Good Neighbors (1975–1978): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Weaker Sex? - full transcript
Tom and Barbara's plans progress as the first of their plants begin to take root. Things look up when they befriend a junk man who sells them an old wood fired stove. Tom is forced to confront one of farming greatest challenges, how to stop birds eating their crop. Barbara becomes combative over the roles she and Tom seem to be developing; she sounds out close neighbors Margo and Jerry only to discover a deeper appreciation of Tom and her relationship
- Ready?
- Have been for 10 minutes.
Go!
You look like a couple of figures
on an Egyptian frieze.
- Just a minute, Jerry. Say Isis.
- Isis.
Isis.
- Chocolate.
- Cigarettes.
Gottle of geer, gottle of geer.
Very funny. Come on, make yourself useful.
Come and take it for us.
Oh, all right.
Careful!
Just a minute. What's it pointing at?
Just the miracle of new life, that's all.
What? That bit of grass?
Watch it, or I'll set her on you.
(Growls)
Bit of grass indeed. For your information,
that's our first pea.
One, I'll add, of several hundredweight.
Most people grow begonias.
We're not most people.
That's very true. Right.
Say "pea".
BOTH: Peal
Thanks, Jerry. Come round the back.
Careful. Everything's coming up.
- It would, wouldn't it? You planted it.
- But everything's coming up.
Come on. We've got cabbages,
lettuces, beetroot..
No, no, you don't get me again.
The last time, I ended up mucking out
your chickens. No, thank you.
I'm going home to a nice, boring,
civilised martini,
and a decadent sit down in my armchair.
Sybarite!
Peasant!
- Nice, that old Jerry.
- [ wouldn't mind a sit down too.
Ah-ah-ah! Not till we've finished
the old Ho Chi Minh Trail.
Ho, ho! Ho Chi Minh.
Any old lumber!
Any old lumber.
Around here? You'll be lucky.
Any old lumber!
Hey. It's one of those!
(Groaning)
Oh!
Another couple of steps with that,
and we'd all have had a Julius.
Julius?
Yeah. Cockney rhyming slang of old London.
Julius Caesar, Calpurnia, hernia.
Er... I haven't heard that one before.
Interested in all that, then, are you?
The old London patois?
Patois? Yeah, well, it adds colour to life,
I suppose.
I believe the old London cutpurses started it.
They made it up so the peelers
wouldn't know what they were saying.
- Yes, I read that somewhere.
- No, that is a common ricket people commit.
Put about by people like Robert Robinson
and the Brains of Britain, and people like that.
No, the... Sorry.
The bloke who actually invented rhyming slang
was a bloke who couldn't think up what he was
trying to say. So he had to make up a rhyme.
Are you sure about this?
I am the horse's mouth, ain't 1?
No, Tommy Lang, his name was.
Tommy Lang, slang. See?
You mean he couldn't remember
his own name?
That's how bad it was. I knew him well.
Ooh! Do you mind if I sit down?
My name's Sam, right?
And what do you think he used to call me?
Pork.
Pork and ham, Sam. See?
I'm afraid there's a big gap in my education.
I never heard of him.
Well, there must be. He was double famous.
I remember seeing him at the Great Exhibition
at Crystal Palace. He had a little tent.
You paid a penny, gave him a word,
and wallop - he'd give you the rhyming slang.
The Great Exhibition at Crystal Palace?
Yeah.
That was in 1851.
That makes you about a hundred
and something.
Well, did I say 18517
No, I meant 1951.
Yeah, the Festival of Britain.
I went to the Festival of Britain umpteen times,
and Tommy Lang was never there.
Yes...
No... anyway...
Well, I see you got your tubing, lady.
Oh, my didgeridoo? Yeah.
Eh?
Didgeridoo, flue.
Oh, yeah! That old one. Yeah.
I couldn't help noticing as I come through
the garden, like, it's...
- It's different, isn't it?
- Very.
Aren't you going to ask why?
Well, it was on the old bacon, like.
Bacon rind, mind.
We're digging for victory.
That was in the war.
What do you think this is?
Nah, come on. What are you doing?
- You know about self-sufficiency?
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm self and she's sufficient.
- Get away.
Why ain't you got a farm, then?
Because we like living here!
And sooner or later, somebody's going
to come up with a more original question.
Whoops.
Dropped a coat, have I?
Oh, I don't...
- Dropped a what?
- Coat.
Coat hanger, clanger.
You've been dropping those ever since
you came through that door.
Old Cockney rhyming slang of old London!
You're making it up as you go along.
Yeah, well, there is a reason for that.
- What?
- I'm afake.
Only round a toffee-nosed district like this,
it goes down well, you see.
All that old costermonger rubbish.
They think, hello - a bit of our old tradition
that hasn't died.
It's very good for business,
puts them in the right mood.
Talking about business... Cough, cough.
Cough, cough?
Oh! Cough, cough.
That's what we agreed, wasn't it?
Yeah, ta.
This is back to your old barter system, eh?
All part of your health and efficiency.
Yeah, self-sufficiency. Yes.
Well, talking about that,
you want to keep an eye on those birds.
- They're picking your shoots to smithereens.
- Oh, blimey!
Go on, get out of it! Go on!
Go on, out of it! Hop it! Go on, out!
I'll have to do something about that.
Get a bird scarer or something.
Either that or sellotape their beaks together.
Well, I'll keep my eye open for you
on my rounds.
I come across some very strange things
in my business.
- Like us?
- Yeah. See you then, squire.
See you, squire.
Oil Clear orf, you feathered git!
- Goon, get orfl
- Ta.
- Want to buy a battleship?
- Oh, don't!
Are you all right?
I'm just whacked, that's all.
I know. It's working a 36-hour day that does it.
Is it getting too much for you?
Too much?
I might tell you, they turn out a pretty gritty
sort of chap at Roedean.
You weren't at Roedean.
Neither were you.
Come and look at the range.
Look at it. Look at it!
They don't make them like that any more.
Well.. there aren't many of these about,
you know.
No, you keep kicking it like that,
there'll be one less.
True, true. Now, do you like it?
Yes!
I've always wanted a couple of tons
of rusty old iron in the kitchen.
What's it for?
Well... it's a range.
You... you... range on it. With it.
It's for... ranging things.
Yes, I know what it is, but what's it for?
- I mean, we've got a perfectly good cooker.
- It won't be when the electricity's cut off.
- Think of the saving!
- Clever.
Well, I suppose I could learn to cook with it.
I've always wanted to defy
the national grid system.
- This would be the oven?
- Yes.
- Bleurgh!
- No, no, lovely.
Genuine Victorian dripping.
Including the Victorian dripping,
how much did we pay for this?
Your hair dryer and the toaster.
Oh, thank you very much.
No, no, no. No electricity.
No.
If you want to dry your hair,
stick it in there.
As for toast,
this is the way of making toast.
Will you be swapping your electric razor
for something?
I expect so. Why?
Well, I mean this thing's so versatile,
I want to see how you'll shave with it.
Ah...
Let's start getting the rust off, shall we?
Let's get on with it.
Now, then...
Right.
Ah.. thank you. Thank you.
Ta. Right, go!
- Can you see this all black-leaded?
- Not at the moment, no.
Let's get some air in here.
Ah!
They're back again! I thought I told you before.
Clear out!
Pan's People after you again?
Those blasted birds are after our seedlings.
Oh, we can't have that.
We broke our backs putting those in.
I'll have to invent something to scare them...
Of course! The old Chinese idea.
Kung fu?
Ah..where's the string?
Er... under the sink. Why?
Wait a minute. You'll see.
Um... carry on.
Gosh, thanks, Tom.
Well?
What do you think?
You're just jealous because you didn't think of it.
Barbara! Come and see.
Barbara!
What?
Ta-ra!
What is it?
The goat didn't know either.
What is it?
A Chinese bird scarer.
A Chinese... bird scarer.
Windy blow, chainy rattle.
Birdies scared.
Confucius.
Must be.
What?
Confucius! What happens
when the wind doesn't blow?
I thought you were getting the rust
off that range.
You and your stupid ideas.
Tom!
What are you doing in there?
Research.
- Research, eh?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I say, um...
Perhaps you could help me?
- Well, I'll do my best.
- Right.
Now, um...
Imagine you're a bird, right?
OK.
Right. Now...
You are in my garden.
Am I sitting down or walking about?
Either.
Ee-ther.
Ee-ther.
Now unbeknown to you,
I have rigged a series of tripwires.
You hit one with your leg.
Not if I'm sitting down.
Well, be walking about then.
I just want to establish the principle, you see.
Sorry. Right, I'm walking about your garden,
and I bang into one of your tripwires.
Right. This sets off the play button
of a tape recorder.
- Oh, yes?
- Yes.
So all of a sudden, as loud as you can imagine,
you get this big Count Basie number.
- Dol?
- Yes.
And the point is, would that frighten you?
No.
Why not?
I like Count Basie.
You're a bird, remember?
Well, I don't see why a bird should be
frightened of Count Basie.
No, you're quite right. Scrub round it.
It's all a bit Heath Robinson anyway.
Let's get back to basics.
Just answer me this one simple question.
What do you think is the best way
to scare birds?
Flashing on the common, I suppose.
Have you finished?
Yes.
(Doorbell)
- Ah.
- Hello, Tom.
It's Margo.
Yes, it is you, yes.
Barbara.
Just a minute!
Mmm, the GPO, I see.
Me? No, lady, I'm an eccentric millionaire.
I get so many phone calls
I have to carry the phone around with me.
Goodbye.
Do goin.
So you've had to let the phone go?
Are things that bad?
No! It's just not essential.
Not essential?
But say I wanted to phone you up?
Damn! I hadn't thought of that.
No.
I suppose you'll just have to walk all the way
round from next door and speak to us in person.
Would you tell Barbara it's Margo, please, Tom?
Oh, Barbara.
That's Margo over there.
Hello, Margo.
Barbara, what have you done to yourself?
Oh, it's rust. I've been suffering from it for years.
Yes... well, let me show you what I've got.
Woodworm?
Oh, that's nice.
Yes, well, that's what I thought when I bought it.
But I'm afraid it was a terrible mistake.
Ohhh.
Leclerc. Jolly expensive mistake.
Well, that's not important. The point is, Barbara,
I got it home, I put it on, and I said to myself,
"Margo, that simply looks cheap and nasty."
So I wondered if you'd like it?
Margo, you are the mistress
of the unfortunate phrase.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean...
Look, I simply thought of you because...
Well, I would only have thrown it away.
And I know how difficult things are.
I mean, I saw the telephone being taken away.
That's all right.
I haven't worn the telephone for years.
Don't be defensive, Barbara.
You know what I mean.
No.
Well... this fetish that Tom has recently
about making you do without.
Surely anything is welcome.
Well, I tell you what I would like.
Anything, Barbara. You know me.
A nice bowl of gruel.
I haven't eaten for four days.
Very well, Barbara. Take that attitude.
I was merely trying to be charitable.
Look, Margo, when they have a flag day for me,
you can put a penny in the box, OK?
- I'd take it. It's a very nice dress.
- I don't need hand-me-downs!
So be it.
I feel totally humiliated, Barbara.
If that was your objective, thank you very much.
Nevertheless...
I know my manners and I will say this;
you are still welcome to drop in on Jerry
and me whenever you feel like it. You know that.
All right, Margo. Thanks.
- I'll see you out.
- Thank you very much, Tom.
- Margo?
- Yes?
Give me the dress.
Oh, yes. That's probably the best way to do it.
- I suppose you do think of her sometimes.
- Yes.
Oh! Have the bag as well.
Golly. Thanks.
I thought so.
I told you I don't want that thing!
It's not for you.
Well, who's it for?
- I want it.
- Why?
You'll see.
You'll look cheap and nasty in it.
4 This is my lovely day
4 This is the day I shall remember
4 It's the day I'm dying
Tom!
Tom!
Hello, Margo.
Fancy a fresh egg for your tea?
Don't try to butter me up with fresh eggs.
I want an explanation.
It's a scarecrow.
I know what it is.
I want to know why you're trying to humiliate me
in front of the whole neighbourhood.
I'm not. I'm utilising something you didn't want.
Oh, yes.
And so telling the world and his wife that Margo
Leadbetter's clothes are only fit for scarecrows.
But where are all these people,
and how do they know it's your dress?
Well, I know and that's enough,
thank you very much.
I certainly shan't get a wink of sleep tonight
knowing that I'm being abused in your garden.
If you were being abused in my garden,
you wouldn't get a wink of sleep, would you?
Tom.
Either you take down my dress
or I shall call the police.
And I'm aware that didn't come out right
but you know what I mean.
Oh, all right.
Well, I...
I don't want to bludgeon you, Tom.
Don't kid yourself. I've just realised
your rotten dress doesn't scare the birds.
Well, no go.
Useless.
The birds love this dress.
I wonder if Francis of Assisi
wore something like that.
- Will you give me a hand now, Tom?
- Ah, sorry, love. A bit busy.
Ah-ah-ah!
You missed a bit.
Thank you.
(Whistles)
What are you doing?
Cutting out cardboard shapes.
That's you being busy then, is it?
Oh, yes, yes. A couple of dozen of these,
shaped like hawks,
and suspended over the garden, right?
They cast shadows. It's well-known
that the shadow of a predatory bird
scares the daylights out of the little also-rans.
- I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
- No, I wish you had.
It's great this, isn't it?
Everything in our kind of life is a challenge.
None of that boring, repetitive bit.
I mean, the human animal
wasn't meant to be a robot.
Not meant to be, no.
Sure, we don't get much leisure time
these days but who needs it?
Take Margo and Jerry. Right now, they'll be
lolling about in their Swedish armchairs,
sipping martinis, vegetating in front
of their colour telly.
I mean, who'd swap for that?
I bloody would!
Is there... something wrong?
Yes! I'm sick of the sight of that thing!
I'm tired, I'm filthy.
I feel 120, I must look 180.
Well, why didn't you say?
Well, I just thought you might have noticed.
We've never done that "there's something wrong
and you've got to guess what" rubbish.
You don't have to guess, just look at me.
All right, you're filthy. So what?
All right, it's not actually just me being filthy.
What really gets me is you chirruping away
about how lovely it all is!
- Well, it Is.
- Well, it isn't today, actually, it isn't today.
Oh, of course. I'm sorry, love,
I don't keep track of dates any more.
Oh, God, it's not that!
You're chirruping about those.. birds,
and I'm stuck on my knees with this thing!
All right, all right, very well.
I'm not sure I like the term "chirruping"...
But if you mean that this life makes me happy,
it does, and I thought it made you happy.
Well, it doesn't today! It did yesterday,
it probably will tomorrow, but it doesn't today!
Surely there's a joy in all we do now.
- Scraping half a ton of rust off that thing?
- Yes, even that.
- Even the grotty jobs I find enjoyable.
- Oh, yes, digging up that tree stump?
Yes... I'm not saying it was easy,
but there was a joy in it.
Albeit a sort of savage, primeval joy.
You lying hound!
You chucked the pickaxe at the goat.
Well, I mean... that was just a mood.
Well, what do you think I'm in?
And if you actually want to know today,
this moment now, this minute,
if I would rather be sitting in an armchair
with a drink,
or kneeling on the floor,
getting rusty with that thing, I... would!
What's more, I'm bloody well going to!
(Whistles)
I know you're sniggering, Jerry.
It's no good trying to camouflage it
because I can see your shoulders quivering.
It does have its funny side. You paid £55 for
a new dress and it ends up on Tom's scarecrow.
I didn't pay £55 for it.
I charged it to your account.
How much?!
Don't say "how much?" like that, Jerry.
It's not an exorbitant figure.
It is when it's out of my account.
I only had to because you're so penny-pinching
with my clothing allowance.
Penny-pinching? I could buy a third car
out of your clothing allowance, a big one.
I'd have said a bicycle, personally, Jerry.
Asitis, I have to scour Bond Street
for basically shoddy clothes
which are really only fit for scarecrows.
Good God, Margo! I mean, £55!
Barbara buys three dresses for that money.
Yes.
What do you mean, "Yes"?
I mean that the homespun suits Barbara.
I've always thought she looks rather cute.
Oh, I see.
So you're married to a frump, are you?
How on earth do you make that equation?
I didn't need to.
You're the one who used the word.
- The word frump never passed my lips.
- It didn't need to. It was written on your face.
Frump. Frump. Frump.
Oh, really.
(Doorbell)
Door, please, Jerry.
- Hello! How nice to see you.
- Hello, Jerry.
Come along in.
It's that cute girl from next door.
Barbara!
Well, you said drop in, so I did.
It's lovely to see you. Do sit down.
Chair, please, Jerry.
Don't embarrass Barbara, Jerry.
It's just a hole in her tights.
I was looking at her legs, actually.
Mmm, well, I suppose it's better
than looking at a frump all day.
I'm sorry, I've obviously come at the wrong time.
Oh, no. Jerry was just having
one of his little tantrums.
- Let's give it a rest.
- You started this silly argument.
Silly is the mot juste.
I must say you're looking very...
very..
Horrible.
Yes, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have come round looking like this.
Oh, heavens above, dear. We're old friends.
What does it matter?
Lift up @ moment, would you?
Drink - how about a drink?
Oh, yes, please, Jerry. Two dry martinis.
What have you been doing to yourself?
You look worse than you did this morning.
Well, we've got this old range.
What with that and the electricity going off soon.
As well as the phone?
Mmm. I've been trying to get the rust
off it all day.
Just you? What about Tom?
He's been trying to invent the ultimate
deterrent in bird scarers.
Well, the less said about that the better,
thank you very much.
Thank you, Jerry.
Jerry, we do have larger glasses.
She said she wanted two drinks.
Damn right. Cheers.
Something wrong, chez toi, Barbara?
No, no, no, no.
No. You wouldn't have silly little arguments,
would you?
No.
No, no.
Well... all right, give in.
Yes, we did have a silly argument, I suppose.
Really? What about?
Well, I've been on this blasted range all day.
There comes a point when rust ceases
to be a novelty
- and I guess it corroded my sense of humour.
- I'm not surprised. It's hardly a woman's work.
No, I didn't mean that.
- I agree with Margo, actually.
- Oh, Jerry agrees with Margot.
Hang out the flags, three cheers.
I agree with you about it because
on this occasion you just happen to be right!
Our opinions do coincide sometimes.
- Sorry, Jerry.
- Not at all.
You ought to watch Tom, you know.
He'll have you yoked to a plough next.
He's just an armchair revolutionary, old Tom.
It's you who has to man the barricades or...
woman the barricades, I suppose.
- No, that's not strictly true.
- No, Jerry's right.
Let me see your hands.
I'm sorry to say this, Barbara.
Those are the hands of a navvy.
I rest my case.
No, you've got it all wrong.
You make Tom sound like the squaw man.
I mean, he does his share, more than his share.
Well, I've always admired your loyalty.
When was the last time that Tom suggested
you had a lie-in?
This morning, actually.
I didn't get up till half past six.
You could do that in the army.
I'm sorry to say this, Barbara.
He has turned you into a drudge.
If you allow it to continue, you'll become like one
of those wrinkled old crones on the Continent.
You missed a bit.
I wouldn't put it exactly like that.
No, Margo's right.
Marriage must be a fair division of labour.
Like ours.
Well, no, not exactly like ours.
I was thinking more 50/50.
Meaning what, Jerry?
Meaning not 80/20.
I would hardly call keeping this house
in immaculate condition a mere 20 percent.
You don't.
Mrs Pearson comes in five times a week.
There is the garden.
I know. Mr Pearson comes in
three times a week.
I pick and arrange all my own flowers, Jerry.
I bet you wouldn't do that if the Pearsons
had a daughter who did flower arranging.
I don't know what prompted
this poisonous outburst Jerry.
But as we are dragging skeletons
from under the bed...
Oh, get your metaphors right!
Skeletons come out of a cupboard.
Well, thank you very much for correcting me
in front of guests.
I really must apologise for Jerry, Barbara.
She's gone.
Well
The manners of some people.
Extremely rude.
Cup of coffee?
Mmm, lovely.
Come here.
Come here, I've got a surprise for you.
I like that. I like that very much.
Got the tree stump in there.
I thought we'd get chilblains together
in front of that.
That'll be nice.
There you are.
- Kettle's boiling.
- Ah. Coffee.
Oh, and Barbara.
I want you to remember one thing.
Whatever you do...
whenever you take anything off this range,
always use the oven glove.
Thermal conduction of metal, see?
Mmm. E=MC2, right?
Right.
Coffee coming up.
(Whistles)
Coffee?
(Forced chuckle)
How are Margo and Jerry?
Heading for separate bedrooms when I left.
Oh, yeah, yeah... Friday.
Friday night is row night.
Mmm. Glad we don't have rows.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, golly, hope they haven't come here
for the second round.
I'll tell them we've got fowl pest.
Evening, squire.
- Hello, Sam. Come in.
- That's a nasty burn you've got.
It's not a burn, it's a bruise. Bruise.
Evening, lady. I just thought I'd...
Well! Look at that!
Who put all the work in on that?
- She did.
- He did.
- She did!
- He did.
Well, if I thought it would come up like that,
I would have had your vacuum cleaner too.
Well, Sam, not that you're not welcome
round the old cat and mouse...
Eh?
Cockney rhyming slang?
Cat and mouse. House.
Touché.
What are you doing here?
Oh, yeah. You asked me
if I'd look out for a bird scarer for you.
Well... l have got one,
in here.
There you go.
Shere Khan.
That's brilliant, Sam. How much?
Well, to anyone else in the road...
an electric toothbrush.
But to you, nothing.
Oh, Sam! Thanks ever so much.
Beautiful! You want some coffee'?
No, I think I better be on my way.
You're looking a bit sharp tonight.
Have you got a date?
No, I'm going to my evening class actually.
Oh, yeah? What are you taking, O-level totting?
No.
Spanish.
Well, I've got a villa out there, see?
So I thought I'd...
Well, buenas noches, muchachos.
- Adios.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
Bye, Sam.
Oh, Tom, isn't he lovely?
Now, now, now. None of that lapdog business.
- It's a cat.
- Well, none of that lap cat business then.
That is a working animal.
It's all right, Rover.
His bark's worse than his bite.
Come on, give him to me.
Come here, come here.
Now then.
Now listen, stupid.
That's right. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Now, look.
Over here, look.
Now if you want the old saucer of milk,
cod's head, tickle under the chin, right?
If you want all that, you've got to graft.
Out there, birds.
You chase birds. Got it? Right.
Right. And...
Kill!
Tom, it's a bit small!
They're not vultures out there, you know.
Well, not so far, no.
Well, that's another problem solved, isn't it?
Yes, yes, always providing of course
he does chase birds.
- (Squawking)
- Oh, my God, what's that?!
He chases birds all right!
- He's in the chicken run!
- Oh!
- Have been for 10 minutes.
Go!
You look like a couple of figures
on an Egyptian frieze.
- Just a minute, Jerry. Say Isis.
- Isis.
Isis.
- Chocolate.
- Cigarettes.
Gottle of geer, gottle of geer.
Very funny. Come on, make yourself useful.
Come and take it for us.
Oh, all right.
Careful!
Just a minute. What's it pointing at?
Just the miracle of new life, that's all.
What? That bit of grass?
Watch it, or I'll set her on you.
(Growls)
Bit of grass indeed. For your information,
that's our first pea.
One, I'll add, of several hundredweight.
Most people grow begonias.
We're not most people.
That's very true. Right.
Say "pea".
BOTH: Peal
Thanks, Jerry. Come round the back.
Careful. Everything's coming up.
- It would, wouldn't it? You planted it.
- But everything's coming up.
Come on. We've got cabbages,
lettuces, beetroot..
No, no, you don't get me again.
The last time, I ended up mucking out
your chickens. No, thank you.
I'm going home to a nice, boring,
civilised martini,
and a decadent sit down in my armchair.
Sybarite!
Peasant!
- Nice, that old Jerry.
- [ wouldn't mind a sit down too.
Ah-ah-ah! Not till we've finished
the old Ho Chi Minh Trail.
Ho, ho! Ho Chi Minh.
Any old lumber!
Any old lumber.
Around here? You'll be lucky.
Any old lumber!
Hey. It's one of those!
(Groaning)
Oh!
Another couple of steps with that,
and we'd all have had a Julius.
Julius?
Yeah. Cockney rhyming slang of old London.
Julius Caesar, Calpurnia, hernia.
Er... I haven't heard that one before.
Interested in all that, then, are you?
The old London patois?
Patois? Yeah, well, it adds colour to life,
I suppose.
I believe the old London cutpurses started it.
They made it up so the peelers
wouldn't know what they were saying.
- Yes, I read that somewhere.
- No, that is a common ricket people commit.
Put about by people like Robert Robinson
and the Brains of Britain, and people like that.
No, the... Sorry.
The bloke who actually invented rhyming slang
was a bloke who couldn't think up what he was
trying to say. So he had to make up a rhyme.
Are you sure about this?
I am the horse's mouth, ain't 1?
No, Tommy Lang, his name was.
Tommy Lang, slang. See?
You mean he couldn't remember
his own name?
That's how bad it was. I knew him well.
Ooh! Do you mind if I sit down?
My name's Sam, right?
And what do you think he used to call me?
Pork.
Pork and ham, Sam. See?
I'm afraid there's a big gap in my education.
I never heard of him.
Well, there must be. He was double famous.
I remember seeing him at the Great Exhibition
at Crystal Palace. He had a little tent.
You paid a penny, gave him a word,
and wallop - he'd give you the rhyming slang.
The Great Exhibition at Crystal Palace?
Yeah.
That was in 1851.
That makes you about a hundred
and something.
Well, did I say 18517
No, I meant 1951.
Yeah, the Festival of Britain.
I went to the Festival of Britain umpteen times,
and Tommy Lang was never there.
Yes...
No... anyway...
Well, I see you got your tubing, lady.
Oh, my didgeridoo? Yeah.
Eh?
Didgeridoo, flue.
Oh, yeah! That old one. Yeah.
I couldn't help noticing as I come through
the garden, like, it's...
- It's different, isn't it?
- Very.
Aren't you going to ask why?
Well, it was on the old bacon, like.
Bacon rind, mind.
We're digging for victory.
That was in the war.
What do you think this is?
Nah, come on. What are you doing?
- You know about self-sufficiency?
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm self and she's sufficient.
- Get away.
Why ain't you got a farm, then?
Because we like living here!
And sooner or later, somebody's going
to come up with a more original question.
Whoops.
Dropped a coat, have I?
Oh, I don't...
- Dropped a what?
- Coat.
Coat hanger, clanger.
You've been dropping those ever since
you came through that door.
Old Cockney rhyming slang of old London!
You're making it up as you go along.
Yeah, well, there is a reason for that.
- What?
- I'm afake.
Only round a toffee-nosed district like this,
it goes down well, you see.
All that old costermonger rubbish.
They think, hello - a bit of our old tradition
that hasn't died.
It's very good for business,
puts them in the right mood.
Talking about business... Cough, cough.
Cough, cough?
Oh! Cough, cough.
That's what we agreed, wasn't it?
Yeah, ta.
This is back to your old barter system, eh?
All part of your health and efficiency.
Yeah, self-sufficiency. Yes.
Well, talking about that,
you want to keep an eye on those birds.
- They're picking your shoots to smithereens.
- Oh, blimey!
Go on, get out of it! Go on!
Go on, out of it! Hop it! Go on, out!
I'll have to do something about that.
Get a bird scarer or something.
Either that or sellotape their beaks together.
Well, I'll keep my eye open for you
on my rounds.
I come across some very strange things
in my business.
- Like us?
- Yeah. See you then, squire.
See you, squire.
Oil Clear orf, you feathered git!
- Goon, get orfl
- Ta.
- Want to buy a battleship?
- Oh, don't!
Are you all right?
I'm just whacked, that's all.
I know. It's working a 36-hour day that does it.
Is it getting too much for you?
Too much?
I might tell you, they turn out a pretty gritty
sort of chap at Roedean.
You weren't at Roedean.
Neither were you.
Come and look at the range.
Look at it. Look at it!
They don't make them like that any more.
Well.. there aren't many of these about,
you know.
No, you keep kicking it like that,
there'll be one less.
True, true. Now, do you like it?
Yes!
I've always wanted a couple of tons
of rusty old iron in the kitchen.
What's it for?
Well... it's a range.
You... you... range on it. With it.
It's for... ranging things.
Yes, I know what it is, but what's it for?
- I mean, we've got a perfectly good cooker.
- It won't be when the electricity's cut off.
- Think of the saving!
- Clever.
Well, I suppose I could learn to cook with it.
I've always wanted to defy
the national grid system.
- This would be the oven?
- Yes.
- Bleurgh!
- No, no, lovely.
Genuine Victorian dripping.
Including the Victorian dripping,
how much did we pay for this?
Your hair dryer and the toaster.
Oh, thank you very much.
No, no, no. No electricity.
No.
If you want to dry your hair,
stick it in there.
As for toast,
this is the way of making toast.
Will you be swapping your electric razor
for something?
I expect so. Why?
Well, I mean this thing's so versatile,
I want to see how you'll shave with it.
Ah...
Let's start getting the rust off, shall we?
Let's get on with it.
Now, then...
Right.
Ah.. thank you. Thank you.
Ta. Right, go!
- Can you see this all black-leaded?
- Not at the moment, no.
Let's get some air in here.
Ah!
They're back again! I thought I told you before.
Clear out!
Pan's People after you again?
Those blasted birds are after our seedlings.
Oh, we can't have that.
We broke our backs putting those in.
I'll have to invent something to scare them...
Of course! The old Chinese idea.
Kung fu?
Ah..where's the string?
Er... under the sink. Why?
Wait a minute. You'll see.
Um... carry on.
Gosh, thanks, Tom.
Well?
What do you think?
You're just jealous because you didn't think of it.
Barbara! Come and see.
Barbara!
What?
Ta-ra!
What is it?
The goat didn't know either.
What is it?
A Chinese bird scarer.
A Chinese... bird scarer.
Windy blow, chainy rattle.
Birdies scared.
Confucius.
Must be.
What?
Confucius! What happens
when the wind doesn't blow?
I thought you were getting the rust
off that range.
You and your stupid ideas.
Tom!
What are you doing in there?
Research.
- Research, eh?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I say, um...
Perhaps you could help me?
- Well, I'll do my best.
- Right.
Now, um...
Imagine you're a bird, right?
OK.
Right. Now...
You are in my garden.
Am I sitting down or walking about?
Either.
Ee-ther.
Ee-ther.
Now unbeknown to you,
I have rigged a series of tripwires.
You hit one with your leg.
Not if I'm sitting down.
Well, be walking about then.
I just want to establish the principle, you see.
Sorry. Right, I'm walking about your garden,
and I bang into one of your tripwires.
Right. This sets off the play button
of a tape recorder.
- Oh, yes?
- Yes.
So all of a sudden, as loud as you can imagine,
you get this big Count Basie number.
- Dol?
- Yes.
And the point is, would that frighten you?
No.
Why not?
I like Count Basie.
You're a bird, remember?
Well, I don't see why a bird should be
frightened of Count Basie.
No, you're quite right. Scrub round it.
It's all a bit Heath Robinson anyway.
Let's get back to basics.
Just answer me this one simple question.
What do you think is the best way
to scare birds?
Flashing on the common, I suppose.
Have you finished?
Yes.
(Doorbell)
- Ah.
- Hello, Tom.
It's Margo.
Yes, it is you, yes.
Barbara.
Just a minute!
Mmm, the GPO, I see.
Me? No, lady, I'm an eccentric millionaire.
I get so many phone calls
I have to carry the phone around with me.
Goodbye.
Do goin.
So you've had to let the phone go?
Are things that bad?
No! It's just not essential.
Not essential?
But say I wanted to phone you up?
Damn! I hadn't thought of that.
No.
I suppose you'll just have to walk all the way
round from next door and speak to us in person.
Would you tell Barbara it's Margo, please, Tom?
Oh, Barbara.
That's Margo over there.
Hello, Margo.
Barbara, what have you done to yourself?
Oh, it's rust. I've been suffering from it for years.
Yes... well, let me show you what I've got.
Woodworm?
Oh, that's nice.
Yes, well, that's what I thought when I bought it.
But I'm afraid it was a terrible mistake.
Ohhh.
Leclerc. Jolly expensive mistake.
Well, that's not important. The point is, Barbara,
I got it home, I put it on, and I said to myself,
"Margo, that simply looks cheap and nasty."
So I wondered if you'd like it?
Margo, you are the mistress
of the unfortunate phrase.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean...
Look, I simply thought of you because...
Well, I would only have thrown it away.
And I know how difficult things are.
I mean, I saw the telephone being taken away.
That's all right.
I haven't worn the telephone for years.
Don't be defensive, Barbara.
You know what I mean.
No.
Well... this fetish that Tom has recently
about making you do without.
Surely anything is welcome.
Well, I tell you what I would like.
Anything, Barbara. You know me.
A nice bowl of gruel.
I haven't eaten for four days.
Very well, Barbara. Take that attitude.
I was merely trying to be charitable.
Look, Margo, when they have a flag day for me,
you can put a penny in the box, OK?
- I'd take it. It's a very nice dress.
- I don't need hand-me-downs!
So be it.
I feel totally humiliated, Barbara.
If that was your objective, thank you very much.
Nevertheless...
I know my manners and I will say this;
you are still welcome to drop in on Jerry
and me whenever you feel like it. You know that.
All right, Margo. Thanks.
- I'll see you out.
- Thank you very much, Tom.
- Margo?
- Yes?
Give me the dress.
Oh, yes. That's probably the best way to do it.
- I suppose you do think of her sometimes.
- Yes.
Oh! Have the bag as well.
Golly. Thanks.
I thought so.
I told you I don't want that thing!
It's not for you.
Well, who's it for?
- I want it.
- Why?
You'll see.
You'll look cheap and nasty in it.
4 This is my lovely day
4 This is the day I shall remember
4 It's the day I'm dying
Tom!
Tom!
Hello, Margo.
Fancy a fresh egg for your tea?
Don't try to butter me up with fresh eggs.
I want an explanation.
It's a scarecrow.
I know what it is.
I want to know why you're trying to humiliate me
in front of the whole neighbourhood.
I'm not. I'm utilising something you didn't want.
Oh, yes.
And so telling the world and his wife that Margo
Leadbetter's clothes are only fit for scarecrows.
But where are all these people,
and how do they know it's your dress?
Well, I know and that's enough,
thank you very much.
I certainly shan't get a wink of sleep tonight
knowing that I'm being abused in your garden.
If you were being abused in my garden,
you wouldn't get a wink of sleep, would you?
Tom.
Either you take down my dress
or I shall call the police.
And I'm aware that didn't come out right
but you know what I mean.
Oh, all right.
Well, I...
I don't want to bludgeon you, Tom.
Don't kid yourself. I've just realised
your rotten dress doesn't scare the birds.
Well, no go.
Useless.
The birds love this dress.
I wonder if Francis of Assisi
wore something like that.
- Will you give me a hand now, Tom?
- Ah, sorry, love. A bit busy.
Ah-ah-ah!
You missed a bit.
Thank you.
(Whistles)
What are you doing?
Cutting out cardboard shapes.
That's you being busy then, is it?
Oh, yes, yes. A couple of dozen of these,
shaped like hawks,
and suspended over the garden, right?
They cast shadows. It's well-known
that the shadow of a predatory bird
scares the daylights out of the little also-rans.
- I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
- No, I wish you had.
It's great this, isn't it?
Everything in our kind of life is a challenge.
None of that boring, repetitive bit.
I mean, the human animal
wasn't meant to be a robot.
Not meant to be, no.
Sure, we don't get much leisure time
these days but who needs it?
Take Margo and Jerry. Right now, they'll be
lolling about in their Swedish armchairs,
sipping martinis, vegetating in front
of their colour telly.
I mean, who'd swap for that?
I bloody would!
Is there... something wrong?
Yes! I'm sick of the sight of that thing!
I'm tired, I'm filthy.
I feel 120, I must look 180.
Well, why didn't you say?
Well, I just thought you might have noticed.
We've never done that "there's something wrong
and you've got to guess what" rubbish.
You don't have to guess, just look at me.
All right, you're filthy. So what?
All right, it's not actually just me being filthy.
What really gets me is you chirruping away
about how lovely it all is!
- Well, it Is.
- Well, it isn't today, actually, it isn't today.
Oh, of course. I'm sorry, love,
I don't keep track of dates any more.
Oh, God, it's not that!
You're chirruping about those.. birds,
and I'm stuck on my knees with this thing!
All right, all right, very well.
I'm not sure I like the term "chirruping"...
But if you mean that this life makes me happy,
it does, and I thought it made you happy.
Well, it doesn't today! It did yesterday,
it probably will tomorrow, but it doesn't today!
Surely there's a joy in all we do now.
- Scraping half a ton of rust off that thing?
- Yes, even that.
- Even the grotty jobs I find enjoyable.
- Oh, yes, digging up that tree stump?
Yes... I'm not saying it was easy,
but there was a joy in it.
Albeit a sort of savage, primeval joy.
You lying hound!
You chucked the pickaxe at the goat.
Well, I mean... that was just a mood.
Well, what do you think I'm in?
And if you actually want to know today,
this moment now, this minute,
if I would rather be sitting in an armchair
with a drink,
or kneeling on the floor,
getting rusty with that thing, I... would!
What's more, I'm bloody well going to!
(Whistles)
I know you're sniggering, Jerry.
It's no good trying to camouflage it
because I can see your shoulders quivering.
It does have its funny side. You paid £55 for
a new dress and it ends up on Tom's scarecrow.
I didn't pay £55 for it.
I charged it to your account.
How much?!
Don't say "how much?" like that, Jerry.
It's not an exorbitant figure.
It is when it's out of my account.
I only had to because you're so penny-pinching
with my clothing allowance.
Penny-pinching? I could buy a third car
out of your clothing allowance, a big one.
I'd have said a bicycle, personally, Jerry.
Asitis, I have to scour Bond Street
for basically shoddy clothes
which are really only fit for scarecrows.
Good God, Margo! I mean, £55!
Barbara buys three dresses for that money.
Yes.
What do you mean, "Yes"?
I mean that the homespun suits Barbara.
I've always thought she looks rather cute.
Oh, I see.
So you're married to a frump, are you?
How on earth do you make that equation?
I didn't need to.
You're the one who used the word.
- The word frump never passed my lips.
- It didn't need to. It was written on your face.
Frump. Frump. Frump.
Oh, really.
(Doorbell)
Door, please, Jerry.
- Hello! How nice to see you.
- Hello, Jerry.
Come along in.
It's that cute girl from next door.
Barbara!
Well, you said drop in, so I did.
It's lovely to see you. Do sit down.
Chair, please, Jerry.
Don't embarrass Barbara, Jerry.
It's just a hole in her tights.
I was looking at her legs, actually.
Mmm, well, I suppose it's better
than looking at a frump all day.
I'm sorry, I've obviously come at the wrong time.
Oh, no. Jerry was just having
one of his little tantrums.
- Let's give it a rest.
- You started this silly argument.
Silly is the mot juste.
I must say you're looking very...
very..
Horrible.
Yes, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have come round looking like this.
Oh, heavens above, dear. We're old friends.
What does it matter?
Lift up @ moment, would you?
Drink - how about a drink?
Oh, yes, please, Jerry. Two dry martinis.
What have you been doing to yourself?
You look worse than you did this morning.
Well, we've got this old range.
What with that and the electricity going off soon.
As well as the phone?
Mmm. I've been trying to get the rust
off it all day.
Just you? What about Tom?
He's been trying to invent the ultimate
deterrent in bird scarers.
Well, the less said about that the better,
thank you very much.
Thank you, Jerry.
Jerry, we do have larger glasses.
She said she wanted two drinks.
Damn right. Cheers.
Something wrong, chez toi, Barbara?
No, no, no, no.
No. You wouldn't have silly little arguments,
would you?
No.
No, no.
Well... all right, give in.
Yes, we did have a silly argument, I suppose.
Really? What about?
Well, I've been on this blasted range all day.
There comes a point when rust ceases
to be a novelty
- and I guess it corroded my sense of humour.
- I'm not surprised. It's hardly a woman's work.
No, I didn't mean that.
- I agree with Margo, actually.
- Oh, Jerry agrees with Margot.
Hang out the flags, three cheers.
I agree with you about it because
on this occasion you just happen to be right!
Our opinions do coincide sometimes.
- Sorry, Jerry.
- Not at all.
You ought to watch Tom, you know.
He'll have you yoked to a plough next.
He's just an armchair revolutionary, old Tom.
It's you who has to man the barricades or...
woman the barricades, I suppose.
- No, that's not strictly true.
- No, Jerry's right.
Let me see your hands.
I'm sorry to say this, Barbara.
Those are the hands of a navvy.
I rest my case.
No, you've got it all wrong.
You make Tom sound like the squaw man.
I mean, he does his share, more than his share.
Well, I've always admired your loyalty.
When was the last time that Tom suggested
you had a lie-in?
This morning, actually.
I didn't get up till half past six.
You could do that in the army.
I'm sorry to say this, Barbara.
He has turned you into a drudge.
If you allow it to continue, you'll become like one
of those wrinkled old crones on the Continent.
You missed a bit.
I wouldn't put it exactly like that.
No, Margo's right.
Marriage must be a fair division of labour.
Like ours.
Well, no, not exactly like ours.
I was thinking more 50/50.
Meaning what, Jerry?
Meaning not 80/20.
I would hardly call keeping this house
in immaculate condition a mere 20 percent.
You don't.
Mrs Pearson comes in five times a week.
There is the garden.
I know. Mr Pearson comes in
three times a week.
I pick and arrange all my own flowers, Jerry.
I bet you wouldn't do that if the Pearsons
had a daughter who did flower arranging.
I don't know what prompted
this poisonous outburst Jerry.
But as we are dragging skeletons
from under the bed...
Oh, get your metaphors right!
Skeletons come out of a cupboard.
Well, thank you very much for correcting me
in front of guests.
I really must apologise for Jerry, Barbara.
She's gone.
Well
The manners of some people.
Extremely rude.
Cup of coffee?
Mmm, lovely.
Come here.
Come here, I've got a surprise for you.
I like that. I like that very much.
Got the tree stump in there.
I thought we'd get chilblains together
in front of that.
That'll be nice.
There you are.
- Kettle's boiling.
- Ah. Coffee.
Oh, and Barbara.
I want you to remember one thing.
Whatever you do...
whenever you take anything off this range,
always use the oven glove.
Thermal conduction of metal, see?
Mmm. E=MC2, right?
Right.
Coffee coming up.
(Whistles)
Coffee?
(Forced chuckle)
How are Margo and Jerry?
Heading for separate bedrooms when I left.
Oh, yeah, yeah... Friday.
Friday night is row night.
Mmm. Glad we don't have rows.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, golly, hope they haven't come here
for the second round.
I'll tell them we've got fowl pest.
Evening, squire.
- Hello, Sam. Come in.
- That's a nasty burn you've got.
It's not a burn, it's a bruise. Bruise.
Evening, lady. I just thought I'd...
Well! Look at that!
Who put all the work in on that?
- She did.
- He did.
- She did!
- He did.
Well, if I thought it would come up like that,
I would have had your vacuum cleaner too.
Well, Sam, not that you're not welcome
round the old cat and mouse...
Eh?
Cockney rhyming slang?
Cat and mouse. House.
Touché.
What are you doing here?
Oh, yeah. You asked me
if I'd look out for a bird scarer for you.
Well... l have got one,
in here.
There you go.
Shere Khan.
That's brilliant, Sam. How much?
Well, to anyone else in the road...
an electric toothbrush.
But to you, nothing.
Oh, Sam! Thanks ever so much.
Beautiful! You want some coffee'?
No, I think I better be on my way.
You're looking a bit sharp tonight.
Have you got a date?
No, I'm going to my evening class actually.
Oh, yeah? What are you taking, O-level totting?
No.
Spanish.
Well, I've got a villa out there, see?
So I thought I'd...
Well, buenas noches, muchachos.
- Adios.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
Bye, Sam.
Oh, Tom, isn't he lovely?
Now, now, now. None of that lapdog business.
- It's a cat.
- Well, none of that lap cat business then.
That is a working animal.
It's all right, Rover.
His bark's worse than his bite.
Come on, give him to me.
Come here, come here.
Now then.
Now listen, stupid.
That's right. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Now, look.
Over here, look.
Now if you want the old saucer of milk,
cod's head, tickle under the chin, right?
If you want all that, you've got to graft.
Out there, birds.
You chase birds. Got it? Right.
Right. And...
Kill!
Tom, it's a bit small!
They're not vultures out there, you know.
Well, not so far, no.
Well, that's another problem solved, isn't it?
Yes, yes, always providing of course
he does chase birds.
- (Squawking)
- Oh, my God, what's that?!
He chases birds all right!
- He's in the chicken run!
- Oh!