Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Weaver's Tale - full transcript
With the ten pound profit they have made from selling produce the Goods go to Dorking with Margo and Tom buys a loom with which to make their clothes. Margo buys a spinning wheel but purely for decoration. When Jerry questions Barbara about Margo's extravagance he finds out about the spinning wheel,which leads to a rift between him and his wife.
Gosh, your legs are getting hairy!
Ha, ha, ha!
(Chuckles)
That's my jersey you're cutting up!
Well, let's face it, it's not functioning as a jersey.
It's more like an old string vest.
- I liked it!
- Well, this is far more practical.
But... you're hacking it to pieces!
I'm not. These are my knee warmers
for the cold weather,
and I'm going to wear the top as a tabard.
- You'll need something underneath it.
- Yes, Tom.
Well, I suppose that is quite a good idea, really.
I saw it on Blue Peter
when I was round at Margo's the other day.
You see, the trouble is, these television people
never think the thing through.
Where you've cut the stitches,
it's just going to unravel.
- You bind the edges.
- Ah.
It hasn't got any feet to them either.
- Go away.
- All right, all right.
Only I was going to fly you down to Rio
for a wild and wonderful weekend.
What on? Hot air?
No, kid, money. Greenbacks. Moola.
- The soft fruits?
- Our soft fruit ship came in to the tune of £195!
We won! Oh, we actually won at something!
- And we deserve every penny of it.
- Oh, that is a weight off my mind!
- Oh, Tom! If that lot had failed...
- Ah, but it didn't.
Now, I suggest we charter a private jet.
That's the only way to go to Rio.
Now, that's a year's rates...
Then we'll take a suite.
No, a whole floor. Don't want to muck about.
.Water rates,
the petrol for a year for the cart,
tax, and the insurance for the same.
A new pair of shoes each.
We've got to have those.
OK. Now that leaves us...
- with a £10 float!
I wanted to go to Rio.
Next year.
Yes, yes, next year. Anyway, I despise money.
I wouldn't despise it too much.
It's got us off several hooks all at once
and we've got a £10 float!
Tom, it's ages
since we've had as much as £10 in the kitty.
Let's buy you something.
If we spend that, when we spend that,
it will be on something that we really need.
Quite right, quite right.
You're a wonderful little manager, Barbara.
Boring, but wonderful.
Stocking tops?
- On the other hand, perhaps not.
- (Doorbell)
I thought that sort of thing
only happened in films.
Hello, Tom. I'd like a word with Barbara, please.
- Yes, Margo, she's in the big room.
- Thank you.
- Hello, Barbara. May I beg a favour?
- Yes, of course.
Oh, Barbara,
you didn't take Blue Peter seriously.
- Oh, they're only for ballet practice.
- If only they were.
- What's the favour?
- Ah, yes.
I wonder, would you keep an eye open
for the television repairman?
- Hello!
- Would you?
- Certainly.
- If you'd be good enough to let him in,
and stand over him whilst he's doing
whatever it is they do. I don't trust tradesmen.
I would have supervised him myself
but I'm going shopping in Dorking.
Dorking, Tom!
- Oh, yes!
- What?
How would you like a nice companion
on your journey?
If that means you, I wouldn't.
But I'd make him wash his hands
and comb his hair with water.
Why should you want to go to Dorking anyway?
Well, I can pick up some chicken feed.
If you think you're using my car
as some sort of farm wagon...
No, no, no, no no.
It comes in nice, clean paper sacks. Honestly.
You see, I'd go with Tom in our cart,
but I have this television man to look out for.
Oh, very well.
You use me, you two. You know that, don't you?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll be good, honestly. I'll be good.
You do your shopping, I'll do mine, we'll have
a coffee in the Wimpy and straight home.
We will have a pot of tea
in the Tudor Tea Rooms.
No, forget the tea, we'll come straight home.
- Are you ready?
- Yes, Margo.
Now, do as you're told.
Don't keep asking for sweets.
And hold hands nicely.
Don't be silly, Tom!
MARGO: And don't do that, either!
MARGO: Yes, it's very charming indeed.
Very charming.
What do you want with a spinning wheel?
It would look terribly right
in the corner of the drawing room.
Yes, I want it.
- It hasn't got a price tag on it.
- I should hope not.
- Let me come in and haggle for you.
- Certainly not.
If you want to haggle,
go and haggle over your chicken feed.
(Shop bell)
(Mouths) Go away!
(Mouths)
(Shop bell)
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
- What have you got there, then?
- Chicken feed.
Chicken feed? What, two sacks?
(Sharp intake of breath)
Ooh, there's not much call for that.
17 and 6, top offer.
No, no, I'm not selling.
I might want to buy something.
Oh, I see.
Oh, well, you've got me over a barrel there.
- Why?
- Well, he's not here. He's up the other shop.
Oh. Then why should you offer to buy
two sacks of chicken feed, then?
Well, that's his instructions. "Stock, Ernie",
that's what he's always saying to me.
"When you've got stock,
you're buffered from life."
- It's certainly true around here, isn't it?
- To a degree.
Trouble is, the stock's taken over.
Do you know
I had my own personal gas ring once?
Somewhere under that lot now.
Oh, so if I was to buy something,
it would increase your floor space.
It's a lovely thought,
but he's not here, that's the trouble.
Does he have to be here?
Oh, no. I've got full powers.
It's just that I don't like doing any actual selling
when he's up the other shop.
Well, why don't you go up the other shop
and get him?
What, and bust in on that lot?
Corl She'd go mad.
Look, I tell you what. I'll show you what I want
and we'll take it from there, eh?
- I'm game.
- Right.
- It's the loom.
- The loom. Yeah.
- Could you...?
- Yeah, sure, sure. Right.
Ta.
This one?
No. The loom.
Yeah.
Could you point?
There. That.
Oh, right. I didn't know he'd got that.
That must have come in when the ginger bloke
was here. Before me, you see.
- Could I have a closer look?
- Oh, certainly, yeah.
Ah, well, it's er... it's all there.
It seems to be in working order.
- Well, he could tell you that.
- Only he's up the other shop, I know.
- What do you want to do with it, then?
- Well, I want to weave.
A friend of mine's got a spinning wheel,
and when I saw this, two and two made four.
Well, he'll be in Thursday morning.
Ah, yeah, but I mean you've got full powers.
You said so.
- Well, it's true...
- Well, then, live dangerously. Sell something.
Shall 17?
- It might be one up against her, mightn't it?
- Oh, I doubt it.
She's Yugoslavian, you see.
- Well, even so...
- Yeah, yeah, you've got a point.
Now look, I'll make it easy.
I'll name a price, and that'll be it
because I'm a one-price man.
Right, here we go, then.
- Ten quid.
- Done.
- Now, then, that wasn't too painful, was it?
- No.
I was only gonna ask eight.
Oh, er... yes. Well, that's got to include delivery.
Does it? Oh, I see.
Well, where do you live, then?
- Surbiton.
- Oh, that's no trouble. I go past there in the van.
Great, great. Now, get my money.
There we are, 10.
Now... Ah, here we go. I'll just give you
the address. Now, um... about what time?
- Will eight be all right?
- Fine.
- Lovely, lovely.
- Lovely, lovely.
- Right, cheerio.
- Ta.
You know, I shall bless the day
that you come into this shop.
- What, your sales breakthrough, you mean?
- No.
I mean coming back here.
I've spotted the tube to my gas ring.
Oh, good. Very good. All you've got to do now
is find the kettle and you can have a cup of tea.
(Door slams)
- Hello, Barbara.
- Hello, Jerry.
What are you doing home? You should be
stuck on London Bridge at this time of day.
Oh, I packed up at four.
I've had about enough for today, I really have.
Is that wise?
What about currying favour with sir?
No, I did that this morning.
Look, do you know where Margo is?
I gave her my keys today, I can't get in.
Yes, here they are.
She's gone shopping.
(Jerry sighs deeply)
I wish I was on London Bridge now.
I wouldn't have heard that news for half an hour.
- Never mind, she may not buy anything.
- The sun might not come up tomorrow.
Do you know, she cost me £38
last time she went shopping?
A silver cigarette holder.
For evening wear.
- Hallmarked?
- Oh, had to be.
No wonder I have to get my chequebooks
two at a time.
- You're too easy with her.
- Maybe I am.
I feel like that little boy with his finger in the dyke.
As fast as I plug up one hole,
she bursts out through another.
You're not like that.
I don't get the chance, Jerry.
We don't have any money.
The way Margo spends mine,
you'd think I printed it.
- It's no good complaining to me about it.
- I know. I like complaining to you, though.
Oh, don't be silly. Anyway, I told you
what to do before and you chickened out.
I'll tell you once again and then it's up to you.
You have to put your foot down.
Say "Margo, this has got to stop."
- Yes, I know. But that'd mean I'd have to say...
- "Margo, this has got to stop", yes.
Yes.
- You might even be surprised by her response.
- No, I don't think I would.
Look, I'll tell you something, Jerry.
Now this is a trade secret.
But if "no" is said in the right way,
at the right time, about the right thing,
a woman, she can respect it.
She can even quite like it.
- Are you sure?
- Well, am a woman, Jerry.
- Yes, yes, I know that.
- I mean, speaking personally,
when Tom is firm with me, really fair but firm,
I go quite weak at the knees.
Jerry?
- Yes?
- And he'll be home in a minute.
Sorry. But you're not Margo.
No, I know I'm not,
but I'm not complaining about her spending.
You're quite right, of course.
- Well?
- Yes.
Thank you very much.
No, I meant,
well, are you going to do anything about it?
Yes. Damn it all!
About time she realised
I'm not just a slot machine
that automatically produces the jackpot!
Thanks again, Barbara.
Thanks a lot, Ernie.
Give my regards to him. And her. Bye.
BARBARA: Can I come in yet?
- Er.um...
Yes, all right.
What was all that banging and crashing ab...
- Its a loom!
- Very good.
- Why?
- Well, because it is.
No, I mean why have you got it?
Why have I got it? Because we won't have to
rely on Blue Peter make-do-and-mend hints.
- We can weave our own clothes on this.
- You're a bit of an optimist, aren't you?
No. Who took Weaving
at evening classes in the winter?
But you got your arm stuck in the loom.
You had to be cut free.
Well, you were good at it.
Well, I wasn't bad, but that doesn't qualify me
to set up as a ladies and gents outfitters.
Anyway, where's all the wool gonna come from?
What are we gonna weave with?
You're not being very enthusiastic, are you?
I thought it was so practical, so self-sufficient.
And a bargain, to boot. Only cost me 10 quid.
Had to beat the bloke down, of course.
What's the matter?
You spent our £10 float just like that?
- Well, it's the only £10 we'd got.
- Exactly.
And you didn't even ask my opinion first.
- Did you have something in mind?
- No, I didn't.
But we never spend precious money
without agreeing what we spend it on.
- Ever heard of impulse buying?
- Yes, I have, Tom, and I don't like it.
Especially in this case.
Good lord, it's not as though I blew the lot
on some three-legged greyhound.
I'm not talking about that. I am just concerned
that you didn't even ask me.
Well, I'm very, very sorry.
- Do you mind if I sit down?
- Yes!
It's funny, I was talking about
being firm and fair earlier this morning.
Well, I am being firm.
But you are not being fair, so don't come the
heavy-handed lord of the manor with me, mate!
- Oh, now you're just being silly.
- No, I'm not being silly.
Well, maybe I am being silly.
Maybe I don't like being let down.
And maybe I am being silly
because I never thought
you would be the one to do it, Tom.
(Door closes)
(Chuckles wheezily)
(Whistles)
(Sighs)
I could have been wrong.
I'm not saying I was, but um...
I could have been.
Put it another way,
I was wrong.
Are you my totally compliant
and opinionless slave again?
- Yes.
- Oh, good. Mwah!
I did it the wrong way,
but it is a good thing to have, isn't it, the loom?
No.
What?
- I don't think it is.
- Come on, I said I was sorry.
No, I just think having a loom
is a pretty duff idea.
- That's what you really think?
- Yes.
Nothing to do with the fact that I bought it
without telling you?
- No.
- But you can weave.
- But, as I was saying, what with?
- Wool.
- From?
- The goat.
Oh, brilliant. A goat?
Where do you think vicuna comes from?
From the combings of the soft belly
of the vicuna.
Exactly.
In Peru, where they live, hundreds of them.
We'd be lucky if we got a string vest
out of Geraldine.
- All right, then. Sheep.
- But we haven't got any sheep.
I know, but we live in Surrey.
There are thousands of sheep,
all leaving little bits of wool
on miles and miles of barbed wire.
- But how are we going to...
- And another thing... No, no.
Say we offered a couple of days' labour
to a sheep farmer during the shearing season,
and asked him to give us fleeces
instead of money?
- What about dyeing the stuff?
- I've already thought about that.
They have vegetable dyes from lichens
in the Western Isles.
Long walk to Scotland.
They don't have a monopoly of them.
There are English lichens.
We could make our own dyes, I'm sure of it.
Yes, I suppose we could.
The fecundity of my mind
is quite terrifying sometimes.
Yes, it would be
if you hadn't forgotten something.
What?
You can't just chuck a dollop of wool onto
a loom and dash off a suit, you know.
It has to be spun first.
For which you need a spinning wheel.
- Which we haven't got.
- True.
Give in?
Margo's getting one.
You toad!
You knew that all the time, didn't you?
Yes.
What on earth does Margo want
with a spinning wheel?
Well, it's obvious. She's going to put it in
the corner of her lounge and say "How quaint."
It doesn't alter the fact there is a spinning wheel
which we can borrow.
You've got criminal tendencies, you have.
Don't drag up my prison record.
Didn't I suffer enough?
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about conning Margo
into getting something just because you want it.
You'll be asking Jerry to buy a tractor next!
It wasn't like that at all.
I cross my heart and hope to die.
She saw it and decided to buy it before
the thought of a loom ever crossed my mind.
- Itis a bit sneaky though, isn't it?
- A bit sneaky, yeah.
And I don't suppose you told Margo
that you were getting a loom.
A sneak wouldn't, would he?
No, I thought I'd let her get it back home,
get bored with it and we'd step in.
- She's getting it tomorrow.
- You said she already got it.
In so many words.
She's put a deposit down on it.
It's just a matter of ordering Jerry
to sign the cheque and hey-ho.
Oh.
What?
Would you hit a woman... in glasses?
Certainly not.
What have you done?
Well, I had this little chat with Jerry
and I advised him
to clamp down on Margo's spending.
- Take those glasses off.
- How was I to know? It was just bad timing.
- You will interfere!
- Hark who's talking!
All right, all right! All right, don't panic.
I might not have to beat you up.
On the other hand...
What am I talking about? Good lord!
How could Jerry clamp down on Margo, eh?
He might do a little huff and a puff,
then she'll blow his house down and that's that.
(Knocking)
- Good evening, Barbara. Good evening, Tom.
- Hello, Margo. What are you doing here?
I've left Jerry.
Why?
He wouldn't write a cheque
for my spinning wheel.
- Eh?
- How dare he talk to me like that?
I will not be harangued
about the financial climate!
I will not have his bank statements
thrust under my nose!
And above all, I will not be thrown about
my own house like some ragdoll!
- What did he do?
- He shook me by the elbows.
So er...
you're not getting the spinning wheel, then.
I know, he's been talking to somebody.
It's those chaps at the office. The chaps.
A few gin and tonics for Dutch courage
and then they come home and expect to trample
all over the little woman. Well, not me!
Did Jerry actually refuse to sign the cheque,
or did he sign it first and then have a moan?
He wouldn't pick up the pen sol packed and left.
Oh, Margo! Where are you going to stay?
Oh.
That wretched argument has made me
forget my manners. I'd rather hoped...
But of course! Of course you can stay here.
But you haven't actually left Jerry, have you?
I don't know what I've done at the moment,
Barbara.
If I were you, I'd buy the spinning wheel
with my own money just to spite him.
Tom!
Look, Margo, er...
what about a bite to eat?
We were just going to have supper.
No, thank you. Experience has taught me
that food and naked emotions don't mix.
- I'll go straight to my room, if you don't mind.
- Yes, of course. I'll show you up.
- Good night, Tom.
- Good night, Margo.
Don't use the wardrobe, it's full of onions.
Thank you, Tom.
Tom! Half-past nine!
- Elevenses!
- Righto, love!
I've been thinking, you know.
They might have to get that spinning wheel.
It might have been a non-returnable deposit.
The shop may consider
that the sale has been made.
You have got a spinning wheel fixation,
you have.
Well, we need it. I've got to be made to feel
better about buying that loom somehow.
I do hope
Margo and Jerry get back together again soon.
Why worry about them?
Well, I've got to be made to feel better
about stirring Jerry up to mutiny in the first place.
Well, that's what you are. A rotten little stirrer.
Oh, it's only one of their little spats.
Don't get taken in
by Margo's impression of a battered wife.
No, I suppose not.
- Still in bed is she?
- No, she's not. She's gone out.
- Perhaps she's gone back to Jerry.
- No, nobody in. I've just been over there.
Oh, you just happened to pop over, did you?
Yeah, yeah. See old Jerry, see how he was.
Tried to talk Jerry into getting a spinning wheel?
It might have entered the conversation,
I don't know.
What, like "Hello, Jerry.
What about getting that spinning wheel?"
Something like that.
- You know what you are?
- Clever?
A steaming hypocrite.
I think you'd better explain yourself, my girl.
Well, honestly! You're always whittling away
at Jerry about Margo's overspending,
then as soon as it comes to anything
that you want...
That is the principle of shifting principles.
(Chuckles)
- Snake in the grass.
- Jerry stirrer.
- Rat face.
- Fatty.
- I love these little chats over tea, don't you?
- Yeah.
(Knock)
Morning.
- Is Margo about?
- No, Jerry, she's gone out.
Oh. Well, assuming that she'll come back here,
I suppose this is the best place
to leave the peace offering.
The spinning wheel!
Jerry, why can't you stick to your guns
just for once?
That's what the Russians did at Balaclava.
Look what happened to them.
You could have held on longer.
Margo would have come round in the end.
Maybe, Barbara,
but it's a very empty house without her.
I'm working awfully hard at the moment.
When I get home,
the house is warm, comfortable.
She's always there.
The dinner's prepared, the wine's chambré,
she's wearing a nice gown.
I miss her.
And three Polish buyers are coming to dinner
next week and I don't know what Poles eat.
Well, I suppose it's not
a totally unconditional surrender.
I don't think you should be quite so ungracious,
Barbara.
I think Jerry's doing the right thing.
What nicer way to say sorry than to buy me,
er... Margo a lovely spinning wheel?
Well, I'd better be getting off to work.
What's the best thing to do?
- Leave her a note or telephone later?
- No need, she's here.
Hello, darling.
- Hello, Barbara. Hello, Tom.
- Hello, Margo. Where have you been?
Well, from the abuse hurled at me
by my husband last night,
I was given the impression that from now on
I was required to pay for everything
that I use in the house out of my own pocket.
- I didn't say anything like that...
- Even... Even if it meant
my going out to scrub floors.
So I've got a job.
- Scrubbing floors?
- No.
Two afternoons a week in a florist's.
That wouldn't keep you in hand cream.
You can't go lugging great heavy flowers about.
I thought you were my friends.
- Margo.
- Yes?
I'm... I'm sorry.
- And about that spinning wheel...
- I might not want it now.
Margo!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry. I was being childish.
- Sorry about all this.
- No, no, it's lovely.
I want to say something, Jerry.
And I must say it in front of Tom and Barbara.
- What?
- I said a very unkind thing about you last night.
I accused you of being mean and miserly.
I know you were hurting my elbows at the time,
but there was no excuse. I was unjust.
- It's all over now.
- No, no, it must be said.
You may be bombastic at times,
but you are never less than generous.
- Even over-generous.
- Its all right, darling.
As a matter of fact, it wouldn't do me any harm
if sometimes you put your foot down
and said "No, Margo,
you may not have such-and-such."
I'm very grateful, it's such a pretty thing.
Hey! I've just had a great idea, Barbara!
- What?
- Well, Margo's got a spinning wheel.
If we could lay our hands on a loom, we could
weave our own stuff. What do you think?
- I think you leave me behind sometimes.
- Dol love?
Jerry, you wouldn't mind if we borrowed it?
- You'd better ask Margo, it's hers.
- What about it, Margo?
- Sorry? What about what?
- You wouldn't mind if we borrowed that?
- Why should you want to borrow this?
- To spin wool.
You see, Tom has just had this wonderful idea
about getting a loom, you see.
But I don't see that this would be any use to you.
Well, you can leave the technicalities to me,
I know all about spinning.
- The wheel doesn't work!
- I know, it's not supposed to.
You only wanted it as an ornament, didn't you?
Originally, yes.
Then I talked to the lady in the shop
and I realised it had an additional
and totally unexpected charm.
- Like what?
- I'll show you.
(Tinkly music)
I say! Just as well
you didn't get a loom first, isn't it, Tom?
(Laughs raucously)
Ha, ha, ha!
(Chuckles)
That's my jersey you're cutting up!
Well, let's face it, it's not functioning as a jersey.
It's more like an old string vest.
- I liked it!
- Well, this is far more practical.
But... you're hacking it to pieces!
I'm not. These are my knee warmers
for the cold weather,
and I'm going to wear the top as a tabard.
- You'll need something underneath it.
- Yes, Tom.
Well, I suppose that is quite a good idea, really.
I saw it on Blue Peter
when I was round at Margo's the other day.
You see, the trouble is, these television people
never think the thing through.
Where you've cut the stitches,
it's just going to unravel.
- You bind the edges.
- Ah.
It hasn't got any feet to them either.
- Go away.
- All right, all right.
Only I was going to fly you down to Rio
for a wild and wonderful weekend.
What on? Hot air?
No, kid, money. Greenbacks. Moola.
- The soft fruits?
- Our soft fruit ship came in to the tune of £195!
We won! Oh, we actually won at something!
- And we deserve every penny of it.
- Oh, that is a weight off my mind!
- Oh, Tom! If that lot had failed...
- Ah, but it didn't.
Now, I suggest we charter a private jet.
That's the only way to go to Rio.
Now, that's a year's rates...
Then we'll take a suite.
No, a whole floor. Don't want to muck about.
.Water rates,
the petrol for a year for the cart,
tax, and the insurance for the same.
A new pair of shoes each.
We've got to have those.
OK. Now that leaves us...
- with a £10 float!
I wanted to go to Rio.
Next year.
Yes, yes, next year. Anyway, I despise money.
I wouldn't despise it too much.
It's got us off several hooks all at once
and we've got a £10 float!
Tom, it's ages
since we've had as much as £10 in the kitty.
Let's buy you something.
If we spend that, when we spend that,
it will be on something that we really need.
Quite right, quite right.
You're a wonderful little manager, Barbara.
Boring, but wonderful.
Stocking tops?
- On the other hand, perhaps not.
- (Doorbell)
I thought that sort of thing
only happened in films.
Hello, Tom. I'd like a word with Barbara, please.
- Yes, Margo, she's in the big room.
- Thank you.
- Hello, Barbara. May I beg a favour?
- Yes, of course.
Oh, Barbara,
you didn't take Blue Peter seriously.
- Oh, they're only for ballet practice.
- If only they were.
- What's the favour?
- Ah, yes.
I wonder, would you keep an eye open
for the television repairman?
- Hello!
- Would you?
- Certainly.
- If you'd be good enough to let him in,
and stand over him whilst he's doing
whatever it is they do. I don't trust tradesmen.
I would have supervised him myself
but I'm going shopping in Dorking.
Dorking, Tom!
- Oh, yes!
- What?
How would you like a nice companion
on your journey?
If that means you, I wouldn't.
But I'd make him wash his hands
and comb his hair with water.
Why should you want to go to Dorking anyway?
Well, I can pick up some chicken feed.
If you think you're using my car
as some sort of farm wagon...
No, no, no, no no.
It comes in nice, clean paper sacks. Honestly.
You see, I'd go with Tom in our cart,
but I have this television man to look out for.
Oh, very well.
You use me, you two. You know that, don't you?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll be good, honestly. I'll be good.
You do your shopping, I'll do mine, we'll have
a coffee in the Wimpy and straight home.
We will have a pot of tea
in the Tudor Tea Rooms.
No, forget the tea, we'll come straight home.
- Are you ready?
- Yes, Margo.
Now, do as you're told.
Don't keep asking for sweets.
And hold hands nicely.
Don't be silly, Tom!
MARGO: And don't do that, either!
MARGO: Yes, it's very charming indeed.
Very charming.
What do you want with a spinning wheel?
It would look terribly right
in the corner of the drawing room.
Yes, I want it.
- It hasn't got a price tag on it.
- I should hope not.
- Let me come in and haggle for you.
- Certainly not.
If you want to haggle,
go and haggle over your chicken feed.
(Shop bell)
(Mouths) Go away!
(Mouths)
(Shop bell)
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
- What have you got there, then?
- Chicken feed.
Chicken feed? What, two sacks?
(Sharp intake of breath)
Ooh, there's not much call for that.
17 and 6, top offer.
No, no, I'm not selling.
I might want to buy something.
Oh, I see.
Oh, well, you've got me over a barrel there.
- Why?
- Well, he's not here. He's up the other shop.
Oh. Then why should you offer to buy
two sacks of chicken feed, then?
Well, that's his instructions. "Stock, Ernie",
that's what he's always saying to me.
"When you've got stock,
you're buffered from life."
- It's certainly true around here, isn't it?
- To a degree.
Trouble is, the stock's taken over.
Do you know
I had my own personal gas ring once?
Somewhere under that lot now.
Oh, so if I was to buy something,
it would increase your floor space.
It's a lovely thought,
but he's not here, that's the trouble.
Does he have to be here?
Oh, no. I've got full powers.
It's just that I don't like doing any actual selling
when he's up the other shop.
Well, why don't you go up the other shop
and get him?
What, and bust in on that lot?
Corl She'd go mad.
Look, I tell you what. I'll show you what I want
and we'll take it from there, eh?
- I'm game.
- Right.
- It's the loom.
- The loom. Yeah.
- Could you...?
- Yeah, sure, sure. Right.
Ta.
This one?
No. The loom.
Yeah.
Could you point?
There. That.
Oh, right. I didn't know he'd got that.
That must have come in when the ginger bloke
was here. Before me, you see.
- Could I have a closer look?
- Oh, certainly, yeah.
Ah, well, it's er... it's all there.
It seems to be in working order.
- Well, he could tell you that.
- Only he's up the other shop, I know.
- What do you want to do with it, then?
- Well, I want to weave.
A friend of mine's got a spinning wheel,
and when I saw this, two and two made four.
Well, he'll be in Thursday morning.
Ah, yeah, but I mean you've got full powers.
You said so.
- Well, it's true...
- Well, then, live dangerously. Sell something.
Shall 17?
- It might be one up against her, mightn't it?
- Oh, I doubt it.
She's Yugoslavian, you see.
- Well, even so...
- Yeah, yeah, you've got a point.
Now look, I'll make it easy.
I'll name a price, and that'll be it
because I'm a one-price man.
Right, here we go, then.
- Ten quid.
- Done.
- Now, then, that wasn't too painful, was it?
- No.
I was only gonna ask eight.
Oh, er... yes. Well, that's got to include delivery.
Does it? Oh, I see.
Well, where do you live, then?
- Surbiton.
- Oh, that's no trouble. I go past there in the van.
Great, great. Now, get my money.
There we are, 10.
Now... Ah, here we go. I'll just give you
the address. Now, um... about what time?
- Will eight be all right?
- Fine.
- Lovely, lovely.
- Lovely, lovely.
- Right, cheerio.
- Ta.
You know, I shall bless the day
that you come into this shop.
- What, your sales breakthrough, you mean?
- No.
I mean coming back here.
I've spotted the tube to my gas ring.
Oh, good. Very good. All you've got to do now
is find the kettle and you can have a cup of tea.
(Door slams)
- Hello, Barbara.
- Hello, Jerry.
What are you doing home? You should be
stuck on London Bridge at this time of day.
Oh, I packed up at four.
I've had about enough for today, I really have.
Is that wise?
What about currying favour with sir?
No, I did that this morning.
Look, do you know where Margo is?
I gave her my keys today, I can't get in.
Yes, here they are.
She's gone shopping.
(Jerry sighs deeply)
I wish I was on London Bridge now.
I wouldn't have heard that news for half an hour.
- Never mind, she may not buy anything.
- The sun might not come up tomorrow.
Do you know, she cost me £38
last time she went shopping?
A silver cigarette holder.
For evening wear.
- Hallmarked?
- Oh, had to be.
No wonder I have to get my chequebooks
two at a time.
- You're too easy with her.
- Maybe I am.
I feel like that little boy with his finger in the dyke.
As fast as I plug up one hole,
she bursts out through another.
You're not like that.
I don't get the chance, Jerry.
We don't have any money.
The way Margo spends mine,
you'd think I printed it.
- It's no good complaining to me about it.
- I know. I like complaining to you, though.
Oh, don't be silly. Anyway, I told you
what to do before and you chickened out.
I'll tell you once again and then it's up to you.
You have to put your foot down.
Say "Margo, this has got to stop."
- Yes, I know. But that'd mean I'd have to say...
- "Margo, this has got to stop", yes.
Yes.
- You might even be surprised by her response.
- No, I don't think I would.
Look, I'll tell you something, Jerry.
Now this is a trade secret.
But if "no" is said in the right way,
at the right time, about the right thing,
a woman, she can respect it.
She can even quite like it.
- Are you sure?
- Well, am a woman, Jerry.
- Yes, yes, I know that.
- I mean, speaking personally,
when Tom is firm with me, really fair but firm,
I go quite weak at the knees.
Jerry?
- Yes?
- And he'll be home in a minute.
Sorry. But you're not Margo.
No, I know I'm not,
but I'm not complaining about her spending.
You're quite right, of course.
- Well?
- Yes.
Thank you very much.
No, I meant,
well, are you going to do anything about it?
Yes. Damn it all!
About time she realised
I'm not just a slot machine
that automatically produces the jackpot!
Thanks again, Barbara.
Thanks a lot, Ernie.
Give my regards to him. And her. Bye.
BARBARA: Can I come in yet?
- Er.um...
Yes, all right.
What was all that banging and crashing ab...
- Its a loom!
- Very good.
- Why?
- Well, because it is.
No, I mean why have you got it?
Why have I got it? Because we won't have to
rely on Blue Peter make-do-and-mend hints.
- We can weave our own clothes on this.
- You're a bit of an optimist, aren't you?
No. Who took Weaving
at evening classes in the winter?
But you got your arm stuck in the loom.
You had to be cut free.
Well, you were good at it.
Well, I wasn't bad, but that doesn't qualify me
to set up as a ladies and gents outfitters.
Anyway, where's all the wool gonna come from?
What are we gonna weave with?
You're not being very enthusiastic, are you?
I thought it was so practical, so self-sufficient.
And a bargain, to boot. Only cost me 10 quid.
Had to beat the bloke down, of course.
What's the matter?
You spent our £10 float just like that?
- Well, it's the only £10 we'd got.
- Exactly.
And you didn't even ask my opinion first.
- Did you have something in mind?
- No, I didn't.
But we never spend precious money
without agreeing what we spend it on.
- Ever heard of impulse buying?
- Yes, I have, Tom, and I don't like it.
Especially in this case.
Good lord, it's not as though I blew the lot
on some three-legged greyhound.
I'm not talking about that. I am just concerned
that you didn't even ask me.
Well, I'm very, very sorry.
- Do you mind if I sit down?
- Yes!
It's funny, I was talking about
being firm and fair earlier this morning.
Well, I am being firm.
But you are not being fair, so don't come the
heavy-handed lord of the manor with me, mate!
- Oh, now you're just being silly.
- No, I'm not being silly.
Well, maybe I am being silly.
Maybe I don't like being let down.
And maybe I am being silly
because I never thought
you would be the one to do it, Tom.
(Door closes)
(Chuckles wheezily)
(Whistles)
(Sighs)
I could have been wrong.
I'm not saying I was, but um...
I could have been.
Put it another way,
I was wrong.
Are you my totally compliant
and opinionless slave again?
- Yes.
- Oh, good. Mwah!
I did it the wrong way,
but it is a good thing to have, isn't it, the loom?
No.
What?
- I don't think it is.
- Come on, I said I was sorry.
No, I just think having a loom
is a pretty duff idea.
- That's what you really think?
- Yes.
Nothing to do with the fact that I bought it
without telling you?
- No.
- But you can weave.
- But, as I was saying, what with?
- Wool.
- From?
- The goat.
Oh, brilliant. A goat?
Where do you think vicuna comes from?
From the combings of the soft belly
of the vicuna.
Exactly.
In Peru, where they live, hundreds of them.
We'd be lucky if we got a string vest
out of Geraldine.
- All right, then. Sheep.
- But we haven't got any sheep.
I know, but we live in Surrey.
There are thousands of sheep,
all leaving little bits of wool
on miles and miles of barbed wire.
- But how are we going to...
- And another thing... No, no.
Say we offered a couple of days' labour
to a sheep farmer during the shearing season,
and asked him to give us fleeces
instead of money?
- What about dyeing the stuff?
- I've already thought about that.
They have vegetable dyes from lichens
in the Western Isles.
Long walk to Scotland.
They don't have a monopoly of them.
There are English lichens.
We could make our own dyes, I'm sure of it.
Yes, I suppose we could.
The fecundity of my mind
is quite terrifying sometimes.
Yes, it would be
if you hadn't forgotten something.
What?
You can't just chuck a dollop of wool onto
a loom and dash off a suit, you know.
It has to be spun first.
For which you need a spinning wheel.
- Which we haven't got.
- True.
Give in?
Margo's getting one.
You toad!
You knew that all the time, didn't you?
Yes.
What on earth does Margo want
with a spinning wheel?
Well, it's obvious. She's going to put it in
the corner of her lounge and say "How quaint."
It doesn't alter the fact there is a spinning wheel
which we can borrow.
You've got criminal tendencies, you have.
Don't drag up my prison record.
Didn't I suffer enough?
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about conning Margo
into getting something just because you want it.
You'll be asking Jerry to buy a tractor next!
It wasn't like that at all.
I cross my heart and hope to die.
She saw it and decided to buy it before
the thought of a loom ever crossed my mind.
- Itis a bit sneaky though, isn't it?
- A bit sneaky, yeah.
And I don't suppose you told Margo
that you were getting a loom.
A sneak wouldn't, would he?
No, I thought I'd let her get it back home,
get bored with it and we'd step in.
- She's getting it tomorrow.
- You said she already got it.
In so many words.
She's put a deposit down on it.
It's just a matter of ordering Jerry
to sign the cheque and hey-ho.
Oh.
What?
Would you hit a woman... in glasses?
Certainly not.
What have you done?
Well, I had this little chat with Jerry
and I advised him
to clamp down on Margo's spending.
- Take those glasses off.
- How was I to know? It was just bad timing.
- You will interfere!
- Hark who's talking!
All right, all right! All right, don't panic.
I might not have to beat you up.
On the other hand...
What am I talking about? Good lord!
How could Jerry clamp down on Margo, eh?
He might do a little huff and a puff,
then she'll blow his house down and that's that.
(Knocking)
- Good evening, Barbara. Good evening, Tom.
- Hello, Margo. What are you doing here?
I've left Jerry.
Why?
He wouldn't write a cheque
for my spinning wheel.
- Eh?
- How dare he talk to me like that?
I will not be harangued
about the financial climate!
I will not have his bank statements
thrust under my nose!
And above all, I will not be thrown about
my own house like some ragdoll!
- What did he do?
- He shook me by the elbows.
So er...
you're not getting the spinning wheel, then.
I know, he's been talking to somebody.
It's those chaps at the office. The chaps.
A few gin and tonics for Dutch courage
and then they come home and expect to trample
all over the little woman. Well, not me!
Did Jerry actually refuse to sign the cheque,
or did he sign it first and then have a moan?
He wouldn't pick up the pen sol packed and left.
Oh, Margo! Where are you going to stay?
Oh.
That wretched argument has made me
forget my manners. I'd rather hoped...
But of course! Of course you can stay here.
But you haven't actually left Jerry, have you?
I don't know what I've done at the moment,
Barbara.
If I were you, I'd buy the spinning wheel
with my own money just to spite him.
Tom!
Look, Margo, er...
what about a bite to eat?
We were just going to have supper.
No, thank you. Experience has taught me
that food and naked emotions don't mix.
- I'll go straight to my room, if you don't mind.
- Yes, of course. I'll show you up.
- Good night, Tom.
- Good night, Margo.
Don't use the wardrobe, it's full of onions.
Thank you, Tom.
Tom! Half-past nine!
- Elevenses!
- Righto, love!
I've been thinking, you know.
They might have to get that spinning wheel.
It might have been a non-returnable deposit.
The shop may consider
that the sale has been made.
You have got a spinning wheel fixation,
you have.
Well, we need it. I've got to be made to feel
better about buying that loom somehow.
I do hope
Margo and Jerry get back together again soon.
Why worry about them?
Well, I've got to be made to feel better
about stirring Jerry up to mutiny in the first place.
Well, that's what you are. A rotten little stirrer.
Oh, it's only one of their little spats.
Don't get taken in
by Margo's impression of a battered wife.
No, I suppose not.
- Still in bed is she?
- No, she's not. She's gone out.
- Perhaps she's gone back to Jerry.
- No, nobody in. I've just been over there.
Oh, you just happened to pop over, did you?
Yeah, yeah. See old Jerry, see how he was.
Tried to talk Jerry into getting a spinning wheel?
It might have entered the conversation,
I don't know.
What, like "Hello, Jerry.
What about getting that spinning wheel?"
Something like that.
- You know what you are?
- Clever?
A steaming hypocrite.
I think you'd better explain yourself, my girl.
Well, honestly! You're always whittling away
at Jerry about Margo's overspending,
then as soon as it comes to anything
that you want...
That is the principle of shifting principles.
(Chuckles)
- Snake in the grass.
- Jerry stirrer.
- Rat face.
- Fatty.
- I love these little chats over tea, don't you?
- Yeah.
(Knock)
Morning.
- Is Margo about?
- No, Jerry, she's gone out.
Oh. Well, assuming that she'll come back here,
I suppose this is the best place
to leave the peace offering.
The spinning wheel!
Jerry, why can't you stick to your guns
just for once?
That's what the Russians did at Balaclava.
Look what happened to them.
You could have held on longer.
Margo would have come round in the end.
Maybe, Barbara,
but it's a very empty house without her.
I'm working awfully hard at the moment.
When I get home,
the house is warm, comfortable.
She's always there.
The dinner's prepared, the wine's chambré,
she's wearing a nice gown.
I miss her.
And three Polish buyers are coming to dinner
next week and I don't know what Poles eat.
Well, I suppose it's not
a totally unconditional surrender.
I don't think you should be quite so ungracious,
Barbara.
I think Jerry's doing the right thing.
What nicer way to say sorry than to buy me,
er... Margo a lovely spinning wheel?
Well, I'd better be getting off to work.
What's the best thing to do?
- Leave her a note or telephone later?
- No need, she's here.
Hello, darling.
- Hello, Barbara. Hello, Tom.
- Hello, Margo. Where have you been?
Well, from the abuse hurled at me
by my husband last night,
I was given the impression that from now on
I was required to pay for everything
that I use in the house out of my own pocket.
- I didn't say anything like that...
- Even... Even if it meant
my going out to scrub floors.
So I've got a job.
- Scrubbing floors?
- No.
Two afternoons a week in a florist's.
That wouldn't keep you in hand cream.
You can't go lugging great heavy flowers about.
I thought you were my friends.
- Margo.
- Yes?
I'm... I'm sorry.
- And about that spinning wheel...
- I might not want it now.
Margo!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry. I was being childish.
- Sorry about all this.
- No, no, it's lovely.
I want to say something, Jerry.
And I must say it in front of Tom and Barbara.
- What?
- I said a very unkind thing about you last night.
I accused you of being mean and miserly.
I know you were hurting my elbows at the time,
but there was no excuse. I was unjust.
- It's all over now.
- No, no, it must be said.
You may be bombastic at times,
but you are never less than generous.
- Even over-generous.
- Its all right, darling.
As a matter of fact, it wouldn't do me any harm
if sometimes you put your foot down
and said "No, Margo,
you may not have such-and-such."
I'm very grateful, it's such a pretty thing.
Hey! I've just had a great idea, Barbara!
- What?
- Well, Margo's got a spinning wheel.
If we could lay our hands on a loom, we could
weave our own stuff. What do you think?
- I think you leave me behind sometimes.
- Dol love?
Jerry, you wouldn't mind if we borrowed it?
- You'd better ask Margo, it's hers.
- What about it, Margo?
- Sorry? What about what?
- You wouldn't mind if we borrowed that?
- Why should you want to borrow this?
- To spin wool.
You see, Tom has just had this wonderful idea
about getting a loom, you see.
But I don't see that this would be any use to you.
Well, you can leave the technicalities to me,
I know all about spinning.
- The wheel doesn't work!
- I know, it's not supposed to.
You only wanted it as an ornament, didn't you?
Originally, yes.
Then I talked to the lady in the shop
and I realised it had an additional
and totally unexpected charm.
- Like what?
- I'll show you.
(Tinkly music)
I say! Just as well
you didn't get a loom first, isn't it, Tom?
(Laughs raucously)