Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Early Birds - full transcript
Tom and Barbara are in conflict with Margo over the early starts they have been making to ensure all their crops have been planted. Tom comes up with the idea of sleeping as soon as it gets dark, and making maximum use of sunlight.
(Clock ticking)
(Clattering)
TOM: Careful! Careful!
BARBARA: I'd like to see you do that.
TOM: It's a lovely day today.
They're up, Jerry.
Cotton wool.
(Engine roars)
(Engine revs)
- What are you doing?
- Starting you.
- Where?
- The Rotary Cultivator Grand Prix.
Oh, I see! Right, OK...
OK, Philip, this is where you get yours.
And Good is off the grid and into the lead.
150mph approaching Chidding Brook Corner.
Oh, my God!
There's a lunatic with a bucket on the track!
You berk! Shut up!
MARGO: Yes, shut up!
- Morning, Margo. Morning Jerry.
- Good morning.
- What time do you call this?
- What time would you like me to call it?
Stop it, Tom. It is six o'clock.
Oh, sorry. Did we wake you?
People do not make this kind of noise
at six in the morning in Surbiton!
- They do!
- Who do?
- We do!
- Well, I call it damned inconsiderate.
I'd agree with you if it wasn't necessary, but it is.
It's Mother Nature, isn't it?
At this time of year, she says, "Dig my earth.
Plant my crops," she says.
Don't have a go at me.
Take it up with her.
I'll take it up with someone If this goes on!
- Jerry!
- No, I mean it.
After all, damn it all, I've got to get up
and go to work in a couple of hours' time!
Well, go back to bed
instead of moaning at us!
4 Oh, what a beautiful morning...
Here you are. Chookie-chookie-chookie!
TOM: J Everything's going my way
(Engine roars)
Ta.
(Whistles cheerfully)
- Is that it?
- Yes, that's it.
Hey! Madam, please.
When I took the job as au pair here,
I didn't think this sort of thing would go on.
I'm just thinking how lucky I am.
- Really?
- Mmm.
I mean, I've got you at home all day, haven't 1?
Yes, you are pretty lucky, yes.
You know a lot of wives would get irritated
with their husbands hanging around all day,
but, mind you, I suppose it depends
on the quality of the man.
Oh, I'm not saying you don't irritate me.
I'm just saying it's nice having you at home.
It's really filthy this cup
you're supposed to have washed up.
- No, we are lucky, though.
- Yes.
Take this afternoon.
I could be cooped up in some rotten office.
You could be playing bumper cars
to muzak in the supermarket.
Instead, we'll be putting seed potatoes
in the ground. It makes you think.
- I'll tell you what it makes me think.
- What's that, love?
Why can't you work in an office
like a normal man?
Aww!
Well, it is a rotten job,
planting 15 rows of potatoes.
In anybody's book, it's back-breaking.
- Ah... "Was," I would say.
- What do you mean?
Planting potatoes was back-breaking
until the invention of...
the "non-stoop Good-o-scope”.
(Barbara laughs)
What in heaven's name is that?
The result of all that banging in the cellar.
- And the bad language?
- And the bad language.
What does it do?
Bung some potatoes in there, would you?
Go on. Get on with it.
"What does it do?" Put them in there.
Go on. Right down there.
That's it, one at a time. Now, hold it.
Now, come over here.
All right. Now, there's your run.
- Right? Down there, up and down, right?
- Yes.
All right, now watch carefully.
Are you watching?
One potato.
12 inches between... second potato.
Third potato.
Fourth potato, and so on.
- What do you think of that?
- I think that's very clever.
(Chuckles) And you notice
I didn't have to bend down once?
Of course,
they're not all eyes-upwards, are they?
- Aren't they?
- No.
If they're not eyes-up, they won't grow properly.
I know that!
- Well?
- Well... It's perfectly simple, isn't it?
All you do is follow behind me
and turn them the right way up.
- Which means bending down.
- Well, yes.
Which is what you were trying to avoid
in the first place.
This is also a musical instrument.
Go on, then, clever. Play it.
It's also a wife beater!
BARBARA: Oh!
I didn't knock because good manners seem
to be a thing of the past in this house.
I will simply ask you to return my nutcrackers.
What nutcrackers?
The nutcrackers you borrowed in 1967,
and so conveniently forgot to return.
Oh! Yes! I'm so sorry, Margo.
(Chuckles) How time flies, eh?
Are these the ones?
Thank you.
- They don't crack Brazils.
- They did when I had the use of them.
- Excuse me.
- Is that all you came for?
All? Barbara, if you cannot see
that my asking for my nutcrackers
is symbolic of a shattered relationship,
then I'm sorry for you.
- Ah, you mean this morning?
- Yes, I do.
- There is nothing more to be said.
- I'd like to say something.
- There is nothing to say.
- There is.
- There isn't.
- There is. Sorry.
- What are you implying?
- Nothing. Nothing.
We're apologising. We talked about it
and realised that we were in the wrong.
Oh.
- Sorry.
- Oh.
Yes, and we will try and be as quiet as mice
until a reasonable time in the morning.
- Oh.
- I won't start the rotary cultivator until you're up.
Oh.
Do you have any nutcrackers of your own?
- Do we have any nutcrackers of our own?
- No, we don't.
No, we don't.
- Thank you, Margo!
- And they do work with Brazils.
- Would one have bought them had they not?
- One would not, Margo. One would not.
- I'm glad we're friends again.
- So am I.
- You can help us put our potatoes in now.
- I'm not that sort of friend.
We ought to frame these. After all, they are
a symbol of peace between our great nations.
Well, this great nation had better
get cracking with its agricultural policy.
- Ah, yes, the spuds. I'm just trying to put it off.
- Got to be done, love.
- I know that.
- Never mind, my brain and your brawn...
(Sniggers) Your brain?
(Laughs)
Get out in the garden!
(Groans)
- (Weakly) Barbara...
- Hm?
I can't get my wellies off.
- Can't you?
- No.
Barbara, I can't get my wellies off.
Oh, all right.
(Grunts)
Thank you.
You want some soup? I can heat it up.
- No. No. I'm too tired.
- Good. So am I.
Well, we got the potatoes in.
I've gone off potatoes.
All we've got to do now
is reduce the rest of the garden to a fine tilth,
do the same to the allotments, get the seeds
under cloches, all the onion sets in,
build the extension to the pigsty for Pinky's litter,
and we're all set up for another year.
- Is that all?
- Apart from the routine chores, yes.
(Laughs maniacally)
What was that?
That's the nearest I can get
to hysterical laughter.
It wasn't as hard as this last year, was it?
Probably. I can't remember.
I think I've got amnesia.
Do you know who I hate
more than anyone else at this moment?
- Me.
- No, even worse than you.
- Who, then?
- That Mother Nature woman.
She has a holiday all winter, then comes back,
and bang, wallop, goes raving mad!
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, you see...
we could be approaching this the wrong way.
If those potatoes have to come up,
I shall set light to your hair.
No, no, no, no. I'm talking about nature's clock.
Now, look, have you ever seen
a sparrow yawning?
- No.
- And why?
They probably hold their wings
in front of their beaks.
No, no, no. Because they follow nature's clock.
They get up with the sun
and go to bed with the sun.
Clever Dicks.
What I'm saying is, Barbara,
why don't we do the same?
It's only seven o'clock.
Nobody goes to bed at seven o'clock.
It's only seven o'clock
because your watch says so.
I'm funny like that.
I usually tell the time by looking at my watch.
But it's not important.
Why don't we work while it's light
and go to bed when it's dark?
We'd never see anybody.
Only for a bit,
while we've got this heavy workload on.
I know it seems odd,
but it's common sense, love.
All right. I'm game if you are.
- I am whacked!
- Right.
Oh!
Of course, you know, if Margo comes in now,
and finds we've gone to bed,
you know what she's going to think, don't you?
Well, I mean, it's not out of the question, is it?
The way we feel?
Yes, you're quite right.
Oooh.
Come on! It's freezing in here!
I can't get my wellies off now.
Well, can't you sleep in them?
I've heard about men like you!
Oh, all right!
- You've still got your trousers on!
- Well, I would have!
What? Oh, here, here...
Get off the blank... get off the blanket!
Come on. It's freezing!
- Ooh!
- Oh.
- Oh, that's better.
- Yeah, I told you it would be.
Do you realise The Archers are still on?
Now, look, don't keep thinking about the time.
We're just two little animals
doing the most natural thing in the world.
We're allowing ourselves
to drift into unconsciousness
So our bodies can recharge
until the sun wakes us up tomorrow.
- It's beautifully simple, you see.
- Yes. Put like that, yes, it is.
- Good night, love.
- Night-night.
- Oh, blast!
- What?
I don't feel sleepy now.
Neither do.
Still, give it a chance, give it a chance.
Do you remember when Grace Archer died?
- Barbara!
- Sorry.
Some people actually sent wreathes, you know.
Well, you wouldn't expect them
to send get-well cards, would you?
Do you remember when Walter Gabriel...
Now, look, Barbara, we are here to sleep,
not discuss The Archers.
- Sorry.
- All right.
You were the one who brought up
people sending wreathes.
Only because you brought up Grace Archer.
Let's drop the subject.
Oh...
Oh-ho-ho...
If you start puffing,
I'm going to talk about Walter Gabriel.
- I didn't realise I was doing it.
- Well, you were.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- All right.
(Whispers) Are you holding your breath?
- No. Why?
- I can't hear you breathing.
I was trying to breathe quietly
so as not to keep you awake!
Breathe normally, then!
- OK!
- Right
- Oh...
- Now you're puffing again.
Oh, goodness' sake!
If I can put up with your twitching,
surely you can put up with a little puffing!
- What twitching?
- You were twitching.
- I don't twitch, Tom!
- You're like a puppy having a bad dream!
- Oh, I'm getting up! This is unnatural!
- You haven't given it a fair chancel
Well, I mean, it's ridiculous,
going to bed at this time of day.
When we go to bed normally,
we lie down and sleep.
We don't row about twitching and puffing!
I'm sorry, love,
but you've just given in to the obvious.
The fact is you are tired.
It's habit that's keeping you awake.
- Right, what's keeping you awake, then'?
- You are!
- You lying hound!
- It is absolutely true!
If was on my own,
I'd close my eyes and be away in no time.
Oh, all right, then. Get on with it!
[ Will
Right.
Oh...
My move, cheat!
(Tom whistles jauntily)
Morning.
Tired, love?
Tired? Why should I be tired?
Went to bed with the sun, got up with the sun.
The fact I had no sleep between going to bed
and getting up is neither here nor there.
- Why should I be tired?
- No, no. It wasn't a total success, was it?
No, I don't think so. I realised that
after the fifth game of chess.
- What time was that?
- Twelve.
- When did we finish listing our Top 20 films?
- About half one.
- I'm still not sure about Psycho, you know.
- Another night like that, and I'll be one.
(Laughs) I'll tell you something very interesting,
very interesting indeed.
We couldn't even get to sleep
at our normal time, could we?
Now, that is fantastically interesting, that is.
It is. I'll tell you one thing,
there's more to metabolism than meets the eye.
- If you don't shut up, my fist will meet your eye!
- Oi! Oi!
There's no point in getting annoyed with me.
I'm overtired and I get annoyed with who I like
when I'm overtired. I am overtired!
Sorry, love.
Not your fault. Good idea.
Just didn't work, that's all.
- I'll tell you what.
- What?
You go back to bed
and sleep as long as you like.
I'll get on with all the work and you can join me
when and if... and if you want to.
How about that?
Oh, Tom...
Good night.
That got you worried, didn't it?
Not half!
- Come on, then. Let's get at it.
- All right.
Come along, body. Come on.
Now, then... Here we go.
That's better. (Mimics Tarzan yell)
- Sssh!
- What?
- We promised not to wake Margo and Jerry.
- Oh, yes. Yes.
What are you doing?
- Silencing the bucket for when I milk the goat.
- That's ridic...
- Sssh, sssh.
Hello, Pinky. How's my little mother-to-be?
(Grunts)
They may be kicking, but you keep it to yourself.
Barbara, I think there's something wrong
with the goat.
- Why?
- It's her milk. It's got blue streaks in it.
- Did you leave that sponge in there?
- Yeah.
Well, the last thing I did
was to mop up some paraffin with it.
- Oh!
- Sssh!
(Muffled speech)
- It's ever so hard, being considerate, isn't it?
- That's because it's foreign to your nature.
I'm going to go and get the eggs.
You chop some wood for the range.
How do I chop wood without making a noise?
Use a rubber axe!
JERRY: Morning, peasants.
- Ssh!
BARBARA: Jerry!
Well, I'm certainly not the fairy
at the bottom of your garden.
- But you're up. You're dressed.
- You're remarkably perceptive this morning.
Well, let's get one thing clear.
We did not wake you up.
No. Margo did.
- We didn't wake her up either.
- No, I know.
- Then why are you out here moaning at us?
- I only said, "Good morning".
Because we have been totally silent,
unless you count breathing.
Yes, and totally considerate. You can't claim
to have heard a single noise from us.
- I don't.
- And why? Why?
Because we have greatness of spirit, that's why.
It could also something to do with the fact
that we weren't here.
- What?
- We stayed overnight with friends at Chobham.
We've only just got back.
Well, you might have told us,
you thoughtless swine.
(Laughs)
- Come on, hurry up! I've ironed the bed.
BARBARA: Coming.
Oh, dear! What have you got all that lot for?
- Well, it's eight o'clock, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Going to bed, aren't we?
- Yes.
There we are, just a few things to keep us going
those six or seven hours till we go to sleep.
There's chess and Halma, that war game
that we never understand the rules of,
and tiddlywinks and snakes and ladders,
and a pen and paper
to write down our 50 favourite songs.
(Yawns) And a shack in case we get hungry.
So you're not overconfident
of getting to sleep, then?
- Did I give you that impression?
- Well, sort of.
Well, I do try, Tom, honestly.
It's just I'm not convinced that adjusting
to nature's clock is all that simple.
But we're whacked.
We came in from that garden dead beat.
You actually fell asleep digging once
and that's not easy to do.
But you can't just go to sleep
at eight o'clock in the evening.
Look, I understand how you feel, love,
but why don't you just...
Look, just try and snuggle down and...
Well, just try and let go, eh, love?
Eh, love? Eh?
TOM: Oh...
(Vehicle approaches)
(Tyres squeal)
(Vehicle doors slam)
BARBARA: Who's that?
- Who?
- I don't know.
- Probably.
- OK.
(Vehicle approaches)
(Vehicle doors slam)
- What was that?
- It's people in the road. Go to sleep.
- Noisy devils!
- Its all right. They're gone now.
Go to sleep.
(Music and chatter)
DES O'CONNOR: & What the world needs now
4 Is love, sweet ove...
Ah!
I'll Kill them!
What is it? Drunks?
No, it's not drunks. It's those so-called friends
of ours next door having a party.
Oh, not tonight! Not tonight!
Shut up!
- So much for consideration.
- Oh, it's not fair!
After all, what is gander for the sauce
is goose for the other!
Exactly. Blimey, we did all we could
when they complained.
What do we get in return?
Des O'Connor in the middle of the night!
Will you shut up?!
Oh! Ow! Ow!
Right, that is it!
- Where are you going?
- I'm going round there to break it up!
Wait for me!
I'm in the mood for a bit of violence myself!
(Cheerful whistling)
You can shut up for a start!
Don't bother getting out of the car.
The party is over.
(Knocking)
Cloth, please, Jerry.
Antonia's been careless with her coleslaw.
Tom, Barbara.
Stephanie, Denzel, do come in.
Give them one drink.
That's all they'll be getting.
- Barbara, really!
- Don't get on your high horse with me, Margo.
- Consideration works both ways, you know.
- It's lovely to see you. Do go in.
Everybody, it's Stephanie and Denzel.
WOMAN: It's lovely to see you!
- (Lively chatter)
What on earth are you talking about?
Silent gardening.
That's what we're talking about.
We promised not to make a row in the morning.
What do we get in return? Bedlam!
- What time do you call this?
- Half-past eight.
Exactly! I think it's pretty poor...
- What?
- I said it's half-past eight.
Oh...
- At night?
- Of course.
We've only been asleep for half an hour!
Will this do, darling?
Good lord! It's the Wee Willie Winkies.
- Hello, Jerry.
- Hello, Jerry.
- What are you wearing your pyjamas for?
- They came round to complain, Jerry.
- About us.
- But why put your pyjamas on to do it?
- We were in bed.
- At half-past eight at night? Why?
(Sniggers)
Jerry!
- No, we were... We were just tired out, that's all.
- I see.
You did look pretty awful this morning.
We've got a right to look awful.
It gets frantic for us at this time of year.
Come on, join the party. A few gallons of booze
are as good as ten hours' sleep.
- Shall we?
- Why not? Who needs sleep?
- Good. Come on, then.
- Tom, Barbara...
- Aren't you going to change first?
- Into what?
These are our best clothes.
No. Promise to tell everyone
that you thought it was a pyjama party.
Only if you slip into yours, Margo.
- Ta-dal
- Oh, dear...
Everything all right here? Good.
Are youen;...
Are you enjoying yourselves?
Do have a... do have some.
- Ah... It's going well, isn't it, darling?
- No, it isn't.
- Why? What's up?
- Not what, Jerry, who.
(Clattering)
TOM: Careful! Careful!
BARBARA: I'd like to see you do that.
TOM: It's a lovely day today.
They're up, Jerry.
Cotton wool.
(Engine roars)
(Engine revs)
- What are you doing?
- Starting you.
- Where?
- The Rotary Cultivator Grand Prix.
Oh, I see! Right, OK...
OK, Philip, this is where you get yours.
And Good is off the grid and into the lead.
150mph approaching Chidding Brook Corner.
Oh, my God!
There's a lunatic with a bucket on the track!
You berk! Shut up!
MARGO: Yes, shut up!
- Morning, Margo. Morning Jerry.
- Good morning.
- What time do you call this?
- What time would you like me to call it?
Stop it, Tom. It is six o'clock.
Oh, sorry. Did we wake you?
People do not make this kind of noise
at six in the morning in Surbiton!
- They do!
- Who do?
- We do!
- Well, I call it damned inconsiderate.
I'd agree with you if it wasn't necessary, but it is.
It's Mother Nature, isn't it?
At this time of year, she says, "Dig my earth.
Plant my crops," she says.
Don't have a go at me.
Take it up with her.
I'll take it up with someone If this goes on!
- Jerry!
- No, I mean it.
After all, damn it all, I've got to get up
and go to work in a couple of hours' time!
Well, go back to bed
instead of moaning at us!
4 Oh, what a beautiful morning...
Here you are. Chookie-chookie-chookie!
TOM: J Everything's going my way
(Engine roars)
Ta.
(Whistles cheerfully)
- Is that it?
- Yes, that's it.
Hey! Madam, please.
When I took the job as au pair here,
I didn't think this sort of thing would go on.
I'm just thinking how lucky I am.
- Really?
- Mmm.
I mean, I've got you at home all day, haven't 1?
Yes, you are pretty lucky, yes.
You know a lot of wives would get irritated
with their husbands hanging around all day,
but, mind you, I suppose it depends
on the quality of the man.
Oh, I'm not saying you don't irritate me.
I'm just saying it's nice having you at home.
It's really filthy this cup
you're supposed to have washed up.
- No, we are lucky, though.
- Yes.
Take this afternoon.
I could be cooped up in some rotten office.
You could be playing bumper cars
to muzak in the supermarket.
Instead, we'll be putting seed potatoes
in the ground. It makes you think.
- I'll tell you what it makes me think.
- What's that, love?
Why can't you work in an office
like a normal man?
Aww!
Well, it is a rotten job,
planting 15 rows of potatoes.
In anybody's book, it's back-breaking.
- Ah... "Was," I would say.
- What do you mean?
Planting potatoes was back-breaking
until the invention of...
the "non-stoop Good-o-scope”.
(Barbara laughs)
What in heaven's name is that?
The result of all that banging in the cellar.
- And the bad language?
- And the bad language.
What does it do?
Bung some potatoes in there, would you?
Go on. Get on with it.
"What does it do?" Put them in there.
Go on. Right down there.
That's it, one at a time. Now, hold it.
Now, come over here.
All right. Now, there's your run.
- Right? Down there, up and down, right?
- Yes.
All right, now watch carefully.
Are you watching?
One potato.
12 inches between... second potato.
Third potato.
Fourth potato, and so on.
- What do you think of that?
- I think that's very clever.
(Chuckles) And you notice
I didn't have to bend down once?
Of course,
they're not all eyes-upwards, are they?
- Aren't they?
- No.
If they're not eyes-up, they won't grow properly.
I know that!
- Well?
- Well... It's perfectly simple, isn't it?
All you do is follow behind me
and turn them the right way up.
- Which means bending down.
- Well, yes.
Which is what you were trying to avoid
in the first place.
This is also a musical instrument.
Go on, then, clever. Play it.
It's also a wife beater!
BARBARA: Oh!
I didn't knock because good manners seem
to be a thing of the past in this house.
I will simply ask you to return my nutcrackers.
What nutcrackers?
The nutcrackers you borrowed in 1967,
and so conveniently forgot to return.
Oh! Yes! I'm so sorry, Margo.
(Chuckles) How time flies, eh?
Are these the ones?
Thank you.
- They don't crack Brazils.
- They did when I had the use of them.
- Excuse me.
- Is that all you came for?
All? Barbara, if you cannot see
that my asking for my nutcrackers
is symbolic of a shattered relationship,
then I'm sorry for you.
- Ah, you mean this morning?
- Yes, I do.
- There is nothing more to be said.
- I'd like to say something.
- There is nothing to say.
- There is.
- There isn't.
- There is. Sorry.
- What are you implying?
- Nothing. Nothing.
We're apologising. We talked about it
and realised that we were in the wrong.
Oh.
- Sorry.
- Oh.
Yes, and we will try and be as quiet as mice
until a reasonable time in the morning.
- Oh.
- I won't start the rotary cultivator until you're up.
Oh.
Do you have any nutcrackers of your own?
- Do we have any nutcrackers of our own?
- No, we don't.
No, we don't.
- Thank you, Margo!
- And they do work with Brazils.
- Would one have bought them had they not?
- One would not, Margo. One would not.
- I'm glad we're friends again.
- So am I.
- You can help us put our potatoes in now.
- I'm not that sort of friend.
We ought to frame these. After all, they are
a symbol of peace between our great nations.
Well, this great nation had better
get cracking with its agricultural policy.
- Ah, yes, the spuds. I'm just trying to put it off.
- Got to be done, love.
- I know that.
- Never mind, my brain and your brawn...
(Sniggers) Your brain?
(Laughs)
Get out in the garden!
(Groans)
- (Weakly) Barbara...
- Hm?
I can't get my wellies off.
- Can't you?
- No.
Barbara, I can't get my wellies off.
Oh, all right.
(Grunts)
Thank you.
You want some soup? I can heat it up.
- No. No. I'm too tired.
- Good. So am I.
Well, we got the potatoes in.
I've gone off potatoes.
All we've got to do now
is reduce the rest of the garden to a fine tilth,
do the same to the allotments, get the seeds
under cloches, all the onion sets in,
build the extension to the pigsty for Pinky's litter,
and we're all set up for another year.
- Is that all?
- Apart from the routine chores, yes.
(Laughs maniacally)
What was that?
That's the nearest I can get
to hysterical laughter.
It wasn't as hard as this last year, was it?
Probably. I can't remember.
I think I've got amnesia.
Do you know who I hate
more than anyone else at this moment?
- Me.
- No, even worse than you.
- Who, then?
- That Mother Nature woman.
She has a holiday all winter, then comes back,
and bang, wallop, goes raving mad!
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, you see...
we could be approaching this the wrong way.
If those potatoes have to come up,
I shall set light to your hair.
No, no, no, no. I'm talking about nature's clock.
Now, look, have you ever seen
a sparrow yawning?
- No.
- And why?
They probably hold their wings
in front of their beaks.
No, no, no. Because they follow nature's clock.
They get up with the sun
and go to bed with the sun.
Clever Dicks.
What I'm saying is, Barbara,
why don't we do the same?
It's only seven o'clock.
Nobody goes to bed at seven o'clock.
It's only seven o'clock
because your watch says so.
I'm funny like that.
I usually tell the time by looking at my watch.
But it's not important.
Why don't we work while it's light
and go to bed when it's dark?
We'd never see anybody.
Only for a bit,
while we've got this heavy workload on.
I know it seems odd,
but it's common sense, love.
All right. I'm game if you are.
- I am whacked!
- Right.
Oh!
Of course, you know, if Margo comes in now,
and finds we've gone to bed,
you know what she's going to think, don't you?
Well, I mean, it's not out of the question, is it?
The way we feel?
Yes, you're quite right.
Oooh.
Come on! It's freezing in here!
I can't get my wellies off now.
Well, can't you sleep in them?
I've heard about men like you!
Oh, all right!
- You've still got your trousers on!
- Well, I would have!
What? Oh, here, here...
Get off the blank... get off the blanket!
Come on. It's freezing!
- Ooh!
- Oh.
- Oh, that's better.
- Yeah, I told you it would be.
Do you realise The Archers are still on?
Now, look, don't keep thinking about the time.
We're just two little animals
doing the most natural thing in the world.
We're allowing ourselves
to drift into unconsciousness
So our bodies can recharge
until the sun wakes us up tomorrow.
- It's beautifully simple, you see.
- Yes. Put like that, yes, it is.
- Good night, love.
- Night-night.
- Oh, blast!
- What?
I don't feel sleepy now.
Neither do.
Still, give it a chance, give it a chance.
Do you remember when Grace Archer died?
- Barbara!
- Sorry.
Some people actually sent wreathes, you know.
Well, you wouldn't expect them
to send get-well cards, would you?
Do you remember when Walter Gabriel...
Now, look, Barbara, we are here to sleep,
not discuss The Archers.
- Sorry.
- All right.
You were the one who brought up
people sending wreathes.
Only because you brought up Grace Archer.
Let's drop the subject.
Oh...
Oh-ho-ho...
If you start puffing,
I'm going to talk about Walter Gabriel.
- I didn't realise I was doing it.
- Well, you were.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- All right.
(Whispers) Are you holding your breath?
- No. Why?
- I can't hear you breathing.
I was trying to breathe quietly
so as not to keep you awake!
Breathe normally, then!
- OK!
- Right
- Oh...
- Now you're puffing again.
Oh, goodness' sake!
If I can put up with your twitching,
surely you can put up with a little puffing!
- What twitching?
- You were twitching.
- I don't twitch, Tom!
- You're like a puppy having a bad dream!
- Oh, I'm getting up! This is unnatural!
- You haven't given it a fair chancel
Well, I mean, it's ridiculous,
going to bed at this time of day.
When we go to bed normally,
we lie down and sleep.
We don't row about twitching and puffing!
I'm sorry, love,
but you've just given in to the obvious.
The fact is you are tired.
It's habit that's keeping you awake.
- Right, what's keeping you awake, then'?
- You are!
- You lying hound!
- It is absolutely true!
If was on my own,
I'd close my eyes and be away in no time.
Oh, all right, then. Get on with it!
[ Will
Right.
Oh...
My move, cheat!
(Tom whistles jauntily)
Morning.
Tired, love?
Tired? Why should I be tired?
Went to bed with the sun, got up with the sun.
The fact I had no sleep between going to bed
and getting up is neither here nor there.
- Why should I be tired?
- No, no. It wasn't a total success, was it?
No, I don't think so. I realised that
after the fifth game of chess.
- What time was that?
- Twelve.
- When did we finish listing our Top 20 films?
- About half one.
- I'm still not sure about Psycho, you know.
- Another night like that, and I'll be one.
(Laughs) I'll tell you something very interesting,
very interesting indeed.
We couldn't even get to sleep
at our normal time, could we?
Now, that is fantastically interesting, that is.
It is. I'll tell you one thing,
there's more to metabolism than meets the eye.
- If you don't shut up, my fist will meet your eye!
- Oi! Oi!
There's no point in getting annoyed with me.
I'm overtired and I get annoyed with who I like
when I'm overtired. I am overtired!
Sorry, love.
Not your fault. Good idea.
Just didn't work, that's all.
- I'll tell you what.
- What?
You go back to bed
and sleep as long as you like.
I'll get on with all the work and you can join me
when and if... and if you want to.
How about that?
Oh, Tom...
Good night.
That got you worried, didn't it?
Not half!
- Come on, then. Let's get at it.
- All right.
Come along, body. Come on.
Now, then... Here we go.
That's better. (Mimics Tarzan yell)
- Sssh!
- What?
- We promised not to wake Margo and Jerry.
- Oh, yes. Yes.
What are you doing?
- Silencing the bucket for when I milk the goat.
- That's ridic...
- Sssh, sssh.
Hello, Pinky. How's my little mother-to-be?
(Grunts)
They may be kicking, but you keep it to yourself.
Barbara, I think there's something wrong
with the goat.
- Why?
- It's her milk. It's got blue streaks in it.
- Did you leave that sponge in there?
- Yeah.
Well, the last thing I did
was to mop up some paraffin with it.
- Oh!
- Sssh!
(Muffled speech)
- It's ever so hard, being considerate, isn't it?
- That's because it's foreign to your nature.
I'm going to go and get the eggs.
You chop some wood for the range.
How do I chop wood without making a noise?
Use a rubber axe!
JERRY: Morning, peasants.
- Ssh!
BARBARA: Jerry!
Well, I'm certainly not the fairy
at the bottom of your garden.
- But you're up. You're dressed.
- You're remarkably perceptive this morning.
Well, let's get one thing clear.
We did not wake you up.
No. Margo did.
- We didn't wake her up either.
- No, I know.
- Then why are you out here moaning at us?
- I only said, "Good morning".
Because we have been totally silent,
unless you count breathing.
Yes, and totally considerate. You can't claim
to have heard a single noise from us.
- I don't.
- And why? Why?
Because we have greatness of spirit, that's why.
It could also something to do with the fact
that we weren't here.
- What?
- We stayed overnight with friends at Chobham.
We've only just got back.
Well, you might have told us,
you thoughtless swine.
(Laughs)
- Come on, hurry up! I've ironed the bed.
BARBARA: Coming.
Oh, dear! What have you got all that lot for?
- Well, it's eight o'clock, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Going to bed, aren't we?
- Yes.
There we are, just a few things to keep us going
those six or seven hours till we go to sleep.
There's chess and Halma, that war game
that we never understand the rules of,
and tiddlywinks and snakes and ladders,
and a pen and paper
to write down our 50 favourite songs.
(Yawns) And a shack in case we get hungry.
So you're not overconfident
of getting to sleep, then?
- Did I give you that impression?
- Well, sort of.
Well, I do try, Tom, honestly.
It's just I'm not convinced that adjusting
to nature's clock is all that simple.
But we're whacked.
We came in from that garden dead beat.
You actually fell asleep digging once
and that's not easy to do.
But you can't just go to sleep
at eight o'clock in the evening.
Look, I understand how you feel, love,
but why don't you just...
Look, just try and snuggle down and...
Well, just try and let go, eh, love?
Eh, love? Eh?
TOM: Oh...
(Vehicle approaches)
(Tyres squeal)
(Vehicle doors slam)
BARBARA: Who's that?
- Who?
- I don't know.
- Probably.
- OK.
(Vehicle approaches)
(Vehicle doors slam)
- What was that?
- It's people in the road. Go to sleep.
- Noisy devils!
- Its all right. They're gone now.
Go to sleep.
(Music and chatter)
DES O'CONNOR: & What the world needs now
4 Is love, sweet ove...
Ah!
I'll Kill them!
What is it? Drunks?
No, it's not drunks. It's those so-called friends
of ours next door having a party.
Oh, not tonight! Not tonight!
Shut up!
- So much for consideration.
- Oh, it's not fair!
After all, what is gander for the sauce
is goose for the other!
Exactly. Blimey, we did all we could
when they complained.
What do we get in return?
Des O'Connor in the middle of the night!
Will you shut up?!
Oh! Ow! Ow!
Right, that is it!
- Where are you going?
- I'm going round there to break it up!
Wait for me!
I'm in the mood for a bit of violence myself!
(Cheerful whistling)
You can shut up for a start!
Don't bother getting out of the car.
The party is over.
(Knocking)
Cloth, please, Jerry.
Antonia's been careless with her coleslaw.
Tom, Barbara.
Stephanie, Denzel, do come in.
Give them one drink.
That's all they'll be getting.
- Barbara, really!
- Don't get on your high horse with me, Margo.
- Consideration works both ways, you know.
- It's lovely to see you. Do go in.
Everybody, it's Stephanie and Denzel.
WOMAN: It's lovely to see you!
- (Lively chatter)
What on earth are you talking about?
Silent gardening.
That's what we're talking about.
We promised not to make a row in the morning.
What do we get in return? Bedlam!
- What time do you call this?
- Half-past eight.
Exactly! I think it's pretty poor...
- What?
- I said it's half-past eight.
Oh...
- At night?
- Of course.
We've only been asleep for half an hour!
Will this do, darling?
Good lord! It's the Wee Willie Winkies.
- Hello, Jerry.
- Hello, Jerry.
- What are you wearing your pyjamas for?
- They came round to complain, Jerry.
- About us.
- But why put your pyjamas on to do it?
- We were in bed.
- At half-past eight at night? Why?
(Sniggers)
Jerry!
- No, we were... We were just tired out, that's all.
- I see.
You did look pretty awful this morning.
We've got a right to look awful.
It gets frantic for us at this time of year.
Come on, join the party. A few gallons of booze
are as good as ten hours' sleep.
- Shall we?
- Why not? Who needs sleep?
- Good. Come on, then.
- Tom, Barbara...
- Aren't you going to change first?
- Into what?
These are our best clothes.
No. Promise to tell everyone
that you thought it was a pyjama party.
Only if you slip into yours, Margo.
- Ta-dal
- Oh, dear...
Everything all right here? Good.
Are youen;...
Are you enjoying yourselves?
Do have a... do have some.
- Ah... It's going well, isn't it, darling?
- No, it isn't.
- Why? What's up?
- Not what, Jerry, who.