Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
OK, people, next case. There's been
trouble in the English community.
Here we go.
OK, OK. We're community policemen.
We serve the whole community.
A Caucasian was found dead. We must
act immediately. When was he found?
Two years ago.
Now, the English community have not
trusted us since an officer invaded
the home of one Mr J...Je
and destroyed his mother
in a controlled explosion.
She was resisting arrest. She was
making a noise like a ticking bomb.
Fair enough.
OK, to help us in this case, we've
got our English Liaison Officer, Bib.
It's Bob, actually. What did I say?
Don't worry. It doesn't matter.
Hi, everyone. It's pretty obvious
what's happened here.
The body was found
with a 12-inch knife in its back and
a note saying, "Die, whitey scum!"
Er, I'm sorry. What's obvious?
Well, it was clearly
racially motivated.
You're not making this into a race
issue, are you?! I thought I might.
Come on, you know what these English
people are like, huh? ..No offence.
The guy was probably drunk.
How they enjoy their drink, eh?!
He got drunk and fell over.
Onto a knife? Yeah.
Maybe he was walking his dog.
They're always walking their dogs,
aren't they? Yeah.
That's it - the dog did it!
With a knife? Yeah. And then
it wrote a note with its paw?
They teach them tricks.
Good, that's settled, then.
No, that is not settled!
There are clearly race issues here.
And we DON'T all love animals
and we DON'T all like a drink.
We are not all the same.
Look, I really don't know what
your problem is. I mean, we're not
having a go at YOU. You're all
You're one of us.
You don't even LOOK English.
Eastern-looking. Iranian.
That is not the point.
The point is that you lot
are discriminating on race grounds.
Frog! Kraut! ..Froggy Kraut!
Right, let's get one thing
absolutely clear.
My name is not Bib. It's Bob, OK?
I'm not French, I'm not German. Frog
and Kraut are terms of racist abuse.
Oo-oo-ooh! No, NOT "Ooh!"
Bib, Bib, Bib, Bib. They're only
having a little bit of fun. I mean,
they're only names, aren't t
I mean, you don't mind being called
a "Brit", do you? ..No.
You don't mind people talking about
your stiff upper lip?
No. There you go.
It's the same thing.
OK, let's get back to work.
Any more questions for
Whitey Snowboy Poodle-turd?
That's it!
What did I say? You just called
me a whitey snowboy poodle turd!
Oh, no, I don't think we should
have any more. Why not? We might do
something we'd regret! Don't
I'd have to be pissed out of my nut
before I'd sleep with you.
Check, please.
So. So. So. So.
So-ho. So-ho what?
So I hear your son is spending
Diwali at his house instead of
visiting you. Very "modern".
You really shouldn't listen
to all the gossip you hear...
down the docks.
My son has a life of his own,
you know.
Ah, well, my son also has a wife
and a family of his own, but he just
prefers to spend the day wi
Hmm, how very Oedipal of him. Yes.
My son IS very Oedipal. In fact,
he's much more Oedipal than your son.
Hmm. Cha. Oh, yes, really.
On their wedding anniversary,
he took ME out to dinner and his wife
stayed in my house and fed my
Well, la-di-da-di.
My son loves me so much
that he lives with me.
He goes once a month to visit
his wife to collect his mail.
Well, bully for you. My son is
in such a hopeless Freudian muddle
that he never visits his house.
He can't even remember where it is.
Very impressive, not!
My son's own children call me
"Mummy" and his wife "Aunty".
My son was on the phone to me while
he was conceiving his first child.
On my son's wedding night,
his wife slept in our spare room
and he slept at the foot of my bed.
On my son's wedding day, he walked
round the fire with me while his wife
served drinks and nibble
My son dresses up in my clothes
and pretends to have conversations
with me when I'm not there.
And he stabs his wife while she's
in the shower. Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!
Well, I wonder what Freud would say
about THAT?
He'd probably say, "Wow! Look at
the dunda on that boy!" Eee! Eee!
Well, we've seen a lot of racist
graffiti in t'neighbourhood.
Yesterday, I were dropping
our youngest off, and I noticed
someone had painted "No Pakis!"
right in front of the school gates,
in yellow paint.
Actually, I think that says
"No Parking".
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yoo-hoo! ..Oh, Surji-i-it!
Veena-a-a!
St. John, Vanessa, for God's sake!
Cross yourself, dear. Oh, twadi!
Well, if it isn't
Dinesh and Shashi Kapoor.
Well, it isn't.
It's Dennis and Charlotte Cooper.
Well, what are you two doing here?
This is for members
of the Church of Eng-LAND only.
We ARE members of the Church of
Eng-LAND. We are English, after all.
What could be more English than
spending Sunday morning with a bunch
of men in dresses? Cassocks,
No, it's true. Look!
Well, we English take our religion
rather seriously. Yes, we do.
We love all the English gods.
There is only one God. Haven't you
read your King James Bible?
Nearly finished it.
But don't tell me
what happens in the end.
Can you name any of the Gospels,
Charlotte? Yes, of course.
There's Matthew, and, er...Mark.
Sporty and Posh.
It's Luke and John, actually.
I knew that.
That's it. Let's go in. Ye-es.
Hello, there. Hello, my old chappy.
Dennis Cooper.
Table for four, please.
- Sorry?
- Yes, please. Not too near the band.
We don't have any tables.
Ah, come on, my old fruity.
I'm sure you can find us something.
Please take a pew.
Pewing, pewing, pewing, pewing.
If you were an animal,
what sort of animal would you be?
Er, I'd be a tiger. Gr-r-rr!
What about me? Oh, you'd be a bird
of paradise. Ah! Why's that?
You've got a hooky nose
and your voice is all screechy. Caw!
You've got that feathery stuff on
your lip. Your feet are like this.
You've got a wobbly fat arse and...
Check, please.
Listen, we need to talk.
Mmm, what about? About us. I see.
I really like you
and everything, but some things
just aren't working out. Like what?
Well, Talvin Singh's new album
didn't break into the top fifty,
did it? Sorry?
Corner Shop haven't kept up their
profile and the major designers
have stopped using Asian design
Hang on. You're dumping me because
Asians aren't in fashion this season?
No-one is dumping anyone, all right?
I just think we should have
a little bit of a break, yeah?
At least until Nitin Sahwney's
album makes the Top 20.
I'm not a fashion accessory.
No, no. God, of COURSE you're not.
But you were for a while
and that's important.
Last year, you were talking about
getting married. Brimful Of Asha was
number 1. Anything seemed
I didn't go out with you because
you were fashionable. I'm English.
God, my parents will be devastated.
How could you do this to them?
I know. I love your mum and dad.
They went perfectly
with my Rajastani coffee table.
But no-one buys that stuff now.
I can change. We can make this work!
You'll never be a dyed-in-the-wool
bejasus Dubliner, will yo
What? The Irish are the new Indians.
Everyone knows that.
Look, I can do it!
I can learn to fiddle and jig
and we can go to theme pubs.
I know every Corrs song there is.
¦ La! What can I do...? ¦
You see, you don't know it. Anyway,
the point is that I'm not looking at
what's fashionable today
but what's going to be fashionable
next season. Come on! Ssh!
There's someone I'd like you
to meet. ..Darling!
This is...
Oh, you'd better say it. Inweeko.
She's an Eskimo? Actually, an Inuit,
which is the best type of Eskimo.
She's gonna be absolutely huge
next spring. Dave, I can...! Ssh.
You don't mind paying for these,
do you?
Miaow, pussycats!
Yah, it's me, Smeeta Smitten,
showbiz kitten. Three out of ten
cat owners think I'm a drag queen.
And welcome to my brand-new
pilot show - Smeeta Sniffs It Out
in which I investigate consumer
issues with the ordinary folk
on the street that I love so much.
Oy, you! Dumpy girl! Over here!
Now, can you tell me which tastes
best, product A or product B?
No, really, I...
No, come on. Hurry up!
That's it. Yum, yum.
Move along, move along.
Very good. Ugh!
They're both pretty foul, actually.
Well, never mind that. Which one
do you think my cat would prefer?
SHE VOMITS
Over the Himalayas far away
Delhi Tubbies come out to play!
Tinku Sharma! Dit Singh!
La Lauddin! Jo!
Delhi Tubbies, all together, say...
A-HO!
Namaste!
Sat Sri Akal! Salaam Aleikim!
Peace!
That's a lovely part of the world
you're all in. What's it called?
KASHMIR.
And who does it belong to?
Me! Me! Me!
It's mine! Mine!
No, no!
Stop it! Bad Karma, man! Bad Karma!
Delhi Tubbies, enough! Listen to
Hippy Jo. She's been to Goa, y'know.
All the children know
sectarian violence is wrong.
Delhi Tubbies should
love each other. Big hug!
That's right, Jo.
Big hugs for everyone!
It's time for bed.
A-ho!
Unless you find a game to play.
Oh, that's better.
MARO!
< GET HER!
Uh-ho!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Is this, er...? Kithaa Phaji,
and welcome to 0898 Chuke Da Phute,
the first Punjabi adult
pleasure line. Oh, you naughty boy.
We have a selection of sonia janania
waiting to tickle your tid with
all the mysterious oils of t
You ready for your malish, Papaji?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
You can talk to Harinder Kaur,
Surrinder Kaur, Sukbinder Kaur, or
our vegetarian option, Big Guri
who'd like to flog you
with a courgette.
Who would you like to talk to?
Um, can I speak to...Hard Kaur?
Sorry, sir.
We don't have anyone of that name.
Hard Kaur or nobody!
OK, hang on, I'll get her for you.
MIMICS INDIAN MUZAK
Ooh, thuse eni dher lagathe jaan.
Me the, wait wait wait, kerthe raiye.
Let's get on with it.
What are you doing?
I'm thinking about you and it makes
me want to oil my body all over.
Oh, yeah?
I'm thinking about raking
my fingernails down your back.
Yeah, yeah.
Ouch, ouch. Scratch, scratch.
Look, let's get to the good stuff!
Um, what you wearing?
Um, leather boots and a G-string.
That's boring! I'm wearing a Punjabi
suit, if you must know, all right?
What - a sulwar kamise?
Yes, a big, flowery sulwar kamise.
Oh-h-h! ..How big exactly?
Oh! ..Oh, yeah. It's really big.
It's so big
I've got panels sewn into the flares.
From the back, I look like a ferry in
a tent. Is that big enough for you?
Is it...? Is it made out of
polycotton? No, it's pure polyester.
You know, the kind where you get
static if you walk too fast. Yes!
And oh, what's this? Ah!
I've got haldi stains down the front.
You've been cooking? Of course
I've been cooking. What else
does an Indian woman do all day?
I've been cooking all your favourite
foods... Rajmah? Butter chicken?
Yeah, the foods that take
at least three days to make.
Oh-h! Three days!
And when I've been baking and basting
all day, you'll come home late
reeking of whisky,
and all the food will be
on the table waiting for you.
And you're smiling? Of course. Even
when you crawl to bed at 3am in your
Y-fronts, farting like a
I do, I do, I do! And then
I'll take you in my arms... Yes, yes!
I'll sing you a lullaby. Oh, God!
I'll sound like... I'm there!
I'll sound just like your...
Oh, MA!
May I say how delighted we are to
have here a very special visitor -
the Rt Rev Bishop of Hounslo
Oh, my God, the Bishop's a Pak...!
So do you have brothers and sisters?
Yeah, I've got four sisters.
Do they all look like you?
Yeah, we're all pretty similar.
Wow! A right family of dogs, innit?!
Check, please.
Right, come on, listen up, men.
The escape plan is simple.
There are three tunnels -
Tom, Dick and Harry.
We need all three because
we're all going out next week
dressed as German soldiers.
Uniforms issued tonight. Sir, did
you say we're ALL going out? Yes.
Dressed as German officers? Yes.
What about...?
Good point, Ginger.
Now, listen, you chaps
will have to be from East Germany.
VERY East Germany.
Ah, East! East Germany! Mmm.
Guten Tag.
Wohin fahren Sie? Nach Hamburg.
Vielen Dank. Ihre Papiere sind
in Ordnung. Vielen Dank.
Well done, Ginger.
See you in Blighty. Sir!
Guten Tag. Guten Tagenah.
Ich hoffe meine Papiere sind
in Ordnung.
Yes. Um...that was fine.
Good luck.
The outfitting team, sir. Excellent.
How's it going? Very well, sir.
Dong ghe, anera!
As you can see, he is modelling
the mid-length boot, all-weather.
And also this fine cotton
made out of plywood.
It is very adaptable. ..Cha cha!
But also, sir, we have
the, er...summer collection.
Summer collection? Um, cha! Andera!
Very roomy. One size fits all.
We can... No, that's fine.
We can take it in. No, leave it!
Ginger, can I have a word with you
in private? ..Carry on, men.
Halt! ..Papieren.
Wohin fahren Sie? Stuttgart.
Ich habe ein Wochenende Urlaub.
Gut. Danke.
Halt! Papieren.
Wohin fahren Sie?
Stuttgart.
Danke.
- Good luck.
- Shukriya.
I'd really, really love it
if you'd come back to my place.
And what's the magic word?
Twenty quid.
..Thirty? ..Forty?
Check, please.
Easy tiger!
La La Land is full of fantasy
Hollywood got too much reality. Yeah!
Only place for a cool dude
Change huh to buh - Bollywood!
Bollywood - men go... Ha!
Bollywood - women go... Ah-h!
Bollywood - villains go ha-ha-ha!
Don't wanna be no Schwarzenegger. No!
Can't sing or cry like a beggar
Wanna see Titanic improved with
the sound of a big bhangra dance
as the ship goes down.
Easy! Rasmulai hearts we're winning
Pursuing and wooing Amitabh stylee
Plot turns and twists
Baddies are dissed
Bollywood where the men go... Ha!
Bollywood where the women go... Ah-h!
Bollywood - villains go ha-ha-ha!
We get hit by a car
Thrown from a train
Chucked down the stair, but never
let the salas mess up our hair.
No man! Mess it up!
Easy!
Nothing we can't do - high kick,
back flip, thapar or the kung fu
Even if there's 20 of you
Bollywood - the men go... Ha!
Bollywood - the women go... Aa-a-h!
Bollywood - the villains go ha-ha-ha!
We'll use every notion to cause
a commotion inside your emotion
We'll even use the Vorsprung
nuch technique. Now nuch!
Don't care if you're choti or moti
As long as you're naughty
We do what we want
As long as our mummies say we can
Costume changes three times a minute
We just say... Innit?!
Laugh with our buddies
And to haramzade, "Kiss my chuddies!"
Bollywood - the men go... Ha!
Bollywood - the women go... Aa-a-h!
Bollywood where the villains
they go ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Cha! Easy tiger!
Subtitles by Alison Semeonoff
BBC Scotland - 2000
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Goodness gracious me!
trouble in the English community.
Here we go.
OK, OK. We're community policemen.
We serve the whole community.
A Caucasian was found dead. We must
act immediately. When was he found?
Two years ago.
Now, the English community have not
trusted us since an officer invaded
the home of one Mr J...Je
and destroyed his mother
in a controlled explosion.
She was resisting arrest. She was
making a noise like a ticking bomb.
Fair enough.
OK, to help us in this case, we've
got our English Liaison Officer, Bib.
It's Bob, actually. What did I say?
Don't worry. It doesn't matter.
Hi, everyone. It's pretty obvious
what's happened here.
The body was found
with a 12-inch knife in its back and
a note saying, "Die, whitey scum!"
Er, I'm sorry. What's obvious?
Well, it was clearly
racially motivated.
You're not making this into a race
issue, are you?! I thought I might.
Come on, you know what these English
people are like, huh? ..No offence.
The guy was probably drunk.
How they enjoy their drink, eh?!
He got drunk and fell over.
Onto a knife? Yeah.
Maybe he was walking his dog.
They're always walking their dogs,
aren't they? Yeah.
That's it - the dog did it!
With a knife? Yeah. And then
it wrote a note with its paw?
They teach them tricks.
Good, that's settled, then.
No, that is not settled!
There are clearly race issues here.
And we DON'T all love animals
and we DON'T all like a drink.
We are not all the same.
Look, I really don't know what
your problem is. I mean, we're not
having a go at YOU. You're all
You're one of us.
You don't even LOOK English.
Eastern-looking. Iranian.
That is not the point.
The point is that you lot
are discriminating on race grounds.
Frog! Kraut! ..Froggy Kraut!
Right, let's get one thing
absolutely clear.
My name is not Bib. It's Bob, OK?
I'm not French, I'm not German. Frog
and Kraut are terms of racist abuse.
Oo-oo-ooh! No, NOT "Ooh!"
Bib, Bib, Bib, Bib. They're only
having a little bit of fun. I mean,
they're only names, aren't t
I mean, you don't mind being called
a "Brit", do you? ..No.
You don't mind people talking about
your stiff upper lip?
No. There you go.
It's the same thing.
OK, let's get back to work.
Any more questions for
Whitey Snowboy Poodle-turd?
That's it!
What did I say? You just called
me a whitey snowboy poodle turd!
Oh, no, I don't think we should
have any more. Why not? We might do
something we'd regret! Don't
I'd have to be pissed out of my nut
before I'd sleep with you.
Check, please.
So. So. So. So.
So-ho. So-ho what?
So I hear your son is spending
Diwali at his house instead of
visiting you. Very "modern".
You really shouldn't listen
to all the gossip you hear...
down the docks.
My son has a life of his own,
you know.
Ah, well, my son also has a wife
and a family of his own, but he just
prefers to spend the day wi
Hmm, how very Oedipal of him. Yes.
My son IS very Oedipal. In fact,
he's much more Oedipal than your son.
Hmm. Cha. Oh, yes, really.
On their wedding anniversary,
he took ME out to dinner and his wife
stayed in my house and fed my
Well, la-di-da-di.
My son loves me so much
that he lives with me.
He goes once a month to visit
his wife to collect his mail.
Well, bully for you. My son is
in such a hopeless Freudian muddle
that he never visits his house.
He can't even remember where it is.
Very impressive, not!
My son's own children call me
"Mummy" and his wife "Aunty".
My son was on the phone to me while
he was conceiving his first child.
On my son's wedding night,
his wife slept in our spare room
and he slept at the foot of my bed.
On my son's wedding day, he walked
round the fire with me while his wife
served drinks and nibble
My son dresses up in my clothes
and pretends to have conversations
with me when I'm not there.
And he stabs his wife while she's
in the shower. Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!
Well, I wonder what Freud would say
about THAT?
He'd probably say, "Wow! Look at
the dunda on that boy!" Eee! Eee!
Well, we've seen a lot of racist
graffiti in t'neighbourhood.
Yesterday, I were dropping
our youngest off, and I noticed
someone had painted "No Pakis!"
right in front of the school gates,
in yellow paint.
Actually, I think that says
"No Parking".
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yoo-hoo! ..Oh, Surji-i-it!
Veena-a-a!
St. John, Vanessa, for God's sake!
Cross yourself, dear. Oh, twadi!
Well, if it isn't
Dinesh and Shashi Kapoor.
Well, it isn't.
It's Dennis and Charlotte Cooper.
Well, what are you two doing here?
This is for members
of the Church of Eng-LAND only.
We ARE members of the Church of
Eng-LAND. We are English, after all.
What could be more English than
spending Sunday morning with a bunch
of men in dresses? Cassocks,
No, it's true. Look!
Well, we English take our religion
rather seriously. Yes, we do.
We love all the English gods.
There is only one God. Haven't you
read your King James Bible?
Nearly finished it.
But don't tell me
what happens in the end.
Can you name any of the Gospels,
Charlotte? Yes, of course.
There's Matthew, and, er...Mark.
Sporty and Posh.
It's Luke and John, actually.
I knew that.
That's it. Let's go in. Ye-es.
Hello, there. Hello, my old chappy.
Dennis Cooper.
Table for four, please.
- Sorry?
- Yes, please. Not too near the band.
We don't have any tables.
Ah, come on, my old fruity.
I'm sure you can find us something.
Please take a pew.
Pewing, pewing, pewing, pewing.
If you were an animal,
what sort of animal would you be?
Er, I'd be a tiger. Gr-r-rr!
What about me? Oh, you'd be a bird
of paradise. Ah! Why's that?
You've got a hooky nose
and your voice is all screechy. Caw!
You've got that feathery stuff on
your lip. Your feet are like this.
You've got a wobbly fat arse and...
Check, please.
Listen, we need to talk.
Mmm, what about? About us. I see.
I really like you
and everything, but some things
just aren't working out. Like what?
Well, Talvin Singh's new album
didn't break into the top fifty,
did it? Sorry?
Corner Shop haven't kept up their
profile and the major designers
have stopped using Asian design
Hang on. You're dumping me because
Asians aren't in fashion this season?
No-one is dumping anyone, all right?
I just think we should have
a little bit of a break, yeah?
At least until Nitin Sahwney's
album makes the Top 20.
I'm not a fashion accessory.
No, no. God, of COURSE you're not.
But you were for a while
and that's important.
Last year, you were talking about
getting married. Brimful Of Asha was
number 1. Anything seemed
I didn't go out with you because
you were fashionable. I'm English.
God, my parents will be devastated.
How could you do this to them?
I know. I love your mum and dad.
They went perfectly
with my Rajastani coffee table.
But no-one buys that stuff now.
I can change. We can make this work!
You'll never be a dyed-in-the-wool
bejasus Dubliner, will yo
What? The Irish are the new Indians.
Everyone knows that.
Look, I can do it!
I can learn to fiddle and jig
and we can go to theme pubs.
I know every Corrs song there is.
¦ La! What can I do...? ¦
You see, you don't know it. Anyway,
the point is that I'm not looking at
what's fashionable today
but what's going to be fashionable
next season. Come on! Ssh!
There's someone I'd like you
to meet. ..Darling!
This is...
Oh, you'd better say it. Inweeko.
She's an Eskimo? Actually, an Inuit,
which is the best type of Eskimo.
She's gonna be absolutely huge
next spring. Dave, I can...! Ssh.
You don't mind paying for these,
do you?
Miaow, pussycats!
Yah, it's me, Smeeta Smitten,
showbiz kitten. Three out of ten
cat owners think I'm a drag queen.
And welcome to my brand-new
pilot show - Smeeta Sniffs It Out
in which I investigate consumer
issues with the ordinary folk
on the street that I love so much.
Oy, you! Dumpy girl! Over here!
Now, can you tell me which tastes
best, product A or product B?
No, really, I...
No, come on. Hurry up!
That's it. Yum, yum.
Move along, move along.
Very good. Ugh!
They're both pretty foul, actually.
Well, never mind that. Which one
do you think my cat would prefer?
SHE VOMITS
Over the Himalayas far away
Delhi Tubbies come out to play!
Tinku Sharma! Dit Singh!
La Lauddin! Jo!
Delhi Tubbies, all together, say...
A-HO!
Namaste!
Sat Sri Akal! Salaam Aleikim!
Peace!
That's a lovely part of the world
you're all in. What's it called?
KASHMIR.
And who does it belong to?
Me! Me! Me!
It's mine! Mine!
No, no!
Stop it! Bad Karma, man! Bad Karma!
Delhi Tubbies, enough! Listen to
Hippy Jo. She's been to Goa, y'know.
All the children know
sectarian violence is wrong.
Delhi Tubbies should
love each other. Big hug!
That's right, Jo.
Big hugs for everyone!
It's time for bed.
A-ho!
Unless you find a game to play.
Oh, that's better.
MARO!
< GET HER!
Uh-ho!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Is this, er...? Kithaa Phaji,
and welcome to 0898 Chuke Da Phute,
the first Punjabi adult
pleasure line. Oh, you naughty boy.
We have a selection of sonia janania
waiting to tickle your tid with
all the mysterious oils of t
You ready for your malish, Papaji?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
You can talk to Harinder Kaur,
Surrinder Kaur, Sukbinder Kaur, or
our vegetarian option, Big Guri
who'd like to flog you
with a courgette.
Who would you like to talk to?
Um, can I speak to...Hard Kaur?
Sorry, sir.
We don't have anyone of that name.
Hard Kaur or nobody!
OK, hang on, I'll get her for you.
MIMICS INDIAN MUZAK
Ooh, thuse eni dher lagathe jaan.
Me the, wait wait wait, kerthe raiye.
Let's get on with it.
What are you doing?
I'm thinking about you and it makes
me want to oil my body all over.
Oh, yeah?
I'm thinking about raking
my fingernails down your back.
Yeah, yeah.
Ouch, ouch. Scratch, scratch.
Look, let's get to the good stuff!
Um, what you wearing?
Um, leather boots and a G-string.
That's boring! I'm wearing a Punjabi
suit, if you must know, all right?
What - a sulwar kamise?
Yes, a big, flowery sulwar kamise.
Oh-h-h! ..How big exactly?
Oh! ..Oh, yeah. It's really big.
It's so big
I've got panels sewn into the flares.
From the back, I look like a ferry in
a tent. Is that big enough for you?
Is it...? Is it made out of
polycotton? No, it's pure polyester.
You know, the kind where you get
static if you walk too fast. Yes!
And oh, what's this? Ah!
I've got haldi stains down the front.
You've been cooking? Of course
I've been cooking. What else
does an Indian woman do all day?
I've been cooking all your favourite
foods... Rajmah? Butter chicken?
Yeah, the foods that take
at least three days to make.
Oh-h! Three days!
And when I've been baking and basting
all day, you'll come home late
reeking of whisky,
and all the food will be
on the table waiting for you.
And you're smiling? Of course. Even
when you crawl to bed at 3am in your
Y-fronts, farting like a
I do, I do, I do! And then
I'll take you in my arms... Yes, yes!
I'll sing you a lullaby. Oh, God!
I'll sound like... I'm there!
I'll sound just like your...
Oh, MA!
May I say how delighted we are to
have here a very special visitor -
the Rt Rev Bishop of Hounslo
Oh, my God, the Bishop's a Pak...!
So do you have brothers and sisters?
Yeah, I've got four sisters.
Do they all look like you?
Yeah, we're all pretty similar.
Wow! A right family of dogs, innit?!
Check, please.
Right, come on, listen up, men.
The escape plan is simple.
There are three tunnels -
Tom, Dick and Harry.
We need all three because
we're all going out next week
dressed as German soldiers.
Uniforms issued tonight. Sir, did
you say we're ALL going out? Yes.
Dressed as German officers? Yes.
What about...?
Good point, Ginger.
Now, listen, you chaps
will have to be from East Germany.
VERY East Germany.
Ah, East! East Germany! Mmm.
Guten Tag.
Wohin fahren Sie? Nach Hamburg.
Vielen Dank. Ihre Papiere sind
in Ordnung. Vielen Dank.
Well done, Ginger.
See you in Blighty. Sir!
Guten Tag. Guten Tagenah.
Ich hoffe meine Papiere sind
in Ordnung.
Yes. Um...that was fine.
Good luck.
The outfitting team, sir. Excellent.
How's it going? Very well, sir.
Dong ghe, anera!
As you can see, he is modelling
the mid-length boot, all-weather.
And also this fine cotton
made out of plywood.
It is very adaptable. ..Cha cha!
But also, sir, we have
the, er...summer collection.
Summer collection? Um, cha! Andera!
Very roomy. One size fits all.
We can... No, that's fine.
We can take it in. No, leave it!
Ginger, can I have a word with you
in private? ..Carry on, men.
Halt! ..Papieren.
Wohin fahren Sie? Stuttgart.
Ich habe ein Wochenende Urlaub.
Gut. Danke.
Halt! Papieren.
Wohin fahren Sie?
Stuttgart.
Danke.
- Good luck.
- Shukriya.
I'd really, really love it
if you'd come back to my place.
And what's the magic word?
Twenty quid.
..Thirty? ..Forty?
Check, please.
Easy tiger!
La La Land is full of fantasy
Hollywood got too much reality. Yeah!
Only place for a cool dude
Change huh to buh - Bollywood!
Bollywood - men go... Ha!
Bollywood - women go... Ah-h!
Bollywood - villains go ha-ha-ha!
Don't wanna be no Schwarzenegger. No!
Can't sing or cry like a beggar
Wanna see Titanic improved with
the sound of a big bhangra dance
as the ship goes down.
Easy! Rasmulai hearts we're winning
Pursuing and wooing Amitabh stylee
Plot turns and twists
Baddies are dissed
Bollywood where the men go... Ha!
Bollywood where the women go... Ah-h!
Bollywood - villains go ha-ha-ha!
We get hit by a car
Thrown from a train
Chucked down the stair, but never
let the salas mess up our hair.
No man! Mess it up!
Easy!
Nothing we can't do - high kick,
back flip, thapar or the kung fu
Even if there's 20 of you
Bollywood - the men go... Ha!
Bollywood - the women go... Aa-a-h!
Bollywood - the villains go ha-ha-ha!
We'll use every notion to cause
a commotion inside your emotion
We'll even use the Vorsprung
nuch technique. Now nuch!
Don't care if you're choti or moti
As long as you're naughty
We do what we want
As long as our mummies say we can
Costume changes three times a minute
We just say... Innit?!
Laugh with our buddies
And to haramzade, "Kiss my chuddies!"
Bollywood - the men go... Ha!
Bollywood - the women go... Aa-a-h!
Bollywood where the villains
they go ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Cha! Easy tiger!
Subtitles by Alison Semeonoff
BBC Scotland - 2000
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Goodness gracious me!