Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Day Peace Broke Out - full transcript

(Bellows) Tom! Lunch is ready.

TOM: Coming!

TOM: Ow!

- Oh...!
- What's wrong?

Oh, Tom, you haven't done your back again?

No, no, no, I... (Groans)

I've just been butted.

- (Chuckles)
- Well, don't laugh. (Groans)

- Who by? (Laughs)
- Well, it wasn't one of the chickens.

- It was that killer goat of ours.
- What, little Geraldine?

Little Geraldine? Rhinoceros in goat's clothing.



I never have any trouble with her.

- No, well, you wouldn't. All girls together.
- (Chuckles)

Yeah. Why's she suddenly got so stroppy?

- Puberty.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Goats don't have puberty.

- Do they?
- That's what she told me.

Oh, you don't have to go to America
to see Disneyland. It's right here.

Oh, stop moaning and eat your lunch.
It's a nice soup.

Oh, smashing. I think it's this leek soup
that's giving me these muscles.

Oh, that's a shame, cos it's not leek.

- It is.
- It's not.

That's funny. I could have sworn
I'd put some potatoes in there.

- You picked some leeks from the garden.
- No, I didn't.

- Well, I didn't.
- So?



Huh. I'm saying
I didn't pick any leeks from the garden.

Now, let's see. You didn't pick any leeks,
and I didn't pick any leeks.

That's why we're having potato soup.

- No, no, you're missing the point.
- Only because it's so obscure.

Look, you haven't picked any leeks
and I haven't picked any leeks,

but some leeks are missing,
so what's happened to them?

- Are you sure?
- Aml sure?

Is a shepherd sure
when some of his flock go missing?

I planted 96 leeks.
There are now only 88. That's six short.

- Eight.
- I said eight.

Perhaps they died.
Perhaps the cat's been watering them.

That wouldn't make them disappear.
No. Somebody's been pinching them.

- Oh.
- Think we ought to call the police?

Well, I don't quite see the Flying Squad
belting down here over eight leeks.

No. Perhaps they've got a Leek Squad.

- They'd be Welsh.
- Yeah.

Long way to come, isn't it? We won't bother.

All right.

Honestly, if the traffic in London
gets much worse, it's going to grind to a halt.

Do you know, it took me 45 minutes
to get across London Bridge this evening?

Good Lord!
That's 15 minutes more than last week.

And to cap it all, just as I turn into The Avenue,

some stupid bitch on a Yamaha
nearly took my wing mirror off.

It wouldn't be Miss Mountshaft, by any chance,
hurrying to rehearse The Sound Of Music?

Please, don't mention that show. You don't know
what it's like being married to Julie Andrews.

(Laughs) Oh, come on, Jerry!
Getting that part could make Margo a star.

At Surbiton Town Hall?

In any case, she's totally mis...

She's totally miscast. I mean,
can you really see Margo as an apprentice nun?

- Well...
- Can you, Tom?

- What?
- Can you see Margo as an apprentice nun?

They're called apostates, aren't they?
Or is that an operation?

Do tell me if I'm boring you, won't you?

Oh, sorry. No, I was just looking at my leeks.

In case they elope with the Brussels sprouts?

Somebody's pinching them.
Once was all right, but it's three times now.

Really! You and your vegetables!

You're about as boring as Margo
and her Sound Of bloody Music.

4 Ray - a drop of golden sun

4 Me...

I'm sorry to be so long,

but one does have to keep such a careful eye
on cételette d'agneau au Duo de la Galette.

Oh, lovely! Lamb cutlets.

Yes. Well, I thought meat for the main course,

because your blood gets so little iron, Barbara.

- Oh, we do eat spinach.
- Well, it's hardly the same thing, is it?

Dessert is going to be a total surprise,

so I thought we'd start with something
terribly predictable - leek soup.

- Pardon?
- Leek soup.

- Fresh leeks?
- Of course.

Why the significant glances?

Well... some leeks
are missing from our front garden.

Not that you're not welcome to them, Margo...

Tom,
you should have joined the diplomatic corps.

Well, I wasn't implying that she stole them.

Please tell me what that is.

- Its a bill from Harrods.
- Thank you.

And would you please read aloud
the item under "Quail's eggs'?

- Two pounds of leeks.
- Thank you very much. I rest my case.

Oh, Margo! There's no case to answer.
I wasn't accusing you of anything.

- Oh, I thought you were.
- Of course we weren't!

Our best friend, somebody who gives us meat
and a super-surprise dessert.

I can't wait to see what it is, Margo.

It's Bombe Surprise.

Oh, dear!

Oh, no, whoever it is that's pinching our leeks
is a nasty piece of work... like Jerry.

Yes. 16 he's had now. 16.

- You number them?
- Certainly.

And know them all by name, presumably!

(Chuckles) What a lot of fuss about nothing.

It's not nothing to us.
It's not just leeks - it's part of our capital.

And however many it is, it's stealing.

I couldn't agree more, Tom.

But you never agree with Tom.

Well, I do on this occasion.

This leek business is symptomatic

of the moral decline
since the fall of the Conservative government.

If it isn't young girls
with obscene innuendi on their T-shirts,

it's trades-union leaders haranguing us
from the safety of a television studio.

It's open-neck shirts and trouser suits
at the Dorchester.

It's "Monday to Friday" becoming
"Monday thru Friday". T-H-R-U, by the way.

And to cap it all, it's Test matches
being marred by banner-waving thugs at Lord's.

Well, that's opened up the discussion a bit.

Very well. Let's confine it to leeks.

Oh, God. Where's the alcohol?

Whoever is stealing them is showing a disregard
for private property and should be punished.

Right. They still chop thieves' hands off
in Saudi Arabia.

What do you propose doing?
Lying in wait with a scimitar?

I mean I have a right to protect my property,
and I intend to.

Yes, and I won't be standing in the background.
I shall be in there with a garden rake.

Well, I think you're taking this far too seriously.
You're making mountains out of molehills.

- Better than taking nothing seriously.
- What do you mean?

Well... music, for example.

I mean, most blokes would be proud to have
their wives play the lead in The Sound Of Music.

- What has Jerry been saying?
- Oh... I don't want to tell tales.

I don't expect he meant it, anyway.

Jerry...

What have you been saying
about The Sound Of Music?

- (Whispers) Tom...
- (Gasps)

- Don't do that.
- Now, look, you can't stay here all night.

It's ridiculous. Now, come to bed. Come on.

All right. They must pinch them at night, though.
We're always about in the day.

- Shh. Listen.
- (Footsteps)

All right. Stay where you are.
This is a citizen's arrest.

Can you hear me? Bloody sauce!

- (Air gun fires)
- (Gasps)

And let that be a lesson to you!

Are you sure
that goat went for you again this morning?

Yes, I had to run the gauntlet again.

It's funny. Just been licking my hand.

Yeah, all right. So, you've got a way with goats.
I've got a way with teapots.

Pow, pow, pow! Pow, pow!

Pow-ow! Pow-ow! Pow...

(Coughing)

Well, Wyatt, when you've cleaned up Dodge
City, could you do the same with the pigsty?

Yeah, OK, OK. I was just erm...

Playing cowboys.
I'm worried about you, you know.

Ever since you pelleted that bloke,
you've been gun-crazy.

Nonsense.

Mind you, I'd have been all right, wouldn't I,
in Dodge City and places like that?

What as? A dance-hall girl?

Look, that was a pretty fancy piece of shooting,
you know.

To get a bloke in the backside - one shot,
in the dark, at a hundred yards - can't be bad.

Not like missing a chicken at six inches.

It ducked, Barbara.
Will you kindly remember that?

No, this was different.
This was a different feeling, something basic.

Like a homesteader defending his land
from Indians. Hurons, probably.

Not in Texas.
Hurons are bald and come from Canada.

- Well, how would you know?
- I read it.

- Where? Where's your source?
- Your Boy's Book Of Knowledge.

Don't split hairs. I'm just saying
that thief got what he deserved, and I'm glad.

- So am I.
- He meddled with the fastest gun in Surbiton.

- (Doorbell)
- Oh, front door. I'll go.

I hope he's a driving instructor.

I hope he has to sit down all day.
That'll teach him. (Chuckles)

- Who was it?
- An Officer of the Court. You know that thief?

- Yes.
- The swine's doing me for common assault.

Very well. Now, Mr Bennett,

in consideration of the cross-summons brought
against you by Mr Good, I have this to say.

You have, on your own admission, stolen
a total of 18 leeks from Mr Good's garden.

Such a theft
might be considered by some to be petty.

I consider theft to be theft.

I therefore set your fine at £10.
Have you anything to say?

- No, sir.
- Very well. You may step down.

- Now, Mr Good...
- Oh... yes?

You, on your own admission,
did shoot Mr Bennett

in the left buttock with an airgun pellet.

- True.
- I know it's true.

- Sorry.
- I am, of course, totally unable

to condone you
taking the law into your own hands.

The law is enforced
by a fairly well-known body of men and women

known as the Metropolitan Police. (Chuckles)

(Jerry laughs sycophantically)

I would ask you to bear this in mind.

Nevertheless, I am cognisant of the fact
that your lifestyle is somewhat unusual,

and therefore,
18 leeks have rather more significance for you

than they do for a... normal person.

I am therefore prepared to show leniency.

You will be bound over for three months.

- Have you anything to say?
- Thank you, sir. Yes, I have.

I would like to add this.

I have, in the past...

frequently thought of judges and magistrates
as pompous old twits.

- Have you?
- Yes. But...

.l was impressed by the way
you conducted yourself this morning.

And I realise that the establishment says
that I must have a token slap on the wrist.

This I accept.

How kind of you. I must, however, point out

that being bound over
is rather more than "a token slap on the wrist".

- Is it?
- Yes, it is.

- Oh.
- It means you will sign a solemn undertaking

to be a law-abiding citizen
for the next three months.

- Oh, I will.
- Very well, then.

Unless some other joker
comes and pinches my stuff.

Mr Good, when the law passes sentence,
the culprit is not empowered to add provisos.

Oh! Oh.

Well, in that case, I can't accept the law.
I shall have to refuse to be bound over.

- But you can't.
- I just have.

- You can't.
- Now, look. Look. Now, look.

I can't make a promise I might have to break.
If I am provoked...

I'm the one who's being provoked.

Clerk...

- Get out while you're winning, you bloody fool!
- No.

- Language, Jerry!
- Don't you, Tom!

- Don't worry. I won't.
- Be quiet.

Very well. Thank you.

Mr Good,
I must warn you that, unless you reconsider,

I shall have no alternative
but to implement what the law demands

in the situation you have created.

I'm very sorry, but I've got principles of my own.

I cannot promise not to defend what's mine,
even if I go to prison for... one or two days.

- And that is your final word?
- ltis.

In that case,
you will go to prison for 28 days to reconsider.

- 28?
- Next case.

Hello. How you been?

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Are you all right?
- Me? Yeah, I'm all right. Are you all right?

- Yes, I'm all right.
- Oh, that's all right, then.

How's Pentonville?

- I don't like it very much.
- No.

- Is it warm out?
- Yes.

Bit muggy.

- I work in the Kitchens.
- Do you?

- Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.
- What?

One of our warders here keeps parakeets.

- Does he?
- Yeah. Mr Richards, his name is.

- Have... have you seen them?
- What?

- His parakeets.
- Oh, no. Well, they're in his house.

Oh, yes, of course.
They would be, wouldn't they?

- Why are we having this conversation?
- Oh, I don't know. Oh, Tom, I do miss you!

I miss you too, love. There are 2,000 of us
in here, but it's ever so lonely.

- Not all in the same cell?
- Oh, no, no.

- I've started a tunnel, you know.
- Oh? I thought you might.

Oh, yes. If my reckoning is correct, I should
come out on the platform at Baker Street station.

Make sure you miss the rush hour.

Look, love... l did do the right thing, didn't 1?

- Of course you did.
- I didn't think it would cost 28 days.

- 26 now.
- Blimey. Is that all I've done?

Doesn't time drag in prison?

- Do you want to see Jerry?
- I didn't realise he was here.

- Mm, he brought me.
- Oh, he is a good friend, isn't he?

You are asilly sod.

- Thanks very much. Keeping well?
- Well, you and your precious principles.

You couldn't just say, "Thank you, sir,"
and go home.

Couldn't just crawl, like a sensible person.

- No, I couldn't.
- No, he couldn't.

Anyway, I've done two days.
26 more, and that'll be that.

Oh, no, it won't. This 28 days
isn't an alternative to being bound over.

You've just been sent here to think things out.

And then, if you still refuse to be bound over,
you'll get another 28 days, and so on and so on.

- But that's not fair.
- I could be here for years.

Well, then, agree to be bound over.
You could be home tomorrow.

There's only one thing to say
to such abject surrender.

Oh, dear. What?

Warder... l wanna see the guv'nor.

- Well there it is.
- Yeah.

I feel like the Count of Monte Cristo.

- Card for you.
- From you?

Mm-hm.

(Chuckles)

"Welcome home, Scarf ace."

- Most women would have cried.
- I did when you were in prison.

Thank you.

Mmm. Home, home, home.
They call it your castle, don't they? And it is.

- Shall we build a drawbridge?
- Sometimes I'd like to.

Sometimes I'd like to make our house
an independent state, with its own laws,

where we could lock ourselves away.

That's rich,
considering where you've come from!

Oh, thank you very much! Yeah.
Rake up my criminal record.

- Oh, I'm tired.
- Why? Haven't you been sleeping?

No, not tired.

Tired.

- Oh, I see.

Well, it's traditional. Returning prisoner and wife.

Hm. And we mustn't let these old traditions die,
must we?

Surprise, surprise!

Welcome home, Tom!

Oh, my goodness.
You've got an awful prison pallor about you.

- After three days?
- Here we are, then.

This'll bring the roses back to his cheeks.

- Oh, Jerry, how lovely!
- And may I say, Tom,

how proud I am of the stand you have taken?

And I don't care who knows it.

But if anyone should ask,
you've been on holiday.

- Ah, well, that's going to be a bit awkward.
- Why?

I'm giving a party for the lads who got out
with me, and when they meet the neighbours...

- They mustn't!
- Oh, come on, Margo.

You'll like them. They're nice fellows.
Especially Sledgehammer Harris.

Oh, was that the one
that kept calling you Pistol this morning?

No, that was Slicer Wanstead.

- Any Mafia people?
- One or two.

(Jerry chuckles)

Who was it said,
"Better a witty fool than a foolish wit"? (Laughs)

Well, it's great to be home.
Let's get this down us.

Yes, well, I think we ought to have a toast.

Right. Do you want us sitting or standing?

Standing, I think, Barbara. Jerry...

- What?
- Toast, please, Jerry.

Oh. Er...

Er. to absent friends, at the Ville.

- (Barbara sniggers)
- Jerry! I'll do it.

Here's to Tom.

Although I often find his general behaviour
irritating in the extreme,

I think we all applaud him for having the courage
to go to prison,

rather than kowtow to authority,

which is biased in favour of the yahoo.

Tom...

Well, I did kowtow in the end.
I signed my piece of paper, didn't 1?

Oh, you did everything you could.
Don't blame yourself.

No, I don't blame myself.
I blame that moron who stole the leeks.

- So do l. I hope he gets leek poisoning.
- And I hope that inflation cripples him.

What a lovely lot you are!

Come on. It's all in the past.
Forgive and forget. Eh, Tom?

Well... how shall I put it?

Erm... no.

(Jerry chuckles)

Hello.

(Sullenly) Hello.

It got a bit out of hand, didn't it?

Yes, it did a bit.

Look, Mr Good... could we have a chat?

No.

Ah, go on. Please.

All right, then. You'd better come in the house.

Ah!

There are 74 leeks there.

Sit down.

I've called before, a couple of times.

Yes, and left with a handful of leeks.

No, I mean just recently.
Well, I wanted to talk to you.

Well, I wouldn't have been in, would 1?
I was in prison.

- Look, Mr Good, I feel awful about this...
- Just...

I don't normally steal things
from people's gardens.

- Then why start with me?
- Well, it's a bit difficult to explain, really.

I live in this block of flats, you see.
Concrete everywhere.

We don't even own a window box.

Somehow, to keep walking by your garden
every day and seeing those fresh vegetables...

Oh, being a have-not
entitles you to become an I-will-take, does it?

No. I'm just trying to make you understand
that it was... well, an aberration.

Yes. Well, there are too many people
aberrating today. Far too many.

"Yes, I did hijack that plane, My Lord,
but it was only an aberration."

"Yes, I pumped out the tanks off Cornwall.
I must have had a quick aberrate."

Look, I'm not talking about the big things.

I'm talking about the little things,
when you pretend it really doesn't matter.

It's cheating. That's what it really is.

It's like taking the ball with one foot
over the boundary and claiming the catch.

I fail to see...

- Oh, you... you play cricket, do you?
- Yes.

- Cup of tea?
- Oh, thank you. Yes.

- Who do you play for?
- Ah, a local Sunday side.

No great shakes.

(Chuckles) I er...

I had a trial for the Surrey Colts once.

No? Really? Well, what do you do? Bat? Bowl?

- Bit of both. Bit of both.
- Uh-huh.

Yes, I go in number four,
to help the score along.

- Splendid.
- Bowl a bit of swinger stuff, you know.

The one that leaves the bat
and the one that nips back off the seam.

Ah. Now, there's the ball
I've never been able to bowl.

Haven't you, really? Oh.
Well, it's just a matter of getting the right grip.

(Chuckles)

I told my wife to leave that job to me.

Is she in? I'd really like to apologise to her, too.

Well, she's grazing the goat. Sit down.

Anyway, getting back to the ball
that nips back off the seam...

I remember chatting to Alec Bedser about it.

- Well
- Yes.

You see,
the real secret, the art of the thing is...

Er... well, I can't really show you without a ball.

- Look, Mr Good...
- Tom.

Tom. You wouldn't open for us, would you?
I mean, if you have a free Sunday.

Pardon? Oh, er...

Ah. Er... yeah. Well, the thing is er...

- Harry.
- Harry. The thing is, I'd love to, but...

Well, it's the garden.
You've got to keep on top of it.

Yes, quite.

Oh, Lord. That brings up
the subject of leeks again, doesn't it?

Oh, blow the leeks, Harry!
Who cares about 18 leeks?

No, I had no right to take that summons out
against you. But that pellet did hurt.

- You had every right to take out that summons.
- And you had every right to shoot me.

Well, perhaps I did, but let me say this.

It takes generosity of spirit
to apologise the way you have.

It was the least I could do.

Look... couldn't you even open perhaps
one Sunday in the month, next season?

- We'll see, eh?
- OK.

Look, Tom, I don't want to appear rude,
but... I'm a painter and decorator.

There's nothing wrong in that, Harry.

No, I mean I did notice that your
exterior paintwork does need a bit of redoing.

Yes, It is a bit tatty, isn't it, Harry?

Well, I'll do it for you. I'd like to.

Don't be silly, Harry.

No. I paid that fine to the court,
you know, not to you.

Well, I just feel
that I owe you something personally.

Look, I wouldn't be able to do it till next month,

but what if I come on Sunday,
and we talk about colours?

- But you'll be playing cricket.
- It's the football season.

Oh, yes, yes! (Laughs)

Well, if you really insist, Harry.

- 1 do, Tom. I do.
- But now, listen.

Any time you're passing and fancy some leeks,
you take them. Don't ask me. Just help yourself.

- No, I couldn't do that.
- I won't let you paint my house.

- All right.
- Right.

(Chuckles)

- Gosh, it's nice tea, this.
- Oh, thanks.

Er... Harry, what do you think of our magistrate?

If you ask me,
I thought he was a bit power-crazed.

- My sentiments exactly.
- I'll bet he's never played cricket.

Well, of course he hasn't.

He'd probably think Tony Greig is a grocer's.

- Yes!
- (Laughs)

Oh, what about a drop of wine?

Well...

Good Lord - is that the time? No, I'd love to,

but I have to pick up a prescription
for Pauline's leg.

Oh, quite. Well... Sunday, perhaps.

You're on.

- No, after you, Tom.
- After you, Harry.

- Right.
- (Chuckles)

Ah, well... Sunday, then.

- I'll be there.
- Don't bother about lunch. Eat with us.

- That's very kind of you, Tom.
- My pleasure. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, Harry! Come on - pick some leeks.

Oh, no. Really, I couldn't.

Come on. I told you - help yourself.

All right, Tom. [ will. Thank you.

Your sort never learn, do they?

No, it's... Your husband said it was all right.

Rubbish! Never in a million years.

Geraldine, kill! Kill, Geraldine! Killl

Geraldine, kill!

No, Geraldine! No, stay. Heel. Sit!