Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 29 - My Fair Sister - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Hiya, Slater. Hi, Sarge.

I got us a couple
of jelly doughnuts.

Hey, great.

Here, take that
one, it looks good.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Uh, by the way, Slater...

Oh, yeah, you want a
dime for the doughnut.

Oh, no, no, no, this is on me.

Uh, what I wanted to
talk to you about, uh...

Now, my sister's coming
in for a visit this weekend.

Oh, is that the same sister that
was here a couple of years back?

Oh, no, no, she got married.

This is my other sister Muriel.

Anyway, I was thinking, uh...

we are having a
company dance tonight,

and I thought as
long as she's here,

she might want to go to it.

Well, yeah, I... I
guess she might.

Now, I'd take her myself,

but I'm Sergeant
of the guard tonight,

so I thought it'd be kind
of nice if you took her.

Well, Sarge, I... Now,
don't get me wrong.

Uh, this ain't an order.

Now, I could ask a lot of guys,

but since you're the one
that works right under me,

it's kind of like
keeping it in the family.

Right?

Oh, sure, Sarge, sure.

I appreciate your
thoughtfulness.

Oh, that's all right.

What are friends for?

So it's all settled.

She'll be coming
in this afternoon.

You can make all
the arrangements

after she gets here.

Fine, fine.

Uh, Sarge?

Yeah?

Uh, I, I was
wondering... About what?

Well, I'm not exactly the
tallest guy in the world.

Uh, your sister isn't
a real tall girl, is she?

No, Slater.

Uh... Yeah?

Just out of curiosity,

not that it's important,

do you happen to
have a picture of her?

No, Slater.

Well, I thought
you kept pictures

of your whole
family in your desk.

I do; I just don't happen to
have a picture of her right now.

If I did, I'd show it
to you, wouldn't I?

Oh, sure, sure.

Look, Slater, she's
a wonderful girl,

has a nice
personality, and bright.

She's a high school graduate and
has one year of business school.

Right now, she's
assistant cashier

at the top auto
repair shop in Toledo.

Gee, that's great. Yeah.

Well, I'd better get these
reports over to the colonel.

If you're, uh, still hungry,
you can have my doughnut.

I didn't even touch it.

Hey, Sergeant Carter,

I came to clean up
like you wanted me to.

Okay, Pyle.

If you're going to
wax the floor, tell me.

I'm getting tired of
sliding to my desk.

Hey, Duke.

Hi, Gome.

I won't be in your
way here, will I?

No, go right ahead.

Hey, Gome, uh, would
you like a jelly doughnut?

Oh, no, thank you, Duke,
I'm working right now.

Oh, come on, you
can take a little break.

Here, have it,
it's nice and fresh.

Well, thank you.

Say, uh...

(clearing throat): did you
hear about the sergeant's sister

coming here for the weekend?

Well, ain't that nice?

Yeah, but I sort of got
myself into a little spot.

I don't know how I
could be so forgetful.

What do you mean?

Well, I promised the
sarge I'd take his sister

to the company dance tonight,

an-and just this
minute I remembered

I already promised
Harriet I'd take her.

Golly, that is a problem.

Yeah, I wish I knew
what to do about it.

Hey, I just had a thought.

Maybe... oh, no.

No, no, it'd be
unfair to ask you.

Ask me what?

Well, well, it's
obvious I can't take

both the sarge's sister and
Harriet to the company dance,

so, well, I-I was wondering,

by any chance
would you take her?

Well, I don't really
know Harriet that well.

No, no, not Harriet,
the sarge's sister.

I really feel terrible

about missing out on
the chance to take her,

but, well, unfortunately
I'm stuck with Harriet

and I'm just too much of a
gentleman to break the date.

Well, that's real
thoughtful of you, Duke.

I'll be glad to help you out.

Then you'll take her?

Well, I sure will.

Lou-Ann's out of town

and I wasn't planning
on going to the dance,

but now that I got
a date, I can go,

especially seeing how
it's the sergeant's sister.

Hey, great, Gomer, you're a pal.

Thanks a lot.

There's just one thing,
though, Duke, that worries me.

What's that?

Well, I hope she
won't be disappointed

having me as her date.

Gomer, you got
nothing to worry about,

believe me, nothing at all.

Pyle?!

For my sister, you got Pyle?!

Well, like I said, Sarge,
it, it just slipped my mind

that I already had
this date with Harriet.

Harriet?!

You got some nerve, Slater.

The least you could have
done was come to me and tell me

and let me pick the substitute.

Gee, Sarge, I'm sorry.

You're sorry.

I know what it is.

You just didn't want
to take my sister.

Maybe she ain't pretty enough

for a big ladie" man like you.

No, Sarge, that's not it at all.

She's very nice-looking.

How do you know?

Well, I, uh...

You sneaked a look at
her picture, didn't you?

No, how could I?

You don't have a picture of her.

You said so yourself.

Never mind.

I don't need you
or your substitute.

I can do better
than you or Pyle.

Get out of here!

Slater. Yeah, Sarge?

You owe me 20 cents
for two doughnuts.

Uh, excuse me,
but can you tell me

where I can find
Sergeant Carter?

Oh, well, yes, ma'am.

He's probably in the duty hut.

That's right straight ahead.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Ma'am, by any chance are
you Sergeant Carter's sister?

Yes, I am.

I knew it, I knew it.

There's a family resemblance.

It's the eyes... they're
just like Sergeant Carter's.

Well, a lot of
people tell me that.

I've really been looking
forward to meeting you, ma'am.

Oh, well, that's
very nice of you,

but I, I didn't know my brother
told anyone I was coming.

Oh, sure, everybody
knows about it.

Ain't it nice you're here in
time for the company dance?

Dance?

I don't know whether
you know it or not,

but I'm gonna be
taking you to it. You are?

Yes, ma'am, I'm privileged
and honored to be your escort.

(chuckling): Well, that's
very nice of you, but I...

I hope you don't mind.

You see,

originally Corporal Slater
was gonna take you,

but it turned out he
had a prior engagement,

so I was happy to step in.

I hope it's all right.

Oh, of course it is.

I'm glad 'cause I
know we'll have

a real good time.

(laughs)

I just can't get over it.

Them eyes... they're
just like Sergeant Carter's.

Of course, his are just a
little bit beadier than yours.

Listen, here I am
rattling on and on,

and you're probably anxious

to get over there
and see your brother.

Well... I'll walk you over
to the duty hut myself.

I'm Gomer Pyle.

Oh... my name is Muriel.

Muriel.

Wouldn't you know you'd
have a pretty name like that?

I've got this aunt named Muriel

and she is the sweetest thing.

Ain't it funny, though, how
names kind of fit people?

Yeah, w... Like
when you say Muriel,

you think of somebody
nice and sweet.

Then I've got this Aunt Matilda

and she's just
what you'd expect...

She's kind of uppity...

And then I got this
cousin Goober...

Get me Corporal Kibbler
over in the motor pool.

He was transferred to
Alaska four months ago?

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

My sister's coming
to town and I thought...

Wait a minute.

Say, fella, what are
you doing tonight?

Nah, forget it, never mind.

Sergeant Carter, look
who's here. (laughing)

Hello, Vince.

Muriel! How are you?

Let me look at you.

Hey, you haven't changed a bit.

You look the same as ever.

Oh, well, you're looking
just fine, too, Vince...

Uh, uh, trim as usual.

(all laughing)

Well, I know you two
got a lot to talk about,

so I'll see you later.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, same here.

Uh, come on, sit down,
uh, tell me all about yourself.

What's new, huh?

Oh, well, everything's going
real good down at the job.

Last month, I was
promoted to head cashier.

I work in the front office now.

Oh... that's great.

It's good being right up front.

I bet you meet a
lot of fellas, huh?

Guys paying their bills...
meet a lot of 'em, do you, huh?

Say, you know who
sends her regards?

Cora.

Remember, you used to
go with her in high school.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

How is she? Oh, she's fine.

Uh, she married Tony
Hansen and has two kids.

Hey, that's good.

Say, besides guys
paying their bills,

I bet you run into
a lot of salesmen

and service managers, huh?

(chuckling)

You run into a
lot of 'em, do you?

Oh, yeah.

I also got acquainted
with the boss' wife.

She works in the
front office, too,

and we, we hit it off real well.

Have lunch
together all the time.

That's nice, real nice.

How about fellas?

You ever go to
lunch with fellas?

Occasionally, yeah.

Occasionally?

Say, Vince, are
you still worried

about me being an old maid?

W-W-Why would you think that?

PYLE: Excuse me, Sergeant.

Muriel, I almost forgot.

Where will I pick
you up tonight?

Uh, well, I'm staying at the
Oceanfront Hotel in town.

Fine, I'll pick you up
there at 7:00 sharp.

Okay? Fine.

See you then.

Uh, you don't worry
about me, huh?

Oh, you mean
tonight's little thing?

Ah, it's just a company dance.

I figured as long
as you're here,

you might as well go.

Uh, how about some coffee?

Well, I appreciate what
you're trying to do, Vince,

but I didn't plan this
as any social visit.

I just came here to spend
a few days with my brother.

I understand.

You're disappointed in Pyle.

Well, it's the best I could
do at the last minute.

Now, that's not it.

Gomer seems very nice.

Yeah, well, he'll
get you to the dance.

That's the important part.

Once you're there,

there'll be plenty of
other fellas you can meet.

Vince.

All right, all right, we
won't say anymore about it.

(sighs)

So, uh... Cora's got
two kids now, huh?

Uh-huh, a boy and a girl.

Ah...

Say, she's a year
younger than you, ain't she?

Vince.

Oh, I'm sorry.

D-Did you have a nice trip?

Yes, and I didn't meet
any fellas on the plane.

I wasn't even
thinking about that.

Uh-huh.

Hey, look, uh, maybe I'd
better go back to the hotel

and freshen up.

You don't have to. What?

Look, sis, I hope
you don't mind,

but I knew you'd be kind
of mussed up from the trip,

so I made an appointment
for you in town.

Appointment where?

Madame Claudette's.

Who's Madame Claudette?

She's an old friend of mine.

She used to be a belly dancer.

Then she had this
gall bladder operation

and she had to retire,

but she knows all about makeup.

Aw, Vince, what'd
you do that for?

Because I knew you wouldn't
have time to do it yourself,

and you want to look good
for the dance tonight, don't you?

You know, you are
really something else.

Instead of worrying
about me getting married,

you ought to get
married yourself.

You'd make a wonderful mother.

(both laughing)

Yeah, we can do
something about that.

Hey, Vince, I thought
I was just coming here

to get my hair done.

Excuse us a minute, sis.

Now, you're going to
do everything, right?

Eyelashes, all
that kind of stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

And you'll want
a wig, won't you?

A wig?

Well, I thought you were
going to do her own hair.

Oh, you can't do
anything with that.

Don't even start.

I'll get you something nice.

Well...

It's only a few bucks, Vince,
if that's what's worrying you.

No, no, go ahead.

I'm going to go for broke.

Good.

Now, about the facial,

would you prefer to have
the regular cosmetic cream

or the apricot milk?

For her, what do you suggest?

For her, apricot milk.

Apricot milk?

Yeah, it's my own formula.

I got it from a skin
doctor I used to go with.

Is it extra?

Just $1.50.

Okay, throw it in.

What do you think, Claudette?

You can level with me.

I'm going to do the best I can.

Okay, kid, you're
going to get the works...

Eyelashes, wig, everything.

Gee, Vince, it sounds
like you're going

to an awful lot of expense.

What expense?

Honey, you-you're
my baby sister.

When do I ever get
to do anything for you?

I know, but I don't
think I'd feel right.

False eyelashes, a wig...

Honey, times change
and fashions change

and you got to change with 'em.

Right?

Oh yes!

Honey, there's such a
new look in the world today

you can't believe it.

You see, the whole idea is
to enhance your basic beauty.

You hear that?

She's gonna enhance ya.

Now come on,

it's a present from
your big brother.

All right, Vince,
if it'll please you.

It will, it will.

And it'll please you, too.

Just wait and see.

I want nothing but
the best for my sister.

In fact, throw in another
shot of that apricot milk.

I'll pay for it.

You got it, Vince.

I guess that's all
we need to know.

I'll go get things started.

She'll be ready in
about two hours.

CARTER: Good!

I'll pick you up about 4:00.

Oh, uh, Claudette...
Yes? When I get back,

you better point her out to me.

I might not recognize her.

How much longer you
think she's gonna take?

Just as soon as she gets

into the dress I
picked out for her.

What dress?

I hope you don't mind, Vince,

but I took the liberty

of picking out a
dress for her to wear,

'cause her own
clothes just won't go

with that terrific
that makeup job.

Well, how much is it gonna run?

Very cheap, Vince.

You can rent it
for five dollars,

and the reason I'm
letti" ya have it so cheap

is 'cause there's a
little cigarette hole

down at the bottom of the hem;

but you won't see it,

'cause it's in the
black part of the stripe.

Okay. Fine.

Tell me, how does she look?

You'll be so happy.

She's très chic.

That's French, ain't it?

Yeah.

I'm glad I brought her to you.

You should be.

You ready, honey?

Hey, will you look at that!

Now, that's what I call class.

Aw, ain't she a knockout?

See what I mean about the dress?

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Well, Muriel, what
do you think, honey?

Gee, Vince, I appreciate
what you're trying to do for me,

honest, I do, but I just
don't feel right like this.

Oh, you don't know
what you're talking about.

I think you look great!

Wait'll the guys back
at the dance see you.

They'll eat their hearts out.

Every one of 'em.

I don't think so.

How do you know what
guys are gonna think?

I'm a guy and I know.

I say you look terrific.

If you looked this
way a few years ago,

you'd have one kid
more than Cora by now.

Thanks a lot, Claudette.

You really did a
great job for us.

Oh, you're welcome, Vince.

Bye. Have fun! Bye-bye.

Oh, by the way, if she smokes,

tell her to watch the ashes!

Hello, Gomer.

Gomer, it's me.

Muriel?

Won't you come in?

Thank you.

I-I hope I'm not too early.

It's-it's still a little
bit before 7:00.

Oh, that's all
right. I'm-I'm ready.

You are?

Fine.

Uh... you look real nice.

Thank you.

Very stylish.

Thank you.

Oh, I-I brought you a corsage.

Oh, how sweet.

Oh, it's beautiful.

It's a white orchid.

Uh, the man at
the flower shop said

that it'd stay fresh, you know,

if you keep it in
the refrigerator.

They don't have
one in this room.

Oh.

You got something in your eye?

Oh, it's just my eyelashes.

(sniffles and sighs)

Well, shall we go?

Might as well.

Muriel... Hmm?

I-I just got to talk to you.

Oh, what is it, Gomer?

Well, could we sit
down for a minute?

Sure.

Well...

what in the world have
you done to yourself?

Mmm.

You don't like it, do you?

Well, you just don't
look like yourself at all.

Well, I don't like it either.

Then why... It was Vince's idea.

He wanted me to look glamorous.

Yeah. I don't understand that.

I don't understand that at all.

To me, you looked
fine the way you were.

I'm afraid Vince
didn't think so.

I don't see why.

There's all kinds
of looks and tastes

and the way that a
brother looks at his sister

is entirely different than
the way other fellers do.

To me, you're a
very attractive girl.

Really?

You mean that?

Well, I wouldn't
say it if I didn't.

Oh, thank you, Gomer!

Now listen, why don't we see

about getting you
back the way you was.

♪ ♪

Hiya, Slater.

Oh, hi, Sarge.

Hey, I thought you were busy
making the rounds. Oh, I am.

I just popped in for
a couple of minutes.

Where's Harriet?

Harriet?

She got the mumps.

Oh, really?

Yeah. That's strange.

Charlie Hacker told me he was
just on his way over to pick her up.

Look, Sarge...

You outsmarted yourself, Slater.

You coulda had
yourself a goddess

and how do you end up?

Here alone on the stag line...

Just like Napoleon.

A lonely little Corporal
on a lonely little island!

Eat your heart out!

What are you
talking about, Sarge?

I'm talking about

how Pyle is bringing
my sister to the dance.

Not the sister you
saw in that picture

wearing that dumb hat.

An angel.

Stay away from her, Slater.

She'll break your heart!

Look, Sarge, I hope
you're not sore... Sore?

Why should I be sore?

Maybe later in the evening,

you'll be a little
sore at yourself,

but I ain't sore.

Sore at myself?
What do you mean?

Nothing, Slater, nothing.

I think I've said
too much already.

So long, loser!

I just know you're gonna
enjoy the orchestra.

It's Nick Pellico
and the Pellicans.

Oh, I'm sure I'll enjoy them.

Nick plays the drums
and leads the orchestra

all at the same time
and that ain't easy.

Hey, Chester. Hi, Gomer.

Tickets?

Uh, yeah, sure thing.

Oh golly, I must have
left 'em in my locker.

Well, if it was up to me,

I'd let you go in, but
I gotta keep count.

Oh, I understand.

Would you excuse
me? It won't take me

but a minute to go
back and get 'em. Yeah.

Chester, is it all right if
this lady waits inside?

She's Sergeant Carter's sister.

Oh, sure, sure. Oh, look,

I don't mind waiting
out here, Gomer.

No, I don't want you to
miss any of that good music.

You go in there and watch Nick.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

Sarge? Yeah?

Did Gomer and your
sister ever show up?

Oh, you're getting
a little impatient

to see what you
passed up, huh, Slater?

Well, I was just
a little curious...

Sure, you're curious, so am I.

I'm curious to see
the look on your face

when she walks
through that door.

So, you're gonna
stand right here

by my side.

Gee, Sarge,

she looked better in that
picture with the dumb hat.

Muriel?!

Oh, hi, Vince. What
did you do to yourself?

What did you do?!

Oh, look, I-I know
you had your heart set

on making me look
glamorous, but Gomer thought...

And I agree... that
I didn't look right.

Pyle thought!

Who told you Pyle could think?!

You were a doll!

You were... you were très chic!

Oh, now, Vince,
I... Where is he?!

He just went back to the
barracks to... Stay here!

I'll be right back! Vince!

Oh, good evening, Sergeant.

Don't good evening
me, you clown!

You had to come along and
spoil everything, didn't ya?

Beg your pardon?

Don't give me
that innocent look.

Who told you, you could
fool around with my sister?

Fool around?

You know what I mean.

It cost me a fortune
to get her glamorous

and you came along
and wrecked her.

But, Sergeant, I...
Who gave you the right

to judge what's
chic and what ain't?!

Nobody, Sergeant.

Nobody at all.

Then what right do
you have to come along

and spoil all my
good plans for her?

You made me a laughing
stock, Pyle, a laughing stock!

Sergeant, maybe I
ain't got a right to speak,

but, well, I think I
know how you feel,

and, well, I know how
you worry about your sister.

Who worries about her?

Well, you must
worry about her a little,

like taking her over to
Madame Claudette's,

and doing all them things.

That was very thoughtful.

Yeah! And you loused it up!

But, Sergeant,
there are some girls,

and, well your
sister's one of 'em,

who look good just
the way they are.

Well, maybe they ain't
what you'd call glamorous,

but, well, they're
pretty and they're nice.

Are you trying to tell
me about my own sister?!

No, Sergeant.

I'm just saying
Muriel's a person

and she's got a right to
be what she wants to be.

And I kinda think you're trying

to make her into what
you want her to be.

And, with all due
respect, Sergeant,

she just don't want to be that.

Now, is it all right if I go in?

'Cause Muriel's waiting on me.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Muriel.

Oh hi, Gomer, is-is
everything all right?

Everything's just fine.

Uh, you-you didn't happen to
run into my brother, did you?

Well, as a matter
of fact, I did.

(gasps)

Ooh, was there any trouble?

He went out of here pretty mad.

Well, I know, but we
talked about that and,

well, I kinda hope he sees
things a little different now.

(lively music begins)

Miss Carter, may
I have this dance?

Certainly.

See, Sergeant, she's
having a good time.

You want to know why?

On account of
she's being herself.

I still say a little eye
makeup wouldn't hurt.

Sergeant Carter?
Yeah, what is it, Pyle?

Well, this letter
just arrived for you.

It's from your sister. Oh!

It got mixed up with
the other mail at mail call

and I thought I better
bring it on over here to you.

Well, thanks.

What'd she say, Sergeant?

Did she have a nice trip back?

Say, how about that!

Some interesting news, Sergeant?

Yeah, very interesting.

Muriel's dating.

Nothing steady
yet, but she's dating.

He's a guy that works
at her place with her.

He's a... an accountant.

Well, that's just
wonderful, Sergeant.

Yeah!

You're liable to be going home

to a wedding one of these days.

Could be.

You never know.

You sure don't.

We'll just keep
our fingers crossed.

Well, I'll see ya
later, Sergeant.

Oh, Pyle... Yes, sir?

I want to thank you

for being so nice to
Muriel when she was here.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

I enjoyed being with her.

Well, I still think it was nice

and I want to give you something

to show my appreciation.

That ain't necessary, Sergeant.

I want to.

You did something for me,

now I want to do
something for you.

Here, I already paid for this

maybe your
girlfriend can use it.