Good Omens (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Saturday Morning Funtime - full transcript

Captain's log,
Pleasure Cruiser Morbillo.

We were sailing south-southwest
on course for Havana

when we realised
something was amiss.

What's that
on the horizon?

But that's impossible.

It appears a vast
expanse of seabed

has risen beneath us
in the night.

Strange people in long robes
and diving helmets

have come aboard the ship
and are mingling happily
with the passengers,

who think that
we have organised this
for their amusement.

The High Priest has just won
the Quoits contest.



Make it happen. Make it real.

Make it happen. Make it real.

Make it happen.
Make it real.

Make it happen.

Make it real.

Make it happen.

Adam, I still don't understand
the thing you were telling us

about alien spaceships.

If I was an alien, I wouldn't
be going around giving messages

of universal peace
and goodwill.

I'd say,
"This is a laser blaster.

Prepare to die,
rebel swine."

I'd say that too, if I was
an alien in a flying saucer.

Or, "Exterminate."



Obviously, the aliens
used to do that.

Now they give messages of global
peace and cosmic harmony,

and the government
hushes it all up.

-Why?
-It's what they do.

They hush up aliens
and nuclear reactors,

and the people from Tibet
who have secret tunnels

and are listening
to everything we say.

Adam, I don't think
this stuff is,

you know... real.

Things on the Internet
can be made up.

This is magazines.

Of course it's real.
Just like the City of Atlantis.

Actually, I don't think
Atlantis is a thing.

It's under the sea.
And people live there.

How can they breathe?

I bet they wear diving helmets.

- That's right.
- Do you believe that's true?

Of course it's true.
What I say is true.

That's not the only news
we're hearing from the ocean.

Some initial reports claim
that the land that's risen

in the Atlantic is the sunken
continent of Atlantis.

This photograph
of so-called Atlanteans

has been posted by passengers
on a holiday cruise ship.

Strange times indeed.

Hmm.

-It's me.
-I know it's you, Aziraphale.

Yes. Right. Look, we need to
get word upstairs to the...

to the--
to the Big Boss.

There-- there's been
prophecies.

What's in human prophecies
that matters to us?

Well, er, the Kraken wakes
and rises from the sea floor.

So does Atlantis.
And the rain forests return.

And that's just for starters.

Armageddon is coming,

and I'm fairly certain
it starts today.

Just after teatime.

Exactly. Right on schedule.
What's your point?

Look, will you please stop,
just for a minute? Please.

-Well?
-I just...

I just thought there was
something we could do.

There is. We can fight.
And we can win.

But there doesn't
have to be a war.

Of course there does.
Otherwise, how would we win it?

Hmm?

Now look, wrap up whatever
you need to wrap up down here.

Report back to active
service and...

...lose the gut.

Come on.

You're a lean,
mean fighting machine.

What are you?

I'm...

I'm soft.

Almost forgot.

According to our records,

you were issued
a flaming sword.

You didn't lose that?

What, like I...

I'd just give it away
or something?

Two items have been delivered.

Two Horsemen
are preparing to ride.

The last two deliveries
still need to be made.

Lesley.

Come back to bed.

I can't, love.
I got deliveries to make.

On a Saturday morning?

Well, at least it's local.
Two jobs and I'm done.

Lesley.

Who are these
deliveries for?

I don't know, love.

Someone important.

Head office said the job was
booked about 6,000 years ago.

They were joking.

Well, the company's
only 80 years old.

But I saw the paperwork.

Anyway...

ours is not to reason why.

Ours...
is to deliver packages.

I love you...

tiger.

I love you, Maud.

I may be out of line here,

but I've been following up
on Aziraphale's comments

during our last meeting.

I went back through
the Earth observation files.

I'm sure there's a perfectly
innocent explanation.

'Course.

Would you have any objection
to me following this up

using back channels?

There are no back channels,
Michael.

It's me.

It's our man Aziraphale.

Is there any possibility
he's working for you?

No?

Well, then, you might want
to investigate the activities

of the demon Crowley.

Might be playing
his own game.

Word to the wise.

No, I'm... I'm telling you,
you can't trust him.

Of course you can trust me.

I'm an angel.

Crowley. Crowley. Crowley.

What have you been
playing at?

Where should I go?

England's out.

America's out.

Atlantis?
Didn't exist yesterday.

It exists today.
Still out.

The moon.

No atmosphere.
No nightlife.

Alpha Centauri.

That's always nice
this time of year.

Beautiful nebula.
Look at that.

I helped build that one.

I only ever
asked questions.

That's all it took to be a demon
in the old days.

Great Plan?

God, you listening?

Show me a Great Plan.

Okay, I know
you're testing them,

you said you were going
to be testing them.

You shouldn't test them
to destruction.

Not to the end of the world.

Shouldn't be allowed.
Bloody lorries.

No respect for other
road users.

In the old days, and it wasn't
that long ago, really,

there was an angler
every dozen yards,

children played here,

courting couples came here
to hold hands

and to get all lovey-dovey
in the Sussex sunset.

He did that with Maud
before they were married.

They came here to spoon

and, on one memorable
occasion, fork.

Party by the name
of Chalky, sir?

Look at that river.

Yes, sir.
It's the pollution.

Progress, you could call it.

It's just so...
damn beautiful.

It's a funny old world, though, isn't it?
And no mistake.

I mean, you go all over
the world delivering,

and then you wind up practically
in your own backyard,

so to speak.

I've been to Africa,

and Des Moines.

That's in America, sir.

And now here I am.

And here's your parcel, sir.

You have to sign for it.

There you go.

Red sky in the morning,
shepherd's warning.

Or is it sailor's warning?

Everybody's warning.

The third
of the Four Horsemen

took over when Pestilence
retired.

Erm...

They've had lots
of interesting jobs

in lots of interesting places.

Helped design
the petrol engine,

plastics and high-tech
weed killers.

They've killed as many people
as Famine or as War.

This is Pollution.

That one nearly had me.

Oh.

I'm afraid so.

I've got
a message for you, sir.

It's not a package.

It's a message.

Deliver it, then.

It's just this.

"Come and see."

Finally!

What does it mean, sir?

It's a call to action.

War and Famine.

Pollution and Death.

Today, we ride.

Now, don't think of it
as dying.

Think of it as leaving early
to avoid the rush.

Have you got any more
of the New Aquarians?

'Cause we need
to know everything.

You read the ones
I gave you already?

Yeah, sure. Hold on.

Do you kids want some candy?

It's chocolate.

-We don't take sweets from--
-Witches.

I do.

And he's back on the line
to James Knockey.

So, could what happened

at Turning Point
Nuclear Power Station

be terrorist activity?

Could be!

All we need to do is find some
terrorists capable of removing

an entire nuclear reactor

while it's still running
without anyone noticing.

How can it still
be producing electricity

if it hasn't got
any reactors?

We don't know that.

We were hoping you
clever buggers at the BBC

would have an idea.

Attention!

This is our country.

It's under our protection.

Wish I was going with you.

I'm too old now.

No more lying
in the bracken,

spying on their evil ways.

It's all up to you now,
Witchfinder Private Pulsifer.

Find this Adam Young
and keep an eye on him.

Shouldn't there be
a few more of us

if we're protecting the entire
country from witches?

Nobody said it would be easy,
Private Pulsifer.

Here. Put this on.

Pendulum of Discovery.

Pendulum of Discovery.

Thumbscrews.

-Oh, I-- I don't think I'll--
-Thumbscrew!

Thumbscrew.

Firelighters.

I'm not actually prepared
to burn anyone.

-Firelighters!
-Firelighters.

-Bell.
-Bell.

-Book.
-Book.

And candle.

Bell. Book. Candle.

What are they for?

You might have
to exorcise a demon.

How do I do that?

Ring the bell.

Light the candle.

Read the book?

There'll be no time
for light reading

when you're under
demonic attack, laddie.

And finally...

pin.

Pin?

Aye. It's the bayonet
in your army of light.

Right.

Well, off to Tadfield, then.

Off you go,
Witchfinder Private Pulsifer.

And may the armies of glory
march beside you.

The world was changing.

What Adam believed was true

was beginning to happen
in reality.

Morning, sir,
madam or neuter.

This your planet, is it?

Yes, I suppose so.

- Had it long, have we?
- Not personally.

As a species, about half
a million years, I think.

Been letting the old acid rain
build up, haven't we, sir?

Been letting ourselves go with
the old hydrocarbons, perhaps?

Sorry?

Well, I'm sorry to have
to tell you, sir,

but your polar ice caps
are significantly below

regulation size for a planet
of this category, sir.

We'll overlook it
on this occasion.

The fact is, sir, we've been
asked to bring you a message.

Oh? Me?

Message runs, "We bring you
a message of universal peace,

cosmic harmony,
and suchlike."

Message ends.

Oh, that's very kind.

Have you any idea why
we've been asked to bring you
this message, sir?

I suppose what with man's
harnessing of the atom and, er--

Neither have we, sir.

Neither have we.

You what?

I just got
pulled over by aliens.

Did you count their nipples?

-I didn't think--
-You're a witchfinder,

not an alien finder.

But I'll make a note of it.

I don't know if this is
in your New Aquarian magazines,

but I was thinking
we ought to save the whales.

Whales can sing, actually.

And they have
very big brains.

And there's hardly
any of them left.

If they're so clever,

what are they doing
in the sea all day?

Just swimming
and eating things

and singing and-- Oh, my God,
I want to be a whale.

Right.

We'll save the whales, then.

All of them.

This is not a whaling ship.

This is a scientific
research ship.

Currently what it is
researching is the question,

How many whales
can it catch in a week?

They see no whales
on the radar, no tuna,

nothing bigger than an anchovy.

And now, the sea bottom
appears to be dropping.

Beneath the thunders
of the upper deep,

far, far beneath
in the abyssal sea,

the Kraken sleepeth.

And now it's waking up.

Scientists have
pronounced themselves baffled

by the appearance
of the enormous sea creature,

which the Internet has begun
to refer to as "the Kraken",

-after the sea beast of legend.
-What?

It appears to be targeting
whaling ships,

according to a spokesman
for the Japanese government.

And a million sushi
dinners cry out for vengeance.

I've been thinking...
about Crowley.

-Something's not right.
-Oh, look at this.

I meant to be getting ready to
go to Megiddo to meet the boy.

I should be leaving now.

Instead, I'm standing here
with a bucket,

waiting for maintenance
to come fix another bloody pipe.

So, Crowley.
What's Mr Slick done now?

I'm not sure.

But I know
it's nothing good.

Oh. Well, that's alright, then.
He's not meant to do good.

Figure of speech.

Nothing bad, then.

Nothing bad?

So...

he's not in trouble?

He's definitely in trouble.

-Or he will be.
-We going in?

Not yet. We need proof.

But once we've got it,
he's toast.

And that's gonna hurt.

What, being toasted?

Oh, yeah.

Right. Toast.

Back to Armageddon, then.

Look at that.

"When robins blue
chariot inverted be,

three wheels in the sky,

a man with bruises
be upon your bed,

aching his head
for willow fine."

He's hurt. Come on,
we should do something.

We should get him away
from the car. It might blow up.

They do that on telly.

Dick Turpin won't blow up.

You're probably wondering
why it's called Dick Turpin.

Well...

The Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse will ride
over the plain to us,

and then our forces...

I thought "the Forces
of Darkness" was a bit long,

so I'm calling us
"Darkforce One."

We rise up,
pushing through the earth,

while our opposition
descend from above.

This is Armageddon.

This is where
the world will end.

Well, that's
the Greek name for it.

Technically,
the fields of Megiddo.

Yeah. Archaeological
excavations over there,

avocado fields that way.

They grow avocados here?

Yes. We have a joke.

We say...

"It's going to be
one big avocado."

I, er...
I don't like jokes.

I don't do jokes.

And when people do jokes
in my presence,

they rapidly find themselves
swallowing their tongues.

No, I tell a lie.

It's mostly me that
swallows their tongues.

So, what time do the boy
and the Hell Hound get here?

About 20 minutes.

The ambassador's here
for a photo op with
the ruins of the temple.

And when they arrive,

our master's son
will come into his own.

A photo op?

What's-- what's--
what's a photo op?

Is it-- Is it another joke?

No, Your Disgrace.
It's...

Well, you know
what a selfie is?

I believe the demon Crowley
invented them.

When all is ready,
the boy and the dog

and the Four Horsemen
will converge here.

And the boy
will give the word.

And Armageddon will begin.

One... one big avocado.

- Anathema,
we found a man!

-He was in a car accident.
-I know. Come in.

Let's get him upstairs.

It's almost like
you were expecting him.

I was.

I was hoping
he wouldn't come.

If he didn't turn up,
maybe none of it was real.

But if he's here...
then the Beast is real.

- You mean Dog.
- No. It's nothing.

Nothing you kids
need to worry about, anyway.

Hey, do you guys
want some sandwiches?

I have a very nutritious lunch
waiting at home.

My mother likes me to come home
with an appetite.

Make it happen.
Make it real.

Make it happen.
Make it real.

Make it happen.

Bye, Anathema.

-You coming, Adam?
-I didn't say you could go.

See you after lunch.

- Adam's different.
- Don't be wet.

Actually,
that's why we like him.

He's not boring.

Oh, you know what I mean.

- You must do.
- He's Adam.

He comes up with all the best
games and all the best ideas.

Yeah,
but something's changed.

He's not the same anymore.

Can I say something stupid

without you
thinking it's stupid?

I was scared he wouldn't
let us go just then.

That's stupid.

Actually, I felt that too.

Honey, I'm still not clear
on what we're doing here.

This is life as a diplomat.

One moment you're in London,

the next we're
familially interfacing

with Israeli
archaeological sites

on a historical
fact-finding vacation.

But it doesn't make any sense.

You don't argue with
the State Department, hon.

Is this because I said
the President's wife
looked like a floozy?

Because I never said that.

And this is our local guide

to the archaeological site
of Megiddo.

Mister...

I'm Hastur...

La Vista.

I'm an archaeologist.

Which one of you
is the ambassador?

Thaddeus Dowling,
at your service.

-My wife, Harriet.
-An honour.

Oh.

You must be Warlock.

You smell like poo.

Funny boy.

Always love
a good joke, me.

I've heard a lot
about you.

- Where's the dog?
- -So, Professor La Vista,

I understood from our briefing
that Tel Megiddo

was part of Tiglath-Pileser's
administrative centre.

The Assyrian kings
fascinate me--

Will you shut up!

Where's the dog?

Why doesn't the boy
have a dog?

Hmm?

Do you hear voices?

What are they saying?

What are they telling you?

-The voices...
-Yes.

...in my head all say...

What?!

...you smell like poo.

Crowley!

What the heaven
is going on, Crowley?

What have you done?

Hastur. Hey. Not following you.
How do you mean?

The boy...
The boy called Warlock.

We took him
to the fields of Megiddo.

The dog is not with him.

The child knows nothing
of the Great War.

He is not our master's son.

He said that I...

that I smelled of poo.

-Well, you can see his point.
-You're dead meat, Crowley.

You're bloody history.

You stay where you are.
We're coming to collect you.

You are Witchfinder
Private Newton Pulsifer.

Apparently, all magistrates
are enjoined to give you

as much dry kindling
as you need

to burn any witches,

hags or beldam
you discover.

Er... I'm not actually
a real witchfinder.

There aren't really
any witches.

I'm actually a...
computer engineer.

I just needed something
to get me out of the house.

Hmm.

I'm Anathema Device.

I really am a witch.

You should read that.
It's about you.

It will save time.

I...

"When robins blue chariot
inverted be,

three wheels in the sky,

a man with bruises
be upon your bed,

aching his head
for willow fine."

That's you, the car crash
and the aspirin.

Have you ever heard
of Agnes Nutter?

I'm afraid not.

A witch from 300 years ago.

I'm her descendant.

One of your ancestors
burned her at the stake.

-Adultery Pulsifer.
-Or tried to.

Ancestors?

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
Pulsifer.

Hmm.

Your family obviously
has a tendency to burn mine,

so I...

I took your matches.

I'm not going
to burn anyone.

I know. Agnes would have
told us if you were.

She wrote all these prophecies
in a book published in 1655.

Did she know I was
going to crash my car?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

My family has been trying
to figure out

Agnes's Nice and Accurate
Prophecies for 400 years now.

You could say we're
professional descendants.

How many prophecies
are there?

Thousands.

It averages to about
a prophecy a month.

Oh, more now, in fact, as we get
closer to the end of the world.

When is that supposed to be?

Er... in around four hours
and 15 minutes.

Oh, come on. The world isn't
really going to end today.

The end of the world
starts here in Tadfield,

this afternoon,
according to Agnes.

-I just can't find it.
-"It"?

The Antichrist. The Great Beast.

I've been searching for it,
but it's impossible to find.

"Where the Hogge's Back ends,
the young beast will
take the world,

and Adam's line will end
in fire and darkness."

Hogge's back.

Adam Young.

And his address is number four,

Hogback Lane, Tadfield.

-What did you say?
-Adam Young.

He lives at 4 Hogback Lane.

I was told to keep
an eye on him.

How did you...?

Oh, I didn't--
Shit.

Adam, that's...
that's crazy.

He's such a sweet kid.
Him and his friends

were the ones that
brought you in here,

I mean, he's the sweetest kid
in the village.

I mean, he can't be
the Great Beast
at the end of the world.

Come on.

We don't want to go with you.

Actually...I really don't.

I don't like this.

There's no point
in going home.

It doesn't matter.
That's all done now.

But we don't actually
want to go with you.

You do.

You know why you're all
coming with me, Wensley?

Because there's
nowhere else to go.

What's the point?

What's going to be left
when we grow up?

Everywhere you look, there's
all this environment going on.

Everything's being killed
or used up,

and no one
takes it seriously.

Everyone thinks that somehow
it'll all just get better again.

Where's the sense
in that?

Adam, this is all wrong.
I'm not going with you.

-But you are.
-It isn't actually funny.

Wensley's right.

It's a stupid game.
And you're being weird.

It's our job to make it
start again.

Right, Dog?

Angel! I'm sorry.

I apologise.
Whatever I said,
I didn't mean it.

Work with me,
I'm apologising here. Yes? Good.

-Get in the car.
-What? No.

The forces of Hell have
figured out it was my fault.

But we can run away together.
Alpha Centauri.

Lots of spare planets up there.
Nobody would even notice us.

Crowley, you're being
ridiculous.

Look, I-I-I'm quite sure
if I can just--

just reach the right people,
then I can get all this
sorted out.

There aren't any right people.
There's just God,

moving in mysterious ways
and not talking to any of us.

Well, yes, and that is why
I'm going to have a word
with the Almighty,

and then the Almighty
will fix it.

That won't happen.

You're so clever.

How can somebody as clever
as you be so stupid?

I forgive you.

Oh...

I'm going home, Angel.

I'm getting my stuff
and I'm leaving.

And when I'm off in the stars,
I won't even think about you.

I've been there.

You're better off
without him.

Crowley!

Crowley!

We only want
a little word with you.

We know you're in there.

Crowley!

In here, people.

Hi.

That's-- that's--
that's holy water!

I can't believe even a demon
would-- would-- would--

Holy water!
That's-- that's...

But he hadn't
done nothing to you!

Yet.

You...

You don't frighten me.

Do you know what this is?

This is a plant mister,

cheapest and most efficient
on the market today.

It can squirt a fine spray
of water into the air.

It's filled with holy water.

It can turn you into that.

You're bluffing.

Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm not.

Ask yourself:

do you feel lucky?

Yes. Do you?

-Ow!
-Time to go, Crowley.

Hello? I know where the Anti--

Hi, this is Anthony Crowley.

You know what to do.
Do it with style.

Don't move!

There's something very
important you need to know

before you disgrace yourself.

I know where the Anti--

Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.

But--

Well, you've definitely
passed the test.

You're ready to start playing
with the big boys.

What? You're mad.

The Lords of Hell had to make
sure you were trustworthy

before we gave you command
of the legions of the damned

in the war ahead.

And, Hastur,

Duke of Hell,

-you've come through
with flying colours.
-Me?

Now, I-I wouldn't expect you
to believe me, Duke Hastur.

But why don't we talk
to the Dark Council?

Let's see if they can
convince you.

You're calling
the Dark Council?

Yes, I am.

And they say,
"So long, sucker!"

- You're probably wondering
where Crowley has gone.

Demons aren't bound
by physics.

Over the years, a huge number
of theological man-hours

have been spent
debating the question:

"How many angels can dance
on the head of a pin?"

To answer it,
we need information.

Firstly, angels don't dance.

It's one of the distinguishing
characteristics

that marks an angel.

So, none.

At least, nearly none.

Aziraphale had learned
a dance called the "gavotte"

in a discreet gentlemen's club

in Portland Place
in the late 1880s.

After a while, he had become
fairly good at it,

and was quite put out when,
some decades later,

the gavotte went out of style
for good.

So providing the dance
was a gavotte,

the answer is
a straightforward "one".

Then again, you might just
as well ask how many demons

can dance on the head
of a pin.

They're of the same original
stock, after all.

And at least demons dance.

Not what you'd call
good dancing, though.

For demons or for angels,

size and shape
are simply options.

So, if you look
from really close up,

the only problem about dancing
on the head of a pin

is all those big gaps
between electrons.

That's where Crowley has gone.

That's where Hastur
is following.

Right now, they are both
travelling incredibly fast

-through the telephone system.
-Whoa-oh!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Crowley!

You can't escape me!

Wherever you come out,
I'll come out too!

Three, two, one.

You hear me?
Crowley!

Hi, this is An--

Where are you, you little runt?

I heard your voice.

You and your best friend
Aziraphale,

you're dead meat.

Hastur, Duke of Hell,
is now trapped on a tape

inside Crowley's antique
telephone answering machine.

Where am I?
Don't leave me here.

I know where the Antichrist is.
- Oh, no.

-I know where the Antichrist--
-Oh, no, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't dare, you...

you snake!

Hello, Aziraphale.

Oh, Michael.

Uriel.

Sandalphon.

Hello, erm...

We've just been learning
some rather disturbing

things about you.

You've been a bit
of a fallen angel, haven't you?

Consorting with the enemy?

Oh, I-I-I haven't
been consorting.

Don't think your boyfriend
in the dark glasses

will get you special
treatment in Hell.

He's in trouble too.

Aziraphale, it's time
to choose sides.

I've-I've actually
been giving that
a lot of thought.

The, erm, the whole
choosing sides thing.

Erm, what I think is that there
obviously has to be two sides.

That's the whole point.
So people can make choices.

That's-- that's what
being human means.

Choices.

But-- but that's--
that's for them.

Our job as-as angels should be
to keep all this working

so they can make choices.

You think too much.

You...you mustn't.

Why would you do this?

We're the good guys.
I have to warn you that--

that I'm going to take this
entire interaction up with...

up with...
a higher authority.

You really think upstairs
will take your call?

You're ridiculous.

Oh, this is great.
It's starting.

You...you...

bad angels.

Seems to me
it'd serve everyone right

if all the nuclear bombs
went off and it started again,

only properly this time.

Then we could sort it all out.

There's all these bombs
going off.

People get killed.

Speaking as a mother of unborn
generations, I'm against it.

You'd all be fine.
I'd see to that.

It'd be wicked, eh,
to have the whole world
to ourselves, wouldn't it?

We could have amazing games.
We could have war
with real armies.

But there won't
be any people.

They'd all be dead.

Oh, I can make us
some new people.

Adam, please let us go home.

-I want my mummy and my daddy.
-No.

- I'll make you new
mummies and daddies.

Please, Adam!

Adam, what are you doing?!

I've got friends coming soon.

You'll like them.
They're a lot like you.

They're going to help me
make it all stop.

Actually, Adam, please,
I can't move!

I don't like this game!

You wait.
It's going to be wicked.

So we find this Adam,
and then what do we do?

Stop him.

He's bringing Armageddon.

So, we ask him nicely to stop?

I don't know.
Agnes doesn't say.

She goes off
on stuff about...

you and me.

-Like what?
-Oh, stupid stuff.

You...you don't
want to know.

Hogback Lane
isn't far from here.

Hold on!

I'm not an idiot!

You don't get tornados
in England!

We do today!

Prophecy 691!

The wind should drop in
a few seconds, then redouble.

We'll have less than a minute
to go back inside

before it starts again.

Got it?

Okay. Got it.

Under the bed!

This is insane.

You don't get tornados here.

Did Agnes say
what we have to do next?

Let the wheel of fate turn.

Let hearts enjoin.

There are other fires
than mine.

When the whirlwind whirls,

- reach out to one another.
- -"Reach out to one another"!

The world's about to end,
and I've--

I've never--

never robbed a bank.

I've never got a parking ticket.

I've never eaten
Thai food.

I've never been abroad.

I've never learned to play
a musical instrument,

and I've never...

Kissed a girl?

No, not even once.

Huh.

I made you a nice
cup of tea.

I made it just the way
you like it.

Nine sugars
and condensed milk.

Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain
plashed berrizene.

Oh, Mr Shadwell.
You say the nicest things.

I've sent him
into the jaws of doom.

-Who?
-Private Pulsifer.

Aye, he's just a lad.
I let him go alone.

I should have gone with him.

Well, he's just having
a nice day out.

That's unusual.

I'm a bad man and a worse
Witchfinder Sergeant.

I cannot believe
I let him go alone.

I should go to him.

There's a train
to Tadfield.

I can't get there
on my bus pass.

There's not funds
for a train ticket.

Oh, I'll not
travel on the wages

of harlotry
and ghost-raising.

You'll need an extra five pounds
for a sandwich and a coffee.

Wait.

Shouldn't we have dinner
or something first?

Shh. No time.

Well, if you won't
take it from me,

what about one of those
nice men that called?

Mr Crowley
won't give me an advance.

I think he's Mafia.

But the southern pansy
in the bookshop

might be a soft touch.

Aye, he's got money.

Even now, young Pulsifer
could be suffering

unimaginable tortures at the
hands of the Daughters of Night.

I can't imagine
what he's going through.

Aye, we can't leave
our people in there.

They could be doing all manner
of things to him

right this moment.

Well, I don't suppose it'll be
the end of the world

even if they are, Mr S.

But, please, Adam!

We have to go home!

This is your home!
Here, with me!

You don't have to go home
or go to school or anything.

Or do anything you
don't want to do, ever again.

Adam, just stop it!

Shut up!

Just stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

Stop talking! You all have
to stop talking now!

Everybody, stop talking!

Hello.

This is the Principality
Aziraphale.

I'm looking for, erm...

a higher authority.

Is there anybody there?

We're closed!

This really is frightfully
important.

I'm prepared to take this
all the way to the top.

I, erm...

I-I-I need to speak
to the Almighty.

Speak, Aziraphale.

Am I speaking to...

God?

You are speaking
to the Metatron, Aziraphale.

To speak to me
is to speak to God.

I am the voice of the Almighty.

Well, yes. But you are
the voice of the Almighty

in the same way as, erm,
a presidential spokesman

is-is the voice
of the President.

I actually need to speak
directly to God.

What is said to me
is said to the Almighty.

Well, Aziraphale?

I want to complain about
the conduct of a few angels.

But the-the important thing
is the Antichrist.

I know who he is,
I know where he is.

Good work, well done.

So there doesn't need to be any
of that nonsense about, erm,

a third of the seas
turning to blood or anything.

There needn't be a war.
We can save everyone.

The point is not
to avoid the war.

The point is to win it.

Ah.

Erm...

What sort of, er,
initiating event will
precipitate the war?

We thought a multi-nation
nuclear exchange

would be a nice start.

Very imaginative.

The battle commences,
Aziraphale.

-Join us.
-In a jiffy.

Two shakes
of a lamb's tail.

Just a-a couple of things
left to tie up.

We will leave the gateway open
for you, then.

Do not dawdle.

Yes. Jolly...

jolly good.

-Hello. I know where the Anti--
-Hi, this is Anthony Crowley.

You know what to do.
Do it with style.

Well, I know who you are,
you idiot. I telephoned you.

Listen, I know where the Anti--

Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.

- But--
- You foul fiend!

In league with
the forces of darkness!

Sergeant Shadwell?

You monster!

Seducing women
to do your evil will.

Oh, I think perhaps
you've got the wrong shop.

You are possessed by a demon,
and I will exorcise you

with bell, book and candle.

Yes, er, fine.

But, please, keep away
from the circle.

It's-- it's still powered up.

Bell.

I'm honestly not a demon.

I-I don't know what you
think you saw, but--

Book!

Please, you-you-you must
keep away from the circle.

Practically a candle.

Look the circle is on,
and it would be very unwise

for you to step into it
without the proper precaution.

Whatever you think you've seen,

don't cross the circle,
you stupid man!

Evil, returning no more!

Oh...

fuck.

Hello?