Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
Welcome to Sports Watch,
coming to you from the training camp
of the British kabaddi squad.
Kabaddi is a game not unlike tag.
Joining me now is Britain's
new number one, Sunil Joshi.
Sunil, hello.
I am the number one!
Yep. Tell us
a bit about the game, please.
Two teams. Each member of one team
has to reach the opposite side
without being stopped.
He says, "Kabaddi!"
till he runs out of breath.
This is the first British kabaddi
team. And I am the number one!
Yes. I can't help noticing
you're actually the ONLY one.
Yes. Number one.
How do you answer critics who say
that you've come here because you
couldn't get into the Indian team?
CAVALIER LAUGH
Jealousy! I have every right
to be in the British team.
I don't like spicy food. Eh...
I got this nice Savile Row suit.
Also, my mother was English.
Oh, right. What was her name?
Vanessa.
Vanessa Red...grave.
The actress? Yes. No. She worked
in a shop in Bethnal Green.
Anyway, I have every right.
I love England!
But on your visa form, you said
the reason for your visit was,
"to wangle my way
into the British kabaddi squad."
You people make me sick! You tried
to destroy my good friends,
Greg Rusky and Lennox Lonnox.
"You speak English with a funny
accent, you can't be British!"
But when they start winning,
"British champion"!
Since becoming British, your world
ranking has gone from 76th to 910th.
That's just lies, damn lies
and bloody bastard statistics!
Aren't they the same statistics
that have just made you
Britain's number one? Yes. Pardon?
I am English! Ask me
which football team I support.
What football team do you support?
England! Ask me which cricket team!
Which cricket team...? England!
Steptoe And Son, Deirdre Barlow,
Lord Mountbatten,
John, Paul, George and Ringo,
Eccles cakes, Cliff Richard...
My lungs! Just one more question.
Can't talk. Gotta practise.
Kabaddi...
I have a stitch.
Sunil Joshi, thank you.
Paramedic! Paramedic!
Hiya, Bobby. Hi, Simi.
Bit of a drag, these family do's.
Yeah.
HONKING LAUGH
God! What? She's here! Who?
Don't look!
Oh, God!
Bobby, sweetie! Come and give
your auntie a big, fat kissy!
Put me down, you monkey!
I used to change his nappy.
His girlfriend's
going to be a very lucky woman!
Are YOU his girlfriend?
No. Don't be shy. You can tell me.
I'm very modern about these things.
No, no, Auntie. That's Simi.
Namaste, Auntie.
Slip me some skin, sistah!
I know that's how youngsters talk
cos I'm young and modern myself!
Innit, innit, wicked, wicked?
Are you two
getting it on together yet
or still on "just touching"?
You can tell me -
I'm modern about these things.
No. Me and Simi aren't going out.
We're just in the same study group.
Oh, I get it. Say no more.
We youngsters have to stick
together.
I'm a bit of a rebel myself.
I was the first lady in my Aerobics
For India class to wear a thong.
I don't care
because I'm completely ma-a-a-a-ad
in a modern sort of way.
So how are YOUR children, Auntie?
Pardon?
Kids? Where are they?
I don't know.
Didn't they run away
when they were 12?
Oh-ho, YOU! Come on!
Let's put some Leo Sayer on
and get this party swinging!
# You make me feel like dancing! #
Come on!
I can't quite believe it.
My son's going to college,
leaving home and becoming a man.
Thanks, Dad.
I'll try to make you proud of me.
Your mother and I ARE proud of you.
Aren't we? Mum?
Why you want to go to college, huh?
When I can make it at home
for nothing!
This is college - "Oh, I'm so drunk!
I just drank 12 pints of lager!"
Blaaaaaghhh!
Aww, Mum!
What are you doing?
You want some ganja?
I'll never clean the house
ever again!
I'll leave tins of beans out to let
hair grow on them. Dust and filth!
Dad! Leave me out of this.
I'm a student!
I've got a traffic cone on my head!
It's a small aubergine.
I'm too drunk
to tell the difference. Join in!
DRUNKEN SINGING
I agree. It's important
for children to do sports.
A lot of YOUR kids are unhealthy.
Not like OUR little darling.
He wins this race every year.
'Calling all contestants
for the three-legged race.
'On your marks...get set...'
THEME FROM CHARIOTS OF FIRE
Come on!
If they were Prada,
they'd be waterproof,
so it wouldn't matter
how many blisters burst in them!
Chiropody factor! ..where do you
want to go for lunch? I've eaten.
When?
Last Tuesday. I had two rice cakes
AND a bottle of Evian. TWO?!
Don't worry, I sicked it all up.
Welcome to this very special edition
of Asian Gladiators!
Making it tough for the contestants
is Asian gladiator, The Pharmacist.
The Pharmacist stands at 5'4½"
weighs in at 7st 3lbs and his bicep
measurement is...negligible.
Taking on The Pharmacist,
contestant number one, Auntie Bimla.
Auntie Bimla's hobbies are
cooking food...and eating it.
She's 4 foot nothing
and weighs in at 7st 3lbs.
Contender...ready!
Gladiator...ready!
Three...two...one...
The Pharmacist has got a diploma,
shops AND a second-hand Mercedes.
But he's still not married. What
can Auntie Bimla do about that?
The Pharmacist is down!
Auntie Bimla shows no mercy.
She's in complete control.
And there's the bride! He's going
to have his nuptials in a sling!
Hungry today!
You don't wanna go in there, mate.
This is about the colour of
my skin!
Don't want my ethnic urine
going down the same drain?
Don't want my Asian water violating
your white porcelain urinals -
is that it?
Or is it my manhood you're scared
of? My vast Asian python...
standing proud in the home
of the fascist slavemongers!
Please yourself.
WOMEN SCREAM
Fascists!
Goddammit, bullshit to hellya.
I hate flying.
Me, too. Daddy's driver
usually takes me everywhere.
I feel sick, yeah.
Would you like a boiled sweet?
Dahling! Get some Belgian truffles
and we'll talk.
Excuse me, I think you're sitting
in my seat. This is Club Class.
..trying it on factor or what?
I paid 20,000 rupees for that seat.
I paid 30,000 for the hairdo!
Here's 20 bucks. Scram.
Schedule caste scumbag factor.
I suppose they have their own seat
quota or some bullshit. Exactly.
Excuse me!
Economy Class seating back THAT way.
Just looking for the toilet.
Why?
You smell like you've already been.
Some people really make me sick.
These poor people could travel
First Class if they really wanted.
Tell it, sister factor. Of course.
All they have to do is get off
their arses and work harder.
Look at me, I rolled up my sleeves,
phoned Daddy and he got me a job.
What was that? Duh! We're
air hostesses, goddammit, bullshit!
Hi.
I have an appointment
with the nurse. Just take a seat.
Simi, beti!
Bugger!
Come and give your auntie
a big, fat kissy!
Put me down, monkey-chops!
So, what are you in for today, hmm?
Eh... Coil? Cap?
General shake-and-vac down below?
You can tell me. I'm very modern
about female matters.
Actually...
it's just a bit of 'flu... I see!
Nudge, wink, nudge, say no more!
Two weeks late, getting panicky?
We modern women
go through such bull, don't we?
Men! Hate 'em! Can't find a good
one, then three come along at once.
Like trains. Don't you mean buses?
No. Trains are more modern.
You're upset cos you
don't know who the father is! Sssh!
Is this your medicine? Please!
"Three a day for acute cyclitis."
She has cyclitis.
Is that all? Cystitis, Auntie.
We modern women get cyclitis
when we've been...eh...riding our
bikes too much!
(I wish I was dead.)
I get all the modern diseases
cos I'm so YOUNG AND MODERN!
HONKING LAUGH
Mrs Veena Chabra? That's my name.
Don't wear it out, old woman!
Your prescription.
For my...sick husband.
What? Six months' supply of HRT?
Pardon? What the hell!
Let's put some Leo Sayer on
and get this party swinging!
# You make me feel like dancing! #
DO-I-ING!
Good afternoon. Are you expected?
Yes.
And whom shall I say is calling?
You shall say
Mr and Mrs Dennis Cooper.
Very well. Step this way.
Stepping...stepping...stepping.
LAPSES INTO HINDI
May I take your hat, sir?
No. Get your own.
He's going to hang it up for you,
darling. I knew that. Dennis!
Charlotte!
Surjeeta! It's St John, darling.
Both wrong, actually.
It's Lord St John...of Epping!
And Lady Vanessa...
of also Epping.
How marvellous. Yes. The titles
came free with the stately home.
Let's give you a tour. Entrance
hall built by Henry the Tenth.
Beautiful. Spiffing.
Notice the 16th-century floorboards
laid down in 1348
by Edward the 22nd.
The plastic hallway matting
complements them perfectly.
What's this?
This is the stained glass window.
Stained, huh?
Tried rubbing it with vinegar?
It's stained on purpose.
He knew that!
We've started work on the garden.
We're having it taken up, and
a 15-acre patio put in its place.
Oh! Would anybody else like a drink?
I'd love a Pimm's.
Dennis?
Just a drink for me, please.
I'll ring for Mellors.
Tell me, St John,
what's that strange smell?
The smell of the countryside!
Horses! Ah!
Have you horses?
Not likely. Can't stand them!
That's why we leave manure
in the corner!
Gives it that country feel.
M'lady?
Could you get our guests a drink?
Mr Cooper?
SPEAKS IN HINDI
We don't speak
to the staff like that here. Grrr!
One jug of Pimm's
and one of whisky.
Hurry, or I'll give you
a good thrashing!
Oh, and what's that?
Ah, the family crest.
The British bulldog
rampant in a field of blue.
And inscribed above,
the family motto,
"Si non est albus,
non est bonum."
What does that mean?
"If it ain't white, it ain't right."
I say...
that fireplace must be lovely
and warm in the winter. Yes.
But we haven't managed to light it.
But the neighbours are helpful.
They bring round fuel and light it
for us.
Then just pop it
through the letterbox.
Charming.
Country folk are much friendlier.
Mmm. They've invited us shooting.
And they've offered us
a 15-second start!
Really...
..if you go down that path...
..then you are undermining
the very foundations.
One cannot compromise
the integrity of the edifice.
Remember the words of Swami Neruda.
"Letrine vajow, bogro ledaw."
Nela kata we-hooo!
Well, sod you, I'm doing it anyway.
BOTH: Jenga!
PIOUSLY: Jenga...
Listen, Malkit, we need to talk.
What?
Well, this isn't working out.
I get it!
This is about
the colour of my skin! No!
You're threatened by the power
of my savage ethnic sexuality!
You're having an affair with Sarah.
I belong exclusively to YOU, do I?
This slave's been emancipated!
She's my sister.
Your pure white family's too good
for a second-class citizen like me?
Don't want your gene pool
clouded by fertile Asian topsoil?
Malkit, listen.
I'm not taking any more crap.
It's her or me.
All right!
Sarah, bugger off.
Fascist!
Ladies and gentlemen...
..and all those in Economy Class,
welcome to flight 235
from Bombay to London.
We've got to go through the
goddammit bullshit safety procedure.
In the unlikely event
of any faults...
..remember we only do this job
because of the glamour factor,
so keep out of our faces.
Our nail polish takes eight hours to
dry, so no duty free until Turkey.
Should there be a sudden fall
in cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will drop
from above your heads.
Well, they would, but I've had my
hair done, so I switched THAT off!
When we reach Heathrow,
wait to be herded to Immigration,
while we rush off to the Met Bar
to meet Tara.
Cocktails will be served at 9,
cocaine available in the toilets.
We'll be rubbing baby lotion
into a B-list celebrity by 2.30.
Thanks for your attention.
Like we give a damn!
The good thing is that you can make
these at home
for absolutely nothing. Oh!
Good girl!
Welcome to Yoof Chat Innit,
the show on the cutting edge of
British-Asian yoof fusion
stylee thing.
Today, relationships, with a panel
who've chosen a traditional path.
Kithaa, gang!
KITHAA!
So, kids, spill the daal.
British-Asian love?
Personally, I believe that...eh...
the Western concept
of romantic love is a myth.
Yeah, right.
That is why I'm reverting back to,
you know,
introduction through
the family and arranged marriage.
Radical.
I agree. Western-style serial
monogamy is a soulless path to
tread.
Especially for women.
THEY AGREE
Well, I'd like to sleep
with as many people as possible.
20 at once. I don't mind.
I'm very modern!
I'm sorry... Don't be sorry,
babychops - be careful!
And if you can't be careful,
at least wipe me down afterwards!
This is a YOUTH chat show.
Then why are you behaving
like OAP wrinklies?
Why marry? Just go on the pill
and have cars with reclining seats!
Stop it.
You're disgracing us and yourself.
Oooooooooohhhhhh!
What's the matter, Miss Iron
Knickers? Didn't get it last night?
Don't be so disgusting! I tell you
what's disgusting - all this freedom
and you piddle it away!
In my day, there was no foreplay.
We made our own entertainment.
I mean, not in MY day,
in old people's days,
because I'm very young and modern.
Please leave the studio.
YEAH!
Oh, you kidders crack me out, innit!
Let's put some Leo Sayer on
and get the studio swinging!
# You make me feel like dancing! #
WHIMPERING
Excuse me, sir. This isn't about,
"Excuse me, sir."
You're persecuting me
cos I'm an ethnic youth!
You and your fascist bully-boy
colleagues of jack-booted,
brown-shirted stormtroopers!
Keep the brown man down,
that's your game!
I don't see you
harassing any white kids, eh?
You're brutalising me cos of
my colour, aren't ya?
Well, yes.
Fascist!
MUSIC: Hooray for Hollywood
Meow, pussycats.
It's me, Smeeta Smitten,
show biz...thingy...
sniffing around the showbiz...
..thing.
Today, I'm very happy.
No, I really, really am.
DOOR OPENS
I can't stand any more of your
disgusting self-pity and delusion.
Bye-bye, Mummy! I'm leaving you
with all these filthy cats.
I imagine you will die
a lonely death,
your rotting corpse found only when
the street dogs
have gnawed it into anonymity.
Love you, Mummy!
And now, viewers...
..an exclusive interview
with the gorgeous Art Malik.
Hi, Art.
Aww, did you enjoy the ducks,
my sweetheart?
So healthy!
# See my brother Muffins
walking down the street
# Hanging der heads
like they're in defeat
# Dat's cos everybody is in cahoots
# From stopping Bhangra Muffins
getting back to their roots
# I'm gettin' juggy wid it
Gettin' juggy wid it
# Juggy! I'm gettin' huggy wid it
Huggy wid it!
# I'm so money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm gettin' juggy
# Take the best, leave out the rest
# A little from the east
and a little from the west
# You decide where and how
you gonna sit
# Cross-legged, bow-legged
That's gettin' juggy wid it!
# Gettin' juggy wid it
Juggy wid it!
# Gettin' huggy wid it
Huggy wid it!
# I'm so money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm turning juggy
# Out on a date
Ready to pay the price
# Giving up the bland
Embracing the spice
# Flames emerging
from both front and behind
# The curry's char-grilled
but we've made up our minds
# We're gettin' juggy wid it
# Gettin' juggy wid it
# Not being funny wid it
# I'm making money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm turning juggy
# The Queen's garden party
is our element
# Sipping tea and chatting
with Establishment
# In the cricket we are Asian
In the football we're Jamaican
# And if we've got good reason
we'll be Sikhandanavian
# Gettin' juggy wid it
# I'm gettin' juggy wid it
# Not being funny wid it
Making money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm turning juggy!
# Some kids got no clue
who they are and how they're made
# Checking in the mirror
Their identity parade
# We just say you fit in
where you wanna fit
# Up to your eyes in rasmalai
# That's gettin' juggy
Gettin' juggy wid it! #
Tally-ho!
I say, Dennis, this fox hunting's
a bloody good lark, what?
Yes. But I keep falling off mine!
THUD!
Goodness, gracious me!
coming to you from the training camp
of the British kabaddi squad.
Kabaddi is a game not unlike tag.
Joining me now is Britain's
new number one, Sunil Joshi.
Sunil, hello.
I am the number one!
Yep. Tell us
a bit about the game, please.
Two teams. Each member of one team
has to reach the opposite side
without being stopped.
He says, "Kabaddi!"
till he runs out of breath.
This is the first British kabaddi
team. And I am the number one!
Yes. I can't help noticing
you're actually the ONLY one.
Yes. Number one.
How do you answer critics who say
that you've come here because you
couldn't get into the Indian team?
CAVALIER LAUGH
Jealousy! I have every right
to be in the British team.
I don't like spicy food. Eh...
I got this nice Savile Row suit.
Also, my mother was English.
Oh, right. What was her name?
Vanessa.
Vanessa Red...grave.
The actress? Yes. No. She worked
in a shop in Bethnal Green.
Anyway, I have every right.
I love England!
But on your visa form, you said
the reason for your visit was,
"to wangle my way
into the British kabaddi squad."
You people make me sick! You tried
to destroy my good friends,
Greg Rusky and Lennox Lonnox.
"You speak English with a funny
accent, you can't be British!"
But when they start winning,
"British champion"!
Since becoming British, your world
ranking has gone from 76th to 910th.
That's just lies, damn lies
and bloody bastard statistics!
Aren't they the same statistics
that have just made you
Britain's number one? Yes. Pardon?
I am English! Ask me
which football team I support.
What football team do you support?
England! Ask me which cricket team!
Which cricket team...? England!
Steptoe And Son, Deirdre Barlow,
Lord Mountbatten,
John, Paul, George and Ringo,
Eccles cakes, Cliff Richard...
My lungs! Just one more question.
Can't talk. Gotta practise.
Kabaddi...
I have a stitch.
Sunil Joshi, thank you.
Paramedic! Paramedic!
Hiya, Bobby. Hi, Simi.
Bit of a drag, these family do's.
Yeah.
HONKING LAUGH
God! What? She's here! Who?
Don't look!
Oh, God!
Bobby, sweetie! Come and give
your auntie a big, fat kissy!
Put me down, you monkey!
I used to change his nappy.
His girlfriend's
going to be a very lucky woman!
Are YOU his girlfriend?
No. Don't be shy. You can tell me.
I'm very modern about these things.
No, no, Auntie. That's Simi.
Namaste, Auntie.
Slip me some skin, sistah!
I know that's how youngsters talk
cos I'm young and modern myself!
Innit, innit, wicked, wicked?
Are you two
getting it on together yet
or still on "just touching"?
You can tell me -
I'm modern about these things.
No. Me and Simi aren't going out.
We're just in the same study group.
Oh, I get it. Say no more.
We youngsters have to stick
together.
I'm a bit of a rebel myself.
I was the first lady in my Aerobics
For India class to wear a thong.
I don't care
because I'm completely ma-a-a-a-ad
in a modern sort of way.
So how are YOUR children, Auntie?
Pardon?
Kids? Where are they?
I don't know.
Didn't they run away
when they were 12?
Oh-ho, YOU! Come on!
Let's put some Leo Sayer on
and get this party swinging!
# You make me feel like dancing! #
Come on!
I can't quite believe it.
My son's going to college,
leaving home and becoming a man.
Thanks, Dad.
I'll try to make you proud of me.
Your mother and I ARE proud of you.
Aren't we? Mum?
Why you want to go to college, huh?
When I can make it at home
for nothing!
This is college - "Oh, I'm so drunk!
I just drank 12 pints of lager!"
Blaaaaaghhh!
Aww, Mum!
What are you doing?
You want some ganja?
I'll never clean the house
ever again!
I'll leave tins of beans out to let
hair grow on them. Dust and filth!
Dad! Leave me out of this.
I'm a student!
I've got a traffic cone on my head!
It's a small aubergine.
I'm too drunk
to tell the difference. Join in!
DRUNKEN SINGING
I agree. It's important
for children to do sports.
A lot of YOUR kids are unhealthy.
Not like OUR little darling.
He wins this race every year.
'Calling all contestants
for the three-legged race.
'On your marks...get set...'
THEME FROM CHARIOTS OF FIRE
Come on!
If they were Prada,
they'd be waterproof,
so it wouldn't matter
how many blisters burst in them!
Chiropody factor! ..where do you
want to go for lunch? I've eaten.
When?
Last Tuesday. I had two rice cakes
AND a bottle of Evian. TWO?!
Don't worry, I sicked it all up.
Welcome to this very special edition
of Asian Gladiators!
Making it tough for the contestants
is Asian gladiator, The Pharmacist.
The Pharmacist stands at 5'4½"
weighs in at 7st 3lbs and his bicep
measurement is...negligible.
Taking on The Pharmacist,
contestant number one, Auntie Bimla.
Auntie Bimla's hobbies are
cooking food...and eating it.
She's 4 foot nothing
and weighs in at 7st 3lbs.
Contender...ready!
Gladiator...ready!
Three...two...one...
The Pharmacist has got a diploma,
shops AND a second-hand Mercedes.
But he's still not married. What
can Auntie Bimla do about that?
The Pharmacist is down!
Auntie Bimla shows no mercy.
She's in complete control.
And there's the bride! He's going
to have his nuptials in a sling!
Hungry today!
You don't wanna go in there, mate.
This is about the colour of
my skin!
Don't want my ethnic urine
going down the same drain?
Don't want my Asian water violating
your white porcelain urinals -
is that it?
Or is it my manhood you're scared
of? My vast Asian python...
standing proud in the home
of the fascist slavemongers!
Please yourself.
WOMEN SCREAM
Fascists!
Goddammit, bullshit to hellya.
I hate flying.
Me, too. Daddy's driver
usually takes me everywhere.
I feel sick, yeah.
Would you like a boiled sweet?
Dahling! Get some Belgian truffles
and we'll talk.
Excuse me, I think you're sitting
in my seat. This is Club Class.
..trying it on factor or what?
I paid 20,000 rupees for that seat.
I paid 30,000 for the hairdo!
Here's 20 bucks. Scram.
Schedule caste scumbag factor.
I suppose they have their own seat
quota or some bullshit. Exactly.
Excuse me!
Economy Class seating back THAT way.
Just looking for the toilet.
Why?
You smell like you've already been.
Some people really make me sick.
These poor people could travel
First Class if they really wanted.
Tell it, sister factor. Of course.
All they have to do is get off
their arses and work harder.
Look at me, I rolled up my sleeves,
phoned Daddy and he got me a job.
What was that? Duh! We're
air hostesses, goddammit, bullshit!
Hi.
I have an appointment
with the nurse. Just take a seat.
Simi, beti!
Bugger!
Come and give your auntie
a big, fat kissy!
Put me down, monkey-chops!
So, what are you in for today, hmm?
Eh... Coil? Cap?
General shake-and-vac down below?
You can tell me. I'm very modern
about female matters.
Actually...
it's just a bit of 'flu... I see!
Nudge, wink, nudge, say no more!
Two weeks late, getting panicky?
We modern women
go through such bull, don't we?
Men! Hate 'em! Can't find a good
one, then three come along at once.
Like trains. Don't you mean buses?
No. Trains are more modern.
You're upset cos you
don't know who the father is! Sssh!
Is this your medicine? Please!
"Three a day for acute cyclitis."
She has cyclitis.
Is that all? Cystitis, Auntie.
We modern women get cyclitis
when we've been...eh...riding our
bikes too much!
(I wish I was dead.)
I get all the modern diseases
cos I'm so YOUNG AND MODERN!
HONKING LAUGH
Mrs Veena Chabra? That's my name.
Don't wear it out, old woman!
Your prescription.
For my...sick husband.
What? Six months' supply of HRT?
Pardon? What the hell!
Let's put some Leo Sayer on
and get this party swinging!
# You make me feel like dancing! #
DO-I-ING!
Good afternoon. Are you expected?
Yes.
And whom shall I say is calling?
You shall say
Mr and Mrs Dennis Cooper.
Very well. Step this way.
Stepping...stepping...stepping.
LAPSES INTO HINDI
May I take your hat, sir?
No. Get your own.
He's going to hang it up for you,
darling. I knew that. Dennis!
Charlotte!
Surjeeta! It's St John, darling.
Both wrong, actually.
It's Lord St John...of Epping!
And Lady Vanessa...
of also Epping.
How marvellous. Yes. The titles
came free with the stately home.
Let's give you a tour. Entrance
hall built by Henry the Tenth.
Beautiful. Spiffing.
Notice the 16th-century floorboards
laid down in 1348
by Edward the 22nd.
The plastic hallway matting
complements them perfectly.
What's this?
This is the stained glass window.
Stained, huh?
Tried rubbing it with vinegar?
It's stained on purpose.
He knew that!
We've started work on the garden.
We're having it taken up, and
a 15-acre patio put in its place.
Oh! Would anybody else like a drink?
I'd love a Pimm's.
Dennis?
Just a drink for me, please.
I'll ring for Mellors.
Tell me, St John,
what's that strange smell?
The smell of the countryside!
Horses! Ah!
Have you horses?
Not likely. Can't stand them!
That's why we leave manure
in the corner!
Gives it that country feel.
M'lady?
Could you get our guests a drink?
Mr Cooper?
SPEAKS IN HINDI
We don't speak
to the staff like that here. Grrr!
One jug of Pimm's
and one of whisky.
Hurry, or I'll give you
a good thrashing!
Oh, and what's that?
Ah, the family crest.
The British bulldog
rampant in a field of blue.
And inscribed above,
the family motto,
"Si non est albus,
non est bonum."
What does that mean?
"If it ain't white, it ain't right."
I say...
that fireplace must be lovely
and warm in the winter. Yes.
But we haven't managed to light it.
But the neighbours are helpful.
They bring round fuel and light it
for us.
Then just pop it
through the letterbox.
Charming.
Country folk are much friendlier.
Mmm. They've invited us shooting.
And they've offered us
a 15-second start!
Really...
..if you go down that path...
..then you are undermining
the very foundations.
One cannot compromise
the integrity of the edifice.
Remember the words of Swami Neruda.
"Letrine vajow, bogro ledaw."
Nela kata we-hooo!
Well, sod you, I'm doing it anyway.
BOTH: Jenga!
PIOUSLY: Jenga...
Listen, Malkit, we need to talk.
What?
Well, this isn't working out.
I get it!
This is about
the colour of my skin! No!
You're threatened by the power
of my savage ethnic sexuality!
You're having an affair with Sarah.
I belong exclusively to YOU, do I?
This slave's been emancipated!
She's my sister.
Your pure white family's too good
for a second-class citizen like me?
Don't want your gene pool
clouded by fertile Asian topsoil?
Malkit, listen.
I'm not taking any more crap.
It's her or me.
All right!
Sarah, bugger off.
Fascist!
Ladies and gentlemen...
..and all those in Economy Class,
welcome to flight 235
from Bombay to London.
We've got to go through the
goddammit bullshit safety procedure.
In the unlikely event
of any faults...
..remember we only do this job
because of the glamour factor,
so keep out of our faces.
Our nail polish takes eight hours to
dry, so no duty free until Turkey.
Should there be a sudden fall
in cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will drop
from above your heads.
Well, they would, but I've had my
hair done, so I switched THAT off!
When we reach Heathrow,
wait to be herded to Immigration,
while we rush off to the Met Bar
to meet Tara.
Cocktails will be served at 9,
cocaine available in the toilets.
We'll be rubbing baby lotion
into a B-list celebrity by 2.30.
Thanks for your attention.
Like we give a damn!
The good thing is that you can make
these at home
for absolutely nothing. Oh!
Good girl!
Welcome to Yoof Chat Innit,
the show on the cutting edge of
British-Asian yoof fusion
stylee thing.
Today, relationships, with a panel
who've chosen a traditional path.
Kithaa, gang!
KITHAA!
So, kids, spill the daal.
British-Asian love?
Personally, I believe that...eh...
the Western concept
of romantic love is a myth.
Yeah, right.
That is why I'm reverting back to,
you know,
introduction through
the family and arranged marriage.
Radical.
I agree. Western-style serial
monogamy is a soulless path to
tread.
Especially for women.
THEY AGREE
Well, I'd like to sleep
with as many people as possible.
20 at once. I don't mind.
I'm very modern!
I'm sorry... Don't be sorry,
babychops - be careful!
And if you can't be careful,
at least wipe me down afterwards!
This is a YOUTH chat show.
Then why are you behaving
like OAP wrinklies?
Why marry? Just go on the pill
and have cars with reclining seats!
Stop it.
You're disgracing us and yourself.
Oooooooooohhhhhh!
What's the matter, Miss Iron
Knickers? Didn't get it last night?
Don't be so disgusting! I tell you
what's disgusting - all this freedom
and you piddle it away!
In my day, there was no foreplay.
We made our own entertainment.
I mean, not in MY day,
in old people's days,
because I'm very young and modern.
Please leave the studio.
YEAH!
Oh, you kidders crack me out, innit!
Let's put some Leo Sayer on
and get the studio swinging!
# You make me feel like dancing! #
WHIMPERING
Excuse me, sir. This isn't about,
"Excuse me, sir."
You're persecuting me
cos I'm an ethnic youth!
You and your fascist bully-boy
colleagues of jack-booted,
brown-shirted stormtroopers!
Keep the brown man down,
that's your game!
I don't see you
harassing any white kids, eh?
You're brutalising me cos of
my colour, aren't ya?
Well, yes.
Fascist!
MUSIC: Hooray for Hollywood
Meow, pussycats.
It's me, Smeeta Smitten,
show biz...thingy...
sniffing around the showbiz...
..thing.
Today, I'm very happy.
No, I really, really am.
DOOR OPENS
I can't stand any more of your
disgusting self-pity and delusion.
Bye-bye, Mummy! I'm leaving you
with all these filthy cats.
I imagine you will die
a lonely death,
your rotting corpse found only when
the street dogs
have gnawed it into anonymity.
Love you, Mummy!
And now, viewers...
..an exclusive interview
with the gorgeous Art Malik.
Hi, Art.
Aww, did you enjoy the ducks,
my sweetheart?
So healthy!
# See my brother Muffins
walking down the street
# Hanging der heads
like they're in defeat
# Dat's cos everybody is in cahoots
# From stopping Bhangra Muffins
getting back to their roots
# I'm gettin' juggy wid it
Gettin' juggy wid it
# Juggy! I'm gettin' huggy wid it
Huggy wid it!
# I'm so money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm gettin' juggy
# Take the best, leave out the rest
# A little from the east
and a little from the west
# You decide where and how
you gonna sit
# Cross-legged, bow-legged
That's gettin' juggy wid it!
# Gettin' juggy wid it
Juggy wid it!
# Gettin' huggy wid it
Huggy wid it!
# I'm so money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm turning juggy
# Out on a date
Ready to pay the price
# Giving up the bland
Embracing the spice
# Flames emerging
from both front and behind
# The curry's char-grilled
but we've made up our minds
# We're gettin' juggy wid it
# Gettin' juggy wid it
# Not being funny wid it
# I'm making money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm turning juggy
# The Queen's garden party
is our element
# Sipping tea and chatting
with Establishment
# In the cricket we are Asian
In the football we're Jamaican
# And if we've got good reason
we'll be Sikhandanavian
# Gettin' juggy wid it
# I'm gettin' juggy wid it
# Not being funny wid it
Making money wid it
# Tell everybody
Hey, kiss my chuddy
# I'm turning juggy!
# Some kids got no clue
who they are and how they're made
# Checking in the mirror
Their identity parade
# We just say you fit in
where you wanna fit
# Up to your eyes in rasmalai
# That's gettin' juggy
Gettin' juggy wid it! #
Tally-ho!
I say, Dennis, this fox hunting's
a bloody good lark, what?
Yes. But I keep falling off mine!
THUD!
Goodness, gracious me!