Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 28 - Showtime with Sgt. Carol - full transcript

Carol Burnett co-stars as a visiting Sergeant putting on a talent show at Camp Henderson. She wants Gomer to sing, Sergeant Carter says no until she uses her ladylike charm on him.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Remember me?

Why, Corporal Carol!

But it ain't corporal
anymore, it's sergeant.

Boy, you sure
have moved up fast.

Oh, well, Gomer, you know,
if you got the least bit of brains

and ambition and initiative,

they're gonna push
you right on up.

(chuckles)



Oh, I see you made PFC.

Oh, I've been a PFC
for over two years.

Attaboy, Gomer, don't
you let them push you.

Well, gosh, it's good
to see you again.

What are you doing here anyway?

Oh, I'm in Special Services.

As a matter of
fact, I'm in charge of

putting on shows at Marine
camps all over the country.

Golly, that sounds exciting.

Oh, it really is.

We're gonna do a show
right here this week.

And, uh, well, Gomer,

that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Me?



Well, yeah, I-I need
a singer, Gomer.

I need one very badly.

You see, the fellow I work
with on the show, well, last night,

he was riding his
motorcycle on the freeway,

and, well, the stoop
didn't wear a helmet.

Well, no, don't worry.

He's going to be all right.

It's, um...

actually, it's kind of
a blessing in disguise,

because now I've got you.

Carol, I wouldn't
know what to do.

Oh, of course you would.

You would like to be in
the show, wouldn't you?

Well, yeah, but
I don't know if I...

Well, then you just
leave the rest up to me.

But, Carol... Gomer,
I said I'd handle it.

But I... Ah!

But... Ah! Ah!

Say, "pudgy baby."

Pudgy baby.

Good boy. Now, don't
you worry about a thing.

I'm gonna go in and see
your sergeant right now.

Yeah, can I help you?

Uh, Sergeant Carter?

Yeah.

I'm Sergeant Barnes, and, yes,

as a matter of fact,
you can help me.

You see, Sergeant, I'm
with Special Services,

and we're here to put
on a show this week.

Oh, yeah.

I read something about
it in the plan of the day.

Now, why have I come to you?

Because you happen to be the
one person who can help me out.

You see, I need a big
talent to put this show over.

Oh, really?

Really.

It's terribly important to me,

and I do hope you'll say yes.

Oh, well, well, what
are we standing up for?

Here. (chuckles)

Have a seat.

Uh, would you care
for some coffee?

Well, thank you. (sighs)

Now, uh, tell me a little
something about the show.

Well, it's a revue type of show.

You know, with, uh, music,
sketches, a little dancing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been involved in that
kind of operation before.

A revue type show... music,
sketches, a little dancing.

I'm all for it. (chuckles)

Well, I'm so glad you
feel that way, Sergeant.

It's good for the men's morale.

Uh, sugar? Oh, please.

One or two?

Two.

That's what I would
have guessed.

(laughs)

Yes, Sergeant, man does not live

by "C" rations alone.

A little "Shuffle Off to
Buffalo" never hurt anybody.

(both chuckle)

I can't tell you how happy I
am you feel that way, Sergeant.

Well, the show must go on.

(chuckles) Now, Sergeant,

tell me exactly what
it is you want me

to do for our little show.

Well... Go ahead.

I'm standing in the wings.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to release Gomer
Pyle to star in my show.

Huh?

Well, you see, I need
Gomer desperately.

And, Sergeant, I cannot tell you

how much I
appreciate your attitude.

Most platoon
sergeants would never

cooperate in this
way. (chuckles)

Then it's okay for
me to use Gomer.

It's out of the question!

What?

Look, lady, I got an
inspection coming up.

I need every man I
can lay my hands on.

W-w-wait! You just said...

I just said we got an
inspection coming up,

and we got a lot of
work to do around here.

Well, what about all that talk
about "Shuffle off to Buffalo"?

That's right.

But when we got
an I.G. inspection

coming up, they
"Shuffle Off to Buffalo"

with a shovel in their hands!

But, Sergeant...

If you'll excuse
me, like I said,

I got an inspection coming up!

But, Sergeant, without
Gomer, I'm in big trouble!

That's showbiz!

Now, Gomer, after
I introduce you,

you just come out there

and you do your clown
number, and that's the first act.

Excuse me, Carol.

Are you absolutely positive

it's all right for me
to do the show?

Well, why do you
ask that, Gomer?

Well, all that happened
was you come looking for me

and took me off
duty to rehearse.

Did you talk to Sergeant Carter?

Oh, well, yeah, of course I did!

Well, what did he say?

Well, he said, uh,
the show must go on.

And a little "Shuffle Off to
Buffalo" never hurt anybody.

He said that?

Those were his very words.

That sure is surprising,

what, with an
inspection coming up.

I wouldn't think he'd
have time for a show.

Yeah!

Uh, Bill, do you have the music
for the clown number there?

Can I have it? Thank you.

Uh, Gomer, why-why
don't you rehearse now,

and I'll see you later.

I have a meeting with your
Special Services officer.

Okay? Okay, Carol.

CARTER: Pyle! Pyle!

Where's Pyle?!

Has anybody seen Pyle?!

What happened to him?!

What'd he do, go AWOL?!

Pruitt, wasn't Pyle supposed
to be working with you?!

What happened to him?!

Some lady sergeant
came by in a jeep

and picked him up.

You don't say.

(singing opera in
Italian, piano playing)

(singing and piano stop)

What is it, Sergeant?

It's a shovel, Pyle.

A long-handled,
scoop-like implement

used for lifting
and throwing earth.

And that's what you
should be doing, Pyle,

lifting and throwing
earth, lots of earth.

You mean, I'm not supposed
to be here, Sergeant?

No, you're not, Pyle.

But I thought Sergeant Barnes

got your permission
for me to do the show.

Uh-uh.

She didn't?

Mm-mm.

Well, I'm sorry,
Sergeant, I've very sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Pyle.

There's a way you
can make up for it.

You can take this long-handled,
scoop-like implement

and do about twice as much
work with it as you're supposed to.

Golly, Sergeant, I
sure don't understand.

I thought all this
was straightened out.

Are you mad?

What makes you
think I'm mad, Pyle?

I'm smiling.

Now, get moving, on the double,

before I take that long-handled,
scoop-like implement

and wrap it around your neck.

Move, Pyle, while
I'm still smiling!

Gomer.

Oh, hey, Carol.

Gomer, what are
you doing in that hole?

Why did you leave rehearsal?

Carol, Sergeant Carter
told me that he didn't

give permission for
me to be in your show.

Look, Gomer, I have permission
from headquarters to do a show

and to use any talent I
need, and I need you.

Now, I've got to run up to
the administration building,

so I want you back
at rehearsal right now!

But Sergeant Carter
wants me here.

Well, I want you there.

But I really shouldn't leave.

Gomer, you're my friend.

Now, don't make
me pull rank on you.

But Sergeant Carter
said... Don't force me to do it.

He told me...

You're making me
do it. Please, Carol...

All right, Private, out of
that hole on the double!

Move! Move! Move!

(singing in Italian)

(piano joining in)

(singing and piano stop)

Gomer, you ran out on me again.

Please, Carol, don't make
me go back over there again.

This time, Sergeant
Carter wasn't smiling.

Gomer, I'm not smiling either.

I've got a show to put on,
and you're supposed to be in it.

But, golly, Sergeant
Carter wants me

here on this digging detail.

I wish you and the
sergeant would get together

and decide what
I'm supposed to do.

Okay, all right.

We'll get together
and straighten this out

right now! Thank you.

But, in the meantime,
Gomer, you keep rehearsing.

Here?

Here.

But, Carol, I can't
sing... Sing, Gomer!

Carol, if I...

Gomer, please don't make
me pull rank on you again.

I can't... Sing, Private!
That's an order!

(singing in Italian)

Sergeant Carter?

Sergeant Barnes.

We have a problem, Sergeant.

Yeah? Yes.

And it has to do with
PFC Gomer Pyle.

Now, it's perfectly obvious

that he cannot shovel in my show

and he cannot sing in that hole.

So?

So why don't
you just face facts,

and let the man rehearse
and be in my show?

Because I've got him on
a detail for an inspection,

which is more important!

What's so important
about that hole?!

It ain't the hole,
it's the principle!

Look, Sergeant,
Sergeant, please,

don't put me in the position
of going over your head

to the colonel to get
Pyle into my show

because you know the
colonel would say okay!

Ordinarily, maybe so,

but not with an I.G.
inspection coming up.

Okay, okay, all right.

Why don't we just call the
colonel and settle it right now?

Okay by me.

Okay by me.

Well, call!

You call!

You're the one that wants him!

I don't want to be a fink.

But Gomer Pyle is
gonna be in my show.

Says who? Says me.

Yeah?! Yeah!

Yeah?! Yeah!

Yeah?! Yeah!

I'm sure glad you and
Sergeant Carter worked this out.

I'm surprised, though, that
he didn't say anything to me.

Well, why does he
have to say anything?

I had a long talk with
him, and I just told him

that you were gonna do the show.

And what'd he say?

Uh, he-he said, yeah.

I wonder what made
him change his mind.

Well, you look marvelous, Gomer.

Um, I'm-I'm gonna go check

on the, uh, costumes
for the opening.

Why don't you go on
out and rehearse now.

And that's all the
sergeant said was, "Yeah"?

Mm-hmm.

Three times.

(piano playing)

(singing in Italian)

(laughs forcefully)

(mock laughter)

Shame, shame, shame.

Sergeant Carter didn't
give his permission for me

to be on that show
after all, now, did he?

No, he didn't, Gomer.

Well, this whole thing
could've been settled

real easy, Carol, real easy.

It's just that, well...
you forgot one thing.

What's that?

Well, you and Sergeant
Carter hollered at each other,

he told me.

Well, you see, it's okay

for the sergeant to holler,
because he's a man.

But, well, that's
what you forgot...

That you're a woman and
you don't have to holler.

Oh, swell.

What am I gonna do now?

The show's tonight, and
I've got to have a singer.

Well, if I was you, I'd go back

and have another talk
with Sergeant Carter.

But this time, when you go back,

well, don't go back
as Sergeant Barnes.

Go back as... Miss Carol.

(knock at door)

Come in.

Yeah?

Hi.

(sighs)

You know what I
like about this room?

It smells like a man's room.

Huh?

You're probably
wondering why I'm here.

Oh, now, I know
what must be going on

behind those cute
little Porky Pig eyes.

Well, Sergeant...

Vince... I may call
you Vince, mayn't I?

And you can call me
Carol if you want or...

or, if you prefer, Corky.

That's what they used to call me

when I was a pom-pom
girl back at Emerson High.

Well... anyway,
Vince, I was thinking

about that ugly
scene we had earlier,

and I got to thinking that if,

after that nasty meeting,
one of us had died,

I would feel terrible
for the rest of my life.

Well... So, can't we...

start all over again, Vince?

Well, if you really mean it,

maybe I ought to explain
why I blew my stack.

No, no, no, no.

You don't have to.

Oh, no.

I know the tremendous
responsibilities

that a platoon leader has.

All the tensions and the worries

and the pressures

that are all yours
and yours alone.

Yeah... the awesome
weight that...

that falls on one
man's shoulders.

(sultry moan) What shoulders.

Oh, you are tense, aren't you?

It's all them awesome
responsibilities.

Yes.

You know, Vince,
actually, in a way,

I think it was your fault

that we got started
off on the wrong foot.

Huh? Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.

You didn't tell me
about all your credits.

Mm-mm! (giggles)

Shame, shame, shame.

You didn't tell me

that you had formed a glee club

that had appeared
in a Hollywood movie.

(sighs, laughs)

Oh, and I'll bet you've done

many, many, many
other things, haven't you?

In high school, I was
in Pirates of Penzance.

(chuckles)

I'll bet you were wonderful.

(knock at door)

CAROL: Whoo, Gomer.

Come in.

(crowd cheering, applauding)

Isn't that... isn't it great?

Yeah, it really
sounds wonderful.

Oh, it's going just swell.

Are you almost ready?

Yeah, but I'm kind of nervous.

Oh, now, don't you be
a bit nervous, Gomer.

You go right out there
and do the number

exactly as you've been
doing it in rehearsal.

Boy, I sure got to
hand it to you, Carol.

You really know how
to put a show together.

The headline of the
camp paper tomorrow

ought to say, "Thank
you, Sergeant Barnes."

Mm-mm, it wasn't Sergeant Barnes

who did it, it was
your "Miss Carol."

Huh?

Well, you see, it was Miss Carol

who got the kind of cooperation

that was needed
to get this show on.

(knock at door)

15 minutes, Barnes and Pyle.

(chuckling)

(cheering, applause)

(sighs, clears throat)

Well, what would
you like to do, Gomer?

Well, we could sing a song.

Oh, good.

Uh, what songs do you know?

Well, I know "Row,
Row, Row Your Boat."

Oh, say no more, I
know that one, too.

Uh, what key do you sing it in?

I don't know.

(singing random notes):
♪ Row, row, row... ♪

Uh, can you do
anything with that, fellas?

(accompaniment begins)

Okay, just start whenever
you want, Gomer.

Just start.

(nervous laugh)

Just... (smacks lips)

jump right in. Okay.

Just start.

I'll start.

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ Keep going ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat
♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
life is but a dream ♪

Gomer, uh,

"Row, Row, Row
Your Boat" is a round.

A what?

A round.

Uh, what that means is you sing,

and I don't pay any attention

to what you're
singing, and I sing,

and you don't pay any attention

to what I'm singing,
and somehow,

miraculously, it fits together.

It's cute the way it works.

Okay. You want to try it now?

Mm-hmm. You start.

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat
♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

(giggling)

Uh, you're...
you're still goofing.

I'm sorry, I can hear you.

I'll stop up my ears this time.

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat
♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Gently down the... ♪

Gomer!

(laughing)

I'll stand over here.

(crowd whooping, laughing)

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat
♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪ ♪
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily,
merrily ♪ ♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat
♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪ ♪
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily,
merrily ♪ ♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Frère Jacques ♪ ♪
Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Frère Jacques ♪ ♪
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Dormez-vous? ♪
♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ Frère Jacques ♪
♪ Dormez-vous?

♪ Sonnez les matines ♪
♪ Dormez-vous? ♪

♪ Dormez-vous? ♪
♪ Sonnez les matines ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪
♪ Sonnez les matines ♪

♪ Sonnez les matines ♪
♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪ ♪
Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree ♪

♪ Merry, merry king of the bush
is he ♪ ♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

♪ Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh ♪ ♪
Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree ♪

♪ Kookaburra, gay your life must be ♪
♪ Merry, merry king of the bush is he ♪

♪ Kookaburra sits in the old gum
tree ♪ ♪ Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh ♪

♪ Merry, merry, king of the bush is he
♪ ♪ Kookaburra, gay your life must be ♪

♪ Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh ♪ ♪
Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree ♪

♪ Kookaburra, gay your life must be ♪
♪ Merry, merry king of the bush is he ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody,
go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ The old gray goose is dead ♪

♪ Oh you take the high road-y ♪

♪ I'll take the low road-y ♪

♪ And I'll be in
Scotland afore ya ♪

♪ For me and my true
love will never meet again ♪

♪ On the bonnie, bonnie
banks of Loch Lomond ♪

♪ And for Bonnie Annie Laurie ♪

♪ I'd lay me doon and dee. ♪

"Dee"?

"Doon and dee."

Do another one.

♪ My bonnie lies
over the ocean ♪

♪ My bonnie lies over the sea ♪

♪ My bonnie lies
over the ocean ♪

♪ Oh, bring back
my bonnie to me ♪

♪ He flies through the
air ♪ ♪ Bring back ♪

♪ Bring back ♪ ♪ With
the greatest of ease ♪

♪ Oh, bring back my bonnie
♪ ♪ The daring young man ♪

♪ To me, to me ♪ ♪
On the flying trapeze ♪

♪ Bring back ♪ ♪ His
movements are graceful ♪

♪ The girls he does
please ♪ ♪ Bring back ♪

♪ My love he has purloined away ♪
♪ Oh, bring back my bonnie to me ♪

♪ He flies through the air
♪ ♪ Gentlemen songsters ♪

♪ With the greatest of
ease ♪ ♪ Off on a spree ♪

♪ The daring young man
♪ ♪ Doomed from here ♪

♪ On the flying trapeze
♪ ♪ To eternity ♪

♪ His movements are graceful
♪ ♪ Lord have mercy ♪

♪ The girls he does please
♪ ♪ On such as we ♪

♪ My love he has purloined
away ♪ ♪ Baa, baa ♪

♪ Drink, drink, drink ♪

♪ To eyes that are bright ♪

♪ As stars when
they're shining on me ♪

♪ Drink, drink ♪ ♪ Blow
the man down, mateys ♪

♪ Drink to eyes that are bright
♪ ♪ Blow the men down ♪

♪ As stars when they're shining on
me ♪ ♪ Yo-ho, blow the man down ♪

♪ Drink, drink, ya-da-da-da ♪

♪ Drink, drink, ya-da-da-da ♪

♪ Drink... ♪

Ooh... (giggles)

♪ To me only ♪

♪ With thine eyes ♪

♪ And I will pledge ♪

♪ With mine ♪

♪ Your dark eyes that shine ♪

♪ Ah, Chechanya ♪

♪ La-da-da, da-dum ♪
♪ All the world ♪

♪ Is sad and dreary ♪
♪ La-da-da, da-dum ♪

♪ La-da-da, da-dum ♪
♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ La-da-da, da-dum ♪

♪ La-da-da... ♪

(laughter)

♪ She'll be comi"
round that mountain ♪

♪ When she comes ♪

♪ She'll be comin'
round that mountain ♪

♪ When she comes ♪

♪ She'll be... ♪

♪ Comin' around that mountain ♪

♪ She'll be comin'
around that mountain ♪

♪ She'll be comin' around that
mountain when she comes ♪

What'll she drive? ♪ She'll be drivin'
six white horses when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be drivin' six white
horses when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be drivin'
six white horses ♪

♪ Drivin' six white horses ♪

♪ Drivin' six white
horses when she comes ♪

♪ Swing low ♪ ♪ She'll be
comin' round that mountain ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪
♪ When she comes ♪

♪ Coming for ♪ ♪ She'll be
comin' round that mountain ♪

♪ To carry me home ♪
♪ When she comes ♪

♪ Swing low ♪ ♪ She'll be
comi" round that mountain ♪

♪ She'll be comi" round that
mountain ♪ ♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming for ♪ ♪ She'll be
comin' round that mountain ♪

♪ To carry me home ♪
♪ When she comes ♪

♪ Well, I looked over Jordan
♪ ♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ And what did I see? ♪
♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me ♪ ♪
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Home... ♪ ♪
Life is but a dream ♪

♪ A band of angels ♪ ♪
Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Coming after me ♪ ♪
Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me ♪ ♪
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Home... ♪ ♪
Life is but a dream ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

Gomer!

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream! ♪

(applause, whooping)

(applause)

Thank you, thank you.

You've been a
wonderful audience.

And, uh, I want to thank

all the people who took
part in tonight's show,

especially Camp Henderson's own

Gome... Gomer Pyle.

(cheering, applause)

And I also want to
thank one person

in particular, without
whom you-you wouldn't

have been able to
see this show tonight

for a very simple reason:
he worked the curtains.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
Sergeant Vince Carter.

(cheering, applause)

(no audio)