Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 16 - Win-A-Date - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Get that, will you? I'm busy.

Oh, sure, Sarge.

Company B, Corporal Slater.

Yeah, just a second.

Sarge, it's for you.

I'll be right there.

It's long distance
from Hollywood.

Huh? Hollywood?

Hello. Sergeant Carter here.

Oh, yes, sir.

Hi there.



Me? Really?


Well, yes, sir,
I'll be happy to.


Oh, sure, I'll be there.

Sure, I can make it.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Uh, I'll see you tomorrow.


What is it, Sarge?

Um, nothing, Slater, nothing.

Well, it... it's long
distance from Hollywood.

It's gotta be something.
What's it's all about?

Okay, okay.

You know that TV
Show, Win A Date?

You mean the show
where, if you win,

you get to go on a trip
with a beautiful chick?


They picked me
to be a contestant.

Wow, how did you swing it?

They're using three marines,

and they just
happened to pick me.

What do you mean,
"just happened to pick"?

You have to apply for it, Sarge.

Fill out a form,
answer questions.

Okay, when we were making
that movie in Hollywood,

I filled out a form.

Sarge, to get on Win A Date,

you gotta go direct to
the producer's office.

All right, so I happened

to be walking by
the producer's office,

they happened to
be using marines,

and stop asking
so many questions.

Oh, sure, Sarge, sure.

Gee, Win A Date.

Hey, what about Bunny?

You're gonna be on TV.

You can't keep it a secret.

How is she gonna
feel about you trying

to win a date with
another chick?

Don't worry about Bunny.

She's a sweet, reasonable,
understanding girl.

As soon as I figure out

what kind of snow job
to give her, I'll call her.

What's the marines got
to do with a show like that?

Look, I didn't ask for it.

I was assigned to it.

It's part of a marine
public relations program.

Well, I don't like the
idea of you going off

to some island
with a strange girl.

You never even
took me to Catalina!

Well, this is different.

I gotta go on that show.

It's orders from the top brass.

I'm still against it.

Honey, you got
nothing to worry about.

Chances are I won't win anyway.

The girl chooses
the guy on the basis

of charm and personality, so...

I just won't be
charming, that's all.

I'll fight it off.

I'll throw the whole ball game.

Vince, I'd hate to tell you
what I think you're throwing.

Now, I just want
to say one thing.

If you think that you're
gonna... Uh, excuse me, Bunny.

I gotta hang up now.

Here comes the
colonel to give me

some last-minute instructions.

Good-bye, doll.

Dames... they don't
believe a word you tell them.

Hey, Sergeant, you
wanted to see me?

Uh, yeah, Pyle.

I want you to drive me up
to Los Angeles tomorrow.

I may not be coming
back for a week,

so I need you to return
my car to the base.

Hey, Sarge, why
don't you let me do it?

Are you kidding?

The minute you're alone,

you'll be driving up
Hollywood Boulevard,

looking for dames,
taking joy rides.

The only guy I trust
with my car is Pyle.

Well, I appreciate your
faith in me, Sergeant,

but I didn't know you
was gonna take a trip.

Where you headed for?

Well, I don't know exactly yet.

Chances are, it'll be to
some romantic beautiful isle

where the palm trees sway
and the balmy breezes say...

♪ Aloha hey, aloha hey ♪

Knock it off, Slater!

I don't understand.

Sarge is gonna be a contestant

on the Win A Date show.

You are?!

Shazam, that's one
of my favorite shows.

I never dreamed
I'd know somebody

who was actually on it.

Well, it's nothing to get
that excited about, Pyle.

But it is.

It's just full of thrills
and suspense,

just to sit there and
watch that little girl

bite her lip and
wrinkle up her brow,

trying to figure out
which feller to pick.

And then, when she
just gets ready to do it,

they throw in a commercial,
and the tension even gets worse.

Sometimes, it just
gets unbearable.

Yeah, yeah.

There won't be any tension

with you on it, Sergeant.

You'll be the winner, for sure.

Your personality and
your way with words.

That girl will be
sure to pick you.

Yeah, well, I figure I
got a pretty good chance.

Anyway, we'll leave
tomorrow afternoon.

That's all, Pyle. Yes, sir.

Uh, Slater, you're
gonna be in charge

of the platoon while I'm
gone... Sergeant Carter,

I just happened to think
of something. Yeah, Pyle?

What about Miss Bunny?
What's she gonna say?

Isn't she gonna mad

about you gallivanting
off with some other girl?

Look, what is this,

"Let's all worry
about Bunny" week?

Look, Pyle, I can
take care of my girl

without any help from you.

And as a matter of fact,

Bunny wants me to
have a nice vacation.

Oh, well, isn't that
wonderful of Miss Bunny.

She's a very
understanding person.


I'm sure glad it's you

going on that
show instead of me.

I like to travel, but to go off

on a trip with some
girl I hardly know...

that'd spoil everything.

Can you believe it, huh?

Well, I'll see you, Sergeant.

Good luck.

What do you mean, good luck?

Come on in and watch me.

Well, I don't want to
be a bother to nobody.

And besides, I
don't have ticket.

Ticket? What ticket?

I'm your ticket.

Don't you want to
see your sergeant

out-answer them other guys

and walk off with the dame?

Well, I sure would, Sergeant,

if you think it'll be all right.

Sure, come on.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

Say, maybe I'll
get to see the MC,

Dick Parker, up real close.

Did you ever notice his
teeth when he smiles?

I bet you he goes to the dentist

more than twice a year.

Just wait in here, Sergeant.

Thank you, Mr. Barrett.

The other two marine contestants

ought to be here any time now.

You're the first to arrive.

Well, you know what they say.

The early bird catches the date.

Yeah, well, if, uh,
you'll excuse me,

I've got a lot of last-minute
details to take care of.

You'll be notified when
it's your turn to go on.

I'll be ready, sir.

I want to thank
you for letting me

come backstage
with you, Sergeant.

It sure has been exciting.

Hey, you know, I think
I'll get some makeup on.

It'll give me the edge
on the other guys.

Oh, you don't need
an edge, Sergeant,

not with the way
you got with words.

Like what you just
said to that producer.

"The early bird
catches the date."

I could sit for hours and hours

and never think up anything
half as clever as that.

Well, it just comes out, Pyle.

It's natural with me.

It's a gift, Sergeant.

That's what it is, it's a gift.

Yeah, well, I ain't
counting my chickens yet,

not until I see what
kind of competition I got.

You don't have
to worry, Sergeant.

You ain't got a thing in
the world to worry about it.

Golly, he must be
one of the contestants.


He's handsomer than Rock Hudson.

Okay, Pyle, okay.

In fact, he looks a little
more like Cary Grant.

Will you knock it off, Pyle?

Well, don't worry,
Sergeant, looks don't count.

The girl don't even
get to see you.

Hey, that's right.

They go by your voice.

You know, I bet he's
like most big guys,

got a high, squeaky voice.

Hi there, Sarge.

Hello, Sergeant.

Now I know.

He looks like Rock Hudson
and talks like Cary Grant.

Will you shut up, Pyle!

Well, don't worry
about it, Sergeant.

It's the clever
answers that count,

and that's where
you really shine.

Oh, Sergeant Cramer,
you're here, good.

At least we've got
two contestants.

That's something.
Anything wrong, sir?

I just got a phone call.

We go on the air
in three minutes,

and our third marine isn't
gonna be able to make it.

Well, what do we do?

You ain't gonna cancel,
are you? Cancel?!

We've got advance
publicity on this thing, I can't...

Wait a minute.

Hey, hey, your friend here,
he can be our third contestant.

Um, I couldn't.

I-I just couldn't.

Why not? There's nothing to it.

Well, well, I wouldn't
know what to say.

Oh, it's just a
matter of answering

a few simple
questions, that's all.

Just be yourself, simple.

Well, thank you, sir,

but I'm afraid I'd
get too flustered,

especially talking
to a girl I never met.

Uh, take it, Pyle, take it.

But, Sergeant... Excuse us, sir.

Look, Pyle, this
is a marine project,

and I don't want you to
foul it up... now, take it.

But, Sergeant, I
don't... I said take it now!

Yes, sir.

It's okay, Mr. Barrett.

Ha, ha! Great!

Just stand by, all of
you, it's almost airtime.

Well, I sure hope I don't
make a fool of myself,

Sergeant, but I know
I hadn't got a chance

in the world of winning.


Oh, hi, Lou-Ann,
what a nice surprise.

Well, since Gomer
drove Sergeant Carter

up to Los Angeles,
I was all alone,

so I just thought I'd come over

and watch the show with you.

Come on in.

I'm not so sure I'm gonna
watch the show, though.

You're not?

Well, the nerve of that guy,

trying to win a date
with some beautiful girl

and going off with her
on a trip somewhere.

Oh, well, it's nothing
to worry about.

Why, it's just a way
to win a free vacation.

And besides, they're
gonna have a chaperone.

And if I know, Vince, he'll try

to make a pass at her, too.

Oh, now, he's not that bad.

You don't know him like I do.

You should have heard
that cock-and-bull story

about being ordered
to go on the show.

"Marine public relations."

He must think I'm
some kind of fool.

Well, I still feel that you
should be more understanding.

I mean, a man needs a
little bit of room sometimes.

If he wants to go off
without you once in a while,

why, you just gotta
be broad-minded

about it and let him.

Well, I guess you're right.

Oh, but it does burn
me up sometimes.

Oh, my goodness,

the show is on
right this minute.

Do you mind if I turn
on the television?

Okay, let's watch
the Wolf Man at work.

And now, to play Win A Date,

the lovely young
starlet who can be seen

in the delightful
Marathon production,

Very Cold for Spring,

costarring Hamilton
Jones and Phyllis Lafferty,

now playing at theaters
and drive-ins near you...

in full color... Miss
Wendy Sparks!

Welcome to Win A Date, Wendy.

It's nice to have you with us.

Thank you, and it's just
wonderful being here.

You know, I watch
the show all the time,

and now here I
am, actually on it.

And it's wonderful having you.

Well, shall we play
Win A Date? Yes, let's.

All right, just be seated.

Tonight, Wendy, we
have three stalwart marines

who'll be competing for the
pleasure of your company.

Of course, you can't see them,

but now we'll show them
to our studio audience

and to our viewers at home.

And here's marine number one.

Marine number two.

Why, he comes over real
handsome on television.

Yeah, it's the first time

I've seen a rat
fink in living color.

And finally, marine
number three.

How about that.

Why, he didn't tell me

that he was gonna
be on the show.

Well, how could
he do this to me?

Well, relax, honey,

you've got to be
broad-minded about it.

All right, Miss Sparks,

will you start with
the questions?

Marine number one...

if we went out on
a first date together,

would you try and
kiss me good night?

Why not?

What better way
to get to know me?

Marine number two, would
you try to kiss me good night?

Certainly not.

At all times, I'm a
marine and a gentleman,

and I have too much
respect for the opposite sex

to ever get fresh.

Not getting fresh
on a first date.

Why, the first time
he took me out,

I thought he was an octopus.

Marine number
three, what about you?

Well, if it was our first date,

I sure wouldn't try to
kiss you good night,

but I would see you
to the door and tell you

what a nice time I had
and shake your hand.

Marine number two...

what would you do if we were
marooned on a desert island?

Well, I'm a marine
and a gentleman,

so I certainly wouldn't
take advantage

of the situation.

I would keep my distance,

and at no time would
I ever try to get fresh.

I'd like to be marooned on
a desert island with Vince.

I'd hide his suntan lotion.

Marine number one?

The first thing I'd
do is sink the life raft.

Then I'd just let
nature take its course.

Marine number three?

Well... first of all,

I'd gather some brush
and start a smoke fire

to maybe signal some
passing ship or airplane.

In the meantime, though,

I'd scrounge around
the island for some food.

Now, water is always
a problem on an island,

so I'd probably go inland
and look for a creek.

Now, shelter's a problem, too,

but there'd probably
be trees on the island,

enough to build two nice huts.

The main thing is just to
survive until rescue comes.


Marine number three,

if I picked you and we
went on this trip together,

would you mind one night if
I went out with another man?

Well, how could I?

Not being officially
engaged to you,

I've got no right
to stand in the way

of you enjoying yourself.

Besides, I could keep real busy

just writing
postcards back home.

Marine number one,

how would you feel if I wanted
to go out with another man?

Honey, one afternoon with me

and that thought would
never enter your mind.

Marine number two?

Uh, well, I'm not only a
marine and a gentleman,

I'm also the fair-minded type,
so I don't think I would mind,

uh, provided the
guy you go out with

doesn't try to get fresh.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that concludes our questioning,

and now let's see if Wendy
has made her decision.

You know something?

If it was me, I wouldn't
pick any of 'em.

Well, I think Gomer
was the cutest,

but I'm still furious with
him for going on that show.

After giving it a lot of
thought, I made my choice.

And because I felt he
was the most sincere,

I chose marine number three.

But honest, Sergeant,
I wasn't trying to win.

I just said what
come to my mind.

Give me the keys
to the car, Pyle.

I really thought
you was gonna win.

You was a perfect gentleman
and said all the right things.

Give me the keys, Pyle.

I didn't even want
to go on the show.

You ordered me to.

The keys, the keys.

Well, yes, sir.

Good-bye, Pyle.

But, Sergeant, how am I
gonna get back to the base?

You won yourself a
trip all the way to Hawaii.

You ought to be able
to figure out a way

to get back to the base.

But, Sergeant...
Aloha, Pyle, aloha.


Ah, you were beautiful,
Pyle, great answers.

We'll be contacting you tomorrow

to fill you in on the
details of the trip.


Oh, Mr. Barrett, uh... Yeah?

I don't want to go.

You what?

Well, I just can't go.

Oh, you mean
you can't get leave.

Don't worry, we'll get in touch
with your commanding officer

and make some arrangements.

Oh, it's not that, sir.

It's just that I've
got this steady girl...

Lou-Ann Poovie's her name...

And, well, it just
wouldn't be fair to her

for me to go off with
some girl I hardly know.

You've got to go.

You've won.

Look, we've sent out a
lot of advance publicity

about Wendy going on
this trip with a marine.

Well, couldn't you get some
other marine to go with her?

'Cause I've got a
real good suggestion.

Sergeant Carter?

Yeah, 'cause he was really
looking forward to this trip,

and I know it'd make him
real happy if you'd let him go,

that is if it ain't
breaking any rules.

How could it? This has
never happened before.

Besides, this is my show.

I guess I can make
up my own rules.

Oh, well, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

And you won't be
sorry, Mr. Barrett,

'cause Sergeant Carter
is a credit to the Corps

and a perfect gentleman.

I know, he never gets fresh.


tell your sergeant we'll be
contacting him tomorrow.

I surely will, and he won't
have the same problem as me

'cause he already talked it
over with his girl, Miss Bunny,

and she said it'd be
perfectly all right with her.

Well, all I can
tell you is, Vince,

that it's a good
thing you didn't win...

'cause if you'd gone off

with that Wendy what's-her-name,

you would have
seen the last of me.

Honey, that's why
I didn't try to win.

What do you mean
you didn't try to win?

Couldn't you tell?

I threw the whole thing,
just like I said I would.

You did? Well, sure.

I knew you were going to
be upset, so I said to myself,

"Vince, you can't
do a thing like that

"to a sweet kid like Bunny.

"They can order you
to go on the show,

but they can't make you win."

That's what you
said to yourself, huh?

Those were my
exact words to myself.

Well, maybe you
did try to throw it.

Had to be some reason for coming
up with all those dumb answers.


All right, I believe you,

and you were a doll to do it.

How about a cold beer?


Coming right up.

How about some of them pretzels?

You got 'em.

Will you get that, please?

Hmm? Okay.


Sergeant Carter?

I'm glad you're there.

This is Gomer.

What do you want, Pyle?

I couldn't find you on the base,

so I figured you might
be over at Miss Bunny's.

I got good news for you.

You're quitting the marines.

Oh, no, sir.

You know that trip to
Hawaii you wanted so much?

Well, you're gonna
get to go on it.


Is this some kind of gag, Pyle?

Oh, no. You see, I didn't
want to go on the trip

and make Lou-Ann unhappy,

and since you already
had Miss Bunny's approval,

I just told Mr. Barrett I
wanted you go to in my place

and he agreed.

Well... what do you know?

That sounds very
interesting, Pyle.

Well, he's gonna
call you tomorrow

and give you all the details.

Uh, yeah, yeah,
well, thanks for calling.


Who was it?

It was for me. Oh.

Boy... you just can't
tell in the marines.

You never can tell.


That call was to
put me on alert.

They're sending me
off on a secret mission.

Secret mission?

What kind of secret mission?

Well, Bunny, I can't very
well tell you if it's a secret.

It's top, top
security... top, top.

Uh-huh, and, uh, when
are you going to be leaving?

Well, I don't know yet,

but they'll be
contacting me tomorrow.

I'll probably get a call
from the Pentagon.

Pentagon, huh?


Well... I'd better
shove off, honey,

so I can get a
good night's sleep.

There are going to be
a lot of briefing sessions,

map reading, stuff like that.

Mind if I take a rain check
on the beer and the pretzels?

I'll call you.

If I get back safely.

C'est la guerre, huh?

Who, who is it?

It's me... Gomer.

Gomer who?

I've got to talk
to you, Lou-Ann.

You haven't been
answering your phone.

Well, I'm surprised that
you have time to talk.

I thought you'd be so busy
packing for your trip to Hawaii

with that darling
little starlet.

That's what I've got
to talk to you about.

I ain't going.

You're not?

Hey, Lou-Ann. Hey, Gomer.

Listen, the only reason
I went on that program

was because they were
short one contestant.


Uh-huh, and when I won,

I just went over and told that
producer I didn't want to go.

You're my girl, Lou-Ann,

and I just couldn't
go with anybody else.

Oh, Gomer.

But, oh, if you're not going,

then what about
that nice starlet?

Then she won't get to go either.

Oh, well, that's the best part.

She will get to go

because they let me
pick Sergeant Carter

to take my place.

Sergeant Carter?

But, well, what about Bunny?

What's she going to say?

She don't mind; Sergeant
Carter said she was all for it.

She wanted him to
have a nice vacation.

Oh, Gomer, I don't know
how you got that information,

but it doesn't
happen to be true.

Well... Bunny and I watched
the show together tonight

and she was very upset.

Well, she was real glad
when Sergeant Carter lost.

She was?

Well, yes,

and now when she finds
out this latest development,

I just don't know
what she's going to do.


Well, I sure have fouled
things up, hadn't I?

Hello there, Mr. Barrett.


Uh, yes, sir, I was
expecting the call,

so just fill me in on all
the travel plans and I...


I'm not going?

But Pyle just told me... What?



Pyle called the producer
and canceled my trip.

You mean you're not going?


What are you going to do, Sarge?

Before or after I kill Pyle?

So you see, Miss
Bunny, it was all my fault.

I didn't know your real feelings

about Sergeant
Carter going to Hawaii

and neither did the
sergeant, I guess.

Then it was you
who called him here

to tell him you arranged
for him to take that trip?

That's right, as soon as
I found out my mistake,

I called up Mr. Barrett, and now
the sergeant don't have to go.

That's very interesting, Gomer.

I'm beginning to understand
a lot of things about Vince

that I didn't understand before.

Thank you for straightening
everything out, Gomer.

Well, you're welcome, I'm sure.

Hi, Bun.

Why, Vince, what a surprise.

Well, I thought you'd be off
on your secret mission by now.

Uh, yeah, uh, well, that's
what I came to see you about.

The mission was called off.

I just got the word
from the Pentagon.

Oh? Well, how nice.

Yeah, so I figure we
could do something.

Sure, and I know exactly what.


Bunny! She doesn't
live here anymore.



Company B, Corporal Slater.

Hold on.

Sarge, Bunny's at the main gate.


Oh, yeah, tell them
to send her on down.

Okay, send her in.

You two talking again?

Ah, just barely.

She's bringing some toys over
for the Toys For Kids program.

Go out and give
her a hand, will you?


Sergeant Carter.

What do you want, Pyle?

I'm busy.

Sergeant, you'll never
guess what I got in the mail

all the way from
Honolulu, Hawaii.

You're right, I won't guess.

Good-bye, Pyle.

It's Wendy Sparks.

You remember, from Win A Date.


Let me see that.

"To my favorite marine.

"Till we meet again.

"Wish you were here.

Wendy Sparks."

Ain't that the sweetest thing,

I mean, for her to take the
time out to send me that?



Hmm? Oh. Hey, Miss Bunny.

Here, let me help
you. Thanks, Gomer.

There's some more
out in the trunk.

I'll get them.

Hey, what's this?

"To my favorite marine.

"Till we meet again.

"Wish you were here.

Wendy Sparks"?

Huh? Let me see that.

Uh, that's Pyle's.

On your desk?

Oh, sure, Vince.

Wait, Bunny!


Bunny! Pyle!