Good Times (1974–1979): Season 6, Episode 9 - J.J. and the Plumber's Helper - full transcript

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Anytime you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and survivin' ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow line ♪
♪ Good times ♪



♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪

Oh, listen. What Mrs.
Garner didn't know...

was that Mr. Garner got back
from Detroit two days earlier.

And, honey, when Mr. Garner
walked into that house... [Chuckles]

Like that commercial
where the woman says,

"My man wears English
Leather or nothing at all"?

Well, the dude that he
caught her in there with...

was not wearing English
Leather, baby! [Guffaws]

You know where I'm
coming from? [Laughing]

Willona, I told you I had this
bus maintenance report to get out.

How do you expect me to
concentrate with all this noise?

Noise? I don't hear any noise.

You, Willona. I meant you.



Me, noisy? Now just look
what you made me do.

"Second gear squeaks, especially when that
dude stands there wearing nothing at all."

If my dispatcher reads this, I'll
have a lot of explaining to do.

That ain't nothing compared to the
explaining Mrs. Garner gonna have to do.

I tell you. If I didn't hate
gossip so much... What?

Flo. Flo, come here. [Sniffing]

- Come here,
come here, come here.
- What is it?

You smell it? [Sniffs]

Yeah!

Sort of smells like ham. Mm-hmm.

Burnin'. Maybe someone
set fire to Howard Cosell.

Oh.

[Sniffs] Ma, what's that smell?

I don't know, Thelma. It's
goin' all through the house.

Maybe the garbagemen
are on strike.

In this neighborhood?
How could you tell?

It don't even smell
like this neighborhood.

Smells like something
out of this world!

♪ I am the sunshine of my life ♪

♪ That is why the
women hang around me ♪

♪ I feel like this is
the beginning ♪♪

It smells more like the ending.

Hey, look here, catfish face.

I'll have you know
this is not a smell.

This is an aroma,
a wafting fragrance.

Oh, that's just great. Half a
million brothers in Chicago...

Some sing, some
dance, this one's wafting.

That's a new
cologne, isn't it, J.J.?

Oh, yeah, Ma. How'd you guess?

The houseplants are drying up.

Let me see that mess.

[Gags, Groans]

Ooh!

[Laughs] "Tenderloin." They call
this stuff Tenderloin. You believe that?

Look here Keith.
I'll have you know...

many women get passionate
at the smell of food. [Chuckles]

Matter of fact, for
another buck, 50,

I could've gotten myself
some clam chowder.

Yeah, then you could have wore
some oyster crackers under each arm.

Son, why don't you take
some of your art-class money...

and buy a decent
bottle of cologne?

You know, the girls
don't want to spend an

evening with a man
smellin' like a TV dinner.

I know, Ma. But I was desperate.

- Vanessa kind of caught me
off guard this time.
- Vanessa?

The Vanessa Blake
is back in town?

Hold it, J.J. Who
is Vanessa Blake?

Well, let me put it
to you this way, Ma.

If she hadn't had to go to
New York to visit her relatives,

she may have been
your new daughter-in-law.

That's serious.

Yeah, Vanessa is different
than them other girls

I go out with, like Myrna
the Human Burner.

She's got real class.

Matter of fact, M&M'S
won't melt in her mouth.

Wow, I wish I'd been
here to meet this girl.

The Sahara Desert
ain't sayin' nothing...

compared to the heat wave
they was makin' last summer.

Where are you
gonna take her, J.J.?

Last summer he woulda taken her
to La Maisons de la Concorce. Hmm!

Hey, wait a minute. I know
that place. It's expensive.

Mm-hmm, one of the
fanciest in Chicago.

It's a revolving restaurant
on top of a skyscraper.

Yeah, that place is so exclusive you don't
go to the john, it comes around to you.

Yeah, that was in the old days
when I was rolling in the big bucks.

Well, I certainly hope you've told
her that you lost your job since then.

Oh, now, come on.
Y'all worry too much.

But you are gonna
tell her, aren't you?

Of course I'm gonna
tell her, Thelma.

Look, me and Vanessa don't
keep anything from each other.

We're real tight. That's
how come she love me.

[Chuckles] [Knocking]

Check. Hey, don't
worry about it, Ma.

When you see Vanessa,
you'll see when they

created her, they broke
the mold. [Chuckles]

They didn't break the mold, they
just took one look and dropped it.

That's not Vanessa. Come on.

Evenin', folks. We're up
here to unstop the bathtub.

At 7:30 in the evening?

Yeah, Bookman. Shouldn't you be
home learning how to clone leftovers?

[Laughing]

Laughing at your
superior is gonna cost you.

Now I'm docking
you 15 minutes pay.

Hey, Bookman, uh,
who's your new assistant?

This is T.C., everybody.

Hey there, T.C. Hi.

What'd I tell you about
fraternizin' with the tenants?

Hey, now, she was just sayin'
hello. What is your problem, Booger?

"Booger"? [Laughs]

Now that's 30 minutes pay.

Bookman! Hey, man.

Look, six months ago I wrote
downtown and asked for a raise.

But did I get a raise? No-o-o!

I got a kid on a federal
CETA program...

that can't tell a
screwdriver from a wrench.

[Chuckling] Now that's an hour!

Oh, for crying out
loud! Give her a break.

Oh, it's all right. He already docked
me so much, I think I owe him money.

And don't you ever forget it. Now
let's get busy before I really get upset.

[Sniffing] Hey, J.J., you wearin'
a new cologne or something?

Oh, yes, it is, Bookman.

I think it smells fantastic.

Thank you, Bookman.
Thank you very much. [Laughs]

- See there, Ma?
- J.J.

That's Bookman!

A bath in mayonnaise
would please him.

You just hang in
there, okay, T.C.?

Yeah, he signs the time
sheets, you know? T.C.!

All right! All right, fatso.

Now that last remark is
gonna cost you a whole day!

Get on in here! Come
on. Get on. [Knocking]

That must be
Vanessa. [Chuckling]

- Uh, Billy Dee. The door?
- Oh, yeah.

J.J., darling!

[Chuckling] Vanessa,
my contessa.

We've been parted much too long.

Did you fly here on
gossamer wings? No. T.W.A.

But, J.J., you were
on my mind so much,

I saw your face
on all the clouds.

Rained all the way, huh?

Uh, over here is my
brother-in-law Keith,

and you remember my old,
ugly sister over here, frog face.

Well, we were just
gonna go bowling.

- Would you guys like to come?
- Oh, no, thank you.

The night air is just
murder on my lip gloss.

[Howling Cackle]
Real class! Real class!

I tell you, this woman
out-vogues Vogue,

out-Harper's Harper's Brassiere.

That's so cute. I'll
see you later, Flo.

- Nice seein' you again,
Vanessa.
- Ciao.

Hamburger to you, sweetie.

Uh, Vanessa, I would like
for you to meet my mother.

Uh, Vanessa. Mumsy.

Hello, Vanessa. I've
heard so much about you.

My, what a beautiful voice!

You know, people
with full, deep voices...

just make me tingle all over.

[Deep Voice] Well, then, why
don't we sit down on the couch here.

Well, J.J., we've got
so much to talk about.

Now tell me, did you ever get
that big promotion you were up for?

- [Babbling]
- Things have changed.

0h, well, yes. Genius
often goes unrewarded.

I was dating this real
estate agent in New York,

and he lost a big client.

And he had to cancel
his order for a Maserati...

and settle for a Porsche.

Poor guy. Real tough break.

Excuse me, Vanessa, but would
you like a cup of coffee or anything?

Oh, no, thank you, Mrs.
Evans. I mean, I do like coffee,

but hot liquids are
just murder on my...

Lip gloss, I know. [Chuckles]

She's charming. [Chuckles] Yes.

Well, darling, tell me. What
are we going to do tonight?

Well, I figured
we'd play it by ear,

since your lobes
are so "wubblely."

[Laughs] Ohh,
he's so considerate.

[Laughs]

In that case, darling, I was thinking maybe
we might have dinner and then see a show.

Any suggestions?

How about McDonald's
and Hawaii Five-O?

[Chuckles] Ohh!

McDonald's and Hawaii Five-O!

Oh, J.J., you're such a joker.

[Both Laugh]

But, seriously darling,
well, I was thinking...

maybe we would have
din-din at La Maisons,

and then we could see The Wiz.

And then, I know of a
fabulous after-hours roller disco.

Roller disco? I don't
have a skate key.

Oh, J.J., do stop
it. [Laughs] [Laughs]

Uh, listen, Vanessa,
about La Maisons?

I think J.J. has something
he wants to tell you.

- Right, J.J.?
- Uh, yeah.

Uh, Vanessa, about
La Maisons... Yes, J.J.?

Well, uh, tonight's
their, uh, busiest night,

so, uh... So?

Uh, yeah. Uh, so,

we'd better get down there early if
we wanna get a good table. [Chuckles]

- What?
- Uh, just go wait
outside for me.

I'll be out there in
a moment. [Kissing]

J.J., have you lost your mind?

You can't afford La Maisons.

The hatcheck girls there
even drive Rolls-Royces.

Ma, give me credit for
havin' some common sense.

I mean, I got myself into this.

I can get myself out of this...

by myself, if you don't mind.

Thank you.

Ma, could you give
me the name of the

mildest dish-washing
detergent to your hands?

Try... lip gloss.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you. "Mercy boo cup."

You see, J.J. This place
isn't so crowded after all.

Yeah, that must mean the
food here is not that good.

Let's go. Honey,
we just got here.

I mean, the least we can
do is look at the menu.

Oh, yeah. [Clears Throat]

Well, what do you think?

Well, the Jell-O looks nice.

Darling, you're looking
at the dessert page.

Now come on. Let's
look at the dinners.

All right. All right.

Did you hear what the surgeon
general says about French cookin'?

It's hazardous to your health.

You know, you could get your
croutons stuck in your crepes.

J.J., don't be gauche.

Monsieur Evans.

Oh, Monsieur Evans, what
a pleasure to see you again...

after all these many,
many months. Uh-huh.

You have been away on
business, oui? Oui, oui, oui.

Uh, Francois, oui, yes.

I am glad you decided to
come back to us at La Maisons.

And I will be looking forward
to serving you myself, monsieur.

Y-Yes. Yes. I forgot about this.

Karl Malden's bringin' over
my traveler's checks personally.

Uh, would you
care for... a cocktail?

Yes. No.

Uh, I mean, do you have
anything made from a lot of water?

Oui, monsieur. We call it "ice."

Too funny, Frenchy. Too funny.

Francois. Mm-hmm.

I'll have the filet mignon,
and I'll start with the escargot.

Ah, fine. The snails are
very plump this year. Oh.

Yeah, you would be too
if you ate all day was mud.

J.J., people are
starting to stare.

Perhaps monsieur would
care for more time to decide?

Yeah, good idea.

Sacre bleu!

And, uh, Vida Blue to you too.

J.J., do you know how
embarrassing this is?

Now, what's the matter with you?

Uh, Vanessa, my
contessa, I, uh...

- I lost my job.
- You what?

Uh, you see, Vanessa,

uh, they had to lay me
off a couple months ago.

Uh, I can't, uh, even afford
this French restaurant.

I can't even afford French toast.
I'm sorry I even brought you here.

You could have at least told me.

I wanted to, but every time I
looked into those big, lovely eyes,

I... I just didn't have the guts.
You got every right to be mad, but...

Mad? Oh, J.J., what kind of
a woman do you think I am?

You mean, you're not upset?

I thought you'd really be upset
by this whole thing. Upset?

Oh, J.J., I'm a very
understanding person.

But, right now, I have to
go and powder my nose.

And I will be right back.

[Chuckles, Kisses]

[Laughs]

Boy, Evans, you have
pulled another one out.

[Cackling]

Boy, I don't know how they did Mission
Impossible without you for all those years.

Ma! Willona.

What y'all doin' here? We
just came to help you out of this.

We're gonna say your sister is very sick,
and you have to come home in a hurry.

We could tell her the truth...
That you are sick in your head.

Now take it easy,
y'all. Take it easy.

I talked with Vanessa, and everything's
under control. She understands everything.

Matter of fact, she'll
be back in a minute.

Hey, everybody, I want
y'all to meet Francois.

Francois, this is my mother and
this is Willona. Enchanté, madame.

"Sassy boom."

Uh, will you two be taking
the young lady's place?

- Young lady? What young lady?
- Well, the young lady
you brought here.

Before she left, she told me that
you would be dining alone, monsieur.

She left? She's gone?

Why, of course. I had her
personally escorted to a taxi.

Now, will you be dining alone or will
the two ladies be joining you, monsieur?

Monsieur? Monsieur Evans?

Monsieur?

Oh, Keith, I just don't know.

I've never seen
J.J. so depressed.

Walks around all day
with his head down.

I saw him. He
looks like a golf club.

He says he's swearing
off women forever.

He even wants to have
Valentine's Day abolished.

He doesn't mean that. I said the
same thing myself before I met Thelma.

Listen. I'll talk to him.
There's nothin' to worry about.

Thank you, Keith.

[Together] There's a
whole lot to worry about.

Oh, listen, J.J.

Son, I know how hard it is to lose
someone you really care about.

But you'll meet other girls, as
soon as you take off this outfit.

I feel like I'm
talkin' to a guru.

J.J., as girl-crazy as you are,

how can you let one woman
completely destroy you like this?

Hmm? It's not just
Vanessa, Keith.

I mean, when I had a job, girls
were comin' through the window.

Now that I'm out of work, I can't
even get a cat to rub up against my leg.

I tell ya, the Sultan of
Swoon is busted like a balloon.

- J.J., that's not true.
- It is so, Ma.

In the old days, Cupid use to come
and shoot his arrow through my heart.

Now when he comes in, he just
blows me away with a .357 Magnum.

Let me tell ya. I'm finished.

J.J., everybody strikes
out once in awhile.

I can give you a thousand good reasons
why girls would be attracted to you.

[Florida] Yeah. Oh,
yeah? Name one.

One? I'll give you three. Uh,
you're tall, you're dark, you're han...

[Clears Throat] And you got
a good sense of humor. Keith!

Right. I need some more words to describe
you, J.J. I'm gonna go and check it out...

right now in the dictionary... some
words to describe J.J. [Clears Throat]

J.J., he didn't
mean any of that.

Nice try, Ma.

Hey, J.J., guess what.

I found a girl who is
very interested in you.

Thelma, I told you before. I
don't wanna meet any girls,

I don't wanna see any
girls, I don't wanna...

Who is this girl?

- T.C.
- T.C. [Laughs]

Now, isn't this wonderful?

That's all I need to add injury
to insult, salt to the wound.

Thelma, forget it!

Hi, J.J.

How ya doin', T.C.!

Hey, I heard about
your little problem, and...

Well, I'd like to go out with
you sometime, if you'd like to.

Hey, look here, T.C. I
don't even have a job.

Go out there and get yourself one of
those rich sugar daddies like everybody is.

J.J.!

Oh, I'm sorry, T.C. Well, at
least we gave it a try, huh?

Aha! So there you are...

Goofin' off, dodging
work, out of uniform.

[Scoffs] Boy, your paycheck's
gonna look so bad this week,

you'll get sympathy
cards from the I.R.S.

You're lucky I don't
fire you for this. Good!

Then you won't have to waste you
breath, balloon belly, cause I quit!

Wait a minute! You quit?

That's right, Bookman. So
you might as well fire me.

Because I'm not comin' back
until you start treating me...

- like a human being.
- All right.

Now look here, T.C.! The
name is Theresa, Buffalo Butt!

So you can just... You
can just take your job,

and you can use this on it!

Okay, okay, okay, Theresa.

Look, you can't quit on me now.

I mean, I'll-I'll fall behind.
You'll blow my schedule.

And you may even
have to do a little work.

[Laughs]

Look. Tell you what. You know that
silly little day I docked from your pay?

Mm-hmm. It's yours.

Plus coffee breaks.
Yeah, yeah, coffee breaks.

It's a deal. But one thing.

I don't share my six-pack
of doughnuts with nobody.

Oh. I'm sorry, Mrs. Evans.

No, no, T.C. There's
no need to be sorry.

It took a whole lot of heart to stand
up to Bookman the way you did.

It certainly did, T.C.

I mean, uh, Theresa.

- Enough heart
to take to dinner?
- Uh, like I told you before,

I don't... I don't have a job.

- I'm broke.
- So what? I'm not.

You mean, you'd take
me to dinner? Sure.

That is, unless you've got something
against dating a super's apprentice,

or unless you don't
mind McDonald's.

Uh, I love McDonald's.

Matter of fact, Mayor McCheese
gave me a key to McDonaldsville.

Good! Then see you
tonight at 8:00? It's a date.

Ahh! Oh, and, Thelma?

Bye.

You see that, J.J. [Laughs]

You still got it! Yeah.

Now, it's just a matter of
how to spread it around...

Real cheap. Oh! [Laughs]

♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ Just lookin' out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how it all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪♪ [Continues] Good Times is
videotaped before a studio audience.

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪♪