Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 14 - Two on the Bench - full transcript

Sergeant Carter has trouble finding a ticket for a big football game but Gomer gets them bench passes from a player on the team that Gomer knew from Mayberry.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Well, for goodness' sake!

Wait a minute, Joey.

What's the matter?

Well, there's a picture there
of somebody I think I know.


Moose Lewis. You know him?

Well, yeah. What's his
picture doing in the paper?

You gotta be kidding.

Moose Lewis is a fullback
for the Boston Bulldogs.

They're playing the Kings
here Sunday for the division title.

You know Moose?

Well, yeah, but I never
did call him Moose.

His name was Ellery.

But I'm sure that's him.

Let me take a closer look.

Hey, Eddy, come here.

What's up? Well, Gomer just said

he's a personal
friend of Moose Lewis.

Of the Boston Bulldogs?

Well, yeah, but, if
this is the same fella,

and I'm almost positive it is,

he worked with me a summer

at the filling station
back home in Mayberry.

Fact is, he once knitted
me a pair of socks.

Moose Lewis knitted
you a pair of socks?

Well, he was kind
of a nervous feller.

He liked to keep his hands
busy, so he took up knitting.

And there wasn't nobody
else to knit for, so he decided...

Gomer, if he knitted
you a pair of socks,

it's got to be a
different Lewis.

Well, you may be right.

Sure looks like him though.

Listen, Ziggy, you
must have something.

All I need is one ticket.

Yeah? Good, I'll
take it. Where is it?

Ten-yard line? How high up?

What? If the weather's
lousy, I'll be sitting in a cloud!

Okay, okay, I won't
quibble. How much?

15 bucks?! For a
five dollar ticket?

You must be out of your head!

No. Forget it.

I was willing to pay
something extra,

but that's way out of line.

Nah. Forget it, forget it.

I'll go somewhere else.

No! Forget it!

How do you like that?

15 bucks for a
five dollar ticket!

Boy, they really know how
to put the screws to you.

Well, it is sold out,
Sarge, and there's no TV.

Yeah, yeah, but
there are tickets.

It's just a question of
how much you want to pay.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know a guy.

Uh... uh, Cummings, Cummings.

Uh, Jimmy Cummings.

I got tickets from
him once before.

Where's the phone book?

Ah, here it is.

Let's see now...
Cummings, Cummings.

Get that, will you?

Company B.

Uh, who?

Uh, just a second, sir.

It's a guy who
wants to talk to Pyle.

Hang up.

There are no personal
calls in this office.

I'm sorry, sir, but there's
no personal calls...


He says he's from out of town.

Uh, just a second, sir.

Hey, Gomer.

There's a telephone
call for you.

Cudahy, Culpepper, Cullum.

Phone call for me? Who is it?

Some guy from out of town.

Golly sakes, I wonder
who in the world it could be.

Hurry it up, Pyle, I
want to use that phone.

Oh, hello, Gomer Pyle speaking.

Hey, Gome, you know who this is?

Well, the voice is familiar.
Ah, yeah, here it is.

It's Ellery, Ellery Lewis.

Well, for goodness
gracious sakes.

What in the world
are you doing in town?

You are? Then, that was you.

I thought I recognized you.

Get off, Pyle, I
want to make a call.

Hey, Ellery, you know them
socks you knitted for me?

I wore them for
almost two years.

Well, of course not every day.

Hurry it up, Pyle, I got
important business here.

Listen, Gome, I'm only gonna
be in town till Sunday night,

but I sure would
like to see you.

How about you coming out to
the game Sunday and see us play?

Pyle, I'm giving you just
three seconds to hang up.

Well, let's just say
that I'll try to be there

if I can, and if I
don't have the duty.

By the way, where
you staying at, Ellery?


Give me that!

Sergeant Carter here.

Uh, for your information,

this is the U.S. Marines
and not a social club,

and this happens to
be a business phone,

so I am hanging up.

Yes, that's right,
that's the way it is!

But, Sergeant...
Get out of here, Pyle.

Get back to what you're
supposed to be doing.

But, Sergeant, I
hadn't talked to Ellery

in almost five years.

Out, Pyle! Out, out!

Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out, out!

Hello, Jimmy?

Uh, this is Vince,
your old buddy.

Uh, Vince... Carter.

Carter... you remember.

I bought them fight
tickets from you.

Yeah, the Clay-Liston
fight two years ago in Vegas.

Listen, Jimmy, I
was wondering...

uh, do you have any tickets
for the football game Sunday?


Hey, Ellery.

Boy, if you ain't a
sight for sore eyes.

Man, look at you.

Look at that uniform
and everything.

Boy, you done filled out.

Well, you done filled out, too.

Just look at you, Ellery,

a big, famous football player.

Ah, it's just a job.

Better than working
that gas station.

Hey, now, you're gonna
come out Sunday to the game,

and you're gonna sit on
the bench with the players.

Why, I sure would like to.

Is it all right if I
bring a friend along?

I'd like to bring
Sergeant Carter.

Carter? Isn't that that guy

hung up on me this morning?

Well, yeah,

but he's really
a very nice fella.

He was just a little bit
nervous this morning.

He had a real important
phone call to make,

and I was tying up the phone.

Bring him, bring him anyway.

Oh, well, thank you, Ellery.

Now, wait a minute,
let me get this straight.

Is this your friend, Al,
who's got this ticket?

Oh, his brother.

Well, why ain't he going...

Oh, the flu, huh?

Uh, well, what
if he gets better?


What does the doctor say?

I see.

Sergeant... Sergeant Carter.

Uh, well, hold it, Mort.

What do you want, Pyle?

Well, I've kind of got
some exciting news.

See, my friend, Ellery
Lewis, is in town and, well,

if you're not doing
anything Sunday afternoon...

What have you got
in mind, a picnic?

No, Sergeant, you
see, he wants us...

Thanks, Pyle, I got
plans Sunday, big plans.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'm kind of busy
right now, okay?

Look, Mort, here's the thing.

What if this guy
does get better?

Well, what's his
temperature right now?


What it is, Sergeant,
see, Ellery invited me

to the big football
game on Sunday,

and he said I
could bring a friend.

Hold it, Mort.

Look, Pyle, will you stop

yakking in my ear
and get out of here?

I told you I got plans Sunday.

Well, all right.

Now, here's the thing, Mort.

I got this chance
for a ticket, see?

It's available, and if I blow it

and this guy,
Freddie, gets better,

then where does that leave me?

15 bucks for a
five dollar ticket.




Sergeant, what's the matter?

Uh, nothing.

Listen, Pyle...

Pyle, remember when you came

to the office this afternoon?

I was talking on the phone,

and you were trying
to tell me something.

What was that?

This afternoon? Yeah.

Did you say you had a friend

who was inviting you to
the football game Sunday?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

It is?

You mean this guy's got tickets?

Well, no.

You see, he's one of the players

for the Boston Bulldogs.

He is?

What's his name, Pyle?

Ellery Lewis.


Well, in the newspapers,
they called him Moose.

Oh, Moose Lewis? Moose Lewis?

Yeah, he's a friend of
mine from back home.

This friend of yours
is... Moose Lewis?

Uh-huh, he invited me
to the game Sunday,

and he told me I
could bring a friend

and we could sit on the bench.


On the bench?

On the bench!

Hold it down,
Pyle, hold it down.

Look, Pyle...

this is a truth ain't
it, the absolute truth?

I mean, this is very
important to me.

You see, I got a
ticket, and if I pass it up

and this turns out to be some
kind of cock-and-bull story...

Well, no, Sergeant,
it's the truth.

Ellery told me so hisself.

Yeah, Pyle, but
sometimes you have a way

of getting things
a little confused.

Look, Pyle, could we go
down and see Moose together?

Could I meet Moose?

Well, sure, I'll call him

first thing in the morning.

Yeah, good, good.

You call him first
thing in the morning.

Good night, Pyle.

Pyle? Hmm?

You see this?

That's the Marine Corps emblem.

Swear you know Moose Lewis.

You okay, Moose?

Yeah, sure, I'm all right.

You guys go on out, I'll be...

I'll be back in a minute.

You're sure you're okay, huh?


Get the phone, will you?

What phone?

Listen, you sure
you're all right?

Yeah, I... I'm all right, Ed.

Hey, I'm George.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We better get the doctor.

Get the phone on your way out.


Well, there he is
right there. Hi, Ellery.

How you doing?


This here is Sergeant Carter,

the fella I was
telling you about.

Sergeant, this
here is Ellery Lewis.

Hi there, Moose.

Glad to know you.

This is a real pleasure.

The reason we come
down here today was,

the sergeant didn't quite
believe I really knew you.

Oh, come on,
Pyle, that ain't true.

I just wanted to
meet Moose, that's all.

Hey, Moose?

What are you guys doing in here?

Well, hey there, I'm Gomer Pyle,

this is Sergeant Carter.

We're real good
friends of Ellery's.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Moose, you know these guys?


But, Ellery, you
know me... Gomer.

You invited me to sit
on the bench tomorrow.

What are you talking about?

Nobody sits on the
bench except the players.

But Ellery, I just talked
to you on the phone.

Yeah, get the phone.

Come on, you guys, out, out.

Come on, scram before
I call one of the guards.

But, Ellery... Come on, Pyle.

Well... well...

Golly, I just don't
understand it.

Ellery sure remembered
me yesterday.

You swore on the Marine emblem.

Gomer? Hey, Gomer.

Well, hey, Ellery. What
are you doing here?

Looking for you.

Listen, did you come down

this morning to
see me at practice?

Yeah, we sure did.

Me and the sergeant talked
to you in the locker room,

but you didn't remember me.

Then it was you.

They told me some
guys came in to see me.

I got shook up on
a play this morning.

For a while, I didn't
even know where I was.

Oh, is that what happened?

Well, how're you feeling now?

Fine, Gome, fine.

I just wanted to make
sure you wasn't sore.

Gosh, no.

Listen, and you're coming
down tomorrow now

at the game to see us, huh?

Well, of course I will.

Good, and make sure

you bring your
sergeant now, you hear?

Okay, Ziggy, you win.

I've got to see that game
even if it costs me $25.

Where'll you have the ticket?

Right out in front
of the main gate.

Yeah, I'll have cash.

And I ain't gonna forget
how you held me up

on this deal either!



Hey, Ellery, do you
mind if we stop by

and tell the sergeant
what happened?

Sure, but then I've got to run.

We got a skull session
back at the hotel.

Oh, well, thank you. All right.


Hey, Sergeant, we
was just... Hi, Sarge.

I was just getting ready to
come over and apologize.

You see, what
happened this morning

is Ellery got hit in
practice in the head,

and he was still kind of woozy.

I didn't even know
you guys was there.

They told me about it later on.

Oh... uh, that's what happened.


Well, I figured it was
something like that.

I mean, I knew Pyle wouldn't
lie about knowing you.

Well, I just wanted to
make sure you wasn't sore.

And you're coming out to
see me tomorrow now, right?

Oh, sure. Tomorrow?

To the game? And
sit on the bench?

Is that what you mean, Moose?

Yeah, I told Gomer I'll have

some bench passes
waiting for you.

Well, I've got to get going.

I'll see y'all tomorrow.

See ya, Moose. Bye, Moose.

Take care now.

Take care, Moose.

We'll see you tomorrow,
Moose ol' buddy!

Right there on the bench, Moose!

We'll be there, Moose!

Great guy, that Moose.

Hello, Ziggy? Carter.

Yeah. You know that little
five dollar ticket you got

that you're trying
to get 25 bucks for?

Well, you still got it, Ziggy.

I mean I ain't taking it.

I'm sitting on the
bench tomorrow

as the personal
guest of Moose Lewis.

You heard me, Moose Lewis.

Gee, Ziggy, I hope you
don't get stuck with that ticket.

'Cause a ticket like that
would be hard to get rid of,

even at the regular price.

Hey, Pyle, get on
this side of me, huh?

What's the matter?

There's guy down
there I don't want to see.

See the guy in the felt hat?

The tough-looking
guy, that's Ziggy.

I don't want to talk to him.

Is that the fella you
talked to on the phone?

Yeah, yeah, I don't
want him to see me.

Hold your own tickets, please.

Step right in.
Come right through.

Hold your own ticket.

Thank you.

Do you have a pass
here for Gomer Pyle?

A bench pass.

"Bench pass"? Yeah.

"Pyle," yeah.

Here you are. Go right in.

Great! Go ahead, Pyle.

Hold it. Hold it. Now,
where are you going?

That pass there for Pyle,
that includes me, too.

It does? Yeah.

It doesn't. All it
says is "Gomer Pyle."

Well, there must
be some mistake.

My friend Ellery Lewis
said that he'd leave

a bench pass here
for the two of us.

I'm sorry, soldier.

Now are you going
in or ain't you?

Well, I'm not going in alone.

All right, then
you ain't going in.

Wait a minute!

Listen, we talked to Mr. Lewis
yesterday, personally.

And he told us there would be

a pass here that
included both of us!

Look, buddy, what
do you want from me?

I only work here.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Come on, Pyle!

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

Wouldn't you know it?

It was too good to
be true. I knew it.

Well, I'm sorry as
I can be, Sergeant.

Oh, forget it, Pyle.
It ain't your fault.

I talked to Moose.
I heard him myself.

It's some mix-up.

That stupid guy on the gate!

Listen, Sergeant, I got an idea.

Why don't you go
in instead of me?

Oh, no, Pyle.

I couldn't do that. Why not?

I wish you would, 'cause I know

how much it means to you.

And it really don't
mean that much to me.

No, Pyle.

Sure, Sergeant. You go
ahead and take the ticket.

I really don't care that much.

I'll just wait out here
in the car for you

and maybe have a nap.


Well, gee, Pyle,
I hate to do this,

but I will.

And I won't forget this, Pyle.

You can bet on that.

Oh, sure, Sergeant.

Go on in there
and enjoy yourself.

Okay. And I'll make
it up to you, Pyle.

I swear I'll make it up to you.

Have a good time, Sergeant.

I'll see you later at the car.

Thanks again, Pyle. Buddy!

Hold it! Hold it! Huh?

You can't use this pass.

Why not?

Only Pyle can use this pass.

Oh, come on. You said
one of us could go in.

I said Pyle could go in,
because his name is on the pass.

Now you can't go in,

because your name
ain't on this pass.

Is that clear?

Now either Pyle uses this pass,

or nobody uses
it. Oh, for the...

Give me that!

Excuse me. Excuse me, please.

Will you excuse me?

Pyle! Hey, Pyle!

Wait a second.

It won't work. They
won't let me in.

Here, you take the
pass. Go in yourself.

But what'll you do, Sergeant?

Look, I think I know
where I can get a ticket.

You go in. I'll meet you
out here after the game.

Okay, Sergeant.

Well, there you are, Ziggy!

I've been looking
all over for you!

Oh, yeah.

Well, I... I got the
dough here for that ticket.

What ticket? I thought you
were sitting on the bench.

The bench?

Oh, uh... well, that was a gag.

You mean you went for that?

I was just kidding you, Ziggy.

Some gag, huh?

Gee, I hope you
didn't sell that ticket.

Not yet, but I will in
a couple of minutes.

A guy just went over to the
window to break a hundred.

He did?

Oh, but I can still have it.

First come first
served, right Ziggy?

Sure, Carter. Cash
on the barrelhead.

I got it here.
$25, right, Ziggy?

Wrong, Carter. $50.


Hey, Sergeant! Sergeant!

Did you buy that ticket yet?

Well, sure, Pyle.

How do you think I got in? Why?

Well, I just talked to Ellery,

and I got you a bench pass.

No! No, no, no!

I just spent 50 bucks for this!

Well, forget it.

It's all right, Pyle.

I'm just going to figure I spent

50 bucks to sit on the bench.

I mean, it's worth it, ain't it?

It's once in a lifetime, right?

Sure. I'm just going
to forget the dough

and have myself a ball.

Well, good, Sergeant.

Yeah, let's go, Pyle.

Let's go see that football game.

Hey, Doc. Did we miss anything?

Just the kickoff.

It's our ball on the 30.

Great! Come on, Pyle.

See, fellas? We got
our bench passes.

We're supposed to sit here.

Um... Uh, look, Pyle, uh...

can I sit on the end?

I mean, the view's better there.

And you really don't
care that much, do you?

Oh, no, Sergeant.
You can sit here.

Okay, Pyle. Thanks a lot.

Oh, boy!

What a thrill, huh?

This is the greatest
day of my life.

Hey, the first play!

Come on, Ellery!

Come on!

Come on, Moose! Come on, Moose!

Come on!

Sergeant Carter! Sergeant?

Here, I better have
a look at him here.

Give me some room
here. Will you, fellas?

Is he all right?

Oh, yeah, he's fine.
Just shook up a little.

He'll be okay in
a couple of hours.

"Couple of hours"?
He'll miss the game.

Oh, say, listen,
he's lucky he's alive.

Al, Dick, bring the
stretcher over here.

Take him down
to the locker room.


I'm sorry, Sergeant.

This is all my fault.

I should've been
sitting on the end.


Get the phone, will you?

Are you sure you're feeling
all right now, Sergeant?

Boy, it sure was nice of
Moose to give me the game ball.

And the whole
team signed it, too.

Boy, that was great.

Well, he felt bad about
you missing the game.

And I felt bad about
it, too, Sergeant.

But, boy, you ought
to seen old Moose run.

The way he dodged around there,

just like a jackrabbit.

Yeah, well, I did get
to sit on the bench,

and I got to see the first play.

And I got the game ball.

All in all, it was
a great day, Pyle,

a really great day.

Hold it. Hold it.

Now where are you guys going?

Huh? Well, we're
going to our car.

Where'd you get the ball?

Oh, Moose Lewis gave it to me.

It's the game ball. He
made me a present of it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you can't get
that ball out of here

without a permit.
You got a permit?

No. But it's mine.

You see, Moose Lewis,
he's the... Wait a minute.

Ain't you the guy I had
trouble with before the game?

Trying to get in
on a phony pass?


Well, maybe you
did, but so what?

You ain't taking this ball.

Oh, yes, I am.

How do I know?
You might've stole it.

Come on, give me that
ball. Oh, no, you don't!

You ain't taking
this ball. Here, Pyle.

I'm clear! Hit me, Pyle!

Hit me!

Hit me, Pyle! Hit me!