Good Times (1974–1979): Season 2, Episode 13 - Sometimes There's No Bottom in the Bottle - full transcript

♪ Good times Any time
you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times Any
time you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times Any time
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit
rip-offs Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and
survivin' Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow
line Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪



♪ Good times ♪♪

♪ Deck the halls
With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la La la la la ♪

♪ Kid Dy-no-mite
Is cute and jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la La la la la ♪

♪ I think J.J. Is
off his trolley ♪

♪ Fa la la la la La la la la ♪♪

Oh.

Here, Thelma.

Okay.

J.J, hang this on the
door for me, honey.

Okay, Ma, but we better
put this under lock and key.

Why?

Because the way things
disappear around here,



even Santa Claus
could be a rip-off artist.

What else is missing?

Just the main part of a
still life I was painting.

Two onions and two apples.

J.J., didn't you read my note?

I owe you two onions
and two apples.

Signed, The Mystery Mama.

Well, Mystery Mama, what
you wanna rip-off my models for?

For the turkey dressing.

And wait till you taste it.

Where's your cousin Naomi?

In the bathroom, as usual.

Yeah, she spends more time
in there than the Tidy Bowl man.

Now, look, children,

it's been three years
since your cousin Naomi,

your Uncle Oscar
and your Aunt Millie

have been down here to
see us from Fayetteville.

And, Thelma, honey,
I want you and Naomi

to try to get along better.

You're about the same age.
You should have a lot in common.

Ma, I try to be nice,
but she's strange.

What you mean?

I mean, like, she laughs
a lot at almost anything.

Thelma, what's wrong
with a good sense of humor?

Yeah, Ma, but she laughs
at the shower curtains.

Well, I don't care.

I think it's just wonderful
to have kin visiting us.

Naomi, is there anything
else you need, honey?

No, Aunt Florida, I'm just
fine. I'm soaking in the tub.

That's good.

There's some things about
Christmas I sure don't like.

Oh, what's wrong now, Michael?

You know that ugly Charlotte
McDaniel on the first floor?

Well, I was walking by, and
she opened the door and said,

"Michael, can I talk
to you for a minute?"

So I went over there, and
before I could do anything,

she pointed to the
mistletoe over the door

and kissed me right
dead on the mouth.

Yuck.

Well, Michael, you always
said you believed in black unity.

Here was a chance
for you to join in.

Mama, she had lipstick
on, and I hate lipstick.

She make me sick
with her old ugly self.

I hate lipstick too.

When I kiss a female,
all I wanna taste is female.

Hey, Daddy, you look neat.

Yeah, I am as
clean as a chitlin.

Real handsome, Daddy.

Oh, thank you.

Boy, you look sharper
than a wax dummy

at Marshall Field's
department store.

Now, Junior, you sure
got a way with words.

Where you going, Daddy?

Oh, they're having
a little Christmas jam

down at the car wash.

Oh, that's nice.

Boy, what a great
place to have a party.

You can get washed,
dried, spray-waxed

and bombed all at the same time.

Baby, you sure you
don't want to come along?

Oh, honey, I wish I could,
but I got a turkey dinner to fix.

It's gonna be nine of us.

Yeah. Well, look, I ain't
gonna be down there that long,

just grab my bonus and split.

I just hope it's something
decent this year.

Oh, I'm sure it will be.

Yeah, well, you remember
that jive job I had last year.

The boss promised me something
extra in my Christmas envelope,

I got it too. A note
saying, "You're fired."

I'll bet this Christmas
gonna be different.

This one's gonna be great.

We got a lot of
food on the table.

We all got our health, and
we got family visiting with us.

Florida, I almost forgot. What?

I got to get downtown
and meet Oscar and Millie.

I promised to show them
some of the sights of Chicago.

Bye. See you later, baby.

Okay, love.

Daddy, if Naomi's folks are
interested in some weird sights,

we could start right here
and give them a tour of J.J.

Hey, now, look who's talking.

The girl who
celebrates Christmas

by looking like Halloween.

Don't hit me. Come on.

I'd like to stick around here

and watch the
holiday festivities,

but I got to get moving.
See you all later.

See you, Dad.

Say, where's Naomi?
She's in the bathroom.

That girl's in the
bathroom again?

Damn, she likes to
stay clean, don't she?

I know what to get her for
a Christmas present now.

A bunch of free
passes to the car wash.

Now wait a minute.

I don't like your making
fun of my side of the family.

When did I ever laugh
at your side of the family?

By the way, did we
get a card this year

from that bowlegged
cousin of yours?

The one with the nappy toupee

that keeps blowing
off in the wind.

James!

Just jiving, baby, just jiving.

See you all later.

Okay.

And, Florida,
don't burn the bird.

Oh, go on.

Mama. Yes, honey?

Is Naomi gonna get
out of there soon?

I gotta use the necessity room.

She'll be out in a
few minutes, honey.

In a few minutes? Oh, Lord.

Look, children, your
cousin Naomi is shy.

She's just a little
country girl, remember.

You know, J.J., you could
help her out with that shyness.

Why don't you take
her out once and a while.

Ma, you wanna
ruin my reputation?

What reputation?

I'll have you know,

you're looking at the
Casanova of the Windy City.

Speaking of windy...

Oh, dear. See who
that is, J.J., please.

Okay, Ma.

Hi, y'all.

Hey, Willona.

Hey, now, season's greetings
From the family and me

If you ain't a partridge
Get out of the pear tree

God bless you too, Skinny Tim.

Here's some
decorations for the tree.

Oh, thanks. Catch, J.J.

Right on.

Oh, Florida, tree
looks beautiful.

Thank you, Willona.

How'd you do down
at the boutique?

Did you get a nice bonus?

Girl, let me tell
you about this.

The boss called the
whole staff around and said,

"Well, as you all know,
this year has not been

"the best economically
for the country.

"Or for the boutique.

"But however, in keeping
with the spirit of the season,

there is something for
each and every one of you."

So we all cracked up
and said, "Right, right on."

And you know what
she gave us? What?

A sequined W.I.N. button.

W.I.N.? Hey, Willona, that
stands for "Whip Inflation Now."

Wrong. Around here, it
stands for "We In Need."

And where's Naomi?

She's in there again?

Still.

She's having a
great time in Chicago.

All she's seen so
far are the plumbings.

Shh.

"Shh" what?

I think Miss Clean's
about to make her debut.

There goes the chair
from underneath the door,

and here come Miss Clean!

Oh, J.J., you cut that out.

Now, you know there's
no chair in the bathroom.

Well, I see you're
all gathered together.

Hi, Naomi.

Hi, Willona.

I just love hot baths.

Steam really makes
the skin smooth.

But it sure wrinkles
the wallpaper.

Oh, J.J., you're funny.

Isn't he funny, Aunt Florida?

Well, we never considered
him a threat to Redd Foxx.

You're funny too. Now I
see where he gets it from.

Naomi, can I go in
there now, please?

Sure, Michael. Thanks.

Oh, Michael, let me make
sure I didn't forget anything.

Dry skin cream, wet skin
cream, dry skin cream remover,

wet skin cream remover,

dry and wet skin cream
remover and neutralizer.

I wish you had something

that would remove
you from that bathroom.

If I run across any empties,

I'll bring them
back for a deposit.

Oh, Michael, I did
forget something.

Oh, Naomi. Oh, excuse me.

I think Michael's
time is running out.

J.J., why don't you
take your cousin Naomi

to meet some of your friends,

now that she's all freshened
up from her steam bath.

Ma, I can't take Naomi
out in this cold air,

with her pores all wide open.

The hawk will whistle
through her body so hard

it'll be playing "Dixie."

There. That takes
care of everything.

Say, I got some
last-minute shopping to do.

Look, I won't be
long, sweetheart.

Oh, that's okay, Aunt Florida.

Willona, why don't
you come go with me.

Oh, great, because I gotta
get some more parsley

and some more okra
to finish what I got to do.

Finish what?

Stuffing the ham I'm cooking.

I'll be outside. Okay, Willona.

Hey, Ma, where you going?

To the market.

If you're going to
be carrying groceries

through this neighborhood,

you'll need me
along to ride shotgun.

Come on.

Hey, Ma. What?

I know it's the
season to be jolly,

but somebody done
ripped off our holly.

Come on, baby.

Naomi.

Another beauty treatment, Naomi?

Thelma, I was just
having a glass of water.

It's really good for
the system, you know.

I know the water in Chicago
has a lot of things in it.

But I never knew
it was 80 proof.

Flo, you got this place looking

like the main dining
room at the Plum Plaza.

Two tables, no waiting, hey.

Well, if it wasn't for
your tables and chairs

we would have to
make two settings,

or else put five at the table

three on the couch
and one on the floor.

It's sure is a lot of
extra work on you, Ma.

Oh, I don't mind, honey.

I'm just so happy to have
kinfolks at Christmastime.

It sure puts me into
the holiday spirits.

I know someone who's
really into the holiday spirits.

Hey, baby, you better
set another place.

Oh, you invited somebody else?

Yeah, set a seat
for Mr. Jack Daniel's.

Oh, Uncle James,
that's so funny.

"Set a place for
Mr. Jack Daniel's."

Daddy, did you get a bonus?

Didn't I? Can I get a...?

Hey, hey.

Hold this, Willona. Okay.

Here, baby, open this.

Twenty-five dollars! Oh,
James that's wonderful!

That sure beats a W.I.N. button!

Mama, I'm going into your room
gift wrap some more presents.

And I don't want no
more peeking, okay?

Okay, baby boy. All
right, no more peeking.

Speaking of peeking, I've
been peeking at this bird.

Where'd you get it,
Weight Watchers?

Well, it weighed 12 pounds
before it was plucked.

Plucked, it looked
more like it was mugged.

Say, Naomi, your folks say
that they was going to stop over

to see some old
friends on the Southside,

so they'd be here shortly, hear?

Well, in that case, I'd better
put some more makeup on.

Hey, James, if you're pouring,

I'll join your little
holiday toast.

No, no. James,
don't open this one.

We got one open back here.

All right.

I'll get the glasses
all together here.

Yes. I'll do the pouring.

Okay. Start it off right.

That's good. For you.

And for you.

I'll have a little
water with mine.

Let me have some
water too, please.

Hey, Flo, how about you?

Oh, you know I don't drink.

Come on, Flo. It's
the Christmas holiday.

A little taste won't hurt you.

Come on. Just a little one.

Well...

Ooh!

Florida, that ain't
enough to baptize a gnat.

Flo, James, here's
to a wonderful holiday.

I'll drink to that. Cheers!

Why does there have to be
so much drinking around here?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

There's not much
drinking around here.

Yeah, baby, I mean,
that last bottle of bourbon

we had lasted from your
birthday to Michael's birthday.

Now, that was almost 10 months.

I'll drink to that.

See? See what I mean?

"I'll drink to this,"
"I'll drink to that."

Any excuse.

I'll drink to that!

Willona, that's not funny.

Thelma, what's the matter?

I'll be with Michael
if you want me.

That's not like Thelma.
I'm going to talk to her.

Baby, you know kids, they're
just like yo-yos, up and down.

Now, just sit down and
enjoy yourself here. Come on.

Maybe you're right.

Now, where were we?

"I'll drink to that."

Yeah, that was good.
Now, where's the whiskey?

That smells like Chicago water.

Tastes like Chicago water.

Well, Chicago water got
everything in it except whiskey.

This smells like water too.

Now, somebody's been
emptying these bottles.

Now, who the hell would
do something like that?

Who would use a glass and put it
back up here without washing it?

James. Smell that.

That's booze.

And that's J.J.'s glass.

Yeah, but baby, you know
Junior don't drink no booze.

Nobody in this family does.

Well, it shouldn't be too hard
to find out who's been boozing.

I was reading an article

that listed the warning
signs of an alcoholic.

The things to look out
for are forgetful, defensive,

uncoordinated and exaggerated
sense of one's own importance.

Exaggerated sense of
one's own importance?

Yep.

That couldn't be
anybody in this family.

That's what the book said.

Ahh!

The holiday season
has just begun

And here he is your favorite son

Kid Dy-no-mite!

An exaggerated sense
of one's own importance.

Now, cut that out.
J.J., where you been?

I don't know, Ma. Just
kind of out messing around.

Forgetful. Stop it, you two.

J.J., honey, why can't you tell
Mama exactly where you been?

Hey, how come
everybody's picking on me?

Defensive.

What the hell you got to
be so defensive about?

Who me? J.J.!

Uncoordinated.

Oh, you two, stop that.

Junior, come over here.

Now that's a weird
walk if I ever seen one.

Now James, your son's
been walking like that

ever since he
took his first step.

Junior, you been drinking?

Oh, wow. How did y'all guess?

Oh, no.

Well, it was Christmas so I
got a jug and Lester got a jug

and mixed my red Kool-aid
with his green Kool-aid.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, James!

Florida, honey,

you shouldn't leave the
door unlocked like that.

Hungry Rogers could come in.

Hey, Oscar, Millie, you
remember my good friend, Willona.

Hi! Nice to see you again.

Out of all the family and
relatives we've been visiting,

we feel most at home with you.

Yeah, maybe that
because everybody else

tells us to go back
to our own home.

It might have something to
do with your appetite, Oscar.

We picked up a little
something to help out the dinner.

All right.

Let's get this
holiday under way.

Neither me or the turkey are
gonna can make it on one wing.

Now, Oscar, you know the doctor
warned you not to drink so much.

Oh, who worries about doctors?

I know a lot of old
drunks but no old doctors.

And a lot of old jokes too.

Naomi, you better cool
it. Your folks are here.

Why you always go around
sneaking up on people?

You're so busy
sneaking into bottles,

you wouldn't know if the Chicago
Bears stampeded through here.

Oh, don't be square.

I'm only getting into
the holiday spirit.

With you, every day's a holiday.

I don't like waiting
till the last minute.

Naomi, do you know
what you're doing?

"Naomi, do you know
what you're doing?"

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I'm having fun.

Well, I've seen plenty
of that kind of fun.

A 16-year-old boy
drove his father's car

off a bridge just for fun.

A girl was babysitting
and she almost

drowned the baby
in the bath tub.

Now how's that for fun?

A drunken kid tried to fly off

one of the roofs like
one of his pigeons.

And all this fun happened
right here in this neighborhood.

What have you
got to laugh about?

I don't live in this
neighborhood.

Oh, you don't?

Well, there are half a
million kids living in the bottle

and you live in
that neighborhood.

Half a million?

Well, that's just fine
because I hate to drink alone.

What's the matter
with feeling good?

You don't feel good.
You're an alkie...

Now wait a minute.
I am not an alkie.

That's what you think.

Alcohol is the number
one teenage drug problem

in the country today.

Naomi, you need help.

Don't worry, sugar.
I can handle it.

Sure you can.

Well, go on. Fink
on me to the family.

Goodie two-shoes.

Well, what are you waiting for?

For you to say the one thing
that proves you're hooked.

And what's that?

That you can quit
any time you want to.

Well, that's right. I can. I
can quit any time I want to.

Everyone's waiting for you.

Well, in that case,
one for the road.

Well, honey, so far I've
seen more folks from home

than I have when
we was in Fayetteville!

That's because they all up here!

Hi, Aunt Millie.

Hey, baby.

Lay it on me. Give
your daddy a kiss.

Daddy!

Don't forget your mother.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Well, isn't somebody gonna
say something appropriate

for the occasion?

Yeah, let's eat!

First thing's first, J.J.
And take off your hat.

You all know every
Christmas before the dinner,

Florida usually gives
us a little speech,

like, and prayer...
Come on, come on!

Well, it goes like this.

We're gathered together...

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

And then she finishes up
with this beautiful prayer.

How the prayer go, baby?

We thank you for
this feast... Feast.

But let us not forget
those who are hungry.

We thank you for our health,

but let us not forget
those who are ill.

We thank you for our friends,

but let us not forget
those who are lonely.

And let us not
forget our blessings

so they can be shared by all.

Now come on, baby. Do it, do it.

There's nothing to say but amen.

Well, you did that great, Flo.

I'd like to propose a
toast. I'll drink to that.

But first, everybody's glass
get a little taste of the grape.

First, the youngest.
Michael? Oh, no, no no.

No. Michael is too
young. He don't drink.

Oh, don't be silly Flo.

You want him to grow
up to be a man, don't you?

Michael will have milk.

Oscar, our kids
don't drink no liquor.

Oh, come on. A little
wine never hurt anybody.

Naomi's been drinking wine
since she was four years old.

She drinks champagne
on our anniversary.

Brandy at New Year's.

And don't forget, Daddy.

Don't forget one
more thing that I drink.

On Sammy Davis's birthday,
it's man, oh, Manishewitz.

Naomi!

What happened?

Naomi's tossed, she's
smashed. Thelma, come on.

She's drunk, mom.

Drunk?

Did you hear that, Oscar?

Hey, I know you
won't believe this,

but for a while there I was
afraid she was on drugs.

Thelma, Mommy,
Daddy come here quick.

Hey, Michael, what's up?

What's happening? What you
yelling about? What's going on?

What is it, baby?

Everything's cool.

I just figured if you
guys slept all day

I wouldn't get a chance
to open these presents.

Well, here's one
you can open first.

It's to all of us
from Santa Claus.

"To the Evans family.

"You may all have
one wish for Christmas.

Signed, Santa Claus."

Thelma, you go first.

Well, I wish that something
good happens for Naomi.

And that she gets help.

Oh, Thelma, that's beautiful.

Since I'm the one that plays
Santa Claus for this family

my wish is that all
y'alls wishes come true.

Ohh!

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watching the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

Good Times is recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪