Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Return of Monroe - full transcript

Lou-Ann's old boyfriend, Monroe, returns again. Monroe tells Gomer a lie, that he is going to marry Lou-Ann and it breaks Gomers heart but lies can't stop true love.

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Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

How about it, Lou-Ann?

There's still some
more egg foo yong.

Oh, my goodness, no, Gomer.

I'm full.

I just love Chinese cooking.

That and Southern.

I sure would hate
to decide between

moo goo gai pan
and fried chicken.

Here, see what your
fortune cookie says.

Something good?

Oh, it's silly.

What's it say?

Well, it's silly, Gomer.

It's just plain old silly.

Well, sometimes
they're not so silly.

Sometimes it's amazing how
close they come to your actual life.

Let me see it.

"You and your loved
one are about to make

the decision of a lifetime."

Isn't that silly?

Well, I-I guess this
one is kind of silly.


I mean, well, we both decided

that we'd make
that decision after

I got out of the Marine Corps.

That's the reason
it's kind of silly.

Well, don't you
think it's just as silly

not to talk about something that
we're gonna talk about anyhow?

Golly, Lou-Ann.

You know how I feel about you.

Well, making that
kind of decision

would mean that you'd
have to give up your freedom,

and I-I just don't
think that's fair.

Are you saying that
you want me to go out

and date other fellows?

Well, no, Lou-Ann.

It's just that I
don't think it's fair

to ask you not to.

I see.

Well... well...

Hey, how about if I read
my fortune cookie to you?

"A wise man keeps his ears open

and his mouth shut."

Isn't that silly?


Hey, baby, is that you?


Aka-laka-gee, aka-laka-Joe!

Carolina Aggies, go, go, go!

Well, where are you?

I mean, where are
you calling from?

Right here in town.

I just got in for a
convention, and the first thing

I said to myself was, "I'd
better give old Lou-Ann a call,

or she just won't forgive me."

Well, that's very nice.

It's Monroe Efford.

He's right here in town.

Excuse me, Monroe.

What were you saying?

I said, where you been?

I thought you got home at 6:00.

Well, yes, but,
uh, I had a date.

Well, listen, I'd
sure like to see you.

Maybe tomorrow night.

Oh, tomorrow night?

Well, actually,
I'm not quite sure.

Could I telephone you?


Oh, you're staying at
the Millard Fillmore Hotel?

Room 325.

All right.

And, Monroe, thank
you for calling me.

Lou-Ann, are you gonna see him?

Do you want me not to see him?

Well, I can't stop you from
seeing him if you want to.

Well, I didn't say
I want to see him.

I want to know whether
you want me not to see him.

Well, it's like I said
in the restaurant,

I don't think it's fair of me
to ask you not to see him.

I was just hoping you'd
want not to see him

at least as much as I want
you not to want to see him.

Well, Gomer, since you're
not asking me not to see him,

and since you seem
to be so very anxious

for me to have my freedom,

it appears that you
have left the decision

entirely up to me.

Well, hey, Lou-Ann.

The store is closed.

Well, I didn't come
to buy nothing.

Then why did you come?

Well, it's Friday night.


Well, we-we do
have a standing date.

Oh, do we?

Hi, there!

Anybody home?

Well, hey, Monroe.

Man, oh, man, if you don't look

young as ever
and twice as pretty.

Oh, Monroe, you do
remember Gomer, don't you?

The pride of the Marines?

How could I forget? Hi, buddy.

Hey, Monroe.

Well, how we doing this now?

Am I taking us
all out to dinner?

Well, that would be... Oh!

As a matter of fact, Gomer
has to get back to the base.

He just stopped
in to say hey is all.


Well, maybe next time.

Good night, Gomer.

Good night.

Boy, if you aren't a
sight for sore eyes.

Pyle, I thought you
picked up your pass

to go into town.

Oh, well, I did,
Sergeant, but...

well, I come back early.

What are you doing, Pyle?

Oh, I was just writing a letter.

You need a dictionary
to write a letter?

What's that you got
underlined there?


You got a dilemma?

Well, kind of.

So who you writing to?

Let me see.

You're writing a
letter to Dear Abby?

Boy, Pyle, you
know what this is?

This is a slap in the face.

You got me!

A sergeant who's been with you

since you came in
the Marine Corps,

who taught you
everything you know.

Yet you'd rather go to a
stranger on a newspaper...

Dear Abby.

You'd rather discuss
your problem with Abby.

You don't even
know her last name.

But you'd rather talk to her

than your friendly sergeant.

Pyle, what do you
think I'm here for?

Well, I-I just didn't want
to bother you, Sergeant.

Pyle, until you leave
the Marine Corps,

until you leave my
command, I am your mama,

your papa, your big
brother and your Dear Abby!

Now, what's your dilemma?

Go ahead, tell me your dilemma.

Are you sure you want
to hear it, Sergeant?


Come on, Pyle.

Tell Sergeant Abby.

Well, all right.

You see, it all
started the other night

when Lou-Ann and
me was having dinner

at this Chinese restaurant,

and... Well, here.

I'll read you what
I've got so far.

"Dear Abby, we was
just finishing our dinner

"at this Chinese restaurant.

"Well, actually,
we didn't finish it,

"but we was down
to the fortune cookie,

"and that's what really
started the whole thing.

"Lou-Ann's fortune said
something about a loved one

"making a decision
of a lifetime,

"and we began talking about
that, and we had promised

"we wouldn't talk
about that, at least until

"after I finished my
hitch in the Marines.

"And I just naturally had to
tell Lou-Ann exactly how I feel

"about her freedom and ask
her to give up her freedom,

"which isn't exactly fair and
seeing how I haven't made up

"my mind yet about
staying in the Marine Corps.

"I feel it would
be very unfair..."

Yeah, you'd hardly recognize
the old town, Lou-Ann.

Supermarkets all over the
place, and parking meters.

Town's just loaded with
supermarkets and parking meters.

Oh, really?

Yeah, Lou-Ann, the
town's really grown.

They even got two launderettes.


Well, can you imagine that?

Doggone it, Lou-Ann, aren't
you ever coming back, really?

I don't see anything happening
between you and Gomer.

I beg your pardon.

I mean, are you two
planning on getting married?

I was under the impression...

Well, that is a decision that
we have not made as yet.

Aren't you and Gomer engaged?

Let's just say that we
have an understanding.

But you haven't
set the date yet?


Now, uh, if you will
excuse me, Monroe.

It is late.

And thank you for
a lovely evening.

Sure. Good night.

Good night, Lou-Ann.

Excuse me, Sergeant,
is this Company B?

That's right. Well, then,
maybe you could tell me

where I could find
PFC Gomer Pyle?


Yeah, he's right
around this barracks.

Much obliged, Sergeant.

Hi, Gomer.

Well, hey, Monroe.

I sure didn't expect
to see you here.

Well, I wasn't planning
on dropping by either,

until last night, that is.


You got a minute?

I guess.

Listen, Gomer, I
figured it was only fair

to come and talk this thing out.

I mean, I'd sure appreciate
it if someone did that for me.

What are you talking about?

Gomer, I don't know
how it happened,

but it did.

Call it fate, call it love at
second sight if you want.

Of course, that
wouldn't be exactly right,

seeing as how I never
gave up in the first place.

I don't know, maybe
it's just plain luck.

Hey, you want to see something?

This is the very
ring I was hoping

to give Lou-Ann a
year ago, the very one.

I never returned it.

I kept putting it off
and putting it off,

just praying Lou-Ann would
see the light sooner or later.

And son of a gun, was I right?

About what?

About Lou-Ann and me.

And I wanted you to
be the first to know.

That and to save Lou-Ann
the embarrassment.

You know, I figured us talking
man-to-man would make it

a whole lot easier on everybody.

Save her the
trouble of writing you

one of those
"Dear John" letters.


Well, I got to be buzzing off.

So long, Gomer.

See you around, huh?

Thanks a lot, Sarge.

Hey, Pyle, who was that?


Oh, well, that was
Monroe Efford.

He used to be
engaged to Lou-Ann.

So? What's that to you?

Well, that's what
he came to tell me,

that he was again...
engaged to Lou-Ann.

So it's all over between
you and Lou-Ann.

Well, I don't know, Sergeant.

Why, I even had a
date with her for tonight.

You had a date with her tonight,

and this guy just walks
in and takes over?

Sure looks that way.

Go figure women.

Well, that's what
makes horse races.

At least you got
one consolation:

She didn't leave you for
some ugly, little shrimp.

But losing out to

a big, good-looking
guy like that...

Face it, Pyle, there
was no contest.

I suppose.

So, what are you gonna do?

You gonna mope around?

Well, I do feel
strange, Sergeant.

You feel like you want to
crawl off in a corner somewhere?

I sure do.

Well, that's the
worst thing for you.

Come with me.

Well, where we going, Sergeant?

What we gonna do?

You'll see, Pyle, you'll see.


Sergeant Carter, what
are you gonna do?

Pyle, just stand there and wait.

I'll explain it to
you in a minute.

But, Sergeant, can't
you at least... Shh!

Hello, Gladys?


You hit the nail on the hand.

Right! Vince Carter!

Hello? Hello?

Gladys, wait!

Boy, is she crude.

Anything I can't
stand, it's crude dame.

Sergeant, can't
you at least tell me...

Pyle, I'll explain in a minute.

Just hold it!


Sergeant Carter, if
it's all the same to you,

I think I'd just get
on back to my detail.

You just stay right there, Pyle.

Hello, Natalie?

Guess who this is.

No. No.

Wrong again.

It's Vince!

Vince Carter.

C-A-R... Yeah, right!

With the butch cut
and the dimples.

How you doing?

Say, listen, uh, you
used to be pretty good

at cheering up an
unhappy Marine.

No, not me this time.


Natalie, I promise it's not me.

It's one of my men.

Sergeant Carter,
I... Pyle, hold it.

What'd you say, Natalie?
But, Sergeant, I don't...

Pyle, will you shut
up until I'm done?

Yeah, Natalie,
uh, I got this man

who could use a
little cheering up

from a friend of
the opposite sex.

And let's face it, doll, you're
about as opposite as they come.

Sergeant... Anyway,
about this guy,

well, he's kind of
on the rebound.

Oh, he's, uh, kind of tall, uh,

average weight, better-
than-average smile.

Oh, and he just
got paid Tuesday.


You always were a patriotic
kid when the chips were down!

Right, right.

I'll tell him to pick you
up around eightish?


And thanks, Natalie.


Sergeant Carter, I
don't want to go out.

I really don't. Pyle,
I'm not doing this

out of the goodness of my heart.

I'm protecting myself

against having a man moping
around on the job all day.

Now, this cure has worked
before and it'll work now.

But, Sergeant, I... And
I'll tell you something else.

You owe it to yourself
and your pride as a man

to go out and forget
a dame who jilted you.

But, Sergeant, I
don't want to go out.

I really don't feel like it.

Pyle, you're not gonna
make a jerk out of me.

Now, you just heard me make
a date with a dame for you.

You want me to call
her back and cancel it?

Yes, sir, 'cause I
really don't want to go.

Well, you're going,
Pyle! But, Sergeant...

You're going, Pyle!
But, Sergeant, I...

Pyle, are you're
gonna go out tonight,

and live it up
and enjoy yourself

and that's an order!

Hi, sugar!

Monroe?! In the flesh.

With flowers for a flower

and sweets for the sweetest.

Well, uh, thank you.

But, uh, I don't understand.

I thought you knew I had
a date with Gomer tonight.

You do?

Well, now, that's funny.

I just saw Gomer today.

Well, where did you see him?

Oh, I ran into
him this afternoon,

and I just mentioned I'd
probably be seeing you tonight.

Well, what did he say?


That's why I assumed
you were free.

Gomer said nothing?

That's right.

Say, you know something
about that Gomer?

He's a real gentleman.

Oh, excuse me, Monroe.

I want to put these
flowers in some water.

Why don't you just
come right over here

and turn on the
television? Hey, that's right.

There's a good fight on.

Come on, Conroy, right, right!

You're killing him, Conroy!

Another right... he's hurt.

Conroy's down. He's down.

This looks like it.

Conroy's being pounded out.

The dummy! I
told you! I told you!

He's out!

Oh, for Pete's sakes!

What a bum.

Company B, Sergeant Carter here.

Oh, hello, Sergeant Carter.

This is Lou-Ann Poovie.


Oh, uh...

Hello, Lou-Ann.
What can I do for you?

Well, actually, I was just
wondering if Gomer's there?


Uh, just a minute, uh,
let me look at my pass list.

Oh, yeah, here we are.

No, Pyle picked up his
pass a good hour ago.


Well, do you have any
idea where he went?

I do seem to remember
him talking to a friend

about meeting him
downtown somewhere.

Oh, yes, I remember now.

The Paradise Club.

The Paradise Club?

At least that's
what he told her.


Oh, Lou-Ann, I'm
afraid I put my foot in it.

Oh, no, Sergeant Carter,
it's, it's perfectly all right.

Well, I'm sorry if I told you
something I wasn't supposed to,

you know, about
the Paradise Club.

No, it's quite all right.

Good-bye, Sergeant Carter.

Next week, tune in again for...

Well, what would you like to do?

Um, Monroe,

if you don't have any
place special in mind,

I have a suggestion.

Sure, baby. What?

Before your friend
Sergeant Carter got hung up

on this Bunny friend of his,

we used to have some
really great times together.

And what a sense of humor!

Let me tell you.

Every time he used to
pick me up at my apartment,

he used to drag his foot
all the way down the hall

like-like out of one
of them horror movies.

Isn't that too much?!

I mean, for a sergeant,
he was really funny.

Oh, boy, you sure don't
talk much, do you, honey?


What, ma'am?

You're still with
the "ma'am", huh?

It's Natalie.


Wha... I-I'm sorry.

I guess I just wasn't
thinking, Natalie.

♪ ♪

Here you go, ol' pal ol' buddy.

Now bring us two
of your best drinks.

My, oh, my!

This is some wild place!

You come here often?


Oh, oh.

No. Just now and then.

Naturally, I don't begrudge
Vince Carter anything.

I mean if he wants to
go out with one of those

brassy dames, I say all
the more power to him.

But for instance,

tonight, I mean he wanted
me to do him a favor,

so I said, sure.

You know what I mean?

What's the matter?

You having trouble
getting the waiter?

Hey, Charlie!

Will you come over here
when you get a minute!

I think I'll just go
check the powder room.

Why don't you order me a beer?

That is if you don't mind
sparing a few words.

Yes, ma'am.



You're really making headway.

Hey, Lou-Ann,

I don't know exactly
how to say this,

not being as smooth with words
as I am with a football, but...

Uh, if you'll excuse me, Monroe.

If you don't mind,

I just got this terrible feeling

that my lipstick's on crooked.

I'll be right back.

Sure thing.

What I got in store will keep.

Oh, excuse me.

Be my guest.

Oh, I don't mean to
be forward or anything,

but about that
Marine you're with.

What's his name?


Oh, nothing.

It's just that, well,
he looks so familiar.

A whole lot like
somebody I know.

Tortured. That's what he looks.

Tortured! Ah.

What do you mean?

Oh, it's a long, dull story.

I'm sure you don't
want to hear it.

Oh, what is it?

Well, I don't even
know this guy.

I'm just sitting home alone
minding my own business

when who should call
but this guy's sergeant.

I mean, he's an
old friend, right?

So I'll do him a favor.

His buddy needs cheering up,

so I'll go out with him.

You know how it is.

I don't know this guy from Adam,

but I figure maybe
I'll get lucky.

Some lucky.

Thousands of
Marines on this base,

and I happen to get a guy

whose one big talent
in life is blinking.

Blinking and staring.

And you know why?

Because he's
torching, that's why.

I mean some dame threw him over,

and he's wearing his
heart on his sleeve.

He just sits there like a glump

with those big calf eyes of his,

just blinking and stare...

You know something, sister?

You're pretty nosy.

Come on, Gomer, let's dance!

I really don't feel like it.

Oh, come on!

Now promise me you won't faint.

Well, hang on to your eyeteeth.

Here it comes. Oh, Monroe.

Let's dance first.

Boy, Lou-Ann, you sure know
how to build up the suspense.

I'll give you that.

Hey, yeah, now
that's what I call a beat!

Go, go, go!

Gomer Pyle, you just ought
to be ashamed of yourself!

I'm sure sorry to be
here with that other lady,

but it really wasn't my idea.

And besides, I didn't
want to stand in the way.

Monroe made it pretty clear.

Made what pretty clear?

What are you talking about?

He even showed me the ring.

Do you mean to say

that Monroe told you
that we were engaged?

You mean you aren't?

Oh, what a horrible man he is!

And what a horrible man
you are for believing him!

You mean you wasn't gonna
write me a Dear John letter?


Excuse me, Lou-Ann.


Hey, Gomer ol' pal!

You here, too?

Would you step outside?

There's a few words
I want to say to you.

Huh? Oh, no, Gomer!

Please, Lou-Ann,
just wait right here.

Outside where it's
nice and private,

considering this is
a personal matter.

Yeah, sure, after you.

Gomer, what happened to you?

What are you doing anyway?

Gomer, please.

Lou-Ann, just wait right here.

Well, Gomer, where you going?

What's gonna happen to me?!

Wait up! What am
I supposed to do?!

Now then, what is
it you want, friend?

This ain't private enough.

Step back here in
the alley with me.

The reason I wanted
complete privacy is,

I've got a score
to settle with you.

And this is the only way
I know how to handle it!

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Telling two different stories

and causing all
that unhappiness.

That was downright deceitful
of you, Monroe Efford.

But I'll tell you one
thing, Lou-Ann is my girl

and we're about to make
the decision of a lifetime!

Oh, Gomer!

Oh, my gosh.


Well, I am so sorry
you had to see this.

I really am sorry.

Oh, Gomer, I'm not.

I'm just so sorry,
that I interrupted you.

Please go on.

Like I was saying,

we're about to make
the decision of a lifetime.

We don't know
exactly when and how,

but we are gonna do it.

And until then, we don't want

any outside interference
from you or anybody else...

Hey, Sergeant.

You wasn't in bed, was you?

No. I was just getting ready.

What's up? How'd everything
turn out with Natalie?

That's what I came
by here to tell you.

It couldn't have
turned out better.

Oh, yeah? See?

You just listen to your
old sergeant every time.

That was a great
suggestion I made, wasn't it?

Well, Sergeant, the fact is...

And you didn't want to go.

I know about these things, Pyle.

I been around, you know. Well,
Sergeant, I think I'd better tell you...

A great little kid that Natalie.

There's just one word
for her: dependable.

She is the most obliging,
the nicest, most terrific dame...

Who could be calling
this time of night?

Company B, Sergeant Carter.

Hello, Vince.

Guess who?


I was just this second

talking about you.
Were your ears burning?

No, my ears weren't burning,

but yours will be if I
ever see you again.

And so will your face and
your hair and everything,

'cause I'm gonna
set fire to you, Vince!

What're you talking
about? What's the matter?

Listen, you fathead!

Don't you ever get
me a blind date again!

In fact, don't you
ever call me again!

When I go out with
someone for, But, Natalie...

I don't expect to get
stood up for someone else!


I've never been so
humiliated in my entire life!

I mean you sent me
out with some... Pyle!


All he did was
blink and stare. Pyle!

I don't want to
hear from you again.

Do you hear me?