Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 9 - Come Blow Your Top - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

How about it, Hacker, let's go.

Just take it easy, Vince.

All right, son.

Why don't you just
sleep on it tonight.

We'll talk about
it again tomorrow.

I'm sure everything
will work out all right.

Ten minutes with that kid.

What are you, the chaplain?



What can I do?

Whenever my boys have a problem,

they come running to me.

I guess I must be
their father image.

Okay, okay.

Just play the cards, Pop.

Hey, Vince, you didn't
look at my cards, did you?

Me?

Would I do a thing like that?

New deal.

What do you mean new deal?

I had a good hand.

The minute you threw
your jack of spades I'd...

Uh, what I mean
is, I had a hand...



I know what you mean.

That's why it's a new deal.

I guess it's all part
of being a sergeant.

What's part of what? What?

Having to wet-nurse these guys.

Listening to their troubles.

Sure, sure, just deal.

I don't know what it is
between me and them.

I guess it's what
you could call rapport.

Unfortunately, that's something

that you ain't got
with your men.

What are you talking about?

I rapport with my men
just as good as you.

Oh, yeah?

Do they ever confide in you?

Do they ever come to
you with their problems?

What's that got
to do with rapport?

Besides, I ain't no Dear Abby.

I look at it as all
part of the job.

I mean, a guy like
me... I've been around.

I've seen everything.

I know all the angles.

I can give them the
benefit of my experience.

Will you draw a card?

Ah, you see?

That's why your men
don't come to you.

You've got no patience.

You lose your temper too easily.

Yeah, yeah, will you play cards?

Your men are
afraid of you, Vince.

Oh, they might respect
you, they might even like you,

but you're not well-liked.

Did you know that, Vince?

You are not well-liked?

I'm well-liked! I'm well-liked!

Now, for Pete's sakes,
will you take a card?

I don't have to. I got gin.

Hit the road! Come
on, let's move!

Move it! Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it! Move it!

Come on, fall in.

Let's go, you
creeping knuckleheads.

Move! Move! Move!
Move! Move! Move!

All right, before we get
started on today's details,

I want to prove something.

I want to prove that I've
got rapport with all my men.

Okay, who has a problem
he'd like to discuss with me?

Anybody. Something you'd
like to get off your chest.

Well, don't just stand there
like a bunch of knuckleheads,

get off the dime.

Who's got a problem?

Look, somebody's
got to have a problem

he'd like to discuss
with someone

who's older and
wiser and patient.

Now, who is it, come on?!

Okay, dummies...

I'm standing here ready to help,

and you're too stupid
to take advantage.

You don't want to have rapport

with a father image, don't!

Rapport!

Them knuckleheads
wouldn't understand it

if it hit 'em in the mouth! Huh?

Nothing.

Slater, do you like me?

Huh?

I asked you a simple question.

Do you like me?

Sure I like you, Sarge.

How much do you like me?

Well, I like you, Sarge.

But not well, huh?

Okay.

Sergeant.

What do you want, Pyle?

Well, I've got this problem,

and it's personal

and that's how come I
didn't speak up outside.

Well, come on in.

Come in.

Now, what is your problem?

Well, I'm kinda
embarrassed about this.

I've never discussed
it with anybody before.

Huh?

Oh, uh, Slater,
would you excuse us?

Oh, sure, Sarge.

Okay, Pyle.

But I did want to talk
it over with somebody

that's wiser and
older and more patient

like you said you are.

Okay, okay, let's hear it.

Well,

the last time I went to
the dentist for a checkup,

he said I had this underbite.

Now, it's not a bad one,
and it can be corrected.

I never had it done as a child,

but he says it ain't
too late to do it now.

Now, what I need is a retainer.

Now, that's one
of them steel wires

that sits in your mouth.

It'd fit over these
front teeth like that.

And it's held in
place by a strap

that goes all the way
around your neck.

Now, the good part about it is

I wouldn't have to
wear it during the day,

but just at night
when I go to bed.

But I'm not really sure I
want to go to all that bother.

And, well, I'd have to
wear it for an awful long time

and, well, I just don't know.

What do you think, Sergeant?

Get out of here.

But, Sergeant...

You got your nerve bothering me

with your stupid underbite!

But, Sergeant, you
said... I said out!

And don't come bugging me

with anymore of
your stupid problems!

Well, Sergeant, I... Out!

Slater, get him out of here!

I'm a Sergeant not a dentist.

Out! Get out! Gomer,
you better get out of here.

Get out of here!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh," what "uh-huh"?
What? What? What?

Like I said, you
got no patience.

You can't help keep
blowing your top.

Did you hear that
stupid discussion?

What to do about
his stupid underbite.

I don't care what it's about.

You're not supposed
to lose your temper.

What are you talking about?

I don't lose my temper any
more than anybody else.

Come on, you couldn't go one day

without blowing your stack.

Oh, why don't you
knock it off, Hacker.

I'm in full and complete
control of myself.

I'll say it again.

You can't go one day
without blowing your top.

Bet? Bet!

I'll bet you I can
go as long as I want

without even raising my voice.

Ten bucks?

Ten bucks? Why so chintzy?

Let's make it hurt, say $50?

All right, pal, you got a deal.

24 hours.

And remember that me
and my boys will be watching

and listening every
minute for the explosion.

The only explosion
you're gonna hear

is the champagne corks popping

when I spend the dough.

Slater, make a note.

It is exactly 1700.

At this time tomorrow,
I'll be collecting the bet.

We'll see. We'll see.

Just remember.

Big Brother is listening.

The easiest dough I ever made.

I don't know, Sarge.
24 hours is a long time.

Are you trying to
tell me I can't...!

I can control it, Slater.

I can control it.

Hiya, Pyle.

Hi, Sergeant Hacker,
Corporal Jensen.

Hiya, Pyle.

Say, I happened to overhear
part of your conversation

back there in the Duty Hut.

What was it that you and
Sergeant Carter were discussing?

Oh, well, I don't
really think it's anything

you'd be interested in.

No, I am.

Well, it's-it's
kind of personal.

Pyle, you can talk to me.

Was it something
about an underbite?

That's right.

It was about my underbite.

Why do you say I
wouldn't be interested?

I happen to be very
interested in underbites.

Really?

Sure.

Is that what you've got?

I always thought you
had a pretty nice bite.

Oh, no.

You see how my lower
teeth jut out further

than my upper ones? Yeah.

Well, the dentist says
that can be corrected

with a retainer.

But I wasn't sure I wanted
to go to all the trouble.

And that's what I was
asking sergeant Carter about.

I wanted his advice.

Yeah, well, that's an
important problem, Pyle.

I know if one of my
men came to me with it.

I'd sure try to advise
him what to do.

Sergeant Carter
wasn't too interested.

I really can't blame him.

It's not his problem.

Ah, no.

You probably just
caught him in a bad mood.

As a matter of
fact, only last week

he was telling me how much
he misses counseling with you.

You know, those father-son talks

you two used to have together.

He misses those.

You've been ignoring him, Pyle.

You really think so?

I'm positive.

I know your sergeant.

He was probably busy

when you tried to talk
to him, now, wasn't he?

No, he was just sitting there.

Just sitting and thinking,

and you interrupted
his train of thought.

You see, Pyle, creative
men like Sergeant Carter

don't like to have their
train of thought interrupted.

Oh, I'd try him again.

Well, maybe I will.

I'd sure value somebody
else's opinion on this.

Then go, my boy.

You couldn't find a
more understanding man

than Sergeant Carter.

You know, Jensen, I made
this bet only ten minutes ago.

This maybe the
fastest payoff in history.

Okay, Sarge, tetanus shots...

check off
Dumbrowski, Fitzgerald,

Naspo, Griffith,
Einecker, Banducci...

Slater!

Will you slow down?

I gotta make X's.

Sergeant Carter? Huh?

Hi, Gome. Naspo... Hi, Duke.

Excuse me, Sergeant. Griffith...

But are you on a
train of thought?

What? What?

Well, I didn't want to
interrupt your train of thought.

What is it, Pyle?

Well, it's about that problem
I was talking to you about.

My underbite?

Pyle, I told you...! Sarge.

What about it?

Well, I'm not sure

if I made it clear enough

how important it is.

The underbite don't
affect my talking,

but then on the other hand,

I don't get all the good
out of chewing that I should.

You've probably noticed

that I'm always the
last one in the platoon

to finish an ear of corn.

Do it, Pyle, do it.

Get the retainer?

Yeah, Pyle. Go. Right away.

Well, ain't that something!

Here I've been saying "yes"
one minute and "no" the next.

And you come up with
a decision just like that.

It's just what I needed.

Yeah, Pyle. Go.

Make an appointment.

I sure will, Sergeant.

And thank you.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Oops!

Boy, I'm sorry, Sergeant.

Just go, Pyle.

Just... go.

Uh... should I
get another chart?

He didn't blow.

That's all right.

It's just a matter of
time. I don't know, Sarge.

Maybe we should try and
get to the rest of his platoon.

No, we got to the right man.

All we got to do is let Pyle
and nature take their course.

Come on.

All right, men, fall out.

Come on, let's move.

Move! Move! Move! Move!

Oh, Pyle.

Your shirt is still
sticking out a bit.

Uh, tuck it in, will you please?

Yes, sir, Sergeant, I sure will.

Good, son.

Very good.

Golly, Sergeant, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you
was coming out.

That's, uh, that's
all right, Pyle.

It's my own fault.

I should always
watch where I'm going.

Carry on.

What you doing here, Pyle?

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

I finished policing up the area

and had a little
time before lunch,

so I thought I'd
spruce up in here.

Uh, you don't have to. Really.

Oh, I don't mind, Sergeant.

I like doing things for you.

Some other time, Pyle.

I'm almost finished.

All I got to do is dust up here.

Oh!

My sword!

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was
up there, Sergeant.

Did you break it?

No, Sergeant, there's no damage.

Not even a scratch.

Well, we can be
grateful for that.

That sword means a lot to me.

I captured it from
an enemy officer

during the Inchon landing.

Yeah, it's all right
here in the inscription.

Don't worry, Sergeant.

There ain't no damage, see?

Golly, Sergeant!

Did I hurt you?

No, no.

There's no blood.

You just broke
the skin a little.

Slater... Hi, Sarge. Shh!

Do you see Pyle anywhere around?

No. Good.

Maybe I can get to the mess
hall without running into him.

Think you're gonna make it?

I'll make it, I'll make it.

I just hope the
time passes fast.

I'm getting cramps
holding it in.

I'll be all right if I can
just stay away from Pyle,

but I'm getting cramps, Slater.

Hey, Sergeant!

Up here!

Huh?

I just wanted to let you know

that I got an appointment
with the dentist for tomorrow.

Pyle, be careful
with that can of paint!

Oh, this is just the thinner.

This is the paint.

He's made of iron.

Yeah.

It don't look like
nature's taking its course.

So I think I'll have
to help it along a little.

All right.

Did you know Colonel
Gray was going to be

on this inspection?

No, but it sure ain't
gonna do any harm.

Good.

Sergeant... Yes, sir.

What is that?

It looks like a
dead chicken, sir.

Would you mind telling
me what it's doing in there?

I don't know, sir.

Pyle...

what is this dead chicken
doing in your locker?

Golly!

Well, I ain't got the
faintest idea, Sergeant.

I never saw it before.

He never saw it before, sir.

Get rid of it.

Yes, sir!

Ten-hut!

Carry on.

Get rid of the chicken, Pyle,

just get rid of it.

Yes, sir.

Left, right, left!

Left, left!

Platoon... halt!

Right face!

Dismissed.

Golly, I wonder what's
wrong with Sergeant Carter.

He ain't been
acting hisself lately.

Yeah, he hasn't
yelled once all day.

You think he's becoming human?

Well, that's not a
very nice thing to say.

Something's eating at him.

He seems so low and depressed.

Hey, Eddie, would you
take these things for me?

I'm gonna see if there's
anything I can do for him.

How much longer, Slater?

Two hours and 15 minutes, Sarge.

Getting out and yelling
didn't do any good, huh?

No. It ain't the same
as yelling at somebody.

Do you think you can hold out?

I got to.

Hacker ain't gonna win this bet.

All I got to do is keep
Pyle out of my hair.

Sergeant... Is there
something wrong?

Nothing. Not...

You're having
stomach pains, ain't ya?

Just stay away from me, Pyle.

I was just worried about
you, is all, Sergeant.

'Cause if you are
having stomach pains,

you know what would be good?

Grandma Pyle used to
always cure us young'uns with...

I'll be all right,
Pyle. Just go.

Are you sure that
there's nothing I can do?

Gomer, he just
has to rest a while.

He'll be okay. Well,
I don't know, Duke.

It's not good to
let these things go.

If he's feeling colicky,
the best thing to do is just...

Don't worry about it.
He'll be fine in a few hours.

Here are those requisitions
you wanted, Sarge.

Thanks, Jensen.

Only two hours and
five minutes to go.

It's getting close.

You may lose yourself
50 bucks, Sarge.

I don't think so.

What makes you so sure?

You're losing faith in our
secret weapon, Jensen.

Secret... Huh?

Pyle, he's not
gonna let us down.

I don't know. The way
things have been going...

Sergeant Hacker?
Yeah, what is it, Pyle?

Could I borrow some
bicarbonate and a lemon?

What for?

Well, it's for Sergeant Carter.

He's having stomach pains.

Oh?

And I'd thought I'd fix him up

some of Grandma
Pyle's stomach medicine.

A half a lemon and two
tablespoons of bicarbonate

and some sassafras root.

You don't have to give
me the sassafras root;

I keep that in my locker.

Yeah. Well, to tell
you the truth, Pyle,

I don't think that
would do him any good.

You see, his
problem isn't physical.

It's mental.

Mental? That's right.

For some strange reason,

which I can't
possibly figure out,

I noticed that he's been
holding himself in lately,

you know, keeping
everything inside of him.

Well, then the bicarbonate
wouldn't do any good.

Are you kidding?

Could be the worst
thing in the world for him.

All that soda, bubbling
up inside there.

He could blow up.

Would you like to see
your sergeant blow up?

Oh, no.

He needs a jolt, a real jolt...

Like a shock treatment.

Let me think. Uh... I got it.

That sword that he
keeps in the duty hut,

that's his most prized
possession, right?

Oh, yeah. He's real
fussy about that sword.

Then it's simple:

All you got to do is
walk in and break it,

right in front of his eyes.

Well, you mean break
his prized sword, why?

Well, like I said, Pyle,
to make him blow.

Look, you wouldn't really
be breaking his prized sword.

I'll pick up a cheap
souvenir sword

that looks like it.

You know, when he's not around,

I'll substitute it. See?

You break the phony;
he'll blow; he'll be cured;

then you can tell
him it was just a fake.

Well, I still don't know.

Look, Pyle.

You walk in in a half an hour.

By that time, I will have
substituted the sword.

You break the sword;
you've saved your sergeant.

Well, okay.

I just hope you know
what you're doing.

Trust me, Pyle. In
a half hour, right?

All right. Good.

Where you gonna
get a substitute sword?

What substitute sword?

Yeah, Pyle?

What are you doing
with my sword?

You already cleaned it.

On, I'm not gonna clean it.

Then what are you
going to do with it?

I'm gonna break it.

Come on, Sergeant,
don't hold it in.

Let it out of your spout.

It'll be good for you.

Pyle... just... go.

Golly.

It didn't work.

And all the time, Sergeant
Hacker thought it would.

Huh?

What'd you say about
Sergeant Hacker?

He was just as worried
about you as I was,

and so we did this to help
you let off some steam.

You know, to get rid
of them stomach pains.

And he talked you
into breaking my sword?

Oh, you don't have
to worry about that.

Sergeant Hacker substituted it.

This ain't your sword.

This is just a cheap fake.

See, it says right here:

"Captured at Inchon by
Corporal Vincent Carter..."

He didn't substitute it.

He lied to me, Sergeant.

Why would he do
a thing like that?

Fifty bucks, Pyle.

What?

We had a bet that I couldn't
got 24 hours without yelling.

And he was sabotaging
me by using you.

Well, I don't know what to say.

I broke your sword.

I broke it right in two.

I won, Pyle, don't you see?

I won!

He threw everything
he could at me

and I fielded it.

What about this
sword you captured?

Look, I feel so good,
I'll level with you.

I didn't capture
that sword at Inchon.

You didn't? No.

I won it in a card
game at Inchon.

Not that I still
don't treasure it.

But when I collect
that bet from Hacker,

I'll use some of the
dough to get it fixed.

That's right, 'cause
all you got to do

is solder this half to this.

Golly.

Broke the skin again, Sergeant?

I got it won, Slater.

I got it won. Not
so fast, Sarge.

You still got 10 minutes to go.

Aw, come on.

Good news! Good news!

I just came from
Sergeant Hacker,

and he said you beat
him fair and square

and he paid off the bet.

He conceded ahead of
time, he gave you the 50?

He sure did.

You see? It's over.

I never had any
doubts about winning.

That's one thing I
learned in the marines...

Control, complete self-control.

It was knocked into
me in boot camp,

and I never lost it.

Control, Slater, control.

Nobody or nothing can rattle it.

Okay, Pyle. Let's have the cash.

Yes, sir.

What's this?

Sergeant Hacker's I.O.U.

I.O.U?

He didn't give you cash?

Well, he said he didn't
have the cash right now,

and he'd wondered if
you'd accept an I.O.U.,

and I took it upon myself to
say that I thought you would.

Oh, it's good, Sergeant.

See, that's his
signature, right there.

You knucklehead.

Who asked you to stick
your nose in my business?

Who asked you to
take a worthless I.O.U.?!

Where do you get
off taking it on yourself

to accept I.O.U.s for me?

Stay out of my bets, Pyle.

Stay out of my bets,
and stay out of my life.

And get out of here

before I shove this
paper down your throat.

Get out of here!
Out! Out! Out..!

Too bad, Vince. Huh?

All you had to do was hold
out just another five minutes.

30, 40, 45, 50.

Thank you very much, Vincent.

A pleasure doing
business with you.

And don't take it too hard.

Look at it as part
of your education.

And just remember to
stay in the minor leagues

and don't go fooling
around with an old pro.

Sergeant Hacker?

Yeah, Pyle.

Now that you've got the $50,

you'll probably want
to take care of this.

Take care of what?

Well, this I.O.U. from
you to Sergeant Carter.

Don't you remember?

It's your signature
and your handwriting.

Hey, now wait a minute.

Yeah, you owe me 50 clams.

It says so right here on paper.

But, Vince, that's not ethical.

Oh, yeah?

It's just as ethical
as you setting Pyle up

to break my sword.

Besides, which, it's legal.

But, but... No buts.

Thank you very much.

It's a pleasure doing
business with you.

Well, ain't that fine.

Nobody won and nobody lost.

That's the best
kind of gambling.

Sergeant Hacker, are
you having stomach pains?

Well, it might not be physical.

It could be mental.

Why don't you
try yelling a little?