Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 12, Episode 8 - Flat Is Beautiful: Going Crackers - full transcript
HELLO?
(man) YES, SIR?
HELLO?
SIR, HOW DO YOU DO?
ANYBODY?
ANYBODY HERE?
(speaking indistinctly)
I KNOW
YOU'RE HERE SOMEWHERE.
I CAN HEAR YOU TALKING.
(speaking indistinctly)
HELLO?
(speaking indistinctly)
(man) WHAT DO YOU WANT?
REFILL?
A WHAT?
YEAH, COULD YOU
FILL IT UP?
CRACKERS?
YEAH, AND I'D LIKE THE ONES
WITH THE LITTLE SEEDS ON TOP.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
HOLD ON. HEY, SID!
COME CHECK THIS NUMSKULL OUT.
WHAT?
I'M WITH A CUSTOMER.
AND LOOK WHAT
HE BROUGHT US.
CRACKERS--YOU GOTTA
BE KIDDING ME.
THIS IS THE WORST
STEREOTYPING EVER.
YOU ARE ELVES.
YEAH, SO?
YOU LIVE IN A TREE.
OH, AND SO IT LOGICALLY FOLLOWS
THAT WE BAKE CRACKERS?
IS THAT IT, MONKEY BOY?
WELL, IF YOU DON'T BAKE,
WHAT DO YOU DO?
TECH SUPPORT.
TECH SUPPORT.
NOW BEAT IT.
SCRAM.
CHECK THAT TREE
OVER THERE.
IT'S A CRYIN' SHAME
SO MANY AMERICANS
DON'T KNOW WHERE
BASIC FOODS COME FROM.
TAKE CRACKERS.
FEW EDIBLES HAVE AS RICH
A HISTORY OR ARE AS EASY TO MAKE
OR ARE AS SATISFYING
TO MUNCH,
YET, THE AVERAGE JOE
WOULD NOT FOR ONE NANOSECOND
CONSIDER BUSTING OUT A BATCH
FROM SCRATCH.
TOO BAD, TOO,
'CAUSE HOMEMADE CRACKERS ARE...
¶
¶ GOOD EATS ¶
Closed Captions provided by
Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
(Alton) A FEW HUNDRED YEARS
AGO, A HARD CRACKER-LIKE BREAD
CALLED HARDTACK
WAS THE STANDARD KIBBLE
FOR SAILORS
AND FIGHTING MEN WORLDWIDE.
HARDTACK WAS BAKED TWICE
IN A PROCESS THE FRENCH
CALLED BIS-CUIT,
WHICH IS WHERE THE ENGLISH
LATER GOT THE WORD BISCUIT.
ANYWAY, THE DRYING MADE
HARDTACK IMPERVIOUS TO SPOILAGE
AND ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EAT
WITHOUT BREAKING TEETH.
THEN IN 1801, A SHIP'S COOK
NAMED JOSIAH BENT
CONCOCTED A THINNER, MORE
DELICATE VERSION OF HARDTACK
CALLED WATER CRACKER.
BEFORE LONG, BARRELFULS
OF THESE CRACKERS
WERE BEING SHIPPED TO GENERAL
STORES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
THESE BARRELS ATTRACTED RATS,
IDLE GOSSIP
AND CRACKER BARREL
PHILOSOPHERS.
NATURAL SCIENCE CONTAINS IN
ITSELF SYNTHETICAL JUDGMENTS,
A PRIORI AS PRINCIPLES.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
CAN'T.
LATER IN 1898, THE FIRST MODERN
AMERICAN FOOD COMPANY WAS BORN.
NABISCO NOT ONLY INVENTED
NATIONAL DISTRIBUTION
AND MARKETING,
THEY ACTUALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY
TO PACKAGE THEIR CRACKERS
IN FRESHNESS-FRIENDLY WAX
PAPER-LINED CARDBOARD BOXES,
WHICH KEPT IDLE GOSSIP
AND PESKY RODENTS AT BAY.
MANY OF THE CRACKING
GOOD INNOVATIONS
OF THE INDUSTRIAL BAKING AGE
ARE WITH US TO THIS DAY.
WE STILL HAVE THE WATER CRACKER
WITH ITS SIMPLE FLAVOR
AND STRAIGHTFORWARD TEXTURE.
WE HAVE THE SODA CRACKER,
OR SALTINE,
WHICH IS ACTUALLY LEAVENED
WITH YEAST.
THE SODA IS SIMPLY THERE
TO COUNTERACT THE ACIDS FORMED
DURING FERMENTATION.
THEN WE HAVE THE CREAM CRACKER,
WHICH CONTAINS A GOOD AMOUNT
OF FAT BUT NO CREAM.
THE NAME ACTUALLY COMES
FROM THE METHOD OF ASSEMBLY
FOR THE DOUGH,
THE CREAMING METHOD.
THERE ARE PUFFY OYSTER
AND COMMON CRACKERS,
HEARTY GRAHAM CRACKERS--
MORE ON THOSE LATER--
ANIMAL CRACKERS,
WHICH, SINCE THEY CONTAIN
A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF SUGAR,
ACTUALLY QUALIFY MORE
AS COOKIES.
AND, AH, HERE'S A NICE,
RUSTIC, SEEDY,
CRISP TABLE CRACKER.
MMM. (gobbles)
MMM. NO, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL MAKE MORE.
(laughs)
IN A MEDIUM BOWL, COMBINE
5 OUNCES OF WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR,
4 3/4 OUNCES
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR
AND 1/3 OF A CUP EACH
OF SESAME AND POPPY SEEDS.
NOW NOT ONLY WILL THESE SEEDS
ADD SUBTLE NUTTY FLAVORS,
THEY'LL BRING A FAIR AMOUNT
OF NUTRITION TO THE PARTY.
SESAME SEEDS, FOR INSTANCE,
ARE A GREAT SOURCE
OF MANGANESE, COPPER, CALCIUM,
MAGNESIUM, IRON, PHOSPHORUS,
VITAMIN B1, ZINC
AND DIETARY FIBER.
POPPIES TASTE GREAT,
AND THEY HAVE CALCIUM IN THEM,
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
BECAUSE DESPITE
WHAT YOU'VE READ ONLINE,
THEY WILL NOT CAUSE YOU TO FAIL
A WORKPLACE DRUG TEST.
TRUST ME. IN THEY GO.
ALL RIGHT, NEXT 1 1/2 TEASPOONS
OF PLAIN OLD TABLE SALT
AND 1 1/2 TEASPOONS
OF ALUMINUM-FREE BAKING POWDER.
LET'S LOOK INTO THAT ONE.
BASIC OR SINGLE-ACTION
BAKING POWDERS
ARE SIMPLY A MIXTURE
OF 1 PART BAKING SODA
AND 2 PARTS CREAM OF TARTAR,
AN ACIDIC CRYSTAL HARVESTED
FROM INSIDE RED WINE BARRELS.
NOW WHEN IT COMES INTO CONTACT
WITH WATER
THE DISSOLVED ACID BASE REACT
RELEASING CARBON DIOXIDE,
THUS LEAVENING.
NOW BY ADDING ALUMINUM,
SODIUM ALUMINUM SULFATE
TO BE EXACT,
THE REACTION IS SLOWED
SO THAT MUCH OF THE GAS
IS RELEASED
ONLY WHEN THE DOUGH GETS GOOD
AND HOT.
THE PROBLEM IS ALUMINUM
IS BITTER.
NOW THIS DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
WHEN STRONG FLAVORS LIKE,
SAY, CHOCOLATE ARE THE CENTER
OF THE PARTY,
BUT IN THE SUBTLE FLAVOR
LANDSCAPE OF THE CRACKER,
ALUMINUM STANDS OUT
IN A BIG WAY.
UP, BLOCK.
NOW ALTHOUGH THEY DON'T PUMP OUT
AS MUCH CO2,
BAKING POWDERS UTILIZING
NEUTRALLY FLAVORED
CALCIUM ACID PHOSPHATE
ARE THE WAY TO GO IN THIS CASE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
GET THE BOX
AND READ THE INGREDIENTS.
OKAY, SO THE BAKING POWDER
GOES IN,
AND JUST STIR TO COMBINE
WITH CLEAN FINGERS.
THEY'RE THE BEST TOOLS
YOU'VE GOT.
THEN ADD 3 TABLESPOONS
OF OLIVE OIL AND STIR IN.
NOW THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT
WE BASICALLY WANT TO COAT
SOME OF THE FLOUR PARTICLES
SO THAT WHEN WE ADD
THE WATER AND STIR,
WE WON'T CREATE TOO MUCH GLUTEN.
THAT WILL TOUGHEN UP
THE CRACKER.
WE WANT IT TO BE CRISP, YES,
BUT WE DON'T WANT ROCK-HARD.
SO THIS IS GONNA HELP LUBRICATE
THE SITUATION.
NOW 6 1/2 OUNCES OF WATER
AND STIR TO COMBINE.
IT'S JUST ENOUGH
TO COME TOGETHER
INTO AN ACTUAL DOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL MOVE THIS STUFF
OUT OF THE WAY,
GET SOME FLOUR,
AND WE'LL GET THIS TURNED OUT.
THERE.
WE'LL JUST TURN OUT THE DOUGH
AND KNEAD A FEW TIMES.
NOW WE'RE NOT TRYING TO CREATE,
YOU KNOW, A PIZZA DOUGH HERE.
JUST KNEAD IT LONG ENOUGH
TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL
OF THE INGREDIENTS
ARE THOROUGHLY COMBINED.
THERE, THAT LOOKS GOOD
AND KIND OF HOMOGENIZED.
SO NOW JUST GRAB
YOUR DOUGH BLADE
AND SECTION THIS UP
INTO EIGHT EQUAL PIECES.
THERE, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
AND COVER WITH A TEA TOWEL
FOR, OH, WE'LL SAY
15 TO 20 MINUTES.
THAT WILL ALLOW TIME FOR
THE DOUGH TO FULLY HYDRATE.
¶
ALL RIGHT,
OUR CRACKER QUEST CONTINUES
BY CRANKING THE HOT BOX
TO 450 DEGREES.
NOW TIME TO ROLL.
OF COURSE, I'M PERFECTLY AWARE
THAT THIS DOESN'T LOOK
MUCH LIKE A CRACKER.
WE REALLY DO NEED
TO ROLL THIS OUT.
NOW YOU COULD DO THIS
THE OLD-SCHOOL WAY
WITH A ROLLING PIN,
BUT WITH ALL THESE SEEDS,
IT'S A LOT OF WORK,
WHICH IS WHY I LIKE
TO USE MY STAND MIXER.
HOW DOES A STAND MIXER
ROLL OUT DOUGH?
WELL, IT'S EASY
IF YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THESE.
THIS IS JUST
A PASTA ROLLER ATTACHMENT
AVAILABLE FROM MOST
STAND MIXERS THESE DAYS.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE,
YOU CAN JUST USE
A MANUAL PASTA ROLLER.
THAT'LL BE FINE.
SO WE'VE GOT THIS ALL GEARED UP,
AND I'VE GOT IT SET
TO ITS WIDEST SETTING.
WE'LL TURN IT ON THE LOW SPEED,
JUST FLATTEN THIS DISC
OUT A BIT
AND RUN IT THROUGH
NICE AND SLOW.
I'LL TIGHTEN DOWN ONE SETTING.
GO AGAIN.
AND TIGHTEN DOWN ANOTHER.
REMEMBER, OUR GOAL
IS ABOUT AN 1/8 OF AN INCH.
AND I'M GONNA GO ONE MORE.
AND RIGHT ONTO
A WAITING SHEET PAN.
THERE WE GO.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE ENDS.
WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA TRIM
THOSE OFF ANYWAY.
SO REPEAT WITH
YOUR SECOND PIECE OF DOUGH.
AND NOTICE, I'VE GOT SOME
PARCHMENT PAPER DOWN THERE.
NOW FOR THE TRIMMING,
WE WILL REACH FOR
OUR FAVORITE MULTITASKER,
OR ONE OF THEM AT LEAST,
THE PIZZA ROLLER,
WHICH MAKES QUICK WORK OF THIS.
YOU CAN DIVIDE THE CRACKERS UP
HOWEVER YOU LIKE.
I USUALLY TRY TO GO
WITH SOMETHING
THAT'S KIND OF 2x2 INCHES,
APPROXIMATELY.
ALL RIGHT, BAKE YOUR CRACKERS
FOR 8 TO 12 MINUTES
OR UNTIL THEY'RE BROWN.
NOW THE TIME IS ULTIMATELY
GOING TO BE DETERMINED
BY THE THICKNESS
OF YOUR CRACKERS.
THESE ARE GONNA BE CLOSER
TO THE 8-MINUTE STAGE,
UNLESS I STAND AROUND
WITH THE DOOR OPEN ALL DAY.
AH, THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR.
NOW I'LL REMOVE THESE TO A RACK
AND COOL THOROUGHLY.
HA HA HA HA.
AHH.
ONCE THE STARCH IS FULLY SET,
YOU ARE FREE TO CONSUME.
NOW IF YOU DECIDE TO BAKE
SOME OF YOUR CRACKERS IN SHEETS,
RATHER THAN SCORING THEM
OR CUTTING THEM UP,
YOU CAN CERTAINLY BREAK THEM
INTO PIECES AT THIS TIME.
NOW AS FAR AS STORAGE GOES,
YOUR BEST BET
IS A BIG ZIP-TOP BAG
WITH AS MUCH OF THE AIR
SUCKED OUT AS POSSIBLE.
THIS WILL KEEP 'EM FRESH
FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS.
OF COURSE, IF THEY GET
A LITTLE BIT STALE,
YOU CAN ALWAYS DRY THEM OUT
IN A NICE WARM OVEN.
(crunching)
THAT'S A GOOD CRACKER.
¶
NO SHOW ON CRACKERS
COULD BE COMPLETE
WITHOUT THAT MANNA
OF THE KINDERGARTEN CROWD,
THE GRAHAM CRACKER.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
IT WAS ACTUALLY NAMED AFTER
A FORMER PRESBYTERIAN PREACHER
TURNED VICTORIAN
TEMPERANCE LECTURER
AND SELF-PROCLAIMED
DIETETIC EXPERT--
SYLVESTER W. GRAHAM!
(applause)
THANK YOU FOR COMING, SIR.
MM-HMM.
NOW REVEREND GRAHAM, UM, YOU
WERE ADVOCATING A HEALTHY DIET
BASED ON WHOLE GRAINS,
FRUITS AND VEGETABLES
BACK IN THE EARLY 1800s
LONG BEFORE THE NUTRITIONAL
VALUE OF SUCH DIETS
WERE UNDERSTOOD, RIGHT?
WELL, MR. BROWN,
I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THAT MY BREAD AND CRACKER
RECIPES HAVE BEEN INSTRUMENTAL
IN OVERTHROWING THE DIETARY
HABITS WHICH LEAD TO LUST.
UH, I-I'M SORRY?
LUST!
AN UNWHOLESOME DIET
IRRITATES THE BODY,
AND THE RESULT
OF THAT IRRITATION
IS, WELL, YOU KNOW.
UM, NO.
I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
OF COURSE, I AM DISAPPOINTED
THAT MORE PEOPLE
HAVE NOT FOLLOWED
MY ADVOCACY
FOR REDUCED
GUSTATORY STIMULATION.
I UNDERSTAND THAT ONE CAN TURN
ON THIS TALKING PICTURE BOX
YOU ALL SEEM
SO ENAMORED WITH
AND WATCH PEOPLE PREPARE
DECADENT, SUCCULENT,
OVER-STIMULATING CUISINE
ANY TIME OF THE DAY.
WELL, I-I WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT.
AND YOU SEEM DETERMINED
ON DESTROYING YOURSELVES
WITH CONDIMENTS, AS WELL.
OH, I COULDN'T AGREE
WITH YOU MORE.
KETCHUP, FOR INSTANCE--
AND THE MUSTARD
AND THE SPICES.
THEY CAUSE INSANITY,
YOU KNOW.
UM, UM, MR. GRAHAM,
MAYBE--MAYBE YOU COULD ENLIGHTEN
US ABOUT YOUR CRACKER...
OH.
YOUR CRACKERS.
VERY WELL.
I INVENTED MY CRACKER
IN NEW JERSEY IN 1822,
AN EXCELLENT
AND VERSATILE SNACK
AND AN IMPORTANT PART
OF THE GRAHAM DIET,
A CRITICAL TOOL
IN THE CONSTANT BATTLE
AGAINST
THE ACHING SENSIBILITIES.
THE ACHING SENSE--
OH. UM, YES.
WELL, ACTUALLY
I WAS THINKING
THAT I MIGHT TRY TO MAKE
A BATCH MYSELF.
OH!
WELL, THEN YOU'LL BE NEEDING
THIS GRAHAM FLOUR.
OH.
A SPECIAL FORMULA
BASED UPON
THE USE OF UNSIFTED
COARSE GROUND WHEAT.
NOW I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE.
I AM CONDUCTING A SYMPOSIUM
ON VEGETARIANISM
AND CORSETS
AT THE TEMPERANCE SOCIETY.
WELL--WELL, THEN THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE FUN-LOVING SYLVESTER GRAHAM.
(applause)
EAT MORE BLAND FOOD!
YEAH.
YEAH, WE'LL DO THAT.
¶
¶
IF YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT'S
SO SPECIAL ABOUT GRAHAM FLOUR,
JUST BREAK OUT YOUR KITCHEN
MICROSCOPE AND TAKE A LOOK.
I MEAN, THIS IS NOT JUST
A WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, OKAY?
THE ENDOSPERM
IS GROUND VERY FINE.
IT'S WHITE FLOUR.
AND THEN THE BRAN AND GERM
ARE COARSELY GROUND
AND BLENDED BACK INTO THAT.
SO THEORETICALLY, YOU COULD
WHIP UP YOUR OWN GRAHAM FLOUR
BY SIFTING TOGETHER,
I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S 2/3 OF A CUP
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR,
SAY, A 1/3 OF A CUP
OF COARSELY GROUND BRAN
AND, I DON'T KNOW,
1 1/2 TEASPOONS OF WHEAT GERM,
BUT DON'T BOTHER.
GRAHAM FLOUR
IS RELATIVELY EASY TO FIND,
CERTAINLY AT HEALTH FOOD STORES
AND IN A LOT OF MEGA MARTS, TOO.
NOW OLD MAN GRAHAM'S CRACKERS
CONTAINED NOTHING BUT THIS FLOUR
AND WATER.
AND I'VE TASTED THOSE CRACKERS,
AND NOT ONLY WOULD THEY RID YOU
OF ANY CARNAL IMPURITIES,
THEY'LL MAKE YOU LOSE
YOUR WILL TO LIVE.
SO I'VE TAKEN A FEW LIBERTIES
WITH THE RECIPE.
LET'S GET CRACKING.
THE DRY TEAM STARS
1/8 OF A TEASPOON OF CINNAMON--
WHICH I GROUND MYSELF,
I'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW--
1/2 TEASPOON OF BAKING SODA,
1/2 TEASPOON OF KOSHER SALT,
3/4 OF A TEASPOON
OF BAKING POWDER,
AND, YES, THIS IS
THE ALUMINUM-FREE AGAIN.
THEN WE HAVE 1 7/8 OUNCES
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR, BY WEIGHT,
3 OUNCES OF DARK BROWN SUGAR,
BY WEIGHT
AND 8 3/8 OUNCES OF GRAHAM FLOUR
BY WEIGHT.
IT SURE WOULD BE EASIER IF YOU
WERE USING METRIC AROUND HERE.
ANYWAY, BUZZ THAT UP TO COMBINE,
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA INTRODUCE
3 OUNCES OF BUTTER
TO THE PARTY.
CUTTING THE BUTTER
INTO 1/4-INCH CUBES
AND CHILLING IT WILL HELP
WITH THE PROPER INTEGRATION.
YOU SEE, LIKE A PIE DOUGH,
WE WANT TO KEEP THE FAT SOLID,
OKAY, INSIDE THE DOUGH.
SO PULSE UNTIL THE MIXTURE
JUST RESEMBLES COARSE MEAL.
THERE. NOW TIME TO BRING
THE WET TEAM TO THE PARTY
BEGINNING WITH 2 1/4 OUNCES
OF MOLASSES
BY WEIGHT--
NOT VOLUME METRIC THERE--
AND THEN 1 1/2 OUNCES
OF WHOLE MILK,
WEIGHT OR VOLUME
WOULD BE THE SAME ON THAT,
AND, FINALLY, 1/2 TEASPOON
OF VANILLA EXTRACT,
AND I USE THE GOOD STUFF
FOR THIS.
THERE. CLAMP ON THE LID
AND PULSE
UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
A NICE SMOOTH DOUGH.
YOU KNOW, I BET OLD MAN GRAHAM
WOULD FAINT
IF HE SAW SO MUCH FLAVOR
GOING INTO HIS CRACKERS.
THERE.
AND WHEN IT'S DONE,
IT SHOULD KIND OF FORM
A NICE, SMOOTH,
SLIGHTLY STICKY BALL,
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.
JUST KIND OF SCOOP IT OUT.
THERE. THAT LOOKS PERFECT.
PRESS THE BALL INTO
A 1/2-INCH-THICK DISC,
WRAP IN PLASTIC WRAP
AND REFRIGERATE FOR 30 MINUTES.
¶
ROLLING OUT THIS DOUGH IS
GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME,
BUT WE REALLY NEED TO GET IT
DOWN TO AN EVEN THICKNESS
OF 1/8 INCH FOR PROPER BAKING.
NOW WHEN IT COMES DOWN
TO CUTTING SHAPES,
YOU COULD GO WITH RANDOM
AVANT-GARDE GEOMETRY
SIMPLY BY APPLYING
A SHARP PIZZA CUTTER.
BUT IF YOU WANT REAL PRECISION,
FACTORY-LOOKING
INDUSTRIAL CRACKERS,
YOU SHOULD PICK UP
ONE OF THESE LITTLE GUYS,
AN ACCORDION CUTTER,
WHICH, WHEN SET FOR 2 INCHES,
WILL DO THIS.
NOW TO MAKE SURE THAT THESE
DON'T PUFF UP IN THE OVEN
DUE TO
WATER-TO-STEAM CONVERSION,
WE ARE GOING
TO DOT THE CRACKERS,
THAT IS, WE ARE GONNA, WELL,
PUNCH A BUNCH OF HOLES INTO IT.
NOW ONCE UPON A TIME,
MEDIEVAL BAKERS
USED TO USE DEVICES LIKE THIS.
(laughs menacingly)
MODERN BAKERS TEND TO USE
SOMETHING A LITTLE KINDER
AND GENTLER,
BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T
A COMMON EVERYDAY ITEM,
SO WE WILL EMPLOY A FORK THUSLY.
JUST POKE EACH CRACKER,
OH, ABOUT THREE TIMES.
AND THEN TRIM UP THE EDGES
AND PEEL AWAY ANY
OF THE EXCESS DOUGH.
YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST ADD THAT
BACK TO YOUR DOUGH BALL
AND ROLL OUT MORE LATER.
THERE, ONTO THE PAN.
BAKE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF A 350-DEGREE OVEN
FOR 25 MINUTES.
I WOULD SAY THAT THEY WOULD TURN
GOLDEN BROWN AND DELICIOUS,
BUT THEY'RE ALREADY
GOLDEN BROWN.
THEY WILL, HOWEVER,
LIGHTEN SLIGHTLY WHEN FINISHED.
AHH.
WHEN YOU REMOVE THE CRACKERS
FROM THE OVEN,
ALLOW THEM TO COOL COMPLETELY
IN THE PANS.
THEN JUST BREAK THEM
ALONG THE DOTTED LINE AND ENJOY
OR STORE THEM
FOR UP TO 14 DAYS...
(women chanting)
DOWN WITH BROWN!
IN AN AIRTIGHT CONTAINER.
DOWN WITH BROWN!
WHAT? DOWN WITH BROWN?
DOWN WITH BROWN!
SIR,
WE HAVE CAUGHT WIND
OF WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
IN THIS DEN
OF CULINARY SIN--
I--OH, MY.
(continue chanting)
DOWN WITH BROWN!
SPIT IT OUT, MILLICENT.
LADIES, DO NOT SWALLOW
THOSE CRACKERS,
WHATEVER YOU DO!
BUT HOW CAN SOMETHING SO GOOD
BE BAD?
OH, BUT IT IS, MILLICENT.
IT IS.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK?
I THINK HE'S JUST SAYING THAT
TO KEEP US GIRLS IN OUR PLACE.
YEAH!
GET HIM, GIRLS!
YEAH!
GET HIM, GIRLS!
YEAH!
YEAH!
GET HIM.
THOSE THINGS NEED TO GO OFF
HIS FACE ANYWAY.
OH, HI.
MAY I?
YEAH, SURE, GO AHEAD.
HEY--
SHE TOOK ALL MY CRACKERS.
OH.
¶
¶
ALTHOUGH AMERICANS
CAN CERTAINLY TAKE PRIDE
IN THEIR CRACKER HERITAGE,
WE ARE NOT THE ONLY
CRACKER-HAPPY REGION
IN THE WORLD.
ONE OF THE OLDEST CRACKERS,
LAHVOSH,
IS A TRADITIONAL
MIDDLE EASTERN FLATBREAD,
WHICH WAS ORIGINALLY MADE
WITH JUST FLOUR, WATER AND SALT
AND BAKED IN A CLAY
OR BRICK OVEN.
DON'T HAVE A CLAY OR BRICK OVEN?
NO PROBLEM.
WE'LL ADAPT.
THE DRY TEAM--1 TEASPOON
OF REGULAR TABLE SALT
AND 1/2 A TEASPOON OF SUGAR
GO INTO 14 1/2 OUNCES
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR.
THAT'S BY WEIGHT,
ALTHOUGH, IT'D BE 2 1/2 CUPS,
GIVE OR TAKE,
IF YOU WERE USING
THE VOLUME METRIC SYSTEM.
NOW ONE EGG GOES
INTO A SEPARATE BOWL
ALONG WITH 2 TABLESPOONS
OF BUTTER
THAT'S BEEN MELTED
AND COOLED SLIGHTLY
AND 2/3 OF A CUP OF WATER.
AND WHISK TO COMBINE.
SO WE'VE GOT
OUR DRY TEAM COMBINED.
WE'VE GOT OUR WET TEAM COMBINED.
AND THE WET GOES
INTO THE DRY THUSLY.
AND JUST USE YOUR HAND,
YES, A CLEAN HAND,
TO BRING THAT TOGETHER
INTO A DOUGH.
IT ALMOST FEELS
LIKE PASTA DOUGH.
JUST WORK IT IN THE BOWL,
AND THEN WHEN YOU CAN,
TURN IT OUT.
AND IT LOOKS KIND OF RAGGED NOW,
BUT KEEP WORKING IT,
AND IT'LL SMOOTH OUT.
HEY, YOU REMEMBER GLUTEN,
THOSE PLASTIC YET ELASTIC
PROTEIN FIBERS
THAT MAGICALLY APPEAR
WHENEVER WHEAT FLOUR
IS AGITATED WITH WATER?
WELL, WE NEED TO CREATE
SOME OF THOSE NOW
SO THAT THIS DOUGH
WILL BE STRETCHABLE.
BUT WE DON'T WANT THE CRACKERS
TO BE TOUGH,
SO WE DON'T WANT TO OVERDO IT--
AS LITTLE KNEADING AS POSSIBLE.
SO GRAB YOUR TRUSTY DOUGH BLADE
AND BREAK THAT
INTO THIRDS ROUGHLY.
DON'T HAVE TO WEIGH IT.
COVER WITH A TEA TOWEL
AND WAIT 30 MINUTES.
THAT'LL ALLOW TIME FOR THE DOUGH
TO FULLY HYDRATE.
SO SET TWO ASIDE,
AND WE'LL WORK ONE AT A TIME.
PUT DOWN THE TEA TOWEL AND THEN
TURN A SHEET PAN UPSIDE DOWN
AND LIBERALLY BUTTER IT
FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER.
PUT THE DOUGH
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE,
KIND OF GIVE IT A LITTLE SQUISH
AND THEN START ROLLING.
NOW ONCE YOU'VE ROLLED THE DOUGH
UNTIL YOU'VE COVERED ABOUT,
AH, 2/3 OF THE PAN,
IT'S TIME TO PUT DOWN
THE ROLLING PIN
AND START STRETCHING.
JUST KIND OF PUT YOUR HAND
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, ONE HAND,
GRAB THE EDGE WITH THE OTHER
AND GENTLY PULL OUT.
NOW IF YOU CAN WORK YOUR WAY
AROUND AND CREATE
KIND OF A LITTLE LIP THAT GOES
OVER THE SIDE OF THE PAN,
THEN THE PAN
WILL HOLD IT IN PLACE.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS
ON AN UPSIDE-DOWN PAN
TO BEGIN WITH.
AHH. PLACE IN THE MIDDLE RACK
OF A 375-DEGREE OVEN
FOR 10 TO 15 MINUTES
OR UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN
AND, WELL, YOU KNOW.
IF YOU WANT
TO DO MULTIPLE RACKS,
YOU COULD DO UP TO THREE HERE,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO ROTATE THEM AROUND
ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH COOKING.
REMOVE TO A COOLING RACK
AND CONTINUE WITH
THE REMAINING DOUGH,
BEING SURE, OF COURSE,
THAT THE PAN HAS COOLED DOWN
BEFORE YOU MAKE
THAT NEXT ADDITION.
THEN JUST BREAK THEM UP
INTO SHAPES AND CONSUME.
THEY'RE JAGGED. THEY'RE CRUNCHY.
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
THEY'RE MUNCHY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
FELLAS?
NOT BAD.
I FIGURE WITH MY BAKING PROGRAM
AND YOUR CALL CENTER...
AND NEW SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MOVE,
I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE 200 UNITS A WEEK.
THEY'LL SELL LIKE HOTCAKES.
200? THAT'S NOT EVEN ENOUGH
TO FIRE UP THE JET.
HEY, BUT WAIT A MINUTE,
I KNOW THAT WE COULD--
SEE YOU NEXT TIME
ON "GOOD EATS."
(man) YES, SIR?
HELLO?
SIR, HOW DO YOU DO?
ANYBODY?
ANYBODY HERE?
(speaking indistinctly)
I KNOW
YOU'RE HERE SOMEWHERE.
I CAN HEAR YOU TALKING.
(speaking indistinctly)
HELLO?
(speaking indistinctly)
(man) WHAT DO YOU WANT?
REFILL?
A WHAT?
YEAH, COULD YOU
FILL IT UP?
CRACKERS?
YEAH, AND I'D LIKE THE ONES
WITH THE LITTLE SEEDS ON TOP.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
HOLD ON. HEY, SID!
COME CHECK THIS NUMSKULL OUT.
WHAT?
I'M WITH A CUSTOMER.
AND LOOK WHAT
HE BROUGHT US.
CRACKERS--YOU GOTTA
BE KIDDING ME.
THIS IS THE WORST
STEREOTYPING EVER.
YOU ARE ELVES.
YEAH, SO?
YOU LIVE IN A TREE.
OH, AND SO IT LOGICALLY FOLLOWS
THAT WE BAKE CRACKERS?
IS THAT IT, MONKEY BOY?
WELL, IF YOU DON'T BAKE,
WHAT DO YOU DO?
TECH SUPPORT.
TECH SUPPORT.
NOW BEAT IT.
SCRAM.
CHECK THAT TREE
OVER THERE.
IT'S A CRYIN' SHAME
SO MANY AMERICANS
DON'T KNOW WHERE
BASIC FOODS COME FROM.
TAKE CRACKERS.
FEW EDIBLES HAVE AS RICH
A HISTORY OR ARE AS EASY TO MAKE
OR ARE AS SATISFYING
TO MUNCH,
YET, THE AVERAGE JOE
WOULD NOT FOR ONE NANOSECOND
CONSIDER BUSTING OUT A BATCH
FROM SCRATCH.
TOO BAD, TOO,
'CAUSE HOMEMADE CRACKERS ARE...
¶
¶ GOOD EATS ¶
Closed Captions provided by
Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
(Alton) A FEW HUNDRED YEARS
AGO, A HARD CRACKER-LIKE BREAD
CALLED HARDTACK
WAS THE STANDARD KIBBLE
FOR SAILORS
AND FIGHTING MEN WORLDWIDE.
HARDTACK WAS BAKED TWICE
IN A PROCESS THE FRENCH
CALLED BIS-CUIT,
WHICH IS WHERE THE ENGLISH
LATER GOT THE WORD BISCUIT.
ANYWAY, THE DRYING MADE
HARDTACK IMPERVIOUS TO SPOILAGE
AND ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EAT
WITHOUT BREAKING TEETH.
THEN IN 1801, A SHIP'S COOK
NAMED JOSIAH BENT
CONCOCTED A THINNER, MORE
DELICATE VERSION OF HARDTACK
CALLED WATER CRACKER.
BEFORE LONG, BARRELFULS
OF THESE CRACKERS
WERE BEING SHIPPED TO GENERAL
STORES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
THESE BARRELS ATTRACTED RATS,
IDLE GOSSIP
AND CRACKER BARREL
PHILOSOPHERS.
NATURAL SCIENCE CONTAINS IN
ITSELF SYNTHETICAL JUDGMENTS,
A PRIORI AS PRINCIPLES.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
CAN'T.
LATER IN 1898, THE FIRST MODERN
AMERICAN FOOD COMPANY WAS BORN.
NABISCO NOT ONLY INVENTED
NATIONAL DISTRIBUTION
AND MARKETING,
THEY ACTUALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY
TO PACKAGE THEIR CRACKERS
IN FRESHNESS-FRIENDLY WAX
PAPER-LINED CARDBOARD BOXES,
WHICH KEPT IDLE GOSSIP
AND PESKY RODENTS AT BAY.
MANY OF THE CRACKING
GOOD INNOVATIONS
OF THE INDUSTRIAL BAKING AGE
ARE WITH US TO THIS DAY.
WE STILL HAVE THE WATER CRACKER
WITH ITS SIMPLE FLAVOR
AND STRAIGHTFORWARD TEXTURE.
WE HAVE THE SODA CRACKER,
OR SALTINE,
WHICH IS ACTUALLY LEAVENED
WITH YEAST.
THE SODA IS SIMPLY THERE
TO COUNTERACT THE ACIDS FORMED
DURING FERMENTATION.
THEN WE HAVE THE CREAM CRACKER,
WHICH CONTAINS A GOOD AMOUNT
OF FAT BUT NO CREAM.
THE NAME ACTUALLY COMES
FROM THE METHOD OF ASSEMBLY
FOR THE DOUGH,
THE CREAMING METHOD.
THERE ARE PUFFY OYSTER
AND COMMON CRACKERS,
HEARTY GRAHAM CRACKERS--
MORE ON THOSE LATER--
ANIMAL CRACKERS,
WHICH, SINCE THEY CONTAIN
A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF SUGAR,
ACTUALLY QUALIFY MORE
AS COOKIES.
AND, AH, HERE'S A NICE,
RUSTIC, SEEDY,
CRISP TABLE CRACKER.
MMM. (gobbles)
MMM. NO, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL MAKE MORE.
(laughs)
IN A MEDIUM BOWL, COMBINE
5 OUNCES OF WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR,
4 3/4 OUNCES
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR
AND 1/3 OF A CUP EACH
OF SESAME AND POPPY SEEDS.
NOW NOT ONLY WILL THESE SEEDS
ADD SUBTLE NUTTY FLAVORS,
THEY'LL BRING A FAIR AMOUNT
OF NUTRITION TO THE PARTY.
SESAME SEEDS, FOR INSTANCE,
ARE A GREAT SOURCE
OF MANGANESE, COPPER, CALCIUM,
MAGNESIUM, IRON, PHOSPHORUS,
VITAMIN B1, ZINC
AND DIETARY FIBER.
POPPIES TASTE GREAT,
AND THEY HAVE CALCIUM IN THEM,
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
BECAUSE DESPITE
WHAT YOU'VE READ ONLINE,
THEY WILL NOT CAUSE YOU TO FAIL
A WORKPLACE DRUG TEST.
TRUST ME. IN THEY GO.
ALL RIGHT, NEXT 1 1/2 TEASPOONS
OF PLAIN OLD TABLE SALT
AND 1 1/2 TEASPOONS
OF ALUMINUM-FREE BAKING POWDER.
LET'S LOOK INTO THAT ONE.
BASIC OR SINGLE-ACTION
BAKING POWDERS
ARE SIMPLY A MIXTURE
OF 1 PART BAKING SODA
AND 2 PARTS CREAM OF TARTAR,
AN ACIDIC CRYSTAL HARVESTED
FROM INSIDE RED WINE BARRELS.
NOW WHEN IT COMES INTO CONTACT
WITH WATER
THE DISSOLVED ACID BASE REACT
RELEASING CARBON DIOXIDE,
THUS LEAVENING.
NOW BY ADDING ALUMINUM,
SODIUM ALUMINUM SULFATE
TO BE EXACT,
THE REACTION IS SLOWED
SO THAT MUCH OF THE GAS
IS RELEASED
ONLY WHEN THE DOUGH GETS GOOD
AND HOT.
THE PROBLEM IS ALUMINUM
IS BITTER.
NOW THIS DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
WHEN STRONG FLAVORS LIKE,
SAY, CHOCOLATE ARE THE CENTER
OF THE PARTY,
BUT IN THE SUBTLE FLAVOR
LANDSCAPE OF THE CRACKER,
ALUMINUM STANDS OUT
IN A BIG WAY.
UP, BLOCK.
NOW ALTHOUGH THEY DON'T PUMP OUT
AS MUCH CO2,
BAKING POWDERS UTILIZING
NEUTRALLY FLAVORED
CALCIUM ACID PHOSPHATE
ARE THE WAY TO GO IN THIS CASE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
GET THE BOX
AND READ THE INGREDIENTS.
OKAY, SO THE BAKING POWDER
GOES IN,
AND JUST STIR TO COMBINE
WITH CLEAN FINGERS.
THEY'RE THE BEST TOOLS
YOU'VE GOT.
THEN ADD 3 TABLESPOONS
OF OLIVE OIL AND STIR IN.
NOW THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT
WE BASICALLY WANT TO COAT
SOME OF THE FLOUR PARTICLES
SO THAT WHEN WE ADD
THE WATER AND STIR,
WE WON'T CREATE TOO MUCH GLUTEN.
THAT WILL TOUGHEN UP
THE CRACKER.
WE WANT IT TO BE CRISP, YES,
BUT WE DON'T WANT ROCK-HARD.
SO THIS IS GONNA HELP LUBRICATE
THE SITUATION.
NOW 6 1/2 OUNCES OF WATER
AND STIR TO COMBINE.
IT'S JUST ENOUGH
TO COME TOGETHER
INTO AN ACTUAL DOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL MOVE THIS STUFF
OUT OF THE WAY,
GET SOME FLOUR,
AND WE'LL GET THIS TURNED OUT.
THERE.
WE'LL JUST TURN OUT THE DOUGH
AND KNEAD A FEW TIMES.
NOW WE'RE NOT TRYING TO CREATE,
YOU KNOW, A PIZZA DOUGH HERE.
JUST KNEAD IT LONG ENOUGH
TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL
OF THE INGREDIENTS
ARE THOROUGHLY COMBINED.
THERE, THAT LOOKS GOOD
AND KIND OF HOMOGENIZED.
SO NOW JUST GRAB
YOUR DOUGH BLADE
AND SECTION THIS UP
INTO EIGHT EQUAL PIECES.
THERE, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
AND COVER WITH A TEA TOWEL
FOR, OH, WE'LL SAY
15 TO 20 MINUTES.
THAT WILL ALLOW TIME FOR
THE DOUGH TO FULLY HYDRATE.
¶
ALL RIGHT,
OUR CRACKER QUEST CONTINUES
BY CRANKING THE HOT BOX
TO 450 DEGREES.
NOW TIME TO ROLL.
OF COURSE, I'M PERFECTLY AWARE
THAT THIS DOESN'T LOOK
MUCH LIKE A CRACKER.
WE REALLY DO NEED
TO ROLL THIS OUT.
NOW YOU COULD DO THIS
THE OLD-SCHOOL WAY
WITH A ROLLING PIN,
BUT WITH ALL THESE SEEDS,
IT'S A LOT OF WORK,
WHICH IS WHY I LIKE
TO USE MY STAND MIXER.
HOW DOES A STAND MIXER
ROLL OUT DOUGH?
WELL, IT'S EASY
IF YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THESE.
THIS IS JUST
A PASTA ROLLER ATTACHMENT
AVAILABLE FROM MOST
STAND MIXERS THESE DAYS.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE,
YOU CAN JUST USE
A MANUAL PASTA ROLLER.
THAT'LL BE FINE.
SO WE'VE GOT THIS ALL GEARED UP,
AND I'VE GOT IT SET
TO ITS WIDEST SETTING.
WE'LL TURN IT ON THE LOW SPEED,
JUST FLATTEN THIS DISC
OUT A BIT
AND RUN IT THROUGH
NICE AND SLOW.
I'LL TIGHTEN DOWN ONE SETTING.
GO AGAIN.
AND TIGHTEN DOWN ANOTHER.
REMEMBER, OUR GOAL
IS ABOUT AN 1/8 OF AN INCH.
AND I'M GONNA GO ONE MORE.
AND RIGHT ONTO
A WAITING SHEET PAN.
THERE WE GO.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE ENDS.
WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA TRIM
THOSE OFF ANYWAY.
SO REPEAT WITH
YOUR SECOND PIECE OF DOUGH.
AND NOTICE, I'VE GOT SOME
PARCHMENT PAPER DOWN THERE.
NOW FOR THE TRIMMING,
WE WILL REACH FOR
OUR FAVORITE MULTITASKER,
OR ONE OF THEM AT LEAST,
THE PIZZA ROLLER,
WHICH MAKES QUICK WORK OF THIS.
YOU CAN DIVIDE THE CRACKERS UP
HOWEVER YOU LIKE.
I USUALLY TRY TO GO
WITH SOMETHING
THAT'S KIND OF 2x2 INCHES,
APPROXIMATELY.
ALL RIGHT, BAKE YOUR CRACKERS
FOR 8 TO 12 MINUTES
OR UNTIL THEY'RE BROWN.
NOW THE TIME IS ULTIMATELY
GOING TO BE DETERMINED
BY THE THICKNESS
OF YOUR CRACKERS.
THESE ARE GONNA BE CLOSER
TO THE 8-MINUTE STAGE,
UNLESS I STAND AROUND
WITH THE DOOR OPEN ALL DAY.
AH, THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR.
NOW I'LL REMOVE THESE TO A RACK
AND COOL THOROUGHLY.
HA HA HA HA.
AHH.
ONCE THE STARCH IS FULLY SET,
YOU ARE FREE TO CONSUME.
NOW IF YOU DECIDE TO BAKE
SOME OF YOUR CRACKERS IN SHEETS,
RATHER THAN SCORING THEM
OR CUTTING THEM UP,
YOU CAN CERTAINLY BREAK THEM
INTO PIECES AT THIS TIME.
NOW AS FAR AS STORAGE GOES,
YOUR BEST BET
IS A BIG ZIP-TOP BAG
WITH AS MUCH OF THE AIR
SUCKED OUT AS POSSIBLE.
THIS WILL KEEP 'EM FRESH
FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS.
OF COURSE, IF THEY GET
A LITTLE BIT STALE,
YOU CAN ALWAYS DRY THEM OUT
IN A NICE WARM OVEN.
(crunching)
THAT'S A GOOD CRACKER.
¶
NO SHOW ON CRACKERS
COULD BE COMPLETE
WITHOUT THAT MANNA
OF THE KINDERGARTEN CROWD,
THE GRAHAM CRACKER.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
IT WAS ACTUALLY NAMED AFTER
A FORMER PRESBYTERIAN PREACHER
TURNED VICTORIAN
TEMPERANCE LECTURER
AND SELF-PROCLAIMED
DIETETIC EXPERT--
SYLVESTER W. GRAHAM!
(applause)
THANK YOU FOR COMING, SIR.
MM-HMM.
NOW REVEREND GRAHAM, UM, YOU
WERE ADVOCATING A HEALTHY DIET
BASED ON WHOLE GRAINS,
FRUITS AND VEGETABLES
BACK IN THE EARLY 1800s
LONG BEFORE THE NUTRITIONAL
VALUE OF SUCH DIETS
WERE UNDERSTOOD, RIGHT?
WELL, MR. BROWN,
I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THAT MY BREAD AND CRACKER
RECIPES HAVE BEEN INSTRUMENTAL
IN OVERTHROWING THE DIETARY
HABITS WHICH LEAD TO LUST.
UH, I-I'M SORRY?
LUST!
AN UNWHOLESOME DIET
IRRITATES THE BODY,
AND THE RESULT
OF THAT IRRITATION
IS, WELL, YOU KNOW.
UM, NO.
I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
OF COURSE, I AM DISAPPOINTED
THAT MORE PEOPLE
HAVE NOT FOLLOWED
MY ADVOCACY
FOR REDUCED
GUSTATORY STIMULATION.
I UNDERSTAND THAT ONE CAN TURN
ON THIS TALKING PICTURE BOX
YOU ALL SEEM
SO ENAMORED WITH
AND WATCH PEOPLE PREPARE
DECADENT, SUCCULENT,
OVER-STIMULATING CUISINE
ANY TIME OF THE DAY.
WELL, I-I WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT.
AND YOU SEEM DETERMINED
ON DESTROYING YOURSELVES
WITH CONDIMENTS, AS WELL.
OH, I COULDN'T AGREE
WITH YOU MORE.
KETCHUP, FOR INSTANCE--
AND THE MUSTARD
AND THE SPICES.
THEY CAUSE INSANITY,
YOU KNOW.
UM, UM, MR. GRAHAM,
MAYBE--MAYBE YOU COULD ENLIGHTEN
US ABOUT YOUR CRACKER...
OH.
YOUR CRACKERS.
VERY WELL.
I INVENTED MY CRACKER
IN NEW JERSEY IN 1822,
AN EXCELLENT
AND VERSATILE SNACK
AND AN IMPORTANT PART
OF THE GRAHAM DIET,
A CRITICAL TOOL
IN THE CONSTANT BATTLE
AGAINST
THE ACHING SENSIBILITIES.
THE ACHING SENSE--
OH. UM, YES.
WELL, ACTUALLY
I WAS THINKING
THAT I MIGHT TRY TO MAKE
A BATCH MYSELF.
OH!
WELL, THEN YOU'LL BE NEEDING
THIS GRAHAM FLOUR.
OH.
A SPECIAL FORMULA
BASED UPON
THE USE OF UNSIFTED
COARSE GROUND WHEAT.
NOW I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE.
I AM CONDUCTING A SYMPOSIUM
ON VEGETARIANISM
AND CORSETS
AT THE TEMPERANCE SOCIETY.
WELL--WELL, THEN THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE FUN-LOVING SYLVESTER GRAHAM.
(applause)
EAT MORE BLAND FOOD!
YEAH.
YEAH, WE'LL DO THAT.
¶
¶
IF YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT'S
SO SPECIAL ABOUT GRAHAM FLOUR,
JUST BREAK OUT YOUR KITCHEN
MICROSCOPE AND TAKE A LOOK.
I MEAN, THIS IS NOT JUST
A WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, OKAY?
THE ENDOSPERM
IS GROUND VERY FINE.
IT'S WHITE FLOUR.
AND THEN THE BRAN AND GERM
ARE COARSELY GROUND
AND BLENDED BACK INTO THAT.
SO THEORETICALLY, YOU COULD
WHIP UP YOUR OWN GRAHAM FLOUR
BY SIFTING TOGETHER,
I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S 2/3 OF A CUP
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR,
SAY, A 1/3 OF A CUP
OF COARSELY GROUND BRAN
AND, I DON'T KNOW,
1 1/2 TEASPOONS OF WHEAT GERM,
BUT DON'T BOTHER.
GRAHAM FLOUR
IS RELATIVELY EASY TO FIND,
CERTAINLY AT HEALTH FOOD STORES
AND IN A LOT OF MEGA MARTS, TOO.
NOW OLD MAN GRAHAM'S CRACKERS
CONTAINED NOTHING BUT THIS FLOUR
AND WATER.
AND I'VE TASTED THOSE CRACKERS,
AND NOT ONLY WOULD THEY RID YOU
OF ANY CARNAL IMPURITIES,
THEY'LL MAKE YOU LOSE
YOUR WILL TO LIVE.
SO I'VE TAKEN A FEW LIBERTIES
WITH THE RECIPE.
LET'S GET CRACKING.
THE DRY TEAM STARS
1/8 OF A TEASPOON OF CINNAMON--
WHICH I GROUND MYSELF,
I'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW--
1/2 TEASPOON OF BAKING SODA,
1/2 TEASPOON OF KOSHER SALT,
3/4 OF A TEASPOON
OF BAKING POWDER,
AND, YES, THIS IS
THE ALUMINUM-FREE AGAIN.
THEN WE HAVE 1 7/8 OUNCES
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR, BY WEIGHT,
3 OUNCES OF DARK BROWN SUGAR,
BY WEIGHT
AND 8 3/8 OUNCES OF GRAHAM FLOUR
BY WEIGHT.
IT SURE WOULD BE EASIER IF YOU
WERE USING METRIC AROUND HERE.
ANYWAY, BUZZ THAT UP TO COMBINE,
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA INTRODUCE
3 OUNCES OF BUTTER
TO THE PARTY.
CUTTING THE BUTTER
INTO 1/4-INCH CUBES
AND CHILLING IT WILL HELP
WITH THE PROPER INTEGRATION.
YOU SEE, LIKE A PIE DOUGH,
WE WANT TO KEEP THE FAT SOLID,
OKAY, INSIDE THE DOUGH.
SO PULSE UNTIL THE MIXTURE
JUST RESEMBLES COARSE MEAL.
THERE. NOW TIME TO BRING
THE WET TEAM TO THE PARTY
BEGINNING WITH 2 1/4 OUNCES
OF MOLASSES
BY WEIGHT--
NOT VOLUME METRIC THERE--
AND THEN 1 1/2 OUNCES
OF WHOLE MILK,
WEIGHT OR VOLUME
WOULD BE THE SAME ON THAT,
AND, FINALLY, 1/2 TEASPOON
OF VANILLA EXTRACT,
AND I USE THE GOOD STUFF
FOR THIS.
THERE. CLAMP ON THE LID
AND PULSE
UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
A NICE SMOOTH DOUGH.
YOU KNOW, I BET OLD MAN GRAHAM
WOULD FAINT
IF HE SAW SO MUCH FLAVOR
GOING INTO HIS CRACKERS.
THERE.
AND WHEN IT'S DONE,
IT SHOULD KIND OF FORM
A NICE, SMOOTH,
SLIGHTLY STICKY BALL,
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.
JUST KIND OF SCOOP IT OUT.
THERE. THAT LOOKS PERFECT.
PRESS THE BALL INTO
A 1/2-INCH-THICK DISC,
WRAP IN PLASTIC WRAP
AND REFRIGERATE FOR 30 MINUTES.
¶
ROLLING OUT THIS DOUGH IS
GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME,
BUT WE REALLY NEED TO GET IT
DOWN TO AN EVEN THICKNESS
OF 1/8 INCH FOR PROPER BAKING.
NOW WHEN IT COMES DOWN
TO CUTTING SHAPES,
YOU COULD GO WITH RANDOM
AVANT-GARDE GEOMETRY
SIMPLY BY APPLYING
A SHARP PIZZA CUTTER.
BUT IF YOU WANT REAL PRECISION,
FACTORY-LOOKING
INDUSTRIAL CRACKERS,
YOU SHOULD PICK UP
ONE OF THESE LITTLE GUYS,
AN ACCORDION CUTTER,
WHICH, WHEN SET FOR 2 INCHES,
WILL DO THIS.
NOW TO MAKE SURE THAT THESE
DON'T PUFF UP IN THE OVEN
DUE TO
WATER-TO-STEAM CONVERSION,
WE ARE GOING
TO DOT THE CRACKERS,
THAT IS, WE ARE GONNA, WELL,
PUNCH A BUNCH OF HOLES INTO IT.
NOW ONCE UPON A TIME,
MEDIEVAL BAKERS
USED TO USE DEVICES LIKE THIS.
(laughs menacingly)
MODERN BAKERS TEND TO USE
SOMETHING A LITTLE KINDER
AND GENTLER,
BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T
A COMMON EVERYDAY ITEM,
SO WE WILL EMPLOY A FORK THUSLY.
JUST POKE EACH CRACKER,
OH, ABOUT THREE TIMES.
AND THEN TRIM UP THE EDGES
AND PEEL AWAY ANY
OF THE EXCESS DOUGH.
YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST ADD THAT
BACK TO YOUR DOUGH BALL
AND ROLL OUT MORE LATER.
THERE, ONTO THE PAN.
BAKE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF A 350-DEGREE OVEN
FOR 25 MINUTES.
I WOULD SAY THAT THEY WOULD TURN
GOLDEN BROWN AND DELICIOUS,
BUT THEY'RE ALREADY
GOLDEN BROWN.
THEY WILL, HOWEVER,
LIGHTEN SLIGHTLY WHEN FINISHED.
AHH.
WHEN YOU REMOVE THE CRACKERS
FROM THE OVEN,
ALLOW THEM TO COOL COMPLETELY
IN THE PANS.
THEN JUST BREAK THEM
ALONG THE DOTTED LINE AND ENJOY
OR STORE THEM
FOR UP TO 14 DAYS...
(women chanting)
DOWN WITH BROWN!
IN AN AIRTIGHT CONTAINER.
DOWN WITH BROWN!
WHAT? DOWN WITH BROWN?
DOWN WITH BROWN!
SIR,
WE HAVE CAUGHT WIND
OF WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
IN THIS DEN
OF CULINARY SIN--
I--OH, MY.
(continue chanting)
DOWN WITH BROWN!
SPIT IT OUT, MILLICENT.
LADIES, DO NOT SWALLOW
THOSE CRACKERS,
WHATEVER YOU DO!
BUT HOW CAN SOMETHING SO GOOD
BE BAD?
OH, BUT IT IS, MILLICENT.
IT IS.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK?
I THINK HE'S JUST SAYING THAT
TO KEEP US GIRLS IN OUR PLACE.
YEAH!
GET HIM, GIRLS!
YEAH!
GET HIM, GIRLS!
YEAH!
YEAH!
GET HIM.
THOSE THINGS NEED TO GO OFF
HIS FACE ANYWAY.
OH, HI.
MAY I?
YEAH, SURE, GO AHEAD.
HEY--
SHE TOOK ALL MY CRACKERS.
OH.
¶
¶
ALTHOUGH AMERICANS
CAN CERTAINLY TAKE PRIDE
IN THEIR CRACKER HERITAGE,
WE ARE NOT THE ONLY
CRACKER-HAPPY REGION
IN THE WORLD.
ONE OF THE OLDEST CRACKERS,
LAHVOSH,
IS A TRADITIONAL
MIDDLE EASTERN FLATBREAD,
WHICH WAS ORIGINALLY MADE
WITH JUST FLOUR, WATER AND SALT
AND BAKED IN A CLAY
OR BRICK OVEN.
DON'T HAVE A CLAY OR BRICK OVEN?
NO PROBLEM.
WE'LL ADAPT.
THE DRY TEAM--1 TEASPOON
OF REGULAR TABLE SALT
AND 1/2 A TEASPOON OF SUGAR
GO INTO 14 1/2 OUNCES
OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR.
THAT'S BY WEIGHT,
ALTHOUGH, IT'D BE 2 1/2 CUPS,
GIVE OR TAKE,
IF YOU WERE USING
THE VOLUME METRIC SYSTEM.
NOW ONE EGG GOES
INTO A SEPARATE BOWL
ALONG WITH 2 TABLESPOONS
OF BUTTER
THAT'S BEEN MELTED
AND COOLED SLIGHTLY
AND 2/3 OF A CUP OF WATER.
AND WHISK TO COMBINE.
SO WE'VE GOT
OUR DRY TEAM COMBINED.
WE'VE GOT OUR WET TEAM COMBINED.
AND THE WET GOES
INTO THE DRY THUSLY.
AND JUST USE YOUR HAND,
YES, A CLEAN HAND,
TO BRING THAT TOGETHER
INTO A DOUGH.
IT ALMOST FEELS
LIKE PASTA DOUGH.
JUST WORK IT IN THE BOWL,
AND THEN WHEN YOU CAN,
TURN IT OUT.
AND IT LOOKS KIND OF RAGGED NOW,
BUT KEEP WORKING IT,
AND IT'LL SMOOTH OUT.
HEY, YOU REMEMBER GLUTEN,
THOSE PLASTIC YET ELASTIC
PROTEIN FIBERS
THAT MAGICALLY APPEAR
WHENEVER WHEAT FLOUR
IS AGITATED WITH WATER?
WELL, WE NEED TO CREATE
SOME OF THOSE NOW
SO THAT THIS DOUGH
WILL BE STRETCHABLE.
BUT WE DON'T WANT THE CRACKERS
TO BE TOUGH,
SO WE DON'T WANT TO OVERDO IT--
AS LITTLE KNEADING AS POSSIBLE.
SO GRAB YOUR TRUSTY DOUGH BLADE
AND BREAK THAT
INTO THIRDS ROUGHLY.
DON'T HAVE TO WEIGH IT.
COVER WITH A TEA TOWEL
AND WAIT 30 MINUTES.
THAT'LL ALLOW TIME FOR THE DOUGH
TO FULLY HYDRATE.
SO SET TWO ASIDE,
AND WE'LL WORK ONE AT A TIME.
PUT DOWN THE TEA TOWEL AND THEN
TURN A SHEET PAN UPSIDE DOWN
AND LIBERALLY BUTTER IT
FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER.
PUT THE DOUGH
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE,
KIND OF GIVE IT A LITTLE SQUISH
AND THEN START ROLLING.
NOW ONCE YOU'VE ROLLED THE DOUGH
UNTIL YOU'VE COVERED ABOUT,
AH, 2/3 OF THE PAN,
IT'S TIME TO PUT DOWN
THE ROLLING PIN
AND START STRETCHING.
JUST KIND OF PUT YOUR HAND
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, ONE HAND,
GRAB THE EDGE WITH THE OTHER
AND GENTLY PULL OUT.
NOW IF YOU CAN WORK YOUR WAY
AROUND AND CREATE
KIND OF A LITTLE LIP THAT GOES
OVER THE SIDE OF THE PAN,
THEN THE PAN
WILL HOLD IT IN PLACE.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS
ON AN UPSIDE-DOWN PAN
TO BEGIN WITH.
AHH. PLACE IN THE MIDDLE RACK
OF A 375-DEGREE OVEN
FOR 10 TO 15 MINUTES
OR UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN
AND, WELL, YOU KNOW.
IF YOU WANT
TO DO MULTIPLE RACKS,
YOU COULD DO UP TO THREE HERE,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO ROTATE THEM AROUND
ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH COOKING.
REMOVE TO A COOLING RACK
AND CONTINUE WITH
THE REMAINING DOUGH,
BEING SURE, OF COURSE,
THAT THE PAN HAS COOLED DOWN
BEFORE YOU MAKE
THAT NEXT ADDITION.
THEN JUST BREAK THEM UP
INTO SHAPES AND CONSUME.
THEY'RE JAGGED. THEY'RE CRUNCHY.
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
THEY'RE MUNCHY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
FELLAS?
NOT BAD.
I FIGURE WITH MY BAKING PROGRAM
AND YOUR CALL CENTER...
AND NEW SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MOVE,
I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE 200 UNITS A WEEK.
THEY'LL SELL LIKE HOTCAKES.
200? THAT'S NOT EVEN ENOUGH
TO FIRE UP THE JET.
HEY, BUT WAIT A MINUTE,
I KNOW THAT WE COULD--
SEE YOU NEXT TIME
ON "GOOD EATS."