Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 12, Episode 2 - Celeryman - full transcript
nd that's it
for your weekend forecast.
Say, kids, you know
what time it is?
That's right, it's time
to make that random call
and ask today's
$10,000 question.
Ooh, and it's a toughie.
Name the only common plant
that's a vegetable, a starch
an herb and a spice.
Ohh, that is really,
really tough.
All right, let's go
to the phones.
(phone ringing)
HELLO?
Hello, sir.
For $10,000--
(indistinct)
Excuse me?
(indistinct)
Look, I think we called you
at a bad time.
(speaking indistinctly)
No, no, no, that wasn't
quite the answer
we were looking for.
Well, bye-bye. Bye now.
Well, we don't get
a winner today,
but believe it or not,
the answer is celery.
I know, I never do anything
but put peanut butter on it,
but it turns out that humble rib
is a lot more versatile
than we thought.
In fact, celery really is...
¶
¶ GOOD EATS ¶
Closed Captions provided
by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
APIUM GRAVELOLENS--
CELERY--
A MEMBER OF THE PARSLEY FAMILY,
IS CERTAINLY
ONE OF THE MOST VERSATILE BITS
OF VEGETATION IN THIS STORE,
ALTHOUGH IT RARELY GETS
THE RESPECT
THAT IT SO RICHLY DESERVES.
NOW THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO,
AROUND THE MEDITERRANEAN
AND CHINA,
CELERY WAS A BITTER HERB
WITH SKINNY LITTLE RIBS.
IT WAS USED STRICTLY
FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES
AND SUPPOSEDLY AS A POWERFUL
APHRODISI--WELL, YOU KNOW.
UH, NOW THE GREEKS USED CELERY
MUCH AS THE ROMANS
USED LAUREL LEAVES--
AS GARLANDS FOR THEIR ATHLETES,
WHO ARE ALSO REFRESHED
WITH CELERY WINE,
WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY INVIGORATING INDEED.
HOMER MENTIONED CELERY,
OR SELINON, IN "THE ODYSSEY,"
WHICH IS ABOUT AS GREEK
AS YOU CAN GET
WITHOUT JOINING A FRATERNITY.
NOW BY THE 16th CENTURY, THE
ORIGINAL WILD FORM OF CELERY
HAD BEEN DEVELOPED OUT
INTO THREE DISTINCT VARIETIES.
ONE WAS A LEAFY VARIETY,
WHICH IS STILL AVAILABLE
IN CHINA AND PARTS OF EUROPE,
BUT RARELY IN AMERICA.
THEN THERE'S GOOD
OLD-FASHIONED RIB CELERY.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED
THAT HERE IN AMERICA,
DUTCH FARMERS WHO SETTLED IN
AND AROUND KALAMAZOO, MICHIGAN,
WERE THE NATION'S
FIRST SERIOUS CELERY FARMERS.
SEE, BACK THEN, THERE WAS PLENTY
OF MUCKY BUT RICH LAND UP THERE,
AND THE DUTCH HAD
THE EXPERIENCE,
AND, OF COURSE,
THE WOODEN SHOES TO TACKLE IT.
BY THE 1890s, FARMERS WERE
ACTUALLY BOARDING LOCAL TRAINS
TO HAND OUT SAMPLES OF THE CROP.
WONDER HOW THAT LOOKED.
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE
ARE THE CELERY STALKING.
IF EVERYBODY
SITS DOWN,
SHUTS UP AND GRABS
A RIB OF CELERY,
NOBODY'S
GONNA GET HURT.
THANK YOU.
HEY, WHAT
ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
DIDN'T YOUR MAMA TELL YOU
IT'S NOT POLITE TO STARE?
WE DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE,
MR. DUTCH FARMER MAN.
I'LL--I'LL TAKE THAT.
YOU MAKE SURE
YOU EAT THAT.
I-I WILL.
IT'S DELICIOUS.
OF COURSE, BACK THEN, CELERY
WAS STILL PRETTY BITTER STUFF,
SO THEY BLANCHED THE CROP.
THAT IS, THEY PLACED
A BROWN PAPER BAG ON IT
WHILE IT MATURED
IN THE GROUND.
THE THIRD VARIETY OF CELERY
WAS DEVELOPED SPECIFICALLY
FOR ITS ENLARGED ROOT-BALL,
WHICH WE CALL,
CLEVERLY ENOUGH, CELERY ROOT,
OR CELERIAC,
WHICH IS NOT VERY POPULAR
IN THE UNITED STATES.
WHY? WELL, COULD IT BE
BECAUSE IT LOOKS
LIKE A BIG, OLD...
WATCH THIS.
(screams)
OOH, HOW DISGUSTING.
HUH?
TYPICAL AMERICAN REACTION.
IF IT'S UGLY ON THE OUTSIDE,
IT CAN'T POSSIBLY
BE GOOD ON THE INSIDE.
WELL, DESPITE
ITS RUGGED EXTERIOR,
BELIEVE ME, THE CELERY ROOT
IS CRISP, IT IS NUT-LIKE
AND HAS THE FLAVOR
OF CLEAN, PURE CELERY.
(groans and whimpers)
WHAT? WHAT I--
OHH.
STORING CELERY ROOT IS EASY.
JUST TWIST IT UP IN A COUPLE
LAYERS OF PLASTIC WRAP
AND REFRIGERATE
FOR UP TO A MONTH.
AS FOR RIB CELERY,
MOISTER MEANS FRESHER,
SO I LIKE TO GIVE IT
THE FLOWER VASE TREATMENT
WITH A LITTLE WATER
IN A HALVED SODA BOTTLE.
PLASTIC SHOWER CAP
MAKES A VERY NICE TOPPER.
NOW SINCE YOU'VE
GOT THE MOST TO PROVE,
YOU GO FIRST.
STEP ONE--DON'T WASH IT.
OH, YOU'LL BE TEMPTED TO,
BUT IT WILL ONLY MAKE
PEELING IT HARDER,
AS A SLICK AND SLIMY EXTERIOR
WILL RESULT.
YOUR BEST TOOL
IS TO GO AFTER IT
WITH A HEAVY-DUTY PEELER, OKAY?
BUT EVEN GETTING IN WITH THIS
IS GONNA BE TOUGH,
SO THE FIRST THING I DO
IS I ALWAYS QUARTER THESE GUYS
WITH A NICE SERRATED KNIFE.
THAT WAY YOU CAN
WORK ON THE BOARD
AND KEEP THINGS STABLE.
BUT THIS MEANS
THAT YOU CAN FINALLY
KIND OF GET IN ON A--
ON A CORNER WITH--
WITH YOUR PEELER.
THERE. AND JUST WORK AROUND IT.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
(Alton) NOW AS YOU GET
EACH ONE OF THESE CLEAN,
TO KEEP IT FROM BROWNING IN
THE AIR, STASH IT IN SOME WATER
LACED WITH A LITTLE
LEMON JUICE OR VINEGAR.
NOW MY FAVORITE
CELERY ROOT APPLICATION
REQUIRES MATCHSTICK CUTS,
AND ALTHOUGH I COULD TO THAT
WITH A KNIFE IF I FELT LIKE IT,
I'D RATHER TAKE THE EASY ROUTE
AND USE A SLICER
WITH A MATCHSTICK BLADE,
WHICH OF COURSE NECESSITATES,
AS ALWAYS, THE HAND GUARD.
WE DON'T WANT
ANY INJURIES HERE.
SO WE'RE GONNA CUT
ONE CELERY ROOT--
THAT'S ABOUT 1 POUND--
INTO MATCHSTICKS,
JUST LIKE THIS.
AWW, THEY'RE PRETTY.
NEXT, WE'LL NEED A DRESSING--
1 1/2 TABLESPOONS EACH
FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON JUICE
AND DIJON MUSTARD,
WHICH WILL BE EASIER TO MEASURE
IF YOU DUMP IT
IN THE LEMON JUICE,
A FEW TURNS OF PEPPER,
1/4 TEASPOON OF SALT,
AND THEN WE WILL BRING TO THE
PARTY 3/4 CUP OF CREME FRAICHE.
(trumpets blowing)
AHH, THAT SOUND
MEANS THAT CREME FRAICHE
IS OUR INGREDIENT OF THE DAY.
NOW IT IS A SLIGHTLY FERMENTED
HEAVY CREAM FROM FRANCE,
AND UP UNTIL A COUPLE OF YEARS
AGO, IT WAS ONLY AVAILABLE
AT FANCY FRENCH FOOD STORES,
BUT THESE DAYS, IT'S AVAILABLE
AT A LOT OF YOUR LARGER
AMERICAN MEGA-MARTS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET HOLD OF IT,
IT'S WORTH MAKING YOURSELF.
JUST GET A CLEAN JAR AND COMBINE
3 PARTS OF HEAVY CREAM--
IT'S GOT TO BE HEAVY CREAM--
WITH 1 PART GOOD-QUALITY YOGURT
WITH ACTIVE CULTURES,
OR BACTERIA.
COVER, SET IN A WARM CORNER
OF YOUR KITCHEN FOR 12 HOURS,
OR UNTIL
IT IS SLIGHTLY THICKENED.
THAT'S CREME FRAICHE.
AFTER THAT,
STASH IT IN THE FRIDGE
TO HALT THE MARCH
OF BACTERIAL ACTION.
IT'LL KEEP FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS,
AND IT IS WORTH THE TROUBLE,
BELIEVE ME.
SO WHISK YOUR DRESSING TOGETHER,
ADD THE CELERY ROOT, TOSS
AND THEN COVER AND REFRIGERATE
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS
BEFORE SERVING.
¶
¶
CELERIAC REMOULADE,
A CELEBRATED
FRENCH BISTRO STANDARD.
THINK OF IT
AS AN ALTERNATIVE SLAW,
SERVED WITH ROASTED POULTRY
OR A STEAK.
IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO PUT THE MON DIEU
INTO YOUR FRENCH FRIENDS,
PUT IT ON A HOT DOG.
NOW WHEN CONTEMPLATING
THE CULINARY OPTIONS
OF A NEW AND FAIRLY
UNKNOWN INGREDIENT,
OCCASIONALLY IT HELPS
TO LOOK AT ITS INGREDIENTS.
NOW AS YOU CAN SEE,
CELERY ROOT CONTAINS
A FAIR AMOUNT OF STARCH
AND FAR LESS OF THE FIBER
THAT GIVES RIB CELERY
ITS DENTAL FLOSS DEMEANOR.
THIS, MARRIED WITH THE ROOT'S
SUBTLE, NUTTY FLAVOR,
MAKES IT IDEAL
FOR PRODUCING A PUREE.
WE WILL REQUIRE THREE HEADS,
APPROXIMATELY 2 1/2
TO 3 POUNDS OF CELERIAC.
WE'RE GONNA QUARTER THEM,
JUST AS BEFORE,
AND PEEL THEM, JUST AS BEFORE,
AND IT'LL MAKE A BIG MESS,
JUST AS BEFORE.
AND YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
YOUR CLEANED PIECES,
JUST LIKE BEFORE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA PUT THEM
IN SOME ACIDULATED WATER--
YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE BEFORE.
NOW WHEN YOU'VE
GOT ALL YOUR PIECES
DUMPED ON THE FLOOR LIKE THAT,
WE'RE GOING
TO CUBE THOSE QUARTERS
INTO BASICALLY 1/2-INCH CUBES.
IF YOU WISH TO CUBE
YOUR CELERY ROOT
FOR LATER PUREEING,
GO AHEAD AND STASH THESE GUYS
IN CLEAN ACIDULATED WATER
TO PREVENT BROWNING.
IF YOU PLAN ON PUREEING
RIGHT AWAY, DON'T BOTHER.
NOW FETCH DOWN YOUR FAVORITE
4-QUART SAUCEPAN
AND PLACE IT OVER LOW HEAT
AND ADD A TABLESPOON
OF PLAIN OLD OLIVE OIL.
DON'T BREAK OUT THAT FANCY,
FRUITY EXTRA VIRGIN STUFF.
THE HEAT WILL SIMPLY DEFLOWER
IT, IF YOU GET MY MEANING.
NOW WHEN SAID LIPID
BEGINS TO SHIMMER,
GO AHEAD AND DUMP IN
ALL OF YOUR BIG,
UGLY ROOT PIECES,
ALONG WITH FOUR CLOVES
OF GARLIC,
PEELED, OF COURSE,
AND SLICED THIN,
A TEASPOON OF KOSHER SALT
AND ABOUT 1/4 TEASPOON
OF FRESHLY GROUND BLACK PEPPER.
NOW JUST STIR AND COOK,
COOK AND STIR,
UNTIL THE CELERY ROOT
JUST BEGINS TO SOFTEN.
FIGURE ON FIVE MINUTES,
DEPENDING, OF COURSE,
ON THE RIPENESS
OF YOUR PARTICULAR SPECIMENS.
NOW WHEN THE PIECES
ARE JUST SOFT LIKE THIS,
GONNA BOOST THE HEAT
TO MEDIUM-HIGH
AND ADD 5 CUPS
OF NICE, CLEAN, FRESH WATER.
THERE.
NOW KEEP STIRRING
UNTIL THIS COMES TO A BOIL.
WHEN IT DOES REACH A BOIL,
TURN THE HEAT DOWN
SO YOU CAN MAINTAIN A SIMMER
FOR 20 TO 22 MINUTES.
THEN CAREFULLY
REMOVE IT TO YOUR COLANDER
AND DRAIN.
I'LL TAKE A LOOK HERE,
JUST SEE HOW THAT'S DONE--
YEAH. PERFECT. IT'LL MASH EASY.
THAT'S WHAT WE WANT.
NOW WHILE THOSE DRAIN,
2 TABLESPOONS
OF UNSALTED BUTTER
WILL GO INTO 1/4 CUP
OF NICE HEAVY CREAM
IN THE MICROWAVE,
AND BLAST THAT JUST LONG ENOUGH
FOR THE BUTTER TO MELT.
THE COOK MUST ALWAYS
BE VERY CAUTIOUS
WHEN PUREEING STARCHY FOODS.
THE PHYSICAL POWER DOSED OUT
BY A FOOD PROCESSOR,
BLENDER OR EVEN A STAND MIXER
CAN TAKE THIS CUBE
STRAIGHT TO THE GLUEY,
NASTY PHASE
WITHOUT STOPPING
AT THE PLEASANTLY WHIPPED PHASE,
WHERE WE'D LIKE
TO GET OFF THE BUS.
THERE IS, HOWEVER, ONE TOOL
THAT CAN DO THE JOB.
ANYTIME YOU SHOP
FOR A KITCHEN APPLIANCE,
IT CAN BE A LITTLE BIT TRICKY,
BUT ONCE YOU SLAP ON A MOTOR,
CONFUSION IS ALL BUT GUARANTEED.
NOW I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD FEELING
THAT OUR OLD FRIEND W
WILL BE ABLE
TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS THAT WE
HAVE ABOUT IMMERSION BLENDERS,
BUT BELIEVE ME, SHE'S GONNA BE
A LOT MORE COOPERATIVE
IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S ME.
(clears throat)
OH, CAN I HELP YOU?
(English accent)
WHY, YES, I WAS HOPING
YOU COULD STEER ME TOWARDS
ONE OF THOSE LONG, SPINNY,
BLENDERY KIND OF
STICK DEVICES.
AN IMMERSION BLENDER?
HA! THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT EXACTLY.
I COULD SEE YOU ARE AS SMART
AS YOU ARE PRETTY.
OHH. OH, THANK YOU.
UM, THIS WAY.
HMM. WE HAVE SEVERAL
MODELS TO CHOOSE FROM.
HMM.
INDEED YOU DO. LET'S JUST
CUT TO THE CHASE.
SHOW ME THE ONE
WITH THE HIGHEST WATTAGE.
DID SOMEONE
SAY WATTAGE?
MORE WATTS MEANS
MORE POWER, YOU KNOW.
HECK, YES,
IT DOES.
WHEN I WAS
IN COLLEGE,
I HAD A 6,000-WATT
STEREO IN MY DORM.
NO KIDDING.
I SENT OUT FOR A SPECIAL
300-WATT CORDLESS DRILL.
AWESOME.
EXCELLENT. SO WHAT'LL
IT BE, LITTLE LADY?
YEAH, COME ON.
SHOW US YOUR WATTS.
WHAT IS IT WITH BOYS
AND WATTAGE?
I BET THERE'S
NOT EVEN A ONE OF YOU
THAT CAN TELL ME
WHAT IT MEANS. CAN YOU?
IT--IT MEANS
LOUDER?
YEAH, LOUDER.
ENERGY FLOW IS
AN EXPRESSION OF POWER.
AND THE WORD
"WATT"...
NOW WHICH COMES
FROM JAMES WATT,
THE FAMOUS
STEAM ENGINE INNOVATOR.
EXPRESSES THE RATE
OF ENERGY FLOW,
WHICH MEANS A 200-WATT
MOTOR CAN CONSUME
MORE ELECTRICAL ENERGY
PER SECOND
THAN A 100-WATT
MOTOR.
THAT MEANS IT'S GOT
MORE POWER, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH.
BUT WHAT REALLY
MATTERS IS THE RATIO
OF WATTS OUT
TO AMPERES.
OH, OKAY, GUYS.
LOOK, A 500-WATT MOTOR
MAY BE VERY CAPABLE,
BUT WHAT REALLY
MATTERS
IS THE ENTIRE
SYSTEM AND DESIGN
THAT IS CONNECTED
TO IT.
TAKE THIS
IMMERSION BLENDER.
IT ONLY
HAS 240 WATTS...
(men scoff)
BUT--BUT! IT'S
HIGHLY CONTROLLABLE
WITH THE NINE SPEEDS
AND A SUPERIOR
BLADE DESIGN.
HMM.
AND IT HAS
A REMOVABLE METAL SHAFT
THAT CAN WITHSTAND
EXTREMELY HIGH TEMPERATURES
AND IS EASY
TO CLEAN.
(men mutter)
OKAY, WELL,
JUST THINK OF IT
AS A BORGWARNER 256 HOOKED
TO A '69 H.D...
(men) HO, HO. YEAH.
¶
WITH THE RIGHT TOOL IN HAND,
WE'RE READY TO BLEND.
WHEN YOU'RE
ABOUT HALFWAY TO MASH,
GO AHEAD AND ADD THE BUTTER
AND CREAM MIXTURE,
AND WORK UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
A SMOOTH
YET STILL CHUNKY CONSISTENCY.
MMM. IT'S LIKE A-A BIG,
NUTTY, SLIGHTLY SWEET BOWL
OF MASHED POTATOES,
AND I COULD JUST EAT
THESE THINGS BY THE BOWLFUL.
OF COURSE, IF YOU WANT TO SERVE
ALONG WITH SOMETHING ELSE,
YOU MIGHT TRY SOMETHING
ROASTED IN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT--
A NICE, JUICY STEAK, PERHAPS,
OR SOME GAME--
WILD, IF YOU CAN GET IT.
OF COURSE, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
BE REALLY NICE RIGHT NOW,
WOULD BE A BEVERAGE.
¶
¶
¶
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOYS AND GIRLS,
YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELVES
NOT TO MISS OUT
ON THE PREVENTATIVE
AND CURATIVE POWERS
OF FUZZMUCKERS
FAMOUS CELERY TONIC.
HEY, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL
ABOUT CELERY?
MADAM, I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED.
WHY, IN HIS MONUMENTAL
1747 TREATISE
"FARMOCOPEA UNIVERSALIS,"
PHYSICIAN ROBERT JAMES REVEALED
THAT THROUGH THE AGES,
CELERY HAS BEEN USED
AS A DIURETIC,
A DIGESTIVE AID,
AN ACTI-LACTOGEN ANA-CARMINITIVE
GENERAL TONIC AS WELL
AS AN APHRODISI--
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT SHOULD BE THE TENT POLE
OF ANY NUTRITIONAL PROGRAM.
WILL IT HELP
MY RHEUMATISM?
RHEUMATISM?
MADAM, DO I APPEAR TO SUFFER
FROM SAID AFFLICTION?
NO, BUT...
HELL, DO YOU THINK
THAT'S BY COINCIDENCE?
$1 A BOTTLE
FOR FUZZMUCKERS
GUARANTEED CELERY TONIC.
GUARANTEED
TO DO WHAT?
GUARANTEED TO DO--
WHY, WHATEVER NEEDS DOING,
OF COURSE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IN THE ORIENT,
CELERY IS USED
STRICTLY AS A MEDICINAL.
WHY, IN IRAN, THEY--ITS SEEDS
ARE BOILED DOWN TO EXTRACT
THE ESSENTIAL OIL, APIOL,
THE FUMES OF WHICH ARE INHALED
TO RELIEVE HEADACHES.
WILL IT GROW
MY HAIR BACK?
SIR, TRY ONE ON THE HOUSE.
RUB IT ON YOUR SCALP
AND DRINK THE REST.
GREAT SCOTT, WHAT'S THAT?
I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING.
LOOK, HE'S GOT HAIR.
IT'S A MIRACLE!
IT'S NOT A MIRACLE,
IT'S FUZZMUCKERS--
ONLY 2 BUCKS A BOTTLE.
STEP RIGHT UP.
STEP RIGHT UP WHILE THEY LAST,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
(woman) I'LL HAVE TWO.
THAT'S RIGHT,
THERE'S PLENTY TO GO AROUND.
PHEW.
CELERY TONICS HAVE BEEN AROUND
FOR AT LEAST A CENTURY,
THOUGH THE F.D.A. EVENTUALLY
FORCED THE MANUFACTURERS
TO DOWNGRADE THE WORD
TONIC TO SODA
BECAUSE OF THE "UNPROVEN"
MEDICAL IMPLICATIONS.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
PITTSBURGH, SUNDAY,
DON'T BE LATE.
WHATEVER.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT REALLY
POSSESSES ANY MAGICAL CURES,
BUT I DO KNOW
THAT THERE
IS SOME MAGICAL FLAVOR
IN THESE LITTLE SEEDS.
AHH. BEHOLD
THE MIGHTY CELERY SEED,
THE SPICE THAT IS THE KEY
TO MY CONSIDERABLE SUCCESS.
YOU KNOW, BESIDES RHODE ISLAND,
WHERE GERMAN IMMIGRANTS ADDED IT
TO A VERY FAMOUS
SEAFOOD BOIL RECIPE,
IN CHICAGO, WHERE AGAIN,
GERMANS STARTED
SPRINKLING IT ON HOT DOGS,
AMERICANS, BY AND LARGE,
DO NOT PAY THIS POWERHOUSE
ANY RESPECT.
WE'RE GONNA FIX THAT.
OH, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME
TO MAKE UP
ANOTHER BATCH OF FUZZMUCKERS,
SO YOU MIGHT
AS WELL STICK AROUND.
WE'LL DO A SMALL,
HOME-ORIENTED TYPE OF BATCH.
WHAT WE'LL NEED IS 2 TABLESPOONS
OF CELERY SEED, GROUND.
AND I USUALLY USE
JUST A BLADE-STYLE
COFFEE GRINDER F
HIS. T
AND I USUALLY USE
I KEEP ONE AROUND
JUST FOR SPICES, DON'T YOU KNOW.
THERE. THAT SHOULD DO IT.
WE DON'T WANT IT
TOO FINELY GROUND.
THERE. THAT'LL DO IT.
NOW WE MOVE TO THE SYRUP.
BY SYRUP, OF COURSE,
I MEAN A SIMPLE SYRUP,
WHICH IS A VERY
POWERFUL CONCOCTION,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE INTO
THE MANUFACTURE OF COCKTAILS.
NOW IF FOLLOWS
A VERY SPECIFIC RATIO,
WHICH IS TWO TO ONE, BY VOLUME,
SUGAR TO WATER.
SO 2 CUPS OF JUST PLAIN,
OLD SUGAR
AND 1 CUP
OF EQUALLY PLAIN H2O.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
YOU CAN DISSOLVE
2 CUPS OF SUGAR
INTO 1 CUP OF WATER,
AS LONG AS YOU APPLY
A LITTLE BIT OF HEAT.
SO YOU'LL GET THIS ONTO HIGH.
THERE WE GO.
AND SIMPLY STIR OCCASIONALLY
UNTIL ALL THE GRAINY STUFF
HAS DISAPPEARED.
AND SOON AS YOUR SYRUP
HAS ATTAINED BOILAGE,
YOU MAY KILL THE HEAT
AND BRING FORTH THE GOODNESS.
AND DON'T STIR THIS IN--JUST
DUMP IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
IF YOU TRY TO STIR IT, YOU'RE
JUST GONNA MAKE A MESS IN THERE.
COVER AND SET
YOUR FAVORITE TIMER
FOR ONE HOUR.
I'LL BE BACK.
WHEN AN HOUR IS UP,
WE WILL NEED SOME KIND
OF HEAT-PROOF VESSEL
TO CATCH OUR SYRUP.
I LIKE TO USE A CANNING FUNNEL,
AND THE GOLD--
OR SUPPOSEDLY GOLD--FILTER
OUT OF MY COFFEE MAKER
WILL DO THE TRICK.
NOW--
GO SLOWLY. WE DON'T WANT
TO SPILL HERE.
YOU SMELL THAT?
CAN YOU SMELL--OHH.
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T. I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T SMELL THIS.
WELL, IF YOU COULD, YOU'D BE
SMELLING SOMETHING CALLED APIOL,
AN ESSENTIAL OIL
THAT GIVES CELERY
ITS SPECIAL AROMA AND FLAVOR.
NOW WE SHOULD ALSO MENTION
THAT ALTHOUGH THEY LOOK A LOT
LIKE SEEDS, CELERY SEEDS AREN'T.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY
TINY FRUITS--DRIED FRUITS--
BUT THEY LOOK A LOT LIKE SEEDS,
SO WE'LL GO WITH THAT.
YOU HAVE TO USE
A VERY, VERY FINE MESH,
AND IT'S GONNA TAKE
A LITTLE WHILE TO DRAIN,
BUT THAT IS OKAY.
¶
GET DOWN YOUR FAVORITE
BEVERAGE GLASS,
LOAD UP WITH A LITTLE BIT
OF ICE...
AND GRAB YOUR SYRUP--
THIS STUFF WILL KEEP,
BY THE WAY,
FOR UP TO SIX MONTHS
IF PROPERLY REFRIGERATED--
AND SOME SELTZER OR CLUB SODA,
WHICHEVER YOU PREFER.
NOW ABOUT 2 TABLESPOONS
OR 1 OUNCE OF THE SYRUP
GOES OVER THE ROCKS.
AND THEN STAND BACK--
FOAMY.
POUR THAT RIGHT OVER THE ROCKS.
GIVE A SWIZZLE
AND ENJOY THAT CELERY GOODNESS.
OH, YOU COULD,
OF COURSE, PUT THIS
INTO CUTE LITTLE BOTTLES
LIKE THIS
AND SELL FOR $1 OR $2
OR MAYBE EVEN $3
IF YOU CAN WORK OUT
THAT WHOLE HAIR REPLACEMENT GIG.
¶
PERHAPS YOU THOUGHT
I WAS GOING TO SKIP OVER
THE LOWLY CELERY STALK
IN RETRIBUTION
FOR LOSING $10,000.
OF COURSE NOT.
I CAN HARDLY BLAME CELERY
FOR BEING NATURE'S SPOON.
I BLAME THE PEANUT BUTTER
FOR THAT ONE.
WE WILL REQUIRE EIGHT STALKS
OF CELERY FOR OUR BRAISE,
SO WE WILL FIRST
GIVE THEM A RINSE
TO REMOVE ANY LINGERING
PARTICULATE MATTER.
ONCE THEY'RE GOOD AND CLEAN,
SLICE INTO 1-INCH PIECES
ON THE BIAS, PLEASE.
BEFORE YOU EXILE THESE LEAVES
TO THE COMPOST HEAP
OR TO THE STOCKPOT,
CONSIDER THEIR BOTANICAL
PEDIGREE, OKAY?
CELERY IS PART
OF THE SAME FAMILY
THAT GIVES US PARSLEY,
DILL AND CORIANDER.
AND JUST LIKE
THOSE MORE FAMOUS HERBS,
THESE LEAVES,
WHEN FINELY CHOPPED,
CAN BE USED TO PROVIDE
A FINAL FLAVORANT
TO A WIDE ARRAY OF DISHES,
SO DON'T WASTE THEM.
GRAB A SAUTE PAN
IN THE 10-INCH RANGE
AND HEAT A TABLESPOON OF BUTTER
OVER MEDIUM HEAT.
ONCE IT'S MELTED,
IN GOES THE CELERY,
ALONG WITH A PINCH OF
KOSHER SALT AND SOME--YOU KNOW.
LET IT COOK FOR FIVE MINUTES
OR UNTIL THE CELERY
BEGINS TO SOFTEN.
THEN BRING 1/2 CUP
OF BEEF BROTH,
OR CANNED BOUILLON IF YOU MUST,
TO THE PARTY.
GIVE IT A STIR, LIT IT UP
AND REDUCE THE HEAT
TO THE LOWEST SETTING YOU HAVE.
IN FIVE MORE MINUTES,
THE CELERY WILL BE TENDER
BUT NOT MUSHY.
SO UNCOVER, CRANK UP THE HEAT
AND REDUCE THAT LIQUID, OKAY?
IN ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES,
IT'LL BE A NICE, TASTY GLAZE,
SO REMOVE THIS
TO YOUR SERVING DISH
AND GARNISH WITH THE CHOPPED
CELERY LEAVES.
REMEMBER, THEY ARE A VERY
LOVELY HERB.
WELL, I'M NOT ABOUT TO TELL YOU
TO STOW THE PEANUT BUTTER
OR THE PIMENTO CHEESE
IF THAT'S YOUR SPEED,
BUT I DO HOPE THAT WE'VE MADE
A SUCCESSFUL ARGUMENT
FOR GIVING CELERY
A MORE PROMINENT
AND VARIED PLACEMENT
ON THE PLATE.
AFTER ALL,
ANY PLANT THAT GIVES US
AN HERB, A SPICE,
A VEGETABLE AND A STARCH
CAN'T HELP BUT BEING--
YEAH, YOU KNOW.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON--
YEAH, YOU KNOW.
for your weekend forecast.
Say, kids, you know
what time it is?
That's right, it's time
to make that random call
and ask today's
$10,000 question.
Ooh, and it's a toughie.
Name the only common plant
that's a vegetable, a starch
an herb and a spice.
Ohh, that is really,
really tough.
All right, let's go
to the phones.
(phone ringing)
HELLO?
Hello, sir.
For $10,000--
(indistinct)
Excuse me?
(indistinct)
Look, I think we called you
at a bad time.
(speaking indistinctly)
No, no, no, that wasn't
quite the answer
we were looking for.
Well, bye-bye. Bye now.
Well, we don't get
a winner today,
but believe it or not,
the answer is celery.
I know, I never do anything
but put peanut butter on it,
but it turns out that humble rib
is a lot more versatile
than we thought.
In fact, celery really is...
¶
¶ GOOD EATS ¶
Closed Captions provided
by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
APIUM GRAVELOLENS--
CELERY--
A MEMBER OF THE PARSLEY FAMILY,
IS CERTAINLY
ONE OF THE MOST VERSATILE BITS
OF VEGETATION IN THIS STORE,
ALTHOUGH IT RARELY GETS
THE RESPECT
THAT IT SO RICHLY DESERVES.
NOW THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO,
AROUND THE MEDITERRANEAN
AND CHINA,
CELERY WAS A BITTER HERB
WITH SKINNY LITTLE RIBS.
IT WAS USED STRICTLY
FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES
AND SUPPOSEDLY AS A POWERFUL
APHRODISI--WELL, YOU KNOW.
UH, NOW THE GREEKS USED CELERY
MUCH AS THE ROMANS
USED LAUREL LEAVES--
AS GARLANDS FOR THEIR ATHLETES,
WHO ARE ALSO REFRESHED
WITH CELERY WINE,
WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY INVIGORATING INDEED.
HOMER MENTIONED CELERY,
OR SELINON, IN "THE ODYSSEY,"
WHICH IS ABOUT AS GREEK
AS YOU CAN GET
WITHOUT JOINING A FRATERNITY.
NOW BY THE 16th CENTURY, THE
ORIGINAL WILD FORM OF CELERY
HAD BEEN DEVELOPED OUT
INTO THREE DISTINCT VARIETIES.
ONE WAS A LEAFY VARIETY,
WHICH IS STILL AVAILABLE
IN CHINA AND PARTS OF EUROPE,
BUT RARELY IN AMERICA.
THEN THERE'S GOOD
OLD-FASHIONED RIB CELERY.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED
THAT HERE IN AMERICA,
DUTCH FARMERS WHO SETTLED IN
AND AROUND KALAMAZOO, MICHIGAN,
WERE THE NATION'S
FIRST SERIOUS CELERY FARMERS.
SEE, BACK THEN, THERE WAS PLENTY
OF MUCKY BUT RICH LAND UP THERE,
AND THE DUTCH HAD
THE EXPERIENCE,
AND, OF COURSE,
THE WOODEN SHOES TO TACKLE IT.
BY THE 1890s, FARMERS WERE
ACTUALLY BOARDING LOCAL TRAINS
TO HAND OUT SAMPLES OF THE CROP.
WONDER HOW THAT LOOKED.
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE
ARE THE CELERY STALKING.
IF EVERYBODY
SITS DOWN,
SHUTS UP AND GRABS
A RIB OF CELERY,
NOBODY'S
GONNA GET HURT.
THANK YOU.
HEY, WHAT
ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
DIDN'T YOUR MAMA TELL YOU
IT'S NOT POLITE TO STARE?
WE DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE,
MR. DUTCH FARMER MAN.
I'LL--I'LL TAKE THAT.
YOU MAKE SURE
YOU EAT THAT.
I-I WILL.
IT'S DELICIOUS.
OF COURSE, BACK THEN, CELERY
WAS STILL PRETTY BITTER STUFF,
SO THEY BLANCHED THE CROP.
THAT IS, THEY PLACED
A BROWN PAPER BAG ON IT
WHILE IT MATURED
IN THE GROUND.
THE THIRD VARIETY OF CELERY
WAS DEVELOPED SPECIFICALLY
FOR ITS ENLARGED ROOT-BALL,
WHICH WE CALL,
CLEVERLY ENOUGH, CELERY ROOT,
OR CELERIAC,
WHICH IS NOT VERY POPULAR
IN THE UNITED STATES.
WHY? WELL, COULD IT BE
BECAUSE IT LOOKS
LIKE A BIG, OLD...
WATCH THIS.
(screams)
OOH, HOW DISGUSTING.
HUH?
TYPICAL AMERICAN REACTION.
IF IT'S UGLY ON THE OUTSIDE,
IT CAN'T POSSIBLY
BE GOOD ON THE INSIDE.
WELL, DESPITE
ITS RUGGED EXTERIOR,
BELIEVE ME, THE CELERY ROOT
IS CRISP, IT IS NUT-LIKE
AND HAS THE FLAVOR
OF CLEAN, PURE CELERY.
(groans and whimpers)
WHAT? WHAT I--
OHH.
STORING CELERY ROOT IS EASY.
JUST TWIST IT UP IN A COUPLE
LAYERS OF PLASTIC WRAP
AND REFRIGERATE
FOR UP TO A MONTH.
AS FOR RIB CELERY,
MOISTER MEANS FRESHER,
SO I LIKE TO GIVE IT
THE FLOWER VASE TREATMENT
WITH A LITTLE WATER
IN A HALVED SODA BOTTLE.
PLASTIC SHOWER CAP
MAKES A VERY NICE TOPPER.
NOW SINCE YOU'VE
GOT THE MOST TO PROVE,
YOU GO FIRST.
STEP ONE--DON'T WASH IT.
OH, YOU'LL BE TEMPTED TO,
BUT IT WILL ONLY MAKE
PEELING IT HARDER,
AS A SLICK AND SLIMY EXTERIOR
WILL RESULT.
YOUR BEST TOOL
IS TO GO AFTER IT
WITH A HEAVY-DUTY PEELER, OKAY?
BUT EVEN GETTING IN WITH THIS
IS GONNA BE TOUGH,
SO THE FIRST THING I DO
IS I ALWAYS QUARTER THESE GUYS
WITH A NICE SERRATED KNIFE.
THAT WAY YOU CAN
WORK ON THE BOARD
AND KEEP THINGS STABLE.
BUT THIS MEANS
THAT YOU CAN FINALLY
KIND OF GET IN ON A--
ON A CORNER WITH--
WITH YOUR PEELER.
THERE. AND JUST WORK AROUND IT.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
(Alton) NOW AS YOU GET
EACH ONE OF THESE CLEAN,
TO KEEP IT FROM BROWNING IN
THE AIR, STASH IT IN SOME WATER
LACED WITH A LITTLE
LEMON JUICE OR VINEGAR.
NOW MY FAVORITE
CELERY ROOT APPLICATION
REQUIRES MATCHSTICK CUTS,
AND ALTHOUGH I COULD TO THAT
WITH A KNIFE IF I FELT LIKE IT,
I'D RATHER TAKE THE EASY ROUTE
AND USE A SLICER
WITH A MATCHSTICK BLADE,
WHICH OF COURSE NECESSITATES,
AS ALWAYS, THE HAND GUARD.
WE DON'T WANT
ANY INJURIES HERE.
SO WE'RE GONNA CUT
ONE CELERY ROOT--
THAT'S ABOUT 1 POUND--
INTO MATCHSTICKS,
JUST LIKE THIS.
AWW, THEY'RE PRETTY.
NEXT, WE'LL NEED A DRESSING--
1 1/2 TABLESPOONS EACH
FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON JUICE
AND DIJON MUSTARD,
WHICH WILL BE EASIER TO MEASURE
IF YOU DUMP IT
IN THE LEMON JUICE,
A FEW TURNS OF PEPPER,
1/4 TEASPOON OF SALT,
AND THEN WE WILL BRING TO THE
PARTY 3/4 CUP OF CREME FRAICHE.
(trumpets blowing)
AHH, THAT SOUND
MEANS THAT CREME FRAICHE
IS OUR INGREDIENT OF THE DAY.
NOW IT IS A SLIGHTLY FERMENTED
HEAVY CREAM FROM FRANCE,
AND UP UNTIL A COUPLE OF YEARS
AGO, IT WAS ONLY AVAILABLE
AT FANCY FRENCH FOOD STORES,
BUT THESE DAYS, IT'S AVAILABLE
AT A LOT OF YOUR LARGER
AMERICAN MEGA-MARTS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET HOLD OF IT,
IT'S WORTH MAKING YOURSELF.
JUST GET A CLEAN JAR AND COMBINE
3 PARTS OF HEAVY CREAM--
IT'S GOT TO BE HEAVY CREAM--
WITH 1 PART GOOD-QUALITY YOGURT
WITH ACTIVE CULTURES,
OR BACTERIA.
COVER, SET IN A WARM CORNER
OF YOUR KITCHEN FOR 12 HOURS,
OR UNTIL
IT IS SLIGHTLY THICKENED.
THAT'S CREME FRAICHE.
AFTER THAT,
STASH IT IN THE FRIDGE
TO HALT THE MARCH
OF BACTERIAL ACTION.
IT'LL KEEP FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS,
AND IT IS WORTH THE TROUBLE,
BELIEVE ME.
SO WHISK YOUR DRESSING TOGETHER,
ADD THE CELERY ROOT, TOSS
AND THEN COVER AND REFRIGERATE
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS
BEFORE SERVING.
¶
¶
CELERIAC REMOULADE,
A CELEBRATED
FRENCH BISTRO STANDARD.
THINK OF IT
AS AN ALTERNATIVE SLAW,
SERVED WITH ROASTED POULTRY
OR A STEAK.
IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO PUT THE MON DIEU
INTO YOUR FRENCH FRIENDS,
PUT IT ON A HOT DOG.
NOW WHEN CONTEMPLATING
THE CULINARY OPTIONS
OF A NEW AND FAIRLY
UNKNOWN INGREDIENT,
OCCASIONALLY IT HELPS
TO LOOK AT ITS INGREDIENTS.
NOW AS YOU CAN SEE,
CELERY ROOT CONTAINS
A FAIR AMOUNT OF STARCH
AND FAR LESS OF THE FIBER
THAT GIVES RIB CELERY
ITS DENTAL FLOSS DEMEANOR.
THIS, MARRIED WITH THE ROOT'S
SUBTLE, NUTTY FLAVOR,
MAKES IT IDEAL
FOR PRODUCING A PUREE.
WE WILL REQUIRE THREE HEADS,
APPROXIMATELY 2 1/2
TO 3 POUNDS OF CELERIAC.
WE'RE GONNA QUARTER THEM,
JUST AS BEFORE,
AND PEEL THEM, JUST AS BEFORE,
AND IT'LL MAKE A BIG MESS,
JUST AS BEFORE.
AND YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
YOUR CLEANED PIECES,
JUST LIKE BEFORE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA PUT THEM
IN SOME ACIDULATED WATER--
YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE BEFORE.
NOW WHEN YOU'VE
GOT ALL YOUR PIECES
DUMPED ON THE FLOOR LIKE THAT,
WE'RE GOING
TO CUBE THOSE QUARTERS
INTO BASICALLY 1/2-INCH CUBES.
IF YOU WISH TO CUBE
YOUR CELERY ROOT
FOR LATER PUREEING,
GO AHEAD AND STASH THESE GUYS
IN CLEAN ACIDULATED WATER
TO PREVENT BROWNING.
IF YOU PLAN ON PUREEING
RIGHT AWAY, DON'T BOTHER.
NOW FETCH DOWN YOUR FAVORITE
4-QUART SAUCEPAN
AND PLACE IT OVER LOW HEAT
AND ADD A TABLESPOON
OF PLAIN OLD OLIVE OIL.
DON'T BREAK OUT THAT FANCY,
FRUITY EXTRA VIRGIN STUFF.
THE HEAT WILL SIMPLY DEFLOWER
IT, IF YOU GET MY MEANING.
NOW WHEN SAID LIPID
BEGINS TO SHIMMER,
GO AHEAD AND DUMP IN
ALL OF YOUR BIG,
UGLY ROOT PIECES,
ALONG WITH FOUR CLOVES
OF GARLIC,
PEELED, OF COURSE,
AND SLICED THIN,
A TEASPOON OF KOSHER SALT
AND ABOUT 1/4 TEASPOON
OF FRESHLY GROUND BLACK PEPPER.
NOW JUST STIR AND COOK,
COOK AND STIR,
UNTIL THE CELERY ROOT
JUST BEGINS TO SOFTEN.
FIGURE ON FIVE MINUTES,
DEPENDING, OF COURSE,
ON THE RIPENESS
OF YOUR PARTICULAR SPECIMENS.
NOW WHEN THE PIECES
ARE JUST SOFT LIKE THIS,
GONNA BOOST THE HEAT
TO MEDIUM-HIGH
AND ADD 5 CUPS
OF NICE, CLEAN, FRESH WATER.
THERE.
NOW KEEP STIRRING
UNTIL THIS COMES TO A BOIL.
WHEN IT DOES REACH A BOIL,
TURN THE HEAT DOWN
SO YOU CAN MAINTAIN A SIMMER
FOR 20 TO 22 MINUTES.
THEN CAREFULLY
REMOVE IT TO YOUR COLANDER
AND DRAIN.
I'LL TAKE A LOOK HERE,
JUST SEE HOW THAT'S DONE--
YEAH. PERFECT. IT'LL MASH EASY.
THAT'S WHAT WE WANT.
NOW WHILE THOSE DRAIN,
2 TABLESPOONS
OF UNSALTED BUTTER
WILL GO INTO 1/4 CUP
OF NICE HEAVY CREAM
IN THE MICROWAVE,
AND BLAST THAT JUST LONG ENOUGH
FOR THE BUTTER TO MELT.
THE COOK MUST ALWAYS
BE VERY CAUTIOUS
WHEN PUREEING STARCHY FOODS.
THE PHYSICAL POWER DOSED OUT
BY A FOOD PROCESSOR,
BLENDER OR EVEN A STAND MIXER
CAN TAKE THIS CUBE
STRAIGHT TO THE GLUEY,
NASTY PHASE
WITHOUT STOPPING
AT THE PLEASANTLY WHIPPED PHASE,
WHERE WE'D LIKE
TO GET OFF THE BUS.
THERE IS, HOWEVER, ONE TOOL
THAT CAN DO THE JOB.
ANYTIME YOU SHOP
FOR A KITCHEN APPLIANCE,
IT CAN BE A LITTLE BIT TRICKY,
BUT ONCE YOU SLAP ON A MOTOR,
CONFUSION IS ALL BUT GUARANTEED.
NOW I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD FEELING
THAT OUR OLD FRIEND W
WILL BE ABLE
TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS THAT WE
HAVE ABOUT IMMERSION BLENDERS,
BUT BELIEVE ME, SHE'S GONNA BE
A LOT MORE COOPERATIVE
IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S ME.
(clears throat)
OH, CAN I HELP YOU?
(English accent)
WHY, YES, I WAS HOPING
YOU COULD STEER ME TOWARDS
ONE OF THOSE LONG, SPINNY,
BLENDERY KIND OF
STICK DEVICES.
AN IMMERSION BLENDER?
HA! THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT EXACTLY.
I COULD SEE YOU ARE AS SMART
AS YOU ARE PRETTY.
OHH. OH, THANK YOU.
UM, THIS WAY.
HMM. WE HAVE SEVERAL
MODELS TO CHOOSE FROM.
HMM.
INDEED YOU DO. LET'S JUST
CUT TO THE CHASE.
SHOW ME THE ONE
WITH THE HIGHEST WATTAGE.
DID SOMEONE
SAY WATTAGE?
MORE WATTS MEANS
MORE POWER, YOU KNOW.
HECK, YES,
IT DOES.
WHEN I WAS
IN COLLEGE,
I HAD A 6,000-WATT
STEREO IN MY DORM.
NO KIDDING.
I SENT OUT FOR A SPECIAL
300-WATT CORDLESS DRILL.
AWESOME.
EXCELLENT. SO WHAT'LL
IT BE, LITTLE LADY?
YEAH, COME ON.
SHOW US YOUR WATTS.
WHAT IS IT WITH BOYS
AND WATTAGE?
I BET THERE'S
NOT EVEN A ONE OF YOU
THAT CAN TELL ME
WHAT IT MEANS. CAN YOU?
IT--IT MEANS
LOUDER?
YEAH, LOUDER.
ENERGY FLOW IS
AN EXPRESSION OF POWER.
AND THE WORD
"WATT"...
NOW WHICH COMES
FROM JAMES WATT,
THE FAMOUS
STEAM ENGINE INNOVATOR.
EXPRESSES THE RATE
OF ENERGY FLOW,
WHICH MEANS A 200-WATT
MOTOR CAN CONSUME
MORE ELECTRICAL ENERGY
PER SECOND
THAN A 100-WATT
MOTOR.
THAT MEANS IT'S GOT
MORE POWER, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH.
BUT WHAT REALLY
MATTERS IS THE RATIO
OF WATTS OUT
TO AMPERES.
OH, OKAY, GUYS.
LOOK, A 500-WATT MOTOR
MAY BE VERY CAPABLE,
BUT WHAT REALLY
MATTERS
IS THE ENTIRE
SYSTEM AND DESIGN
THAT IS CONNECTED
TO IT.
TAKE THIS
IMMERSION BLENDER.
IT ONLY
HAS 240 WATTS...
(men scoff)
BUT--BUT! IT'S
HIGHLY CONTROLLABLE
WITH THE NINE SPEEDS
AND A SUPERIOR
BLADE DESIGN.
HMM.
AND IT HAS
A REMOVABLE METAL SHAFT
THAT CAN WITHSTAND
EXTREMELY HIGH TEMPERATURES
AND IS EASY
TO CLEAN.
(men mutter)
OKAY, WELL,
JUST THINK OF IT
AS A BORGWARNER 256 HOOKED
TO A '69 H.D...
(men) HO, HO. YEAH.
¶
WITH THE RIGHT TOOL IN HAND,
WE'RE READY TO BLEND.
WHEN YOU'RE
ABOUT HALFWAY TO MASH,
GO AHEAD AND ADD THE BUTTER
AND CREAM MIXTURE,
AND WORK UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
A SMOOTH
YET STILL CHUNKY CONSISTENCY.
MMM. IT'S LIKE A-A BIG,
NUTTY, SLIGHTLY SWEET BOWL
OF MASHED POTATOES,
AND I COULD JUST EAT
THESE THINGS BY THE BOWLFUL.
OF COURSE, IF YOU WANT TO SERVE
ALONG WITH SOMETHING ELSE,
YOU MIGHT TRY SOMETHING
ROASTED IN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT--
A NICE, JUICY STEAK, PERHAPS,
OR SOME GAME--
WILD, IF YOU CAN GET IT.
OF COURSE, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
BE REALLY NICE RIGHT NOW,
WOULD BE A BEVERAGE.
¶
¶
¶
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOYS AND GIRLS,
YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELVES
NOT TO MISS OUT
ON THE PREVENTATIVE
AND CURATIVE POWERS
OF FUZZMUCKERS
FAMOUS CELERY TONIC.
HEY, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL
ABOUT CELERY?
MADAM, I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED.
WHY, IN HIS MONUMENTAL
1747 TREATISE
"FARMOCOPEA UNIVERSALIS,"
PHYSICIAN ROBERT JAMES REVEALED
THAT THROUGH THE AGES,
CELERY HAS BEEN USED
AS A DIURETIC,
A DIGESTIVE AID,
AN ACTI-LACTOGEN ANA-CARMINITIVE
GENERAL TONIC AS WELL
AS AN APHRODISI--
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT SHOULD BE THE TENT POLE
OF ANY NUTRITIONAL PROGRAM.
WILL IT HELP
MY RHEUMATISM?
RHEUMATISM?
MADAM, DO I APPEAR TO SUFFER
FROM SAID AFFLICTION?
NO, BUT...
HELL, DO YOU THINK
THAT'S BY COINCIDENCE?
$1 A BOTTLE
FOR FUZZMUCKERS
GUARANTEED CELERY TONIC.
GUARANTEED
TO DO WHAT?
GUARANTEED TO DO--
WHY, WHATEVER NEEDS DOING,
OF COURSE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IN THE ORIENT,
CELERY IS USED
STRICTLY AS A MEDICINAL.
WHY, IN IRAN, THEY--ITS SEEDS
ARE BOILED DOWN TO EXTRACT
THE ESSENTIAL OIL, APIOL,
THE FUMES OF WHICH ARE INHALED
TO RELIEVE HEADACHES.
WILL IT GROW
MY HAIR BACK?
SIR, TRY ONE ON THE HOUSE.
RUB IT ON YOUR SCALP
AND DRINK THE REST.
GREAT SCOTT, WHAT'S THAT?
I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING.
LOOK, HE'S GOT HAIR.
IT'S A MIRACLE!
IT'S NOT A MIRACLE,
IT'S FUZZMUCKERS--
ONLY 2 BUCKS A BOTTLE.
STEP RIGHT UP.
STEP RIGHT UP WHILE THEY LAST,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
(woman) I'LL HAVE TWO.
THAT'S RIGHT,
THERE'S PLENTY TO GO AROUND.
PHEW.
CELERY TONICS HAVE BEEN AROUND
FOR AT LEAST A CENTURY,
THOUGH THE F.D.A. EVENTUALLY
FORCED THE MANUFACTURERS
TO DOWNGRADE THE WORD
TONIC TO SODA
BECAUSE OF THE "UNPROVEN"
MEDICAL IMPLICATIONS.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
PITTSBURGH, SUNDAY,
DON'T BE LATE.
WHATEVER.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT REALLY
POSSESSES ANY MAGICAL CURES,
BUT I DO KNOW
THAT THERE
IS SOME MAGICAL FLAVOR
IN THESE LITTLE SEEDS.
AHH. BEHOLD
THE MIGHTY CELERY SEED,
THE SPICE THAT IS THE KEY
TO MY CONSIDERABLE SUCCESS.
YOU KNOW, BESIDES RHODE ISLAND,
WHERE GERMAN IMMIGRANTS ADDED IT
TO A VERY FAMOUS
SEAFOOD BOIL RECIPE,
IN CHICAGO, WHERE AGAIN,
GERMANS STARTED
SPRINKLING IT ON HOT DOGS,
AMERICANS, BY AND LARGE,
DO NOT PAY THIS POWERHOUSE
ANY RESPECT.
WE'RE GONNA FIX THAT.
OH, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME
TO MAKE UP
ANOTHER BATCH OF FUZZMUCKERS,
SO YOU MIGHT
AS WELL STICK AROUND.
WE'LL DO A SMALL,
HOME-ORIENTED TYPE OF BATCH.
WHAT WE'LL NEED IS 2 TABLESPOONS
OF CELERY SEED, GROUND.
AND I USUALLY USE
JUST A BLADE-STYLE
COFFEE GRINDER F
HIS. T
AND I USUALLY USE
I KEEP ONE AROUND
JUST FOR SPICES, DON'T YOU KNOW.
THERE. THAT SHOULD DO IT.
WE DON'T WANT IT
TOO FINELY GROUND.
THERE. THAT'LL DO IT.
NOW WE MOVE TO THE SYRUP.
BY SYRUP, OF COURSE,
I MEAN A SIMPLE SYRUP,
WHICH IS A VERY
POWERFUL CONCOCTION,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE INTO
THE MANUFACTURE OF COCKTAILS.
NOW IF FOLLOWS
A VERY SPECIFIC RATIO,
WHICH IS TWO TO ONE, BY VOLUME,
SUGAR TO WATER.
SO 2 CUPS OF JUST PLAIN,
OLD SUGAR
AND 1 CUP
OF EQUALLY PLAIN H2O.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
YOU CAN DISSOLVE
2 CUPS OF SUGAR
INTO 1 CUP OF WATER,
AS LONG AS YOU APPLY
A LITTLE BIT OF HEAT.
SO YOU'LL GET THIS ONTO HIGH.
THERE WE GO.
AND SIMPLY STIR OCCASIONALLY
UNTIL ALL THE GRAINY STUFF
HAS DISAPPEARED.
AND SOON AS YOUR SYRUP
HAS ATTAINED BOILAGE,
YOU MAY KILL THE HEAT
AND BRING FORTH THE GOODNESS.
AND DON'T STIR THIS IN--JUST
DUMP IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
IF YOU TRY TO STIR IT, YOU'RE
JUST GONNA MAKE A MESS IN THERE.
COVER AND SET
YOUR FAVORITE TIMER
FOR ONE HOUR.
I'LL BE BACK.
WHEN AN HOUR IS UP,
WE WILL NEED SOME KIND
OF HEAT-PROOF VESSEL
TO CATCH OUR SYRUP.
I LIKE TO USE A CANNING FUNNEL,
AND THE GOLD--
OR SUPPOSEDLY GOLD--FILTER
OUT OF MY COFFEE MAKER
WILL DO THE TRICK.
NOW--
GO SLOWLY. WE DON'T WANT
TO SPILL HERE.
YOU SMELL THAT?
CAN YOU SMELL--OHH.
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T. I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T SMELL THIS.
WELL, IF YOU COULD, YOU'D BE
SMELLING SOMETHING CALLED APIOL,
AN ESSENTIAL OIL
THAT GIVES CELERY
ITS SPECIAL AROMA AND FLAVOR.
NOW WE SHOULD ALSO MENTION
THAT ALTHOUGH THEY LOOK A LOT
LIKE SEEDS, CELERY SEEDS AREN'T.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY
TINY FRUITS--DRIED FRUITS--
BUT THEY LOOK A LOT LIKE SEEDS,
SO WE'LL GO WITH THAT.
YOU HAVE TO USE
A VERY, VERY FINE MESH,
AND IT'S GONNA TAKE
A LITTLE WHILE TO DRAIN,
BUT THAT IS OKAY.
¶
GET DOWN YOUR FAVORITE
BEVERAGE GLASS,
LOAD UP WITH A LITTLE BIT
OF ICE...
AND GRAB YOUR SYRUP--
THIS STUFF WILL KEEP,
BY THE WAY,
FOR UP TO SIX MONTHS
IF PROPERLY REFRIGERATED--
AND SOME SELTZER OR CLUB SODA,
WHICHEVER YOU PREFER.
NOW ABOUT 2 TABLESPOONS
OR 1 OUNCE OF THE SYRUP
GOES OVER THE ROCKS.
AND THEN STAND BACK--
FOAMY.
POUR THAT RIGHT OVER THE ROCKS.
GIVE A SWIZZLE
AND ENJOY THAT CELERY GOODNESS.
OH, YOU COULD,
OF COURSE, PUT THIS
INTO CUTE LITTLE BOTTLES
LIKE THIS
AND SELL FOR $1 OR $2
OR MAYBE EVEN $3
IF YOU CAN WORK OUT
THAT WHOLE HAIR REPLACEMENT GIG.
¶
PERHAPS YOU THOUGHT
I WAS GOING TO SKIP OVER
THE LOWLY CELERY STALK
IN RETRIBUTION
FOR LOSING $10,000.
OF COURSE NOT.
I CAN HARDLY BLAME CELERY
FOR BEING NATURE'S SPOON.
I BLAME THE PEANUT BUTTER
FOR THAT ONE.
WE WILL REQUIRE EIGHT STALKS
OF CELERY FOR OUR BRAISE,
SO WE WILL FIRST
GIVE THEM A RINSE
TO REMOVE ANY LINGERING
PARTICULATE MATTER.
ONCE THEY'RE GOOD AND CLEAN,
SLICE INTO 1-INCH PIECES
ON THE BIAS, PLEASE.
BEFORE YOU EXILE THESE LEAVES
TO THE COMPOST HEAP
OR TO THE STOCKPOT,
CONSIDER THEIR BOTANICAL
PEDIGREE, OKAY?
CELERY IS PART
OF THE SAME FAMILY
THAT GIVES US PARSLEY,
DILL AND CORIANDER.
AND JUST LIKE
THOSE MORE FAMOUS HERBS,
THESE LEAVES,
WHEN FINELY CHOPPED,
CAN BE USED TO PROVIDE
A FINAL FLAVORANT
TO A WIDE ARRAY OF DISHES,
SO DON'T WASTE THEM.
GRAB A SAUTE PAN
IN THE 10-INCH RANGE
AND HEAT A TABLESPOON OF BUTTER
OVER MEDIUM HEAT.
ONCE IT'S MELTED,
IN GOES THE CELERY,
ALONG WITH A PINCH OF
KOSHER SALT AND SOME--YOU KNOW.
LET IT COOK FOR FIVE MINUTES
OR UNTIL THE CELERY
BEGINS TO SOFTEN.
THEN BRING 1/2 CUP
OF BEEF BROTH,
OR CANNED BOUILLON IF YOU MUST,
TO THE PARTY.
GIVE IT A STIR, LIT IT UP
AND REDUCE THE HEAT
TO THE LOWEST SETTING YOU HAVE.
IN FIVE MORE MINUTES,
THE CELERY WILL BE TENDER
BUT NOT MUSHY.
SO UNCOVER, CRANK UP THE HEAT
AND REDUCE THAT LIQUID, OKAY?
IN ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES,
IT'LL BE A NICE, TASTY GLAZE,
SO REMOVE THIS
TO YOUR SERVING DISH
AND GARNISH WITH THE CHOPPED
CELERY LEAVES.
REMEMBER, THEY ARE A VERY
LOVELY HERB.
WELL, I'M NOT ABOUT TO TELL YOU
TO STOW THE PEANUT BUTTER
OR THE PIMENTO CHEESE
IF THAT'S YOUR SPEED,
BUT I DO HOPE THAT WE'VE MADE
A SUCCESSFUL ARGUMENT
FOR GIVING CELERY
A MORE PROMINENT
AND VARIED PLACEMENT
ON THE PLATE.
AFTER ALL,
ANY PLANT THAT GIVES US
AN HERB, A SPICE,
A VEGETABLE AND A STARCH
CAN'T HELP BUT BEING--
YEAH, YOU KNOW.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON--
YEAH, YOU KNOW.