Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Bulb of the Night - full transcript

(knocking sound)

(organ music)

GOOD EVENING.
OH, MR. VLADIMIR,
RIGHT ON TIME.

OH PEASE,
COME ON IN, COME ON.

THAT'S A VERY DASHING
CAPE YOU HAVE THERE.
THANK YOU.

AND PLEASE,
CALL ME VLAD.
OKAY, VLAD,
HAVE A SEAT.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

I DON'T TAKE MANY
FOOD-PHOBIA CASES, OKAY,

BUT I'VE LOOKED
OVER YOUR CHART,

AND I HAVE TO SAY
I AM INTRIGUED.

I NEVER COOK GARLIC.



AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU
HAD THIS PROBLEM?
CENTURIES, IT SEEMS.

WHY SEEK HELP NOW?
MODERN VOMEN
ALL VANT CHEFS.

I TRIED TO COOK,
BUT TODAY'S RECIPES

CALL FOR HEAPING PILES
OF THAT CURSED
ITALIAN VEED.

VLAD, GARLIC
IS NOT CURSED,

IT'S NOT A WEED,
AND IT'S NOT
EVEN ITALIAN,

IN FACT, IT'S FROM YOUR
NECK OF THE WOODS --

BUDAPEST...
NO, THE CARPATHIANS,
RIGHT?

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND YET, YOU DON'T
EAT GARLIC...
FASCINATING.

IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU
ARE ONLY AVAILABLE
NIGHTS?

IS ZIS A PROBLEM?
I SHOULDN'T THINK SO.

WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES.

I WANT YOU TO MEET ME
AT THIS ADDRESS, OKAY,
TOMORROW.



LET'S SAY AROUND
5:00.
NO, 6:00 WOULD
BE BETTER.

AT 6:00,
6:00 WOULD BE FINE.

VLAD, TRUST ME,
GARLIC IS A HEALTHFUL,

DELICIOUS, UNIQUE FOOD,

AND YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE IT, OKAY?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KEEP
SAYING TO YOURSELF,
"GARLIC IS GOOD EATS."

SAY IT WITH ME NOW,
OKAY?

(Alton and Vlad)
GARLIC IS GOOD EATS.

HEY, VLAD,
THERE YOU ARE.

HEY, VLAD,
COME ON, BIG GUY,
GARLIC IS OVER THIS WAY.

IN ANCIENT ROME, THERE
WERE THE PRIESTESSES
OF CYBELE --

WHOEVER CYBELE IS --

THEY WOULD NOT ALLOW
ANYONE SMELLING
OF GARLIC

INTO ANY
OF THEIR TEMPLES.

I ALWAYS DID
LIKE THOSE GIRLS.

THEN THERE WAS
KING ALFONSO OF SPAIN.

HE FORBADE HIS KNIGHTS
TO EVER CONSUME GARLIC,

AND IF A MEMBER
OF HIS COURT
DID EAT GARLIC,

THE OLD GUY WOULDN'T
TALK TO THEM
FOR LIKE, FOUR WEEKS.

ZIS IS MY KIND OF GUY.

WELL, ON THE OTHER HAND,
THERE'S GUYS LIKE
ARISTOTLE THOUGH.

BY 35 B.C., HE'D WRITTEN
AN ENTIRE BOOK

ABOUT THE MEDICINAL
QUALITIES OF GARLIC.

DO YOU KNOW
THAT MARCO POLO
DURING HIS TRAVELS

WROTE OF SEEING
THE TARTARS SAFELY
CONSUME ALL KINDS

OF NASTY RAW MEAT,

AS LONG AS IT WAS EATEN
WITH CHOPPED UP,
RAW GARLIC.

I ALWAYS ENJOYED
THE TARTARS.

YOU MEAN STEAK TARTARE?
WHATEVER.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT
GARLIC PROBABLY KEPT
THEM FROM GETTING SICK.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW
THAT IN 1875,

DOCTOR ALBERT SWITZER
SUCCESSFULLY FOUGHT

AN OUTBREAK
OF DYSENTERY IN AFRICA,

USING ONLY GARLIC?

ARE YOU A NUTRITIONAL
ANTHROPOLOGIST?
I'M NOT A NUTRITIONAL
ANTHROPOLOGIST.

NOW COME ON,
THE BULBS ARE WAITING.

I REALLY THINK IT'S
GONNA HELP IF YOU GET...

GET A DIFFERENT MINDSET
ABOUT GARLIC.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO
IS THINK OF THIS

AS THE EXACT SAME THING
AS THIS.

YOU PULL VLAD'S LEG.

NO, I DON'T PULL
VLAD'S LEG.

LOOK, THEY'RE BOTH
JUST CONTAINERS.

SEE, THIS ONE HOLDS
INDIVIDUAL EGGS,

THIS ONE HOLDS
INDIVIDUAL EGGS.

JUST OPEN IT UP.

THERE, SEE,
INDIVIDUAL EGG,

AND THERE'S EVEN MORE
SIMILARITIES.

LOOK, THIS HAS GOT
A TOUGH OUTER SHELL,
RIGHT?

INSIDE, THERE IS A YOLK
AND A BIOLOGICAL
FUEL TANK.

THIS HAS GOT
A HARD SHELL,

INSIDE THERE IS
A SPROUT,

SURROUNDED BY
A BOTANICAL FUEL TANK,
OKAY?

SO ARE THEY ALL
THE SAME, THESE GARLICS?

NO, THERE ARE DOZENS,
MAYBE EVEN HUNDREDS

OF DIFFERENT GARLICS
GROWN AROUND THE WORLD,

BUT MOSTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO FIND

IN THE GREAT
AMERICAN MEGA-MART

IS WHITE, AMERICAN
GARLIC,

PROBABLY GROWN
IN CALIFORNIA.

IT'S GOT A GOOD
GARLIC FLAVOR

AND A LITTLE BIT
OF HEAT, LITTLE BIT
OF HOTNESS.

IF YOU RUN INTO GARLIC
THAT'S GOT PURPLE
STRIPES ON THE OUTSIDE,

AND YOU CRACK IT OPEN,
AND THE CLOVE IS COVERED

WITH A KIND OF
MAUVE PAPER,

THAT'S MEXICAN GARLIC,
AND IT'S GREAT TASTING,

BUT IT'S A LITTLE MILDER
THAN AMERICAN GARLIC.

I USUALLY USE
TWO CLOVES OF THAT
FOR ONE CLOVE OF THIS.

OF COURSE, THAT DEPENDS
ON THE SIZE OF
THE CLOVE.

YOU SEE, THE SMALLER
THE CLOVE,
THE STRONGER THE FLAVOR.

SO THAT GARLIC
IS LESS POTENT
THAN THAT?

YES, YES,
THIS IS ACTUALLY MILDER.

BUT YOU SEE,
THIS IS ELEPHANT GARLIC,

AND ELEPHANT GARLIC
IS NOT REALLY GARLIC,
IT'S A LEEK,

SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.
HMM, VHICH DO
I CHOOSE NOW?

FIRST THING YOU
GOTTA DO IS LOOK
AT THE MARKET.

I MEAN, LOOK AROUND.

IS THE GARLIC KEPT
IN A REFRIGERATED UNIT?

NO, WE'RE GOOD THERE.

ARE THERE ANY
OF THOSE ANNOYING
MISTER THINGS AROUND?

NO, WE SEEM GOOD THERE.

SO THE NEXT THING
YOU GOTTA DO
IS PICK UP A BULB.
NO.

YEAH, YOU GOTTA PICK UP
A BULB SOMETIME, VLAD.

COME ON, THIS ONE
RIGHT HERE.

THIS ONE'S CALLING YOU,
IT'S NOT GONNA BITE YOU.

"PICK ME UP,
PICK ME UP."

GOOD, NOW LOOK
AT THE PAPER.

IS THE PAPER INTACT,
IS IT NICE AND TAUT
ALL THE WAY AROUND?

YES.
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

KIND OF WEIGH IT
IN YOUR HAND.

DOES IT SEEM HEAVY
FOR ITS SIZE?
YES.

YEAH, GOOD,
SO FAR SO GOOD.

NOW GIVE IT
A SQUEEZE.

GIVE IT A SQUEEZE,
COME ON.

FIRM?
YES, IT IS.

GOOD, YOU'RE IN
POSSESSION OF
A GREAT HEAD OF GARLIC.

OH, ONE OTHER THING
TO LOOK FOR.

DO YOU SEE ANY
BLACK POWDER?

YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE
BLACK POWDER
ANYWHERE ON THERE

BECAUSE THAT MEANS MOLD,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
MOLD MEANS.
HMMM, DEATH.

DEATH, YEAH,
I NEVER HEARD IT
PUT QUITE THAT WAY.

THERE IS ONE OTHER WAY
TO CHECK ON FRESHNESS,

BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT
MOST PRODUCE MANAGERS

REALLY DON'T
WANNA SEE YOU DO THIS.

JUST TAKE A KNIFE
AND CUT A CLOVE IN HALF,

HORIZONTALLY.

THERE, WHAT DO YOU SEE
IN THE MIDDLE?

VLAD SEES NOTHING.
THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S BECAUSE
THE SPROUT IN THE MIDDLE

IS STILL IMMATURE,
OKAY?

IF YOU HAD LOOKED
DOWN THERE
AND SEEN GREEN,

THAT MEANS THE SPROUT
IS GETTING READY TO POP,

AND THAT MEANS
IT WOULD BE BITTER.

OH, I LOVE
THAT FRAGRANCE.
GET BACK!

(Vlad)
HMMM, VHAT AN
INTERESTING PLACE.

HEY, VLAD,
WHAT'S THE MATTER,

YOU NEVER BEEN IN A PLACE
LIKE THIS BEFORE, COME ON.

YOU KNOW, THE THING
ABOUT GARLIC GADGETS THAT
YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT

IS THAT HALF OF
THE ONES ON THE MARKET
EITHER DON'T WORK,

OR THEY JUST BRING OUT
GARLIC'S...

WELL, DARKER POWERS,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

NOW I DO KNOW SOMEBODY
THAT CAN HELP US,
THAT IS IF SHE'S IN THE MOOD,

I JUST DON'T
SEE HER RIGHT NOW.

YOU STAY PUT,
OKAY, JUST HANG HERE
FOR A MINUTE OR TWO,

AND I'M GONNA GO FIND HER,
OKAY?

HMMM, VHAT
IS ZIS?
(W)
MAY I HELP YOU?

GOOD EVENING.
OH...

GOOD EVENING,
CAN I HELP YOU
FIND SOMETHING?

HMMM, PERHAPS I
JUST FOUND IT.
OH...

I WAS THINKING
ABOUT A KITCHEN TOOL,
SPATULA, PERHAPS.

(Alton)
HI, W.
GO AWAY.

THIS IS MR. VLAD,
HE'S VERY BUSY.
OH, VLAD,
VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

(kissing sound)

(Vlad)
PLEASURE IS ALL MINE.
(Alton)
OH, DON'T DO THAT.

DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS,
VLAD, NEVER FEED
THE ANIMALS.

LISTEN, W, VLAD IS
JUST LEARNING HOW
TO COOK WITH GARLIC,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU COULD HELP HIM
FIND SOME TOOLS.

(W)
WELL, DID YOU KNOW
THAT GARLIC IS A...

POWERFUL APHRODISIAC?
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW
VERY WELL

THAT SULPHURET OF ALLYL
IS A MILD STIMULANT
AT BEST,

AND IT DOES NOT HAVE
ANY LOCALIZED EFFECTS.

NOW MAYBE YOU COULD
SHOW VLAD SOME PEELERS.
PEELING, OH, RIGHT THIS WAY.

THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL
GARLIC PEELER.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, WHY
WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND
$7 ON A PLASTIC TUBE

WHEN YOU COULD GET FIVE
OF THESE LITTLE GUYS
FOR $2,

AND THESE ARE GOOD FOR
A LOT OF OTHER THINGS.

YOU COULD USE THEM
TO CRACK OPEN
STUBBORN JARS,

THEY'LL KEEP WORK BOWLS
FROM SLIDING AROUND,

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR
CUTTING BOARD FROM
SLIDING AROUND,

AND WHAT'S BEST OF ALL,
YOU CAN DROP A CLOVE
OF GARLIC IN THE MIDDLE,

FOLD IT OVER,
GIVE IT A RUB,

AND POP, RIGHT OUT
OF THE SKIN IT GOES.

FIVE TOOLS
IN ONE BAG HERE.

(Vlad)
VERY HANDY.

(W)
YOU'LL NEED
A GARLIC PRESS THEN.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS PUT IN A CLOVE OF GARLIC

AND SQUEEZE.

YOU DO KNOW HOW TO SQUEEZE
DON'T YOU?

(Alton)
VLAD, DON'T GO THERE,
YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

THAT THING IS
A ONE-TRICK PONY, OKAY?

IF YOU'RE GONNA
HANG WITH ME,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
LEARN HOW TO APPRECIATE
MULTITASKERS.

I MEAN, INSTEAD
OF THAT THING,
USE ONE OF THESE.

A HAMMER?
WELL, YEAH, IT'S
FOR POUNDING STEAKS.

STAKES?
YEAH, STEAKS,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

(Vlad)
PARDON ME, PLEASE.
(W)
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

(Alton)
LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO USE A MEAT TENDERIZER
I DON'T CARE.

YOU CAN USE A BRICK JUST
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T
PULVERIZE THE GARLIC,

WHICH IS WHAT
THAT THING WILL DO,

YOU WANT TO LIGHTLY
CRUSH IT.
(Vlad)
OH, OKAY.

(W)
VLAD, YOU'LL NEED SOMETHING
TO GET THE SMELL OFF
YOUR HANDS.

(Alton)
SMELL...
OH!

(Vlad)
ZEE SMELL,
I DON'T LIKE.

(W)
JUST COME THIS WAY.

NOW IF YOU'LL JUST
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
CERTAINLY.

IF YOU'LL JUST RUB
THIS SPECIAL METAL BAR

OVER YOUR HANDS
UNDER RUNNING WATER,

THE MOLECULAR BONDS
THAT HOLDS THE GARLIC
TO YOUR HANDS

WILL BE GONE.

(Alton)
SPECIAL METAL BAR...
VLAD, THAT'S A CHUNK
OF STAINLESS STEEL

THAT SHE'S WORKING
ON YOU WITH.

YOU COULD GET
THE SAME RESULTS FROM
A STAINLESS-STEEL LADLE,

A PAIR OF TONGS,
HECK, THIS BOARD SCRAPER
WILL DO THE SAME JOB,

AND MIGHT I ADD,
IT'LL DO A LOT MORE.

THAT THINK IS JUST
A PAPERWEIGHT.

HMM, IS ZIS TRUE,
MISS W?
(W)
WHO CARES?

(Alton)
ALL RIGHT, THANKS A LOT,
SMITTEN KITTEN,
GO BACK TO WORK.

VLAD, WE'RE DONE,
COME ON, WE'VE GOT
EVERYTHING WE NEED.

JUST DON'T LOOK BACK,
OKAY, DON'T LOOK BACK.

COME ON, LET'S GO.
HMM, VERY NICE.

HEY.

VLAD, IT IS TIME YOU
LEARNED THE THREE LAWS
OF GARLIC.

WHAT ARE ZEES LAWS?
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.

NUMBER ONE, THE SMALLER
THE PIECES OF GARLIC,

THE STRONGER THE FLAVOR
WILL BE.

BIG PIECES --
MILD FLAVOR.

NUMBER TWO, THE LONGER
YOU COOK IT,

THE MILDER THE TASTE,
SWEETER, TOO.

NUMBER THREE --
THIS IS IMPORTANT --

YOU BURN IT,
IT'S TOAST,

AS IN ALL OVER, KAPUT,
YOU CANNOT REPAIR IT.

PERHAPS VE START MILD.
SURE, MILD,

MILD IS EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

BEFORE WE GET GOING,
I GOT YOU AN APRON,

SOMETHING TO PROTECT
YOUR TUXEDO.
THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK GOOD IN BLACK.

SO WHAT WE'LL DO
IS START WITH BASIC,
SIMPLE GARLICKY GREENS.

FOR THAT, YOU'RE GONNA
NEED YOUR BIGGEST PAN.

I LIKE TO USE THIS
HIGH-SIDED SAUTE PAN.

PUT THAT OVER HIGH HEAT,
LET IT GET GOOD
AND HIGH.

WE'RE ALSO GONNA NEED
SOME TONGS.

YOU PROBABLY HAVE SOME
OF THESE, DON'T YOU,
WELL, YOU SHOULD.

WE'RE GONNA NEED
A BOARD SCRAPER,

ANYTHING THAT'S
HARD AND FLAT.

WE'RE GONNA USE THAT
TO CRACK OPEN
THESE CLOVES OF GARLIC.

THIS IS GONNA BE
YOUR JOB.

I'LL BREAK 'EM
OPEN FOR YOU,

BUT THEN I WANT YOU
TO PEEL THEM.

NOW YOU JUST LAY
THE BOARD SCRAPER
ON THERE

AND GIVE IT A POP.

THAT WILL LOOSEN UP
THE SKIN,

AND IT'S ALSO GOING
TO BREAK JUST ENOUGH
OF THE GARLIC CELLS

TO GET SOME FLAVOR
GOING.

SO I WANT YOU
TO PEEL THOSE,
GO TO IT.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

MEANWHILE, I'M GONNA
GATHER UP THE REST
OF THE INGREDIENTS.

WE'RE GONNA NEED
SOME OLIVE OIL,
SALT, PEPPER,

AND OF COURSE,
THE GREENS.

MUSTARD GREENS
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?
YES.

I LIKE 'EM.

THEY LOOK GOOD
THIS YEAR.

I'VE GOT ABOUT
THREE HANDFULS HERE,

WHICH IS GONNA BE
JUST ENOUGH FOR
ONE POT.

VLAD, WE DON'T HAVE
ALL NIGHT HERE, COME ON.

JUST RUB 'EM TOGETHER
LIKE THAT, OKAY?

AND THEN THEY WILL POP
RIGHT OUT OF THE SHELL.

NOW SINCE THEY ARE
SMASHED UP JUST --

GOOD, GOOD, JUST DROP
THAT RIGHT IN THERE --

SINCE THEY ARE SMASHED
UP A LITTLE BIT,

WE'RE GONNA GET
SOME FLAVOR OUT OF THEM.

BUT BIGGER IS MILD,
REMEMBER, SO LEAVE
IT INTACT.

AS SOON AS THE PAN
IS GOOD AND HOT,

WE'RE GONNA GO AHEAD
AND ADD SOME OLIVE OIL,
ALL RIGHT?

IT DOESN'T TAKE A LOT,
JUST ENOUGH TO COVER
THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN.

BASICALLY WHAT WE'RE
GONNA DO HERE, VLAD,

WE'RE GONNA MAKE
GARLIC OIL.

THE FRENCH CALL THIS
BLESSING THE GARLIC

WHERE YOU'RE BARELY,
BARELY GONNA PICK UP

SOME SUBTLE FLAVORS
FROM THE GARLIC.

I'M GONNA GIVE IT
A LAST CRUSH BEFORE
IT GOES IN.

OKAY, WE'RE JUST GONNA
MOVE THAT AROUND
IN THE PAN

FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

JUST UNTIL THE GARLIC
STARTS TO GET
A LITTLE BROWN.

THEN, THIS IS WHERE
THE MILD PART COMES IN,

WE'RE ACTUALLY GONNA
REMOVE THE GARLIC

AND USE IT
FOR SOMETHING ELSE,
THIS IS JUST FLAVORING.

ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN SEE
THESE ARE NICE
AND GOLD NOW.

VLAD, HOW ARE YOU GONNA
LEARN ANY OF THIS STUFF
OVER THERE?

THESE ARE READY NOW,
NICE AND GOLD.

IF WE TAKE THEM
ANY FURTHER,

WE'RE GONNA BREAK
RULE NUMBER THREE,

AND THEY'RE GONNA
BE BURNT,

SO IT'S TIME
TO TAKE THEM
OUT OF THE PAN.

DON'T GET RID
OF THEM, THOUGH,

YOU CAN CHOP THEM UP
AND WORK THEM INTO SOME
BUTTER, SOUR CREAM.

HECK, YOU COULD DO
ANYTHING WITH THEM,
THEY'RE NICE AND SOFT.

CAN MORE GARLIC
BE ADDED?

YEAH, YEAH, WE
CAN DO THAT, SURE.

FOR INSTANCE, IF WE HAD
ONE CLOVE OF GARLIC
SLICED UP NICE...

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO COME OVER HERE
TO SEE THIS.

WE ADD THAT RIGHT
TO THE PAN,

BUT THEN TURN
THE HEAT OFF,

OKAY, BECAUSE THERE'S
ALREADY A LOT OF HEAT
IN THERE.

NOW IF YOU'RE GONNA
LEAVE GARLIC IN A DISH,

YOU GOTTA BE REALLY,
REALLY CAREFUL ABOUT
HOW YOU COOK IT.

YOU JUST BARELY,
BARELY WANT IT
TO BROWN ON THE EDGES.

SO WITH THE HEAT OFF,
WE'LL JUST KEEP
THE PAN MOVING,

AND THESE
ARE SMALL PIECES,

SO THIS IS
GONNA HAPPEN QUICK.

I'M GONNA HIT IT
WITH A LITTLE SALT.

YOU WILLING TO HELP
ME OUT HERE?
YES.

OKAY, BE ON
THOSE GREENS.

AS SOON AS WE SEE
A LITTLE BIT OF COLOR,

WE'RE GONNA WANNA
COOL DOWN THE PAN,

AND THOSE GREENS
ARE THE BEST...

THAT'S NOT A HANDFUL,
VLAD, THAT'S LIKE
A PINCH.

ALL RIGHT, DO YOU
SEE THAT GOLD?

DO YOU SEE IT,
DO YOU SEE IT?
YES.

HIT IT... GO, YEAH,
BRING ANOTHER.

DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH HEAT
IS STILL IN THERE?

COME ON, COME ON,
BRING IT.

ANOTHER, ANOTHER.

COME ON, BE A MAN, VLAD,
GO AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT,
ONE MORE TIME,

THAT'S NOT A FULL PAN
OF GREENS.

RIGHT IN THERE,
NICE, NICE...

WELL, KIND OF NICE,
YOU DON'T COOK A LOT,
DO YOU?

NOW THERE'S A GOOD BIT
OF HEAT IN THE PAN,

AND WE'RE JUST GONNA
TOSS THAT AROUND,

GIVE IT A LITTLE
MORE SALT.

CAN YOU MAKE
MORE GARLICKY?

YEAH, OF COURSE
WE CAN DO THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
GONNA BE UP FOR THIS
KIND OF THING, VLAD.

ALL RIGHT, SURE,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF WE'RE GONNA ADD IT
RIGHT AT THE END,

IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE
REALLY, REALLY SMALL.

WE DON'T HAVE
TIME TO MINCE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
YOU DIDN'T BRING
THIS UP.

SO DO ME A FAVOR,
JUST GIVE THAT A WHACK,
JUST SMACK IT.

THAT'S NOT BAD,
THAT'S NOT BAD.

ALL RIGHT, WE WANT IT
TO BE REALLY SMALL,

SO I'M JUST GONNA CHOP
THIS UP REALLY FAST.

OKAY, ALMOST.

OH, SHOOT!

I'M SORRY, I BARELY
NICKED MY FINGERNAIL
THERE.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL
GET THE BLOOD
OFF THAT BLADE,

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT IT,
NOT A BIG DEAL.

HMM, O POSITIVE.
IT SURE DOES SMART,
THOUGH.

OH, I SURE COULD HAVE
SWORN I GOT SOME...
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

HERE WE GO.

THE GREENS ARE
ALMOST DONE,

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA
ADD IT STRAIGHT IN.

NOW THE WHOLE POINT
IS TO GET THAT BITE,

THAT FRESH
GARLIC FLAVOR,

THAT WE'RE GONNA GET
RIGHT AT THE END.

NOW BEFORE WE SERVE IT,
WE'VE GOT TO GIVE IT
A TASTE,

SEE IF IT'S GOT
ENOUGH SALT.

HEY, THAT'S GOOD.

LET'S PLATE,
CAN YOU HAND
ME THAT BOWL?

WE'VE GOT SOME
NICE DEEP FLAVOR,

THAT MUSKY,
COOKED-GARLIC THING.

THERE WE GO,
THAT'S GONNA BE GREAT
ON PASTA,

OR YOU COULD SERVE IT AS
A SIDE DISH WITH STEAK,
WHATEVER YOU WANT.

VHY IS LITTLE PIECES
STRONGER?

WHY IS SMALLER STRONGER?

YOU KNOW, TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, VLAD,

IT ALL COMES DOWN
TO CHEMISTRY, COME ON.

I THINK I'VE GOT
SOMETHING OUT HERE
THAT WILL HELP.

YEAH, OKAY, VLAD,

GARLIC CONTAINS CELLS,
RIGHT?

AND COME OF THESE CELLS
CONTAIN A ENZYME
CALLED ALLINASE.

NOW WE'RE GONNA PRETEND,
JUST FOR A MINUTE,

THAT THIS FLAME
IS ALLINASE,

AND ITS ONLY JOB,
ITS ONLY REASON
FOR EXISTENCE,

IS TO FIND AND DIGEST
A SULFUR-RICH AMINO ACID
CALLED ALLIIN,

WHICH ARE
IN OTHER CELLS.

WE'LL SAY THAT
THIS ROAD FLARE
IS ALLIIN, OKAY?

YOU HOLD ONTO THAT,
ALL RIGHT?

NOW AS LONG AS
THERE ARE CELL WALLS

KEEPING
THESE TWO APART,

THERE'S NO DAMAGE DONE.

YOU SEE, THE ALLINASE
CAN'T GET TO THE ALLIIN.

BUT IF WE BREACH
THESE WALLS IN ANY WAY

BY EITHER SLICING,
CHOPPING, OR SMASHING
THE GARLIC CLOVES,

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

THE ALLINASE GETS
TO THE ALLIIN

AND CREATES
AN ALL-NEW SUBSTANCE
CALLED ALLICIN.

THIS IS THE STUFF
THAT ACTUALLY CREATES

THAT STRONG GARLIC
ODOR AND TASTE

THAT YOU DON'T SEEM
TO LIKE VERY MUCH.

HERE'S THE THING,
THE MORE WALLS
WE BREACH,

THE SMALLER
THE PIECES WE GET,

THE MORE ALLICIN
IS PRODUCED.

LUCKILY, THOUGH,
IT DOWNGRADES
VERY, VERY QUICKLY.

IN JUST A FEW HOURS,
THIS STUFF

IS ACTUALLY GONNA
BECOME A BUNCH
OF OTHER COMPOUNDS,

SOME OF WHICH
ARE 50 TIMES SWEETER
THAN SUGAR.

NOW PUT THAT THING OUT,
AND LET'S GO COOK.

(Vlad humming)

HMMM, VLAD HAS MADE FINISHED
VITH THE PEELING.

ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T VANT 50 CLOVES?

NO, NO, NO,
40 IS...

40 IS GOOD,
WE DON'T NEED 50.

IN FACT, THE DISH
THAT WE'RE GONNA DO
IS A TRADITIONAL ONE

CALLED CHICKEN
IN 40 CLOVES, OKAY?

SO THAT'S PERFECT.

UH, DO ME A FAVOR
AND MAKE SURE THE OVEN
IS ON 350, OKAY?

NOW THIS DISH IS USUALLY
COOKED WITH GARLIC

THAT'S STILL
IN THE PAPER,

AND WHEN IT'S DONE,
YOU JUST KIND OF SQUISH
IT OUT LIKE TOOTHPASTE,

THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD,
THIS IS GONNA BE BETTER,

BUT WE'RE NOT
QUITE THERE, YET.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA START
WITH A BROILER/FRYER
CHICKEN CUT IN PIECES,

YOU KNOW, LEGS, THIGHS,
WINGS, BREASTS --
THAT SORT OF THING.

YOU'RE GONNA SEASON 'EM
WITH SALT AND PEPPER,
BOTH SIDES,

AND THEN SEAR THEM
IN A REALLY, REALLY
HOT PAN

WITH JUST A LITTLE BIT
OF OIL...

ARE YOU READY
FOR THESE?
SURE, GO AHEAD.

WHEN YOU GOT IT
GOOD AND BROWN,
THE GARLIC GOES IN.

JUST DUMP THAT
RIGHT IN THERE,
GOOD, GREAT.

NEXT, A LITTLE SALT,
RIGHT ON TOP,

A LITTLE BLACK PEPPER.

GARLIC LOVES
BLACK PEPPER,

AND SOME FRESH THYME.

YOU DON'T WANT
TO CHOP IT UP,
JUST SPRINGS ON TOP.

THEY GOT THIS
IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
RIGHT?
YES.

THERE YOU GO,
COMPLETELY COVERED.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
OLIVE OIL,
ABOUT 1/2 CUP.

VHY SO MUCH?
BE PATIENT.

THERE WE GO.

OKAY, LID 'ER UP.

AND SLIDE THAT
BAD BOY RIGHT
INTO THE OVEN, VLAD.

THERE YOU GO,
YOU'RE THE MAN.

LOOK AT VLAD
COOKING GARLIC.

GOOD, GOOD.

NOW ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO
IS KILL 1 1/2 HOURS.

HMM, KILL?
THAT'S A FIGURE
OF SPEECH.

DRATS.

(Vlad)
VHAT'S ZHAT SWEET
AND MUSKY SMELL?

MMM, YES, NICE, HUH?
YES.

IT'S THE GARLIC,
THAT'S WHAT GARLIC
SMELLS LIKE.

CHECK THIS OUT,
THEY ARE SOFT AS BUTTER

AND TWICE AS SWEET.

OF COURSE, THE CHICKEN
IS COMPLETELY INFUSED
WITH THE GARLIC FLAVOR.

OF COURSE, THE HERBS
HELPED OUT.

HERE'S THE BEST
PART OF ALL,

SEE THAT OIL
YOU WERE ASKING ABOUT?

THAT IS NOW GARLIC OIL.

TAKE THIS.

JUST BRUSH THAT OIL
ON THIS BREAD, OKAY?

PUT IT UNDER THE BROILER
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES
UNTIL IT'S BROWN

AND FLIP IT OVER,
BRUSH IT, REPEAT,

AND YOU WILL
HAVE MADE GARLIC TOAST.

I THOUGH TOAST
VAS BAD.
NO THIS IS A DIFFERENT
KIND OF TOAST,

THIS IS GOOD TOAST.

JUST LET ME KNOW
WHEN BREAKFAST IS ON.

(snoring sound)

I AM NOT SCARED OF GARLIC
LIKE I ONCE VAS.

WHEN I RETURN HOME,
I WILL ENJOY INFLICTING

MY NEW-FOUND COURAGE
ON THE LOCAL VILLAGERS.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
THAT'S GOOD, VLAD.

NOW CHECK THIS OUT.

OKAY, GARLIC TOAST,
RIGHT?

JUST TAKE A SINGLE CLOVE
AND SPREAD IT ON.

IT WILL GO ON
JUST LIKE BUTTER.

YEAH, THAT'S
THE REAL MCCOY.

LITTLE PARSLEY AND...

HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT WE NEED,

WE NEED PARMESAN
CHEESE.

GIVE US A RECAP,
WILL YOU?
VELL, OF COURSE.

YOU MUST CHOOSE
YOUR VICTIM...
EXCUSE ME?

I MEAN GARLIC
CAREFULLY.

YOU MUST STORE IT
AS IN A CRYPT.

MEANING IN A COOL, DRY,
WELL-VENTILATED PLACE,
RIGHT?

VELL, OF COURSE.

THE SMALLER YOU
CUT THE CLOVE,

THE STRONGER
THE FLAVOR VILL BE,

BUT THE MORE
YOU COOK IT...
WITHOUT BURNING IT.

I GROW TIRED
OF YOUR INTERRUPTIONS.
HEY, OKAY, COOL OFF,
GO AHEAD.

THE LONGER YOU COOK
THE GARLIC,

BEING VERY CAREFUL
NOT TO BURN IT,

THE SWEETER AND MILDER
THE GARLIC VILL BE.

YOU KNOW, VLAD,
I THINK YOU GOT IT.

NOW ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANT
SOME GARLIC BREAD?

TRY THE CHICKEN,
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
SOME OF THE CHICKEN.

I NEVER EAT CHICKEN.
I'M GONNA DIG IN,
OKAY?

HOLY MOLY, WOULD YOU
LOOK AT THE TIME,

WE'VE BEEN COOKING
ALL NIGHT,
IT MUST BE MORNING OUT.

(Vlad screaming)

(organ music)

SILLY VLAD, EVERYBODY KNOWS
THAT GARLIC IS THE BANE

OF BLOODSUCKERS, WITCHES,

EVIL SPIRITS,
AND ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE.

OF COURSE, FOR US NICE,
LIVING PEOPLE,

GARLIC IS NOTHING
BUT GOOD EATS.

Captioned by
Scripps Networks, Inc.