Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 11, Episode 8 - Dill-icious - full transcript

oice distorted) SURELY YOU
HAVE FELT IT ALL YOUR LIFE,
A KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU COULD BE
SOMETHING MORE.
LOOK IN YOUR HEART.
YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.
JOIN ME AND COMPLETE
YOUR TRANSFORMATION!
THEN WITH OUR COMBINED STRENGTH,
WE CAN PUT AN END
TO MUSHY MOUTH-FEEL
AND INSIPID FLAVORS.
AH, I FEEL YOUR POWER GROWING.
EVEN THE EMERIL
HAS FORESEEN THIS.
LET GO OF YOUR FEAR
AND FULFILL YOUR DESTINY
TO BECOME...
¶
Closed Captions provided
by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
IF YOU ASK ME,
NO MAGICAL METAMORPHOSIS
IS MORE SPECTACULAR
THAN THE TRANSFORMATION
OF CUCUMBER TO PICKLE.
(cackling maniacally)
(sighs)
NOW I REALIZE
THAT WE'VE WALKED
DOWN THE PICKLED PATH BEFORE,
YOU AND I.
BUT IN THAT PARTICULAR EPISODE,
WE MADE FRESH-PACKED
OR PROCESSED PICKLES,
WHICH COUNTED ON A STIFF DOSE
OF ACID
AND A JOLT OF HEAT
TO GET THE PICKLING JOB DONE.
NOW THOSE WERE GOOD EATS,
TO BE SURE,
BUT IF YOU WANT TO PRODUCE
HONEST-TO-GOODNESS
DILL PICKLES--
OKAY, A CATEGORY
MADE UP OF MANY SUBVARIETIES--
YOU WILL HAVE TO LEARN
TO MANAGE TIME, BRINE
AND BACTERIA.
STEP ONE--
LOCATE THE BEST CUCUMBERS
FOR THE JOB.
BEHOLD CUCUMIS SATIVUS--
THE CUCUMBER--
COUSIN TO GOURDS AND MELONS,
NATIVE OF INDIA,
BUT MUCH LOVED
FROM MESOPOTAMIA TO ROME,
WHERE RADICAL ADVANCEMENTS
IN AGRICULTURE WERE ACHIEVED
SIMPLY TO ENSURE
THAT THE EMPEROR TIBERIUS HERE
WOULD HAVE
HIS REQUIRED DAILY SUPPLY.
NOW WHEN ROME FELL,
SO, TOO, DID THE CUCUMBER.
YOU SEE, MOST EUROPEANS
JUST DIDN'T GO
FOR THE BITTERNESS.
NOW I KNOW WE DON'T
ORDINARILY THINK OF CUCUMBERS...
(man buzzing)
AS BEING VERY BITTER,
BUT BACK THEN THEY CONTAINED
QUITE A BIT
OF A SUBSTANCE CALLED
CUCURBITACIN--
A RATHER POWERFUL
NATURAL PEST REPELLENT.
(man buzzes and coughs)
THE REASON WE DON'T TASTE IT IS,
WELL, A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS
OF NATURAL SELECTION
HAVE BRED
MOST OF THIS SUBSTANCE OUT.
(man buzzing)
MAYBE WE SHOULD RETHINK THAT.
GET OUT OF HERE!
WHERE WAS I? OH, YES.
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING,
ANY DWARF VARIETY
OF CUCUMIS SATIVUS
CAN INDEED BE PICKLED.
YOU JUST WANT TO LOOK
FOR A FEW CHARACTERISTICS.
ALTHOUGH SMALL, THEY SHOULD BE
FIRM--NICE ROUNDED ENDS--
NICE TO SEE A LITTLE STEM
ON THE BOTTOM.
COLOR SHOULD BE--
WELL, ANYTHING FROM DARK GREEN
TO MOTTLED
OR STRIATED LIKE THIS.
IF THEY'RE YELLOW ALL THE WAY
ACROSS, YOU WANT TO AVOID THEM.
THERE ARE PROBABLY GONNA BE
SOME LITTLE SPINES OR WARTS,
AND THAT IS FINE.
¶
CLEANLINESS
IS NEXT TO PICKLE-NESS,
SO I'LL SCRUB 3 POUNDS
OF 3- TO 5-INCH CUKES
UNDER WARM WATER.
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
TRIM OFF ANY ENDS OF THE STEM.
THEY CONTAIN AN ENZYME
THAT CAN SOFTEN CUCUMBERS.
NOW AS I MENTIONED EARLIER,
WE WILL FOREGO
OUR PREVIOUS M.O.--
THE HOT ACID BATH--
IN FAVOR OF THE SLOWER,
MORE SUBTLE FERMENTATION METHOD.
NOW IN THE CASE
OF BREAD OR BEER,
WE WOULD BE COUNTING ON YEAST
TO DO THE FERMENTING...
(high-pitched chattering)
THAT IS,
TO CONVERT CARBOHYDRATES
TO CO2 AND ALCOHOL,
BUT WITH PICKLES...
(groans)
BACTERIA WILL BE IN CHARGE
OF THE OPERATION.
(chattering resumes)
THEY WILL BREAK APART
THE CUKES' SUGARS
TO CREATE SOME CARBON DIOXIDE
AND ALCOHOL,
BUT MOSTLY LACTIC ACID.
THIS ACID IS
EXTREMELY UNFRIENDLY
TO THE TYPES OF BACTERIA
THAT ORDINARILY CAUSE
SPOILING...
(chatter turns to snarls)
WHICH MEANS
THAT LACTIC ACID IS...
(snarling and screaming)
A PRESERVATIVE.
(sighs)
OUR PRIMARY CONTROL AGENT
WHEN IT COMES
TO FERMENTED PICKLES IS SALT.
THINK OF IT AS A TRAFFIC COP.
IT REGULATES WHICH BACTERIA
GET INTO THE PICKLES
AND TO SOME DEGREE, WHAT THEY
PRODUCE WHEN THEY GET THERE.
NOW THERE ARE TWO WAYS
THAT WE COULD GO.
IF THE TARGET FOOD
IS VERY, VERY SMALL
OR CUT UP INTO CHUNKS
OR SHREDDED,
THEN WE COULD JUST POUR ON
STRAIGHT, SOLID SALT,
BECAUSE IT WOULD BE
A RELATIVELY SHORT
FERMENTATION PERIOD.
THAT WOULD CERTAINLY BE THE CASE
WITH SOMETHING LIKE SAUERKRAUT,
BUT IN THE CASE OF--
(German accent)
I DON'T LIKE YOU...
GIVEN THE SURFACE-TO-MASS RATIO
OF CUCUMBERS,
I THINK WE WOULD BE BETTER OFF
USING A PREMIXED OR BRINE,
WHICH WOULD--
NOR DO I LIKE
YOUR LITTLE CULINARY CIRCUS.
I'M GOING TO GO
WITH 5 1/2 OUNCES BY WEIGHT
OF A PICKLING SALT,
WHICH I LIKE...
BECAUSE IT DISSOLVES
IN COLD--
IN COLD LIQUIDS.
AND--AND I'M
ALSO GOING TO TAKE
A FEW OF THESE SPICES
WITH ME,
AND THEN I'M GONNA GO,
BECAUSE THIS IS SCARY.
TIME TO BRINE,
AND THESE AMOUNTS ARE IMPORTANT.
5 1/2 OUNCES BY WEIGHT
OF PICKLING SALT
GOES INTO A 1-GALLON CONTAINER.
WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE
GOING TO DISSOLVE SAID SALT
IN EXACTLY 1 GALLON OF WATER.
NOW KEEP IN MIND THAT CHLORINE
WILL KILL...
(high-pitched chatter)
OUR LITTLE
BACTERIAL BUDDIES HERE,
SO EITHER USE FILTERED WATER--
I HAVE A FILTER ON THIS SYSTEM--
OR YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO USE BOTTLED WATER.
DO ME A FAVOR--GIVE THAT A STIR
EVERY NOW AND THEN, WILL YA?
(sighs)
BACK IN THE DAY, WHEN PICKLING
WAS THE PRIMARY FORM
OF HOME FOOD PRESERVATION,
PICKLES PICKLED
IN EARTHENWARE VESSELS
CALLED CROCKS,
WHICH IN MY OPINION,
ARE STILL THE BEST VESSELS
FOR THE JOB.
THEY BLOCK LIGHT.
THEY'RE INSULATORS,
SO THEY HELP
TO REGULATE
TEMPERATURE FLUCTUATIONS,
AND THEY'RE
UTTERLY NONREACTIVE,
SO THEY NEITHER GIVE
NOR RECEIVE FLAVORS.
AND LET'S FACE IT--
THEY'RE COOL-LOOKING.
NOW THIS IS
MY GRANDMOTHER'S CROCK.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
SEE THIS LID?
IT LOOKS LIKE IT DOESN'T FIT,
BUT FERMENTATION IS
IDEALLY AN ANAEROBIC PROCESS,
AND LIDS LIKE THIS
USED TO BE MADE
TO KEEP THE TRANSFORMING FOOD
SUBMERGED IN THE BRINE
WHILE STILL ALLOWING GASSES
TO EXPAND.
WHEN YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THESE,
YOU SHOULD CERTAINLY USE IT,
BUT THEY'RE
KIND OF HARD TO FIND.
SO IN OUR PROCESS,
WE WILL GO
WITH AN ALTERNATIVE METHOD.
NOW OUR SALT AND WATER
WILL ACTUALLY DEFINE
THE PROCESS OF PICKLING.
BUT THE STYLE OF PICKLE
THAT WE PRODUCE
IS ALL ABOUT THE ADJUNCTS--
THE FLAVORANTS--
THAT WE BRING TO THE PARTY.
NOW THE MOST POPULAR
PICKLE FLAVOR OF ALL TIME
HAS GOT TO BE DILL, AND IT
COMES IN TWO CULINARY FORMS.
HERE WE HAVE A TEASPOON
OF DILL SEED,
WHICH WE WILL USE,
BUT WE ALSO HAVE
ONE LARGE BUNCH OF DILL FRONDS.
NOW I THINK THAT THERE ARE
A LOT OF REASONS
WHY DILL IS SO POPULAR
WITH PICKLES.
ONE--WELL, IT TASTES GOOD.
TWO--IT IS VERY COMMON
IN THE REGIONS THAT HAVE DONE
THE MOST PICKLING,
WHICH IS NORTHERN EUROPE.
BUT THEY ALSO SAY
THAT DILL CONTAINS
CERTAIN VOLATILE OILS
WHICH ACT
AS NATURAL ANTIBIOTICS.
(whispers)
COME HERE, COME ON.
(high-pitched voice)
WHAT? HEY--ALL RIGHT.
CHECK IT OUT.
GO AHEAD. HERE.
(groans loudly)
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
SO ONE BIG BUNCH OF DILL
GOES IN.
NOW IF WE WANT TO TURN THESE
INTO KOSHER DILLS,
WE'LL NEED TO ADD GARLIC.
I HAVE TWO CRUSHED CLOVES HERE.
AND I ALSO LIKE TO ADD
A LITTLE HEAT,
SO 1 TABLESPOON EACH
BLACK PEPPERCORNS
AND RED PEPPER FLAKE.
NOW WE'RE READY
TO BUILD THE CROCK.
I DON'T WANT TO JUST DUMP
THE CUCUMBERS IN,
SO I'M GONNA LAY IT ON ITS SIDE
AND ARRANGE THESE VERTICALLY.
THAT'LL ENSURE THAT EACH ONE
GETS ITS SHARE OF THE FLAVOR.
¶
¶ ¶
OH, WELL, I GUESS
YOU SHOULDN'T SEND A BACTERIA
TO DO A BIPED'S JOB.
OH, WELL, AT LEAST
HE FINISHED THE BRINE,
AND WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF IT.
NOW JUST POUR THIS
ONTO YOUR CUCUMBERS
UNTIL THEY FLOAT UP
TO ABOUT 2 INCHES
FROM THE TOP OF THE CROCK.
YOU'LL SEE SOME OF THE SPICES
FLOATING. THAT'S OKAY.
AND WE'LL STOP ABOUT THERE.
WE'VE GOT
PLENTY OF BRINE LEFT OVER,
AND SOME OF THAT IS GONNA GO
INTO A ZIP-TOP BAG.
THIS IS GONNA BE OUR WEIGHT--
OUR LID, SO TO SPEAK.
YOU COULD DO THIS
WITH REGULAR FRESH WATER,
BUT WHAT IF IT WERE
TO SPRING A LEAK?
YOU WOULD BE IN TROUBLE THEN,
BECAUSE YOUR BRINE WOULD END UP
BEING TOO DILUTED.
SO MAKE SURE THAT THIS
IS GOOD AND SEALED.
YOU CAN THROW AWAY
WHATEVER BRINE YOU'VE GOT LEFT.
THERE, NOW THAT GOES ON TOP
AND SHOULD HOLD EVERYTHING DOWN
WITH A LITTLE ROOM TO SPARE.
(laughs)
TEMPERATURE IS A BIG FACTOR
IN FERMENTATION.
WE DON'T WANT TO LET THIS
GET HIGHER THAN, SAY,
75 DEGREES.
FERMENTATION
WOULD STILL TAKE PLACE,
BUT IT WOULD BE REALLY,
REALLY SLOW,
WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING
WE WANT TO DO.
SO WE'RE AIMING
FOR 68 TO 70 DEGREES, TOPS.
NOW IF YOU DO NOT HAVE
YOUR OWN CLIMATE-CONTROLLED
SNAZZY WINE COOLER LIKE THIS,
DON'T DESPAIR.
JUST LOOK FOR ANY CLEAN SPOT
IN YOUR HOUSE
THAT WILL MAINTAIN
THAT TEMPERATURE.
IF IT'S A CLEAN CORNER
OF YOUR BASEMENT, THAT'S FINE.
IN THE WINTER, I'VE
ACTUALLY USED MY OWN GARAGE.
AND IN THE SUMMERTIME,
WHEN MY AIR-CONDITIONING
WAS BROKEN,
I PUT MY CROCK IN A COOLER
THAT I JUST ADDED SOME ICE TO
EVERY DAY OR TWO--
TO THE COOLER,
NOT TO THE CROCK.
THAT WOULD BE A BAD THING.
SO--68, 70 DEGREES, TOPS,
FOR 3 DAYS.
THREE--COUNT 'EM.
NOT TWO, NOT FOUR--THREE.
I'LL BE BACK.
AH, YOU SEE THESE BUBBLES?
THESE ARE A SURE SIGN
THAT FERMENTATION IS UNDER WAY,
AND NOT BY JUST ONE
BACTERIA--NOPE.
THIS IS A GROUP EFFORT.
YOU SEE, FIRST, STRAINS
OF BACTERIAL STORM TROOPERS--
LEUCONOSTOC MESENTEROIDES--
MOVE IN AND GET THE FERMENTATION
KIND OF, UH, KICK-STARTED.
THEY CAN WORK IN VERY SALTY
OR SUGARY CONDITIONS
AT A WIDE RANGE OF TEMPERATURES,
BUT THEY DON'T CREATE MUCH
IN THE WAY OF FLAVOR.
AFTER THEY'VE SOFTENED UP
THE TARGETS A BIT,
OTHER SPECIES OF LACTOBACILLUS,
RELATED TO THE ONES
THAT TURN MILK INTO YOGURT,
GO TO WORK CREATING
THE LACTIC ACID THAT WILL GRANT
OUR LITTLE GREEN FRIENDS
IMMORTALITY--
WELL, CULINARY IMMORTALITY.
NOW BESIDES ACTING
AS A PRESERVATIVE,
LACTIC ACID HAS A MUCH SMOOTHER,
MORE COMPLEX FLAVOR
THAN THE ACETIC ACID
WHICH FLAVORS
VINEGAR-CURED PICKLES.
NOW FROM HERE ON OUT,
THINK OF THIS CROCK
AS YOUR VIRTUAL PET.
IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE WALKED
OR TALKED TO
OR SCRATCHED BEHIND THE EARS,
BUT IT WILL NEED TO BE
SKIMMED OF SCUM
EACH AND EVERY DAY, OR AT LEAST
EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS.
NOW HERE'S HOW I DO IT.
MOST OF THE SCUM WILL
ACTUALLY BE
ON THE BAG ITSELF,
SO CAREFULLY LIFT
AND JUST DUNK THAT
RIGHT INTO A VESSEL
OF CLEAN WATER,
AND IT'LL WASH OFF.
THEN TAKE A SPOON
AND LOOK AROUND THE EDGES
AND JUST SCRAPE OFF ANYTHING
THAT KINDA LOOKS
WHITE AND MOLDY.
IT'S NOT ACTUALLY MOLD,
AT LEAST IT SHOULDN'T BE.
EVERY NOW AND THEN IT IS.
BUT USUALLY IT'S
JUST LEFTOVER STUFF--
BYPRODUCT
FROM THE FERMENTATION PROCESS.
IF ANY OF IT GETS
DOWN ACTUALLY ON THE PICKLES,
TRY TO GET THAT OFF
BEST YOU CAN. THERE.
LAST STEP--YOU'RE GONNA
WIPE THAT DOWN
WITH A CLEAN PAPER TOWEL
RIGHT ALONG THE EDGE.
TRY NOT TO LET ANYTHING
FALL IN.
YOU'RE GONNA GET A FEW
OF THE HERBS, BUT THAT'S OKAY.
THERE WE GO.
TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR BAG.
MAKE SURE THAT IT'S
RELATIVELY CLEAN--THERE WE GO--
AND RIGHT BACK IN PLACE.
MAKE SURE THAT YOU DON'T USE
TAP WATER FOR THAT.
TAP WATER CONTAINS CHLORINE,
AND CHLORINE WOULD BE BAD.
(whispers)
I'LL BE BACK, SWEETHEART,
IN ANOTHER DAY.
DEPENDING
ON THE MICROORGANISMS,
PARTICULAR TO YOUR REGION,
YOUR PICKLES SHOULD BE
MOSTLY FERMENTED
IN SOMEWHERE FROM 6 TO 10 DAYS.
YOU'LL KNOW
WHEN MOSTLY FERMENTED
HAS BEEN REACHED,
BECAUSE THE BUBBLING WILL STOP.
AT THAT POINT,
YOU'VE GOT SOME CHOICES TO MAKE.
YOU COULD MOVE YOUR PICKLES
TO THE REFRIGERATOR,
REPLACE THE BAG
WITH A LOOSE COVER,
LIKE A PLATE,
AND CONTINUE SCUMMING,
OCCASIONALLY,
FOR ABOUT THREE DAYS.
THE COLD WILL PUT THE BRAKES
ON THE FERMENTATION,
AND YOU'LL HAVE YOURSELF
A POLISH OR HUNGARIAN
DILL PICKLE,
WHICH IS
A VERY NICE PICKLE INDEED.
IF YOU THEN MOVE THE PICKLES
INTO A JAR
AND STRAIN THE JUICE
AND ADD THAT,
COVER IT, KEEP IT REFRIGERATED,
YOU'LL KEEP 'EM
FOR UP TO TWO MONTHS,
IF THEY LAST THAT LONG,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU COULD
JUST LEAVE THESE DOWN HERE
ANOTHER THREE TO FOUR WEEKS
WITH REGULAR SCUMMING,
OF COURSE.
THEN YOU'D HAVE YOURSELF
SOME TRUE POWER PICKLES--
HONEST-TO-GOODNESS
HIGH-OCTANE KOSHER DILLS
SO SOUR IT COULD
TURN YOUR MOUTH INSIDE OUT.
NOW IN THE OLD DAYS,
PICKLES WERE JUST SEALED UP
IN CROCKS OR BARRELS
AND LEFT THAT WAY.
AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE
TO INSTRUCT YOU TO DO JUST THAT,
I KNOW, I KNOW--
THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH
OF A CHANCE OF SPOILAGE,
AND SPOILAGE LEADS TO SICKNESS
AND SICKNESS EVENTUALLY LEADS
TO INCREASED BILLINGS
FROM ITCHY AND TWITCHY--
VERMIN-AT-LAW.
AH, SO UNLESS YOU ARE
WELL-VERSED
IN THE CANNING ARTS,
YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA
WANT TO KEEP
YOUR HOMEMADE PICKLES
SAFELY ENSCONCED
IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR.
(pounding sounds)
(laughs)
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
IF THIS WHOLE FERMENTATION THING
IS JUST NOT WHERE IT'S AT
FOR YOU,
DON'T GIVE UP THE PICKLE.
YOU CAN STILL MAKE WHAT'S CALLED
REFRIGERATOR PICKLES.
JUST CUT YOUR CUCUMBERS
INTO SPEARS,
PACK THEM IN THE SAME BRINE,
IN JARS
AND STICK 'EM IN HERE
FOR THREE TO FOUR DAYS.
YOU'LL HAVE
THE SAME KIND OF PICKLE
THAT MANY DELIS SERVE
ALONGSIDE THEIR SANDWICHES.
THEY'RE GOOD, TOO.
WHAT'S THIS?
I'M NOT GONNA SAY THAT
ON CAMERA!
WE'LL DO IT WITH A TIDBIT.
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
GET OUT OF HERE!
¶
 ¶
¶
SO HAVING GONE THROUGH ALL THIS
PICKLING EFFORT,
WHAT CAN YOU DO
WITH THE FINAL PRODUCT?
WELL, BESIDES
OUT-OF-HAND EATING,
YOU CAN SLICE THEM UP
FOR SANDWICHES.
YOU CAN CUBE THEM
FOR A POTATO SALAD.
YOU CAN BAKE THEM ON PIZZAS
OR MAYBE MIX THEM
INTO A NICE ICE CREAM SUNDAE
FOR YOUR PREGNANT WIFE.
OR OF COURSE,
IF YOUR INSURANCE IS PAID
AND YOU HAVE NO SENSE
OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
AND ACCESS TO SOME RUDIMENTARY
ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT,
YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF A LAMP.
(laughing maniacally)
LIGHTS! POWER!
(laughs)
(machine begins to hum)
PICKLE!
(laughs)
IT'S ALIVE!
HEY, WHAT THE--
WHAT? WHAT IS THIS?
YOU GUYS CAN'T DO THIS!
CLEAR!
THAT'S MY EXPERIMENT.
YOU CAN'T--
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
"SHOULD YOU
EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER,
"EVER ATTEMPT THIS EXPERIMENT.
IT'S DEADLY, HORRIBLE"--
WELL, THAT'S TRUE,
IT IS PRETTY DANGEROUS AND--
YOU--YOU SHOULDN'T
DO THIS--NEVER.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT WE CAN'T DO
OTHER FUN THINGS WITH PICKLES.
OF COURSE, WHEN I'M
IN A QUANDARY, I ALWAYS WONDER,
"WHAT WOULD ELVIS DO?"
HA, I KNOW.
¶
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT ELVIS WOULD HAVE DONE.
HE WOULD'VE FRIED 'EM UP!
THAT'S WHAT HE WOULD'VE DONE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHO THE FIRST COOK WAS
WHO PUT THE WORDS
"FRIED" AND "PICKLE" TOGETHER.
BUT WHOEVER IT WAS,
HE WAS A GENIUS,
BECAUSE NO OTHER APPLICATION
THAT I CAN THINK OF
BRINGS OUT THE PICKLE'S
PICKLE-NESS
QUITE LIKE DEEP-FRYING,
ALTHOUGH THERE IS
A BIT OF A TRICK TO IT.
NOW WE BEGIN
WITH A CAST-IRON DUTCH OVEN
IN THE 4- TO 5-QUART RANGE
WITH JUST ENOUGH OF--
UGH--JUST ENOUGH PEANUT OIL
TO COME
ABOUT HALFWAY UP THE SIDE.
WE HAVE OUR HEAT
SET TO MEDIUM-HIGH
AND OUR THERMOMETER IN PLACE
SO WE'LL KNOW WHEN WE HIT
THE 390- TO 400-DEGREE RANGE
THAT WE DESIRE.
AND IN THE MEANTIME,
PICK OUT
FIVE OF YOUR FINEST
WHOLE DILL PICKLES
AND SPLIT THEM INTO SPEARS--
QUARTERING, THAT IS.
THEN LAY THEM OUT
ON A LONG PIECE OF PAPER TOWEL.
THEN JUST ROLL IT UP.
THE GOAL--
GET OFF THE SURFACE MOISTURE,
BUT DON'T SQUEEZE.
THE REAL TRICK TO FRYING PICKLES
IS IN GETTING
THE CORRECT MARRIAGE
OF DIP AND DREDGE.
NOW I'VE TRIED DOZENS
OF DIFFERENT COMBINATIONS,
INCLUDING INGREDIENTS
LIKE BREADCRUMBS, BEER,
CRUMBLED CRACKERS,
SKIM MILK, EGGS,
JAPANESE BREADCRUMBS,
YOGURT, CRUSHED CORN FLAKES,
SAKE, RICE FLOUR--
I'VE DONE EVERYTHING,
AND BELIEVE ME, THE THING TO DO
IS TO NOT THINK PICKLES.
THINK FRIED CHICKEN,
WHICH OF COURSE LEADS YOU
TO 1 CUP OF BUTTERMILK
AND 2 CUPS OF PLAIN
OLD-FASHIONED CORNMEAL,
WHICH, IF YOU WISH,
YOU COULD SEASON
WITH A TABLESPOON OF SALT.
OR YOUR WELCOME
TO SIMPLY SEASON LATER ON.
NOW HERE'S
HOW THE DIPPING PROCEDURE GOES.
PICKLE INTO THE DIP...
THEN INTO THE DREDGE,
THEN USE A FORK
TO KIND OF TOSS THAT AROUND
SO YOU DON'T GET
CLUB FINGER, RIGHT?
NOW THIS COULD GO
DIRECTLY INTO THE FRY OIL,
BUT YOU WOULD BE
MISSING AN OPPORTUNITY.
SO WE WANT TO RETURN IT
TO THE DIP,
GIVE IT ANOTHER TURN,
AND THEN BACK INTO THE DREDGE
ONE LAST TIME.
NOW I DON'T WANT TO DO THESE
ONE AT A TIME,
OR I'LL GET OUT OF SEQUENCE
ON WHAT'S DONE AND WHAT ISN'T.
SO I'M GONNA
JUST KIND OF STACK THEM UP
FOUR TO FIVE AT A TIME
AND FRY THEM IN BATCHES.
WHEN YOU'RE READY TO MOVE
INTO THE OIL, GET YOURSELF
ANOTHER FORK AND KIND OF MAKE
A LITTLE STRETCHER
AND MOVE OVER INTO THE OIL
THERE NOW, WHEN THE COLD PIECES
FIRST GO IN,
YOU MAY SEE
A LITTLE BIT OF A DROP
IN THE OIL TEMPERATURE,
BUT DON'T TRY TO CHASE IT
AROUND THE DIAL.
IF YOU BOOST IT UP REALLY HOT,
IT'S GONNA GO OVER 400,
AND THAT'LL BE A BAD THING.
I WOULD JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.
IT'LL BOUNCE BACK SOON ENOUGH.
IT'S BEEN TWO MINUTES
AND THESE LOOK DONE.
SO TRANSFER TO A DRAINING RACK
AND ALLOW THEM TO COOL
FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES
BEFORE CONSUMING.
I KNOW, TECHNICALLY
THIS SHOULD BE A SIDE DISH,
BUT WITH A LITTLE
HORSERADISH SAUCE ON THE SIDE,
I THINK OF THIS
AS A MAIN-COURSE OPTION
AND VEGETARIAN, TO BOOT.
MMM--ELVIS WOULD'VE LIKED THAT.
¶
¶
HERE YOU GO, SIR--
ONE PERFECT PICKLE.
ENJOY YOURSELF!
YEP, EVER SINCE I STARTED
MAKING MY OWN PICKLES,
I'VE BECOME PRETTY POPULAR
WITH MY NEIGHBORS.
WHY? BECAUSE THEY KNOW
THAT ON A SCORCHING HOT DAY
LIKE TODAY,
NOTHING IS MORE REFRESHING
THAN A COOL DILL PICKLE.
THEIR CHILDREN,
ON THE OTHER HAND,
HAVE BEEN DUPED
BY IRVING THE ICE-CREAM MAN.
YEAH, HI, IRVING.
HI, MR. BROWN!
HOW ARE THINGS
ON THE LONESOME
SIDE OF THE STREET?
(cackling)
OOH, THEY'RE DUPED
BY ALL THESE POPSICLES.
THEY'RE COLD AND STICKY
AND RED.
IF I COULD JUST COME UP
WITH A WAY OF--
WAIT A SECOND.
I KNOW HOW I CAN FIX
HIS LITTLE 3-WHEELED WAGON.
HA! THIS RECIPE
FROM RURAL MISSISSIPPI
WILL HELP ME FIX
THAT IRVING--OOH.
GET YOURSELF A 1-GALLON JAR
OF WHOLE KOSHER DILL PICKLES,
AND, YES, STORE-BOUGHT IS FINE,
AND DRAIN IT
SO THAT YOU CAN SEPARATE OUT
THE JUICE DOWN HERE
FROM THE PICKLES ABOVE.
SPLIT THE PICKLES IN HALF.
THAT'S GOING TO MAKE
REABSORPTION OF THE BRINE
A LITTLE BIT EASIER.
THERE WE GO.
NOW, TIME TO DOCTOR UP
THE JUICE HERE A LITTLE BIT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
TWO SMALL CONTAINERS
OF UNSWEETENED--NOT SUGAR FREE,
BUT UNSWEETENED--
CHERRY BEVERAGE MIX.
WHAT BRAND? WELL, HERE'S
A LITTLE HINT FOR YOU.
(raspy voice)
OH, YEAH!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE A PITCHER,
NOT A GLASS.
I KNOW, BUT A GLASS
IS CHEAPER TO MAKE!
OH. WELL, DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE GONNA GET IT?
OH, YEAH, FOR SURE!
OKAY, WELL, THANKS!
NO PROBLEM.
I'LL COME BACK
AND GET THE WALL LATER. BYE.
I HOPE THAT CHEAP
LITTLE POP-CULTURE REFERENCE
SET YOU ON THE RIGHT TRACK.
SO TWO SMALL PACKETS
OF UNSWEETENED--
WELL, YOU KNOW--
THAT STUFF--
GOES INTO THE BRINE.
(chokes and gasps)
AND TO THAT WE'LL ADD
1 POUND OF SUGAR.
NOW THAT IS 1 CUP...
2 CUPS...
AND ABOUT ANOTHER 1/3 OF A CUP.
JUST GONNA EYEBALL THAT.
THAT LOOKS ABOUT RIGHT.
OKAY, STIR UNTIL THE SUGAR
HAS DISSOLVED.
PUT THE JUICE ON THE PICKLES,
PUT THE LID ON THE JAR,
PUT THE JAR IN THE REFRIGERATOR
AND LEAVE IT HERE FOR ONE WEEK
BEFORE SELLING...
SERVING.
HERE YOU GO, YOUNG LADY--
ONE FABULOUS, SWEET
COOL-ICLE.
THAT'LL BE A DOLLAR.
THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, KIDS, I'LL SEE YOU
ALL HERE TOMORROW--
SAME TIME--BUT REMEMBER,
PRICE IS GOING UP
TO A BUCK-50, OKAY?
REVENGE IS A DISH
BEST SERVED PICKLED.
HEY, UH--HEY, IRVING!
YOU WANT TO COME OVER
AND HAVE A SWEET,
DELICIOUS COOL-ICLE?
THIS IS
FAR FROM OVER, BROWN!
(laughs)
OH, I THINK
IT'S COMPLETELY OVER.
YOU KNOW,
WE REALLY SHOULD SAY
A LITTLE PRAYER OF THANKS
TO THE CUCUMBER.
IT'S A SIMPLE FRUIT.
IT DIDN'T ASK TO HAVE
GREATNESS THRUST UPON IT.
BUT WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY
TO BE PICKLED ARRIVED,
IT MUST'VE KNOWN
ITS DESTINY WAS AT HAND.
"THIS," IT SAID,
"IS MY OPPORTUNITY
"TO BECOME"--
WELL, YOU KNOW.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.