Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 2, Episode 6 - Home Sweet Home - full transcript

- OK?
- Coming!

There we are.

And the next.

Right. It's all right.

Right, I've got it. Oh.

Oh.

Alas, poor Perky, I knew her well.

- Don't be ghoulish.
- Sorry.

Do you think Pinky'll miss her?

No. She'll be on her honeymoon soon.

Now, then, hang them somewhere cool
and draughty for a few hours, the man said.



- Spare bedroom, that's cool.
- It's not draughty.

It will be when I take the door off.

Hello. It's only Margo.

What a lovely... Oh, my God.

What have you got on your kitchen table?

Miss Mountshaft. That'll teach her
to throw you out of the music society.

I resigned, Barbara. Now, what is it?

Ina word, Perky.

One of your pigs?

You mean you've killed one of your pigs?

Yes, we have.

You baffle me, you really do.

For month after month
you cosset the animal and treat it like gold,

and then quite calmly kill it.



- Margo, it was always gonna end up as grub.
- They're not pets.

Barbara, you'll forgive me for saying this,

but I am appalled by this ice-cool,

even Nazi-like attitude to killing things
that has crept into your nature of late.

Oh, don't be silly, Margo.

As a matter of fact, I had a good weep
when we said goodbye to Perky. So did Tom.

I did not. I had something in my eye.

We were upset. Of course we were.
But you see, in the final analysis,

self-sufficiency is about being practical,
and this is being practical.

- If you say so, Tom.
- do.

- Then answer me a practical question.
- What?

Why is one half of your pig a sheep?

He had a split personality.

Now who's being silly?

No, you see, what happened
is we did a swap with the butcher.

You're looking very elegant this afternoon.
Where are you going, Buckingham Palace?

No. I just dropped in
to tell you some very good news.

Oh, lovely. What?

Look, do you think we could go
into the other room?

This is rather like having a conversation
in an abattoir.

All right. Come on.

If the cat comes in, shout.

Well, now, what's this good news?

No, wait for Tom. I want to tell you both.

Well..what, what, what?

The people who have moved in
next door to you are charming.

Yes?

That's it. That is the good news.

Oh.

It is good news.

I mean, we don't want
just anybody moving into The Avenue.

No, Mr and Mrs Weaver will do very nicely.

But they only moved here yesterday.

You were in there a bit quick.

I was not in there a bit quick-ly. Adverb,
Barbara.

I just happened to drop in this morning.

You've got your
just-happened-to-drop-in outfit on.

I could smack your face sometimes, Tom.

What are they like, then?

Well, put it this way. They've got
a ceramic umbrella stand in the hall,

split-level cooker, and not a paperback
to be seen on the bookshelves.

I said to myself,
"Margo, these people are all right."

- Conservatives?
- Of course.

Weaver. Weaver. Good name, that.

It has a nice English sound to it, yes.

Quite. Yes.
Redolent of the old mill towns of the North.

Clogs on the cobblestones.
Midden out the back.

They come from Bournemouth.
I checked.

Ah, they'll be the Hampshire Weavers.

Spelt W-E-E-E-V-E-E-R-E, wouldn't they?

I know you're making fun of me.

Well, you're such a snob.

I admit it. It's the only way
one can protect oneself in this day and age.

- They've got a dog?
- Of course.

- Basset hound?
- Beagle.

Ah. It makes a change
from goats and a pig, I suppose.

A very refreshing one.

I suppose, as far as you're concerned,

Tom and I must be a blot
on The Avenue's escutcheon.

- Yes, you are.
- Oh.

But you are very dear friends.

And by now I have risen like a phoenix

from the fires of your eccentricities.

Aw, don' she talk luv'ly?

Yeah, very nice.

You know what I mean.

I mean that nothing you can do now
will shock me. It's quite simple.

Yes. I understand that.

Ah.

Oh, when's the boar-walker coming, Barbara?

Tomorrow.

- Oh, yes.
- Boar-walker? What's a boar-walker?

- This chap's bringing his boar to serve Pinky.
- With what?

Oh, my God!

Margo, you're shocked.

- Where?
- Not in here. In the garden.

But I shall be able to see it over the fence.

Only if you're looking.

- Well, what about Mrs Weaver?
- She can watch if she likes.

But... this sort of thing
simply does not go on in Surbiton.

It must do, Margo.

That is how little baby Surbitonites are made.

Good morning.

Come on. Get in there, boy. Come on, old boy.

Lovely. Go on. Get in. That's it. Good. Lovely.

- Good.
- Lovely. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Should have bought them a bottle of
champagne, really, don't you think?

My old boy don't need champagne,
don't you worry.

- Yorkshire Saddleback, isn't he?
- No. Large White.

Yes, of course. Large White.

Good.

You've quite a little place here, haven't you?

- Yes, yes. Oh, yes. Want to have a look round?
- Like to.

- Tom?
- What?

Have you seen the Berlin Wall over there?

Would you excuse me?

Hello, Margo.

Tom.

Good idea, this.

I thought so.

Very nice of you to think of our pig's privacy.

Well, that's about it, Mr May.
Except, of course, the allotments,

- but they're a couple of miles away.
- Oh, yes.

- Glass of wine, Mr May?
- That would be very welcome.

Only be careful because it's home-made
and you might find it a bit strong.

Forewarned is forearmed. All the best.

Cheers.

Mm. Very nice.

Well, Mr May, what do you think?

Could do with a drop more alcohol in it.

No, no, no. I mean...
l mean what do you think of the place generally?

Oh... very nice.

I ask you because you're a countryman
and know what you're talking about.

Well, though I say myself, I suppose I would.

Do you know my family's been farming
since the 17th century?

They must be tired by now, mustn't they?

Barbara, please, I'm trying to have

- a logical conversation with Mr May.
- Sorry.

- I'd welcome any criticisms you'd care to make.
- You would?

Yes. Though you may be surprised to hear it,

Barbara and I had no experience of this
before we went into it.

Oh, that doesn't surprise me.

Pardon?

Well, it shows, doesn't it?

It's all very nice
but you're just playing at it, aren't you?

We are not. This is our way of life!

Oh, dear. Seemed more like just a hobby.

- Now, look...
- Tom, Tom.

What do you mean, Mr May?

- Look, you two want to be self-sufficient, right?
- We are.

By God, yes, but you're making it hard
for yourselves, aren't you?

- Where's your integrated system?
- We've got a system.

But it's not integrated. Just look at your land.

- What have you really got? A back garden.
- It's a big one, though, isn't it?

And be fair. We've got two allotments as well.

Two miles away and no transport.

You'll say next our animals are half-starved.

Oh, they're well-fed, all right, but anyone
can spend half his profit on buying feed.

Now, that's not true, not entirely.

I graze our goat on the common every day,
absolutely free.

- How far away is the common?
- It's only three miles. I don't mind the walk.

- What about the goat?
- She doesn't mind the walk.

There you are. Look, I'm talking about milk yield.

You walk a goat three miles, she fills her belly
with grass, but instead of going on making milk,

it's going on giving her enough energy
to walk home again.

Oh, you're just picking holes now.

I'm not.
You asked what I thought and I'm telling you.

If you don't want to take no notice,
I'll wait till my boy's finished and I'll be off.

No. I'm sorry. It's just never pleasant to hear
what you're doing is straight out of Comic Cuts.

- Who said that? I didn't say that.
- You did.

No. I give you credit for making it work at all.

All I'm saying,
is you're going about it arse uppards.

- Pardon.
- That's all right.

Look, I know what'd do you. Farley's Place.

It's a smallholding down near where I live.

No. You've got it wrong. We don't want
a smallholding or to go into farming.

I know what you want.
You want to be self-sufficient, don't you?

Like a little island.

That's very astute of you.
You got that right.

Just cos I come from t'country,
don't mean I'm a dope with straw in my hair.

I know what you want and I'm telling you
Farley's Place would do you a treat.

Eight good acres there.
Why don't you come and have a look?

No, I don't think so.

You see, we've never really thought
of moving out.

Up to you, but looking don't do no harm.

You might pick up a few pointers at least.

True, true. Well, why not?

- Hey, Barbara?
- Yes, if you like.

- I'll drive you back in the van.
- Oh, smashing.

We don't have to go in the back with the boar,
do we?

No, I wouldn't do that to you because afterwards
he gets in a very, very funny mood.

I wonder why.

Well, look at it from the pig's point of view,
Barbara.

Just as he expects to go on his honeymoon,
they sling him in the van and send him home.

Shall we go?

Well, thanks very much for showing us round,
Mr May.

That's all right. You take my advice.

- You think about it.
- Will do.

You're in good time.
The London train will be five minutes.

Thanks very much. Bye, Mr May.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Shame we haven't got the money for the fare.

Never mind. Show them a leg.

Hey...

You are so right, Mrs Weaver.

You know, even parts of Surbiton have been
debased by the hobbledy-hoy element.

Yes, Mrs Leadbetter,
but that is East Surbiton, isn't it?

Oh, quite.

See, that's why we feel that here
in our little enclave we are so fortunate.

Aren't we, Jeremy?

Jeremy.

Oh, yes. Mm.

You see, in The Avenue,
one can still rely on a level of erm...

well, I know it's an old-fashioned expression
these days,

but a level of responsible behaviour.

Hello, Margo. Oi, oi. All right?

- Hello, love.
- Hello.

- Where have you been?
- I've been having a think in the garden.

I'm the one who thinks in the garden.
You find your own place to think.

- No need to, I've thunk.
- Oh, yes? What about?

- That smallholding Mr May showed us.
- Yes, it was nice.

More than nice. We'd be mugs
not to move down there, you know?

- What?
- Come on.

Here. Come on. Over here. Come on.

Let's discuss it. Let's talk about it.
Now, look. Listen.

Look at the advantages.
Eight acres. Eight acres.

You'd need a horse to plough that lot.

You could have a horse there!
There's room for an elephant if we wanted.

- We don't.
- A hypothetical elephant.

- I don't want a hypothetical elephant.
- You know what I mean.

Think what we could grow! We could develop
that integrated system Mr May told us about.

I never fully understood what he meant by that.

- (Chuckles) Didn't you?
- No. What did he mean by that?

And those outbuildings, you see?

They really are it.
That's what we need, you see?

Room for store, feed, equipment.
What have we got here?

One mingy little shed. Every time you open
the door, you get a face full of ironmongery.

- Question.
- Yes.

Would Pinky be able to move
now that she's pregnant?

Of course she would!

And that farrowing sty down there's beautiful!

- It'd be like having a litter in the London Clinic.
- True.

When the family comes,
we can run them in the orchard.

It must be better than them
circling under one apple tree.

- True again.
- Think of it. Half an acre of fruit!

True cubed.

- Heifers!
- Pardon?

- Heifers!
- Tom, will you sit down?

It's like having a conversation
with a jumping cracker.

Sorry. Heifers.
We could move into heifers. Cows.

But that's farming.
We didn't want to become farmers.

No, no, no, no. Cows, Cows.

Fertiliser, grass, hay.

Winter feed straight back into the cows.
That's self-sufficiency done properly.

The house was dead right. The right size.

In the middle of your land. No more
three-mile walk up the common with your goat.

You just chuck her out the window.

And what about that meadow
that runs down to the stream, eh?

- For the heifers?
- No, you and me, all that long grass. Cor.

Yes, it was nice.

It's more than nice. It's practical, that's the point!

Will you be jumping up again in a minute?

No. I'm here now.

- Shame, because you're on my hand.
- Sorry.

But it is practical, isn't it?

Have you got one practical reason
why this shouldn't be a good move?

- No. No.
- Right. Right!

- What are you doing? Where are you going?
- Get the ball rolling.

Estate agent's the first thing.
See how much this place is worth.

- I suppose it is.
- What are you doing here?

Oh, that was some improvements
that Mr May suggested for this place.

For this place? No need now.

No.

(Mouths silently)

I shall miss Tom and Barbara, you know?

I said, I shall miss Tom and Barbara.

(Shouts) Jerry, I said
I shall miss Tom and Barbara.

Ow.

- Are you listening to the The New Seekers?
- Yes.

- Why?
- I like The New Seekers.

Well, I detest wallpaper music.

Oh. That's why I'm wearing headphones.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but I don't understand

how you can listen to some silly 16-bar song

when you've got the whole of Fidelio
on the shelf.

I prefer British pop to German pop.

- Philistine.
- True.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, you said I was a philistine.

- Before that.
- What?

I said three times,
"I'shall miss Tom and Barbara."

Yes, so shall l.

They've been good friends.

Yeah. Good entertainment too.

It's like having a permanent
three-ring circus over the fence.

I shall miss poor Barbara in particular.

- Yes, so shall l.
- Why? Why Barbara in particular?

Well, I mean,
you don't have to worry about Tom, do you?

If Tom thought pole squatting was the lifestyle,
he'd be straight up the pole.

Barbara, well, she's more...

More...

...sophisticated... like you.

Thank you, Jerry.

I'm making them this as a going-away present.

Ah. What is it?

Isn't it obvious?

It's Napoleon's tomb at Les Invalides.

Very nice.

(Knocking)

- May I come in?
- Barbara!

Barbara!

What was that for?

- I shall miss you terribly.
- So shall l.

- Jerry!
- Yes, I know - drink.

Come and sit down, dear.

Oh, isn't that awful?

Yes. I'm unpicking it.

Actually, I just called round to ask you a favour.

I wondered if we could give your phone number
to the estate agents.

Only it's a bit awkward for us non-GPO types
to keep dashing backwards and forwards.

Oh, yes, of course, dear. Of course.

Thanks, Jerry. Thanks.

Well... not long now, eh?

No.

- What's the matter?
- Barbara.

I don't...

I don't want to go.

Why ever not?
I thought everything was hunky-dory.

Oh, it is. That's the trouble.

It's all very logical, rational and reasonable but...

I just... I don't want to leave my little house.

Does Tom know this?

No, of course he doesn't.
He's not married to some little thing in a gymslip

who cries to go home
just because the lessons get hard.

I mean, it's only one...

little emotional reason
against a whole mountain of common sense.

I've never thought of Tom
as a mountain of common sense.

Oh, we both think it's common sense, Jerry.
That's the trouble.

Well, you must simply tell Tom
that you are not going.

I certainly would.

- Yes, you would.
- Meaning, Jerry. Meaning?

Well, Tom and Barbara are different,
aren't they?

They don't arrive at a solution like we do.

Good lord, they have more conferences
than the CBI and the TUC.

Yes, and we all know which one is the TUC,
don't we?

The one who is dictating the terms, namely Tom.

- That's not true.
- Loyal, passive Barbara.

Well, I shall tell Tom.

One step and I'll drop you where you stand.

- Barbara!
- I might be smaller but I'm a better fighter.

- Really?
- I'm sorry, but that goes for you too, Jerry.

Promise me you won't tell Tom.
Promise me, both of you.

- Very well. I promise.
- Jerry?

Yes, of course. Yes.

I don't want to be beaten up.

Honestly, Barbara, I do think you ought to tell
him, you know? After all, this is important.

I'm not going to. I'm not.

I can't... jeopardise our whole way of life...

just because I'm...

a silly, emotional woman.

(Door slams)

I tell you this, Jerry.

The male animal has a lot to answer for.

What have I done now?

All of you! Down through the ages.
And it's the woman who always suffers.

You drag her along behind you
like a mere thing, an object, a chattel.

- Look, I said...
- Don't interrupt, Jerry!

Just put that hi-fi equipment away
and make the coffee.

Anything you say, chattel.

(Shouts) Morning! Tom?

Hello, Jerry.

I don't know whether it's of any interest to you,

but I think I may have found
a buyer for this house.

Oh?

Chap I know wants to move out here.

Money'd be no problem
and he's been vetted and approved by Margo.

What do you say?

He wouldn't be one of these ripping things out
and putting things in types?

You're moving. I don't see that it matters to you.

No, no, no. It's just that, you know,

you like to know that somebody
will look after it properly.

- It's a house, not a dog!
- True, true.

Incidentally, painting a yard of skirting board
won't put much on the price.

Now, look, I have respect for this place.

Oh, we did get out of the pigsty
on the wrong side this morning, didn't we?

Well, a house isn't just a house, is it?

We've been here a long time.

It's been a good old place, this.
A good old place.

It's all right.

You know something?

Barbara and I moved in here
a week before we got married and...

- Don't you mean a week after you got married'?
- No.

As soon as we got indoors, we got this feeling.

Did you? (Chuckles)

Of being at home!

And over the years, you see, you build up
a store of memories about a place.

Every corner of this old house
has a memory for me... and Barbara.

- (Hums)
- Oh, shut up. Happy memories. You know...

Like that broken banister rail. Ha.

I did that
when I fell down the stairs that Christmas.

That dead pigeon that clogged our water tank.

Cor. Yeah, here's something...

I've got a job to go to before you completely
submerge yourself in sentimentality.

Am I going to tell this chap or not?

- Yes. Of course. Certainly. Definitely. Only...
- Only what?

I don't want to go, Jerry.

- Oh, you're another one.
- Pardon?

Er, nothing.
Look, you've been extolling the virtues

of this cold-comfort farm place all week.
What's suddenly gone wrong?

Nothing. We've gone into everything and
everything says the practical thing to do is move

but when it comes right down to it...
I don't want to.

Just for one silly, little emotional reason?

- Well, that is it exactly, Jerry.
- Yes.

How can I put that forward
as a valid argument to Barbara?

- I 'should try.
- I can't.

- I 'should try.
- I can't

- All right, then, don't.
- I will, then.

Good.

If you'll excuse me, I'll return
to the comparative sanity of the plastics industry.

Thanks, Jerry. Thanks for talking me round.

Oh!

(Sighs)

14 eggs today.

Good-0. I'm painting.

Mm. So I see.

That's... two more than yesterday.

Oh, is it?

- Tom...
- Barbara...

I've got to say something.
I've been trying to keep it inside but I can't.

- What'?

I don't want to move.

But... But..

Oh, yes, I know it's all buts.
I knew you'd say that and you're absolutely right.

I mean, I know I'm behaving like a silly,
emotional woman.

I can't give you one sensible explanation.

It's just that I love this house!

And I want to grow old and grey in it.

(Sobs)

- Do you, love?
- Yes.

So much for relying on me to be practical.

Now, now, now. Don't blame yourself, Barbara.

It's part of a woman's make-up.

I've actually been going round the house
patting things.

Have you really?

Yes, yes. It is. That's what it is.
A woman's make-up.

(Chuckles) It's not the way a bloke thinks.
Good heavens, no.

I like this house, of course. Very much.

But, you know, when you come down to it,
it's just somewhere to live.

Yes, that's the trouble. That's the difference.
You can think with your head, not your heart.

Yes, I suppose I can.

Oh, I feel such a fool, Tom.

Now, now, now. Don't dwell on it, love.

Look... what you feel is important to me.

In fact, it's important enough to say.. this...

We'll stay here, Barbara.

Oh, no, Tom, no. I couldn't.
I couldn't be that selfish.

You've got your heart set on that smallholding.

Well...

maybe I had.

But if you really want to stay here, love,
here we stay.

- But...
- No.

That's my final word.

Oh, Tom!

Sorry, forgot my briefcase.

I see you two have performed
another living fairytale.

We're not going, Jerry! We're staying!

Oh, good. Tom told you, then?

Yes, it's all sorted out, Jerry!

- Get a move on or you'll be late.
- Told me what?

- That he doesn't want to go.
- (Mouths silently)

He was practically crying on my shoulder
about it ten minutes ago. You all right?

- Because he doesn't want to go?
- Yes.

You toad!

Barbara, that's an egg. Be practical!

- Like you, you mean? Yes, like you.
- It's a waste.

Yes, I shall be very sorry
to see Barbara and Tom go.

They've been such friends
to Jeremy and myself.

Basically, they're very nice people.

What about that episode the other day,
coming home on the back of that awful lorry?

Oh, a little eccentricity.

No, I can assure you, Mrs Weaver,
that was not typical of their behaviour at all.

No, I'm sure it isn't.

Toad!

Toad!