Good Times (1974–1979): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Houseguest - full transcript

A childhood friend of James comes to the house to visit, claiming to be a successful businessman.

♪ Good times Any time
you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times Any
time you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times Any time
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit
rip-offs Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and
survivin' Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow
line Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪



♪ Good times ♪♪

J.J., must you gulp your food?

I can't help it, Ma,

it's been so long since
my stomach's tasted ham,

it just keeps
saying to my mouth,

"Don't bother chewing,
just send it down!"

Mama, can you cut me
three more slices of ham?

Three more slices?

Yeah, I want to
make a sandwich...

One slice of ham
between two slices of ham.

Well, you can have one
more slice of ham, how's that?

Thanks, Daddy.

I feel sorry for rich people,

you have to poor to
appreciate a meal like this.



I'm glad you all
are enjoying it,

because there's plenty of it.

And for the rest of the week
you're going to be ham happy.

You're going to have ham hash,
ham loaf, ham stew and ham soup.

And just so you won't forget
it, I'm going to bronze the bone.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it Michael,
you stay and eat that ham

you wanted so bad
and clean that plate too.

Yeah?

James Evans.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, don't you recognize me?

No, can't say that I do.

Cartersville, Mississippi.

Well, maybe this'll help you.

Quack, quack, quack.

Duckfoot Harris!

I think they
recognize each other,

they're starting to dance.

Baby, this is Duckfoot...

I mean this is Ernie Harris,
Emma and Fred Harris's son.

Very pleased to
meet you, Mrs. Evans.

It's my pleasure to meet you.

James has told me so much
about you and your folks.

Ernie, these are my kids.

That's my daughter Thelma.

She's beautiful.

Yeah, and my
youngest son, Michael.

Oh, he's a handsome lad.

And the one there with the
ham is my oldest boy, Junior.

As you can see I'm the one

who got the beauty
in the family rolling.

Come over here and
sit down, let's talk.

I see you didn't waste no
time getting off the blocks, huh?

No.

Come on, help
me clear the table.

Okay, Ma.

So tell me, man, what
brings you to Chicago?

Well, I'm just passing
through on business,

but I had to stop by and
say hello to my old partner.

I sure am glad you did, man.

Well, how long has it been now?

I don't know, what
is it, 30 years since

we were kids together, Patches.

Patches, boy you
got some memory.

Baby, in case you're wondering
how I got the nickname Patches

when I was a kid, I was so poor

I always had to wear
patches on my pants.

I thought where
you lived all the kids

wore patches on their pants.

Yeah, but baby, I had
patches on my patches.

I never realized things
were that bad, Daddy.

Yeah, see, baby girl, my
folks were sharecroppers.

We did all the cropping
and the landlords

did all of the sharing.

Boy, it was evil times.

Big depression, a
lot of folks out of work,

folks waiting
in the relief line.

It's almost as bad as 1975.

You ain't wrong, baby.

I tell you, it hadn't have
been for Ernie's folks here

we never would have
made it through that year.

See they had a little grocery
store and they used to let us

have all the food
we needed on credit,

told them we could pay them
back whenever we got the money.

Things sure are different today.

When you go to the market now,

not only do they
not give you credit,

but if you don't grab
a can fast enough,

they stamp your hand
with a higher price.

You right on that, baby.

Well, Ernie, you sure
had some good folks.

I was sorry to hear that
they passed on, man.

Yeah, but they had a good life.

Look here, we sitting
here fat mouthing, man,

I bet you hungry.

Baby, why don't you cut
Ernie a piece of that ham.

Oh, sure, James.

I don't want to be
any bother now.

Oh, it's no bother at all.

Ernie, come on over here
and get you something to eat.

Well, if you say so.

There goes Hash Monday. J.J.!

Maybe he won't eat the
ham, maybe he's Jewish.

Michael, get Ernie a
can of beer, will you?

Sure, Daddy.

That was lucky, for a
minute there I thought

he was going to cut
into my Kool-Aid supply.

J.J., you're always
thinking of yourself.

Can you think of
a better person?

Here you go.

Thanks, Michael.

Here you are, Ernie.

Thank you.

Well Ernie, I guess you took
over your folks' store, huh?

Yeah, for a little while,

but a little old country
business like that

wasn't for me, I wanted to move
into something bigger, you know?

So, I sold it.

Well, from the
way you're dressed

I'd say you made the right move.

Oh, I love that ring,
Mr. Harris, it's beautiful.

Oh, do you now?

Well, I tell you
it's a rare opal,

birthstone of October.

October? It look like
the whole 12 months.

Yeah, Ernie, you
look just fine, man.

Now what kind of work
you doing now anyhow?

I'm in public relations.

What's public relations?

Well, that's when you
relate to the public, Michael.

Like when them big oil
companies raised their prices

and the public got angry,

so they had to spend a lot of
extra money on public relations

to smooth things over.

Where'd they get
the extra money?

They raised the prices again.

That's all part of the game.

See, I represent all kinds of
clients, companies, people...

It's my job to help
their image, you know?

How much would
you charge for J.J.?

You got some nerve!

I don't want to hear...!

Ernie, you're going to
have to forgive them,

this is just brotherly
and sisterly love.

Yeah. J.J.

Yeah. Thelma.

You got a wife now, kids?

No, no, I'm not
the marrying kind.

Besides, my business
keeps me traveling too much.

Oh?

Oh hey, say listen, I'm sorry,

I hate to eat and run, but
I got a busy day tomorrow,

I got a lot of
clients to check in

and I've got to
check into a hotel.

It's very nice meeting all
of you, and Florida, ooh,

that ham, oh, it was delicious.

Hey, look here Ernie, I
know you can afford to check

into any fancy
hotel in town, man,

but we'd sure appreciate
it if you'd stay with us,

wouldn't we baby?

Oh, you'd be more than welcome.

I wouldn't want to
put you to that trouble.

Trouble?

After what your folks
did for me and my family?

Wait a minute, man, I
want to show you something.

I bet you ain't never
seen these before.

When we got married
your folks gave them to me

and Florida as a wedding gift.

It's the only silver
we ever owned,

and we are so proud
of it that we only use it

for special occasions.

Yeah, like
Thanksgiving, Christmas

and O.J. Simpson's birthday.

Well, now you can see
how we feel about you

wanting to stay with us, Ernie.

Yeah, well I
appreciate it, brother,

but I'd be inconveniencing you.

Oh, it's no trouble at all.

Listen, one more sardine
ain't gonna bust the can.

That's right, now Florida
can move in with Thelma,

I can flop on the couch with the
boys and you can take our room.

That's right, no trouble at all.

Well, you see, I
am messing you up.

No you ain't, man. Yes, you are!

Did you say something, Junior?

What I said was,
"Welcome to our bed, Dad."

That's what I thought you said.

I thought you two would
never stop telling stories.

Well, it was a lot
to remember, baby.

Boy, that Ernie's
something else, ain't he?

I bet you his folks sure
would be proud of him

if they could see him now.

James, I just
thought of something.

You know this is the first
time since we were married

we won't be sleeping
together in the same bed?

Hey, you right.

Look here, I got an idea.

Why don't we take Ernie's bag
and check into a motel tonight?

Easy, lover boy, you
know what they say,

absence make the
heart grow fonder.

Yeah?

Well, I don't need no absence,
I'm feeling fine right now.

Well, I don't want you to
start me feeling fine too.

Goodnight, Ms. Evans.

Goodnight, Mr. Evans.

Lord help me make
it through the night.

Ernie, I thought
you'd gone to bed.

Oh, I wish I could, but I've
got to go out and meet a client.

This time of night?

Well, that's public
relations for you,

you know, you got to keep
working at it night and day.

Well, good night.

Hey Ernie? Yeah?

You better take this
key with you man,

since you gonna
be coming in late.

Thanks, man, I didn't
even think about that.

I'll see you all in the morning.

This is an awful strange
time to be doing business.

Well, you know, he's
a big executive, baby.

Them big executives don't
be punching no time clocks.

I bet you President Ford
and his Economic Commission

meet late at night all the time.

Yeah, that's so nobody
else hear them crying.

Good night, James.

Goodnight, baby.

Night.

Michael, what is
keeping your brother

in that bathroom so long?

He's looking in the mirror.

He hates to say
goodbye to himself.

Junior, bring your narrow butt
out here and come on to bed.

Well, Dad, look like
you all set for tonight,

because you're sharing
the sack with Kid Dyn-o-mite!

Junior, are you going to
ever go to bed just one time

without wearing that dumb hat?

Can't do it, Dad.

Just in case I go
sleepwalking one night

and meet some groovy chick,

I want something to tip to her.

Dad, do you mind moving over,

I'm used to sleeping
on the left hand side.

All right, over and under, son.

Hey, do I have to
sleep in the middle?

I'm liable to get
stabbed to death

with J.J.'s bony elbow.

I'll sleep in the middle.
Over and under, come on.

Hey now,

hold on now, now
this ain't gonna work.

I'm used to sleeping
next to Michael.

All right, Junior, shift.

All right.

Hey, wait a minute,
now I'm in the middle.

You gonna stay there too.

See, we running the
wishbone formation,

and tonight you the bone.

Hey, Dad, ain't you
gonna say your prayers?

Junior, if I had
said my prayers,

I swear you wouldn't
be here right now.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Goodnight, son.
Goodnight, Junior.

Goodnight, Dad.
Goodnight, Michael.

Goodnight, J.J.

Goodnight, John Boy.

All right now.

Now you go to sleep or
I'm gonna put you to sleep!

You act a fool sometime boy.

Get your elbow out of my back.

I don't want no more
horsing around in here.

I'm gonna say this one time

and I ain't gonna
say it no more,

I don't want to hear
another sound in here

except my own snoring.

Now good night.

Goodnight, Michael.
Goodnight, J.J.

Don't you all start
that mess again, hear?

I mean that.

Now who could that
be this time of night?

It's probably Ned the Wino,

got lost on the way
to his apartment.

Get up and see if
you can push him

in the right direction, Junior.

Excuse me!

You're excused.

Come on out here!

What the hell, don't nobody
hold my son except me!

Now get your hands off him!

Now what y'all want here?

We're looking for Ernie Harris.

What y'all want
with Ernie Harris.

Some friends of
ours in Cleveland

would like us to get
in touch with him.

You see, Ernie rolls cold dice.

He got into them
for five thou and split.

And we are sort of
a collection agency.

Uh, you all mind putting
away the collection plate?

We hear that Ernie might
be in this neighborhood.

Oh, no, man, Ernie
ain't been around here,

somebody must have
gave you all a bum steer.

Oh you don't have
to worry about Ernie,

he could pay you all back easy.

He's a big time
public relations man.

You ought to see
that ring he's got on...

Junior, shut up!

Man, why did you have to lie?

Well, fine thing, James,

you having this pajama party
and you didn't even invite me!

All right, man,
I'll level with you.

Now Ernie come by here earlier
today, he said hello, goodbye

and he went on his way.

And besides, what would he
want to hang around here for?

Yeah.

If that's your story, we
won't hassle you, man.

Look, if you happen
to see Ernie Harris,

you tell him if he don't
come up with the cash

the big public relations
man is gonna have

a nice private funeral.

Well, they didn't invite
you to the party either, huh?

Now what does that
tell you? Huh, huh?

Just when I was starting to
feel real good about Ernie too.

Damn, those were about
two evil looking dudes,

wasn't they, Junior?

Yeah, I tell you
Ernie ain't exactly

in the friendly
hands of Allstate.

When we go back in the house

don't you breathe a
word of this to nobody.

I don't want the family
getting upset about this mess.

You don't have to
worry about me, Dad.

I'm frightened
enough for everybody.

Come on.

Hey, Patches, what
are you still doing up?

I thought we might have us
a little talk this morning, Ernie.

Oh man, couldn't it wait?
It's almost 4:00 in the morning.

Oh you must have got
really wiped out, huh?

I see you done
even lost your ring.

How you managed to do that,

trying to make an
eight the hard way?

It was a six.

All right, all right,

so I was playing a little
friendly game of craps,

what's wrong with that?

Nothing, except that you had
two unfriendly callers tonight,

something about you leaving

a bookie in Cleveland
holding $5,000.

Oh that, that, well yeah,

you know I'll take care
of that, it's my problem.

Uh-uh. It's my
problem now, Ernie.

See, I've got a family,

I can't have no hoodlums
coming to my door.

You didn't just happen to
drop into the neighborhood,

you was looking to use
my place as a hideout.

Oh, come on, Patches now, man.

Listen, I had to hide out here.

Man, they were getting close.

And besides, our
family were friends.

Well, man, now you know I
love your mother and father, man,

but I can't have this.

Now you get yourself some rest

and you clear out of here
first thing in the morning.

Okay.

And I'll tell you something,

you better be
stepping fast, brother.

Them cats said if
they catch up with you,

you gonna be
polluting Lake Michigan.

They ain't gonna
kill me for no five Gs.

Ten yeah, but for five
they just break your arm.

Yeah, I know. This
one never did set right.

Lord, have mercy.

I'm gonna be going
shopping this morning,

I wonder what Ernie
would like for dinner.

Ernie ain't gonna be
staying for dinner, baby,

soon as he gets up he
gonna be leaving town.

I thought he was gonna
be here for a few days,

didn't you say...

Now, Florida, I spoke to
him late last night and he said

something came up
and he got to leave town.

Yeah, for his health.

His health?

He looks the picture
of health to me.

Yeah, but he don't want
no holes in the picture.

What are you
talking about, J.J.?

Oh nothing, he ain't
talking about nothing.

You know something, Junior,

your mouth starts working early,

but I swear your brain
don't start until 10:00.

Then it goes right back
to sleep a minute later.

You got some nerve going...!

All right, now that is enough!

I'm sick and tired of
these cat and dog fights!

James, why are you
so upset? What's wrong?

Nothing, baby, nothing.

Well, you sure make it
sound like something.

Look, Florida, quit barking
at me now, I said nothing!

Well, then you stop yelling!

Boy, do they get in bad moods

when they don't sleep together.

Now how would you like
some strap with that oatmeal?

Now everybody just quit talking

and let's have some quiet
and eat, stop all this yapping.

Morning everybody!

Speaking of yapping,
here come the head yapper.

Can't you two ever have a
pleasant hello for one another?

I'm willing.

Hello, James.

Hello, Willona.

Can I have the envelope,

I want to see which one of us
just won the Academy Award.

Would you like
some coffee, Willona?

No thanks, honey, I came
over to ask to borrow something.

That figures.

Willona, what is it
you want to borrow?

I'm giving a special
dinner party for my boss

and his wife tonight.

Oh.

And I want everything
to look just fine,

so could I borrow your silver
salt and pepper shakers?

Oh, sure.

Oh, Flo, that's wonderful.
It'll be the perfect touch.

I have a linen tablecloth
with matching napkins,

elegant candlesticks,
crystal cut glasses

and a bowl of
flowers for the center.

Oh, that sounds fancy!

What you serving?

Pizza.

Pizza?

Yeah, I thought it was
classier than chicken delight.

Well, serve them a
lot of wine beforehand

and then they'll like
anything you serve them.

Okay.

Willona, whatever you
do, guard this with your life.

Don't worry, honey.

Oh, and you don't need
to bother about polishing,

I already did that, see?

Oh, no. Florida!

What's the matter,
Ma? What is it?

They're gone!

What you mean they're gone?

They're not here James,
I don't understand.

I understand it,
we've been ripped off.

Could you have
misplaced them anywhere?

No, no, no, I always kept
them right here in this box.

Oh, baby, I feel
so sorry about this.

Look, I'll go down and see
if I can find a policeman.

This might be one
of their visiting days

in the neighborhood.

Oh, James, this is the only
valuable thing we ever owned.

Oh, Ma, don't feel
bad, maybe it'll turn up.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Well listen, I hate to
just run off like this,

but I gotta catch
an early plane.

You mean an early
pawnshop, don't you?

James, what are you saying?

Ernie, them silver salt
and pepper shakers

I showed you yesterday,

you didn't happen to find them
around here nowhere, did you?

No, no, of course not.

Well, I've got to get
moving, that plane.

No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, James...

James, what are you
doing? I know what I'm doing.

Come in here eating
my ham, sleep in my bed.

Oh, no!

Yeah, and then steal from me.

Yeah, baby, he was
gonna hock them.

A successful
businessman like you?

I don't understand that, Ernie.

Yeah? Well, baby, it seems
like our successful businessman

ain't nothing but a
gambler. Translation: loser.

Ernie, I knew you
were sick, man,

but I didn't think
you'd stoop to stealing.

Oh come on, man, I wasn't
stealing them, I was just,

uh, I was just borrowing them.

No, I could get at
least $10 for them.

Hey listen, I got a sure
thing running in the fourth

at Arlington, it's going to
pay at least eight to one.

I'll tell you what,
I'll take that money,

I'll put it on his nose,
and when it comes in,

I can parlay it. That way I
can get into that crap game!

Oh come on, man, I know
I can do it, I did it before!

Listen, you know
what I did one time?

I took $5 and
ran it into 20,000.

Yeah, how long it
take you to lose it back?

Half hour.

James is right, you are sick.

You don't have to gamble.

If you need a quick buck,
have you ever considered

going on Let's Make a Deal?

Honey, I don't know what
kind of trouble you're in,

but it seems to me
that it's no different

than being hooked
on alcohol or drugs.

Now you need help and
there are places that can do it

like... um, Gamblers Anonymous.

I don't need help, because I
don't have a gambling problem.

I'm as normal as any one of you.

Yeah, and would you
knock it off with this lecturing?

I mean I got enough
of that from my wife.

I thought you said
you weren't married?

Well, yeah, I got a wife and
two kids, and she took them

and left because she
didn't understand me either.

Ernie, that store you said
you sold, you didn't sell it,

you lost it
gambling, didn't you?

Oh, man, I just
had a bad streak,

that can happen to anybody.

Yeah, you're right.

I tell you what, you want them,

go ahead and take them.

James!

No, no, no, it's all
right, it's all right, baby.

Now you can see how
much they mean to us,

but if gambling means
that much to you, man,

go ahead and take them,
hock them, pawn them, bet them

on the ponies,
anything you want.

But you can be damn
sure of one thing,

if you do walk out of
here with them, you're sick!

I ain't sick.

No?

Then stroll on out the
door without them, Ernie.

Well, I'll get them back
to you, with interest.

Kids, I'm sorry you
all had to see that,

but then again maybe
it's a good thing you did.

Maybe you all learned
something about gambling from it.

I know I did.

Two to one I'll never
place a bet in my life.

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watching the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

Good Times is recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪