Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 15 - A Tattoo for Gomer - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Sergeant Carter?

Hey, Sergeant.

What is it, Pyle?

I just brought your chair
back from the carpenter shop.


Golly, that sure
looks heavy, Sergeant.

Is it heavy?

Hundred pounds.


That sure is heavy, Sergeant.

Yeah, heavy.

Bye, Pyle.

How come you're making
that noise, Sergeant?

I ain't making noise.

I'm sucking wind.

All the pros do it.

It's part of the routine.

Bye, Pyle.

Reason I ask was, my aunt
Maude used to sound like that

when she was having
one of her virus attacks.

She couldn't get her
breath for nearly a week.

One time she had an attack
while when she was knitting.

She almost inhaled an afghan.

I ain't having no attack, Pyle.

Now get out of here
so I can do my curls!

You're putting me on, Sergeant.


No, dummy, not hair curls!

Muscle curls!

For my biceps! See?


Yeah. Well, that ain't all.

See them pecs and them lats?

That's all from
lifting weights, Pyle.

Well, I sure never
noticed that before.

Yeah, well, I never
like to talk about it.

I mean, when you're
built as good as I am.

Oh, I didn't mean
that, Sergeant.

I meant the tattoo.



Yeah, I picked that
little baby up in Korea.

It sure is attractive.

Yeah, well, Kim Kwon did it.

Maybe you heard of him.

No, I don't think I ever did.

He's the best tattoo
artist in Seoul, Korea.

He's the guy that tattooed
the entire Seventh Fleet

on a sailor's back.

It was in all the papers.

Well, I must have missed it.

'Course the Mayberry papers

never did carry
much tattoo news.

Golly, would you look at that!

Yeah, that always gets them.

That's how I got Bunny.

It is?!


I was walking along
the beach one day,

and I see this girl
that want to meet,

but she's talking to
a bunch of people.

So I just kind of
slowly walk by,

and I, uh, wiggle my
semper fidelis at her.


She follows me like
I was the Pied Piper.

And that was Miss Bunny? Yeah.

Couldn't take her
eyes off my arm.

She really liked
your tattoo, huh?

Crazy about it.

I don't think Lou-Ann
would like 'em.

At least not on
me, she wouldn't.

Are you kidding?

Girls love 'em.

Do tell. Yeah.

There's an animal
magnetism about tattoos.

Women can't resist them.

I don't think I ever
knew that. Yeah, well,

there are a lot of things you
probably don't know, Pyle.

For instance... I'll
bet you didn't know

that I'd like to be left alone

so I can finish my exercises.

No, sir, I didn't know that.

Well, you do now.

Good-bye, Pyle.

Bye, Sergeant.

Hey, Duke.

Hey, Gome. Where's the Sarge?

Oh, he's back there
doing his exercises.

Ever since he's
been on that kick,

I've been hearing the
clang of barbells in my sleep.

That and the...

It's like living with
a vacuum cleaner.

Hey, Duke, did you know
the sergeant's got a tattoo?

Yeah. Why?

Well, I just think it's
kind of interesting is all.

Sergeant says that's
how he met Miss Bunny.

At a tattoo parlor?

No, on the beach.

Miss Bunny saw his
tattoo, and she followed him.

Did you ever think about
doing anything like that?

No, but then I'm not that
attracted to hairy arms.

No, I meant get a tattoo.

Did you ever consider it?

Who, me? Nah.

I got enough going
for me already.

I guess it's fine for some guys,

but I figure putting a tattoo

on a beautiful body like this

would be like drawing a
mustache on the Mona Lisa.

Sergeant Carter says
girls just love them.

Well, he's right, I guess.

Some girls go crazy over them.

Bunny did.

I wonder if Lou-Ann
would like one.

Why don't you ask her?

Well, Lou-Ann and
I don't usually talk

about such personal
things as tattoos.

I don't think she'd
like it, though.

She's so refined and all.

Don't let that fool you.

The refined ones are the chicks

that usually go for them.

Maybe you're right;
Sergeant Carter did say

that Miss Bunny likes his,

and Lou-Ann likes Miss Bunny,

even though Miss
Bunny likes a lot of things

Lou-Ann don't like, even
though she likes Miss Bunny.

I don't think
Lou-Ann would like it.

Well, maybe. Then
again maybe not.

The only way you're
really gonna know is

to get tattooed.

Duke, I just thought
of a mean joke.

You thought of a mean joke?

Wouldn't it would
be kind of funny

if you draw a picture on my arm,

and then I showed it to Lou-Ann

and she screamed
and said she hated it,

and then I washed it all
off and said it was a joke.

Wouldn't that be kind of funny?

Hey, that would be funny.

Lou-Ann said the first
thing that attracted her to me

was my sense of humor.

We can use these
marking pencils.

It'll look terrific, Gomer!

What kind of a picture
do you think you'd draw?

I don't know.

Something nobody else has.

Hey, how about a truck?

I do great trucks.

Well, I was thinking of
something more military.

A jeep?

Well, no.

Something more like
what Sergeant Carter has.

A Marine emblem or an eagle.

No, I don't do birds.

It's gotta be something simple.

Something I know about.

I got an idea.

I'll need a little inspiration.

Uh-uh! No peeking.

The idea is to surprise
Lou-Ann, right?

Play a little joke on her?

Well, that was the idea.

Okay, you just leave it to me.

This is gonna surprise you, too.


Okay, take off your shirt.


In all modesty, Gomer,

I gotta say it looks great.

Well, I can't really see it.

Wait a second.

Take a look.

Is that what I think it is?!

What do you think it is?

Well, it's a girl!

Her feet are a little big,

but other than that,
she looks terrific!

But a girl, Duke!

I don't think that's
such a good idea.

Well, you want to
play a joke on Lou-Ann,

don't you? Well, yeah.

So what's the best
thing to put on your arm

for a joke? A girl.

I mean, look, if you put
on a-a Marine emblem

or a flag, Lou-Ann
might think that's okay,

you know, like part
of being a serviceman.

But a girl... She's
gotta hate a girl.

Well, I guess you're right.

And what does that
say on there, Duke?

Mother and Lou-Ann?

Yeah. The tattoo
stands for womanhood,

so I put on the names of
the two women in your life,

your mother and Lou-Ann.

Golly, Duke.

Ain't you the sentimental one.

No, I just got a
great sense of humor,

and for you sake, I
hope Lou-Ann does, too.

Oh, she does, Duke.

And as soon as I wash this off,

we're gonna have something
to laugh about for years.

Want to laugh even
harder, Gomer?


All right, now make a
fist, and then relax it.

And do it a couple times.



Duke, that's terrible.

But it's funny.

You know the part of the
picture that I especially liked,

was when the crook found out

that his girlfriend
was a police lady.

Oh, that was good.

But I already knew
she was a police lady.

Now how could you
have known that?

The crook didn't even know it

and it was his girlfriend.

Well, I figured it out
in the scene before,

when I saw that gun
strapped to her leg.


Well, you know what I thought?

I thought

that the gun meant
that she was a crook.

Well, I don't know what it was,

but when I saw that
gun strapped to her leg,

I said to myself,

"Gomer Pyle, you're
looking at a police lady."

Well, I sure wish
you'd let me in on it.

Well, I didn't mean to
spoil the ending for you.

Gomer, now why are
you grinning like that?

Well, it's just that
I got a surprise.

For me? Uh-huh.

You want to see it?
Well, of course I do.

Well for me to surprise you,

I have to take off my shirt.

Is that all right?
Well, I guess so.

I can't imagine what
kind of surprise it would be

to make you take your shirt off.

Well, you just wait and see.

Fact is, why don't
you just turn around

until I'm ready,
then I'll let you know.

Okay? Oh, Gomer.


Well, what do you think?

Oh, it-it's a tattoo.

Well, how do you like it?

Well... it's very colorful.

You mean you like it?

It-It's nice.

Uh, yes, Gomer, it's nice,

and it's got writing on it.

Uh... Uh-huh.

It's got Mother on the top

and Lou-Ann on the bottom.


Well, um, I'm proud

to hold such a
place in your heart

and on your arm.

You-you know how I
feel about you, Lou-Ann,

and, well, I just thought...

Well, I thought
I'd show it to you.

Well, um... Gomer,
it is getting late.

Well... thank you
very much, Lou-Ann,

for the evening.

Well, thank you, Gomer,
for the evening, uh,

and for the tattoo.

But it was just supposed
to be a little joke!

You should've told
her it was a joke.

Well, I just couldn't, Duke.

She was so touched that I

put her name on my
arm next to my mother's,

she almost cried.

Well, how do you feel about it?

Well, it's beginning
to itch a little bit.

Frankly, I prefer
my plain old skin.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I don't see that
I have much choice.

You know, Duke, you was right.

The more refined girls
really do like tattoos.


Well, if it's motherhood and
Lou-Ann's name on my arm

that's gonna make
my best girl happy...


I guess I'll just have to
make this drawing of yours

into a real tattoo.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

What is it, Pyle?

Well, you remember yesterday

when you was lifting
weights and we was talking?


Well, I've got this problem.

Oh, you finally decided

you wanted to do something
about that body, huh?

Well, where do you
want to start first?

The pecs? The lats? The biceps?

You need work
on all of them, Pyle.

Lot's of it. Well,
maybe, Sergeant,

but what I wanted to talk
to you about was tattoos.

What about them?

Well, I was just wondering

if you could tell me a
good place to get one.

You want one?

Well, I don't really want one

but it looks like I'm
gonna have to get one.

This is America, Pyle.

Nobody has to get a tattoo.

Well, you see, I was
playing this little joke

on Lou-Ann...

You already got a tattoo!

Well, no, Duke
just drew this on me

with a marking pen.

It was supposed to be
a little joke on Lou-Ann,

only she really liked it,

and, well, looks like now

I'm gonna have to
make into a real tattoo.

And now you think

that all you gotta do
is just go down there

and that's all there is to it?

Yes, sir.


Sit down, Pyle.

So you want to
get a tattoo, huh?

Well, I don't really
want to get one.

Getting a tattoo
ain't all that simple.

There's a lot of
things to consider.

There are? That's right, Pyle.

Getting a tattoo is another step

toward becoming a man.

There are a lot
of steps, Pyle...

Steps of life:

birth, Little League,
Marines, marriage...

But getting a tattoo...

that's special, Pyle.

I'll bet you didn't
know that, did you?

No, sir.

It's a club, Pyle.

A big one like the Elks

or the Moose, only it's bigger.

It's "The Club of Manhood".

Welcome, Pyle.

Welcome to the Club of Manhood.

Golly, Sergeant!

I never did think
of it like that before.

Of course not.

That's why I'm
telling you all this.

And there's something else
you got to think about, Pyle.

Once you get a
tattoo, it's always there.

Oh, I've thought
about that, Sergeant.

It's a big decision, Pyle.

You're getting something put
on your body that's permanent.

How do you know you
won't be sorry later on?

Well, how do I know I won't
be sorry later on, Sergeant?

You don't.

But I'll tell you something.

I'm glad I got mine.

My tattoo turned
out to be my friend.

All them times

that I thought I was alone...

I was never really alone.

You wasn't?

No, because I
had my tattoo, Pyle.

Something that was all mine.

Something that nobody
could ever take away from me.

I guess you're right, Sergeant.

Tattoos can be good things.

I guess it just seems
that the only people

I ever knew with tattoos was
the two guys from the carnival

who used to beat up
Truman Gelson every year.

That is, until

I found out about
yours, Sergeant,

and, well, if it's
good enough for you,

it's good enough for me.

Okay, now, Pyle, you
let me do the talking.

I speak the language.

I'll get you a good price.

Can I help you fellas?

Yeah. The kid here is
thinking about a tattoo.

What'd you have in mind?

Well, I kind of
thought that I...

Pyle. What the kid wants...

Hold it. Don't tell me.

Marines, right?

How about an eagle?

Marines are definitely eagles.

Well, that wasn't
exactly what I...

Will you let me handle this?

Wait a minute. I got it.

How about skulls?

The kid don't want no skulls.

It don't matter
what the kid wants.

It's what fits him.

He's skulls, there's
no question about it.

Look, take your pick.

I got plain skulls,
skulls with crossbones,

skulls with snakes,
skulls with daggers.

I even got skulls
with other skulls.

Well, you see, the fact is...

Pyle, I said I
would handle this.

Say, pal... you see that?


You know who that is?


Kim Kwon, Seoul, Korea, '51.

Max Persky, Bayonne,
New Jersey, '27. So what?

Well, I just want you to know

that you ain't fooling
with a couple of amateurs.

The kid don't want no skulls.

Okay. So, you don't
want military, huh?

If he don't want military,
then he must want love.

It's got to be love, right?

Well, yes, sir.

Take off your shirt, Pyle.

Sure. If they don't want

skulls, it's got to be love.

Okay, I got a great
new love tattoo.

Two snakes kissing.

Well... MAX: And the snakes'

tails curl around and
spell out your girl's name.

Hmm? How does that sound?

Well, I already
know what I want.

Show the man, Pyle.

That's what the kid wants.

Well, he's already
got a love tattoo.

Why do you want another one?

Well, you see, this
is just a drawing.

It ain't a real tattoo.

And what I thought is,
you could go over it and...

well, make it permanent.

Nothing to it. Why didn't
you say so? 20 bucks.

20 bucks?!

What are you, nuts?!

This one only cost me five!


I told you... Korea.

Fine. Take the kid to Korea.

You'll save 15 bucks.

We'll give you ten.

You'll give me 30.

You just said 20!

Fine. It's a deal.

Well, what about it?

Well, golly, I don't know.

Here, look through the book.

Maybe you'll find something
you like even better.

On page four, there's
a heart with arrows.

There's Indians, feathers.

What's with you, Pyle?

The man made you a good price.

What are you waiting for?

Well, golly, Sergeant,

I got to thinking
about what you said

about how a tattoo
is permanent and all,

and, well, I think
I'd just better check

with Lou-Ann to make sure.

Well, you said she's
already seen this one,

and you said she
was crazy about it.

But she didn't know
it was just a drawing.

Maybe, if she had a choice,

she'd choose
something different.

How do I know she wouldn't
like two snakes kissing?

Okay. Do what you want.

I got you down here.

Now you're on your own.

I can't wait around
here all day.

Oh. Well, hi, Gomer.

This is a surprise.

Well, it's kind of a
surprise to me, too,

but, well, I was just
in the neighborhood.

Well, come on in.

Don't you want to
sit down for a minute?

Well, no, thank you.

Uh, you see, I just wanted
to ask you a question.

Oh, well, what?

Well, uh, it's, it's
about my tattoo.


Well, what about it?

Well, you was saying yesterday
how much you liked it and all,

and, well, I just wanted
to check and make sure.

Oh, yes, Gomer,
I definitely did say

that I liked it.

You're not just saying that?

Oh, no.

Oh, well, see, the
reason I was asking,

I got to thinking
about it, and I thought

maybe I owed you an apology.

After all, I didn't
even ask you,

and, well, maybe if
I'd have asked you,

you'd like some other
kind of tattoo better.

Oh, Gomer, if I'd had
to pick out a tattoo,

I wouldn't have
chosen any different

than the one that you did.

I kind of thought that,

and it sets my mind to
rest to hear you say it.

Well, I'll see you
later, Lou-Ann.

Well, nice to have seen you.

Thank you for coming by.

Bye. Bye.


Pyle get back?

I thought he was with you.

He was.

I took him down
to the tattoo parlor,

everything was all set,
and then at the last minute,

he decided he had to
check it out with Lou-Ann.

He's on his own now.

Well, Sarge, somebody should
be with him when he has it done.

This is a big thing for him.

You're welcome to the job.

You can probably
get him at Lou-Ann's.

Okay, Sarge.


Hello, Lou-Ann, this is
Duke Slater. Is Gomer there?

- Oh, no, Duke. He...
- He just left.


It sounds like she's crying.

Wouldn't you cry if you
were going with Pyle?

Lou-Ann, what's wrong?

Why, nothing.

Nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?

Well, it sounds
like you're crying.

I'm not crying.

Okay, you're not crying.

Blow your nose and
tell me what's wrong.

Did you have anything to do

with that terrible
tattoo that Gomer got?

Well, don't you like it?

I hate it!

And it's such an ugly picture.

It looks like a
four-year old child did it.

Well, is that why
you don't like it?

No, no. I just hate tattoos.

Oh, Duke, it's just so awful,

but please promise
me you won't tell Gomer,

because he just loves it.

No, he doesn't, Lou-Ann.

He doesn't?

No. That's not a real
tattoo. It's just a drawing.

You see, it was
supposed to be a joke,

but when Gomer
thought you liked it,

he went ahead and...

He's going to have it
made into a real one.

You mean that he
hasn't had it made yet?

Not yet, but he's
probably on his way

to have it done right now.

Oh, Duke, well,
I've got to stop him.

Where did he go?

Which tattoo parlor, Sarge?

Some joint on Pier Street.

I don't remember the name.

It's on Pier Street, Lou-Ann,

but we don't know
the name of it.

Well, I'll find it.

And thank you, Duke. Good-bye.

Pier Street.

Stop it!

Gomer, stop it!

Lou-Ann, what
are you doing here?

Oh, I'm too late!

What can I do for you, lady?

I want you to stop

what you're doing
right this minute.

You from the
Board of Health? No.

You his sister? No.

You want a tattoo?

Well, certainly not!

Then will you
please get out of here

and let me concentrate?

Gomer, please don't do it.

Lou-Ann, you mean,
you don't like my tattoo?

I hate it!

You never liked it?

I've always hated it.

But you said you liked it.

Well, I said I liked it
because I thought you liked it.

Well, why would
you think I liked it?

Well, Gomer,

when somebody has
something put on their arm

permanently for all time,

it's a natural
assumption to assume

that they like it.

But I assumed
you wouldn't like it

and would tell me so.

Why would you assume that?

Look, lady, I get paid by
the job, not by the hour,

so will you please get out
of here and let me finish?

Don't you dare
touch his arm again!

I hate tattoos!

Listen, you're not even
supposed to be in here,

so don't insult my art!

And I thought you liked it.

Well, I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

Well, I didn't
want to hurt yours.

But I didn't want
to hurt yours, either.

But I didn't want
to hurt yours first.

All right! All right! I'll stop.

But-but I'm too late.

Your arm is
already... disfigured.

Oh, relax, lady.

We was just getting started.


See? It comes right off.

Why, there are
just two little marks.


I'm a great detail man.

Always start with
the little things.

In this case,
two little nostrils.

Oh, Gomer, I'm just so happy

that I got here in time.

Well, so am I.

Yeah. We're all thrilled.

Uh... Uh, uh, buddy,
uh... Oh, I'm sorry.

With all the excitement
and everything,

I almost forgot to pay you.

I'll tell you what.

I only done the nostrils.

I'll just charge you a buck.

Uh, a buck a nostril.

That's two bucks.

Yeah. Oh, wait a minute.

You're nice kids.


The nostrils are free.

Oh, well, thank you, sir.

Are you sure this is not
gonna bother you now?

The nostrils, I mean.

Oh, no, Gomer,
they won't bother me

if they don't bother you.

Well, the only reason

they'd bother me is
if they bothered you.

Well, they would bother
me if they did bother you.

But they would never bother me

if they didn't bother you.


Hey, Lou-Ann.

Gomer Pyle, now what is that?

It's my mustache.

Oh, now, it can't
be your mustache.

Last time I saw you,
you didn't have one.

Well, I saw you
last on Saturday,

and here it is Friday already.

That's plenty of time
to grow a mustache.

Hair doesn't grow that fast.

Well, hair just grows faster

on some people
than it does on others.

I once knew a fella
whose hair grew so fast,

the barber couldn't
keep up with him.

Now, Gomer Pyle, I want
you to tell me the truth.

Is that or is that
not your mustache?

I swear by the
halls of Montezuma

that it is my mustache.


I got a receipt right here

from the Quick-Hand
Magic and Novelty Shop

made out to Gomer Pyle.

One mustache.


See, I told you the truth.

It was my mustache.

I was just having a little joke.

Oh, Gomer.

Well, now, you'd
just better take it off,

because we're
supposed to be at dinner

in just a little while.


I must have put
too much glue on it.