Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 5, Episode 8 - Squid Pro Quo - full transcript

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
THE PROPHESY WILL
BE FULFILLED --

GIANT SQUID-MAN
WALKS AMONG US.

PERFECT, MR. BROWN,
THE LIGHTS LOOK GREAT.

THANKS A LOT FOR COMING
OUT TO CATER THIS YEAR'S
GIANT SQUID-MAN JAM.

DON'T THANK ME, CHUCK,
I'M ONLY HERE BECAUSE
A BET'S A BET.

HA, I GUESS YOU DIDN'T
KNOW ABOUT CHUCKIE BEING

NATIONAL JUNIOR
WACKY GOLF CHAMPION
FOUR YEARS RUNNING.

NO, I REGRETTABLY LET
MY "WACKY GOLF WEEKLY"
EXPIRE.

(Chuck)
SO WHAT'S IN
THE COOLER, MR. B?

WELL, LET'S PUT IT
THIS WAY,

PATTY IS NOT THE ONLY
ONE LOADED FOR SQUID.



YOU CAN'T SERVE SQUID
AT THE GIANT SQUID-MAN WATCH.
WHY NOT?

(Patty)
YOU'LL LIKE, INSULT HIM.

WHAT IF HE SEES US,
WHAT WILL WE SAY?
I DON'T KNOW.

WE'LL SAY THAT SQUID
ARE NUTRITIOUS, DELICIOUS,
AND PLENTIFUL,

AND THEN WE'LL TELL HIM
THAT NO MATTER WHERE
YOU SERVE THEM

OR HOW YOU SERVE THEM,

SQUID ARE GOOD EATS.

HE'S CLOSE,

REAL CLOSE.

CHUCK, IF YOUR
GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T
GET OFF THE COOLER,

WE WON'T BE EATING.

PATTY CAKE, I'M SURE
THE GIANT SQUID-MAN
WILL BE OKAY

WITH OUR EATING
SOME SQUID.
OH YEAH, WHY?

(Alton)
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
EXIST, THAT'S WHY.



(Patty)
I DON'T THINK MR. ALTON BROWN
WOULD BE SO FLIPPANT

IF HE KNEW THE LEGEND
OF THE GIANT SQUID-MAN.

LEGEND OF
THE GIANT SQUID-MAN --
THIS I GOTTA SEE.

AND NOW, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,

THE LEGEND OF
THE GIANT SQUID-MAN.

(Chuck)
LONG AGO WHEN SHIPS
CROSSED THE SEAS BY SAIL,

A SAILOR ON
THE MIDNIGHT WATCH

PEERED OVER THE GUNNEL
OF HIS WHALING SHIP

AND CAME FACE TO FACE
WITH A CREATURE

POSSESSING EYES THE SIZE
OF VOLLEYBALLS

AND A MASSIVE MOUTH
WITH A HORNED BEAK
LIKE A PARROT'S.

IT WAS A 50-FOOT-LONG
CUTTLEFISH!

(Alton)
UH, CHUCK, I THINK
YOU PROBABLY MEAN SQUID,

WHICH IS A CEPHALOPOD
OF A WHOLE OTHER COLOR.

(Chuck)
CEPHLA-WHAT?
CEPHALOPOD, IT MEANS
HEAD-FOOT.

BECAUSE IT'S ALL
HEAD AND FOOT, SWEETIE.

(Alton)
HEY, DID THAT SAILOR
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE
KIRK DOUGLAS?

"20,000 LEAGUES
UNDER THE SEA,"
DISNEY 1958 --

OSCAR FOR BEST
ART DIRECTION.

DOUGLAS ACTUALLY
SANG A SONG.

BEST SCREEN SQUID EVER.
CHUCK, GO AHEAD WITH
YOUR LOVELY STORY.

(Chuck)
THE BEAST AND SAILOR FELL
IN LOVE THEN AND THERE.

THE COUPLE CAME TO LIVE HERE
ON THE SHORES OF NEMO BAY.

THEY SPAWNED A LOVE CHILD,
HALF HUMAN, HALF SQUID,

AND THEY LIVED IN PEACE
UNTIL NARROW-MINDED VILLAGERS
KILLED THE PARENTS,

LEAVING THE SQUID-BOY
AN ORPHAN.

EVENTUALLY, HE GREW
INTO GIANT SQUID-MAN,

AND NOW HE RETURNS
ONCE A YEAR TO INK
UP THE BAY.

(Alton)
UH, SPEAKING ABOUT
THAT INK...

A LOT OF MEDITERRANEAN
DISHES ARE COLORED
AND FLAVORED WITH SQUID INK.

CUTTLEFISH INK,
WHICH IS BROWN,
IS USED AS A DYE,

THAT'S WHERE WE GET
SEPIA TONES.

(Patty)
THANK YOU MR. FUNK AND WAGNALL.

GO AHEAD, CHUCK,
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

(Chuck)
HE RETURNS ONCE A YEAR
TO CLAIM A BRIDE.

IF HE CAN'T FIND ONE,
HE GETS MAD AND CHOMPS

SOME UNSUSPECTING VILLAGER
TO BITS WITH HIS
MASSIVE BEAK.

(Alton)
WHICH EVOLVED FROM
THE ORIGINAL BIVALVE SHELL.
HUSH, YOU.

(Chuck)
HE THEN SHOVES THE BITS
DOWN HIS ESOPHAGUS

THROUGH HIS BRAIN
TO HIS STOMACH.

(Alton laughing)

HE'S GOT FOOD
ON HIS MIND.
(Patty)
THAT'S IT.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF YOU SMARTY-BOY.
SORRY.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE,
WHEN IT COMES TO SQUID,

IT'S REALLY EASY
TO MYTH-UP THE FACTS.

YES, GIANT SEA SQUID
DO DWELL IN
ULTRA-DEEP WATERS,

AND THEY HAVE
BEEN MISTAKEN AS
SEA MONSTERS FOR AGES,

AND THEY ARE EDIBLE,
AS MOST SQUID ARE,

ONLY SPERM WHALES ARE
USUALLY THE ONLY ONES
TO GET A BITE OF THEM.

THE SQUID WE EAT
ARE CONSIDERABLY SMALLER,

USUALLY IN THE FOUR
TO TEN-INCH RANGE.

BY THE TIME WE SEE THEM,
THEY'RE USUALLY FROZEN.

SURE, YOU CAN FIND
FRESH SQUID AT SPECIALTY
AND ETHNIC MARKETS,

ESPECIALLY BETWEEN
APRIL AND NOVEMBER

WHEN THEY SPAWN
BY THE GAZILLIONS
OFF THE CALIFORNIA COAST.

BUT ALAS, MOST OF WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA FIND IN
THE GREAT AMERICAN MEGA MART

WILL BE HARD
AS A ROCK.

YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT'S OKAY

BECAUSE SQUID FREEZES
AND THAWS BETTER THAN
ANY OTHER MOLLUSK AROUND.

WHEN IT COMES TO BRINGING
THIS STUFF BACK TO THE LAND
OF THE LIMBER,

YOU'VE GOT TWO OPTIONS.

NO, THAT BOX IS NOT
ONE OF THEM.

THIS BOX, HOWEVER, IS.

JUST PARK THIS
IN THE BOTTOM SHELF
FOR 24 TO 36 HOURS.

OF COURSE, IF YOU WANT
TO EAT YOUR SQUID TODAY,

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO GO WITH A SPEED-THAW.

JUST TAKE YOUR
BLOCK OF SQUID
OUT OF THE PACKAGE

AND PARK IT IN A CLEAN
WATER-TIGHT CONTAINER.

I LIKE TO HOLD IT DOWN
WITH A NICE PIECE
OF PLASTIC-COATED CHAIN.

THERE, AND I'LL PUT THAT
UNDERNEATH A VERY, VERY
TINY STREAM OF COLD WATER.

THERE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
THAT WILL BE ENOUGH
TO KEEP CONVECTION MOVING

INSIDE THAT WATER,

AND THAT'S GONNA
THAW THE SQUID
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

DEPENDING ON THEIR SIZE,
SQUID ARE PROCESSED

TO DIFFERENT LEVELS
OF CULINARY READINESS.

BEFORE WE GET TO SLICING,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
SOME ANATOMY, SHALL WE?

HERE WE HAVE...

THE...

I CAN'T SEE A THING
ON THIS STUFF.

HEH, HEH, HEH,
NOW THAT'S A SQUID.

HERE WE HAVE THE TUBE,
THIS IS THE MAIN BODY
OF THE SQUID.

HE'S GOT SOME
RUDDER FINS DOWN THERE
TO STEER HIM ALONG.

THIS CONTAINS ALL OF
THE INTERNAL ORGANS
THAT THE SQUID HAS GOT,

AS WELL AS HIS ONLY
TRUE BONE,

A KIND OF FEATHER-LIKE
THING CALLED A PINBONE,

WHICH PROVIDES
THE ONLY SUPPORT,

EXCEPT OF COURSE,
FOR THE WATER HE'S
FLOATING IN.

MOVING ON UP,
WE COME TO THE HEAD.

THIS IS WHERE HE DOES
ALL OF HIS BIG THINKING.

HE'S GOT TWO EYES,
OF COURSE,

JUST AS WE HAVE HAIR,
HE'S GOT TENTACLES,
TEN OF THEM.

IF YOU PULL THOSE BACK,
YOU'LL FIND HIS MOUTH.

THERE IT IS, THE BEAK,
THAT WAS THE THING
THAT ALMOST TOOK

CAPTAIN NEMO'S HEAD
CLEAN OFF.

NOW WITH THE NAUTILUS
OUT OF HARM,

WE CAN GET BACK TO
COMMON CULINARY SIZES

OF WHICH THERE ARE
GENERALLY TWO --

SMALL CALAMARI
AND 10/20 CALAMARI.

THEY'RE CALLED THAT
BECAUSE YOU GENERALLY GET
10 TO 20 PIECES PER POUND.

I LIKE THIS SIZE BEST,
WHY?

WELL, LOOK AT
THE PROPORTIONS.

THE HEAD AND TENTACLES
ARE EXACTLY THE SAME
ON THESE,

BUT LOOK AT
THE TUBE SIZE.

YOU GET A LOT MORE MEAT
OUT OF THESE.

BECAUSE OF THAT, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO SO MUCH WORK
WHEN IT COMES TO CUTTING.

SO I'M GONNA GET RID
OF THIS GUY ENTIRELY.

GENERALLY, THE HEAD IS
STILL ATTACHED TO THE TUBE,

SO JUST REACH UP
AND PULL GENTLY,
AND IT WILL COME RIGHT OUT.

NOW AS FAR AS GETTING
THE TENTACLE PORTION,
OR HEAD PORTION, READY,

JUST COME UP
FROM WHERE THE TENTACLES ARE

UNTIL YOU FEEL SOMETHING
KIND OF HARD.

THEN JUST GRAB
YOUR KNIFE AND SLICE.

GET RID OF THAT PART

AND THERE IS
THE TENTACLE PORTION.

SOME FOLKS DON'T LIKE IT,
BUT I KNOW I DO.

NOW AS FAR AS PREPPING
THE BODY, OR TUBE,

THE FIRST THING
IS TO REMOVE THESE TWO
RUDDER FINS.

THEY ARE EXTREMELY CHEWY.

THEN YOU'VE GOT THIS THING
THAT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE...

WELL, YOU KNOW,
THAT THING THE POPE WEARS.

JUST TAKE A VERY,
VERY THIN BLADE,

SLIDE RIGHT IN THERE
UNTIL YOU GET ALL
THE WAY UP TO THE TOP

AND THEN JUST SLICE
HER OPEN.

WHEN YOU GET IT OPEN,
YOU NOTICE THAT THERE
IS KIND OF A MEMBRANE THERE,

AND WE WANT TO GET
RID OF THAT.

SO JUST TAKE THE BLADE OF
YOUR KNIFE AND SCRAPE,
IT WILL COME RIGHT OFF.

SCRAPE AT AN ANGLE.

THERE YOU GO, AND THAT'S
GOING TO LEAVE VERY,
VERY CLEAN MEAT.

WHAT I LIKE TO DO
IS TAKE A UTILITY KNIFE,
CLEAN ONE, OF COURSE,

AND SET IT FOR
THE SHALLOWEST
BLADE SETTING I CAN GET

AND THEN JUST MAKE
LITTLE CROSS CUTS,
CROSS HATCHES,

ACROSS THE SQUID.

THAT WAY AND THEN
THIS WAY.

NOW WITH THE CONNECTIVE
TISSUE ALL BROKEN UP
LIKE THAT,

WHEN IT COOKS, IT'S NOT
GOING TO CURL UP ON ITSELF
LIKE A DRINKING STRAW,

AND THE LITTLE GROOVES
WILL ALSO HELP TO
HOLD ONTO SOME JUICE.

THE LAST THING
IS TO CUT THIS
INTO QUARTERS.

THOSE ARE NICE
BITE-SIZED PIECES.

SO HOW LONG
WILL THEY KEEP?

WELL, IN THE BOTTOM BACK
OF YOUR REFRIGERATOR
IN THE MEAT DRAWER,

I'D GIVE THEM
TWO TO THREE DAYS TOPS,

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO EEK OUT
AN EXTRA DAY IN A PROPERLY
PACKED COOLER, THOUGH.

THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY
TO PACK A COOLER?

YOU DON'T DO A LOT
OF TAILGATING,
DO YOU, NED?

OBSERVE.

HERE WE HAVE
A PROPER COLD STACK.

NOTICE THAT EVERYTHING
IS IN FIRMLY SEALING
CONTAINERS,

STACKED IN ORDER OF USE
FROM FIRST TO LAST.

(Chuck)
WOW, THE MIRACLE OF
MISE EN PLACE.

MEES IN WHERE?
I'LL TELL YOU LATER,
GO AHEAD, MR. BROWN,

WE WOULDN'T WANT
TO INTERRUPT YOUR STORY.
THANKS, CHUCK.

NOW I HATE TO SEE RAW FOOD
AND COOKED FOOD INTEGRATED
INTO THE SAME COOLER,

BUT IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU'VE GOT TO DO,

MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT
THE RAW FOOD ON THE BOTTOM

AND THE COOKED FOOD
ON THE TOP

SO THAT YOU REDUCE
THE CHANCES FOR
CROSS CONTAMINATION, OKAY?

NOW ON TOP
OF EVERYTHING,

YOU'RE GOING TO PUT
A THIN TEA TOWEL,

AND THEN DISTRIBUTE
COLD PACKS ALL ACROSS
THE TOP.

(Ned)
NO ICE?
NOPE, ICE IS
ONLY FOR DRINKS.

(Chuck)
TOO MUCH DANGER
OF AQUEOUS MIGRATION.

LEAKAGE...
ISN'T THAT IT,
MR. BROWN?
THAT IS IT.

OF COURSE, THE REASON
WE PUT THE COLD PACKS
ON TOP

IS BECAUSE AIR,
OF COURSE, SINKS,

BUT I MUST STRESS,
THIS DEVICE IS NOT HERE
TO MAKE FOOD COLD,

ONLY TO KEEP IT COLD,

SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING
IS THOROUGHLY REFRIGERATED
BEFORE YOU DO THE PACK.

(Chuck)
GREAT, I'VE GOT IT,
I'M GONNA GO LOOK
FOR PATTY.

WAIT, NO, NO,
SHE'S FINE, I WANNA SHOW
YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

MOST PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE
THAT YOU CAN ALSO TURN
A COOLER INTO...

A FOOD WARMER.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GET YOURSELF
A COUPLE OF BRICKS,

WRAP THEM IN HEAVY-DUTY ALUMINUM
FOIL, PARK 'EM IN A 500-DEGREE
OVEN FOR HALF AN HOUR.

THESE YOU PLACE ON TOP
OF A TOWEL, THICK OLD ONE
PREFERABLY,

IN THE BOTTOM
OF THE COOLER.

THEN OVER THAT, YOU PUT
ANOTHER TOWEL THAT'S BEEN
MOISTENED WITH HOT WATER.

WHAT FOR?
INCREASED CONDUCTION.

AGAIN, THE PACK
IS THE SAME IN ORDER OF USE
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM,

ALL THE CONTAINERS
TIGHTLY SEALING.

NOW HERE'S THE THING,
OF COURSE, HEAT RISES,
RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY WE'VE GOT
THE HOT BRICKS IN
THE BOTTOM.

BUT THEN EVERY TIME
YOU OPEN THE LID,
YOU LET THE HOT AIR OUT,

SO YOU'VE GOT TO PUT
ANOTHER TOWEL ON TOP
TO ACT AS INSULATION.

THAT WAY, WHEN YOU OPEN
THE LID AND GO HUNTING
FOR SOMETHING,

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO LET ALL THE HEAT OUT.

BUT OF COURSE, YOU AREN'T
GOING TO HAVE TO LOOK
AROUND MUCH

BECAUSE YOU CLEVERLY...

MADE A COOLER SCHEMATIC.

(Ned and Chuck laughing)

(Chuck)
OH MR. BROWN,
YOU ARE SO FUNNY.

YEAH, JUST A LITTLE JOKE I...

IS THAT PATTY,
YOU BETTER GO LOOK FOR HER.

PATTY...
PATTY CAKE, THIS IS...

CHUCKIE, COME IN.

OH MR. BROWN,
I'M REALLY WORRIED,

SHE'S BEEN GONE
WAY TOO LONG.

I BETTER GO LOOK...
WHOA, SAY,
WHAT'S WITH THE WOK?

WELL, A WOK IS KIND OF
THE IDEAL KIND OF
SQUID-COOKING VESSEL, CHUCK,

AND IT'S ALSO REALLY GREAT
FOR TAILGATING.

WHAT MAKES IT
SO SPECIAL?
WELL, TWO THINGS.

FOR ONE, THE METAL.

THE VERY BEST WOKS,
WHICH ARE ALSO
SOME OF THE CHEAPEST,

ARE MADE OUT OF
A HIGH-CARBON STEEL,

AND IT'S AN EXCELLENT
HEAT CONDUCTOR.

THE REAL SECRET
IS THE SHAPE,
THIS BOWL SHAPE,

IT MEANS THAT NO MATTER
WHAT YOU HAVE IN IT,
IT POOLS DOWN TO THE BOTTOM,

WHICH IS CLOSEST
TO THE FIRE,

SO YOU CAN COOK
LARGE AMOUNTS,
YOU CAN COOK SMALL AMOUNTS,

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

OH, DID I MENTION
STIR-FRYING BECAUSE
THIS IS THE STIR-FRYING PAN.

YOU KNOW, I TRIED
THAT ONCE,

BUT IT DIDN'T
REALLY TASTE...

RIGHT.
WELL, YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T
HAVE ANY WOK HEY.

OH, WHERE CAN
I GET SOME?
NO, IT'S A WORD,
IT'S A CHINESE TERM

THAT MEANS THE FLAVOR
OF THE WOK.

OKAY, BUT WHERE
CAN I GET SOME?

OH WELL, THERE'S ONLY
ONE WAY TO GET WOK HEY,
AND THAT'S HEAT,

LOTS OF HEAT.

I FOUND PATTY'S CAMERA,
BUT NO PATTY.
YOU DON'T THINK...

(Alton)
OH, DON'T WORRY, CHUCK,
I'M POSITIVE SHE DID NOT
GET TAKEN UP

BY GIANT SQUID-MAN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, BECAUSE I SAW
HER WALKING WITH AQUA-MAN
JUST DOWN THE BEACH.

HIS LACK OF FAITH
DISTURBS ME...
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

GENTLEMEN, WHY CAN'T
YOU GET WOK HEY AT HOME?
(Ned)
WOK WHAT?

(Chuck)
IT'S THE FLAVOR
OF THE WOK, COME ON.

YOU CAN'T GET WOK HEY
AT HOME BECAUSE THE AVERAGE
HOME RANGE BURNER

DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH OOMPH
TO GET A WOK REALLY,
REALLY HOT.

THIS DOES --
JUST AN OUTDOOR BURNER
FROM A TURKEY FRYER SETUP.

I THINK THIS IS
GOING TO REVOLUTIONIZE
TAILGATING.

(Chuck)
YEAH, THIS IS ALL GREAT,
BUT SHOULDN'T WE LOOK
FOR PATTY?

LET THE AROMA
OF OUR STIR-FRY
LEAD HER HOME.

(Ned)
DO YOU NEED THIS?
WELL, I HOPE NOT,

BUT IF YOU'RE GOING
TO PLAY WITH FIRE,
YOU'VE GOT TO BE PROTECTED.

ARE WE CLEAR ON THIS?
(Chuck and Ned)
CRYSTAL.

OKAY, NOW THIS IS
THE PROCEDURE
FOR LIGHTING THIS BAD BOY.

NUMBER ONE, ALL THE TUBES
ARE TIGHTLY CONNECTED.

NUMBER TWO, VALVES
ARE IN THE OFF POSITION.

THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING
TO BE TWO VALVES --

THE ONE ON THE TANK
AND THE ONE IN BETWEEN
THE TANK AND THE BURNER.

NEXT, WE OPEN
THE VALVE ON TOP
OF THE TANK, RIGHT?

BUT THIS ONE
IS STILL CLOSED.

NEXT, WE APPLY FIRE
TO THE BURNER.

DO NOT USE A SHORT LIGHTER,
USE A LONG LIGHTER
OR LONG MATCH.

ALWAYS BRING
YOUR HAND IN UNDERNEATH, OKAY?

AAAAHHH...
KABOOM!

ALSO, DON'T
LOOK DOWN, OKAY?

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO LIKE THE VIEW VERY MUCH.

WHAT ARE WE ON --
NUMBER FIVE NOW?

NUMBER FIVE,
LIGHT AND THEN SLOWLY
OPEN THE VALVE...

TAKE YOUR TIME.

THERE, NOW THAT IS
A BIG FLAME,
BUT IT'S A YELLOW FLAME,

WHICH MEANS IT'S PRETTY,
BUT IT'S INEFFECTIVE
COMBUSTION,

SO IT'S NOT AS HOT
AS IT COULD BE.

SO REACH DOWN ON
THE SIDE OF THE BRUNER,
YOU'LL FIND A LITTLE DISK.

TURN IT,
IT'S THE CARBURETOR.

JUST TURN IT
UNTIL THE FLAME IS AS BLUE

AS THE BACK END
OF AN F-16.

GENTLEMEN,
WOK THIS WAY.

A STIR-FRY IS NOT SO MUCH
A RECIPE AS IT IS...

A PROCEDURE.

THERE'S AN ORDER
TO THINGS...
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

THERE'S AN ORDER TO THINGS,
AND YOU'VE GOT TO STICK
WITH THAT ORDER

IF YOU'RE REALLY
GOING TO HAVE A STIR-FRY.

A STIR-FRY IS ALSO
A LOT LIKE A CHAIN REACTION.

IT HAPPENS VERY...
JUST A SECOND.

IT HAPPENS VERY,
VERY QUICKLY,
AND ONCE IT STARTS,

THERE ISN'T ANY
STOPPING IT,
IT'S LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.

YOU GET IN THE CAR,
THE BAR COMES DOWN,
YOU PULL OUT OF THE STATION.

YOU'RE COMMITTED...
JUST A SECOND.

THAT IS WHAT
STIR-FRYING IS,
YOU ARE COMMITTED.

THIS MEANS THAT WE MUST BE
FULLY PREPARED.

ALL THE INGREDIENTS
MUST BE LAID OUT,
PRE-CHOPPED, PRE-SLICED,

PRE-MEASURED,
READY TO GO.

EVEN YOUR SERVING PIECES
HAD BETTER BE IN PLACE

BECAUSE ONCE THIS STARTS...
WHAT?

SHOULDN'T WE PUT
SOMETHING IN IT,
SOME OIL OR SOMETHING?

NED, ONE OF THE MAJOR
TENANTS OF STIR-FRYING IS,

THE WOK MUST HEAT ALONE.

(Chuck)
I THINK IT'S
STARTING TO GLOW.
COOL.

INDEED, I WOULD SAY
THAT WE'RE READY TO COOK
A LITTLE THING I CALL

SQUID VICIOUS.

DON'T BE AFRAID,
FELLAS.

ONIONS...

PEPPERS...

OYSTER MUSHROOMS.

GIVE IT A STIR --
STIR-FRY.

(Ned and Chuck laughing)

LITTLE TOSS,
GIRLS LOVE THAT.

SEE YOU'VE GOT A LOT
OF NICE COLOR THERE,

NOW WE'LL GO WITH
A LITTLE SAUCE.

THIS WILL THICKEN UP
AS IT COOKS BECAUSE IT'S
GOT CORNSTARCH IN IT.

SMELL THAT?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET
THAT FROM ANYTHING
BUT A WOK.

AND NOW IT IS DINNERTIME.

MMM.

SO MR. B, CAN THAT THING
DO ANY OTHER SQUID
TRICKS?

OF COURSE, YOU COULD
DEEP-FRY CALAMARI IN THERE,

YOU COULD MAKE SQUID SOUP,
OR YOU COULD STUFF 'EM WHOLE
AND BRAISE 'EM IN THERE.

(Ned)
I THOUGHT LONG COOKING
MADE SQUID TOUGH.

ACTUALLY, NED, IT'S
MORE LIKE A BELL CURVE.

YOU SEE, THEY START OUT
VERY TENDER IF YOU
COOK 'EM FAST AND HOT

AND THEN THEY START
TO GET TOUGH THE LONGER
YOU COOK 'EM,

BUT IF YOU STICK
WITH IT AND KEEP IT
UNDER A SIMMER,

THEY'LL GET
TENDER AGAIN.

SO ARE YOU GOING
TO MAKE SOME NOW?
NO, I THINK I'LL WAIT
FOR THE NEXT SHOW.

(Ned)
WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO COOK ANYMORE,

WHY DID YOU LEAVE
THE WOK ON THE FIRE?
AH, ONE OF
MY FAVORITE THINGS

ABOUT STIR-FRYING,
NED, CLEANUP.

JUST PLACE YOUR WOK
ONTO HIGH HEAT

AND HIT IT
WITH SOME WATER.

JUST LET THAT BOIL
FOR A SECOND,

SLOSH IT AROUND
A COUPLE OF TIMES,

AND THROW OUT THE MUCK,
CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.

DUDE...
YOU WOK.

THANK YOU, NED,
I THINK.

YOU KNOW, I SURE
AM SORRY PATTY'S
NOT HERE.

SHE WASN'T TOO KEEN
ON EATING SQUID,

AND SHE PROBABLY WOULD
HAVE JUST RUINED
IT FOR ME.
BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER.

(Ned)
SHE'S IMMORTAL NOW,

GONE DOWN TO THE SQUID-MAN'S
UNDERSEA PALACE,

BUILT FROM THE BONES
OF COUNTLESS SUNKEN VESSELS

AND FILLED TO THE GUNNELS
WITH GLIMMERING TREASURE.

(Patty)
HI, BOYS, ANY LUCK?
PATTY CAKE!

THIS IS RONCO,
HE SAVED ME.

SHE FELL FROM...
THE LEVY.

AND MY BOAT
WAS NEARBY.
WHAT LUCK.

(Ned)
DID YOU SEE HIM?
WHO?

HIM, GIANT SQUID-MAN.
OH, THAT'S JUST
A SILLY OLD LEGEND.

HOW COME YOUR SHOES
ARE DRY THEN?
FOOD, I'M FAMISHED!

I HAVE A CASE OF
CRABS TO DELIVER.

SOMETHING'S FISHY.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T EAT SQUID.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD.

(Chuck)
EXCUSE ME MR. B,
I NEED TO TALK
TO PATTY.

OH, OF COURSE.

YOU KIDS TAKE
ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

WE'LL RECAP WHAT WE LEARNED
TODAY.

LET'S SEE, WE LEARNED
THAT SQUID ARE LOW FAT,
VERY HIGH IN PROTEIN,

THEY'RE AFFORDABLE,
THEY'RE PLENTIFUL,
THEY'RE VERSATILE,

AND THEY'RE
VERY QUICK COOKING,

ALL OF WHICH MEANS
THAT THEY ARE LIKE,
THE PERFECT FOOD

FOR ANY TAILGATE-ABLE
EVENT.

WE ALSO LEARNED THAT
A 12 TO 16-INCH STEEL WOK

IS THE SWISS ARMY KNIFE
OF THE COOKWARE WORLD,

WHICH MEANS IT'S ALSO
PERFECT FOR TAILGATING.

DID WE LEARN
ANYTHING ELSE?

YEAH, WE LEARNED THAT
THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A GIANT SQUID-MAN.

(Ned)
YES, THERE IS.
NO, NED,
THERE'S NOT.

NOW PLEASE,
LOSE THE PATHETIC HAT
AND GET YOURSELF A LIFE.

YOU KNOW, P.T. BARNUM
WROTE THAT THERE'S
A SUCKER FOR EVERY...

OH BOTHER.

(Alton yelling)

(suspenseful music)

I GUESS HE WASN'T
LOOKING FOR A BRIDE AFTER ALL.

I GUESS GIANT SQUID-MAN
IS JUST LIKE US...

ALL HE WANTS IS
SOME GOOD EATS.
OH.