Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 11, Episode 15 - Apple of My Pie - full transcript

FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS, AMERICANS,

I'VE GOT NOTHING
AGAINST CULINARY GLOBALIZATION.

HECK, I'M DOWN WITH PAD THAI
AND GOULASH

AND EVEN THE OCCASIONAL BOWL
OF VICHYSSOISE,

BUT GOSH DANG IT,

I AM SICK OF SEEING FAMILIES

TOSS ASIDE THE CLASSIC DISHES

LIKE THE ONES
SO LOVINGLY ASSEMBLED

IN THIS HOMEMADE COLLECTION,

IN ORDER TO MAKE MORE ROOM

ON THEIR SHELVES
AND ON THEIR TABLES



FOR RIDICULOUS PAN-ASIAN,
SUB-SAHARAN,

DANISH FUSION CUISINE.

AMERICA, WE HAVE GOT TO GET BACK
TO OUR ROOTS.

(cheers and applause)
TO THAT END,
WE HAVE WRITTEN THE NAMES

OF HUNDREDS OF THREATENED
OR ENDANGERED AMERICAN CLASSICS

ONTO THE CARDS

INSIDE THIS
SPINNING LOTTERY CAGE.

AND WE WILL CHOOSE ONE

ON WHICH TO CONCENTRATE
OUR ATTENTION

OVER THE NEXT HALF-HOUR.

AHH, AND...

THE "GOOD EATS" TREATMENT
GOES TO...

APPLE PIE!
(cheers and applause)

AND WHY NOT?
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING



THAT'S MORE AMERICAN THAN--

OH, HEY, MOM. LOOK, I CAN'T PLAY
BASEBALL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

I'M WORKIN'. BUT I'LL SEE YOU
BACK AT HOME.

WE'LL HAVE
A REAL GOOD TIME THEN.

WE'LL...

JOIN US, WON'T YOU?

BECAUSE APPLE PIE'S
NOT JUST PATRIOTIC, IT'S...

¶

WELL, AMERICA, IF YOU'RE
A LOYAL FAN OF THIS PROGRAM,

YOU KNOW THAT WE'VE DABBLED
ABOUT WITH APPLES IN THE PAST.

WHO CAN FORGET OUR BOURBON-LACED
MICROWAVE APPLESAUCE?

AND ON AT LEAST TWO OCCASIONS,

PIECRUST HAS BEEN THE FOCUS.

BUT IF WE'RE TO SET THINGS RIGHT
WITH OUR NATIONAL DESSERT,

WE NEED TO INVESTIGATE
BOTH OF THESE SUBJECTS ANEW

WITH THE MANUFACTURE
OF AN HONEST AND TRUE APPLE PIE

AS OUR SINGULAR GOAL.

CONSTRUCTING A GOOD PIECRUST

IS A BALANCING ACT, OKAY?

NOW ON ONE SIDE OF THE EQUATION

WE HAVE THE, UH--WELL,
THE STRUCTURAL MEMBERS,

THE STRENGTHENERS,
LIKE THE PROTEIN AND STARCH

AND FLOUR AND WATER,

WHICH HELP THOSE ELEMENTS
COME TOGETHER

INTO A KIND OF, WELL,
CULINARY CONCRETE.

ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE EQUATION,

WE HAVE THE WEAKENERS,
THE TENDERIZERS,

SUCH AS FATS, BUTTER,
LARD AND SHORTENING

AND, OF COURSE, SUGAR.

NOW HOW WE PLAY ONE SIDE
OF THE EQUATION

AGAINST THE OTHER

WILL DETERMINE THE KIND OF CRUST
THAT WE HAVE.

NOW FOR SOMETHING
LIKE A CREAM PIE,

UM, WE MIGHT WANT
A MORE TENDER CRUST.

BUT FOR SOMETHING
LIKE APPLE PIE,

WE NEED A LITTLE MORE STRUCTURE.

SO WE'RE GONNA GO
THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

GOOD. NOW, LET'S BUILD.

WE BEGIN BY WEIGHING OUT
12 OUNCES OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR

AND DUMPING THAT

INTO YOUR FAVORITE
FOOD PROCESSOR.

WE WILL FOLLOW THAT

WITH 1 TEASPOON
OF STANDARD TABLE SALT.

NOW I KNOW
YOU'RE PROBABLY SURPRISED

TO NOT HEAR ME, YOU KNOW,
USING KOSHER SALT,

BUT IT'S JUST TOO BIG
AND CRUNCHY

FOR THIS APPLICATION.

NEXT WE WILL GO
WITH 3 TEASPOONS

OF REGULAR GRANULATED SUGAR.

AND OF COURSE, 3 TEASPOONS
IS 1 TABLESPOON.

VERY GOOD.
I KNEW YOU'D GET THAT.

NOW JUST SLAP ON THE LID

AND SPIN IT
FOR JUST A FEW SECONDS

TO BRING THE MIXTURE TOGETHER.

THERE, THAT SHOULD DO IT.

NOW WE BRING THE FAT
TO THE PARTY,

STARTING WITH 6 OUNCES
OF CHILLED, UNSALTED BUTTER

CUT INTO ABOUT 1/2-INCH PIECES.

JUST PULSE THAT
FIVE OR SIX TIMES

UNTIL THE TEXTURE JUST BEGINS
TO LOOK KIND OF MEALY.

THAT LOOKS GOOD.

NOW WE BRING 2 OUNCES
OF CHILLED VEGETABLE SHORTENING

TO THE BOWL--
SMALL CHUNKS, PLEASE.

PULSE ANOTHER THREE
TO FOUR TIMES,

OR JUST UNTIL INCORPORATED.

SINCE THEY HAVE
DIFFERENT MELTING POINTS,

THE BUTTER AND THE SHORTENING
WILL WORK TOGETHER

TO CREATE A BETTER TEXTURE.

NOW ONCE THAT'S IN,
WE'RE GONNA NEED A LIQUID--

NOT MUCH, BUT ENOUGH
TO HYDRATE THE FLOUR

AND ACTIVATE A BIT OF GLUTEN.

UH, LET'S SEE,
BESIDES APPLE JUICE

OR EVEN APPLE CIDER,
WE COULD USE WATER.

BUT WHY BOTHER WHEN WE'VE GOT--
AH, LET'S SEE...

AH, APPLEJACK!

IF APPLE PIE IS
THE MOST AMERICAN OF DESSERTS,

THAN THIS IS THE MOST AMERICAN

OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.

YOU CAN KEEP
YOUR FRENCH CALVADOS.

THIS APPLE BRANDY,
DISTILLED FROM HARD CIDER,

IS WHAT AMERICA DRANK

BEFORE THERE WAS
A BOURBON INDUSTRY.

GEORGE WASHINGTON TURNED
HIS APPLES INTO THIS STUFF,

AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN SERVED IT

AT THE TAVERN THAT HE USED
TO RUN IN SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS.

ALTHOUGH APPLEJACK USED TO RUN

ANYWHERE FROM 50
TO A WHOPPING 120 PROOF,

THESE DAYS IT'S KEPT
TO 70% ALCOHOL BY LAW,

AND IT'S AGED IN WOOD
FOR AT LEAST ONE YEAR.

AND YES, I'M PUTTING IT
IN THE PIE.

I'M PUTTING IT IN THE PIE
TO THE TUNE OF 5 TABLESPOONS,

RIGHT ON TOP.

AND THEN JUST PULSE

UNTIL IT COMES TOGETHER
INTO KIND OF BIG HUNKS--

YEAH, LIKE THAT.

THERE--THAT'S
WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

NOW I KNOW YOU--
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU'RE THINKING
THAT'S TOO MUCH LIQUID,

THAT IT'S GONNA WHIP UP
WITH ALL THAT FLOUR

TO CREATE TOO MUCH GLUTEN
AND, THEREFORE, A HARD CRUST.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT
TO SAY TO THAT? UNH-UNH!

SEE, APPLEJACK CONTAINS
A LOT OF ETHYL ALCOHOL,

AND ALCOHOL WON'T COMBINE
WITH WHEAT PROTEINS

TO MAKE GLUTEN
THE WAY THAT WATER DOES.

DON'T BELIEVE ME?

LET'S DO A LITTLE EXPERIMENT,
SHALL WE?

IN GO THE FLUIDS,

SEE? WATER AND WHEAT FLOUR--

BIG GLUTENY, GLUEY MESS.

ETHYL ALCOHOL AND FLOUR--
NOT SO MUCH.

THE ALCOHOL, THOUGH,
WON'T MAKE GLUTEN,

BUT IT WILL HYDRATE
THE FLOUR GRANULES,

MAKING THE RESULTING DOUGH
A LOT EASIER TO HANDLE.

SO YOU GET THE BEST
OF BOTH WORLDS--

A DOUGH YOU CAN WORK WITH
WITHOUT TOO MUCH OF THIS,

AND, OF COURSE, YOU GET
THE ADDED APPLE FLAVOR.

NOW SINCE ALCOHOL BOILS

AT, UM, 172.4 FAHRENHEIT,

MOST OF THE ALCOHOL
WILL COOK OUT

DURING THE BAKING PROCESS.

DIVIDE THE DOUGH IN HALF
BY WEIGHT.

SHAPE EACH HALF INTO A DISK,
WRAP IN PLASTIC WRAP

AND CHILL
FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR

AND UP TO OVERNIGHT.

THAT WILL GIVE THE FAT
TIME TO RESOLIDIFY

AND THE FLOUR TIME TO SOAK UP

ALL THAT LOVELY APPLEJACK.

TECHNICALLY SPEAKING,

THE ONLY NATIVE AMERICAN APPLE
IS THIS ONE--

THE CRAB APPLE,

A SMALL, BITTER,
DISTANT RELATIVE OF THE FRUIT

THAT NOW DOMINATES
GROCERY STORE PRODUCE AISLES,

WHICH MOST
BOTANICAL HISTORIANS AGREE,

CAME TO BEING
IN ONE OF THE "STANS,"

MOST LIKELY KAZAKHSTAN.

SO HOW IS IT, THEN,
THAT THE AMERICAN LANDSCAPE,

FROM WASHINGTON STATE
TO NEW YORK,

PENNSYLVANIA TO GEORGIA,

IS SO STREWN
WITH DIFFERENT TYPES OF APPLES?

HOWDY.
HOWDY.

YES, JOHN CHAPMAN,
OR "JOHNNY APPLESEED,"

REALLY DID EXIST.

HE REALLY DID PLANT
AN AWFUL LOT OF APPLE TREES

AROUND OHIO, ILLINOIS
AND INDIANA.

AND HE REALLY DID WEAR
A POT ON HIS HEAD.

ANYWAY, THE REASON

THERE ARE SO MANY APPLES
IN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY

IS THAT A LOT OF IMMIGRANTS
FROM THE OLD WORLD

CAME HERE WITH APPLE SEEDS
IN THEIR POCKETS.

AND THEY PLANTED THOSE SEEDS,
AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM

CREATED A NEW, DIFFERENT VARIETY
OF APPLE.

APPLES ARE KIND OF LIKE HUMANS
THAT WAY.

ANYWAY, THERE'S UNFORTUNATELY
NOT A PERFECT APPLE-PIE APPLE.

IT'S JUST NOT A SOLO PART.

TO DO THE PIE JUSTICE, YOU
REALLY NEED AT LEAST A QUARTET.

NOW IF APPLES ARE GROWN,

YOU KNOW, LOCALLY,
WHERE YOU LIVE,

I STRONGLY SUGGEST
YOU SEEK OUT AND TRY

AS MANY COMBINATIONS
OF THOSE APPLES

AS YOU REALISTICALLY CAN.

OTHERWISE, YOU MAY USE
THIS LIST,

WHICH I FEEL DOES AS GOOD
OF A JOB AS CAN BE DONE

BY NATIONALLY AVAILABLE
VARIETIES.

HERE'S WHAT I GO WITH--

FOR TANG,
THE GRANNY SMITH APPLE...

FOR SWEETNESS,
THE HONEYCRISP APPLE...

FOR ITS TEXTURE,
THE GOLDEN DELICIOUS...

AND FOR ITS, WELL,
BEING DIFFERENT, THE BRAEBURN.

OH, AND FOR ONE PIE,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED

3 TO 3 1/2 POUNDS OF APPLES,

EVENLY DIVIDED
BETWEEN THESE VARIETIES.

EXCUSE ME.

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE PIE
RIGHT AWAY,

STORE YOUR APPLES
IN A PLASTIC BAG IN THE FRIDGE.

AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THEM COLD,
THEY'LL STAY FRESH FOR WEEKS.

BACK IN THE DAYS
BEFORE REFRIGERATION,

APPLES WOULD BE PLACED
IN BARRELS

AND SUNK IN RIVERS OR LAKES
FOR THE WINTER.

IN SPRING,
THEY WERE FRESH AS DAISIES.

WHAT AM I THINKING?
I WANT PIE NOW.

ALTHOUGH A HOST OF GIZMOS EXIST

FOR THE EXPRESS FUNCTION
OF PEELING APPLES FOR PIE,

I FIND THAT AS LONG
AS WE'RE TALKING

ABOUT LESS THAN 10 POUNDS,

I'M BETTER OFF WITH JUST A GOOD
OLD-FASHIONED PEELER, LIKE THIS.

I LIKE THE ONES
WITH THE SERRATED BLADES,

BY THE WAY.

NOW I HAVE TO ADMIT

THAT WHEN IT COMES TO CORING
AND SLICING THESE APPLES,

I DO HAVE A WEAKNESS
FOR A PARTICULAR GADGET,

AN APPLE CORER,

BUT NOT ONE LIKE THIS
THAT ONLY HAS EIGHT BLADES.

NO, THIS IS A PUNY UNITASKER.

I GO FOR THE 12-BLADED MODEL,

WHICH IS NOT ONLY GOOD
FOR APPLES,

BUT PEARS
AND EVEN SMALL PINEAPPLES.

IT WILL CREATE PERFECTLY UNIFORM
1/2-INCH SLICES,

WHICH IS CRUCIAL,

BECAUSE IF THE PIECES
AREN'T UNIFORM,

THE PIE WILL NOT SET
AND COOK EVENLY.

ONCE YOU'VE HARVESTED
YOUR SLICES,

MOVE THEM ALL BACK TO A BOWL
AND TOSS

WITH 1/4 OF A CUP OF PLAIN
OLD-FASHIONED SUGAR.

ONCE YOU'VE GOT THAT TOSSED IN,

YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO MOVE
THE APPLES

AND WHATEVER SUGAR
IS STILL HANGING ONTO THEM

INTO A COLANDER.

THEN PUT THE BOWL
BACK UNDERNEATH THAT,

SO WE CATCH EVERY BIT OF LIQUID

THAT DRAINS AWAY.

THERE. WE'RE GONNA LET THIS
JUST SIT AND DRAIN

FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF--

JUST ENOUGH TIME
FOR A LITTLE TRIP TO THE BEACH.

LET'S SAY
THAT THIS FABULOUS SEASIDE ABODE

IS A SLICE OF APPLE,

AND THAT THE LOVELY LADIES
INSIDE ARE WATER MOLECULES.

THEN LET'S SAY THAT WE ADD
SUGAR TO THE PARTY.

NOW BEING SERIOUSLY HYDROSCOPIC,

SUGAR'S SILENT SONG
CALLS TO THE AQUA GIRLS,

EVENTUALLY COAXING THEM OUT
TO MINGLE WITH HIM

TO FORM A SWEET SYRUP
THAT WE WILL THEN DRAIN AWAY.

IF ENOUGH WATER
VACATES THE PREMISES,

THE APPLE WILL COLLAPSE,
AT LEAST PARTIALLY.

ALTHOUGH APPLE COLLAPSE
SOUNDS RATHER CATASTROPHIC,

IT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD THING,

BECAUSE IF THE APPLES
DON'T COLLAPSE

BEFORE THEY GO IN THE PIE,

THEY WILL COLLAPSE
AFTER THEY'RE IN THE PIE,

DURING THE BAKING PROCESS,

AND THAT COULD LEAVE YOU

WITH A PHENOMENON
CALLED THE PIE DOME,

WHICH LOOKS LIKE THIS.

AHH, SEE? WHAT HAPPENS HERE

IS THAT THE STARCH AND PROTEIN
OF THE CRUST SET

WHILE THERE'S STILL A BIG PILE
OF APPLES INSIDE.

AND THEN AS THE APPLES
COLLAPSE DOWN,

YOU'RE LEFT
WITH THIS BIG DOUGH DOME,

WHICH IS NOT GOOD EATS,

UNLESS, OF COURSE, MAYBE YOU
STUFF IT WITH MARSHMALLOW CREAM

AND THEN YOU--NO.
THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

NOW WHILE OUR
SUGARED APPLES DRAIN,

LET'S CONSIDER THE REST
OF THE SOFTWARE,

BEGINNING WITH SPICES.

RIGHT UP FRONT, LET ME SAY

THAT CINNAMON, CLOVES,
ALLSPICE AND NUTMEG

ARE ALL FINE SPICES,

BUT THEY'VE GOT
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

TO DO WITH APPLES, OKAY?

IF YOU WANT YOUR APPLE PIE
TO TASTE LIKE PUMPKIN PIE,

GO AHEAD.
IT'S YOUR FOOD.

ME? I'M KEEPING IT CLEAN,

WITH JUST ANOTHER 1/4 CUP
OF SUGAR,

1/4 TEASPOON OF SALT

AND 1/4 TEASPOON
OF GRAINS OF PARADISE,

FRESHLY GROUND.

NOW YOU MAY REMEMBER
AFRAMOMUM MELEGUETTA

FROM OUR OKRA SHOW.

IT'S ALSO CALLED
ALLIGATOR PEPPER,

ALTHOUGH IT DOESN'T TASTE
LIKE PEPPER OR ALLIGATORS,

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU CAN EASILY FIND THIS THROUGH
INTERNET SPICE PURVEYORS.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BOTHER,

CONSIDER THE TRADITIONAL
SCANDINAVIAN SPICE FOR APPLES,

CARAWAY,
IN THE SAME AMOUNT.

NEXT UP--THE FRIDGE,

WHERE OUR APPLE-PIE FILLING
SOFTWARE CONTINUES

WITH 2 TEASPOONS
OF FRESHLY SQUEEZED LIME JUICE

TO KEEP THE ACIDITY UP,

A TABLESPOON OF APPLE CIDER.

AND I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU--
IN A PINCH,

YOU COULD JUST USE A LITTLE BIT
MORE OF THE OLD APPLEJACK.

AND 2 TABLESPOONS OF APPLE JELLY
FOR FLAVOR

AND TO HELP BIND THE APPLES
TOGETHER VIA PECTIN,

A KIND OF FRUIT GLUE
THAT HOLDS CELL WALLS TOGETHER.

IT'S LIKE GELATIN,
ONLY A CARB, NOT A PROTEIN.

ALTHOUGH WE COULD USE
A WIDE VARIETY OF STARCHES

TO SUCCESSFULLY BIND OUR PIE,

I PREFER A FLOUR
GROUND FROM CASSAVA,

CALLED TAPIOCA FLOUR.

I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT DISSOLVES
MORE EASILY THAN CORNSTARCH.

IT DOESN'T GUM UP LIKE FLOUR.

IT GELS AT A WIDE RANGE
OF TEMPERATURES,

EVEN IN THE FREEZER.

AND IT GIVE EVERYTHING IT
TOUCHES A NICE, SPARKLING SHINE.

BY NOW THE APPLES WILL HAVE
GIVEN UP QUITE A BIT OF JUICE.

AND ALTHOUGH WE DON'T WANT THEM
IN THE APPLES,

DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE
DON'T WANT THEM IN THE PIE.

SO INTO A SMALL SAUCE PAN
OR SAUCIER

AND OVER MEDIUM HEAT

UNTIL IT REDUCES DOWN
TO A GLAZE OF 2 TABLESPOONS.

NOW WE ASSEMBLE THE REST
OF THE FILLING.

¶

TIME TO CONVERT
THESE DOUGHY ROUNDS

INTO A CRUNCHY CRUST.

FIRST WE NEED OUR STATION SET.

I HAVE HERE SOME FLOUR,

JUST ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR
FOR SPRINKLING.

I'VE GOT A NICE,
BIG, OPEN, CLEAN EXPANSE.

I'VE GOT A ROLLING PIN.

I PREFER FRENCH--
THAT IS ONE WITHOUT HANDLES.

AND WE'LL NEED A COUPLE FEET
OF WAX PAPER

ON WHICH WE WILL
ACTUALLY DO THE DEED.

A LITTLE BIT OF FLOUR GOES DOWN,

'CAUSE THIS IS STICKY STUFF,

AND THE FIRST DISK COMES OUT.

A LITTLE FLOUR ON TOP OF THAT,

FOLD OVER THE WAX PAPER

AND THEN ROLL.

AND I JUST KINDA LIKE ROLLING

IN ONCE DIRECTION,
THEN THE OTHER AND THEN TURN--

ALL THE WAY AROUND.

WE'RE LOOKING TO BRING THE DOUGH
ALL THE WAY OUT

TO THE EDGE OF THE PAPER--
JUST ABOUT 12 INCHES.

THIS IS
A RELATIVELY MOIST DOUGH,

SO IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE
A LOT OF DOWNWARD PRESSURE.

JUST BARELY PUSH DOWN
ON THE ROLLING PIN

AS YOU PUSH IT AWAY FROM YOU.

TURN AND ROLL. DON'T WORRY
IF YOU GET A FEW CRACKS

OR IF A FISSURE OPENS UP.

IT'LL PATCH UP LATER,
SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IF THINGS START TO FEEL
TOO STICKY, PEEL BACK THE PAPER,

ADD A LITTLE FLOUR
AND KEEP GOING.

THERE. NOW WHEN YOU GET
ONE DONE,

MOVE TO NUMBER TWO,

AND WE WILL USE
THE SAME METHODOLOGY.

TIME TO PAN UP.

NOW THE TRADITIONAL
METAL PIE PAN

OR GLASS PIE PLATE

MIGHT SEEM THE LOGICAL,
IF NOT OBVIOUS, CHOICES HERE.

PERSONALLY, I'VE NEVER MANAGED

TO CUT AND REMOVE
A PIECE OF PIE FROM ONE OF THESE

WITHOUT MAKING A BIG MESS--

WELL, CREAM PIE, MAYBE,
ONCE OR TWICE, BUT FRUIT? NEVER.

WHAT I NEED IS A PAN
THAT WILL ALLOW ME

TO GET A CLEAN SHOT
AT THE SIDE AND BOTTOM CRUST

WITHOUT HAVING TO NEGOTIATE

ALL OF THESE NASTY CURVES
AND ANGLES.

THE ANSWER IS--

NOT A SPRINGFORM PAN!

I THOUGHT I'D GOTTEN RID
OF ALL THESE WRETCHED VESSELS.

YUCK! I WOULDN'T EVEN USE
ONE OF THOSE FOR A CHEESECAKE.

NO, WHAT I NEED IS

A TART PAN.

THE SIDE AND THE BOTTOM ARE
TWO PIECES FOR EASY DE-PANNING,

AND THESE RIDGES WILL MAKE

FOR A VERY
PLEASANTLY CRUNCHY CRUST.

THE TART PAN ALSO MAKES LOADING
OF THE DOUGH EXTRA EASY.

JUST FLIP THE BOTTOM PIECE OVER
ONTO YOUR DISK,

REPLACE THE WAX PAPER,
FLIP IT OVER

AND THEN FOLD THE EDGES
OF THE DOUGH

UNTIL EVERYTHING IS UP
ONTO THE BOTTOM OF THE TART PAN.

THEN YOU JUST DROP IT
DOWN INSIDE--EASY.

FOLD OUT THE EDGES AND DON'T
WORRY IF THEY CRACK OR TEAR.

YOU CAN TAKE OFF THE EXCESS
AND PATCH THE HOLES.

THERE, JUST PUSH IT DOWN
AGAINST THE FLUTES.

THERE, THAT'S IT.

OKAY, TIME TO LOAD UP
THE FRUIT, RIGHT?

WELL, NOT SO FAST.

IF WE FILL THIS UP WITH APPLES,
WHICH ARE FULL OF MOISTURE,

AND THEN WE CLAMP ON
AN UPPER CRUST,

WE PUT IT IN THE OVEN,
THE MOISTURE TURNS TO STEAM.

THE STEAM EXPANDS
AND BLOWS OUT THE TOP OF THE PIE

LIKE MOUNT VESUVIUS.

NOW WE COULD GET AROUND THIS

BY PUTTING A LOT OF SLITS
IN THE CRUST

OR MAKING A LATTICE TOP.

BUT STILL, FILLING IS GONNA
COME UP OVER THE EDGES,

MAKE A BIG, STICKY, UGLY MESS

AND PROBABLY A GOOD BIT OF SMOKE
WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

THERE IS A WAY
AROUND THIS, HOWEVER.

CHECK OUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S
TCHOTCHKE SHELF,

AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL FIND

AT LEAST A COUPLE OF PIE BIRDS.

DEVELOPED IN ENGLAND

DURING THE PIE-CRAZED
19th CENTURY

THE BIRD IS
BASICALLY A CERAMIC STEAM STACK

DESIGNED TO VENT
A PIE'S INTERNAL PRESSURE.

THE BLACKBIRD IS STANDARD--

A PLAY ON "4 AND 20 BLACKBIRDS
BAKED IN A PIE."

IF YOU CAN'T FIND ONE
AT A KITCHEN STORE OR ONLINE,

YOU CAN MAKE ONE
OUT OF ALUMINUM FOIL, LIKE THIS,

OR YOU CAN DO WHAT I DID

AND JUST, WELL, TAKE THEM

WHEN YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S ASLEEP.

OKAY, FINALLY, WE BUILD.

PIE BIRD--
DEAD IN THE CENTER--BOOM.

THE APPLES WE'LL START LAYERING
FROM THE OUTSIDE IN,

WHICH IS CONVENIENT
BECAUSE THE CURVE OF THE APPLE

ACTUALLY MATCHES
THE CURVE OF THE PAN.

THE GOAL HERE
IS TO OVERLAP THEM EVENLY

AS YOU GO AROUND.

JUST MAKE ANOTHER CIRCLE

AND THEN ANOTHER CIRCLE
INSIDE THAT ONE

UNTIL YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE.

THERE. NOW START BUILDING
ANOTHER LAYER ON TOP OF THAT

AND MOVE OUTWARD.

THE GOAL--TO HAVE ALL THE APPLES
EVENLY INTERLACED

AND PILED SLIGHTLY HIGHER
IN THE MIDDLE THAN THE OUTSIDE.

OF COURSE, BEING ABLE

TO KIND OF PILE THINGS
AGAINST THE PIE BIRD

HELPS IN DOING THAT.

NOW WHATEVER LIQUID IS REMAINING
IN THE BOWL,

GO AHEAD AND POUR THAT OVER.

THE TOP PIECE OF CRUST
JUST GETS LAID RIGHT OVER,

AND KIND OF POKE THE LITTLE
BIRDIE'S HEAD THROUGH.

AND THEN SEALING THIS IS SIMPLE.

JUST USE THE HEEL OF YOUR HAND

AND JUST PUSH DOWN
AGAINST THOSE CRIMPS.

LET THE PAN DO THE WORK FOR YOU.

AGAIN, IF ANY SPLITS
OR TEARS SHOW UP,

LIKE THAT ONE, WE'LL PATCH.

NOW THE FINAL STEP

IS THE REDUCTION--
THE GLAZE THAT WE MADE.

WE JUST WANT TO BRUSH THAT ON.

YOU SEE,
IT'S PRETTY STICKY STUFF.

THAT'S GONNA ADD
A GOOD BIT OF FLAVOR

AND, BECAUSE
OF THE SUGAR, COLOR.

JUST TRY NOT TO GET IT
RIGHT UP AGAINST THE EDGE

WHERE THE PAN IS

OR IT WILL LITERALLY GLUE
THE PIE TO THE PAN.

REMOVE THE BOTTOM RACK
FROM YOUR HOT BOX.

CRANK IT TO 425 DEGREES

AND SLIDE YOUR PIE

RIGHT ONTO THE FLOOR
OF THE OVEN.

THIS WAY THE BOTTOM OF THE PIE
WILL BROWN AND COOK QUICKLY,

BEFORE THE APPLES HAVE A CHANCE
TO GET TOO FAR ALONG.

THAT'S IMPORTANT.

AFTER 30 MINUTES,

WE NEED TO GET THE PIE
OFF OF THE FLOOR OF THE OVEN

SO THAT THE CRUST
WON'T ACTUALLY BURN.

SO MOVE A RACK INTO THE LOWEST
OR NEXT TO LOWEST POSITION,

GET THE PIE BACK IN

AND THEN BAKE
FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.

AHH, TIME IS UP.

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY SORRY
THAT WE HAVEN'T WORKED OUT

THAT SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF
TELEVISION YET,

BECAUSE NOTHING STINKS UP
A HOUSE QUITE AS PRETTY

AS APPLE PIE.

NOW THE HARD PART--

AMERICA, THIS PIE MUST COOL

FOR A MINIMUM OF FOUR HOURS.

IT'LL TAKE THAT LONG
FOR THE APPLE PECTINS

AND THE TAPIOCA STARCH
AND THE JELLY TO SET.

SKIP THIS
AND YOU WILL HAVE COBBLER.

BELIEVE ME, YOUR PATIENCE
WILL BE REWARDED.

YOU KNOW, AUNT BEA
MIGHT HAVE BEEN OKAY

PARKING A PIE IN THE WINDOWSILL,

BUT SHE DIDN'T LIVE
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHEN THE TIME FINALLY COMES
TO CUT THAT PIE,

HERE'S HOW WE DE-PAN.
THIS IS THE COOL PART.

JUST FIND SOMETHING

THAT IS NARROWER
THAN THE BOTTOM OF THE TART PAN

AND--AH-HA--OFF IT COMES.

I LOVE THAT.

YOU CAN EITHER USE A SPATULA
AND A PARING KNIFE

TO KIND OF JIMMY OFF
THAT BOTTOM PLATE,

OR YOU CAN JUST LEAVE IT
IN PLACE, WHICH IS WHAT I DO.

ALWAYS CUT
WITH A SERRATED KNIFE.

IT'S A LOT EASIER ON THE CRUST.

AND JUST KINDA CARVE
AROUND THE LITTLE BLACKBIRD.

HERE I COME, BIRDIE.

IN CLOSING,
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT--

I DON'T REALLY THINK I NEED
TO SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME
ON "GOOD EATS," AMERICA.

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