Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 20 - Freddy's Friendly Computer - full transcript

Fast Freddie is in the computer dating service although he doesn't have a computer. He sets Gomer up with a date.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Here it is, boys, change
your luck and your life.

Let the computer help you
find the girl of your dreams.

Read it, young man.

Here we go, son. Read this.

Let science help
you find the perfect...

Well, hey, Mr. Freddy.

Hi. Uh, don't tell me...

Don't tell me, it's on
the tip of my tongue.

Uh, what is it?

Gomer Pyle.

Oh, Gomer Pyle. How are you?

Read this, Gomer,
make you happy man.

What is it?

Well, I'm in the computer
dating service now.

You fill out a card,
put it in the machine

and it finds the
perfect mate for you.

Oh, well, I don't need this.

I've already found the
perfect mate... Lou Ann Poovie.

Yeah, but did you
find her scientifically?

You know, we're finding perfect
mates these days scientifically.

Now, you read
that, it's educational.

Oh, I don't really
think that I need...

Computers, computers, my boy.

It's the coming thing.

It eliminates all the guesswork.

No more long engagements.

Science can show you how to
find the perfect partner for you.

Now, read it, read it.

Read it.

Hey, Lou Ann.

Well, hey, Gomer.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

When's the last
time you seen that?

Beef jerky.

But where on earth
did you ever find that?

I was passing this Army-Navy
store and there it was.

Well, that's just wonderful.

I love it.

I do, too, and I knew you would.

Let's take it to
the movie with us.

Hey, that's a real good idea.

I like it a whole lot
better than licorice.

It's a lot more
nourishing for you, too.

Where would you
like to eat tonight?

Oh, I don't care.

Want to go to Chicken Heaven?

If you'd like.

Or maybe you'd
rather have Italian.

Oh, that's good, too.

Or Chinese.

I like them all.

Oh, my goodness,
now I'm really confused.

What we need's one of
them computer machines

to help us decide where to eat.


Well, as I was
leaving the base today,

I ran into that
Mr. Friendly Freddy.

You'll never believe
what he's doing now.

"Let Science Help You
Find the Perfect Mate."

I think that's the silliest
business he's been in yet.

Imagine having a computer
get you a date with a girl

that's supposed to
be perfect for you.

Isn't that silly?

Well, now, I don't know, Gomer.

Lots of people believe
in this sort of thing.

It's supposed to
be very scientific.

Why, computers
are the coming thing.

Well, that's what
Mr. Freddy said.

Well, yes, they use them
to help forecast elections

and the space program, and...

Hey, Gomer, you know
what I think would be real fun?


Well, if you filled
out that application

and took it to the computer.


Well, to see what
kind of girl you'd get.

Lou Ann, I'm not
interested in any other girls.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're the perfect girl for me.

Gomer, that's sweet, but...

well, aren't you curious?

Not really.

Well, I am.

I'd be real curious to find

what kind of girl that
computer would pick for you.

But, Lou Ann, I...

Oh, Gomer, please
do it. It'll be fun.

Well, I don't... Oh,
come on, Gomer. Do it.

Come on, please, do it for me.

You didn't get the rent check?

Well, it's probably a
malfunction in the mails.

Uh, Mr. Halloran,
let me call you back.

I've got somebody
in the office now.

Yeah, okay.

Well, well, well, Homer,
what brings you here?


Uh, I guess I came
to try out the computer.

Well, great. Terrific.

Let me tell you, my
boy, you'll never be sorry.

Did you bring the
application card?

Uh-huh, and it's all filled out.

Good, that saves time.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, this seems in order.

Are you ready for the big step?

What do you say we
put this into the computer

and see what comes out, huh?

Well, I guess we might as well.

All right, then you stay there.

We'll feed this information
into the computer.

Round and round she goes and
where she stops, nobody knows.



You stay there now, don't move.

Ssst! Look alive, sweetheart,
we got a customer.

It's about time! Shh!

It's about time.

I don't know about
this deal, Freddy,

it's not working
out like you said.

You know I gave up my seniority
at the bakery to come here.

A girl with your talent...

And the smell was better, too.

Give it a chance.
We just started.

Well, all right. What's he like?

Here's his application.
Take a look.

Just be a minute. I'm feeding it

into the computer
now. All right.

Study that while I give
him a little atmosphere.

I'm studying, I'm studying.


I'm hurrying.

It's working on your
case right now, Gomer.

Have the answer in a minute.


You ready?

Yeah, I think so.

I'm wearing this yellow dress
'cause it's his favorite color.

Good, good, go, go, go.

I'm going. Go, go!

Sorry to keep you waiting.

But here it is; we've
got your answer.

You have?

Yes, sir.

And has the computer
got a girl for you.


I think you hit the jackpot.

Listen to this, Gomer.

"Five-foot four, blues
eyes, blonde hair,

terrific figure, completed
the eighth grade."

Absolutely perfect for you.

Well, I don't know.

Her name is Ellie Hofsteder.

I guess you're anxious
to meet her, right?

Well, not really.

But I guess I ought to see her,

so's I can tell Lou
Ann what she's like.

Yeah, yeah, I think
I can arrange that.

Howdy do, Mr. Freddy.

Hi. Because...

Why, this... this is incredible.

Gomer, do you know who this is?

No, I don't.

This is Ellie.

Ellie Hofsteder.

Well, for goodness sakes.

Really? Yeah.

Ellie, this is Gomer Pyle,

who the computer picked
not 30 seconds ago,

out of all the names in our
files, as your perfect mate.

Oh, for goodness sakes.


Isn't science marvelous!

I mean, both came to my office
at practically the same time.

It just shows you how much
in tune you two people are.

Hey, Mr. Pyle.

How you are?

Hey, Miss Hofsteder.

Excuse me, but you
two people sound like

you're from the same part
of the country, are you?

Oh, well, I'm from a little
town in North Carolina

I'm sure nobody ever heard of.

About a hundred
miles from Mayberry.

A hundred miles from Mayberry?

You ain't from
Cyler City, are you?

Yes, how'd you know?

Well, I just guessed.

See, I'm from Mayberry.

Oh, for goodness sakes alive.

You don't mean it.

This is all kind
of spooky, isn't it?

It sure is.

This is fantastic.

Absolutely fantastic.

Why don't you go out and
have lunch or something,

get better acquainted, huh?

Oh, I would enjoy some lunch.

I just missed my
breakfast completely.

Well, sure. Go on, go on.

Okay, Miss Hofsteder, you ready?

Oh, you can call me Ellie.

And I'll call you Gomer.

Well, all right.

Oh, uh, Pyle?

I hate to mention
it at a time like this,

but that'll be ten dollars.


Oh, I'm sorry.


Absolutely fantastic.

Well, that certainly
does sound fantastic.

And then what happened next?

I mean, after you found
out that Miss Hofsteder

was from North Carolina?

Oh, well, then Mr. Freddy
suggested we go have some lunch.

You took her to a restaurant?

Oh, no, there was this little
lunch truck on the street,

so we just stopped
and had a hot dog.

It really was a
strange experience,

and kind of interesting,

but that's all over
and done with.

What movie would
you like to see tonight?

Uh, Gomer, what
did you talk about?

With Ellie?

Oh, we talked... Ellie?

Uh-huh, that's Miss
Hofsteder's first name.

Hey, Lou Ann,
would you rather see

The Dancing Pimpernel
or Seal Island?

Gomer, you still haven't told
me what you talked about.

Oh, you know,

just things we both like
and have in common.

Like what?

Oh, well, like hot
dogs with mayonnaise

and relish. Gomer...

Are you going to see her again?

Well, no, Lou Ann.

I'm not interested in her.

Just because we both like hot
dogs with mayonnaise and relish

and she happened
to wear a yellow dress,

which is my favorite color,

don't mean that we're
meant for each other.

Well, I certainly think that

you ought to see
her for a second time.

Well, no, Lou Ann.

I didn't want to
see her a first time.

That was your idea.

No, Gomer, my idea was to
conduct a scientific experiment,

not to have you dine
with Miss Hofsteder.

But it was just two hot
dogs at a lunch wagon.

Well, seeing as how you
found all these things in common

and you got along so famously,

I think you owe it to yourself

and to Miss Hofsteder
and to me to see her again.


Well, suppose later on,

you and I happened
to get married,

you'd never forgive
yourself or me.

I mean, there was Miss
Right waiting for you

as the computer told you,
and you passed her by.

But, Lou Ann, I've
already found Miss Right.

And I think you
ought to be sure.

It's the only fair thing to do.

Fair to you, and fair to me,

and certainly fair
to Miss Hofsteder.


Malingering, Pyle... that's
what they call it in the book,

and that's what you're doing.

Goldbricking, goofing off.

You're moping
around like a sick cat.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

Now, you got a personal
problem, let's hear it.

Well, I'd rather not
talk about it, Sergeant.

Well, I would. Let's
get it out in the open.

Let's hear it.

Well, it has to do with Lou Ann.


She wants me to go
out with Ellie Hofsteder.

Who is Ellie Hofsteder?

Well, she's the girl that
Mr. Freddy's computer picked for me.


It's that Friendly
Freddy's latest gimmick.

He's got a computer machine
that finds the perfect mate for you.

You've got to be kidding.

Pyle, you are really stupid.

When are you gonna learn

that anything that Friendly
Freddy is mixed-up in

has got to be phony.

A computer machine.

I know it sounds
ridiculous, Sergeant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did
you give him any money?

Ten dollars.

Ten dollars?

He gave him ten bucks
for this phony date.

Boy. Okay, that does it.

I'm going down there, and I'm
gonna nail that guy once and for all.

Good idea, Sarge.

Give me ten bucks.


I'm doing this for
you, not for me.

You don't want me to spend
my own money, do you?

Sergeant Carter,
what can I do for you?

Hello, Freddy.

I hear you got a dating
service going here

with a computer and everything.

Yeah, yeah, real scientific.


I wonder what ever
made you decide

to go into this
kind of business.

Two things, Sergeant.

One, you gotta keep
up with the times,

and I mean the time is now...

Computers is a now thing.


And what's the other reason?

Well, maybe I'm getting mellow,

but the fact is I'm
interested in opening

a lifetime of happiness and joy

for a as many lonely
people as possible.

Oh, for crying out...

No, no, it's true. Have
you any idea how many

lonely people there are
in this world, Sergeant?

What a coincidence.

I was laying in bed last night,

and I said to myself, "Vince
Carter, you are a lonely man."

And I got up this morning,

and I filled out this card.

Now, why don't you
shoot old, lonesome Vince

through your computer
and see if you can find

some of that happiness for me?

Absolutely, Sergeant.

Sheesh. How you never know.

Now, to me, you look like a man
whose phone never stops ringing

and whose dance
card is always filled.

How you never know.

Compute. Compute.

Quick, study this
and get out there.

And if you ever thought
of being great, make it now.

Why, who's out there?

Shh. Just get out there.

Make it Babe Stanton this time.

Babe Stanton? Yeah.

Excuse me, Sergeant,
is anyone here?


Oh... uh, yeah.

Freddy's in the back.


Are you signed up
with this dating bureau?

Are you kidding?

No chance.

And if you want
some free advice,

you won't get mixed
up with it either.

Oh, but I already am.

I joined last week,

just as soon as I came
here from Wichita.


Is that where you're from?

Yes. Why?

That's my hometown.

Oh, isn't that a coincidence?


That's why I became
a member here,

because it can get so
lonely in a new town.

Why, if I didn't
have my bowling...


Do you bowl?

Oh, yes.

I have my own
ball and everything.

No kidding?

Well, Sergeant, I got
your answer right here.

And the... Oh, I'm
sorry. Can I help you?

Oh, I guess you
don't remember me.

I was in last weekend.

I'm Babe Stanton.

Babe Stanton?

Oh, no, you're not
going to believe this.


You're not going
to believe it...

I don't blame you. What? What?

Sergeant, the computer
just matched your card

with this girl right
here... Babe Stanton.

Oh, you must be kidding.

Now wait, now
you're putting me on.

You two know one another

and you're playing
a joke on me, huh?

I'll just tear up
these two cards.

No, wait!

What are you talking about?

We never met.

Oh, Babe Stanton, Vince Carter.



Well, the computer certainly
was right about one thing...

I've always admired
military men.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yes, they're so
forceful and masculine.

I mean, I like a man
who's a real man.

Someone who can take charge.

I guess you got a point there.

Say, do you happen to
be doing anything tonight?

As a matter of fact, I'm not.


Isn't this fantastic...


I-I hate to mention this,
but that'll be ten bucks.

Oh, oh, yes.


Say, Babe, do you like tacos?


And beer?

Right out of the can.

Just like me.

Holy smokes!

But, Sarge, you went down
there to expose the whole thing.

I know, I know,
but facts is facts.

Oh, come on, Sarge.

Look, how do you
explain the fact

we had so much in common?

It was probably a coincidence.

But she liked
everything about me.

She even loves
the smell of a cigar.

Except last night
she had a slight cold

and it bothered her.

No kidding?

Yeah, and listen to this...

We stopped to get
something to eat

on the way back from
the beach, you know.

Guess what she ordered.


A cup not a bowl.

Huh? Huh?


Uh, yeah, Pyle, what is it?

Did you happen to go over
to Mr. Freddy's yesterday?

Well, as a matter
of fact, I did, Pyle.

Well, did you find out anything?

Is he fooling us?

I'm working on it,
but I've got to do

some more investigating
and see what I come up with.

Did Mr. Freddy's
machine find you a girl?

Well, yeah, Pyle,

but you can't find anything
out on just one date.

I got to see her again, so I
can wrap this whole thing up.

You mean, you're going
to go out with her again?

What about Miss Bunny?

Look, Pyle, this ain't
romantic, it's scientific.

I'm doing this for you.

As a matter of fact, you ought
to do some investigating yourself.

Me, Sergeant?

Well, yeah.

How are we ever going to be sure

whether this thing
is on the level or not

if we don't stick with it?

Now, look, here, here's
your ten bucks back.

Take that Hofsteder
dame out again.

You want me to
take her out again?

Yeah, that's right.

And this time, remember
every word she says.

Take notes.

Here, here's a pencil.

But, Sergeant, I don't
want to go out again.

Well, you think I want to?

Now, look, Pyle,
just do as I say,

and we'll have this thing
wrapped up in no time.

Good-bye, Pyle.

Look, Slater, we
got to make sure.

You want to do what, Sergeant?

I want to take that Babe
Stanton out again tonight.

She forgot to give
me her phone number.

Well, I don't know if she can.

I think she's busy tonight.

What do you mean busy?

We were both computerized.

Yeah, but she goes over
to help her poor father a lot.

He's got arthritis, poor fella.

She's got to help him
change channels on the TV.

Aw, come on, don't give me that.

Listen, you didn't give her card

to somebody else too, did you?

Why of course not.

Because you said the computer

picked me as the
perfect match for her.

And I gave you ten bucks.

That's true, Sergeant.

You're the one and only.

Okay, then call her right now.

Well, I can't call her
now, she's working.

She works for the Red Cross...

Rolling bandages.

They're expecting a hurricane.


Okay, I'll tell you what...

I'll have her meet you
here tonight, how's that?

About 8:00?

Okay, that's better.

Oh, listen... I heard.

You know I can't see
him at 8:00 tonight.

I got a date with this Gomer guy

as Ellie Hofsteder.

So cancel it.

Okay. The only thing
is, he said his sergeant

insisted that he see me tonight.

Well, you better not fool
around with that. See him.

But I've got to go
out with the sergeant.

You better not fool
around with that either.

So what do I do?

The only thing you can do...
Go out with the both of them.

Are you sure you
want to eat here?

It looks kind of fancy.

Oh, I'm sure
you'll like it, Vince.

And we can really be alone.

Dinner for two?

We have a table right over here.

Oh, I think we'd like
to sit out on the terrace.

It's very private.

And I just love the ocean.

Yes, madam, if you wish,

but it's rather
cool this evening.

We'll find a way to keep warm.

This way.




Isn't this nice?

We're the only ones out here.


I think I know the reason why.

Would you excuse
me a minute, Vince?

I have to powder my nose.

Yeah, oh, sure, go ahead.

Order me a sloe gin fizz.

I thought you
said you like beer.

Okay, beer.

Freddy, this isn't going
to work, Shh, shh, shh.

I just know it.

Now, don't get panicky;
it's working like clockwork.

Pyle just came in.

Now, you keep moving
between him and the sergeant

and keep them apart.

Freddy, I don't
know about all this.

I really don't know.

Will you go on?
He's waiting for you.

Hey, Gomer, there you are.

Have you been waiting long?

Oh, hey, Miss Ellie.
No, I just got here.

Oh, um, let's sit
over at this table

next to the wall.

All right.

Thank you.

Isn't this nice?

Would you excuse
me a minute, Gomer?

I feel like I have
the shiniest nose.

And just order me a
big orange drink, please.

Magda. Magda.


Uh... uh, darling, what
are you doing here?

Well, I've been
calling you all day.

I finally got your roommate.

She said you were
here so I came over.

But our date wasn't
till tomorrow night.

I know, but seeing as how
the computer matched us,

I thought maybe we could
get together tonight, too.

What are you
doing here? Uh, uh...

I'm meeting my aunt who is
just arriving from Budapest.

She had such a terrible
time getting through customs.

They found fruit in her luggage

and she had to be sprayed.

Well, can we have a little
drink until she gets here?

Yes, one little drink over
here would be very private.

Duke, would you
excuse me for a minute?

I have to powder my nose.

What can I order you?

Uh, schnapps, double schnapps.

Double schnapps.


Hey, I was beginning
to worry about you.

I'm sorry I took so long.

Is my schnapps here?


You said beer.

Of course, beer.

Would you excuse
me a moment, Vince?

Huh? Where you going now?

I have to powder my nose.

But you just did that.

Magda, Magda.

Excuse me, darling.
I'll be right back.

Do you have my big orange?

You ordered a schnapps.

Oh, yeah, of course, schnapps.

Excuse me, Vince.


Oh, Gomer, darling,

I'm so sorry to have
kept you waiting.

Miss Ellie, where you been?

And why are you
talking so funny?

Gomer, what are you doing here?

Magda, what's going on?


Her name's Ellie.


This is Ellie Hofsteder,

the girl I met through
Mr. Freddy's computing machine.

Well, she's the one I got
matched up with in the computer

What's going on here?

I don't know, Duke.

Pyle, Slater, what
are you doing here?

What is all this?

Sarge, I think
we've been conned.

That Freddy character
introduced me to Magda here,

and I find her here with Gomer.

Magda? Her name is Babe.

No, it's Ellie.

Sarge, we've been had.

We have really been had.

Not so fast, Freddy.

I told you it wouldn't work.

It's just a big mess.

I've never been so
embarrassed in my entire life.

I'm going back to the bakery!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Well, gentlemen, I guess we
all learned our lesson today.

Don't depend on machines.

Machines will never
replace the human mind...

the human heart.

We must put our
faith in people...

instead of machinery.

And why? Because
people can forgive...

and machines don't
know how to forgive.

And the quality of
mercy is not strained.

And we must
remember to forgive...

Shame, shame, shame.

I think I'm going to
have the sand dabs

with a little lemon
and a baked potato.

Well now, isn't that funny?

That's just exactly what I
was about to order for myself.

You see there, we've
got a lot in common.

Well, I guess we do, Gomer.

Hey, Gomer, where you
been keeping yourself?

Oh, well, uh, hey.

Lou Ann Poovie, this
is Mr. Friendly Freddy.

You know, the computer man.

How do you do?

Uh, Gomer, about the
computer business...

I wish you wouldn't
even mention it.

It was all a big mistake,
and I'd like to forget it.

If you don't mind.

Oh, all right.

You see, a couple of weeks
ago, Ellie and I got engaged.

You did? You don't say.

Unfortunately, it didn't last.

Ellie decided that her career
was more important to her

than marriage,

so she's back working
for the Red Cross.

Oh, well, they've done
some wonderful things.


Now all I have left is a
few memories and this

$5,000 diamond ring.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Why, that's just about
the most beautiful ring

I ever did see.

You really mean it? Uh-huh.

I'll let you have it for $29.95.

29 dollars and 95
cents for a $5,000 ring?

Okay, $22.50.