Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
*
Bye, Mum, Dad. We're off. You
lovebirds off somewhere romantic?
Just to the pictures.
Oh, romantic film? No, a comedy.
Good idea. Your mother and I saw
a very funny film the other day.
Very funny, you must see it.
What was it called?
I can't remember,
but it was very hilarious.
It all takes place on a boat,
with all these crazy people there.
All laughing, drinking
and being very silly.
And lots of dancing and carrying on
below deck.
And just when the party gets
really swinging...
They...they...hit an iceberg!
And the whole bloody boat sinks!
The funny thing is, there wasn't
enough lifeboats to go round.
They all splash around in the water,
"Help, I can't swim." Such fun!
Your mother and I laughed out loud.
That's how funny it was.
That's, er, Titanic,
and it's not funny.
Well, we liked it, didn't we?
Help, I'm frozen!
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT
G'day. Welcome to Rabs's Animal
Hospital in downtown Karachi.
Someone's had a terrible accident.
Mate, tell us what happened.
I was sitting in my living room,
and I saw this dog on my driveway,
sniffing around.
So I went and reversed my car out,
and I felt this bump.
Is he dead? The poor little fellow
looks bad, but he'll survive.
LOUD BANG
And now?
1905, the University of Cambridge -
a gathering of the world's
intellectual elite.
Among them, men destined to lead
their mother country to independence.
Nehru and Jinnah,
the Cambridge Years.
Ah, Mr Nehru.
Mr Jinnah.
Mr Nehru, salaam, salaam, salaam.
BOTH: How do you do?
How went last night's meeting?
The Congress All India Committee?
The same. Mr Jinnah, it is
unfortunate you could not attend.
Our historians will remember
this meeting as the first true
stirrings of Indian independence.
Then it was a success? Yes.
And a total lager frenzy.
Although I never touched a drop.
Because of your unimpeachable
moral rectitude?
Yes, though some colleagues were
completely shedded. That's bonkers.
Here's Gupta, how goes the revision
for Finals? Mr Nehru, Mr Jinnah.
I've done absolutely none, and I
don't care. Because you're bonkers?
Precisely.
Bu-u-urp!!
Oh, dear!
And they talk about the emerging
intellectual middle class.
Did you hear about our supper
in old Gandhi's rooms? Do tell.
We were about to play billiards,
when in walks the Nawab of Patan,
trousers round his ankles,
traffic cone on his head,
singing about four and twenty women
from Inverness.
And they talk about creating
a Nation State...
TOGETHER:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
I don't believe it, Beena!
Here's that guy again,
trying pathetically to catch
our eye. Look, buddy!
We're with two gorgeous Asian men.
Tell him we haven't made them up.
Yeah,
we ain't made 'em up this time.
You can drool over our babe-licious
bodies, but we're taken.
You girls going to order a drink?
Sorry, no...
Thanks, the guys are getting
our drinks from the bar.
What do you mean?
They didn't ask us what we wanted.
But you always have
Malibu and Creme de Menthe.
That's not the point! They
didn't ask. What does that say?
They're two nice blokes who want to
buy us a drink, innit? No!
They are trying to control us,
innit? It starts with a Babycham,
and soon you're pregnant and tied
to a sink, and he's shaggin' Tracey.
Well, buddies - in your dreams! You
been watching Jerry Springer, innit?
Jerry! Jerry!
Anyway, Dev's last girlfriend
wasn't called Tracey, but Amanda.
Great! We're with two Asian guys,
who've had fun with WHITE women,
and want to go out with
two desi-doormats! In their dreams!
But your Raman ain't been out with
a goree...or anyone in ages.
Oh, great! Now I get
the closet-gay Asian bloke,
who wants to marry me so he can
lead a sordid double-life!
In his dreams! Er, Meena... I'll
tell him I don't like his jumper!
They've gone.
When? Just now, when you were
shouting and foaming at the mouth.
See, they're all bastards, innit?
Breathe... Breathe.
Breathe.
Welcome to International
Mastermind from the Great Hall
of the University of Madras.
May we have our first contender,
please?
Your name?
BUZZER
You've started, so you may finish.
Mr Nehru, as leading Muslim
on the All India Committee,
I must warn you my people
will not back down.
As Congress Chairman,
I must tell you,
we Hindhus will not be dictated to.
Mr Nehru! No, Mr Jinnah. Gentlemen,
in the interests of maintaining
solidarity, I have a proposal
I shall lie on the bed,
then you can both push.
TOGETHER:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
Now, on the Lahore Cable Network,
a gritty fly-on-the-wall docu-soap
about a typical English family.
Yes! It's High and Blighty,
starring Ayub Khan as Arthur Simpkin,
Ritu Nair as Mary Simpkin,
Asha Chadha as Victoria,
and Chippy Singh as Charles.
Mare-eeeah!
Where's me tea and supper?
You silly cow! Shut your cakehole,
Arthurjee, I've been busy.
Watch it, or I'll divorce you!
Anyway, what you been up to?
Doin' shagging with the milkman,
after all, we are English.
Quite right. Where's the bleedin'
kids? Ain't seen them for weeks.
TOGETHER
¦ Land of hope and glory! ¦
Shut up! Charles, Victoria,
where've you been?
Get laid! Taking drugs.
What are you doing
in Grandad's wheelchair?
I'm English and I've no respect
for the elders.
'Ere, your Grandad fought
against the Hitlers!
Mary. Hang on, you old fart! Have
you kids forgotten what day it is?
The day you finally get a job?
No, cheeky! Rent day. So be regular
English kids and pay up, toe-rags!
And start looking for somewhere
to live - cos at 16, you're out!
Who's that? Some tart I shagged
the night of your careers evening.
When will you find a bloke to get
you up the duff and off me hands?
'Ere, Grandad's ill.
I think he needs medical attention.
We can't afford it.
But he might die! Good!
We could do with that room back.
Yes, we're English. We think more
of our pets than our own parents.
'Ere, Grandad's died.
Everyone down the pub.
ALL: Hooray!
¦ Land of hope and glory... ¦
Shut up!
What d'you want, luv?
Domination? S & M? Water sports?
Water sports? Why not come to me?
Don't, really...
I get for you much cheaper.
Don't bother.
Really, don't worry. Don't worry!
It was a most tragic programme.
Very sad.
Because, don't you see, he would
have succeeded in his endeavours
and made something of his life,
if it wasn't for this...
plonker, Rodney!
They could have been millionaires.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
for attending the launch
of my new spiritual guide,
The Maharishi Yogi's
True Path to Enlightenment.
As we are all aware,
the market for spiritual guidebooks
is saturated by many charlatans.
People like Deepak Chopra,
the Dalai Lama,
Delia Smith.
These people miss the very essence
of Vedic teaching,
as summarised by
the ancient Sanskrit dictum...
"Blighton, nagrishum, narushdie...
"Er...
"Yogi, yascubea, machlee."
This is meaning...
the best things in life...are free.
But you can keep them for the birds
and bees, I want money.
But my book is the only one
that remains faithful
to the principles of Vedic teaching,
and also available in pop-up form.
I was inspired to write this by the
astounding success of my first work,
The Maharishi's Genealogy
of Moral Eastern Philosophy,
later turned into the Hollywood
blockbuster, Basic Instinct.
In my new book,
I solve the problems of life
in a stress-filled modern world.
Now, there are two paths
to spiritual fulfilment,
I would recommend the hardback path,
priced £18.99.
Now, as you all know, my book
is the centre of some controversy.
There are those that disagree with
my teachings, and criticise my work,
especially Chapter 29,
where the guru meets
the blondes in the jacuzzi.
To these sceptics, I would quote
an ancient Sanskrit proverb,
"Mel B or Mel C aya boss...
"va va, yeh kya yeh, arsevosh."
This is meaning, "Come on, I'm
trying to sell some books here."
G'day.
Welcome to Rab's Animal Hospital.
I'm in the New Delhi Animal
Dispensary with Mr Bhattia.
G'day. Hello.
Who's this you've brought along
today? He's a lovely fellow,
aren't you, boy? He's my cleaner.
Poor chap, he seems to be in pain.
Yes, he got run over.
Poor mite! How did that happen?
He spilt tea on my jacket,
so I pushed him under a bus.
Bastard! Still, never mind, eh?
Cheer up, little fella.
Ah, shut up!
I said you'd like Pulp Fiction.
Tarantino's a brilliant director.
Yes, it's well directed.
But the reason it's so great...
OK, I know... Uma Thurman is Indian,
because Uma is a Hindi name.
Also the dancing fella, John.
Travolta?
Trivandaram. What? Originally
John Trivandaram, Indian. No!
Yeah, check him out
in Saturday Night Fever -
white suit, kipper tie, big flares.
You can tell by the way he used
his walk, he's a Hindi man... Dad!
All Hollywood superstars - Indian.
What?
Golden couple, Tom Cruise
and Nicole Kidman - Indian.
Originally Om Cruise
and Nicole Kiddhaa. Please!
Not just them -
Rupee Goldberg. Robert Redfort.
Delhi Moore.
Rajah Moore.
Blonde bombshell, Baljit Nielsson.
Model turned actress,
Hindi Crawford. You've made it up!
Then how do you explain
Shirley Temple?
As you can see, by using advanced
yogic relaxation techniques,
I can take my left arm
over the back of my head,
and reach the green circle of...
Hai Ruba!
I can't believe my darling little
girl is getting married tomorrow.
It seems like only yesterday
I was wiping up after you.
Mum, it WAS yesterday. After being
force-fed 17 ladoos, you'd vomit too.
And tomorrow,
you will be stolen away from me,
dragged off by baying menfolk
to a family far away.
In Ilford -
20 minutes on the North Circular!
Stop worrying, it'll be fine. It's
not the wedding I'm worried about.
It's, um...afterwards.
You know, when you go home, and you
have to perform your wifely duties.
Oh, my God! You poor innocent child.
How are you going to cope?
Mum, we've been going out
for eight years.
Eight years!
You kept him waiting all that time!
God! He'll be like a wild animal.
Mum, the thing is... No! If they go
without IT for just one day,
terrible things happen -
they drive too fast, start fights.
Where do you get these ideas? If
your father is without for a week,
he jumps me and begs for a bit of
sado-masochistic domination.
Look, Mum, Dinesh and...
A bit of what?
Sado-masochistic domination.
For the first few years,
you can cope with it.
Four times a night,
the lunch-time knee-tremblers, etc.
Of course, you get a rest
when the babies come.
Did you say four times a night?
Oh, no!
Now it's down to two or three.
But after 40 years, you want to say,
"Stop. Enough with the Anne Summers
catsuits and vibrating eggs.
Give an old woman a break!"
Vibrating eggs?
Listen to me! I know, I don't need
to tell you modern girls
how to prolong a man's pleasure
by biting the sensitive part...
No, Mum! Please, stop!
I'm sorry, darling. I just don't
want you to go through what I do.
Very little chance of that, Mum!
Hello, beta!
Oh, bedtime already!
Goodbye, beta!
Mr Jinnah, I clearly heard
what our colleague said last night.
You must concede you are wrong.
I concede nothing. Mr Jinnah,
your obstinacy compounds the error.
No, it doesn't. Here's young Gupta.
He'll answer this question for us.
Mr Gupta, tell us what Maharaja of
Rishipuri told Mr Nehru last night.
Gentlemen, his answer was quite
unambiguous - "fuzzy duck".
When he should have said,
"ducky fuzz".
When you left, in walks the Nawab of
Patan... Trousers round his ankles.
Yeah, and... Traffic cone
on his head. Absolutely.
And they talk about
sovereign autonomy.
BOTH:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
Namaste Shanti!
Oh, Namaskar Shushila!
Cold today, hena?
Brass bander weather.
How's the family?
Busy, busy, very busy.
They went this morning to Florida,
on holiday - so nice.
Yours? Very busy.
They also went on holiday
this morning - Spain. Ah!
So, they didn't leave you
a key either? No.
But never mind.
Plenty to do in the park, hena?
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Sharing a bench in the rain
¦ Every day is the same
¦ Does no bloody good to complain
¦ In town centres and parks
Are others like us
¦ Huddled in bunches
Not making a fuss
¦ Growing old in the cold
England's turned us all grey
¦ We were once independent
Now we're just in the way
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Eating pickle and paranthe
gone cold
¦ We let happy memories unfold
¦ When we had teeth
and bladder control
¦ We'll retire back to India
is what we all said
¦ But our kids are still here
And our friends are all dead
¦ The house we grew up in
demolished last Spring
¦ For Bombay's new branch
of Burger King
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Wondering where we call home
¦ Where the heart is, says the poem
¦ Wolverhampton, says my son
¦ Sixty-five years of being
mother and wife
¦ So little to show
for so long a life
¦ Children don't want us
around in the home
¦ Thank God that the buggers
now leave us alone
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Having a laugh in the park
¦ Using bus pass after dark
¦ Not caring who hears us fart
¦ We gate-crash all weddings
Pretending we're lost
¦ We talk loud Punjabi
to piss people off
¦ We switch off our deaf-aids
when we want some peace
¦ Being ignored sometimes means
that you're free
¦ And when we're all gone
There goes your history
¦ Old friends, so young at heart
But such old friends
¦ So young at heart
But such old friends
¦ Old, old friends. ¦
We commit brave little Jeffrey
to the place all hamsters go when
they die. Is that Heaven, Daddy?
No! India!
Tonight on Late Review, we discuss
King Lear at the National Theatre.
Joining me are Tony Parsons,
Daily Mirror columnist,
academic, Germaine Greer,
poet, Tom Paulin
and an elderly Indian couple
from Slough.
What is there new to be said
about King Lear?
Bloody funny!
We laughed out loud.
When he popped his eyes out.
Gonorrhoea!
¦ I'll tell you what I want
What I really really want
¦ So tell me what you want
What you really really want
¦ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
¦ I wanna really really really
wanna zig-a-zig, ah! ¦
Zig-a-zig, ah? Come to me.
I get it for you. Don't worry.
Don't worry!
Uncle power.
¦ If you wanna be my lover
You have got to give... ¦
HE WHISTLES
¦ Skipinder, skipinder
¦ Skipinder, the Punjabi kangaroo
¦ Skipinder
¦ Skipinder...
SITAR MUSIC
¦ ...kangaroo. ¦
'Good morning, Glenda...'
Glenda's a girl's name, tubby!
Man, you got problems.
We need to talk.
Hey, don't shush me!
This is delicate - that
bottom-touching. Quiet, Skippy!
It's Skipinder, you arse-fondling
bastard! I'm sick of your gooseing.
Once in a while, after drinks, OK.
I can't come now, Skip.
I'm doing my lessons.
Yeah, pervert lessons, Glenda.
My butt-hole is private! Follow me.
All right,
but it'd better be important,
cos if Dad finds out, I'll be
in for it. He's another bum-bandit.
Whoooh-oy!
Aaagh!
Keep away from my bum!
Keep away, you're too close.
Hands off!
There's an arse-clinic ahead
with specialist arse-doctors.
They'll help with
your fluffy-chuff perversion.
Come on! What's that noise, Skip?
It's the flying arse-doctors,
innit?
Get down there pronto, kid.
A specialist will see you right.
Why are they here?
Sorting out buggers like you.
Let's go find out.
Arse! You're on your own, fatty!
No-one experiments on my buttocks!
I'm off to the pub.
Skippy!
How did you get in front of me?
Where have they gone? Back to Uranus,
get it? Joe wouldn't go.
He promised me two dollars. I've two
dollars, but what's in it for me?
Hey! What are you doing?
Hello! Daylight robbery!
Two dollars for a lousy hand-job.
Stop the car, I'm gonna be sick.
Open the door, quick.
It's coming! Open the door!
Bhooaarh! That's better.
Hey, don't start! I'm not coming
if you start that nonsense.
Whooaah! Not in public,
there's people watching!
I need a drink.
G'day, sir. Yeah, gin and tonic.
Don't touch!
C'mon, let's all three go in here...
Oh, no! Not both of you!
Bloody charlatan!
Worse arse-doctor ever!
I'll report you
to Rolf bleedin' Harris!
Personal friend, Rolf - army days.
Bye, Skippy!
Yeah, bye! (Wanker.)
Then, we are agreed, gentlemen. It
is time for us to meet our destiny,
and to show the waiting world
that we are indeed ready to steer
Mother India towards independence
"Goodness gracious me."
Bye, Mum, Dad. We're off. You
lovebirds off somewhere romantic?
Just to the pictures.
Oh, romantic film? No, a comedy.
Good idea. Your mother and I saw
a very funny film the other day.
Very funny, you must see it.
What was it called?
I can't remember,
but it was very hilarious.
It all takes place on a boat,
with all these crazy people there.
All laughing, drinking
and being very silly.
And lots of dancing and carrying on
below deck.
And just when the party gets
really swinging...
They...they...hit an iceberg!
And the whole bloody boat sinks!
The funny thing is, there wasn't
enough lifeboats to go round.
They all splash around in the water,
"Help, I can't swim." Such fun!
Your mother and I laughed out loud.
That's how funny it was.
That's, er, Titanic,
and it's not funny.
Well, we liked it, didn't we?
Help, I'm frozen!
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT
G'day. Welcome to Rabs's Animal
Hospital in downtown Karachi.
Someone's had a terrible accident.
Mate, tell us what happened.
I was sitting in my living room,
and I saw this dog on my driveway,
sniffing around.
So I went and reversed my car out,
and I felt this bump.
Is he dead? The poor little fellow
looks bad, but he'll survive.
LOUD BANG
And now?
1905, the University of Cambridge -
a gathering of the world's
intellectual elite.
Among them, men destined to lead
their mother country to independence.
Nehru and Jinnah,
the Cambridge Years.
Ah, Mr Nehru.
Mr Jinnah.
Mr Nehru, salaam, salaam, salaam.
BOTH: How do you do?
How went last night's meeting?
The Congress All India Committee?
The same. Mr Jinnah, it is
unfortunate you could not attend.
Our historians will remember
this meeting as the first true
stirrings of Indian independence.
Then it was a success? Yes.
And a total lager frenzy.
Although I never touched a drop.
Because of your unimpeachable
moral rectitude?
Yes, though some colleagues were
completely shedded. That's bonkers.
Here's Gupta, how goes the revision
for Finals? Mr Nehru, Mr Jinnah.
I've done absolutely none, and I
don't care. Because you're bonkers?
Precisely.
Bu-u-urp!!
Oh, dear!
And they talk about the emerging
intellectual middle class.
Did you hear about our supper
in old Gandhi's rooms? Do tell.
We were about to play billiards,
when in walks the Nawab of Patan,
trousers round his ankles,
traffic cone on his head,
singing about four and twenty women
from Inverness.
And they talk about creating
a Nation State...
TOGETHER:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
I don't believe it, Beena!
Here's that guy again,
trying pathetically to catch
our eye. Look, buddy!
We're with two gorgeous Asian men.
Tell him we haven't made them up.
Yeah,
we ain't made 'em up this time.
You can drool over our babe-licious
bodies, but we're taken.
You girls going to order a drink?
Sorry, no...
Thanks, the guys are getting
our drinks from the bar.
What do you mean?
They didn't ask us what we wanted.
But you always have
Malibu and Creme de Menthe.
That's not the point! They
didn't ask. What does that say?
They're two nice blokes who want to
buy us a drink, innit? No!
They are trying to control us,
innit? It starts with a Babycham,
and soon you're pregnant and tied
to a sink, and he's shaggin' Tracey.
Well, buddies - in your dreams! You
been watching Jerry Springer, innit?
Jerry! Jerry!
Anyway, Dev's last girlfriend
wasn't called Tracey, but Amanda.
Great! We're with two Asian guys,
who've had fun with WHITE women,
and want to go out with
two desi-doormats! In their dreams!
But your Raman ain't been out with
a goree...or anyone in ages.
Oh, great! Now I get
the closet-gay Asian bloke,
who wants to marry me so he can
lead a sordid double-life!
In his dreams! Er, Meena... I'll
tell him I don't like his jumper!
They've gone.
When? Just now, when you were
shouting and foaming at the mouth.
See, they're all bastards, innit?
Breathe... Breathe.
Breathe.
Welcome to International
Mastermind from the Great Hall
of the University of Madras.
May we have our first contender,
please?
Your name?
BUZZER
You've started, so you may finish.
Mr Nehru, as leading Muslim
on the All India Committee,
I must warn you my people
will not back down.
As Congress Chairman,
I must tell you,
we Hindhus will not be dictated to.
Mr Nehru! No, Mr Jinnah. Gentlemen,
in the interests of maintaining
solidarity, I have a proposal
I shall lie on the bed,
then you can both push.
TOGETHER:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
Now, on the Lahore Cable Network,
a gritty fly-on-the-wall docu-soap
about a typical English family.
Yes! It's High and Blighty,
starring Ayub Khan as Arthur Simpkin,
Ritu Nair as Mary Simpkin,
Asha Chadha as Victoria,
and Chippy Singh as Charles.
Mare-eeeah!
Where's me tea and supper?
You silly cow! Shut your cakehole,
Arthurjee, I've been busy.
Watch it, or I'll divorce you!
Anyway, what you been up to?
Doin' shagging with the milkman,
after all, we are English.
Quite right. Where's the bleedin'
kids? Ain't seen them for weeks.
TOGETHER
¦ Land of hope and glory! ¦
Shut up! Charles, Victoria,
where've you been?
Get laid! Taking drugs.
What are you doing
in Grandad's wheelchair?
I'm English and I've no respect
for the elders.
'Ere, your Grandad fought
against the Hitlers!
Mary. Hang on, you old fart! Have
you kids forgotten what day it is?
The day you finally get a job?
No, cheeky! Rent day. So be regular
English kids and pay up, toe-rags!
And start looking for somewhere
to live - cos at 16, you're out!
Who's that? Some tart I shagged
the night of your careers evening.
When will you find a bloke to get
you up the duff and off me hands?
'Ere, Grandad's ill.
I think he needs medical attention.
We can't afford it.
But he might die! Good!
We could do with that room back.
Yes, we're English. We think more
of our pets than our own parents.
'Ere, Grandad's died.
Everyone down the pub.
ALL: Hooray!
¦ Land of hope and glory... ¦
Shut up!
What d'you want, luv?
Domination? S & M? Water sports?
Water sports? Why not come to me?
Don't, really...
I get for you much cheaper.
Don't bother.
Really, don't worry. Don't worry!
It was a most tragic programme.
Very sad.
Because, don't you see, he would
have succeeded in his endeavours
and made something of his life,
if it wasn't for this...
plonker, Rodney!
They could have been millionaires.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
for attending the launch
of my new spiritual guide,
The Maharishi Yogi's
True Path to Enlightenment.
As we are all aware,
the market for spiritual guidebooks
is saturated by many charlatans.
People like Deepak Chopra,
the Dalai Lama,
Delia Smith.
These people miss the very essence
of Vedic teaching,
as summarised by
the ancient Sanskrit dictum...
"Blighton, nagrishum, narushdie...
"Er...
"Yogi, yascubea, machlee."
This is meaning...
the best things in life...are free.
But you can keep them for the birds
and bees, I want money.
But my book is the only one
that remains faithful
to the principles of Vedic teaching,
and also available in pop-up form.
I was inspired to write this by the
astounding success of my first work,
The Maharishi's Genealogy
of Moral Eastern Philosophy,
later turned into the Hollywood
blockbuster, Basic Instinct.
In my new book,
I solve the problems of life
in a stress-filled modern world.
Now, there are two paths
to spiritual fulfilment,
I would recommend the hardback path,
priced £18.99.
Now, as you all know, my book
is the centre of some controversy.
There are those that disagree with
my teachings, and criticise my work,
especially Chapter 29,
where the guru meets
the blondes in the jacuzzi.
To these sceptics, I would quote
an ancient Sanskrit proverb,
"Mel B or Mel C aya boss...
"va va, yeh kya yeh, arsevosh."
This is meaning, "Come on, I'm
trying to sell some books here."
G'day.
Welcome to Rab's Animal Hospital.
I'm in the New Delhi Animal
Dispensary with Mr Bhattia.
G'day. Hello.
Who's this you've brought along
today? He's a lovely fellow,
aren't you, boy? He's my cleaner.
Poor chap, he seems to be in pain.
Yes, he got run over.
Poor mite! How did that happen?
He spilt tea on my jacket,
so I pushed him under a bus.
Bastard! Still, never mind, eh?
Cheer up, little fella.
Ah, shut up!
I said you'd like Pulp Fiction.
Tarantino's a brilliant director.
Yes, it's well directed.
But the reason it's so great...
OK, I know... Uma Thurman is Indian,
because Uma is a Hindi name.
Also the dancing fella, John.
Travolta?
Trivandaram. What? Originally
John Trivandaram, Indian. No!
Yeah, check him out
in Saturday Night Fever -
white suit, kipper tie, big flares.
You can tell by the way he used
his walk, he's a Hindi man... Dad!
All Hollywood superstars - Indian.
What?
Golden couple, Tom Cruise
and Nicole Kidman - Indian.
Originally Om Cruise
and Nicole Kiddhaa. Please!
Not just them -
Rupee Goldberg. Robert Redfort.
Delhi Moore.
Rajah Moore.
Blonde bombshell, Baljit Nielsson.
Model turned actress,
Hindi Crawford. You've made it up!
Then how do you explain
Shirley Temple?
As you can see, by using advanced
yogic relaxation techniques,
I can take my left arm
over the back of my head,
and reach the green circle of...
Hai Ruba!
I can't believe my darling little
girl is getting married tomorrow.
It seems like only yesterday
I was wiping up after you.
Mum, it WAS yesterday. After being
force-fed 17 ladoos, you'd vomit too.
And tomorrow,
you will be stolen away from me,
dragged off by baying menfolk
to a family far away.
In Ilford -
20 minutes on the North Circular!
Stop worrying, it'll be fine. It's
not the wedding I'm worried about.
It's, um...afterwards.
You know, when you go home, and you
have to perform your wifely duties.
Oh, my God! You poor innocent child.
How are you going to cope?
Mum, we've been going out
for eight years.
Eight years!
You kept him waiting all that time!
God! He'll be like a wild animal.
Mum, the thing is... No! If they go
without IT for just one day,
terrible things happen -
they drive too fast, start fights.
Where do you get these ideas? If
your father is without for a week,
he jumps me and begs for a bit of
sado-masochistic domination.
Look, Mum, Dinesh and...
A bit of what?
Sado-masochistic domination.
For the first few years,
you can cope with it.
Four times a night,
the lunch-time knee-tremblers, etc.
Of course, you get a rest
when the babies come.
Did you say four times a night?
Oh, no!
Now it's down to two or three.
But after 40 years, you want to say,
"Stop. Enough with the Anne Summers
catsuits and vibrating eggs.
Give an old woman a break!"
Vibrating eggs?
Listen to me! I know, I don't need
to tell you modern girls
how to prolong a man's pleasure
by biting the sensitive part...
No, Mum! Please, stop!
I'm sorry, darling. I just don't
want you to go through what I do.
Very little chance of that, Mum!
Hello, beta!
Oh, bedtime already!
Goodbye, beta!
Mr Jinnah, I clearly heard
what our colleague said last night.
You must concede you are wrong.
I concede nothing. Mr Jinnah,
your obstinacy compounds the error.
No, it doesn't. Here's young Gupta.
He'll answer this question for us.
Mr Gupta, tell us what Maharaja of
Rishipuri told Mr Nehru last night.
Gentlemen, his answer was quite
unambiguous - "fuzzy duck".
When he should have said,
"ducky fuzz".
When you left, in walks the Nawab of
Patan... Trousers round his ankles.
Yeah, and... Traffic cone
on his head. Absolutely.
And they talk about
sovereign autonomy.
BOTH:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
Namaste Shanti!
Oh, Namaskar Shushila!
Cold today, hena?
Brass bander weather.
How's the family?
Busy, busy, very busy.
They went this morning to Florida,
on holiday - so nice.
Yours? Very busy.
They also went on holiday
this morning - Spain. Ah!
So, they didn't leave you
a key either? No.
But never mind.
Plenty to do in the park, hena?
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Sharing a bench in the rain
¦ Every day is the same
¦ Does no bloody good to complain
¦ In town centres and parks
Are others like us
¦ Huddled in bunches
Not making a fuss
¦ Growing old in the cold
England's turned us all grey
¦ We were once independent
Now we're just in the way
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Eating pickle and paranthe
gone cold
¦ We let happy memories unfold
¦ When we had teeth
and bladder control
¦ We'll retire back to India
is what we all said
¦ But our kids are still here
And our friends are all dead
¦ The house we grew up in
demolished last Spring
¦ For Bombay's new branch
of Burger King
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Wondering where we call home
¦ Where the heart is, says the poem
¦ Wolverhampton, says my son
¦ Sixty-five years of being
mother and wife
¦ So little to show
for so long a life
¦ Children don't want us
around in the home
¦ Thank God that the buggers
now leave us alone
¦ Old friends, like bookends
¦ Having a laugh in the park
¦ Using bus pass after dark
¦ Not caring who hears us fart
¦ We gate-crash all weddings
Pretending we're lost
¦ We talk loud Punjabi
to piss people off
¦ We switch off our deaf-aids
when we want some peace
¦ Being ignored sometimes means
that you're free
¦ And when we're all gone
There goes your history
¦ Old friends, so young at heart
But such old friends
¦ So young at heart
But such old friends
¦ Old, old friends. ¦
We commit brave little Jeffrey
to the place all hamsters go when
they die. Is that Heaven, Daddy?
No! India!
Tonight on Late Review, we discuss
King Lear at the National Theatre.
Joining me are Tony Parsons,
Daily Mirror columnist,
academic, Germaine Greer,
poet, Tom Paulin
and an elderly Indian couple
from Slough.
What is there new to be said
about King Lear?
Bloody funny!
We laughed out loud.
When he popped his eyes out.
Gonorrhoea!
¦ I'll tell you what I want
What I really really want
¦ So tell me what you want
What you really really want
¦ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
¦ I wanna really really really
wanna zig-a-zig, ah! ¦
Zig-a-zig, ah? Come to me.
I get it for you. Don't worry.
Don't worry!
Uncle power.
¦ If you wanna be my lover
You have got to give... ¦
HE WHISTLES
¦ Skipinder, skipinder
¦ Skipinder, the Punjabi kangaroo
¦ Skipinder
¦ Skipinder...
SITAR MUSIC
¦ ...kangaroo. ¦
'Good morning, Glenda...'
Glenda's a girl's name, tubby!
Man, you got problems.
We need to talk.
Hey, don't shush me!
This is delicate - that
bottom-touching. Quiet, Skippy!
It's Skipinder, you arse-fondling
bastard! I'm sick of your gooseing.
Once in a while, after drinks, OK.
I can't come now, Skip.
I'm doing my lessons.
Yeah, pervert lessons, Glenda.
My butt-hole is private! Follow me.
All right,
but it'd better be important,
cos if Dad finds out, I'll be
in for it. He's another bum-bandit.
Whoooh-oy!
Aaagh!
Keep away from my bum!
Keep away, you're too close.
Hands off!
There's an arse-clinic ahead
with specialist arse-doctors.
They'll help with
your fluffy-chuff perversion.
Come on! What's that noise, Skip?
It's the flying arse-doctors,
innit?
Get down there pronto, kid.
A specialist will see you right.
Why are they here?
Sorting out buggers like you.
Let's go find out.
Arse! You're on your own, fatty!
No-one experiments on my buttocks!
I'm off to the pub.
Skippy!
How did you get in front of me?
Where have they gone? Back to Uranus,
get it? Joe wouldn't go.
He promised me two dollars. I've two
dollars, but what's in it for me?
Hey! What are you doing?
Hello! Daylight robbery!
Two dollars for a lousy hand-job.
Stop the car, I'm gonna be sick.
Open the door, quick.
It's coming! Open the door!
Bhooaarh! That's better.
Hey, don't start! I'm not coming
if you start that nonsense.
Whooaah! Not in public,
there's people watching!
I need a drink.
G'day, sir. Yeah, gin and tonic.
Don't touch!
C'mon, let's all three go in here...
Oh, no! Not both of you!
Bloody charlatan!
Worse arse-doctor ever!
I'll report you
to Rolf bleedin' Harris!
Personal friend, Rolf - army days.
Bye, Skippy!
Yeah, bye! (Wanker.)
Then, we are agreed, gentlemen. It
is time for us to meet our destiny,
and to show the waiting world
that we are indeed ready to steer
Mother India towards independence
"Goodness gracious me."