Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 22 - Gomer Tends a Sick Cat - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Hey, Duke. I was just
down at the cleaners

and your pants was ready
so I brought them back.

Oh, thanks, Gomer.
Here, I'll take them.

Hey, Duke.

Is something wrong
with Sergeant Carter?

Why, didn't he
yell at you today?

No. On the way back
from the cleaners,

I saw him going into sick bay.

Oh, yeah. He said he
was going to stop by.

Something about
a pain in his side.

Well, that sounds serious.

You don't think it could
be his appendix, do you?

No, he went over
to Bunny's last night

for their weekly Mexican dinner:

liverwurst tacos, refried beans

and a butterscotch
ice cream soda.

Well, that must be it.

With all due respect,

I've had Miss Bunny's beans,

and they're not too good.

I'll see you later.

Sure, Gome.

Company B, Corporal Slater.

Duke, this is Bunny.

Is Vince there?

No, he's not,
Bunny. He went over

to sick call a little while ago.

"Sick call"? Is anything
wrong with him?

Nah, I think it was
just a little indigestion.

Oh, probably something he ate.

Yeah. You want me
to have him call you?

Oh, would you please,
Duke, as soon as he gets back.

And tell him it's important.

Okay, Bun.

Hold on just a second.
He just walked in.

Sarge, it's Bunny. Oh.

What happened at sick bay?

The doctor asked me if
I'd ever had the pain before,

I said, "Yeah, last week
after I ate at Bunny's."

So what'd the doctor say?

He said, "Well,
you got it again."

Hello, Bunny.

Vince? Duke said
you were at sick call.

You okay?

Yeah, it was just a
little pain in my side.

Well, it's not your
appendix, is it?

No, he said if it was
my appendix, I'd know it.

Just a case of wait
and see. What's up?

Vince, it's terrible.

I just don't know what to do.

About what?

Boots, he's had another relapse.

I don't know if he's
going to make it.

Oh, really?

Well, look at it this way,

he's lived a good life,

but when it's time, it's time.

Who is it, Sarge? Anybody close?

Her cat.

Her cat?

Uh, yeah, I'm still here, Bun.

Listen, I want you to
know how sorry I am.

I knew you'd understand.

That's why I was sure
you wouldn't be mad

that I have to break
our date tonight.

Break our date? What for?

Well, Vince, I can't leave
Boots at a time like this.

Who said anything about leaving?

I'll come over,
we'll sit, talk...

You know, watch Boots.

Oh, Vince, I just couldn't.

I mean, I'd be bad company.

Okay, okay, stay with Boots.

And let me know
how he's getting along.

I mean, call me if there's
any change in his condition.

You really want me to?

Sure. Call me the
minute there's a change.

Oh, thanks, Vince.

You're a sweet guy.


Bye, Bun.

That crummy cat!

Huh? You just
sounded so interested.

What interested?

This is the fifth time
he's done this to me.

He hates me! The cat?

Yeah, Boots.

You'd think he
was out to get me.

This sick thing is just
the latest gimmick.

He's pulled all kinds
of stuff before this.

He used to just sit there
and stare at me all night.

You mean he really ain't sick?

No, I told you.

He ain't sick, he's jealous.

How come Bunny
doesn't know he ain't sick?

She takes him to
the vet, doesn't she?

He must have
the vet fooled, too.

Hey, Sarge.

Maybe Boots and
the vet are in cahoots.

Yeah, that's it.

The vet tells Boots to act sick,

then tells Bunny that
Boots is on his way out,

then after you leave,

the vet sneaks up to Bunny's
apartment and... Slater!

The vet is Bunny's

She's 56-years-old and
hates that cat as much as I do.

Oh. Boy, that's
a bad cat, Sarge.

Why do you want
her to think you like it?

Look, Slater, when you've
been around as long as I have,

you realize that the
best way to handle dames

is to make them think
you're going along with them.

Yeah, good thinking, Sarge.

So look, the next
time she calls,

if I ain't here,
act like you care.

As if we've talked it over.

Be sad. Lay it on.

Okay, Sarge.

How long is this going to go on?

I'll guarantee you,
Slater, the second

I don't show up for two days,

that cat is going to have
a miraculous recovery.

Company B, Corporal Slater.

No, he's not, Bunny.

He's out checking on the guys.

Oh, yeah, the sarge mentioned it

when he got back from sick call.

Oh, really?

What'd the doctor say?

No kidding.

Gee, I didn't realize
it was that serious.

Hold on, Bunny,
maybe I'd better get him.

I'll be right back, Gomer.

Hello, Miss Bunny?
This is Gomer.

Oh, hi, Gomer.

Excuse me for
butting in like this,

but I couldn't help
overhearing the bad news.

Oh, yes, Gomer.

Isn't it awful?

I guess so, but to be truthful,

I don't know too much about it.

Well, that's the trouble,
Gomer, no one does.

The doctor says it's
really just a matter of time.


Well, that's
terrible, Miss Bunny.

I know, but he's been
through this before, you know.

No, I didn't know.

What really scares me is
there's so little we can do,

except follow the
doctor's instructions.

Well, what did the doctor say?

Just to be sure and
make him comfortable

and keep him inside
as much as possible.

You mean he's not
even allowed to go out?

Well, no.

And there's nothing
he enjoys more

than that car and a drive.

And now the doctor
says he can't even do that.

That's just terrible,
Miss Bunny.

And then there are the things
like seeing he keeps warm,

and above all, he's
not supposed to get wet.

Well, who else knows about this?

Just Duke, you, and the doctor.

Oh, and of course, Vince.

Oh, he's been just marvelous
through this whole thing.

He's a tower of strength, Gomer,

a real Rock of Gibraltar.

I know, Miss Bunny, I know.

Gomer, would you
take a look outside

and see if Duke's found him yet?

Well, all right.

But don't you
worry about a thing.

Everything's going
to turn out just fine.

Just hold on.

Pyle, why don't you
watch where you're going?!

What are you
trying to do, kill me?!

Oh, no!

Hey, Duke, could I talk to
you outside for just a minute?

Sure, Gome.

Hello, Bun. What's up?

Duke, I just talked
to Miss Bunny,

and, well, she told me
what the doctor said.

Yeah. Well, it's just awful.

We've got to do something.

No, Gome, you stay out of it.

Bunny's the one that's closest

to this whole thing,
so you let her handle it.

And don't say anything to the
Sarge, 'cause it gets him upset.

But, Duke, it's a
matter of life and death.

That's one of the
reasons the sarge

doesn't want to talk about it.

Pyle, what are you doing?

Hmm? Oh, I was just sweeping.

No, Pyle, you're leaning.

If you were sweeping, the
broom would be moving.

Yes, sir.

You want me to get you
another cup of coffee, Sergeant?

No, thanks, Pyle.
That was the last cup.

Don't say that, Sergeant.

What'd you mean?
The pot's empty.

Oh. Well, I was just noticing,

you don't have an extra
blanket on your bunk.

Would you like
me to get you one?

No, thanks, Pyle.
I only use one.

Well, what with the cold
we've been having at night,

I just thought that
you might like...

Pyle, I don't need
another blanket!

Now, will you get out
of here and let me work?

Yes, sir.


What, Pyle?

Do you happen to be
going into town tonight?

I guess you want a ride, huh?

Okay, meet me at
the flagpole at 1900.

Oh. Well, no thank
you, Sergeant.

I can't be ready that early.


DO you think you'll be taking
a shower before you leave?

Get out, Pyle.

Hey, Sarge, can I borrow
your copy of Fun Girl?

Why? Well, I got M.P. duty
over at headquarters tonight,

and I need something
to keep me company.

Okay. Don't lose my place.

Thanks, Sarge.

Where are you going? Into town.

I thought Bunny was
sitting up with her sick cat?

She is.

I'm playing pinochle
with the guys tonight.

If you want me, you can
get me over at Bill Persky's

until midnight. Right, Sarge.

♪ ♪

Get me the M.P.s!

I am the M.P.s.

Okay. I want to report
two stolen wheels!

What? You heard me.

Somebody stole
my two rear wheels!

The whole wheels?
The whole wheels!

They jacked up
the rear of my car

and stole both of them.

Okay, Sarge, but it
sounds awful crazy.

You want to go over to
headquarters with me?

Okay, I'll fill out a report.

Hey, Sarge, I just
thought of something.

If somebody were
to swipe your wheels,

why didn't they
take all four of them?

How do I know? Maybe
they just need two.

Yeah. I'll tell them to look
for a guy with a motorcycle.

Move it, Slater!





Hello. Miss Bunny?

Well, this is Gomer.

I was just wondering.

Have you heard anything
else from that doctor?

No, I haven't, Gomer.

You mean, they haven't
got any idea what it is yet?

Well, they have their theories,

but the way he used
to run around at night,

there's no telling what
he might have picked up.

He just doesn't seem
to be getting any better.

Well, is there anything...?

Well, there's got to be
something we can do.

Well, no. The doctor
seems to feel the best thing

we can do is keep everything
as normal as possible.

As a matter of fact, if I
have time this afternoon,

I'm going to try and
get him a new ball.

A new ball?

Uh-huh, with a bell in it.

The old one disappeared.


Well, what did he do with it?

We played catch.

It's marvelous exercise.

Oh. Well, I didn't
know he liked to do that.

Well, you're never
around when we're alone.

Oh, I know it
sounds crazy, Gomer.

It's the kind of thing
a kitten would like,

but not when you're his age.

Well, if he really likes it,

then he should have a new ball.

Exactly, Gomer.

Little things become
very important

when you're not well.

Like a game of catch,
or-or a cup of warm milk.

Just simple, everyday things.

Golly, Miss Bunny, I
don't know what to say.

Well, just knowing
how much you care

means a great deal, Gomer.

I'll call you if I
hear anything more.

Well, thank you,
and don't you worry.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

It's just got to be.

Well, bye.


Yeah, Sarge.

How'd that get there?

It's a cup of milk.

I know what it is.

How did it get there?!

Gosh, I don't know, Sarge.

It wasn't there when we left.

Hey, it's warm.

See, it's got skin on it.

I'm being sandbagged, Slater.

I don't know who,
and I don't know why,

but I'm being sandbagged!

What makes you think that?

Did you ever see me drink
warm milk out of a cup?

No, but I remember
one night in Tijuana

when you drank beer
out of one of those...


Well, who ever heard

of sandbagging a
guy with a cup of milk?

The same guy that tried
to cook me this morning,

that kept me from
taking a shower,

and then stole my valves!

You know, Sarge,

the pressure of day-to-day
command responsibility

can sometimes
make a guy... well...


But certainly not
in your case, Sarge.

Look, I'm not
going off my rocker.

How about last
night with my wheels?

Well, yeah, I guess...

And waking up this morning
wrapped like a mummy!

I'm telling you, Slater,

there's some strange
things going on around here.

It's a ball.

With a bell in it.

Where'd it come from?

From the bottom of Meyer's Lake.


It belongs to Boots.

You mean Bunny's cat?


One night last week I
was over at Bunny's,

and the cat was bugging
me, so I stole his ball,

and on the way home, I
flung it in Meyer's Lake.

You stole a ball from a cat?

I told you, he was bugging me.

Don't you have anything to do?

Company B. Sergeant Carter.

Vince. It's Boots.

I think it's about over.

He's dying?

No, the crisis is over.

He seems to be getting better.

Gee, ain't that swell.

Oh, I tell you, Vince,

he really had me
going there for a while.

Yeah, but the
little son of a gun

always seems to pull out
at the last minute, don't he?

Isn't it wonderful?

He's got his appetite back.

Why, he drank two cups of milk.

And remember his little
red ball that disappeared?

The one with the bell in it?


Well, I got him another
one, and he's been

playing with it all day.


Vince, are you there?

Huh? Uh, yeah.

Would you please tell
Gomer that Boots is all right?



Oh, he's been so concerned.

He must've called two
or three times every day.

Pyle called?

Why would Pyle call?

Well, to see if he
could do anything.

Oh, he's been just wonderful
through this whole thing.

Listen, Bunny, when Pyle called,

did you tell him what
you told me just now,

about the ball and the milk?

Yeah, Vince. Why?

Look, Bun, I got to go
now. I'll call you later, okay?

Well, sure, but am I
gonna see you tonight?

I'll call you later. Bye, Bun.

That nitwit.


No! Pyle!

What did he do now?

I finally figured
out what's going on.

Nobody's sandbagging me.

It's that stupid Pyle!

What are you
talking about, Sarge?

For some reason...
Don't ask me why...

Mr. Butinksi has got me

and that stupid cat,
Boots, mixed up.

He think I'm dying!

Well, how could he
make a mistake like that?

Two reasons... he's
stupid, and he's nosy.



I'll teach him a lesson
he'll never forget.

What are you gonna do, Sarge?

In a half an hour, you
tell him I want to see him.

Pyle thinks he's got
a dying sergeant?

Well, I'm gonna give him one!


Duke said you wanted to see me.

Yeah, Pyle.

I wanted to see
you one last time.

One last time?

Sit down, Pyle.

Here, next to me.

Are you there?

I'm right here, Sergeant.

Can't you see me?

You... fade in and out, Pyle.

You... fade in and out.

Turn on the light, will you?

It's-It's on, Sergeant.

Thank you.

Sergeant, let me call
a hospital right away.

No. No, Pyle.

By the time you get back,

I may not be here.

Well, there must be
something I can do.

Can I make you more comfortable?

Let me take your boots off.

No, Pyle.

I want to go with them on.

Don't say that, Sergeant!

Look, Pyle, I want you

to do something for me.

Anything, Sergeant,
just anything.

In my footlocker,
there's a will.

Except for a few personal things

that go to Mom, it's all yours.

Oh, no, Sergeant, I couldn't.

Believe me, Pyle,

you deserve
everything you're getting.

Sergeant, what can I say?

Nothing, Pyle.

Just do me one more favor.

Call Bunny and tell her

I won't be able
to make it tonight.

I'll call her right
now, Sergeant.

But first...

My helmet.

Put it on.

No, Pyle.

On me.

Oh. I'm sorry, Sergeant.

Thanks, Pyle.

Sit me up.

But, Sergeant, you
shouldn't be sitting up.

Up, Pyle, up.

Pyle... Atten-hut!

Good-bye... Gomer.



Operator, get me the hospital.

Sarge, you all right?

Huh? Oh.

You should have been here.

He went for it hook,
line and sinker.

I was beautiful. Beautiful!

Sarge, I still don't think
you should have done it.

It was a pretty mean trick.

Sarge, are you
sure you're all right?

Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just laughing so
hard, I got a pain in my side.

I got to get dressed

and get this place
straightened up

before he brings
anybody back here.

They'll think he's nuts.

Sarge, why don't we let
him off the hook? Ooh.

Sarge, what's wrong?

I told you, I got
a pain in my side

from laughing so hard,
and I can't straighten up.

Get out of here before
he gets back, will you?

Oh, Duke, thank
goodness you're here.

The sergeant's awful sick.

Gomer, I'm beginning
to think you're right.

The ambulance.
Duke, got meet them.

No, Slater.

Send them away.

Hurry, Duke! Slater!

Well, you stay here. I'll go.

Slater, get rid of them.

I ain't sick. They'll
think I'm nuts.

Hey, Doctor, it's
right back here.

Right in here.

Right over there.

What seems to be
wrong, Sergeant?

Nothing, sir. I-I
just got a cramp.


Well, it's in my right side.

It-It's nothing really.

Have you had it before?
A couple of times,

but it always goes away.

You feel a little warm.

Are you nauseous?

Well, yeah, a little, but
I've been laughing a lot.

Does this hurt?

Doctor, believe me...

Lie there and be quiet,
Sergeant, that's an order.

Sir, do you know
what's wrong with him?

Well, I can't be sure,
Corporal, but it looks like

he's about to lose his appendix.

You didn't call us
a moment too soon.

Tell the ambulance driver
we need a stretcher in here.

Yes, sir.

I sure am glad I
called the ambulance.

I am, too.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Gomer, as long as
you're around, he'll be fine.

Let's face it, Sarge,
if it wasn't for Pyle,

you'd be in a lot
of trouble. Yeah.

I still think it's a pretty
rotten trick to play on a guy.

All right, Slater, all right.

I mean, you know how
Pyle feels about you.

I know, Slater, I know.

He idolizes you.

Why, he thinks about you

like most guys think
about their father,

and now, you even
owe him your life.

Slater, you made your point.

Hey, Sergeant. CARTER: Pyle.

Hey, Duke. SLATER: Hey, Gome.

Well, I got to go back to work.

I'll see you guys later.

Yeah, see you,
Slater. Bye, Duke.

How are you feeling, Sergeant?

Fine, Pyle.

The nurse said
you're good as new,

and you'll be out of here
by day after tomorrow.


Uh, look, Pyle, I want
to tell you something,

uh, a-about what you did.

I mean...

You don't have to
say nothing, Sergeant.

No, Pyle, I-I want to.

I want to say...

But I know how
you feel, Sergeant.

Maybe so, but I
just want to say...

Honest, Sergeant, I'm just
glad we got you here in time.

That's why I want to say...

But you don't have to,

Sergeant. I'd do
anything for you.

Pyle, will you shut up
and let me thank you?!

Can't you tell when
somebody's trying to be sincere?

You talk and talk and talk...

Are you all right, Sergeant?