Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 12, Episode 3 - Tuna Surprise - full transcript
YOU KNOWFIM A I'RM BELIEVER
IN THE PANTRY PRINCIPLE,
WHICH STATES THAT WHEN ARMED
WITH A WELL-STOCKED CUPBOARD,
A COOK NEVER RUNS DRY
ON EDIBLE OPTIONS.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT,
SOMETIMES EVEN A PACKED CUPBOARD
SUCH AS THIS
LOOKS ODDLY BARREN.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT THE PANTRY'S
FAULT, OF COURSE. IT'S MINE.
LIKE SO MANY OTHER COOKS,
I'VE BECOME
TOO SET IN MY WAYS.
TRYING TO PUMP OUT ANOTHER ONE
OF THOSE PANTRY-RAID SHOWS, HUH?
IT'S ALVIN THE ALBACORE!
OH, HOW NICE!
YOU REMEMBER.
HE WAS--HIS PICTURE
WAS ON EVERY CAN OF TUNA
THAT I ATE WHEN I WAS A KID,
AND I ATE A LOT OF CANNED TUNA.
YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN
MUCH OF YOU SINCE.
WELL, I GREW UP.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU BECAME
THIS BIG SHOT TV COOK.
DON'T NEED ALVIN ANYMORE,
DON'T NEED MY FLAKY GOODNESS.
IT'S JUST--
AS THE TASTE MATURES--
OH, OH, WHAT IS IT NOW?
A HAND MASSAGE,
SAKE-FED BLUEFIN TUNA
AT A BENJAMIN A BITE?
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST--
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'VE COME TO ACCEPT THE FACT
THAT ALL I'M GOOD FOR
IS OLD LADY CASSEROLES
AND LUNCH BOX
SANDWICHES.
THERE'S NOT MUCH FUTURE
IN BEING ALVIN THE ALBACORE,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
YOU KNOW, I DOUBT THERE'S ANYONE
IN THE WORLD BRAVE ENOUGH,
CLEVER ENOUGH, SKILLED ENOUGH
IN THE WAYS OF THE KITCHEN
TO EVER TURN
OLD CAN-BOUND ALVIN INTO...
Closed Captions provided
by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
OKAY, MAYBE ALVIN THE ALBACORE
IS RIGHT.
AFTER ALL, THE PATRON SAINT
OF AMERICAN GASTRONOMES--
JAMES BEARD...
(choir singing)
WAS HEARD TO SAY THAT TUNA
WAS THE ONLY INGREDIENT
THAT WAS BETTER CANNED
THAN FRESH.
BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO
WITH A PRODUCT
THAT IS SO LIMITED?
AFTER ALL,
WHAT ARE YOUR CHOICES?
STUFF THAT LOOKS
LIKE CAT FOOD IN OIL
AND STUFF THAT LOOKS
LIKE CAT FOOD IN--OH, MY.
WELL, THIS CERTAINLY IS
NOT MY MOTHER'S CANNED TUNA.
I'VE GOT
SOME INVESTIGATING TO DO.
(cats mewling)
HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!
BEAT IT, YOU CATS!
OH, HERE'S WHAT I'VE LEARNED.
ALTHOUGH OTHER VARIETIES
SNEAK IN FROM TIME TO TIME,
IF THE WORDS "LIGHT"
AND "CHUNK" ARE ON THE CAN,
THE PIECES INTERRED THEREIN
ARE PROBABLY SKIPJACK TUNA,
WHICH LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE THIS.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED, THIS FISH
ONLY HAS A 3-YEAR LIFE SPAN
AND AN AVERAGE CATCH WEIGHT
OF 3 TO 7 POUNDS.
IT'S A SMALL FISH.
NOW MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF TUNA
CAN BE REFERRED TO AS "FANCY"
OR "SOLID" TUNAS,
BUT BY LAW, ONLY ALBACORE
CAN BE SOLD AS WHITE TUNA.
DID SOMEBODY ORDER
THE ALBACORE?
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW,
ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING
FOR NOT A SHOWBIZ FISH--
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE BIT MORE
SCIENTIFICALLY CORRECT.
NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S IN MY CONTRACT.
I HAVE ALBACORE EXCLUSIVITY.
OKAY, FINE.
(clears throat)
AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE ALBACORE IS MUCH LARGER
THAN THE SKIPJACK,
WITH AN AVERAGE MARKET WEIGHT
BETWEEN 20 AND 40 POUNDS
AND A LIFE SPAN
OF UP TO FIVE YEARS,
ALTHOUGH OBVIOUSLY,
SOME CAN GROW MUCH FATTER.
ALBACORE SOLID TUNA
IS JUST THAT.
THE FISH IS STEAMED
TO EASE DEBONING,
AND THEN A CAN-SIZED SECTION
OF LOIN MUSCLE
IS JUST PUNCHED OUT
OF THE CARCASS IN A TUBE.
THE RESULT--
A SOLID PIECE OF MEAT.
ALMOST ALL FANCY WHITE TUNA,
BY THE WAY,
IS PACKED IN SALTWATER
THESE DAYS.
YEAH, I'M
THE CREME DE LA CREME.
YES, SIR.
YES--CREME DE LA CREME.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
THOSE CATS SOUND HUNGRY.
I THINK I'LL LET THEM IN.
HA-HA!
HEY, HEY, NO, NO, NO! HEY!
UP, TUNA! UP! UP!
(cats mewling)
THERE HE IS, GUYS.
GO GET HIM.
UP, TUNA!
LUNCH IS UP. GO GET HIM.
OF COURSE,
IF THERE'S ONE THING
THAT CANNED TUNA LOVERS
WONDER,
IT'S WHY DOESN'T CANNED TUNA
TASTE ANYTHING LIKE TUNA?
THE ANSWER--WELL, WHY NOT ASK
THE MAN HIMSELF,
THE INVENTOR OF CANNING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
NICHOLAS APPERT!
(cheers and applause)
NICK, IT IS SO GOOD
TO FINALLY HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
THE CAN--
A HUGE SUCCESS, RIGHT, HUH?
HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
(French accent)
I DID NOT INVENT THE CAN!
I INVENTED CANNING,
WHICH IS BETTER!
WELL, WELL, OKAY.
OKAY, TELL US ABOUT THAT.
WELL,
IN 1800,
BONNY HAD THE--
WHOA, WAIT A SECOND--BONNY?
YOU MEAN
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE?
OUI--
BONNY TO HIS FRIENDS.
ANYWAY, HE HAD ARMIES STRETCHED
ALL OVER CREATION,
BUT HE HAD NO WAY
TO FEED THEM.
SO HE POSTED
A 12,000-FRANC REWARD
TO ANYONE WHO COULD COME UP
WITH A PRESERVED
AND STABLE FOOD SOURCE.
AFTER MANY YEARS
OF EXPERIMENTATION,
I DISCOVERED THAT
IF I SEALED THE FOOD
AIRTIGHT IN A HEAVY BOTTLE,
AND THEN BOILED THE BOTTLE
FOR MANY HOURS,
THE AIR WAS FORCED OUT
AND THE FOOD PRESERVED!
THAT EXPLAINS THE TEXTURE
AND FLAVOR
OF CANNED TUNA.
IT'S OVERCOOKED!
AND BY THE WAY,
IT WASN'T THE AIR.
PARDON?
THAT PRESERVED THE FOOD--
IT'S NOT PUSHING THE AIR OUT,
IT'S THE FACT
THAT THE LONG COOKING PROCESS
KILLS ALL THE BACTERIA.
CANNED FOOD IS
ESSENTIALLY PASTEURIZED.
OH, PASTEUR!
HE ALWAYS GETS ALL THE CREDIT!
I CAME 100 YEARS--
WELL, LET'S CHANGE
THE SUBJECT.
WE'LL DO THAT.
WE'LL CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE CAN,
THE DEVELOPMENT
OF THE CAN ITSELF.
TELL US ABOUT THAT.
THAT WAS NOT ME!
THAT WAS PIERRE DURAND--
THE THIEF!
WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE
THE NEXT GUEST ON OUR SHOW.
THAT'S RIGHT. GIVE IT UP,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FOR THE INVENTOR OF "TIN CANS"
PETER DURAND!
(cheers and applause)
MON DIEU!
YOU HAVE SOME NERVE,
SHOWING UP HERE
WITH YOUR FACE,
YOU THIEF!
(French accent) HERE'S THE JAG.
KEEP IT UP FRONT, WILL YOU?
MONSIEUR BROWN,
I BRING YOU A TIN OF FINE TUNA
FROM GENOA.
WOW, IT'S, UH--
IT'S RUSTY.
WELL, IT IS IRON.
WE COAT IT WITH TIN
TO PREVENT CORROSION.
OKAY.
IT IS OLD, BUT IT'S FINE.
YOU EAT!
IT IS NOT OLD,
IT IS DECREPIT!
LOOK AT IT DRIPPING
ALL ITS BADNESS!
THANK YOU FOR WARMING UP
THE ROOM FOR ME, NICK.
YOU MAY GO.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING
LIKE THIS?
YOU ARE NOT FRENCH.
YOU ARE ENGLISH!
I AM A CITIZEN
OF THE WORLD.
YOU ARE A THIEF
AND AN IMPOSTER!
NO!
PUT UP YOUR DUKES!
GENTLEMEN,
I'M NOT SURE...
COME ON, BRING IT!
THAT THIS IS
REALLY THE PLACE--
I WILL POUND YOU
INTO THE DIRT!
I WONDER IF MIKE DOUGLAS
HAD DAYS LIKE THIS.
¶
¶
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK
THAT AMERICANS INVENTED
CANNED TUNA,
CHECK THIS OUT.
ARISTOTLE WROTE OF SALTED TUNA
PRESERVED IN TERRA-COTTA JARS
BEING SOLD BY THE ANCIENT GREEKS
TO THE CARTHAGINIANS.
SO THERE.
OF COURSE, IF WE'VE
LEARNED ANYTHING HERE TODAY
THROUGH THE UNFORTUNATE
APPERT-DURAND INCIDENT,
IT IS THAT WHEN TUNA
GOES INTO A CAN,
IT HAS TO BE COOKED
AND THEN SEALED IN THE CAN
AND THEN COOKED AGAIN
IN A PROCESS CALLED RETORT
TO KILL
ANY LURKING MICROORGANISMS.
THE RESULTS
ARE MASSIVELY OVERCOOKED
AND, FRANKLY,
NOT VERY SATISFACTORY.
NOW TUNA SEALED
IN AIRTIGHT POUCHES
IS DIFFERENT,
BECAUSE POUCHES
OFFER MORE SURFACE AREA,
SO THAT SECOND COOKING CAN BE
DONE VERY, VERY QUICKLY,
'CAUSE THE HEAT
DOESN'T HAVE TO PENETRATE
A 4-INCH HOCKEY PUCK.
THE RESULT--
A PLEASING TEXTURE AND FLAVOR
THAT'S ALMOST LIKE FRESH.
AND OF COURSE,
POUCHES HAVE THE ADDED BENEFIT
OF NOT PERFORATING THE HANDLER
WITH--OH, THING.
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
THE FRESHER FLAVOR
OF POUCHED TUNA
CERTAINLY COMES THROUGH
IN HOT APPLICATIONS
SUCH AS MY CHILDHOOD FAVORITE
TUNA CROQUETTES.
CROQUETTES, CRO--OH.
WE BEGIN WITH A STANDARD
7-OUNCE PACKAGE/POUCH
OF ALBACORE TUNA,
DRAINED AND SHREDDED, PLEASE,
LIKE THIS.
(chuckles)
NONE'LL WEED SOME PROTEIN
TO HOLD THINGS TOGETHER,
AND THAT IS WHERE TWO LARGE EGGS
LIGHTLY BEATEN COME IN.
WE'LL ALSO NEED TO HOLD
SOME MOISTURE IN,
SO 1/4 CUP
OF JAPANESE-STYLE BREADCRUMBS
WILL BE VERY HANDY.
AS FOR FLAVOR,
WE'LL BRIGHTEN THINGS UP
WITH 1 TEASPOON
OF FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON JUICE.
ADD SOME TANG
WITH JUST A COUPLE
OF TEASPOONS OF DIJON.
YOU CAN EYEBALL THAT--
ABOUT THERE.
WE WILL HAVE 1/2 TEASPOON
OF KOSHER SALT--
THE FISH WILL NEED IT--
TWO GREEN ONIONS,
CHOPPED NICE AND FINE
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
A GOOD GRIND OF BLACK PEPPER.
THERE, NOW USE A SPATULA
AND BRING TOGETHER
BUT DON'T MASH IT INTO A PASTE.
NOW TO DOSE THAT OUT,
WE WILL USE
A 2-TABLESPOON--
AH, THERE IT IS--
OR A 1-OUNCE DISHER.
THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.
WE'RE ALSO GOING TO NEED
ONE SHEET PAN
AND SOME PARCHMENT PAPER.
THERE, THAT'S GOOD.
NOW JUST START DISHING 'EM OUT.
AND I LIKE TO KINDA USE
THE SPATULA
AND DISHER AT THE SAME TIME.
THERE, DON'T PACK IT IN.
THAT'S IMPORTANT.
NOW IF THERE IS A SECRET
TO MANUFACTURING CROQUETTES,
IT IS THIS--
THESE LITTLE GUYS MUST SIT
AND REST
FOR 15 MINUTES BEFORE MOVING OFF
TO THE BREADING STATION.
THAT WILL ALLOW TIME
FOR THE BREADCRUMBS
TO ABSORB WHATEVER
INTERNAL MOISTURE THEY CAN HOLD.
AND WHATEVER THEY CAN'T HOLD
WILL MIGRATE OUT ONTO THE PAPER.
THIS IS CRITICAL IF THESE GUYS
ARE GONNA HOLD THEIR SHAPE
IN THE PAN.
¶
REST TIME IS OVER.
IT IS TIME TO BREAD
OUR CROQUETTES.
I HAVE 1/2 CUP OF ADDITIONAL
JAPANESE BREADCRUMBS.
HERE'S HOW IT GOES.
¶
WITH ALL OF YOUR CROQUETTES
ASSEMBLED,
TIME TO FETCH DOWN A BIG OLD
12-INCH SKILLET, SLOPE SIDES,
OR SAUTE PAN, STRAIGHT SIDES.
YOU COULD DO THIS
IN A SMALLER VESSEL,
BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO WORK
IN BATCHES,
AND I JUST DON'T SEE
ANY REASON TO DO THAT.
SO THIS WILL GO
OVER MEDIUM HEAT.
NOW AS FAR AS LUBRICATION GOES,
I PREFER OLIVE OIL--
PLAIN OLD OLIVE OIL,
NOT EXTRA VIRGIN,
NOTHING FRUITY AND SPECIAL,
NO FANCY CONTAINERS,
NO EXPENSIVE FLAVORS
LOST TO HIGH HEAT.
NOW WE'RE GONNA USE JUST ENOUGH
TO COAT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN--
ABOUT A TABLESPOON.
THERE. WE DON'T WANT
ANY MORE THAN THAT,
BECAUSE IT'LL START TO SPLATTER,
AND IT'LL GET NASTY ON US.
THERE. ONCE WE'VE GOT
JUST A BIT OF A SHIMMER,
MOVE THESE GUYS OVER.
AND YOU WANT TO USE
AS THIN A SPATULA
AS YOU HAVE,
SO THEY WON'T FALL APART.
KEEP 'EM SEPARATED,
AND I'M GONNA WORK
IN KIND OF A CIRCLE HERE.
THERE SHOULDN'T BE
A LOT OF SIZZLING YET.
WE WANT THE COOKING
TO BE RELATIVELY SLOW.
AND WE DON'T WANT THEM
TO TOUCH.
NOW ORDINARILY I WOULD SAY
TO COOK THIS UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN
AND DELICIOUS
AND THEN FLIP AND REPEAT,
BUT WE REALLY NEED TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE INSIDE
IS THOROUGHLY COOKED,
SO WE'RE GONNA GO
FOR A 3-MINUTE COOK TIME.
IF DURING THAT TIME
THE UNDERSIDE STARTS TO LOOK
TOO GOLDEN BROWN AND DELICIOUS,
TURN DOWN THE HEAT.
THREE MINUTES--
THAT'S OUR TARGET.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT TOO ROUGH,
FLIPPING SHOULD BE PRETTY EASY
BECAUSE THE BREADCRUMB
ON THE BOTTOM
HAS NOW THOROUGHLY SET.
(beeps)
MMM, DELICIOUS!
AND IF SOME OF THE RANTS
COMING OUT OF THE POPULAR PRESS
ARE CORRECT--
TERRIBLY DANGEROUS TO BOOT.
THE POSSIBLE PROBLEM--
MERCURY!
AH, COOL STUFF, MERCURY--
I REMEMBER MY GRANDPARENTS
HAD A BIG JAR OF IT,
AND I WOULD POUR IT OUT
AND PLAY WITH IT FOR HOURS.
UNFORTUNATELY, NOW WE KNOW
THAT IT IS EASILY ABSORBED
INTO THE BODY, EVEN BY THE SKIN,
AND THAT CAN CAUSE
SERIOUS PROBLEMS,
WHICH IS WHY WE COULDN'T
ACTUALLY GET AHOLD OF ANY.
SO HOW IS IT THAT MERCURY
GETS INTO OUR FISH?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
MERCURY NATURALLY OCCURS
IN MANY ROCKS, LIKE COAL.
BURN THE COAL IN, SAY,
A POWER PLANT
AND THE MERCURY GOES SKYWARD
FROM THE PLANT'S SMOKESTACKS.
PRECIPITATION CARRIES IT
BACK TO THE GROUND,
WHERE STREAMS AND RIVERS
THEN MOVE IT INTO THE SEA.
THERE IT IS SET UPON
BY BACTERIA,
WHICH TURNS IT INTO FAR MORE
DANGEROUS METHYL MERCURY.
MICROSCOPIC AMOUNTS END UP
IN SMALL FISH,
WHICH ARE CONSUMED
BY MEDIUM FISH,
WHICH ARE THEN CONSUMED
BY LARGER PREDATORS
INCLUDING BIG TUNA, WHICH,
DUE TO THEIR LONG LIFE SPANS,
TEND TO STORE UP MORE MERCURY
IN THEIR BODIES THAN OTHER FISH.
WE EAT THEM. SOME SMALL PORTION
OF THE MERCURY BECOMES OURS
FOR A LONG TIME.
¶
SO HERE WE HAVE
THIS POWERFUL PANTRY PAL,
CHOCK FULL
OF CULINARY POSSIBILITIES
AND NUTRITIONAL GOODNESS, WHICH
MOST OF US GREW UP MUNCHING,
THAT COULD POSSIBLY, MAYBE,
BE DANGEROUS TO--WHO?
HIGH LEVELS OF MERCURY
IN THE BLOODSTREAM
OF UNBORN BABIES
AND YOUNG CHILDREN
MAY HARM THE DEVELOPING
NERVOUS SYSTEM.
WITH THIS IN MIND,
THE FDA...
AND THE EPA--
HAVE DESIGNED AN ADVISORY
FOR CHILDREN, PREGNANT WOMEN,
NURSING MOTHERS
AND WOMEN CONSIDERING
BECOMING PREGNANT
IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
ONE--AVOID CONSUMING SHARKS,
SWORDFISH, KING MACKEREL
OR TILEFISH, WHICH CAN CONTAIN
HIGH LEVELS OF MERCURY.
TWO--CONSUME UP
TO 12 OUNCES A WEEK...
APPROXIMATELY TWO MEALS.
OF A VARIETY OF FISH
AND SHELLFISH
THAT ARE LOWER IN MERCURY,
SUCH AS CANNED LIGHT TUNA.
OH, YOU KNOW, REMEMBER,
CANNED LIGHT TUNA,
MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,
MEANS SKIPJACK,
A RELATIVELY SMALL VARIETY
THAT DOESN'T GROW BIG ENOUGH
OR LIVE LONG ENOUGH
TO ACCUMULATE MUCH MERCURY.
ALBACORE OR WHITE TUNA CAN
CONTAIN MORE MERCURY
THAN CANNED LIGHT TUNA,
SO WHEN CHOOSING YOUR TWO MEALS
OF FISH AND SHELLFISH...
WE RECOMMEND YOU CONSUME
UP TO 6 OUNCES
OF ALBACORE TUNA
PER WEEK.
YELLOWFIN AND BLUEFIN TUNA
CAN HARBOR EVEN HIGHER LEVELS
OF THE STUFF.
BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT TUNA
IS A TREASURE TROVE
OF NUTRITION,
INCLUDING VITAMIN D--
SELENIUM--
PROTEIN--
AND OMEGA-3 FATTY ACIDS--
WHICH ARE CRITICAL
TO THE DEVELOPMENT
OF SOUND MINDS
AND STRONG BODIES.
SO BE A GOOD TYKE
AND EAT YOUR TUNA.
WELL, HEY, HOW ABOUT ME?
GIVEN YOUR AGE
AND WEIGHT,
YOU CAN EAT
ALL YOU WANT.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S
DOING THAT ALREADY.
FOR DECADES,
AMERICAN DIETERS
HAVE TURNED TO HIGH-PROTEIN
LOW-FAT CANNED TUNA
TO SHED THE POUNDS.
THAT NEVER REALLY
WORKED FOR ME.
YOU EAT CANNED TUNA?
I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE THAT'S CREEPY.
THE PROBLEM IS MOST AMERICANS
MIX IN GOBS OF MAYONNAISE--
NOT EXACTLY
A REDUCTIVE INGREDIENT.
NOW DOWN RIVIERA WAY,
THE FRENCH DINE
UPON A FUSSY TUNA SALAD
CALLED SALAD NICOISE,
WHICH FEATURES CANNED TUNA
ALONG WITH RAW GREEN BEANS,
OLIVES, POTATOES
AND HARD-COOKED EGGS.
NOW WHAT DO RAW GREEN BEANS
HAVE TO DO WITH SALAD?
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, THESE ARE
THE PEOPLE THAT THINK
JERRY LEWIS
IS A GENIUS.
AND WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
"THE GEISHA BOY"?
YOU KNOW, THAT SAID,
I'M NOT A BIG FAN
OF SALAD NICOISE,
BUT I AM A FAN OF THE TUNA
THAT OFTEN GOES INTO IT.
IT'S A SPECIAL CANNED TUNA
CALLED VENTRESCA,
WHICH COMES FROM
THE ITALIAN WORD FOR BELLY.
AND YOU CAN TELL BY LOOKING
AT THE GRAIN STRUCTURE
THAT IT IS DEFINITELY
A DIFFERENT BEAST.
THE BEST EXAMPLES OF THIS
COME FROM SPAIN.
TO BE HONEST, I WOULD
RATHER EAT THIS TUNA
THAN ANY OTHER KIND.
EVEN MORE THAN MASSAGED
SAKE-FED BLUEFIN?
EVEN MORE THAN THAT.
WHAT'S ESPECIALLY NICE TO FIND
IS THAT, ALTHOUGH IT'S PRICEY,
IT IS BECOMING EASIER
TO FIND IN THE U.S.,
THANKS
TO THE GOOD OLD INTERNET.
NOW I SAY THAT WE TAKE THIS TUNA
BACK TO AMERICA,
AND WE MAKE OURSELVES
A TUNA SALAD
THAT WILL NOT ONLY BE
NUTRITIONALLY SOUND,
BUT WILL ALSO BE
SOPHISTICATED--
THE KIND OF THING YOU MIGHT USE
TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS
OR SCARE YOUR ENEMIES.
NOW THE FIRST STEP IS
WE NEED TO DRAIN THIS TUNA,
WHILE KEEPING IT AS INTACT
AS POSSIBLE.
THAT'S PART OF THE CHARM
OF THIS STUFF.
SO WE'LL JUST KIND OF WORK IT
OUT OF THE CAN.
AND RESERVE THE OIL,
'CAUSE IT IS MIGHTY TASTY STUFF.
STASH THIS IN THE CHILL CHEST
WHILE YOU ASSEMBLE THE REST
OF THE PARTS LIST.
NOW YOU MIGHT WANT
TO EAT THIS DISH AS A SALAD,
BUT THEN YOU MIGHT WANT
TO EAT IT AS A LITTLE WRAP.
THAT WILL NECESSITATE
A FLEXIBLE BASE LAYER,
LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
BUTTER LETTUCE LEAVES,
WHICH YOU WILL WISH TO RINSE
AND PAT DRY.
IT WILL ALSO REQUIRE
ONE RED OR ORANGE BELL PEPPER,
A CHOPPED HARD-COOKED EGG,
SOME CAPERS
AND, IF YOU HAVE 'EM,
SOME MICROGREENS.
ALSO--
LUSCIOUS BLACK LAVA
SEA SALT,
WHICH GETS ITS DISTINCT COLOR
AND SUBTLE EARTHY FLAVOR
FROM THE ADDITION
OF PURIFIED BLACK LAVA
AND ACTIVATED CHARCOAL.
I KEEP THIS STUFF AROUND
BECAUSE I THINK IT LOOKS COOL.
YOU CAN GET IT ONLINE
OR AT GOURMET STORES,
OR YOU CAN SKIP IT
AND JUST USE COARSE SEA SALT.
OH, YOU'RE ALSO GOING TO NEED
ONE SHALLOT,
WHICH IS A LOT EASIER TO FIND.
¶
ALTHOUGH IT IS
CERTAINLY SOPHISTICATED,
THIS SALAD IS NOT IN ANY WAY
FASHION OR FORM FUSSY.
AND OF COURSE, SINCE IT'S A...
TUNA SALAD, THE POUNDS
ARE GONNA DROP RIGHT OFF.
POUNDS ARE MELTING,
DROPPING RIGHT OFF--OH, BOTHER.
¶
IF YOU'RE INTO
CLASSICAL ITALIAN CUISINE,
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD
OF THE PECULIAR YET DELICIOUS
VITELLO TONNATA
OR COLD VEAL AND TUNA SAUCE.
NOW I'M NOT A BIG VEAL FAN,
BUT I AM A BIG FAN
OF TUNA SAUCE,
WHICH WITH THE PROPER
ACIDIC ADDITIVES
CAN BECOME ONE OF THE HEALTHIEST
AND CREAMIEST
DIP-SALAD DRESSING-BREAKFAST
SPREAD-CAR WAXES AROUND.
NOW ONCE AGAIN,
I'M GOING TO REACH
FOR THE POUCHED PRODUCT,
WHICH HAS BECOME
MY EVERYDAY TUNA.
TO THAT WE WILL ADD
1/4 CUP OF MAYONNAISE--
HOMEMADE WOULD BE BEST--
A COUPLE OF TABLESPOONS
OF RED WINE VINEGAR,
A TABLESPOON
OF FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON JUICE,
ONE TABLESPOON OF OLIVE OIL,
A TABLESPOON OF CAPERS
ALONG WITH THEIR JUICE
AND A COUPLE OF GRINDS
OF BLACK PEPPER.
EVERYTHING GOES
INTO THE WORK BOWL
OF YOUR FOOD PROCESSOR.
OF COURSE,
THAT'S A LITTLE TOO BIG,
SO IF YOUR FOOD PROCESSOR HAS
THAT LITTLE WORK BOWL INSERT,
YOU'LL WANT TO USE IT.
NOW THE OBVIOUS CHOICE
FOR THIS SAUCE
IS TO DRESS YOUR FAVORITE
SALAD GREENS WITH IT,
BUT I SAY WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT INVITE IT
TO YOUR NEXT CRUDITES
OR SPREAD IT
ON YOUR MORNING TOAST.
TOSS IT WITH PASTA
AND VEGETABLES FOR PASTA SALAD.
HECK, IT'S EVEN A GREAT DUNK
FOR GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.
OKAY, IT'S NOT GREAT
AT EVERYTHING,
BUT, HEY,
IF YOU HAVE ANY LEFT OVER,
YOU CAN STORE IT
IN AN AIRTIGHT CONTAINER
IN THE FRIDGE
FOR UP TO FOUR DAYS.
ALVIN, YOU WERE RIGHT.
AS LONG AS WE'VE GOT A PANTRY
FULL OF CANNED AND POUCHED TUNA,
WE WILL NEVER RUN OUT
OF CULINARY POSSIBILITIES.
THANKS, MAN.
DON'T MENTION IT, KID.
LISTEN, I GOTTA
CATCH A CURRENT.
WHERE YOU HEADED?
SPAIN. SEE, I'M THINKING
IF I CAN'T MAKE IT
IN THE POUCH MARKET,
I'M GONNA TURN
SOME OF THIS PAUNCH
INTO THAT FANCY
VENTRESCA STUFF.
SURE, SURE.
HEY, ALVIN, WHY IS IT YOU
ANTHROPOMORPHIZED FOOD MASCOTS
ALWAYS WANT SOMEBODY
TO EAT YOU?
IT'S JUST THE WAY
WE'RE WIRED.
BESIDES, WHO WOULDN'T WANT
TO END UP AS GOOD EATS?
HEY, YEAH!
SEE YOU LATER, MAN!
BYE!
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I'M MORE THAN HAPPY
TO STAY ON THE HANDLE END
OF THE FORK,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WELL, I HOPE THAT WE'VE
INSPIRED YOU TO--
YOU KNOW.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
IN THE PANTRY PRINCIPLE,
WHICH STATES THAT WHEN ARMED
WITH A WELL-STOCKED CUPBOARD,
A COOK NEVER RUNS DRY
ON EDIBLE OPTIONS.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT,
SOMETIMES EVEN A PACKED CUPBOARD
SUCH AS THIS
LOOKS ODDLY BARREN.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT THE PANTRY'S
FAULT, OF COURSE. IT'S MINE.
LIKE SO MANY OTHER COOKS,
I'VE BECOME
TOO SET IN MY WAYS.
TRYING TO PUMP OUT ANOTHER ONE
OF THOSE PANTRY-RAID SHOWS, HUH?
IT'S ALVIN THE ALBACORE!
OH, HOW NICE!
YOU REMEMBER.
HE WAS--HIS PICTURE
WAS ON EVERY CAN OF TUNA
THAT I ATE WHEN I WAS A KID,
AND I ATE A LOT OF CANNED TUNA.
YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN
MUCH OF YOU SINCE.
WELL, I GREW UP.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU BECAME
THIS BIG SHOT TV COOK.
DON'T NEED ALVIN ANYMORE,
DON'T NEED MY FLAKY GOODNESS.
IT'S JUST--
AS THE TASTE MATURES--
OH, OH, WHAT IS IT NOW?
A HAND MASSAGE,
SAKE-FED BLUEFIN TUNA
AT A BENJAMIN A BITE?
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST--
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'VE COME TO ACCEPT THE FACT
THAT ALL I'M GOOD FOR
IS OLD LADY CASSEROLES
AND LUNCH BOX
SANDWICHES.
THERE'S NOT MUCH FUTURE
IN BEING ALVIN THE ALBACORE,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
YOU KNOW, I DOUBT THERE'S ANYONE
IN THE WORLD BRAVE ENOUGH,
CLEVER ENOUGH, SKILLED ENOUGH
IN THE WAYS OF THE KITCHEN
TO EVER TURN
OLD CAN-BOUND ALVIN INTO...
Closed Captions provided
by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
OKAY, MAYBE ALVIN THE ALBACORE
IS RIGHT.
AFTER ALL, THE PATRON SAINT
OF AMERICAN GASTRONOMES--
JAMES BEARD...
(choir singing)
WAS HEARD TO SAY THAT TUNA
WAS THE ONLY INGREDIENT
THAT WAS BETTER CANNED
THAN FRESH.
BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO
WITH A PRODUCT
THAT IS SO LIMITED?
AFTER ALL,
WHAT ARE YOUR CHOICES?
STUFF THAT LOOKS
LIKE CAT FOOD IN OIL
AND STUFF THAT LOOKS
LIKE CAT FOOD IN--OH, MY.
WELL, THIS CERTAINLY IS
NOT MY MOTHER'S CANNED TUNA.
I'VE GOT
SOME INVESTIGATING TO DO.
(cats mewling)
HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!
BEAT IT, YOU CATS!
OH, HERE'S WHAT I'VE LEARNED.
ALTHOUGH OTHER VARIETIES
SNEAK IN FROM TIME TO TIME,
IF THE WORDS "LIGHT"
AND "CHUNK" ARE ON THE CAN,
THE PIECES INTERRED THEREIN
ARE PROBABLY SKIPJACK TUNA,
WHICH LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE THIS.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED, THIS FISH
ONLY HAS A 3-YEAR LIFE SPAN
AND AN AVERAGE CATCH WEIGHT
OF 3 TO 7 POUNDS.
IT'S A SMALL FISH.
NOW MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF TUNA
CAN BE REFERRED TO AS "FANCY"
OR "SOLID" TUNAS,
BUT BY LAW, ONLY ALBACORE
CAN BE SOLD AS WHITE TUNA.
DID SOMEBODY ORDER
THE ALBACORE?
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW,
ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING
FOR NOT A SHOWBIZ FISH--
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE BIT MORE
SCIENTIFICALLY CORRECT.
NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S IN MY CONTRACT.
I HAVE ALBACORE EXCLUSIVITY.
OKAY, FINE.
(clears throat)
AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE ALBACORE IS MUCH LARGER
THAN THE SKIPJACK,
WITH AN AVERAGE MARKET WEIGHT
BETWEEN 20 AND 40 POUNDS
AND A LIFE SPAN
OF UP TO FIVE YEARS,
ALTHOUGH OBVIOUSLY,
SOME CAN GROW MUCH FATTER.
ALBACORE SOLID TUNA
IS JUST THAT.
THE FISH IS STEAMED
TO EASE DEBONING,
AND THEN A CAN-SIZED SECTION
OF LOIN MUSCLE
IS JUST PUNCHED OUT
OF THE CARCASS IN A TUBE.
THE RESULT--
A SOLID PIECE OF MEAT.
ALMOST ALL FANCY WHITE TUNA,
BY THE WAY,
IS PACKED IN SALTWATER
THESE DAYS.
YEAH, I'M
THE CREME DE LA CREME.
YES, SIR.
YES--CREME DE LA CREME.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
THOSE CATS SOUND HUNGRY.
I THINK I'LL LET THEM IN.
HA-HA!
HEY, HEY, NO, NO, NO! HEY!
UP, TUNA! UP! UP!
(cats mewling)
THERE HE IS, GUYS.
GO GET HIM.
UP, TUNA!
LUNCH IS UP. GO GET HIM.
OF COURSE,
IF THERE'S ONE THING
THAT CANNED TUNA LOVERS
WONDER,
IT'S WHY DOESN'T CANNED TUNA
TASTE ANYTHING LIKE TUNA?
THE ANSWER--WELL, WHY NOT ASK
THE MAN HIMSELF,
THE INVENTOR OF CANNING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
NICHOLAS APPERT!
(cheers and applause)
NICK, IT IS SO GOOD
TO FINALLY HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
THE CAN--
A HUGE SUCCESS, RIGHT, HUH?
HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
(French accent)
I DID NOT INVENT THE CAN!
I INVENTED CANNING,
WHICH IS BETTER!
WELL, WELL, OKAY.
OKAY, TELL US ABOUT THAT.
WELL,
IN 1800,
BONNY HAD THE--
WHOA, WAIT A SECOND--BONNY?
YOU MEAN
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE?
OUI--
BONNY TO HIS FRIENDS.
ANYWAY, HE HAD ARMIES STRETCHED
ALL OVER CREATION,
BUT HE HAD NO WAY
TO FEED THEM.
SO HE POSTED
A 12,000-FRANC REWARD
TO ANYONE WHO COULD COME UP
WITH A PRESERVED
AND STABLE FOOD SOURCE.
AFTER MANY YEARS
OF EXPERIMENTATION,
I DISCOVERED THAT
IF I SEALED THE FOOD
AIRTIGHT IN A HEAVY BOTTLE,
AND THEN BOILED THE BOTTLE
FOR MANY HOURS,
THE AIR WAS FORCED OUT
AND THE FOOD PRESERVED!
THAT EXPLAINS THE TEXTURE
AND FLAVOR
OF CANNED TUNA.
IT'S OVERCOOKED!
AND BY THE WAY,
IT WASN'T THE AIR.
PARDON?
THAT PRESERVED THE FOOD--
IT'S NOT PUSHING THE AIR OUT,
IT'S THE FACT
THAT THE LONG COOKING PROCESS
KILLS ALL THE BACTERIA.
CANNED FOOD IS
ESSENTIALLY PASTEURIZED.
OH, PASTEUR!
HE ALWAYS GETS ALL THE CREDIT!
I CAME 100 YEARS--
WELL, LET'S CHANGE
THE SUBJECT.
WE'LL DO THAT.
WE'LL CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE CAN,
THE DEVELOPMENT
OF THE CAN ITSELF.
TELL US ABOUT THAT.
THAT WAS NOT ME!
THAT WAS PIERRE DURAND--
THE THIEF!
WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE
THE NEXT GUEST ON OUR SHOW.
THAT'S RIGHT. GIVE IT UP,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FOR THE INVENTOR OF "TIN CANS"
PETER DURAND!
(cheers and applause)
MON DIEU!
YOU HAVE SOME NERVE,
SHOWING UP HERE
WITH YOUR FACE,
YOU THIEF!
(French accent) HERE'S THE JAG.
KEEP IT UP FRONT, WILL YOU?
MONSIEUR BROWN,
I BRING YOU A TIN OF FINE TUNA
FROM GENOA.
WOW, IT'S, UH--
IT'S RUSTY.
WELL, IT IS IRON.
WE COAT IT WITH TIN
TO PREVENT CORROSION.
OKAY.
IT IS OLD, BUT IT'S FINE.
YOU EAT!
IT IS NOT OLD,
IT IS DECREPIT!
LOOK AT IT DRIPPING
ALL ITS BADNESS!
THANK YOU FOR WARMING UP
THE ROOM FOR ME, NICK.
YOU MAY GO.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING
LIKE THIS?
YOU ARE NOT FRENCH.
YOU ARE ENGLISH!
I AM A CITIZEN
OF THE WORLD.
YOU ARE A THIEF
AND AN IMPOSTER!
NO!
PUT UP YOUR DUKES!
GENTLEMEN,
I'M NOT SURE...
COME ON, BRING IT!
THAT THIS IS
REALLY THE PLACE--
I WILL POUND YOU
INTO THE DIRT!
I WONDER IF MIKE DOUGLAS
HAD DAYS LIKE THIS.
¶
¶
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK
THAT AMERICANS INVENTED
CANNED TUNA,
CHECK THIS OUT.
ARISTOTLE WROTE OF SALTED TUNA
PRESERVED IN TERRA-COTTA JARS
BEING SOLD BY THE ANCIENT GREEKS
TO THE CARTHAGINIANS.
SO THERE.
OF COURSE, IF WE'VE
LEARNED ANYTHING HERE TODAY
THROUGH THE UNFORTUNATE
APPERT-DURAND INCIDENT,
IT IS THAT WHEN TUNA
GOES INTO A CAN,
IT HAS TO BE COOKED
AND THEN SEALED IN THE CAN
AND THEN COOKED AGAIN
IN A PROCESS CALLED RETORT
TO KILL
ANY LURKING MICROORGANISMS.
THE RESULTS
ARE MASSIVELY OVERCOOKED
AND, FRANKLY,
NOT VERY SATISFACTORY.
NOW TUNA SEALED
IN AIRTIGHT POUCHES
IS DIFFERENT,
BECAUSE POUCHES
OFFER MORE SURFACE AREA,
SO THAT SECOND COOKING CAN BE
DONE VERY, VERY QUICKLY,
'CAUSE THE HEAT
DOESN'T HAVE TO PENETRATE
A 4-INCH HOCKEY PUCK.
THE RESULT--
A PLEASING TEXTURE AND FLAVOR
THAT'S ALMOST LIKE FRESH.
AND OF COURSE,
POUCHES HAVE THE ADDED BENEFIT
OF NOT PERFORATING THE HANDLER
WITH--OH, THING.
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
THE FRESHER FLAVOR
OF POUCHED TUNA
CERTAINLY COMES THROUGH
IN HOT APPLICATIONS
SUCH AS MY CHILDHOOD FAVORITE
TUNA CROQUETTES.
CROQUETTES, CRO--OH.
WE BEGIN WITH A STANDARD
7-OUNCE PACKAGE/POUCH
OF ALBACORE TUNA,
DRAINED AND SHREDDED, PLEASE,
LIKE THIS.
(chuckles)
NONE'LL WEED SOME PROTEIN
TO HOLD THINGS TOGETHER,
AND THAT IS WHERE TWO LARGE EGGS
LIGHTLY BEATEN COME IN.
WE'LL ALSO NEED TO HOLD
SOME MOISTURE IN,
SO 1/4 CUP
OF JAPANESE-STYLE BREADCRUMBS
WILL BE VERY HANDY.
AS FOR FLAVOR,
WE'LL BRIGHTEN THINGS UP
WITH 1 TEASPOON
OF FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON JUICE.
ADD SOME TANG
WITH JUST A COUPLE
OF TEASPOONS OF DIJON.
YOU CAN EYEBALL THAT--
ABOUT THERE.
WE WILL HAVE 1/2 TEASPOON
OF KOSHER SALT--
THE FISH WILL NEED IT--
TWO GREEN ONIONS,
CHOPPED NICE AND FINE
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
A GOOD GRIND OF BLACK PEPPER.
THERE, NOW USE A SPATULA
AND BRING TOGETHER
BUT DON'T MASH IT INTO A PASTE.
NOW TO DOSE THAT OUT,
WE WILL USE
A 2-TABLESPOON--
AH, THERE IT IS--
OR A 1-OUNCE DISHER.
THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.
WE'RE ALSO GOING TO NEED
ONE SHEET PAN
AND SOME PARCHMENT PAPER.
THERE, THAT'S GOOD.
NOW JUST START DISHING 'EM OUT.
AND I LIKE TO KINDA USE
THE SPATULA
AND DISHER AT THE SAME TIME.
THERE, DON'T PACK IT IN.
THAT'S IMPORTANT.
NOW IF THERE IS A SECRET
TO MANUFACTURING CROQUETTES,
IT IS THIS--
THESE LITTLE GUYS MUST SIT
AND REST
FOR 15 MINUTES BEFORE MOVING OFF
TO THE BREADING STATION.
THAT WILL ALLOW TIME
FOR THE BREADCRUMBS
TO ABSORB WHATEVER
INTERNAL MOISTURE THEY CAN HOLD.
AND WHATEVER THEY CAN'T HOLD
WILL MIGRATE OUT ONTO THE PAPER.
THIS IS CRITICAL IF THESE GUYS
ARE GONNA HOLD THEIR SHAPE
IN THE PAN.
¶
REST TIME IS OVER.
IT IS TIME TO BREAD
OUR CROQUETTES.
I HAVE 1/2 CUP OF ADDITIONAL
JAPANESE BREADCRUMBS.
HERE'S HOW IT GOES.
¶
WITH ALL OF YOUR CROQUETTES
ASSEMBLED,
TIME TO FETCH DOWN A BIG OLD
12-INCH SKILLET, SLOPE SIDES,
OR SAUTE PAN, STRAIGHT SIDES.
YOU COULD DO THIS
IN A SMALLER VESSEL,
BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO WORK
IN BATCHES,
AND I JUST DON'T SEE
ANY REASON TO DO THAT.
SO THIS WILL GO
OVER MEDIUM HEAT.
NOW AS FAR AS LUBRICATION GOES,
I PREFER OLIVE OIL--
PLAIN OLD OLIVE OIL,
NOT EXTRA VIRGIN,
NOTHING FRUITY AND SPECIAL,
NO FANCY CONTAINERS,
NO EXPENSIVE FLAVORS
LOST TO HIGH HEAT.
NOW WE'RE GONNA USE JUST ENOUGH
TO COAT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN--
ABOUT A TABLESPOON.
THERE. WE DON'T WANT
ANY MORE THAN THAT,
BECAUSE IT'LL START TO SPLATTER,
AND IT'LL GET NASTY ON US.
THERE. ONCE WE'VE GOT
JUST A BIT OF A SHIMMER,
MOVE THESE GUYS OVER.
AND YOU WANT TO USE
AS THIN A SPATULA
AS YOU HAVE,
SO THEY WON'T FALL APART.
KEEP 'EM SEPARATED,
AND I'M GONNA WORK
IN KIND OF A CIRCLE HERE.
THERE SHOULDN'T BE
A LOT OF SIZZLING YET.
WE WANT THE COOKING
TO BE RELATIVELY SLOW.
AND WE DON'T WANT THEM
TO TOUCH.
NOW ORDINARILY I WOULD SAY
TO COOK THIS UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN
AND DELICIOUS
AND THEN FLIP AND REPEAT,
BUT WE REALLY NEED TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE INSIDE
IS THOROUGHLY COOKED,
SO WE'RE GONNA GO
FOR A 3-MINUTE COOK TIME.
IF DURING THAT TIME
THE UNDERSIDE STARTS TO LOOK
TOO GOLDEN BROWN AND DELICIOUS,
TURN DOWN THE HEAT.
THREE MINUTES--
THAT'S OUR TARGET.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT TOO ROUGH,
FLIPPING SHOULD BE PRETTY EASY
BECAUSE THE BREADCRUMB
ON THE BOTTOM
HAS NOW THOROUGHLY SET.
(beeps)
MMM, DELICIOUS!
AND IF SOME OF THE RANTS
COMING OUT OF THE POPULAR PRESS
ARE CORRECT--
TERRIBLY DANGEROUS TO BOOT.
THE POSSIBLE PROBLEM--
MERCURY!
AH, COOL STUFF, MERCURY--
I REMEMBER MY GRANDPARENTS
HAD A BIG JAR OF IT,
AND I WOULD POUR IT OUT
AND PLAY WITH IT FOR HOURS.
UNFORTUNATELY, NOW WE KNOW
THAT IT IS EASILY ABSORBED
INTO THE BODY, EVEN BY THE SKIN,
AND THAT CAN CAUSE
SERIOUS PROBLEMS,
WHICH IS WHY WE COULDN'T
ACTUALLY GET AHOLD OF ANY.
SO HOW IS IT THAT MERCURY
GETS INTO OUR FISH?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
MERCURY NATURALLY OCCURS
IN MANY ROCKS, LIKE COAL.
BURN THE COAL IN, SAY,
A POWER PLANT
AND THE MERCURY GOES SKYWARD
FROM THE PLANT'S SMOKESTACKS.
PRECIPITATION CARRIES IT
BACK TO THE GROUND,
WHERE STREAMS AND RIVERS
THEN MOVE IT INTO THE SEA.
THERE IT IS SET UPON
BY BACTERIA,
WHICH TURNS IT INTO FAR MORE
DANGEROUS METHYL MERCURY.
MICROSCOPIC AMOUNTS END UP
IN SMALL FISH,
WHICH ARE CONSUMED
BY MEDIUM FISH,
WHICH ARE THEN CONSUMED
BY LARGER PREDATORS
INCLUDING BIG TUNA, WHICH,
DUE TO THEIR LONG LIFE SPANS,
TEND TO STORE UP MORE MERCURY
IN THEIR BODIES THAN OTHER FISH.
WE EAT THEM. SOME SMALL PORTION
OF THE MERCURY BECOMES OURS
FOR A LONG TIME.
¶
SO HERE WE HAVE
THIS POWERFUL PANTRY PAL,
CHOCK FULL
OF CULINARY POSSIBILITIES
AND NUTRITIONAL GOODNESS, WHICH
MOST OF US GREW UP MUNCHING,
THAT COULD POSSIBLY, MAYBE,
BE DANGEROUS TO--WHO?
HIGH LEVELS OF MERCURY
IN THE BLOODSTREAM
OF UNBORN BABIES
AND YOUNG CHILDREN
MAY HARM THE DEVELOPING
NERVOUS SYSTEM.
WITH THIS IN MIND,
THE FDA...
AND THE EPA--
HAVE DESIGNED AN ADVISORY
FOR CHILDREN, PREGNANT WOMEN,
NURSING MOTHERS
AND WOMEN CONSIDERING
BECOMING PREGNANT
IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
ONE--AVOID CONSUMING SHARKS,
SWORDFISH, KING MACKEREL
OR TILEFISH, WHICH CAN CONTAIN
HIGH LEVELS OF MERCURY.
TWO--CONSUME UP
TO 12 OUNCES A WEEK...
APPROXIMATELY TWO MEALS.
OF A VARIETY OF FISH
AND SHELLFISH
THAT ARE LOWER IN MERCURY,
SUCH AS CANNED LIGHT TUNA.
OH, YOU KNOW, REMEMBER,
CANNED LIGHT TUNA,
MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,
MEANS SKIPJACK,
A RELATIVELY SMALL VARIETY
THAT DOESN'T GROW BIG ENOUGH
OR LIVE LONG ENOUGH
TO ACCUMULATE MUCH MERCURY.
ALBACORE OR WHITE TUNA CAN
CONTAIN MORE MERCURY
THAN CANNED LIGHT TUNA,
SO WHEN CHOOSING YOUR TWO MEALS
OF FISH AND SHELLFISH...
WE RECOMMEND YOU CONSUME
UP TO 6 OUNCES
OF ALBACORE TUNA
PER WEEK.
YELLOWFIN AND BLUEFIN TUNA
CAN HARBOR EVEN HIGHER LEVELS
OF THE STUFF.
BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT TUNA
IS A TREASURE TROVE
OF NUTRITION,
INCLUDING VITAMIN D--
SELENIUM--
PROTEIN--
AND OMEGA-3 FATTY ACIDS--
WHICH ARE CRITICAL
TO THE DEVELOPMENT
OF SOUND MINDS
AND STRONG BODIES.
SO BE A GOOD TYKE
AND EAT YOUR TUNA.
WELL, HEY, HOW ABOUT ME?
GIVEN YOUR AGE
AND WEIGHT,
YOU CAN EAT
ALL YOU WANT.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S
DOING THAT ALREADY.
FOR DECADES,
AMERICAN DIETERS
HAVE TURNED TO HIGH-PROTEIN
LOW-FAT CANNED TUNA
TO SHED THE POUNDS.
THAT NEVER REALLY
WORKED FOR ME.
YOU EAT CANNED TUNA?
I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE THAT'S CREEPY.
THE PROBLEM IS MOST AMERICANS
MIX IN GOBS OF MAYONNAISE--
NOT EXACTLY
A REDUCTIVE INGREDIENT.
NOW DOWN RIVIERA WAY,
THE FRENCH DINE
UPON A FUSSY TUNA SALAD
CALLED SALAD NICOISE,
WHICH FEATURES CANNED TUNA
ALONG WITH RAW GREEN BEANS,
OLIVES, POTATOES
AND HARD-COOKED EGGS.
NOW WHAT DO RAW GREEN BEANS
HAVE TO DO WITH SALAD?
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, THESE ARE
THE PEOPLE THAT THINK
JERRY LEWIS
IS A GENIUS.
AND WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
"THE GEISHA BOY"?
YOU KNOW, THAT SAID,
I'M NOT A BIG FAN
OF SALAD NICOISE,
BUT I AM A FAN OF THE TUNA
THAT OFTEN GOES INTO IT.
IT'S A SPECIAL CANNED TUNA
CALLED VENTRESCA,
WHICH COMES FROM
THE ITALIAN WORD FOR BELLY.
AND YOU CAN TELL BY LOOKING
AT THE GRAIN STRUCTURE
THAT IT IS DEFINITELY
A DIFFERENT BEAST.
THE BEST EXAMPLES OF THIS
COME FROM SPAIN.
TO BE HONEST, I WOULD
RATHER EAT THIS TUNA
THAN ANY OTHER KIND.
EVEN MORE THAN MASSAGED
SAKE-FED BLUEFIN?
EVEN MORE THAN THAT.
WHAT'S ESPECIALLY NICE TO FIND
IS THAT, ALTHOUGH IT'S PRICEY,
IT IS BECOMING EASIER
TO FIND IN THE U.S.,
THANKS
TO THE GOOD OLD INTERNET.
NOW I SAY THAT WE TAKE THIS TUNA
BACK TO AMERICA,
AND WE MAKE OURSELVES
A TUNA SALAD
THAT WILL NOT ONLY BE
NUTRITIONALLY SOUND,
BUT WILL ALSO BE
SOPHISTICATED--
THE KIND OF THING YOU MIGHT USE
TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS
OR SCARE YOUR ENEMIES.
NOW THE FIRST STEP IS
WE NEED TO DRAIN THIS TUNA,
WHILE KEEPING IT AS INTACT
AS POSSIBLE.
THAT'S PART OF THE CHARM
OF THIS STUFF.
SO WE'LL JUST KIND OF WORK IT
OUT OF THE CAN.
AND RESERVE THE OIL,
'CAUSE IT IS MIGHTY TASTY STUFF.
STASH THIS IN THE CHILL CHEST
WHILE YOU ASSEMBLE THE REST
OF THE PARTS LIST.
NOW YOU MIGHT WANT
TO EAT THIS DISH AS A SALAD,
BUT THEN YOU MIGHT WANT
TO EAT IT AS A LITTLE WRAP.
THAT WILL NECESSITATE
A FLEXIBLE BASE LAYER,
LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
BUTTER LETTUCE LEAVES,
WHICH YOU WILL WISH TO RINSE
AND PAT DRY.
IT WILL ALSO REQUIRE
ONE RED OR ORANGE BELL PEPPER,
A CHOPPED HARD-COOKED EGG,
SOME CAPERS
AND, IF YOU HAVE 'EM,
SOME MICROGREENS.
ALSO--
LUSCIOUS BLACK LAVA
SEA SALT,
WHICH GETS ITS DISTINCT COLOR
AND SUBTLE EARTHY FLAVOR
FROM THE ADDITION
OF PURIFIED BLACK LAVA
AND ACTIVATED CHARCOAL.
I KEEP THIS STUFF AROUND
BECAUSE I THINK IT LOOKS COOL.
YOU CAN GET IT ONLINE
OR AT GOURMET STORES,
OR YOU CAN SKIP IT
AND JUST USE COARSE SEA SALT.
OH, YOU'RE ALSO GOING TO NEED
ONE SHALLOT,
WHICH IS A LOT EASIER TO FIND.
¶
ALTHOUGH IT IS
CERTAINLY SOPHISTICATED,
THIS SALAD IS NOT IN ANY WAY
FASHION OR FORM FUSSY.
AND OF COURSE, SINCE IT'S A...
TUNA SALAD, THE POUNDS
ARE GONNA DROP RIGHT OFF.
POUNDS ARE MELTING,
DROPPING RIGHT OFF--OH, BOTHER.
¶
IF YOU'RE INTO
CLASSICAL ITALIAN CUISINE,
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD
OF THE PECULIAR YET DELICIOUS
VITELLO TONNATA
OR COLD VEAL AND TUNA SAUCE.
NOW I'M NOT A BIG VEAL FAN,
BUT I AM A BIG FAN
OF TUNA SAUCE,
WHICH WITH THE PROPER
ACIDIC ADDITIVES
CAN BECOME ONE OF THE HEALTHIEST
AND CREAMIEST
DIP-SALAD DRESSING-BREAKFAST
SPREAD-CAR WAXES AROUND.
NOW ONCE AGAIN,
I'M GOING TO REACH
FOR THE POUCHED PRODUCT,
WHICH HAS BECOME
MY EVERYDAY TUNA.
TO THAT WE WILL ADD
1/4 CUP OF MAYONNAISE--
HOMEMADE WOULD BE BEST--
A COUPLE OF TABLESPOONS
OF RED WINE VINEGAR,
A TABLESPOON
OF FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON JUICE,
ONE TABLESPOON OF OLIVE OIL,
A TABLESPOON OF CAPERS
ALONG WITH THEIR JUICE
AND A COUPLE OF GRINDS
OF BLACK PEPPER.
EVERYTHING GOES
INTO THE WORK BOWL
OF YOUR FOOD PROCESSOR.
OF COURSE,
THAT'S A LITTLE TOO BIG,
SO IF YOUR FOOD PROCESSOR HAS
THAT LITTLE WORK BOWL INSERT,
YOU'LL WANT TO USE IT.
NOW THE OBVIOUS CHOICE
FOR THIS SAUCE
IS TO DRESS YOUR FAVORITE
SALAD GREENS WITH IT,
BUT I SAY WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT INVITE IT
TO YOUR NEXT CRUDITES
OR SPREAD IT
ON YOUR MORNING TOAST.
TOSS IT WITH PASTA
AND VEGETABLES FOR PASTA SALAD.
HECK, IT'S EVEN A GREAT DUNK
FOR GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.
OKAY, IT'S NOT GREAT
AT EVERYTHING,
BUT, HEY,
IF YOU HAVE ANY LEFT OVER,
YOU CAN STORE IT
IN AN AIRTIGHT CONTAINER
IN THE FRIDGE
FOR UP TO FOUR DAYS.
ALVIN, YOU WERE RIGHT.
AS LONG AS WE'VE GOT A PANTRY
FULL OF CANNED AND POUCHED TUNA,
WE WILL NEVER RUN OUT
OF CULINARY POSSIBILITIES.
THANKS, MAN.
DON'T MENTION IT, KID.
LISTEN, I GOTTA
CATCH A CURRENT.
WHERE YOU HEADED?
SPAIN. SEE, I'M THINKING
IF I CAN'T MAKE IT
IN THE POUCH MARKET,
I'M GONNA TURN
SOME OF THIS PAUNCH
INTO THAT FANCY
VENTRESCA STUFF.
SURE, SURE.
HEY, ALVIN, WHY IS IT YOU
ANTHROPOMORPHIZED FOOD MASCOTS
ALWAYS WANT SOMEBODY
TO EAT YOU?
IT'S JUST THE WAY
WE'RE WIRED.
BESIDES, WHO WOULDN'T WANT
TO END UP AS GOOD EATS?
HEY, YEAH!
SEE YOU LATER, MAN!
BYE!
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I'M MORE THAN HAPPY
TO STAY ON THE HANDLE END
OF THE FORK,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WELL, I HOPE THAT WE'VE
INSPIRED YOU TO--
YOU KNOW.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.