Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 3, Episode 9 - Flat Is Beautiful - full transcript

(Alton Brown)
MORNING IN THE SUBURBS...

COULD ANYTHING BE
MORE PEACEFUL?

LOOK AGAIN BECAUSE BEYOND
THE CAMRYS AND CAMELLIAS,

BEHIND THE PICKET FENCES
AND VINYL SIDING,

THERE'S A DESPERATE HUNGER
GROWING

WHICH THREATENS TO TWIST
THIS SPIELBERG-IAN SPRAWL

INTO A LYNCH-IAN LABYRINTH
OF DYSPEPTIC DISILLUSION.

IF ONLY THEY KNEW.

IF ONLY THEY BELIEVED...

YOU CAN MAKE GREAT PANCAKES
FROM SCRATCH,

FRUSTRATION
AND FAILURE-FREE.



ALL YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
ARE A FEW INGREDIENTS,
A COUPLE OF BASIC TOOLS,

THE SCIENCE TO BRING THEM
TOGETHER,

AND OF COURSE,
AN APPETITE FOR GOOD EATS.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
PANCAKES, FLAPJACKS,
GRIDDLECAKES, HOTCAKES --

WHAT WILL YOU --
WERE MORE THAN A FOOD,

THEY WERE A CULINARY
RITE OF PASSAGE.

THEY WERE OFTEN THE FIRST
AND SOMETIMES THE ONLY DISH
US KIDS LEARNED HOW TO MAKE.

AND WHY NOT?

I MEAN, BESIDES BEING
DELICIOUS AND EASY,

PANCAKES ARE PART OF THE
COLLECTIVE AMERICAN SOUL.

YOU SEE, THE SLAVS BROUGHT
BLINIS TO THESE SHORES,

THE FRENCH BROUGHT CRêPES,
THE SWEDES, PANNKAKOR,

THE SCOTS, GRIDDLE OATCAKES,
THE IRISH, POTATO BOXTY,
THE CHINESE, ONION CAKES,

THE AUSTRIANS, NOCKERL,
THE ITALIANS, CASTAGNACCIO,



AND OF COURSE, THE GERMANS,
PFANNKUCHEN,

WHICH, I'M PRETTY SURE
IS WHERE FAHRVERGNUGEN
COMES FROM.

BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

AS FAR AS DOMESTIC PRODUCT
GOES,

LONG BEFORE COLUMBUS EVEN
DREAMED OF THESE SHORES,

THE NATIVE AMERICANS HAD
BEEN MAKING A KIND OF
CORNMEAL PANCAKE

CALLED NOKECHICK FOR EONS.

IN FACT,
A LOT OF ANTHROPOLOGISTS
NOW BELIEVE...

THE FORERUNNERS
OF THE MODERN PANCAKE

WERE PROBABLY
THE FIRST COOKED FOODS.

ANCIENT MAN -- MORE
LIKELY, ANCIENT WOMAN --

GATHERED WILD GRAINS,
MIXED IT WITH WATER,

AND COOKED THE RESULTING
GRUEL ON FLAT STONES
THAT WERE BUILT OVER A FIRE.

SADLY, THESE DAYS,
MOST OF US HAVE TRADED IN

OUR ANCIENT PANCAKE
KNOWLEDGE FOR INSTANT MIXES,

OR EVEN WORSE, WE'VE GIVEN
UP THE SANCTUARY OF OUR
ROBES ALTOGETHER

TO SEARCH OUT THERE
FOR WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE
GETTING IN HERE...

MEANING IN THE PRIVACY
OF YOUR OWN HOME,
NOT MY ROBE.

NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I'M AS EASILY SEDUCED

BY THE SIREN SONG
OF INSTANT GRATIFICATION
AS THE NEXT GUY,

BUT TRUST ME, MOST OF THOSE
INSTANT PANCAKE MIXES

ARE JUST GOING TO LEAD
TO HEARTACHE,

WHICH IS WHY AT LEAST
4, 5 OR 20 TIMES A YEAR,

I MAKE UP BIG BATCHES
OF MY OWN PANCAKE MIX.

OH, I'M GETTING KINDA LOW.

NOW LET'S PONDER
THE SOFTWARE HERE.

PANCAKES ARE BASICALLY
QUICK BREADS, RIGHT?

SO JUST LIKE MUFFINS,
BISCUITS, OR SODA BREAD,

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO --
DRY, AT LEAST --

FLOUR, SEASONINGS,
AND LEAVENINGS.

NOW FLOUR FIRST.

OH, NOT SO FAST,
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'VE
GOT THE RIGHT FLOUR?

AFTER ALL, SOFT,
LOW-PROTEIN FLOURS
LIKE CAKE AND PASTRY FLOUR

MAKE SUCH LIGHT AND FLUFFY
PANCAKES THAT THEY CAN'T
SUPPORT THEIR OWN WEIGHT,

MUCH LESS THE WEIGHT
OF A COUPLE MORE PANCAKES
ON TOP OF THEM.

ON THE OTHER END
OF THE SPECTRUM,

HARD OR HIGH-PROTEIN FLOUR
LIKE BREAD FLOUR PRODUCE
THESE BURLY, MANLY PANCAKES

THAT ARE SO TOUGH TO EAT
THAT THEY'RE MORE SUITED
TO OUTDOOR SPORTING EVENTS.

WITH ITS MODERATE PROTEIN
CONTENT,

ALL PURPOSE FLOUR,
JUST GOOD OL' A/P,
IS THE WAY TO GO.

THIS RECIPE IS FORMULATED
TO WORK WITH ANYTHING FROM
ONE TO SIX CUPS OF FLOUR,

AND SINCE I AM RUNNING WOEFULLY
LOW, I AM GOING TO GO WITH
THE SIX-CUP SCENARIO.

SO JUST START SCOOPING,
SIX CUPS.

OH, YEAH.

MEASURING FLOUR BY VOLUME
IS NOT MY USUAL M.O.,

BUT TRUST ME, WITH THIS KIND
OF RECIPE, IT'S GONNA MAKE
THE MATH A LOT EASIER.

BUT YOU CAN DO YOURSELF
A FAVOR.

BEFORE YOU START SCOOPING,
COVER UP YOUR CANISTER
AND GIVE IT A SHAKE.

THAT WILL AERATE THE FLOUR,
KIND OF SEPARATE THE GRAINS

SO THAT YOU'LL GET A MORE
ACCURATE SCOOP MEASURE

AND YOU ALSO WON'T BEND OFF
YOUR SPOON'S HANDLE...

UNLESS OF COURSE, IT WAS
ALREADY ARMY-SURPLUS
TO BEGIN WITH.

I THINK IT'S TIME
TO GO SHOPPING.

UNLESS YOU'VE GOT
A SPOON-BENDING ACT DOWN
AT THE LOCAL CARNIVAL,

BELIEVE ME, LIGHT-GAUGE,
FLIMSY MEASUREWARE WILL
ONLY BRING YOU PAIN.

TROUBLE IS, LIKE SO MANY
THINGS, PRICES AND PACKAGING
CAN BE DECEIVING.

SO WE'VE GOT TO GET ZEN
WITH THIS ONE.

PLEASE, LOOK ALOFT
AND LISTEN.

(metal clanging)
NO!

(metal clanging)
NO.

(metal clanging)
BETTER, BUT STILL NO.

(clanging)
AH...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS JUST LETTING
FREEDOM RING.

WELL, CUT IT OUT,
THIS IS A FAMILY PLACE.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US
THE BENCHMARKS OF FINE
MEASUREWARE.

HEAVY 18/8 OR 18/10
STAINLESS-STEEL CONSTRUCTION,

SMOOTH, RATHER THAN
ROLLED EDGES, MEANING
CAST, NOT PRESSED.

AND LONG HANDLES
CONNECTED WITH SPOT WELDS.

ALSO, SPOONS AND CUPS
SHOULD BE EASY TO REMOVE
FROM THEIR RINGS.

THANKS, HEY, WHAT DOES
THAT BUTTON DO?
DON'T TOUCH --

NOW FOR THOSE OF US
LACKING METALLURGY DEGREES,

18/8 AND 18/10 REFER TO
STAINLESS STEEL RECIPES,

AND SEEING THOSE FRACTIONS
EITHER EMBOSSED ON THE CUPS
THEMSELVES

OR ON THE PACKAGES...

MEAN THAT YOU'RE IN
POSSESSION OF GOOD STUFF.

OF COURSE, THERE IS
ONE OTHER WAY TO GO.

(rattling)
DIFFERENT SOUND, BUT,
HEY, NO SHAME IN THAT.

FIVE CUPS...

AND SIX CUPS OF FLOUR...

MEASURED BY THE SCOOP
AND SWEEP METHOD.

NEXT UP, THE CHEMICALS
THAT PUT THE "QUICK"
INTO QUICK BREAD.

1/4 TEASPOON OF BAKING SODA

AND 1/2 TEASPOON
OF BAKING POWDER

PER CUP OF FLOUR.

SINCE WE HAVE SIX CUPS HERE,
THAT MEANS 1 1/2 TEASPOONS
OF SODA,

IT'S ALSO GONNA MEAN THREE
TEASPOONS OR ONE TABLESPOON
OF BAKING POWDER.

WHY BOTH?
WELL, WE'LL GET TO THAT.

WHEN IT COMES TO SEASONING,
WE NEED 1/2 TEASPOON
OF KOSHER SALT

AND A TEASPOON OF SUGAR
PER CUP OF FLOUR.

SO THAT COMES DOWN TO
ONE TABLESPOON OF SALT,

AND TWO TABLESPOONS
OF SUGAR

ONE, TWO...
OF SUGAR.

NOW WE HAVE REACHED THE
FIRST MINEFIELD ON THE ROAD
TO PANCAKE HEAVEN.

YOU HAVE GOT TO MIX THIS
THOROUGHLY

NOW AND BEFORE EVERY TIME
YOU OPEN THIS VESSEL --
WHY?

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,
YOU'RE GONNA END UP MAKING
SOMETHING RESEMBLING...

LUMPY CRêPES, WHICH ISN'T
THE SAME THING AS A PANCAKE.

NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS USE THIS WITHIN
THREE MONTHS.

ALL THAT STANDS BETWEEN US
AND SATISFACTION NOW IS
A LITTLE LIQUID CHEMISTRY.

FOR EACH TWO CUPS
OF DRY MIX YOU USE,

YOU WILL NEED
FOUR TABLESPOONS
OF MELTED BUTTER,

TWO EGGS,
SEPARATED,

AND TWO CUPS
OF BUTTERMILK.

BUTTERMILK?
OH, NOT AGAIN!
BUTTERMILK?
NO WAY!

WHAT, WE'VE USED BUTTERMILK
LIKE, TWICE...

LET ME SEE.

OH, OKAY, FOUR EPISODES,
SO WHAT?

I MEAN, SO IS THAT
CHICKEN THERE.

I MEAN, COME ON,
YOU GUYS NEED TO GET YOUR
MIND RIGHT ON BUTTERMILK.

EVERYBODY GATHER AROUND
WHILE I PREACH SOME, OKAY?

NOW, PAY ATTENTION.

IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS,
BUTTERMILK REFERRED TO

THE WATERY, WHEY-LIKE LIQUID
LEFT OVER FROM BUTTER CHURNING.

IT REALLY WASN'T GOOD
FOR MUCH OF ANYTHING.

TODAY'S BUTTERMILK ACTUALLY
HAS MORE IN COMMON WITH
SOUR CREAM OR YOGURT

THAN ITS ANCESTOR
OVER HERE.

SEE, LOW-FAT OR SKIM MILK
IS INOCULATED WITH
A BACTERIAL CULTURE.

THESE LITTLE BEASTIES EAT
SOME OF THE LACTOSE

AND TURN IT INTO
TANGY LACTIC ACID, RIGHT?

NOW WHEN THE ACID REACHES
A PARTICULAR LEVEL,

THE MILK IS HEATED,
THE BUGS ARE THUS
DISPATCHED,

AND THAT LEAVES
BUTTERMILK.

BAKERS LOVE THIS STUFF,
NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF ITS
TRADEMARK TWANG,

BUT BECAUSE A CUP WILL
NEUTRALIZE 1/4 TEASPOON
OF BAKING SODA,

THUS PROVIDING SUFFICIENT
CO2 TO LIFT ONE CUP
OF FLOUR.

ANY QUESTIONS?

(man)
YEAH, WHO CUTS
YOUR HAIR?

BACK TO WORK.

BRINGING THESE TOGETHER
IS POTENTIALLY TROUBLING

BECAUSE DESPITE
MUTUAL ORIGINS,

BUTTER AND BUTTERMILK ARE
BASICALLY OIL AND WATER.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT ONE IS COLD AND
THE OTHER IS HOT.

PUT THEM TOGETHER,
AND YOU GET BUTTER CUBES --

GREAT IN YAK-BUTTER TEA,
MAYBE, BUT NOT PANCAKES.

THE ANSWER LIES
IN THE EGGS.

SEE, EGG WHITE
IS MOSTLY WATER,

SO IT MIXES EASILY
WITH THE BUTTERMILK.

NO BIG NEWS THERE, RIGHT.

BUT SINCE THIS EGG YOLK
CONTAINS LIPOPROTEINS,

IT HAPPILY HOOKS UP
WITH BOTH FATS AND WATER.

NOW BY MIXING THE BUTTER
AND YOLKS TOGETHER,

IT'S KIND OF LIKE HANDING
THE BUTTER A BACKSTAGE PASS
TO THE BUTTERMILK.

AS LONG AS IT'S DRESSED UP
IN THESE LIPOPROTEINS,
IT'S GONNA BLEND...

ESPECIALLY IF YOU CONVINCE
IT WITH A WHISK.

MAKE SURE THAT THESE TWO
ARE THOROUGHLY COMBINED

BEFORE YOU INTRODUCE
THE DRY GOODS.

BUT BEWARE BECAUSE ONCE
THESE TWO GET IT ON,

IRREVERSIBLE EVENTS
WILL TAKE PLACE.

SO YOU'D BETTER HAVE
WHATEVER SURFACE YOU'RE
GONNA COOK ON HOT.

SPEAKING OF SURFACES...

IT IS A UNIVERSALLY
ACCEPTED TRUTH

THAT THE FINEST PANCAKES
IN THE WORLD ARE MADE

IN SMALL, NEIGHBORHOOD
BREAKFAST JOINTS
JUST LIKE THIS.

THE QUESTION IS,
HOW DO THEY DO IT?

IS IT PERHAPS THE BATTER?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
THEY MAKE HUNDREDS A DAY,

THE BATTER'S GOT TO BE GOOD,
BUT THEN, OURS IS
PRETTY GOOD, TOO.

SO WHAT ELSE?

IS IT MAYBE THE COOK?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, HE'S
A PROFESSIONAL, RIGHT?

HE'S PAID TO MAKE
GREAT PANCAKES,

BUT WE CAN MASTER THAT, TOO.

SO IT MUST BE
SOMETHING ELSE.

PERHAPS IT'S THE GRIDDLE.

AH, YES, THAT WIDE-OPEN
PLANE OF INCH-THICK
HIGH-CARBON STEEL.

IT'S DENSE, SO IT HEATS
EVENLY, IT COOKS EVENLY.

THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM
TO FLIP THINGS AROUND.

AND HEY, IT'S AS SLICK
AS THE BACKSEAT
IN SHAFT'S EL DORADO.

SO IF WE ARE TO ATTAIN
TRUE PANCAKE HAPPINESS
LIKE THESE GUYS...

HEY, MIKE,
YOU'RE HAPPY, RIGHT?
OH, YEAH.

IF WE'RE GONNA BE HAPPY
LIKE THAT,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO LEARN HOW TO MIMIC
THAT SURFACE.

OF COURSE, IF YOU'RE LUCKY
ENOUGH TO HAVE A GRIDDLE
BUILT INTO YOUR COOKTOP,

YOU'RE ALL SET, BUT IF YOU
DON'T, DO NOT DESPAIR.

YOU'VE GOT SOME OPTIONS.

STOVETOP GRIDDLES COME IN
A RANGES OF SIZE AND STYLE

FROM EXPENSIVE SOAPSTONE
TO CAST-IRON TO ALUMINUM.

ALUMINUM IS LIGHT-WEIGHT,
ECONOMICAL,

AND WITH THE RIGHT COATING,
IT CAN BE REALLY SLICK,

ALUMINUM IS AN EXTREMELY
RESPONSIVE CONDUCTOR,

BUT IT'S NOT DENSE ENOUGH
TO HOLD HEAT WELL,

SO EVEN MINOR TEMPERATURE
CHANGES WILL BE TRANSLATED
TO THE FOOD.

THAT MEANS YOU'VE GOT TO
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE HEAT
AT ALL TIMES,

WHICH IS SOMETHING
I'M NOT TOO GOOD AT
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

OF COURSE,
AN ELECTRIC SKILLET HAS
A BUILT-IN THERMOSTAT

TO DO THE THINKING FOR YOU,

PLUS, IT'S GOT A NICE, BIG,
WIDE, NON-STICK SURFACE.

SO THIS IS A GOOD CHOICE.

OF COURSE, IF YOU'RE
A REAL PANCAKE MAKER...

AN ELECTRIC GRIDDLE IS
THE PERFECT PURCHASE.

YOU GET IT ALL,
THE BIG, WIDE-OPEN PLANE,

THE RESPONSIVENESS, AND
OF COURSE, THE BRAIN TO DO
YOUR THINKING FOR YOU.

SET SAID DEVICE
TO 350 DEGREES,

AND WHEN THIS LIGHT
GOES OFF,

THEN YOU MIX
THE DRY WITH THE WET,
NOT A MINUTE BEFORE.

IF YOU DON'T TRUST
YOUR LIGHT,

THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO
CHECK ON YOUR GRIDDLE HEAT.

ASK A FEW DROPS OF WATER
TO DANCE.

JUST PLACE THEM RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE,

AND IF THEY JUST LAY THERE,
YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO TURN
UP THE HEAT.

IF THEY JUMP RIGHT OFF
THE GRIDDLE, YOU KNOW YOU
NEED TO TURN IT DOWN.

BUT IF THEY BOIL AND SKITTLE
AROUND LIKE HOVERCRAFT,
YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

THIS IS PERFECT,
NOW WE MIX.

THE GREAT MAJORITY
OF PANCAKE FATALITIES

RESULT FROM OVER-MIXING.

OVER-MIXING CREATES GLUTEN,

AND GLUTEN GIVES A PANCAKE
A CERTAIN VULCANIZED
CHARACTER

BETTER RESERVED FOR
STEEL-BELTED RADIALS.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT
A LOT OF PANCAKE-ERS
DON'T REALIZE

THEY ARE OVER-MIXERS --
THEY JUST DON'T KNOW
THEY HAVE THE PROBLEM.

BUT ONCE YOU KNOW
YOU ARE ONE,

THERE'S AN EASY, THREE-STEP
PROGRAM FOR AVOIDING
THE PROBLEM.

NUMBER ONE IS THE WET STUFF
GOES ON TOP
OF THE DRY STUFF.

WHY GO IN THIS ORDER?
WELL, SIMPLE.

NOW THE HEAVY STUFF
IS PRETTY MUCH ON TOP
OF THE FLOUR,

AND WHEN YOU MIX,
IT IS NOT GOING TO FLY
ALL AROUND THE ROOM.

NUMBER TWO,
A DECENT WHISK.

MORE TINES MEANS LESS TIME,
AND THAT IS CRITICAL.

HOW LONG DOES IT ACTUALLY
TAKE TO DO THE MIXING?

WELL, LET'S FIND OUT.

ONE, TWO, THREE...

FOUR, FIVE, SIX...

SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE...

TEN.

JUST WALK AWAY,
JUST WALK AWAY.

I KNOW, THERE'S SOME LUMPS.

FORGET ABOUT IT,
THEY'RE GONNA COOK OUT,
I PROMISE.

LET'S LUBE...
THE GRIDDLE, THAT IS.

OH, I GOTTA QUIT
HANGING OUT WITH HEFF.

NOW, GRANTED, LUBING CAN BE
A DANGEROUS PANCAKE EVENT

BECAUSE IF YOU GET TOO MUCH
FAT ON THE GRIDDLE,

WELL, YOU'RE BASICALLY GONNA
FRY THE PANCAKES,

AND I THINK THAT'S CALLED
A DOUGHNUT WITHOUT A HOLE.

SO JUST BARELY WIPE
THE GRIDDLE WITH A STICK
OF BUTTER

AND THEN BUFF IT DOWN
WITH A BIG, THICK WAD
OF PAPER TOWELS.

BASICALLY, YOU WANT
JUST ENOUGH FAT ON THERE

TO WHERE YOU DON'T
EVEN SEE IT.

IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE FAT
ANYMORE, YOU KNOW YOU'VE
GOT JUST ENOUGH.

NOW, PORTION CONTROL
IS ONLY IMPORTANT

IF YOU WANT YOUR PANCAKES
TO BE THE SAME SIZE,
SAME TEXTURE,

AND DONE AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT'S PRETTY IMPORTANT
TO ME, SO HERE'S HOW
I GO ABOUT IT.

I'VE GOT A SPATULA
THAT'S FOUR INCHES ACROSS,

WHICH MEANS THAT MY PANCAKES
HAVE GOT TO BE FIVE, MAYBE
SIX INCHES ACROSS, TOPS,

OR THEY'RE GONNA FLOP
OFF THE EDGES WHEN
I TRY TO FLIP.

SO THAT MEANS THAT I'M GONNA
GO WITH A THREE-OUNCE LADLE.

HEY, LOOK, BUBBLES!

ISN'T SCIENCE FUN?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

I WANT TO KEEP THOSE BUBBLES
IN, AT LEAST AS MANY OF THEM
AS I CAN,

SO BE VERY GENTLE DELIVERING
THIS TO THE GRIDDLE.

DON'T SPLAT IT DOWN,
POUR IT OUT.

OF COURSE, SOME GAS IS GOING
TO GO UP IMMEDIATELY.

BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE
WE PUT DOUBLE-ACTING
BAKING POWDER IN HERE,

AND THAT'S IMPORTANT
BECAUSE WHEN THIS BATTER
GETS TO BE 120 DEGREES,

THERE'S GONNA BE ANOTHER
RELEASE OF CARBON DIOXIDE.

THIS IS A PRETTY GOOD THING,
ESPECIALLY IF,
FOR SOME REASON,

YOU'VE GOT TO ABANDON YOUR
BATTER FOR AN HOUR OR TWO.

YOU'VE GOTTA RUN OFF TO,
I DON'T KNOW, DO SOMETHING.

YOU COME BACK, YOUR BATTER
IS GONNA BE VERY THICK.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MIX IN
A LITTLE BIT OF BUTTERMILK
TO LOOSEN IT UP

AND GO AHEAD AND COOK IT.

YOU WON'T GET QUITE AS THICK
A PANCAKE AS YOU WOULD
IF YOU GO WITH IT FRESH,

BUT THAT SECOND RISE WILL
STILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

NOW ALSO IS THE TIME
TO ADD FRUIT.

NOT IN HERE, BUT ON HERE.

MY CHOICE, ALMOST ALWAYS,
IS BLUEBERRIES.

NOT JUST BECAUSE THEY
TASTE REALLY TERRIFIC,

BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE SMALL,
THEY'RE UNIFORM, THEY COOK
REALLY QUICKLY,

AND IF THEY'RE FRESH, AT
LEAST, THEY DON'T BRING TOO
MUCH LIQUID TO THE PARTY.

JUST SCATTER THEM ON,
AND WHEN YOU DO YOUR FLIP,

THEY WILL BE RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE PANCAKE.

NOW OF COURSE, WE'VE REACHED
THE FINAL PANCAKE CHALLENGE,
WHEN TO FLIP.

UNFORTUNATELY, TIME IS
IRRELEVANT, GRASSHOPPER,

YOU MUST WATCH
FOR THE SIGNS.

NOW WHEN BUBBLES START
TO SET, NOT BREAK,
BUT SET AROUND THE EDGES,

JUST SLIDE UNDER AND TAKE
A PEEK UNDER THERE.

IF YOU'VE GOT GOOD COLOR,
A NICE, BRONZY BROWN,

JUST SLIDE UNDER AND THEN
FLIP AS CLOSE TO THE SURFACE
AS YOU CAN.

THIS IS WHERE A GRIDDLE HAS
A DEFINITE EDGE OVER A PAN,

BUT IF YOU WORK FROM THE
MIDDLE OUT, YOU'LL BE OKAY.

TRY TO GET A FLAT DELIVERY.

YOU MIGHT LOSE A BUBBLE OR
TWO, BUT IN THE LONG RUN,

YOU'RE GONNA GET
A MUCH EVENER PANCAKE.

THE SECOND SIDE WILL FINISH
IN ABOUT HALF THE TIME
AS THE FIRST.

SO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'VE GOT
PLENTY OF SOFTENED BUTTER,

AND OF COURSE,
REAL MAPLE SYRUP.

TO PRODUCE MAPLE SYRUP,
ONE MUST TAKE A WALK
IN THE WOODS,

ROCK OR SUGAR MAPLES,
TO BE EXACT.

APPROACH A SPECIMEN
THAT'S AT LEAST TEN INCHES
IN DIAMETER,

AND LIBERATE ITS BOTANICAL
BOOTY WITH A 7/16-INCH
DRILL BIT

AND AN IRON SPIGOT
CALLED A SPILE.

HANG A BUCKET ON SAID SPILE
AND REPEAT SEVERAL HUNDRED
TIMES.

THE NEXT DAY BRINGS
ANOTHER WALK IN THE WOODS,

ONLY THIS TIME,
YOU'D BETTER BRING
A BUCKET, OR TWO OR THREE.

UNLIKE YOUR AVERAGE
STICKY TREE GOO,

SUGAR MAPLE SAP
IS 98 PERCENT WATER
AND 2 PERCENT SUGAR.

THE AVERAGE TAKE
IS ABOUT TEN GALLONS
PER TREE PER SEASON,

JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE
A QUART OF SYRUP.

ALTHOUGH MONSTERS
LIKE THIS 100-YEAR-OLD

LAST SEEN PUNCHING THROUGH
THAT KID'S WINDOW
IN "POLTERGEIST,"

CAN FILL FIVE BUCKETS
IN A DAY.

NOW A LARGE STAND OF TREES
CALLED A SUGAR BUSH

CAN GENERATE 1,000 GALLONS
A DAY, MOST OF WHICH
IS STILL GATHERED BY HAND.

THIS IS A WALK IN THE WOODS
THAT ISN'T A WALK
IN THE WOODS.

ONCE THE TANK IS FULL,
IT'S OFF TO THE SUGAR HOUSE
FOR A LITTLE RELAXATION.

THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT.

AFTER ALL, WHAT IS A SUGAR
HOUSE BUT A BIG PAN,
A BIG FIRE,

AND OF COURSE A ROOF WITH
A REALLY BIG HOLE IN IT.

DID I MENTION THE FIRE
LIKES TO BE FED
ON A REGULAR BASIS?

NOW THE POINT IS
TO BOIL OFF THE WATER,

THUS CONCENTRATING THE
SAP'S MEASLY SUGAR SUPPLY.

IT TAKES SOME 40 GALLONS
OF SAP TO PRODUCE JUST
ONE GALLON OF SYRUP.

DID I MENTION THE FIRE?

AHEM, OKAY.

NOW AS IT COOKS, THE SAP
IS HERDED FROM ONE END
OF THE PAN TO THE OTHER,

VIA GRAVITY
AND PARTITIONS.

VARIOUS IMPURITIES FOAM UP
ALONG THE WAY
AND MUST BE SKIMMED OFF.

LUCKY ME.

AS IT REACHES
THE PAN'S FAR END,

THE YOUNG SYRUP'S TEMPERATURE
RISES TO 7 1/2 DEGREES
ABOVE THE BOILING POINT,

THUS SIGNALING THE SUGAR
MASTER TO TEST THE WATERS.

IF THE SYRUP FALLS OFF THE
PADDLE IN APRONS
OR SHEETS, LIKE THAT...

IT'S TIME TO DRAW OFF
A PAIL AND PUT THE
HYDROMETER TO IT.

AH, 67 PERCENT SUGAR.

THIS IS NOW LEGALLY
MAPLE SYRUP.

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO
BUT FILTER, PACKAGE,

AND OF COURSE, GRADE.

WHETHER THE SYRUP RECEIVES
A GRADE OF GRADE A FANCY,
MEDIUM AMBER,

DARK AMBER OR GRADE B
GREATLY DEPENDS ON WHEN THE
SAP WAS DRAWN IN THE SEASON.

FANCY MAY BE THE FAVORITE,
BUT I PERSONALLY GO
FOR THE DARKER STUFF.

NOW THE CAKES HAVE BEEN
ON THEIR B SIDES NOW
FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES,

AND WHEN GENTLE PRESSURE
IS APPLIED WE GET A 90
PERCENT RETURN BOUNCE.

TIME TO PLATE...

WARM PLATES, THAT IS.

OH, AND IF YOU WANT TO
STOCKPILE THESE AND SERVE UP
A WHOLE MESS ALL AT ONCE...

A 200-DEGREE OVEN MAKES
A DANDY STORAGE VESSEL.

JUST STACK YOUR NEW
CREATIONS -- ONE STORY
AT A TIME, PLEASE --

ON A TOWEL-LINED SHEET PAN,

AND THEN COVER IT
WITH ANOTHER TOWEL
OR A CLEAN NAPKIN.

YOU CAN STACK
SEVERAL LAYERS,

YOU KNOW, MORE PANCAKES,
ANOTHER TOWEL, PANCAKES...

ON UP TO THE TOP
IF YOU WANT TO,

BUT REMEMBER,
TIME IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE.

THESE THINGS WILL ONLY STAY
AT PEAK FOR ABOUT
20 TO 30 MINUTES.

AS FAR AS SERVINGS GO,
ONE CUP OF MIX

COMBINED WITH ITS REQUISITE
LIQUIDS WILL SERVE TWO...

OR MAYBE ONE.

SO SCOOP ACCORDINGLY.

AND DON'T AUTOMATICALLY
THROW THE LEFTOVERS
TO THE DOGS.

LET THEM -- THE PANCAKES --
COOL COMPLETELY
ON A CAKE RACK

THEN WRAP EACH ONE
IN A PAPER TOWEL,

SEAL IN A ZIP-TOP BAG
AND FREEZE FLAT
ON A CHILLED SHEET PAN.

ONCE THEY REACH DISCUS
STATUS, YOU CAN STACK 'EM
HOWEVER YOU WANT.

JUST BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE
IN YOUR TOASTER
OR TOASTER OVEN,

JUST LIKE THOSE ONES
YOU USED TO BRING HOME
FROM THE MARKET.

EXCEPT GOOD...
EATS, THAT IS.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD HAS
A LOT OF BIG TREES,

I LIKE THAT.