Good Times (1974–1979): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Family Gun - full transcript

♪ Good times Any time
you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times Any
time you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times Any time
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit
rip-offs Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and
survivin' Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow
line Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em? ♪



♪ Good times ♪♪

Hey, Daddy, you can fix
just about anything, huh?

Well, I don't want to
brag, son, but yeah.

J.J., what you painting?

I'm painting that
fine-looking lady

who just moved across the way.

See?

You must be desperate,

painting someone
in another apartment.

Well, I gotta get my
models somewhere.

I just wish she
would hold still.

Why can't she be
like Whistler's mother

and just sit in the chair?

J.J., you're crazy.



Oh, why's she...
Just hold still, baby.

Just... take it easy.

No, no, no, just take
it e... Calm down.

Ta... Ah... Yeah,
good. She's still.

She's making a telephone call.

Good.

I'll handle it.

Hello.

What you mean, what I'm doing?

I'm immortalizing you on canvas.

Well, if you feel that way
about it, pull down the shades.

She did.

That'll teach you
to stick your nose

into other people's windows.

Hey, J.J., why don't you
paint a picture of Thelma?

Mm. I'd rather paint the shade.

The way you paint,

you need to pull a shade
over those paintings.

Excuse me, Daddy. Mm-hm.

Excuse me, Michael.

Sounds like Willona.

Yeah. Get the door, Junior.

I am now getting the door.

Woo-wee.

Good morning, one and all,
in the Evans house of locks,

where security is tighter
than a vault in Fort Knox.

Yeah, but it ain't tight enough.

Nowadays, they're
even stealing the locks.

Yeah, it's rough out there.

The Tidy Bowl man
traded in his rowboat

for a battleship.

Oh, go on.

Hey, James, you're still
trying to fix that old lamp, huh?

Yeah.

Hi, Willona. Hi.

Are you ready to go
down to the laundry room?

I think so. All right...

Let's see if we got everything.

Detergent. Detergent.

Bleach. Bleach.

Police whistle. Police whistle.

What's the use?

You whistle and the
police don't come.

Maybe they don't
have no laundry to do.

Ma, why don't you take J.J. down

and put him in the
washing machine?

His head is always going
around in circles anyway.

Well, the ghoul of
the ghetto has spoken.

J.J.

You know, Ma, instead of taking
them police whistles down there,

y'all should take a
picture of Thelma.

That would definitely
scare away the mugger.

You should talk.

You ought to donate
that face to medicine

so they can find a cure for it.

Your face is...

All right, now, that's enough.

Baby, you want me to
go down there with you?

I'm a combat veteran, you know.

But come to think of it,

Korea wasn't half as dangerous

as that laundry room.

Oh, that's all right, James.

Cora Washington's
coming with us,

and she carries a
Louisville Slugger

and swings it harder
than Hank Aaron.

I'm done.

Are you ready to go into battle?

Ready.

My only regret is that I
have but one life to give

for my pantyhose.

Oh...

All those locks on the
door, and not being able

to go down to the laundry
room without protection...

this is no way to live.

Maybe we should move to one
of those fancy security buildings

on Lakeshore Drive.

No, they'd never take us.

We ain't got no French
poodle for the doorman to walk.

Hey, I know. We
could put a leash on J.J.

Daddy, I think there'd be

a lot less crime around here

if we had more black cops.

Well, don't bet on it.

If you're a crook in
this neighborhood,

old age'll get you
before the cops will.

Yeah, look what happened

when Mama got her
purse snatched last week.

We called the police
right after it happened,

and they haven't shown up yet.

Well, I still think

the answer is more black cops.

No, no, Michael, the answer
is the manly art of self-defense.

Karate.

Ha!

Ha!

As you can see, my entire
body is a deadly weapon.

Yeah, looks just like a spear,

only your hat's
covering the point.

I just don't believe it.

I can't either.

Y'all sure got back fast.

Yeah, we sure are,
and we bring with us

some good news
and some bad news.

The good news is
we didn't get mugged.

The bad news

is somebody ripped off
the washers and dryers.

Yeah, the dudes around here

would steal the shine
off of Kojak's head.

James, I have just about had it

with all the muggings,
the assaults,

stealing everything
that ain't nailed down.

It's just more than
one human being

should have to put up with.

Oh, now, calm down, baby.

Things are going to get better.

I don't see how,

when your Avon lady is selling
brass knuckles and tire chains.

And all of them
locks on the door.

Quiet as it's kept,

they ain't going
to keep nobody out

if they really want to get in.

Look, baby, don't worry
about that no more,

because anybody breaks in
here, they going to get broke.

Because I got a bopper, a
popper, a real crime stopper.

James, a gun?

That's right, a gun.

And the line for crime
is drawn at that door.

Anybody that doubts it,

I'm going to make a
believer out of them real fast.

Daddy, where'd you get it?

Getting a gun in
the ghetto is easy.

All you got to do

is look in the yellow
pages under "violence."

Anybody can get a gun anywhere.

Inside Chicago, outside
Chicago, it don't matter.

Daddy, do you have a
permit to own that gun?

Yeah, I got a permit.

I permit me to own a gun.

Hey, ain't that one of those
Saturday night specials?

Mm-hmm.

I hear they go off

if you even breathe
on them hard.

Oh, James, I'm afraid of guns.

Oh, Fl...

They're dangerous to
have around the house.

Florida, ain't nothing
to worry about.

Ain't nobody going to
touch the gun but me. Oh!

Good decision,
Dad. Good decision.

But suppose you're not
here, and I must protect

the more defenseless
members of the family

against some lawless intruder.

Can I get a rod and waste him?

Junior, if trouble breaks out

and I ain't here, you
do what you do best.

Yell for help,
hide in the corner

and shake till I get here.

I don't want nobody
touching this gun. Nobody.

Is that clear?

Honey, I'm sorry, but...

I just can't relax with
a gun in the house.

Florida, the way them
streets are nowadays,

we can't make it without a gun.

Yeah, Ma, Dad owning that gun

is the same as you
owning that whistle.

You got your style of
blowing the dude away,

and Dad's got his.

James, James... Huh?

If somebody did
break into the house,

would you actually
use that gun on them?

Is fat meat greasy?

Gee, Thelma, this
is the best breakfast

you ever made
in your whole life.

All I did was pour
some cereal out of a box.

I didn't do nothing else.

That's why it's
the best breakfast

you ever made
in your whole life.

Get out of here.

J.J., you want some milk?

No, thanks, Thelma.

Not without your makeup on,

because with your face
you'll probably curdle it.

Look, do you want
some breakfast or not?

Now, don't be fixing
me no breakfast.

My stomach don't have no
food poisoning insurance.

That's right, because
after you collected

on that accident
you call a body,

they canceled the policy.

Well, maybe I should use
your insurance company,

Ugly of Omaha.

All right, you two.
That's enough.

Now, I don't feel like listening
to that stuff this morning.

I already got Sorry,
Ma. a headache.

Thelma, get a
dollar out of my bag,

go down to the drugstore,
and get me some aspirins.

All right, Ma.

J.J., you go wash up.

Oh, Ma, why I got to wash up?

Why can't I be like Thelma
and just spray on some cologne?

You're just jealous

because the only spray
they make for you is Raid.

Hey! Ma!

Thelma, will you get going!

I'm going, Ma.

Hey, look at this.
Will you check this...?

Hey, good morning, Dad.

Go wash.

Good morning.

You didn't sleep too
good last night, did you?

What would make you say that?

Two elbows to the
jaw, a knee to the ribs,

and a left hook to the chops.

Well, I was a little restless,

but I didn't mean
to keep you awake.

You didn't.

That last elbow put
me out like a light.

James, you know,

I really couldn't
sleep good last night.

Just thinking of having a
gun in the house scares me.

Well, then, quit
thinking about it.

How can I quit thinking
about it when it's still here?

Anybody in this house
could get ahold of that thing.

Oh, now, Florida, I told you,

ain't nobody going to
touch the gun but me.

I'm going outside and
practice some shooting.

Oh, my God!

Baby, he's talking
about basketball.

Later.

You see how nervous
I'm getting about that gun?

Baby, you making a
big deal out of nothing.

Nothing?

Did you read that
article in The Defender?

It says that in
the United States

someone was shot
every minute with a gun.

That dude must be
awful full of holes by now.

James, that ain't nothing
to be making no joke of.

When people keep guns
in the house for protection,

80% of the victims are
husbands, wives, relatives,

and good friends,

and it's far worse with
blacks than with whites.

Which means we ain't going to
have to worry about tomorrow,

because we are
killing it off today.

Now, Florida, guns
don't kill people.

People kill people.

With guns.

And it ain't going to stop

till some of these politicians

get the guts to outlaw them.

Well, they ain't
going to outlaw guns,

because the bad guys will
always find a way to get them.

Well, maybe,

but there wouldn't be
so many good guys dead

if it wasn't for other
good guys' guns.

You know something,
baby? One of these days,

you going to thank
me for getting that gun.

Maybe, but it ain't
going to be no time soon.

Yes?

Miss Evans? Yes.

I'm Patrolman Wigmore,
and I'd like to talk to you

about some stolen property.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

My mother didn't steal anything.

You apologize
to this lovely lady.

Don't say a word,
Ma, till we get a lawyer.

Get lost, Junior.

Ma'am, what I want
to ask you about

is property that you
reported stolen last week.

Oh, yes, yes, come in.

Thank you.

Come in, please.

Thank you.

Uh, in our preliminary report

it says a man stole a
bicycle from a Mrs. Evans.

It wasn't a bicycle,
Columbo. It was a purse.

Oh, yes, a purse from
a Miss Georgia Evans.

And it's not Georgia,
Barnaby Jones.

It's Florida.

Now, the man who
committed this crime,

can you tell me
anything about him at all?

Yes.

He runs fast.

Tell me something, officer.

How come you didn't
come around here

when we first
reported this thing?

Well, Mr. Bevens...
That's Evans.

Uh, Evans.

Crimes are being
committed here so fast,

we can hardly handle them,

but, uh, we're making sure

that law enforcement is the
same here in Chocolate City

as it is out in the
vanilla suburbs.

Yeah, but in the
vanilla suburbs,

the cops come in two scoops,
whipped cream, and a cherry.

All we get here
is sprinkled nuts.

Ma, Dad!

Thelma!

Baby girl, what
happened? Oh, my God.

On my way home from the store,
a man grabbed me, and he tried...

Baby, are you hurt?

Please, officer, do something.

Yeah, don't just
stand there, man.

Do something. Now,
come on. Do something!

All right, already.

We're going to check it out.

Just be calm.

What do you mean, calm down?

You heard what happened.
What did he look like?

Daddy, I don't know.

I started kicking and scratching
and screaming, and he ran off.

Don't you worry, sweetheart,

those policemen
are going to find him.

Yeah, man, you
better get on the case.

Otherwise, I have
to go out there

and look for the dude,

and no telling what's
going to happen

once I get into action,
because he's in trouble, Jack.

Miss, can you give
us a description at all?

I don't know.

It happened so quick.

All I remember

is that he was wearing
a leather jacket.

All right, now, you
got a description.

Get moving.

Evans, a man
wearing a leather jacket

ain't no description.

He's gone.

Your daughter says she's okay.

So, uh... What do
you mean, "So, uh"?

Can't you see she's
hysterical? She was attacked.

That's a hell of a lot
more than "So, uh,"

so get moving, man.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

We're gonna check it out,

and, by the way, Miss Evans, uh,

if we happened to
come up with anything

on your stolen
bicycle, I'll let you know.

The fuzz.

I'm telling y'all, nowadays

you can't count on
nobody but yourself.

That's the truth.

James.

James, what you doing?

We going to check
it out. Fat chance.

No, I ain't letting no dude
get away with putting his hands

on my daughter. James,
now, wait a minute.

But, Daddy, I'm all right.

How do you know?
You're hysterical.

James, please, no!

All right, Florida, where is it?

Where is what?

You know what.
The gun. It's gone.

I knew something
like this would happen.

I just knew it.

Now, Florida, I don't want to
hear a whole bunch of them

I-told-you-so's.

Where's the gun?

James, I didn't take that gun.

Well, if you didn't, who did?

Who did?

James, I don't know
who took that gun,

but you better believe I didn't.

Florida, how do you
expect me to believe that

when you the one said you
wanted me to get rid of it,

and you couldn't sleep
with it in the house?

And I am also the one
who is so afraid of a gun

that if I laid one
finger on a gun,

I'd turn white as a sheet.

And if that don't prove
Ma's innocent, nothing will.

James, I never wanted
a gun in the house,

but, believe me,
I didn't take it.

Well, the gun didn't just jump

out of the box by itself.

Now, somebody in here moved it.

Well, don't look at me, y'all.

Guns are made for killing.

I ain't no killer.

See, I'm a lover.

See, to me, a
Saturday night special

is getting a chick to say yes

after she said no six
other nights of the week.

Thelma?

I didn't bother that
gun, Daddy, honest.

Please, James, she's been
through enough for one day.

I'm sorry, baby girl.

Florida, are you
trying to prove a point?

No, James.

Now look, baby, you
ain't never lied to me

all the years we've
been married.

Now, don't start now. Did
you have anything at all

to do with the gun disappearing?

James, I haven't seen that gun

since you showed
it to me yesterday.

Well, the gun didn't
just jump out of the box.

It got to be around
here somewhere.

Maybe you didn't put the gun
in that box like you thought.

Maybe you put it someplace else.

How can I put it someplace
else when I put it in this box?

But it still won't hurt to
look around for it, James.

All right, we'll look.

We'll look for it.

And we'll look
very, very carefully.

Good.

Yeah, all right.

Daddy!

James, please!

James!

I ain't looking for no Good
Housekeeping Award!

I'm trying to find a loaded gun.

Well, do you have to
look for it like a bulldozer?

It don't matter how I look
for it, as long as I find it.

Don't look like I'll
find it in this room.

Well, maybe it's in some
other part of the house.

Thelma,

go search the bathroom,
and I mean search it good.

Don't worry, Dad, I
got eyes like an eagle.

And a face like a beagle.

Junior, you go
search in the kitchen.

I'm checking, Dad, I'm checking.

Come on, Florida, let's
look in the bedroom.

Oh, James.

Oh.

James, please.

Oh, James, please stop it.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Now, Florida, I can't
be looking for no gun

if you going to stand there

playing "this is the
way we fold our clothes."

Go look in the closet.

All right, James.

That ain't no way
to look for nothing.

James, I'm just as worried
about that gun as you are,

in fact, more worried.

Ah, damn it.

It ain't in here either.

Let's see if the kids found it.

Oh, James, don't be ridiculous.

Any luck, Thelma?

No, Daddy, it wasn't
in the bathroom.

How about you, Junior?

I didn't find the gun, Dad,

but I did find this
Tootsie Roll pop.

What now, James? I
don't know what now.

All I know is, I put
that gun in this box

and put this box in that closet.

Well, then, maybe a moth ate it.

Wouldn't be too hard to find.

All you have to do is look
for a pregnant-looking moth.

James, maybe you hid that gun

real good someplace
and just forgot where.

Oh, Florida, I
don't forget things.

Hey, Flo...

Where did you get
your new layout from,

Better Homes and Garbage?

You can thank my
interior decorator here.

The Black Tornado.

Well, I ain't going to
hardly get into that mess.

I just came by to see
if you heard the news.

Yeah, we heard
the news, Willona.

Now, go home. James.

I ain't in the mood to hear none
of that Mickey Mouse gossip.

This ain't no Mickey
Mouse gossip, grumpy.

A five-year-old
kid on the third floor

accidentally shot
himself this morning.

Oh, my God. What?

It was like you read in
the papers all the time.

A child plays with a
gun and it went off.

And from what I hear,

nobody knows where
the gun came from.

Well, somebody must
know where it came from.

It must belong to somebody.

Somebody must
have stole it or... lost it.

No. It... It can't be.

Can't be.

What kind of gun
was it, Willona?

I think they said a .32.

Oh, thank the Lord, James.

It wasn't one of them
Saturday night things.

Florida, my gun was a .32.

James, no.

Now, wait a minute, baby.

Don't you start
thinking nothing like that.

There are a million
guns in this country.

Who's to say that
that gun was yours?

Florida, a man
knows what he knows.

Oh, James, it still
don't have to be yours.

Will somebody please tell me
what's going on around here?

Daddy's gun is missing,
and we can't find it.

Oh, God.

Willona, uh, this
kid that got shot,

was he...? Is he...?

James, James, hey, I
don't know how serious it is,

but I'll go see if I
can find out, okay?

Thanks, Willona.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Come on, James.

Now, don't start
persecuting yourself like this.

You didn't have
nothing to do with it.

I as good as pulled the trigger.

Come on, Dad,
it's not your fault.

I mean, probably
somebody snuck in here

while we were
sleeping last night

and ripped us off for the gun.

Junior, you think that
makes me feel any better?

A kid wouldn't be hurting now
if I hadn't had a gun to steal.

It was supposed
to be for protection,

but who in God's
name did it protect?

Hey, what's going on here?

Y'all fixing to move
without telling me?

Please, Michael, we ain't
in no mood for no joking.

A little boy in this building

accidentally shot
himself this morning.

I know, but his brother told
me he's doing pretty good.

He is? Yeah.

Thank God.

What's going on?

Your father's gun
is missing, Michael.

We think that somebody
stole it last night,

and somehow it wound up
with the kid who was shot.

The gun that shot
him wasn't Daddy's.

Oh, it was mine,

and don't tell me no different.

But, Daddy, it wasn't your gun.

Last night I started
wondering what would happen

if you really ever
lost your temper?

Mm. So I took it.

Michael, you took...?!

Yeah, I took it, and I hid it.

You hid it? Where?

In the bottom of that lamp
you were fixing yesterday.

Here it is.

Yeah, that's it, all right.

I recognize that any place.

Looks just like me. Slim,
black, and... dyn-o-mite!

Oh, Michael, I could kiss you.

Please, Thelma,
don't get carried away.

Aw.

I never thought having
a gun in the house

could make me feel so good.

Now, get rid of it.

No, baby, we still
need it for protection.

I'm glad for what
you did, Michael,

but I'm going to still
have to punish you,

because I told y'all I didn't
want nobody touching this gun,

and you did. I'm sorry, Daddy,

but I just didn't want
to see you do anything

that might have
gotten you into trouble.

He's right, James.

But, Michael, that gun is no toy

for you to play with.

Mama, I'm no dummy.

I had enough sense
to take the bullets out

before I hid it.

See?

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watching the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

Good Times is recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em? ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪