Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 4, Episode 5 - Suit Yourself - full transcript
That's 14.
I beg your pardon, but that was my drive, Jerry.
I was referring to the number of golf balls
you've lost.
At this rate,
this rounds going to cost £20 in lost...
Cost, cost, cost!
That's all you think about, sometimes.
Very well.
I suppose I shall have to get myself filthy
looking for the silly thing.
- (Cackling)
- Ohh!
Jerry, there's a man!
All right.
All right, you. Come on out.
Filthy swine!
(Cackling)
Good morning.
What are you doing now?
I'm raping Mother Nature.
Don't be obscene.
If you're found using the course as a rabbit
shoot again, they'll set the dogs on you.
No, no, no, not rabbits this time. Nettles.
Man has needs, nature provides.
Very folksy. What are they for?
These?
Oh, well...
You can use nettles for hundreds of things.
Like what?
Hundreds of things.
He thinks he's being tantalisingly mysterious,
Jerry.
Ignore him.
Don't bother, I found your ball.
Sorry.
Bye.
Aaargh!
Man has needs, nature provides.
I should find yourself some doc leaves.
(Chuckles)
Oh!
- Here?
- No, more.
More.
- Well, here, then?
- No, no, back a little.
No, that's too much!
Oh, really!
Oh, I'll stick a bit back on again.
Jeremy, you know as much
about gardening as...
(Motor chugs)
Barbara.
Hello!
What have they got now?
It looks like some sort of dead animal.
Hello, Barbara.
More of nature's bounty?
Yes, fleeces.
We did a couple of days' hard labour
on this farm,
and the farmer, Mr Greaves,
paid us with these fleeces.
What's the matter with the man?
No, no, we wanted fleeces.
First it's Tom and nettles and now this.
Barbara, what are you doing?
Why, didn't Tom tell you?
No.
Oh.
You can do such a hell of a lot
with nettles and fleeces.
Fancy Tom not telling you!
Bye.
Their secretiveness has fallen absolutely flat
with me, Jerry.
- Good job you're not a cat.
- What do you mean?
You'd be dead with curiosity by now.
(Chuckles)
That rose bush, Jerry, is lopsided.
Don't worry, I'm going to stick a bit back on.
Give me the secateurs.
Lady Macbeth!
Ah. Found it.
Jolly good.
(Mutters) Here we go.
How's my green-armed little monster
coming along?
I hope this washes off.
It turns the wool a nice colour, though.
Yeah, dead contemporary.
I'll put some more dye on now.
When we patent this colour, Tom,
how about calling it Good Green?
- Or Bilious Green.
- (Laughs) Oh, don't.
Now, then, here we go.
Once stung, twice shy.
Now, then, come here, you!
That's got you. Now sting me. Go on, try it!
Get in there! That's it.
Got my doc leaves, too, just in case.
- That's not doc.
- Isn't it?
It worked on the golf course.
Mind you, it took so long to find,
the stinging probably wore off.
And this is the man who says
he must have gypsy blood in him?
Afternoon, Barbara, Tom.
Look out, the council are trying to move me on.
I beg your pardon?
- Nothing.
- Hello, Margo, what can we do for you?
It's the other way round, actually.
I've come to give you the opportunity
of telling me what you've been doing.
It must have been very frustrating for you,
my not rising to your bait over the last few days.
There, Tom, I told you we could never
make Margo go mad with curiosity.
OK, Margo, you win.
Well?
Well, what?
For heaven's sake, what are you two up to?
All right, faynights. Margo, we are making cloth.
We're a cottage industry.
It sounds quaint, but it's probably silly.
Would you care for a tour of the works?
Provided I don't have to touch anything.
God forbid.
As you know, wool comes from a sheep.
You did know that, Margo?
Yes, of course you did.
Now, taking a piece of fleece,
we first of all tease it.
Now, Barbara, the teasing process, please.
Nettle rash.
Nettle rash, yes. Now, are you ready?
One, two...
4 Silly old fleece, silly old fleece
(Blows raspberry)
I think I'll go and listen to some music.
No, don't! Tom, stop messing about.
- Me?
- Yes, show Margo the carding.
Oh, carding, yes. This is very interesting.
These are called carders.
They are not, they are table-tennis bats.
With a difference.
We used to play table tennis
on this kitchen table.
And I got too good for you and you hid them...
- Yes, well...
- _.In your tin box.
- With your soldiers.
- Carding, please.
Observe. Carding, right? Now...
Taking a peace of teased wool,
I place it thus, right?
Now, watch very carefully
because I'm only going to do this once.
There we are, you see, gently does it.
Don't rush it.
There we are. Now, reverse the bats.
With any luck, we'll get a bit off.
There we are. It's fascinating, isn't it?
It takes time but it's fascinating.
Thank you, Barbara. Reverse the bats.
Now watch.
See what I'm doing?
Thus producing a rolag.
What does one do with this rolag?
You spin with it, Margo.
Incidentally, since that spinning wheel
you bought turned out to be a musical box,
you'll be pleased to know
Tom has made his own spindle.
If my spinning wheel had been functional,
I should have been pleased to lend it to you...
- Thank you.
- .provided you'd polished it before returning it.
Stop nattering, girls.
Observe, spinning, ready.
Look at that, look. Look at it.
It's like a one-way yo-yo.
We've got a lot to thank
my Boys' Book Of Knowledge for.
I saw an old Breton peasant do that once, Tom.
Margot, would you like to watch me
dye some wool?
Oh, yes, please, Barbara.
Now, we are using a vegetable dye -
nettles, actually.
The ones that I gathered,
if you remember, Margo. (Cackles)
Isn't she wonderful?
She gathers wool
and works willingly with her hands.
Proverbs 31, I think.
There you are, you see, Margo?
It turns it a lovely greeny colour.
Yes, lovely.
It's wonderful. Did you know you can get yellow
from onion skins and brown from walnut shells?
Always provided, of course,
that you've mordanted your wool first.
I presume that's one of your jokes, Tom.
Or is it just bad grammar?
No, no, no, straight up.
You run the wool through a solution of alum
to make the dye fast - mordanting.
The alum is the only thing we had to pay for.
You've obviously researched
the whole thing thoroughly,
even if it has had the result
of ruining your kitchen.
There's more.
We've ruined our big room as well.
Barbara?
Care to conclude your tour
by passing through to the Arkwright room?
He was a northerner, wasn't he?
Yeah.
Welcome to t'mill, lass.
Oh, a loom!
Did you make this as well, Tom?
Yes, I'm thinking of making a nuclear reactor
tomorrow.
We bought it with some of the profits
of our soft fruit. Would you like a demo?
- Do you mean a demonstration?
- Would you like one?
How fascinating. Yes, please.
They laughed when she sat down to play.
But then she took lessons in night school
and hey presto.
4 Boom-ta-ta-boom
4 Ta-ta boom, ta-boom, boom!
4 Boom, boom, boom, boom-boom
Bravo!
- Not bad, eh?
- Charming!
Perhaps you would make me some,
if you have the time.
What do you think Barbara is making, Margo?
It's a couvert cloth, isn't it?
I do so prefer individual place settings,
don't you?
It's going to be a bit bigger than that.
We intend to make clothes.
- Clothes?
- Anybody home?
In here, Jerry.
Ah!
So that's what all the secrecy was about.
You've formed yourselves into a weaving tong,
have you?
"Good evening, Margo.
Have you had a pleasant day?"
Sorry, darling. Hello.
Would you care for a tour of the works?
No.
Go on, I'll show you how to weave in tune.
Not at the moment.
Darling, the balloon has gone up.
Sir has invited us to dinner at The Fatted Calf.
Only us? What about his other top executives?
- Jerry is a top executive!
- Shut up, Tom, this is serious.
It looks as if old sir is finally going to retire
and name a successor.
Oh, do you think you're going to get it?
It's possible
but we're not the only people invited.
Snetterton and Dalby are in on it too.
Oh. Oh, do let's sit down.
Jerry, what do you think your chances are?
Well, Dalby's no danger.
He has a brilliant mind
but his conversation is nil.
- Apart from the giggling, of course.
- That's just nerves.
Maybe, but you must admit it does make him
socially unacceptable - as does his wife.
Well, that's Dalby out.
What about this Snetterton?
I remember Snhetterton.
A magnificent crawler but nasty with it.
Yes, horrible man.
Do you know what he did at Christmas?
He waited to see what we gave Andrew
then bought something more expensive.
Oh, one of those.
Well, I rather fancy I've got something
up my sleeve to outcrawl him with this time.
You don't crawl, Jerry. You manoeuvre.
Thank you, darling.
I'll just slip that across to him at dinner time.
Have a look, Tom.
What have we here? Hello, look at this.
'Admin and production costs,
personnel breakdowns,
streamlining overheads,
improved input-output ratios..."
What does all that mean?
It's a detailed and costed plan of the way I think
JIM could expand, for the minimum outlay.
I've been working on it for some time at home.
- Get out of that, Snetterton.
- Wretched man.
When they make you managing director, Jerry...
If, if, darling.
If, then. I think your first act should be to fire him.
A touch of the old Caligulas, eh?
The Roman Empire lasted rather a long time,
Barbara.
Not many of the emperors did, though.
Anyway, what is Mrs Snetterton like?
He's not married. He keeps telling Sir
that the only wife he wants is the company.
- Cunning.
- Yes.
I think we'll let the real reason remain unspoken.
He isn't, Margo.
- Lovely touch, lovely touch.
- What's that?
This bit. Listen to this.
"Recouping sufficient funds from the withdrawal
of Luncheon Vouchers to first floor employees
to have made a bust
of the retiring managing director."
I was rather proud of that bit.
Old Sir in bronze in the middle of Reception.
It's a trump card, I don't see how you can fail.
It's a beautifully turned out format.
Thanks.
Perhaps one day,
they'll be making a bust of you, Jerry.
To put in the Rogues Gallery?
I think you confuse roguishness
with expediency, Barbara.
Do l7
Oh, well. Anyway, tell us, Margo.
What are you going to wear for this dinner?
Oh, yes, of course.
I shall need something totally new.
Here we go, chequebooks at the slope.
Barbara, stand in the corner.
No, no, no, Margo's perfectly right.
I shall have to be totally kitted out as well.
What do you fancy, darling?
I don't know. What do you think is right
for this sort of occasion? Long or short?
BOTH: Long.
Maybe a very bright print on wild silk.
No, too flamboyant.
- What about tape silk?
- Tom! This is very serious.
I thinks something like a sort of vivid pink,
rather low-cut, with a swirling cape.
Eh, guv'nor, what are they talking about?
It's a secret language.
It usually turns out all right.
Thank you, Jerry. Maybe if the cape
had pleated layers of chiffon...
No, too flouncy.
I see you in sky-blue velvet
with matching accessories, Jerry.
As long as I can outdo Snetterton in his mohair,
I don't care.
Classic black Jersey silk.
Yes...
or white, with a high neck and long...
No, that'll look too bridal.
Stop, I've got it!
Jerry, put your chequebook away.
Come over here.
Come on. Right.
Stand over there. Face up that way.
Pull yourself together. Right.
Barbara... Write this down, will you, Barbara?
Chest: 108.
Outside arm: 84.
- Inside leg...
- Get off!
3.
I'm sorry, I thought you'd like a suit
made from our special material.
(As tailor) It's nice stuff, beautiful stuff.
Feel that, it's lovely.
I'm off army surplus.
Cheek! That's all from natural sources, that is.
Probably looked better on the sheep.
Put the order book away, Barbara.
He's one of the less discerning members
of the public.
When is this dinner, Jerry?
- Wednesday.
- Oh, you'd have been out of luck, anyway.
I've got to weave Tom a suit first.
- Out of that?
- Yes.
I thought you were joking earlier.
Do you mean you're going to walk around
in a suit made of that?
Yes, I shall look very different.
Well, Robinson Crusoe looked different.
That's not a bad idea, you know.
We might try animal skins next.
- Troglodytes.
- Gracious livers.
No, seriously. Say we get a couple of rabbits.
Wait a couple of weeks, we've got 86.
Ah... a wonderful little woman.
(Whistles)
That's it. Lovely.
How's the soup?
It's different.
Do you like it?
Well, I always say that if my wife takes
the trouble to cook a meal, I should eat it.
But do you like it?
It stinks.
It does, doesn't it?
You see, we had these nettles left over
so I thought we'd try some free soup.
I admire the philosophy, love,
but it doesn't make the soup taste better.
Gypsies say it keeps your blood pure.
What about your taste buds?
Oh, all right. Back to the drawing board.
Sorry.
What's next, hedgehog?
You've guessed!
No, chicken, actually. Olivia.
Chicken Olivia, eh?
I don't think I know that.
No, Olivia was the name of the chicken
I shot this morning with your air pistol.
Oh!
Oh.
Yeah, you're...
You're not so sentimental about murdering
one of our animals, are you?
I am.
I'm just not as bad as you are, that's all.
Yes, well...
She was one of my favourites.
Good evening, Barbara, good evening, Tom.
Sorry, you're eating.
No, come in. It's not ready yet.
We're having roast grass snake.
It takes a while to cook.
I wouldn't put that past you, either.
Well, how do we look?
Magnificent, elegant, superb, rich.
And you look quite nice too, Margo.
Margo, if I didn't know you and saw you
for the first time, I'd say,
"There is the wife of a managing director."
Or I would say, "There is the wife of a man
who's going to be a managing director
and she wasn't being too obvious."
Thank you, Barbara. That's exactly the sort
of balance I was hoping to achieve.
It's wonderful how they understand each other.
Margo, really, you look great.
Care to sit down? I can wash some chairs.
Thank you.
I think we'd better shoot off.
We don't want to be late.
Pity, cos Barbara's just finished my suit.
You could see what the really best-dressed
man about town is wearing.
Well, I'm sure it looks very nice,
Tom... considering.
- How kind!
- Well, you know what I mean.
Check all systems. Petty cash?
- Yes.
- Car keys?
- Yes.
- Hand bag, Margo?
Yes.
Clean underclothes, in case you get run over?
And you were being so nice, too.
And, Jerry, you mustn't forget your format.
Absolutely. Mustn't forget the secret weapon.
Oh, well, good luck, then.
- Thank you, Barbara.
- Good luck, Margo.
Thank you so much. Fingers crossed.
Have a lovely time and don't panic.
- Have a smashing time.
- Bye.
Yeah, very nice.
I don't suppose they'll have any smelly
nettle soup and a roast chicken...
who was called Olivia.
Give in?
Yes, sir.
It's a one-legged dvvan'!
(Sycophantic laughter)
Oh, you're a very witty man, you know that?
Well, I...
He has us in fits at the office sometimes,
don't you, sir?
But you know when to snap into action
when there's work to be done, too, sir.
Absolutely, Snetterton.
- (Laughs)
- Donald!
Don't!
Sorry.
Do you know any more, sir?
Yes, I do, Jerry, but...
Now I'm afraid we're coming to
the serious part of the evening.
I er...
Oh, God, I'm asilly old fool.
- You're not, sir.
- Yes, lam.
Now it comes to it,
I don't really know how to let go.
I'm not sure how you're going to take this.
Well, I'll just come straight out with it.
I shall be retiring from the company
at the end of this month.
- Oh, no!
- Heavens!
How tragic!
It's very good of you to say so, my dear, but...
Well, I'm an old warhorse
and it's about time I put myself out to er...
Stud?
Pasture, Dalby, pasture.
Of course.
I've had a good innings. I've seen JUM grow,
from an ordinary-sized domestic company into...
well, a pretty passable international setup.
Hear hear.
Under your aegis, sir, output has increased
by 200 per cent in eight fiscal years.
Overseas figures show a 52.8 per cent rise...
Yes, very good, Dalby, yes.
But tonight is not the night for figures.
Sorry.
So now the old warhorse just wanted
to say goodbye to his lieutenants,
to his...
to his chums.
How old are you?
Absolutely, Mrs Dalby.
Might I say a few words?
Yes, do, Jerry.
I think I can speak for all of us, sir,
when I say that your announcement tonight
has come as quite a shock.
Hear hear.
But if it must be, then it must be.
And I know that I can speak for everyone at JJM,
from those persons down on despatch
to ourselves on the sixth floor,
when I say that you will be a great loss.
- A ship without a captain, Jerry.
- Absolutely, sir.
Well, bless you, my dear.
(Clears throat)
Donald would like to propose a toast.
Donald?
Eh? Oh, yes.
Well, gentlemen...
(Laughs nervously) ..and ladies, of course.
Will you raise your glasses...
Oh, dear.
I haven't anything in mine.
Waiter?
I think what Dalby's trying to say, sir, is...
Good luck, good health,
and many happy years
of well-earned retirement.
And if I may add a personal note, sir,
may I say that I think you've deserved
every last second of it?
To you, sir.
More affection, Mr Snetterton, more affection.
To Andrew.
To... To Andy.
Even without a drink.
Don't, Donald!
Well, you're all very kind.
And now we come to the future.
Who is going to be
JIM's next captain of the ship?
Well, this is all so sudden. I shouldn't think
anyone here's given it a moment's thought.
We hadn't, had we, Jerry?
No, darling.
Even so, it has to be faced, Margo.
Even without me, life must go on.
And [ think we're all intelligent enough to realise
that by inviting you here tonight,
my successor is going to be one of you.
Setting emotion aside for one moment,
yes, I think we are intelligent enough,
otherwise we shouldn't be here, should we?
Vintage Snetterton, eh, Snetterton?
I'm afraid people have to take me
as they find me, sir.
We certainly always have, Mr Snetterton.
Here's the rub.
L'shall not be announcing my successor
until the last moment before I leave.
He who replaces me is going to have to be
absolutely the right chap.
Hear hear, sir.
Quite unfair, but snap question.
What makes you think you've got what it takes?
Snetterton?
When you interviewed me, sir,
first time,
back in 71, I believe, I expect you...
(Spoon tapping)
You said to me...
You said, "Young man," you said,
"What do you want of JUM?"
Do you remember my answer, sir?
Well...
I said, "I want your job."
Yes, I did, but I wasn't saying that
as a megalomaniac.
Oh, no, no, no.
I want your job because
I believe in this company.
I think I can maintain the high standards...
that you have set.
Attack, eh, Snetty?
I've always admired your attack.
Very good, indeed.
- Except...
- Leadbetter.
With respect, Snetterton,
you've only dealt with half of it.
The future, Andrew said.
Good gracious, I believe all of us here realise
what a healthy state this company's in
and to whom that good health is due.
But picture, if you will, some time in the future.
Andrew is sitting in his garden, perhaps,
just having completed the Times crossword.
Suddenly he thinks of JJM.
Don't you think he'd be happier to think of
our doing even bigger and better things?
I know. I'm for expansion.
That's what I would do if I were chosen.
Very well said, Jerry.
And with that end in mind, sir,
I have prepared a format of ..
Format of what?
Of the expansion of the company, sir.
Yeah?
Well, let's have it, then.
Ah...
No, no. No. No, fair dos.
Let Dalby have his initial say first.
Very well. Dalby?
Could I have my pocket calculator,
please, dear?
- What is it?
- I haven't got the format. I must have dropped it.
- Where?
- I don't know.
Well, as I see it sir...
it's a question of mathematics.
Assume we take as a... (Coughs) ..premise...
(Coughs)
Piece of lettuce.
Oh, give him some water.
He's having a coughing fit.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
You dropped it in our garden, you daft penguin.
- Tom, Barbara, thank you so much.
- Have you blown it yet?
I'm playing for time.
Dalby's having a coughing fit.
Give us our taxi fare here and back
and we'll shove off.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
He's still coughing his head off in there.
Good Lord!
It's Tim, isn't it?
Yes, that's right. Tom.
- And er...
- Fatima.
Fatima! Of course, yes.
Just having a night out, are you, chum eh?
No, not really, no.
We just came along to er...
Well, you know, erm...
- Oh, my God!
- Are you all right, sir?
Do you hear what Ted said?
He said...
they just came along.
And here's a man who doesn't even
work for the company any more.
They just came along to wish me a...
happy retirement.
That's Ted for you, sir.
Well...
Well, I couldn't have been such an ogre,
could I, eh, what?
Not if you two want to come out
on a night like this,
just to wish me all the best.
You never were an ogre, Andy,
more like a cuddly toy.
Cuddly toy?
All the best, Andy, have a really great
retirement. Come on, Barbara.
No, no, no.
There's no "just coming along" with me.
You come in and have a drink.
No, honestly, we just came along.
You come in and have a drink!
And that's an order.
And how are your gumboils these days,
Mr Snhetterton?
They're much better, thank you.
I'm so glad.
I do think oral hygiene is so important
in an aspiring managing director, don't you?
Well, now, look who's turned up!
How wonderful.
Hello, Good. I thought you were dead.
Well, you'd know more about that than me,
Snetty.
Watch it, Snetty.
You don't want to cross swords with this one,
you know.
I tried it once,
and even I had to concede a draw.
You came into my office two years ago
and you said to me,
"Sir... I'm going to leave you
and try my hand at self-sufficiency."
You're too good a man to lose. I said, "No."
Remember?
- Yes, I remember.
- You weren't there, Jerry.
Ah, no, no, but...
l remember Tom telling me, didn't you, Tom?
Yes, that's right, I did.
It was like two giant wills locked in combat.
With this one?
You've always had a strong will,
haven't you, Tim?
Not half.
I don't mind telling you gentlemen
round this table tonight,
that if Tim were still with JUM,
you'd be hard put to it to stop him
succeeding me.
You're looking at the kind of chap I like.
The kind of chap with a style of his own.
Come on, Tim, take your coat off.
Good God!
I beg your pardon, but that was my drive, Jerry.
I was referring to the number of golf balls
you've lost.
At this rate,
this rounds going to cost £20 in lost...
Cost, cost, cost!
That's all you think about, sometimes.
Very well.
I suppose I shall have to get myself filthy
looking for the silly thing.
- (Cackling)
- Ohh!
Jerry, there's a man!
All right.
All right, you. Come on out.
Filthy swine!
(Cackling)
Good morning.
What are you doing now?
I'm raping Mother Nature.
Don't be obscene.
If you're found using the course as a rabbit
shoot again, they'll set the dogs on you.
No, no, no, not rabbits this time. Nettles.
Man has needs, nature provides.
Very folksy. What are they for?
These?
Oh, well...
You can use nettles for hundreds of things.
Like what?
Hundreds of things.
He thinks he's being tantalisingly mysterious,
Jerry.
Ignore him.
Don't bother, I found your ball.
Sorry.
Bye.
Aaargh!
Man has needs, nature provides.
I should find yourself some doc leaves.
(Chuckles)
Oh!
- Here?
- No, more.
More.
- Well, here, then?
- No, no, back a little.
No, that's too much!
Oh, really!
Oh, I'll stick a bit back on again.
Jeremy, you know as much
about gardening as...
(Motor chugs)
Barbara.
Hello!
What have they got now?
It looks like some sort of dead animal.
Hello, Barbara.
More of nature's bounty?
Yes, fleeces.
We did a couple of days' hard labour
on this farm,
and the farmer, Mr Greaves,
paid us with these fleeces.
What's the matter with the man?
No, no, we wanted fleeces.
First it's Tom and nettles and now this.
Barbara, what are you doing?
Why, didn't Tom tell you?
No.
Oh.
You can do such a hell of a lot
with nettles and fleeces.
Fancy Tom not telling you!
Bye.
Their secretiveness has fallen absolutely flat
with me, Jerry.
- Good job you're not a cat.
- What do you mean?
You'd be dead with curiosity by now.
(Chuckles)
That rose bush, Jerry, is lopsided.
Don't worry, I'm going to stick a bit back on.
Give me the secateurs.
Lady Macbeth!
Ah. Found it.
Jolly good.
(Mutters) Here we go.
How's my green-armed little monster
coming along?
I hope this washes off.
It turns the wool a nice colour, though.
Yeah, dead contemporary.
I'll put some more dye on now.
When we patent this colour, Tom,
how about calling it Good Green?
- Or Bilious Green.
- (Laughs) Oh, don't.
Now, then, here we go.
Once stung, twice shy.
Now, then, come here, you!
That's got you. Now sting me. Go on, try it!
Get in there! That's it.
Got my doc leaves, too, just in case.
- That's not doc.
- Isn't it?
It worked on the golf course.
Mind you, it took so long to find,
the stinging probably wore off.
And this is the man who says
he must have gypsy blood in him?
Afternoon, Barbara, Tom.
Look out, the council are trying to move me on.
I beg your pardon?
- Nothing.
- Hello, Margo, what can we do for you?
It's the other way round, actually.
I've come to give you the opportunity
of telling me what you've been doing.
It must have been very frustrating for you,
my not rising to your bait over the last few days.
There, Tom, I told you we could never
make Margo go mad with curiosity.
OK, Margo, you win.
Well?
Well, what?
For heaven's sake, what are you two up to?
All right, faynights. Margo, we are making cloth.
We're a cottage industry.
It sounds quaint, but it's probably silly.
Would you care for a tour of the works?
Provided I don't have to touch anything.
God forbid.
As you know, wool comes from a sheep.
You did know that, Margo?
Yes, of course you did.
Now, taking a piece of fleece,
we first of all tease it.
Now, Barbara, the teasing process, please.
Nettle rash.
Nettle rash, yes. Now, are you ready?
One, two...
4 Silly old fleece, silly old fleece
(Blows raspberry)
I think I'll go and listen to some music.
No, don't! Tom, stop messing about.
- Me?
- Yes, show Margo the carding.
Oh, carding, yes. This is very interesting.
These are called carders.
They are not, they are table-tennis bats.
With a difference.
We used to play table tennis
on this kitchen table.
And I got too good for you and you hid them...
- Yes, well...
- _.In your tin box.
- With your soldiers.
- Carding, please.
Observe. Carding, right? Now...
Taking a peace of teased wool,
I place it thus, right?
Now, watch very carefully
because I'm only going to do this once.
There we are, you see, gently does it.
Don't rush it.
There we are. Now, reverse the bats.
With any luck, we'll get a bit off.
There we are. It's fascinating, isn't it?
It takes time but it's fascinating.
Thank you, Barbara. Reverse the bats.
Now watch.
See what I'm doing?
Thus producing a rolag.
What does one do with this rolag?
You spin with it, Margo.
Incidentally, since that spinning wheel
you bought turned out to be a musical box,
you'll be pleased to know
Tom has made his own spindle.
If my spinning wheel had been functional,
I should have been pleased to lend it to you...
- Thank you.
- .provided you'd polished it before returning it.
Stop nattering, girls.
Observe, spinning, ready.
Look at that, look. Look at it.
It's like a one-way yo-yo.
We've got a lot to thank
my Boys' Book Of Knowledge for.
I saw an old Breton peasant do that once, Tom.
Margot, would you like to watch me
dye some wool?
Oh, yes, please, Barbara.
Now, we are using a vegetable dye -
nettles, actually.
The ones that I gathered,
if you remember, Margo. (Cackles)
Isn't she wonderful?
She gathers wool
and works willingly with her hands.
Proverbs 31, I think.
There you are, you see, Margo?
It turns it a lovely greeny colour.
Yes, lovely.
It's wonderful. Did you know you can get yellow
from onion skins and brown from walnut shells?
Always provided, of course,
that you've mordanted your wool first.
I presume that's one of your jokes, Tom.
Or is it just bad grammar?
No, no, no, straight up.
You run the wool through a solution of alum
to make the dye fast - mordanting.
The alum is the only thing we had to pay for.
You've obviously researched
the whole thing thoroughly,
even if it has had the result
of ruining your kitchen.
There's more.
We've ruined our big room as well.
Barbara?
Care to conclude your tour
by passing through to the Arkwright room?
He was a northerner, wasn't he?
Yeah.
Welcome to t'mill, lass.
Oh, a loom!
Did you make this as well, Tom?
Yes, I'm thinking of making a nuclear reactor
tomorrow.
We bought it with some of the profits
of our soft fruit. Would you like a demo?
- Do you mean a demonstration?
- Would you like one?
How fascinating. Yes, please.
They laughed when she sat down to play.
But then she took lessons in night school
and hey presto.
4 Boom-ta-ta-boom
4 Ta-ta boom, ta-boom, boom!
4 Boom, boom, boom, boom-boom
Bravo!
- Not bad, eh?
- Charming!
Perhaps you would make me some,
if you have the time.
What do you think Barbara is making, Margo?
It's a couvert cloth, isn't it?
I do so prefer individual place settings,
don't you?
It's going to be a bit bigger than that.
We intend to make clothes.
- Clothes?
- Anybody home?
In here, Jerry.
Ah!
So that's what all the secrecy was about.
You've formed yourselves into a weaving tong,
have you?
"Good evening, Margo.
Have you had a pleasant day?"
Sorry, darling. Hello.
Would you care for a tour of the works?
No.
Go on, I'll show you how to weave in tune.
Not at the moment.
Darling, the balloon has gone up.
Sir has invited us to dinner at The Fatted Calf.
Only us? What about his other top executives?
- Jerry is a top executive!
- Shut up, Tom, this is serious.
It looks as if old sir is finally going to retire
and name a successor.
Oh, do you think you're going to get it?
It's possible
but we're not the only people invited.
Snetterton and Dalby are in on it too.
Oh. Oh, do let's sit down.
Jerry, what do you think your chances are?
Well, Dalby's no danger.
He has a brilliant mind
but his conversation is nil.
- Apart from the giggling, of course.
- That's just nerves.
Maybe, but you must admit it does make him
socially unacceptable - as does his wife.
Well, that's Dalby out.
What about this Snetterton?
I remember Snhetterton.
A magnificent crawler but nasty with it.
Yes, horrible man.
Do you know what he did at Christmas?
He waited to see what we gave Andrew
then bought something more expensive.
Oh, one of those.
Well, I rather fancy I've got something
up my sleeve to outcrawl him with this time.
You don't crawl, Jerry. You manoeuvre.
Thank you, darling.
I'll just slip that across to him at dinner time.
Have a look, Tom.
What have we here? Hello, look at this.
'Admin and production costs,
personnel breakdowns,
streamlining overheads,
improved input-output ratios..."
What does all that mean?
It's a detailed and costed plan of the way I think
JIM could expand, for the minimum outlay.
I've been working on it for some time at home.
- Get out of that, Snetterton.
- Wretched man.
When they make you managing director, Jerry...
If, if, darling.
If, then. I think your first act should be to fire him.
A touch of the old Caligulas, eh?
The Roman Empire lasted rather a long time,
Barbara.
Not many of the emperors did, though.
Anyway, what is Mrs Snetterton like?
He's not married. He keeps telling Sir
that the only wife he wants is the company.
- Cunning.
- Yes.
I think we'll let the real reason remain unspoken.
He isn't, Margo.
- Lovely touch, lovely touch.
- What's that?
This bit. Listen to this.
"Recouping sufficient funds from the withdrawal
of Luncheon Vouchers to first floor employees
to have made a bust
of the retiring managing director."
I was rather proud of that bit.
Old Sir in bronze in the middle of Reception.
It's a trump card, I don't see how you can fail.
It's a beautifully turned out format.
Thanks.
Perhaps one day,
they'll be making a bust of you, Jerry.
To put in the Rogues Gallery?
I think you confuse roguishness
with expediency, Barbara.
Do l7
Oh, well. Anyway, tell us, Margo.
What are you going to wear for this dinner?
Oh, yes, of course.
I shall need something totally new.
Here we go, chequebooks at the slope.
Barbara, stand in the corner.
No, no, no, Margo's perfectly right.
I shall have to be totally kitted out as well.
What do you fancy, darling?
I don't know. What do you think is right
for this sort of occasion? Long or short?
BOTH: Long.
Maybe a very bright print on wild silk.
No, too flamboyant.
- What about tape silk?
- Tom! This is very serious.
I thinks something like a sort of vivid pink,
rather low-cut, with a swirling cape.
Eh, guv'nor, what are they talking about?
It's a secret language.
It usually turns out all right.
Thank you, Jerry. Maybe if the cape
had pleated layers of chiffon...
No, too flouncy.
I see you in sky-blue velvet
with matching accessories, Jerry.
As long as I can outdo Snetterton in his mohair,
I don't care.
Classic black Jersey silk.
Yes...
or white, with a high neck and long...
No, that'll look too bridal.
Stop, I've got it!
Jerry, put your chequebook away.
Come over here.
Come on. Right.
Stand over there. Face up that way.
Pull yourself together. Right.
Barbara... Write this down, will you, Barbara?
Chest: 108.
Outside arm: 84.
- Inside leg...
- Get off!
3.
I'm sorry, I thought you'd like a suit
made from our special material.
(As tailor) It's nice stuff, beautiful stuff.
Feel that, it's lovely.
I'm off army surplus.
Cheek! That's all from natural sources, that is.
Probably looked better on the sheep.
Put the order book away, Barbara.
He's one of the less discerning members
of the public.
When is this dinner, Jerry?
- Wednesday.
- Oh, you'd have been out of luck, anyway.
I've got to weave Tom a suit first.
- Out of that?
- Yes.
I thought you were joking earlier.
Do you mean you're going to walk around
in a suit made of that?
Yes, I shall look very different.
Well, Robinson Crusoe looked different.
That's not a bad idea, you know.
We might try animal skins next.
- Troglodytes.
- Gracious livers.
No, seriously. Say we get a couple of rabbits.
Wait a couple of weeks, we've got 86.
Ah... a wonderful little woman.
(Whistles)
That's it. Lovely.
How's the soup?
It's different.
Do you like it?
Well, I always say that if my wife takes
the trouble to cook a meal, I should eat it.
But do you like it?
It stinks.
It does, doesn't it?
You see, we had these nettles left over
so I thought we'd try some free soup.
I admire the philosophy, love,
but it doesn't make the soup taste better.
Gypsies say it keeps your blood pure.
What about your taste buds?
Oh, all right. Back to the drawing board.
Sorry.
What's next, hedgehog?
You've guessed!
No, chicken, actually. Olivia.
Chicken Olivia, eh?
I don't think I know that.
No, Olivia was the name of the chicken
I shot this morning with your air pistol.
Oh!
Oh.
Yeah, you're...
You're not so sentimental about murdering
one of our animals, are you?
I am.
I'm just not as bad as you are, that's all.
Yes, well...
She was one of my favourites.
Good evening, Barbara, good evening, Tom.
Sorry, you're eating.
No, come in. It's not ready yet.
We're having roast grass snake.
It takes a while to cook.
I wouldn't put that past you, either.
Well, how do we look?
Magnificent, elegant, superb, rich.
And you look quite nice too, Margo.
Margo, if I didn't know you and saw you
for the first time, I'd say,
"There is the wife of a managing director."
Or I would say, "There is the wife of a man
who's going to be a managing director
and she wasn't being too obvious."
Thank you, Barbara. That's exactly the sort
of balance I was hoping to achieve.
It's wonderful how they understand each other.
Margo, really, you look great.
Care to sit down? I can wash some chairs.
Thank you.
I think we'd better shoot off.
We don't want to be late.
Pity, cos Barbara's just finished my suit.
You could see what the really best-dressed
man about town is wearing.
Well, I'm sure it looks very nice,
Tom... considering.
- How kind!
- Well, you know what I mean.
Check all systems. Petty cash?
- Yes.
- Car keys?
- Yes.
- Hand bag, Margo?
Yes.
Clean underclothes, in case you get run over?
And you were being so nice, too.
And, Jerry, you mustn't forget your format.
Absolutely. Mustn't forget the secret weapon.
Oh, well, good luck, then.
- Thank you, Barbara.
- Good luck, Margo.
Thank you so much. Fingers crossed.
Have a lovely time and don't panic.
- Have a smashing time.
- Bye.
Yeah, very nice.
I don't suppose they'll have any smelly
nettle soup and a roast chicken...
who was called Olivia.
Give in?
Yes, sir.
It's a one-legged dvvan'!
(Sycophantic laughter)
Oh, you're a very witty man, you know that?
Well, I...
He has us in fits at the office sometimes,
don't you, sir?
But you know when to snap into action
when there's work to be done, too, sir.
Absolutely, Snetterton.
- (Laughs)
- Donald!
Don't!
Sorry.
Do you know any more, sir?
Yes, I do, Jerry, but...
Now I'm afraid we're coming to
the serious part of the evening.
I er...
Oh, God, I'm asilly old fool.
- You're not, sir.
- Yes, lam.
Now it comes to it,
I don't really know how to let go.
I'm not sure how you're going to take this.
Well, I'll just come straight out with it.
I shall be retiring from the company
at the end of this month.
- Oh, no!
- Heavens!
How tragic!
It's very good of you to say so, my dear, but...
Well, I'm an old warhorse
and it's about time I put myself out to er...
Stud?
Pasture, Dalby, pasture.
Of course.
I've had a good innings. I've seen JUM grow,
from an ordinary-sized domestic company into...
well, a pretty passable international setup.
Hear hear.
Under your aegis, sir, output has increased
by 200 per cent in eight fiscal years.
Overseas figures show a 52.8 per cent rise...
Yes, very good, Dalby, yes.
But tonight is not the night for figures.
Sorry.
So now the old warhorse just wanted
to say goodbye to his lieutenants,
to his...
to his chums.
How old are you?
Absolutely, Mrs Dalby.
Might I say a few words?
Yes, do, Jerry.
I think I can speak for all of us, sir,
when I say that your announcement tonight
has come as quite a shock.
Hear hear.
But if it must be, then it must be.
And I know that I can speak for everyone at JJM,
from those persons down on despatch
to ourselves on the sixth floor,
when I say that you will be a great loss.
- A ship without a captain, Jerry.
- Absolutely, sir.
Well, bless you, my dear.
(Clears throat)
Donald would like to propose a toast.
Donald?
Eh? Oh, yes.
Well, gentlemen...
(Laughs nervously) ..and ladies, of course.
Will you raise your glasses...
Oh, dear.
I haven't anything in mine.
Waiter?
I think what Dalby's trying to say, sir, is...
Good luck, good health,
and many happy years
of well-earned retirement.
And if I may add a personal note, sir,
may I say that I think you've deserved
every last second of it?
To you, sir.
More affection, Mr Snetterton, more affection.
To Andrew.
To... To Andy.
Even without a drink.
Don't, Donald!
Well, you're all very kind.
And now we come to the future.
Who is going to be
JIM's next captain of the ship?
Well, this is all so sudden. I shouldn't think
anyone here's given it a moment's thought.
We hadn't, had we, Jerry?
No, darling.
Even so, it has to be faced, Margo.
Even without me, life must go on.
And [ think we're all intelligent enough to realise
that by inviting you here tonight,
my successor is going to be one of you.
Setting emotion aside for one moment,
yes, I think we are intelligent enough,
otherwise we shouldn't be here, should we?
Vintage Snetterton, eh, Snetterton?
I'm afraid people have to take me
as they find me, sir.
We certainly always have, Mr Snetterton.
Here's the rub.
L'shall not be announcing my successor
until the last moment before I leave.
He who replaces me is going to have to be
absolutely the right chap.
Hear hear, sir.
Quite unfair, but snap question.
What makes you think you've got what it takes?
Snetterton?
When you interviewed me, sir,
first time,
back in 71, I believe, I expect you...
(Spoon tapping)
You said to me...
You said, "Young man," you said,
"What do you want of JUM?"
Do you remember my answer, sir?
Well...
I said, "I want your job."
Yes, I did, but I wasn't saying that
as a megalomaniac.
Oh, no, no, no.
I want your job because
I believe in this company.
I think I can maintain the high standards...
that you have set.
Attack, eh, Snetty?
I've always admired your attack.
Very good, indeed.
- Except...
- Leadbetter.
With respect, Snetterton,
you've only dealt with half of it.
The future, Andrew said.
Good gracious, I believe all of us here realise
what a healthy state this company's in
and to whom that good health is due.
But picture, if you will, some time in the future.
Andrew is sitting in his garden, perhaps,
just having completed the Times crossword.
Suddenly he thinks of JJM.
Don't you think he'd be happier to think of
our doing even bigger and better things?
I know. I'm for expansion.
That's what I would do if I were chosen.
Very well said, Jerry.
And with that end in mind, sir,
I have prepared a format of ..
Format of what?
Of the expansion of the company, sir.
Yeah?
Well, let's have it, then.
Ah...
No, no. No. No, fair dos.
Let Dalby have his initial say first.
Very well. Dalby?
Could I have my pocket calculator,
please, dear?
- What is it?
- I haven't got the format. I must have dropped it.
- Where?
- I don't know.
Well, as I see it sir...
it's a question of mathematics.
Assume we take as a... (Coughs) ..premise...
(Coughs)
Piece of lettuce.
Oh, give him some water.
He's having a coughing fit.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
You dropped it in our garden, you daft penguin.
- Tom, Barbara, thank you so much.
- Have you blown it yet?
I'm playing for time.
Dalby's having a coughing fit.
Give us our taxi fare here and back
and we'll shove off.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
He's still coughing his head off in there.
Good Lord!
It's Tim, isn't it?
Yes, that's right. Tom.
- And er...
- Fatima.
Fatima! Of course, yes.
Just having a night out, are you, chum eh?
No, not really, no.
We just came along to er...
Well, you know, erm...
- Oh, my God!
- Are you all right, sir?
Do you hear what Ted said?
He said...
they just came along.
And here's a man who doesn't even
work for the company any more.
They just came along to wish me a...
happy retirement.
That's Ted for you, sir.
Well...
Well, I couldn't have been such an ogre,
could I, eh, what?
Not if you two want to come out
on a night like this,
just to wish me all the best.
You never were an ogre, Andy,
more like a cuddly toy.
Cuddly toy?
All the best, Andy, have a really great
retirement. Come on, Barbara.
No, no, no.
There's no "just coming along" with me.
You come in and have a drink.
No, honestly, we just came along.
You come in and have a drink!
And that's an order.
And how are your gumboils these days,
Mr Snhetterton?
They're much better, thank you.
I'm so glad.
I do think oral hygiene is so important
in an aspiring managing director, don't you?
Well, now, look who's turned up!
How wonderful.
Hello, Good. I thought you were dead.
Well, you'd know more about that than me,
Snetty.
Watch it, Snetty.
You don't want to cross swords with this one,
you know.
I tried it once,
and even I had to concede a draw.
You came into my office two years ago
and you said to me,
"Sir... I'm going to leave you
and try my hand at self-sufficiency."
You're too good a man to lose. I said, "No."
Remember?
- Yes, I remember.
- You weren't there, Jerry.
Ah, no, no, but...
l remember Tom telling me, didn't you, Tom?
Yes, that's right, I did.
It was like two giant wills locked in combat.
With this one?
You've always had a strong will,
haven't you, Tim?
Not half.
I don't mind telling you gentlemen
round this table tonight,
that if Tim were still with JUM,
you'd be hard put to it to stop him
succeeding me.
You're looking at the kind of chap I like.
The kind of chap with a style of his own.
Come on, Tim, take your coat off.
Good God!