Good Eats (1999–2012): Season 11, Episode 1 - Milk Made - full transcript



(Alton) JOHN WAYNE ATE STEAK.

OF COURSE, BEFORE HE ATE STEAK

OR ANYTHING ELSE,
FOR THAT MATTER,

HE DRANK MILK.

ALL MAMMALS DO.

MILK IS, IN FACT,

THE ONLY NATURALLY OCCURRING
FOOD STUFF ON EARTH

THAT EXISTS SOLELY TO FEED.

THINK ABOUT IT.

THE PLANTS AND ANIMALS WE EAT
ALL HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES,



AND, WELL, HONEY,
WELL, TECHNICALLY,

THAT IS A MANUFACTURED PRODUCT.

BUT MILK, BE IT FROM COW,
YAK, DONKEY,

GOAT, SHEEP OR HUMAN,

IS SO CHEMICALLY COMPLEX

THAT SCIENTISTS ARE STILL
ATTEMPTING TO UNRAVEL

ITS MYSTERIES.

(cow mooing)

EQUALLY ENIGMATIC
IS HOW WE MILK DRINKERS

EVOLVED THE ABILITY
TO DIGEST MILK BEYOND INFANCY

WHEN MOST OF THE PLANET
CAN'T STOMACH THE STUFF.
(helicopter flying)

(man) MR. BROWN,
THIS IS THE FOOD POLICE...
HEY.

AND WE KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DRINKING.

THESE DAYS MILK
EVEN HAS A LITTLE BIT



OF A CONTROVERSY
SURROUNDING IT.
DON'T RESIST.

STICK WITH US,
WON'T YOU,

BECAUSE IT'S HIGH TIME
THAT WE TAKE A CLOSER LOOK

AT A FOOD THAT HAS
GOT MORE CULINARY POWER

THAN A CHICKEN EGG.

MILK--IT'S MIRACULOUS,
NOT TO MENTION...

¶

OUR FRIENDS IN THE CHOPPER
ARE CLEARLY MINDFUL OF THE FACT

THAT ALTHOUGH RAW MILK CAN BE
FULL OF LOVELY FLAVOR COMPOUNDS,

IMMUNOGLOBULINS
AND DIGESTIVE ENZYMES,

IT CAN ALSO HARBOR
SALMONELLA, LISTERIA,

CAMPYLOBACTER, E. COLI
AND STAPHYLOCOCCUS,

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY ALMOST
EVERY STATE IN THE UNION

HAS SOME KIND OF LAW RESTRICTING
THE SALE OF RAW MILK.

AND, WELL, IT'S NOT THE COW'S
FAULT, BELIEVE ME.

IT'S JUST THAT THE SYSTEMS THAT
GET MILK FROM MOO TO MARKET

ARE EXTREMELY COMPLEX.

THE FACT THAT SAFE MILK
MAKES IT TO MARKET AT ALL

IS PRIMARILY DUE
TO THE SCIENTIFIC ADVANCEMENTS

MADE BY TODAY'S GUEST.

BORN IN THE JURA REGION
OF FRANCE IN 1822,

THIS CHEMIST WENT ON TO BECOME
THE FATHER OF BACTERIOLOGY.

HE COLLECTS BUNSEN BURNERS,

ENJOYS PIÑA COLADAS
AND WALKS ON THE SAND.

PLEASE WELCOME LOUIS PASTEUR.

PROFESSOR PASTEUR PROVED

THAT BACTERIA
CAN BE CONTROLLED WITH HEAT,

AND HE DEVELOPED A PROCESS
FOR KILLING PATHOGENS

IN SEALED CONTAINERS OF LIQUID.

TODAY PASTEURIZATION IS STILL--

MR. BROWN, YOU MIGHT
AS WELL GIVE IT UP

AND COME ALONG
PEACEFULLY.

NEVER. MILK FROM MY OWN
COW IS PROTECTED

UNDER SECTION 256
OF THE FOOD CODE.

AND PUT THE BUCKET
IN THE BUCKET.
(speaking French)

OH, IT'S TERRIBLE, PROFESSOR--
THE FOOD POLICE.

(speaking French)

COME ON, BROWN.
(speaking French)

NO, DON'T GO OUT THERE,
PROFESSOR! DON'T!

THEY'VE GOT A--
WHAT'S WITH
THE SILLY FRENCHMAN?

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND,
FRANCO-AMERICAN RELATIONS

AREN'T WHAT
THEY USED TO BE.

TAKE AIM, BOYS.
(explosions)

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE
A MARK IN THE YARD.

WHERE WERE WE?
OH, YEAH, PASTEURIZATION.

THERE ARE A LOT
OF WAYS TO DO THAT.

FOR INSTANCE,
THE MILK CAN BE HEATED

UNDER PRESSURE, OF COURSE,

TO 145 DEGREES FOR HALF AN HOUR

OR 161 DEGREES FOR 15 SECONDS.

AND THE U.H.T., OR ULTRAHIGH-
TEMPERATURE METHOD--

THE TOP TEMPERATURE--
IS A WHOPPING 280 DEGREES.

BUT IT IS HELD THERE
ONLY FOR TWO SECONDS,

AND THEN IT IS RAPIDLY CHILLED.

SINCE TIME IS MONEY,

FASTER METHODS
MEANS CHEAPER MILK PRICES.

BUT I FEEL RELATIVELY CERTAIN
THAT THE LOW-AND-SLOW METHOD

PRODUCES BETTER FLAVOR AND BODY,

BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

OH, THE OTHER PROCESS THAT MOST
COMMERCIAL MILK GOES THROUGH--

HOMOGENIZATION.

(doorbell rings)
COMING.

BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN GUYS IN
WHITE UNIFORMS AND FUNNY HATS

USED TO DELIVER MILK
RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR--

HIYA, BUD.
MR. BROWN.

HEY.
SEE YA TOMORROW--
YEAH.

YOU USED TO HAVE
TO TAKE THE MILK

AND GIVE IT A REALLY, REALLY
GOOD SHAKE BEFORE YOU DRANK IT.

WHY? I'LL TELL YA.

TAKE A REALLY CLOSE LOOK
AT A BOTTLE OF MILK,

AND--LIGHTS--YOU'LL FIND
A TEMPORARY EMULSION

OF FAT GLOBULES IN A WATER BASE.

NOW SINCE FAT
IS LESS DENSE THAN WATER,

IT SHOULD FLOAT TO THE TOP,

BUT THE GLOB-ETS ARE SO TINY

THAT BY THEMSELVES THEY DO NOT
POSSESS THE NECESSARY LIFT.

LUCKILY, THERE IS SPECIAL
PROTEINS THAT ACT LIKE TUGBOATS

SHOVING GLOBULES TOGETHER
INTO MEGA GLOBS.

THAT, LIKE A BIG
BUNDLE OF BALLOONS,

HAVE QUITE A BIT OF LIFT.

THIS PHENOMENON
IS CALLED CREAMING,

AND IN MODERN MILK, IT IS
PREVENTED VIA HOMOGENIZATION.

THE PROCESS IS SIMPLE.

BY USING HIGH PRESSURE

TO SPRAY MILK
THROUGH A VERY TINY ORIFICE,

THE FATS ARE BROKEN UP
INTO SUCH TINY MICRO GLOBULES

THAT THEY CAN NEVER
COME BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

THE RESULT--STABLE, HOMOGENIZED

AND EVER SO SLIGHTLY
BORING MILK.

THERE. NOW BECAUSE
OF ITS PARTICULAR PROTEINS,

MILK HAS ACTUALLY
BEEN USED AS A PAINT BASE

SINCE, WELL, THE DAYS WHEN
CAVE WALLS STOOD IN FOR CANVAS.

I THINK IT'S BETTER, YEAH.

CAKE AND MILK--

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S
A FINER CULINARY COMBO

ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.

IN FACT, JUST ABOUT
THE ONLY THING YOU COULD DO

TO IMPROVE THIS SCENARIO IS...

YEAH, THAT'LL BE GOOD.

OF COURSE, THERE IS LUCKILY
A NEATER AND MORE FLAVORFUL WAY

TO PULL THIS OFF.

IT IS CALLED TRES LECHE CAKE
OR TRES LECHES CAKE,

AND IT IS AS NORTH AMERICAN
AS APPLE PIE.

THING, CLEANUP AISLE TWO.

OH, LET'S SEE HERE.

NOW TRES LECHE CAKE,
OR CAKE OF THREE MILKS,

HAS A FASCINATING HISTORY.

AND, WELL, HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW.

THE CUISINES OF COLONIAL CENTRAL
AMERICA--AH, HERE WE GO--

WERE HEAVILY INFLUENCED
BY EUROPEAN BAKING

AND EMBRACED SOAKED CAKES,
LIKE SOPA DORADA,

A MEDIEVAL CLASSIC
CONTAINING TOASTED BREAD

AND ENOUGH WINE TO KEEP IT FROM
GOING BAD FOR, LIKE, FIVE YEARS.

FAST-FORWARD
TO THE MID-20th CENTURY.

TO HELP SELL THEIR PRODUCTS,

A MILK COMPANY IN MEXICO BEGAN
PRINTING TRADITIONAL RECIPES

ON THEIR CANS OF EVAPORATED
AND SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK.

ONE OF THE RECIPES
IS FOR PASTEL TRES LECHE.

IT WAS AN INSTANT SENSATION,

AND IN THIS KITCHEN,
IT STILL IS.

OH, YEAH. LET'S DANCE.

THE FINAL TEXTURE OF THIS CAKE
DEPENDS A GREAT DEAL

ON BAKING TO AN EVEN THICKNESS.

AND THAT DEPENDS A GREAT DEAL

ON YOUR MIDDLE OVEN RACK
BEING LEVEL.

NOW IF YOU FIND
THAT YOUR RACK IS ASKEW,

JUST USE THE LITTLE
ALUMINUM FOIL WEDGE

TO SET THINGS
AS STRAIGHT AS POSSIBLE.

WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
SET YOUR CONTROLS FOR 350.

PHASE ONE OF TRES LECHES
CONSTRUCTION--

MAKE A SPONGE,

OR AT LEAST A CAKE
THAT ACTS LIKE A SPONGE,

WHICH IS NOT TO SAY THAT
WE ARE GONNA MAKE OURSELVES

A SPONGE CAKE.

START BY CREAMING
ONE STICK OF BUTTER--

THAT IS 4 OUNCES UNSALTED--
IN YOUR STAND MIXER.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY CREAM?

WELL, I MEAN BEAT THIS STUFF

UNTIL IT BASICALLY RESEMBLES--
I DON'T KNOW--

REALLY THICK MAYONNAISE.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE HAVE...

ADD TO THAT...

...AND...

WHISK TO COMBINE.

THAT LOOKS GOOD.

NOW DROP THE SPEED TO LOW,
AND GRADUALLY SPRINKLE IN...

THAT'S BY WEIGHT, NOT VOLUME.

IT SHOULD TAKE ABOUT A MINUTE
TO WORK THIS IN.

WE REALLY NEED
EACH LITTLE SUGAR GRANULE

TO PUNCH A HOLE INTO THE BUTTER.

IF YOU RUSH THIS,
THE TEXTURE WILL BE TOAST.

THERE, THAT'S WHAT
YOU WANT TO SEE.

IT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE
MASHED POTATOES.

NEXT TO THE PARTY--FIVE EGGS.

ADD ONE, AND THEN WAIT

UNTIL YOU DON'T SEE IT AT ALL
IN THE BATTER ANYMORE

BEFORE YOU INTRODUCE ANOTHER.

THERE, YOU WANT
TO CREATE AN EMULSION,

AND SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT SLOWLY.
WHY SO MANY EGGS?

WELL, ALTHOUGH
THEY DO CONTAIN FAT,

BY AND LARGE, EGGS ARE BUILDERS,
STRENGTHENERS,

BECAUSE OF PROTEIN,

AND WE ARE DEFINITELY
GOING TO NEED THAT STRENGTH.

YOU'LL SEE WHY.

FOLLOW THAT WITH...

THERE.
TIME TO ADD THE DRY GOODS.

YOU WANT TO DO THIS
IN THREE INSTALLMENTS

WITH A SPEED LOW ENOUGH

SO THAT YOU DON'T, YOU KNOW,
THROW FLOUR ALL OVER THE ROOM.

NICE AND SLOW, PLEASE.

THERE. KILL THE MOTOR.

NOW IT IS TIME TO PAN UP.

SCOOP YOUR NEWBORN GOO
INTO A WELL-LUBED AND FLOURED

9x13-INCH BAKING PAN.

NOW THERE'S
A LOT OF EGG IN HERE,

SO IT IS GOING
TO BE VERY, VERY STICKY.

ONCE YOU'VE GOT THAT IN,

YOU'RE GONNA WANT
TO SMOOTH IT OUT BEST YOU CAN

SO THAT IT WON'T COOK WITH A BIG
OLD HUMP IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,

WHICH IT WILL IF YOU DON'T.

I KIND OF LIKE TO SPIN
THE PAN AROUND AS I GO

AND JUST SMOOTH IT OUT.

I LIKE USING
A BOWL SCRAPER LIKE THIS,

BUT YOU CAN USE JUST A PLAIN
OLD SPATULA IF YOU WANT.

THERE. I'LL GET
THAT OFF AND, UH--

AND THIS IS READY
TO GO IN THE OVEN NOW.

SO HERE WE GO.

AND I KNOW THIS DOESN'T LOOK
LIKE ENOUGH BATTER FOR THIS PAN,

BUT KEEP IN MIND

THERE'S MORE STUFF
GOING IN HERE LATER ON.

THERE. NOW BAKE
FOR 20 TO 25 MINUTES

OR UNTIL THE CAKE
IS LIGHTLY GOLDEN

AND REACHES
AN INTERNAL TEMPERATURE

OF 200 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT--

MY VERY FAVORITE CAKE DONENESS.

MEANWHILE, WE'LL ASSEMBLE
THE SECOND-TIER SOFTWARE.

THIS DESSERT
MAY DERIVE ITS BODY FROM CAKE,

BUT ITS SOUL
COMES FROM TRES LECHE--

THREE FORMS OF MILK,

TWO OF WHICH WE FIND
IN THE PANTRY.

WE REQUIRE THE SERVICES
OF 1 12-OUNCE CAN

OF EVAPORATED MILK

AND 1 14-OUNCE CAN
OF SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK.

NOTICE THAT THE SMALLER ONE
IS HEAVIER.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

WELL, BOTH EVAPORATED
AND SWEETENED CONDENSED MILKS

HAVE HAD CLOSE TO 60%
OF THEIR MOISTURE REMOVED.

NOW EVAPORATED MILK IS REDUCED.
IT IS HOMOGENIZED.

IT HAS BEEN FORTIFIED WITH
VARIOUS VITAMINS AND MINERALS,

AND IT IS SEALED
AND THEN STERILIZED,

WHICH IS WHY IT
KIND OF HAS A BROWN COLOR.

THAT IS CARAMELIZATION.

SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK
IS REDUCED

AND THEN MIXED WITH AN ALMOST
EQUAL PORTION OF SUGAR.

THE RESULTING GOO IS SO SUGARY

THAT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
STERILIZED TO BE PRESERVED.

IT DOES, HOWEVER,

HAVE TO BE COAXED OUT OF THE CAN
A LITTLE BIT. THERE.

NOW THE THIRD MILK COMES
FROM THE REFRIGERATOR.

WE NEED 1 CUP
OF HALF-AND-HALF.

NOW AT 10.5% TO 18% BUTTERFAT,

THE HALF-AND-HALF WILL NOT ONLY
PROVIDE ADDITIONAL LIQUID.

IT WILL ALSO GIVE US
A NICE FRESH MILKY FLAVOR

THAT THE CANNED MILKS
JUST DON'T POSSESS.

SO STIR THIS TOGETHER,

AND WAIT FOR YOUR CAKE.

(sniffs)

WELL, IT CERTAINLY SMELLS DONE,

LOOKS DONE AND FEELS DONE,

AND IT TEMPS DONE.

NOW IT IMPERATIVE THAT THIS CAKE
COOLS FOR 30 MINUTES ON A RACK

BEFORE WE MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT STEP.

GRAB YOURSELF FOUR SKEWERS,

AND PRODIGIOUSLY PERFORATE.

AH, THERE.

NOW WE'RE READY TO BRING ON
THE DAIRY GOODS.

JUST POUR IT ON.

IT IS GOING TO LOOK
LIKE IT WILL NOT ALL FIT,

BUT IT WILL.

THERE.

NOW OBVIOUSLY, TRYING TO MOVE
THIS AROUND AT THIS POINT

WOULD BE A BAD IDEA.

IT'S GONNA SLOSH
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

BUT WAIT ABOUT, OH, I DON'T
KNOW, THREE MINUTES,

AND IT'LL LOOK LIKE THIS.

THERE. PRETTY COOL, HUH?

OF COURSE, UH, THE CAKE HAS ONLY
PARTIALLY ABSORBED THE DAIRY.

TO REALLY TAKE IT IN,

NOW THAT'S GONNA TAKE
A NIGHT IN THE COOLER.

NOW THAT'S GONNA TAKE
A NIGHT  THE COOLER.

IT'S THE NEXT DAY,
AND AS YOU CAN SEE,

NO EVIDENCE OF THE MILKY
MESS REMAINS.

TIME NOW FOR THE FINAL
TRES LECHE PHASE--THE TOPPING,

WHICH TAKES ADVANTAGE
OF THE CURIOUS FACT

THAT MILK PRODUCTS CONTAINING
BETWEEN 30% AND 40% BUTTERFAT,

LIKE HEAVY CREAM,

CAN BE WHIPPED
IN TO A STABLED FROTH.

THAT IS A BIG FAT
PILE OF BUBBLES.

2 CUPS OF CHILLED HEAVY CREAM

GO IN THE WORK BOWL
OF YOUR FAVORITE MIXER,

FOLLOWED BY 8 OUNCES--
1 CUP--OF SUGAR

AND A LITTLE VANILLA EXTRACT.

LET'S SAY ABOUT A TEASPOON.

AND JUST DO THAT BY EYE.

STIR THIS ON LOW SPEED AT FIRST,

OR, WELL, YOU'LL REGRET IT.

WHEN IT GETS KIND OF THICK
AND FROTHY LIKE THAT,

GO AHEAD AND TURN THE SPEED UP

TO THE HIGH SIDE OF MEDIUM.

THERE. NOW AFTER A FEW MINUTES,
CHECK THE PEAKS.

THE BEST WAY TO DO THIS--

THERE. THAT'S ON THE HIGH SIDE
OF MEDIUM.

I'LL DEFINITELY TAKE THAT.

BETTER TO UNDER WHIP A LITTLE
THAN TO OVER WHIP.

PERFECT.

THERE. ONCE YOU'VE GOT
THE WHIPPED CREAM IN PLACE,

YOU SHOULD REFRIGERATE THIS
TWO HOURS BEFORE SERVING.

HA-HA--NOT!

NOPE, WE DIG IN RIGHT AWAY.

I WILL SAY THIS. IF THERE
DO HAPPEN TO BE LEFTOVERS,

AND I'M SAYING
THAT THERE WILL BE,

YOU SHOULD COVER THIS WITH
PLASTIC WRAP BEFORE STOWING,

BECAUSE CREAM LOVES TO SOAK UP
REFRIGERATOR FLAVORS.

NOW EXCUSE ME. HA-HA-HA-HA.

ONE OF THE UNIQUE ASPECTS
OF MILK IS ITS SUGAR--LACTOSE--

A DISACCHARIDE, OR DOUBLE SUGAR,

COMPOSED OF ONE MOLECULE EACH,
GLUCOSE AND GALACTOSE.

NOW LACTOSE IS NOT
AS SWEET ON THE TONGUE

AS SUCROSE, OR TABLE SUGAR,

WHICH CAN BE A VERY GOOD THING.

FOR PROOF, WE TURN
TO ANOTHER MILKY MARVEL

FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER--

DULCE DE LECHE,
A.K.A. DUL-CHE DE LECHE,

WHICH TRANSLATES TO MILK JAM.

DULCE DE LECHE PROBABLY EVOLVED
NOT AS A CONFECTION,

BUT AS A WAY OF PRESERVING MILK
WITHOUT REFRIGERATION

IN TROPICAL CLIMES.

...GOES INTO A LARGE SAUCEPAN,

WHICH WE WILL
PUT TO MEDIUM HEAT.

THERE WE GO.

NEXT 12 OUNCES BY WEIGHT--
THAT'S 1 1/2 CUPGAF SU-OR

AND...

NOW THIS GUY WE NEED
TO BREAK IN HALF

OR STRIP OUT AND SEED.
YOU CAN DO THAT WITH A KNIFE,

BUT I THINK IT'S
A LOT EASIER TO DO

WITH ONE OF THESE
LITTLE MULTITASKERS.

THIS IS CALLED A BEAN FRENCHER.

WE CAN JUST KIND OF STICK
THAT IN ONE SIDE

AND PULL IT OUT THE OTHER.

AND INSTANTLY WE'VE GOT A NICE
SPLIT MULTIPIECE VANILLA BEAN.

HA HA HA HA HA.

STIR UNTIL THE SUGAR HAS MELTED.

THE SUGAR HAS DISSOLVED,

SO WE'RE READY
FOR THE SECRET INGREDIENT...

WHICH WILL INCREASE
THE pH OF THE MIXTURE.

THAT WILL PROMOTE BROWNING.

IT'LL ALSO PREVENT THE WHEY
PROTEINS FROM COAGULATING

AND FORMING NASTY LITTLE GRIT
IN THE FINAL PRODUCT.

REDUCE THE HEAT TO LOW,

AND COOK UNCOVERED FOR ONE HOUR,
STIRRING OCCASIONALLY.

AND DON'T BE SHOCKED
IF IT FOAMS UP A LITTLE.

THAT'S JUST THE SODA.

TIME FOR THE VANILLA BEAN
TO LEAVE THE PARTY.

COOK IT ANY MORE,

AND IT'LL START THROWING OUT
NASTY FLAVORS.

NOW WE'RE GONNA
CONTINUE TO COOK THIS

FOR ONE AND A HALF
TO TWO MORE HOURS

UNTIL THE MIXTURE REDUCES
TO A MERE CUP--

THAT'S RIGHT, A CUP--AND IS
THE COLOR OF DARK CARAMEL.

THIS LOOKS GOOD.
I'M GONNA KILL THE HEAT.

AND JUST IN CASE WE'VE PICKED UP
ANY PROTEIN CLUMPS,

WE WILL STRAIN.

AND I LIKE TO PUT
THE STRAINER IN THIS POT

JUST TO GIVE IT
A LITTLE SECURITY.

GOT JUST A REGULAR
MASON JAR UNDER THERE.

REFRIGERATE
FOR UP TO FOUR WEEKS.

TRUTH IS IT'LL KEEP A LOT
LONGER THAN IT'LL LAST,

IF YOU GET MY MEANING.

DULCE DE LECHE
APPEARS IN HUNDREDS

OF LATIN AMERICAN DESSERTS,

SUCH AS ALFAJORES,
AN ARGENTINEAN COOKIE,

AND TEJA, A PERUVIAN CONFECTION.

BUT IT'S ALSO GREAT
ON ICE CREAM, CAKE

OR MY FAVORITE, A SPOON.

IT LOOKS AND FEELS
A LOT LIKE CARAMEL,

BUT THE FLAVOR IS MORE COMPLEX

AND THE SWEETNESS
LESS OVERWHELMING.

MMM. EXCUSE ME,
I NEED A LITTLE PRIVATE TIME.

MMM. EXCUSE ME,
I NEED A LITTLE PRIVATE TIME.

SINCE WE HAVE CONSIDERED
A CULINARY ADVANTAGE OF LACTOSE,

IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT WE EXAMINE

A CURIOUS BIOLOGICAL
DISADVANTAGE OF ISSUE.

THIS BOND HOLDING THE GLUCOSE

AND GALACTOSE
MOLECULES TOGETHER--

IT IS REFERRED TO AS
A BETA 1-4 GLYCOSIDIC LINKAGE.

NOW WHEN WE ARE BABIES...
(doll) MAMA.

OR INTESTINES SECRETE AN ENZYME
CAPABLE OF BREAKING THIS BOND,

THUS FREEING THE SUGARS.

BUT ONLY THOSE
OF NORTHERN EUROPEAN,

MIDDLE EASTERN, INDIAN
AND MASAI DECENT

RETAIN THIS ENZYME
INTO ADULTHOOD.

NOW SAY HI
TO MY CAMERAMAN ROMAN.

HI.
HEY, ROMAN.

NOW HERE, I WANT YOU TO TASTE
OUR DULCE DE LECHE.

YEAH, GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

MMM.
HOW IS IT?

IT'S DELICIOUS.
YEAH.

I'M LACTOSE MAN!
WHY, LOOK, EVERYBODY,
IT'S LACTOSE MAN.

YOU REMEMBER
LACTOSE MAN, DON'T YA?

I BET YOU REMEMBER
LACTOSE MAN.
I REMEMBER
LACTOSE MAN.

OOH!
OOH.

I'M NOT A DOCTOR,
BUT THAT HAD TO HURT.

I'M LACTOSE MAN!

YEAH, UM, YOU KNOW,
I'M BETTING

THAT THERE IS SOME EITHER
SOUTHERN EUROPEAN

AND/OR NATIVE AMERICANS SWIMMING
AROUND IN ROMAN'S GENE POOL.

OHH, CURSE
MY MULTICULTURAL HERITAGE.

(coughs)

AS THE BACTERIA IN ROMAN'S COLON
CHOW DOWN ON THAT LACTOSE,

CONSIDERABLE DISCOMFORT RESULTS,

DUE IN LARGE PART TO THE RAPID
ACCUMULATION OF... WELL...

OKAY, PEOPLE,
LET'S CLEAR THIS ROOM.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET
SAT ON HER TUFFET

EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY.

ALONG CAME A SPIDER
AND SAT DOWN BESIDE HER...

AAH!

AAH!

(laughing)

AND TERRIFIED LITTLE MISS MUFFET

BEYOND THE BOUNDARIES OF SANITY.

OH, LOOK, THE POOR DEAR
LEFT HER CURDS AND WHEY,

WHICH IS DANG CLOSE
TO COTTAGE CHEESE,

WHICH, BESIDES BEING DELICIOUS,

IS A FINE EXPRESSION
OF MILK'S TWO PROTEINS--

CASEIN AND WHEY.

ALTHOUGH I'LL ADMIT I'M NOT
A HUGE FAN OF SKIM MILK,

IT DOES PERFORM
ONE PARTICULARLY COOL TRICK.

PLACE A GALLON OF IT
IN A LARGE SAUCEPAN,

AND PUT OVER MEDIUM HEAT

UNTIL A RELIABLE THERMAL
GUESSING STICK

INDICATES A TEMPERATURE
OF 120 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

AT THAT POINT,
TURN OFF THE HEAT,

AND STIR IN...

IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

SOMETHING STRANGE
AND WONDERFUL WILL HAPPEN.

GIVEN HALF AN HOUR OR SO,
THIS MILK WILL, INDEED, CURDLE

AS THE CASEIN
SEPARATES FROM THE WATER,

CONTAINING THE MILK'S
OTHER PROTEIN, WHEY.

WHEN IT DOES,
DRAIN THE WHOLE MASS

IN A COLANDER LINED WITH
A TEA TOWEL FOR FIVE MINUTES.

THEN GATHER UP THE EDGES
OF THE TOWEL,

AND RINSE THE CURD
UNDER COLD RUNNING WATER

FOR THREE TO FIVE MINUTES,

KNEADING THE CURD
UNTIL IT IS NICE AND COOL.

THEN JUST BREAK IT
INTO LITTLE BITS,

AND POUR ON 1/2 A CUP
OF HALF-AND-HALF,

SPRINKLE ON A TEASPOON
TO A TEASPOON AND A HALF

OF KOSHER SALT AND DEVOUR.

I PROMISE YOU
YOU'LL NEVER BUY

STORE-BOUGHT
COTTAGE CHEESE AGAIN.

WELL, YOU MIGHT,
BUT YOU WON'T LIKE IT.

AAH! AAH!
AAH!

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