Good Times (1974–1979): Season 5, Episode 6 - Willona, the Fuzz - full transcript

After Penny calls her 'Momma' for the first time, Willona decides to make her happy by paying for her ice skating lessons. She takes an extra job at the store by watching women in the changing rooms through two-way mirrors to catch shoplifters; but her new job leads to a debate over the invasion of shoppers' privacy.

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♪ Good times ♪

♪ Any time You're
out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

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♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

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for all, I do not go
out on blind dates!

I know we've been out before,

but in my book, you
are still a blind date!

Why?

Because you are cheap.

Cheap, cheap, cheap!



Nobody orders pizza
with nothin' on it.

Hey, wait a minute!

And remember, you still owe
me for that Egg McMuffin. Ha-ha.

Oh, yes, you do! Bye, Clarence!

You know, Thelma, I
thought it was cold outside,

till I walked in here

and heard you talkin'
to that cat on the phone.

Michael, what
happened to your coat?

Well, let's just
say I donated it

to someone less
fortunate than me.

Michael, you gave away
your good winter coat?

Well... Not exactly, Thelma.

It got ripped off.

Um... who is this person
less fortunate than you?

The sucker who
did the rippin' off.

'Cause when I catch up with him,

not only will he
be minus my coat

but I'm a-kick out
his two front teeth.

Aw, Michael, that's terrible.

You're gonna catch pneumonia
out here without a coat.

Yeah, I know. But you
know we can't afford it.

What happened to all that money
you made workin' after school?

Well, some of it I
used for lunches,

and some of it I used to help
buy Ma's wedding present.

And the rest... I spent
it on Cindy Thompson.

Ah, well, you're gonna
have to forget about

that little Cindy
Thompson for now.

Hey, now wait a minute, Thelma.

I ain't got no winter coat now.

I gotta keep warm somehow.

Here's the mail.

J.J., all these bills!

Gas bills, phone
bills, electric bills. Oh!

Thelma, just pay the heat bill!

My nose feels like an icicle!

If I blew it, I'll tear
my handkerchief!

I think the three of us
better have a meeting

so we can get together
and discuss our finances.

Finances?

[LAUGHS]

We don't have any, Thelma.

Meeting adjourned.

Yeah, Thelma,
don't get all uptight.

If you need some money,
I'll just write out a check.

J.J., we don't have
any money in the bank.

That never bothered Burt Lance.

J.J., you got your
paycheck, right. Where is it?

Right here on my arm, girl.

I got myself one of
them computer watches.

Look here, Michael.

This watch tells the day,
the minute, the second.

And it even adds, multiplies,
divides and subtracts.

And I got one of them
double readouts here.

J.J., Michael's coat
got ripped off today

and he needs a new one.

These bill collectors
are down our backs

and you're gonna waste
your money on that!

Thelma, I'm the only
one at the advertisin' office

without a watch.

Every time the boss
ask what time it is,

everybody else
looks on their wrist.

Me, I gotta go downstairs
22 flights on an elevator...

go around the corner,
stand in front of the bank,

wait for the
temperature to finish...

Fahrenheit and Celsius...

go back upstairs 22
flights, sit down at my desk,

tell the boss, "It's 11:10,"

and the boss say,
"Wrong. It's 11:30."

Hi, everybody.

Look what I won
for figure skating.

That's marvelous! That's great!

J.J.: That's wonderful!

My coach said I did
a perfect figure eight.

Oh, good!

Oh, yeah? One day, I'll show
you how to skate it the hard way.

Two fours!

[LAUGHS]

Hi, everybody.

THELMA: Hi, Willona.

Come on, gimme some sugar.

Mmph! Was you a
good girl today? Uh-huh.

Guess what.

I got a guess what too.

Me first! Go ahead.

I won this for figure skating!

Junior division!

Oh, I like your guess what!

And just for that,
I'm gonna buy you

a brand-new ice skating outfit.

And I'm gonna pay for
it with my guess what.

What happened, Willona?

Honey, I got me a bonus.

Dig this.

Willona Woods, Sherlock
Holmes' younger, darker sister,

caught herself a
professional shoplifter today.

Was it dangerous, Willona?

Honey, it happened so
fast, I couldn't even think.

You know, I was leavin'
the boutique section

on the way to a break,

and suddenly, this pregnant
woman ran out the store,

and I got suspicious.

Willona, what's so suspicious
about a pregnant woman?

Honey, the chick
was 83 years old.

I notified the store detectives,
and they went outside...

and, honey, before
you could say Kojak,

that woman gave birth to
a 7-pound alligator purse!

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

Oh, that ain't funny though.

Shoplifting has become
an epidemic in this country.

Yeah, and who
ends up paying for it?

We do. Through higher prices.

Honey, but check
out who they catchin'.

Doctors, businessmen and
children from wealthy families,

you just name it!

Willona, they can't help it.

They're kleptomaniacs. Hmph.

Well, they been helpin'
themselves to plenty!

And they're called grabomaniacs!

Like the one who stole
your coat today, Michael.

Oh, Gramps, honey, that's cold.

Yeah, I was too!

Hey, now listen. I know
you're not gonna believe me,

but the department
store I work in...

We have our own live-in
shoplifter. Willona...

Yes, I'm tellin' you the truth.
His name is Lenny the Looter.

And every Christmas,

Lenny sends all the
employees Christmas cards

he ripped off during
Thanksgiving! Ain't that gold.

Willona, how much
of a bonus did you get?

Honey, 50 dollars!

MICHAEL: Whoa! Fifty dollars.

And that ain't all.

Mr. Rogers, head of Security,

offered me a job
as a store detective.

Oh, boy!

Willona, the fuzz!

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

You didn't accept
it, Willona, did you?

Ah, no, but I sure thought
about it a long time.

It would mean a big raise.
I sure could use the money.

I don't see anything wrong
with protecting the merchandise.

Honey, I'm all for that.

But they wanted me to
sit behind a two-way mirror

in the dressing room
and do a little observing.

What kind of observing, Willona?

Well, sit there and watch
people tryin' on clothes and...

Couldn't see me now.

And make sure they don't
rip nothin' off from the store.

Willona, that's an
invasion of privacy.

Yeah, they call it protection,
but I call it dirty pool.

[CHUCKLES]

That is why I told them there
are two things Willona don't do.

I don't do windows
and, honey, I don't spy.

Don't spy. No, I don't spy.

Right on, Willona!

If some stranger would be
lookin' at me get undressed,

they better have a good reason!

And a strong stomach!

J.J., we gotta get together,
and see what we can do

about gettin' Gramps a
coat. Now, I got that $50...

That's all right. We don't
need your money. It's okay.

Hold it, honey. Now, listen.

They ain't no way in this world
I'm gonna let Gramps go out

in this cold weather
without a winter coat.

Willona, we... We just
can't take your money.

I mean, if it means
working at another job and...

24 hours a day, I...

I guess Thelma and Michael
just gonna have to do it.

I have some money in my
piggy bank you can have.

Money in your piggy bank?
Money in her piggy bank!

You hear that, Thelma?

[LAUGHS]

How much you got?!

Aw, that was sweet,
baby. Come on.

Uh, J.J., would you mind
goin' down to the store for me?

I'm gonna make a
special spaghetti tonight,

and I forgot one
thing... the spaghetti!

Look here, Thelma.

That's like asking a condemned
man to go get his own rope.

Um, Mike would you go for me?

Naw, I'm goin' up to Cindy
Thompson's apartment.

Oh, come on! You're goin' up...

You're goin' up there again?

Just keeping warm, Thelma.

Just keeping warm.

Thelma, go. I'll put the
water for the spaghetti.

Okay, thank you,
Willona! Okey-dokey.

Don't forget to take the
meat balls out the refrigerator.

In the refrigerator?

The child got the meat
balls in the freezer.

And they say I can't cook.

Willona. Huh.

How come Michael has to
go up to Cindy's to keep warm?

Uh... 'Cause you'll find
out when you get older.

Oh, then it has something
to do with sex, huh?

Now, why would you say that?

Well, anything I have to
wait to find out until I'm older

either has to do with
the world situation or sex.

And knowing Cindy Thompson,

I don't think it's
the world situation.

Whoo! Ho-ho. You get
over there and set that table.

Penny, I'm so proud of you
winnin' that skatin' trophy.

I wish I was there to see you.

I bet you were terrific.

Terrific? Uh-huh.

I was... Dy-no-mite!

Whoo! All right!

Mr. Davis said he wouldn't
be surprised if they picked me

for the Olympics some day.

Olympics! Are you serious?

Mr. Davis said what I
need now is to take lessons

from another coach, a top pro,

one who's trained other
Olympic champions.

Nothin' but the
best for my Penny!

Honey, we'll get you one.

Mr. Davis said these
lessons would cost money.

Mm-hm. A half-hour
lesson is about $10,

and I'll need two a week.

Two a week. Uh-huh.

Whew... You did say two a week?

Right.

Well, ah, that's not too bad.
That's only...$80 a month.

And Mr. Davis said...

Darlin', never mind what
Mr. Davis said, honey.

Hey, listen. How do
you really feel about it?

I love to skate.

I wish I could spend
half of the day on ice

and the other half with you.

But we can't afford it, can we?

Not on the money I make, honey.

But you sure love that
ice skatin', don't you?

More than anything, Mama.

What'd you say?

More than anything.

I mean that last word.

Mama?

Mama.

That sounds so good, I
had to hear you say it twice.

Now, you know what you do...

You tell Mr. Davis
that your mama said

he can arrange
for those lessons.

But we can't afford it, can we?

Hey, don't you
worry about nothin'.

Just take this gold cup here,

and go home and put
it on our trophy shelf.

What trophy shelf?

The one we starti" right now!

Okay. Heh-heh.

[DIALING]

Mr. Rogers in Security, please.

Willona Woods.

About that job you offered me...

You know, the one
observing that I turned down?

Well, I changed my mind, honey.

I now do windows, and
peep through 'em too!

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, okay.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Heh. Welcome aboard, Woods.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Rogers.

Uh, tell me, Woods, what
prompted you to change your mind

and join us here on
the Security team?

Well, uh, being a woman, I said,

"Willona, that job is
definitely not for you."

Huh?

But being the mother of a child

who needs lessons
I can't afford, I said,

"Don't listen to that
woman. Honey, take the job."

You made a wise decision, Woods.

[SIGHS]

According to the dossier
I have on you here...

Y-you, uh... have a file on me?

On everyone.

Says here you're alert,
observant, loyal, trustworthy.

Hmm. Uh-huh.

And in the employee" restroom...

When I wash my hands...

I never use two paper
towels when one will do.

[LAUGHS]

You can put that
in your dossier!

It's already in there.

Now, I think you'll
be wanting to know

a little bit more about
the job that you'll be doing:

preventing inventory shrinkage.

I beg your pardon?

Shoplifting. Oh!

Gotta be on your toes,
Woods. On your toes!

You see, there's no
outstanding characteristic

that identifies a shoplifter.

No. Hm-hm. Oh, no!

They come in all
different shapes and sizes.

Like Lootin' Lenny.

Lootin' Lenny...

You get a Christmas card too?

Every year.

I wouldn't want this
to get around, Woods,

but in a strange sort
of way, I... I like Lenny.

He's loyal.

Gives us all his business.

Uh, Johnson, will you
step in here, please?

Johnson'll be your supervisor.

You just report right to her.

Johnson, meet Woods.

Newest member
of our Security team.

Woods, Johnson. How are you?

I want you to show
her all the ropes.

Certainly. If you'll
come with me...

Hold it, Woods...
Don't forget our motto.

WILLONA: Motto?

Yeah. "When they
snatch 'em, we catch 'em!"

Ha-ha!

J.J., what are you doin' home?

I'm on my lunch
break. Where's Miguel?

He's in the bedroom.

Well, check this out.

Oh... J.J., you
got Michael a coat!

How'd you do it?

Well, I calculated in my head

what I couldn't
calculate on my watch.

And I came up to the conclusion

that my little brother
was more important

than the correct time.

So I took the watch
back and got him the coat.

Oh, J.J., I'm so proud of you!

Thelma, my lunch ready yet, gal?

Not yet.

Mr. Miguel!

Wha...? Ha-ha!

Guess what J.J. did for you.

Hey, J.J... Man, you
took back your watch!

I appreciate it, man.

You know, you're the
best big brother there is!

I'm makin' a sandwich for me
and Michael. You want one?

Thelma, just a minute
ago, I was a hero.

Now, you're tryin' to bury me
next to the Unknown Soldier.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'll get it.

S'up, Bookman.

Hey. I just want
you folks to know

if you hear any
suspicious noises

coming from Miss Woods'
apartment, it's only me.

What kind of noises?

I'm fixin' her shower.

That's suspicious, all right.

Hey, I resent that.

For one thing, I'm a very
conscientious worker.

Number two, Nathan Bookman
takes very good care of his tenants.

And besides, Miss
Woods slipped me 5.

Willona's been goin' crazy,
since she got that bonus.

I don't know nothin'
about a bonus. She told me

she had a new job. What new job?

Oh, Willona must have taken
that position with Security!

You mean, watchi" women undress?

That's awful! That's terrible!

But if she ever miss a day,

I'll be glad to take her place.

Hey, what's this about
watching women get undressed?

I wonder why Willona did it.

She was so
against it last night.

Yeah. Well, you know, I talked
to my political science teacher,

and he thinks it's a violation
of the Fourth Amendment,

the right for the people to be
secure in their own persons.

Yeah, but what about
watching women get undressed?

Will you calm down?

Anyway, you know some security
guards are not even policemen?

They can arrest you without
even readin' you your rights.

And some of them can hold
you for as long as they want

before they call the cops.

Yeah, but I wanna know about
watchin' women get undressed!

Shame on you!

Now, unless you fix that
shower and get on out of here,

I'm goin' to tell Mrs.
Buffalo Butt on you.

I wonder why
Willona took that job.

Yeah, she probably
really needed the money.

And I know why!

You know, Willona knows
I don't have a winter coat.

Oh, yeah, Michael!

You know how she
feels about you. Yeah.

I guess one of us ought
to go down to the store

and tell her she
doesn't have to do it.

Well, I can't do that 'cause I
have an exam this afternoon.

Yeah, J.J., and I got
a basketball game.

Well, I don't like the way
this election was rigged, but...

I'll do it myself... at
great personal sacrifice.

I won't eat Thelma's lunch!

Woods!

What are you doing?

I'm just checkin'.
She... She can't see us.

Heh! Now, if you observe
anybody sticking an extra bra

in their bra or in any way
confiscating merchandise

you are to call me
immediately on that hot line.

Yeah.

Heh!

Honey, you ain't gonna
make it, even with a shoe horn.

No sense pulling it in front,

it's just gonna
come out the back.

Well, I have to leave you now.

Good luck, Woods. Yeah.

Damn!

Sorry, young man,
but you can't see her.

Miss Woods is on assignment.

She won't be available
for... oh, about an hour.

An hour!

But I'm on my lunch break!

I gotta be back to work by then!

I'm sorry, lad, but you
don't seem to understand.

Rules are rules! I
run a tight ship here!

So did the captain
of the Titanic.

Say, blood, what
you think you doin'?

What?

Look, man, find
yourself another store.

This is my domain!

Who are you?

I'm Lootin' Lenny!

And when you buy from Lenny
You save yourself a good penny!

For the last-minute gift

Be it wedding,
graduation Or bar mitzvah

Lenny won't let you
wear it Unless it fits ya!

And no extra charge
for the gift wrappin'.

Uh, look here, bro. I'm
a little busy right now.

You got a business card?

Look here, blood. I
don't have any just now.

But I'll be passin'
the stationery store

on my afternoon run.

I'll send you one.

You called me?
What is it, Woods?

Miss Johnson, I've been
sitting here for three hours

watching people dress
and undress, and...

I don't think I can hack it!

Just first-day jitters, Woods.

We all go through it.

Couple of days, it
won't even bother you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

[SNICKERS]

Why don't you break and
get a breath of fresh air.

Fresh air, that's
just what I need!

It's me!

You don't have
to do this anymore.

Michael's already got a coat!

It's me!

It's J.J.!

Check it out!

You don't have to do
this! Come on out of there!

Everything's fine!

Who are you?

Uh... Don't you recognize me?

I'm Pam Grier.

Ooh.

Whoo! Huh, am I glad
you weren't here, Woods.

What happened?

Some pervert dressed in
women's clothing was banging

on the mirror and yelling
all kinds of weird things.

Hmm, in a place like this,
that doesn't surprise me.

Ha. How was the fresh air?

Well, it cleared my
head, got me to thinkin'.

I got to thinkin'
about all the people

that were paradin'
in front of me.

What do you mean?

Like the college student
that came in this mornin'

to try on a skirt and
had on torn underwear.

She probably dressed in a
hurry. Thought that was her secret.

Now, what right did
I have to watch her?

It is the store policy...

And then there was a nun
that came here to try on a slip.

Now, what she
had under her habit

was a private affair
between her and God!

Don't you think you're
getting a little carried away?

Well, not far enough.

How about the skinny
lady with the falsies?

Now, if her hairdresser doesn't
know for sure, why should I?

Woods, your job is
to catch shoplifters!

That is just the point
I'm tryin' to make!

Not one of those
ladies were shoplifters!

And neither am I.

Now, I put myself on the
other side of that mirror.

I don't have on underwear
that's torn, and I don't wear falsies.

And if I did, that
would be my business.

Now, when I go home to
undress, I pull down the shade.

'Cause I don't want
nobody watchin' me there.

And I don't want
nobody watchin' me here!

Woods...

Now, Woods, now,
listen... Johnson...

How would you like it if
somebody was watchin' you?

Woods, I am going to pretend
that I did not hear any of that.

Now, you sit down there

and you do the job that
you are being paid for!

[DOOR SLAMS]

This is the pits!

But turnin' away ain't gonna
solve nothin'. Ain't gonna...

Hey, hey, hey!

That's shopliftin'.

Miss Johns... Mr. Na...

Hey! Hey, you're the one

that makes it rough
on everybody else!

Hey, fool!

You want to end up in jail!

Put them blouses down,
and get out of here like a...

Girl, you better hurry
up and get out of here!

How's it goin', Woods?

Great.

Why did you let that woman go?

What woman?

The woman that was
tryin' to steal the blouses.

Wait... You mean,
you were watchin' me?

On the closed-circuit TV.

Ain't that a blip.

The watcher's bein' watched.

Can't trust anybody, as
you just demonstrated.

Why did you let her go?

Let's say I just
couldn't help myself.

Because, you see, this
spy business makes me sick.

I don't get it, Woods.

I understand you took this job
because you needed extra money

for lessons for
your little girl.

You realize what you've
done means you're fired.

I realize my daughter's
lessons will have to wait.

'Cause I couldn't look at
myself in a one-way mirror.

And what I did, honey...

You can't fire
me, 'cause I quit!

Huh! I knew you
weren't Security material.

All right, now, ladies.

Mr. Rogers! This is a
ladies' dressing room!

Oh, my goodness...

Mr. Rogers, I'm sorry,
but I had to fire Woods.

I do the hiring and firing
around here, Johnson.

You asked me to
keep an eye on her.

Yeah, well, I've been
keeping my eye on you.

And I think I'm beginning
to get some idea

why we can't keep any
people in Security anymore.

You had me under
observation, Mr. Rogers?

Oh... How do you like that!

The watchers of the watchers
are bein' watched. Ha-ha!

Ahem. Why don't you
ladies step into my office

and we'll talk this out.

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: This is the
vice president of Personnel speaking.

Will all you people
please come to my office.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

ANNOUNCER: Good Times was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good times ♪