Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 13 - Hit and Write - full transcript

Sergeant Carter hits a new car while parking and slightly scratches it. Gomer insists that the Sergeant leave a note. Then the new car turns up with a badly crashed fender which Carter is blamed for.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Sergeant, I don't
think you can make it.

It's kind of short.

Oh, yeah?

Watch this, Pyle.

I'll show you how it's done.

This is the way
an expert does it.

First, you cut it hard, see?

And exactly

the right moment, you
cut it hard the other way.


There we are, Pyle.

Sergeant, you hit
the car ahead of us.

What? I what?

You hit the car
ahead of us. I heard it.

Your bumper must
have got caught on his.

I didn't hear anything.

Well, you was turned
around, looking in back.

That's probably the
reason you didn't know.

You must be out
of your head, Pyle!

I never even touched him.

Is there any damage, Sergeant?

No, nothing. I told you
I never touched him.

Come on, let's go, Pyle.

Well, wait a minute, Sergeant.

What's the matter?

There is a scratch here.

Oh, yeah?

Where? I didn't see anything.

Right here. If you
lean over this way,

you can see it from this angle.

Oh, yeah.

But Sergeant, you're not
gonna just leave, are you?

Well, why not?

Well, you damaged
this fella's car.

It was an accident,
but it was your fault.

Well, what do you
expect me to do about it?

If the guy was here,
I'd tell him I'm sorry,

but it's after 6:00, Pyle,

and I got a date
with Bunny for dinner.

But if you leave the scene

of an accident, Sergeant,
that's hit and run.

Hit and run?!

It's a little scratch!

You take a cloth and some
polish, and just rub it out.

Uh-uh, Sergeant, not with this.

To really fix this up,

you've got to
sand the paint off,

and then cover it with primer,

and then blend
some new paint in.

It's at least a ten-dollar job.

Ten dollars?!

Uh-huh, but you've
got insurance.

That ought to cover it.

I ain't gonna put in a claim
for something like that.

They'll raise my rates.

Look, I got to go, Pyle.

I'm going.

All right, Sergeant.


What are you doing, Pyle?

Well, nothing, Sergeant.

Just standing here.

I thought you were
going to a movie.

Well, I am, but
I thought I'd wait

on the fella that owns
this car to come back.

You mean, you're
gonna wait for him

and tell him I put that
scratch on his fender?

Well, don't worry, Sergeant.

I'll take all the blame since
I was the one directing you.

But it's only
fair that I tell him

that you was the
one behind the wheel.

It's the only honorable
thing to do, Sergeant.

Don't you agree?

If more people would
own up to their mistakes,

there wouldn't be any need to...

Okay, okay, I'll
write the guy a note.

Oh, good, Sergeant.

I just know you're gonna
feel better about this.

It's just like Grandma
Pyle used to always say:

"If my conscience ain't
right, I'm up half the night.

But if my conscience
is clean, I sleep till 8:15."

Yeah, yeah. I put down my
name and my phone number,

and I told him I'd
pay for the damage.

Here, put this on
the guy's window.

I sure will, Sergeant.

I just know you're gonna
be happy about this.

"If my conscience ain't
right, I'm up half the night.

"If my conscience is clean,

I sleep till 8:15."

Company B, Sergeant Carter here.



Well, what can I
do for you, Mister...

Oh. Oh, yeah, my note.

Yeah, that was me.

Well, thank you very much.

Sure, I know, most guys would,

but, uh, I just
ain't built that way.

Right. There's still some of
us good guys left in the world.

Well, what's it gonna
cost me, Mr. Whipple?


What do you need estimates for?

It was just a... What?



For what? It was just a scratch.


What extensive damage?!

Look, mister, I don't
know what your racket is,

but you got the wrong guy.

I ain't about to
pay you 235 clams!

Well, do anything you like!

Golly, Sergeant.

I find that hard to believe.

Of course you do, Pyle.

As far as you're concerned,

the whole world's one
big Mother Goose story.

I sure am sorry, Sergeant.

Oh, sure you're sorry.

You're always sorry.

But that don't keep
you from being stupid.

Well, are you gonna
have to pay him?

Oh, no, Pyle. I ain't stupid.

But some other dummy
probably would have paid him,

and it all would have been
made possible by you, Pyle.

You, Mr. Nice Guy.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for a Sergeant Carter.

Could you tell me
where I might find him?

Yeah, I'm Carter.

What can I do for you?

Oh, really?

You're Sergeant Carter, hmm?

Well, I'm Harry Whipple.


So, you're Whipple, huh?

Yes, and I'd like to ask
you one question, Sergeant.

Are you going to pay me, or not?

Come on, you got to be kidding.

You know, you got a lot of
guts coming out here like this.

I told you on the phone...

You mean you refuse to pay?

Because I can take steps.

I was gonna give you one chance
to change your mind before I...

Well, I ain't changing
my mind, get that straight.

You got a nice little
racket going for you,

but it won't work with me.

Now look, Sergeant, I'm sure
you don't want any trouble,

and I don't like making
trouble for a serviceman,

but I warn you, I will
not hesitate to go...

Are you trying to scare me?

Because if you are, forget it!

I put one little
scratch on your car...

A little scratch about
that big, and you know it!

I only know two
things, Sergeant...

I got a note from you, and
a badly smashed fender.

What badly smashed?!

I barely touched it!


Would you like to step outside
and take a look at my car?


Yeah, I'd like to see it.

Come on, show me
your $235 fender!

Come on.

Pyle, come with me.

I want to show you something.

Yes, sir.

All right, here it is, Sergeant.

Do you call that a scratch?

Holy smoke! Who did that?!

You did! I didn't!

Then who did?

I don't know, but I'm
telling you, it wasn't me!

Now, look, would you
please keep your voice down?

My wife is in there. Huh?

Come on, Harry. How long
we gonna fool around here?

As long as it takes.

I got to get to
the beauty parlor.

You're telling me?

Listen to Steve Stunning.

At least I can get help.

Dearest, do me a favor.

Stay out of this and
keep your mouth shut.



That's the worst-looking
fender I ever did see.

And I didn't do it.

Pyle, tell him what
happened yesterday.

From the very beginning?

That's right, tell
him the whole thing.

Well, I was going into
town to see a movie.

It was supposed to
be a real good one.

It was about this doctor
experimenting with dead people.

Oh, no, Pyle, not all that.

Just tell about the accident.

Yes, sir.

Well, anyway, Sergeant
Carter was parking the car, and...

And his car hit
my fender, right?

Well, yes, sir, it did.

Aha! You see?

He's a witness, Carter!

No, no.

Uh, Pyle, tell him
what happened exactly.

Well, I was trying to, Sergeant,

and he just didn't
let me finish.

Anyway, Sergeant
Carter hit your fender,

but he never did all of this.

He just made a
little bitty scratch.

Okay, Whipple, there you are.

That proves it.

That doesn't prove a thing.

He's in your outfit.

He's not gonna go
against his sergeant.

Will you come on, Harry?

It's getting hot in here!

So fan yourself.

I haven't got a fan.

Use your lip!

Carter, if you think

that I'm going to
believe his phony story...

Are you saying Pyle's lying?

That's right, he's lying!

Shame! Shame! Shame! I am not!

If you want to know
the truth, it was Pyle

that talked me into leaving
that note, right, Pyle?

That's right, Sergeant.

Oh, really?

That's the way it is, huh?

You were gonna run off
without leaving anything.

That's hit and run, Carter!

No! It just wasn't
worth bothering about.

I only know two things...

I got a note from you
and a badly smashed car.

Now I ask you for the last time,

are you going to
pay me for it or not?

And I'm telling you
for the last time... no!

Now, my advice
is to get in your car

and get out of here
before I call the MPs!

All right, Sergeant.

All right, I'm going.

But you'll hear from me.

You're in plenty of
trouble, understand?

Plenty of trouble!

Come in.

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease.

I, uh, hope you don't mind, sir,

but I brought Private Pyle along

just in case we
need him for, uh,

some collaboration.

Uh, yes. Uh...

This is Sergeant
Carter and Private Pyle.

You know one of these gentlemen,

I believe... Mr. Whipple.

Yes, sir.


These other gentlemen are
Mr. Goodbody, his attorney,

and Mr. Marshall,
his insurance agent.

Pleased to meet you.

You know what this
is about, I'm sure.

The accident with
Mr. Whipple's car?

Yes, sir.

Now, I've seen the car,
and I've seen the note

that you left, Sergeant Carter.

What I don't understand is

why you refuse to pay
for the smashed fender.

Well, it's very simple, Colonel.

I didn't do it.

Excuse me, Colonel.

I think Private Pyle could
clear this all up for us.

Exactly, Mr. Whipple.

Now, with the Colonel's
permission, sir, I shall proceed

to cross examine
Private Pyle here.

Uh, that won't be
necessary, Sergeant.

Uh, Colonel, if you don't mind,

I'd like to ask Private
Pyle a few questions.

Well, this isn't a court
of law, Mr. Goodbody.

Oh, no, sir.

It's perfectly all
right with me, sir,

and I'm sure it's
perfectly all right

with my witness
here, right, Pyle?

Yes, sir.

As a matter of fact,
Colonel, the private was

a bit reluctant to speak
in front of his sergeant

when I talked to
the both of them,

but perhaps here
in your office...

Please, Harry, let
me handle this now.

Private Pyle, as
I understand it,

you witnessed the accident.

Yes, sir.

See, I was going into
town to see this movie,

and Sergeant Carter said he'd be

kind enough to take me...

Just tell us about
the accident, please.

Now, you were in the car?

Yes, sir, I was.

I was directing him into
this awful short space.

"Awful short space."

Huh, tell us what
else happened in this

"awful short space"
as you described.

Well, there's not
really much to tell.

We was parking, and
our car hit the other car.

To tell you the truth, Colonel,

I didn't even know...
Please, Sergeant.

Private Pyle is
answering the questions.

Yes, sir.

Go right ahead, Pyle.

Private Pyle,

you say that
Sergeant Carter's car

definitely hit
Mr. Whipple's car?

Oh, sure, there's
no doubt about it.

I even heard it.

You say you heard it?

Yes, I not only heard it,
but I felt it. But it wasn't...

You felt it? How?

Well, you know, a
nice, new car like that,

it kind of gave me
a sickening feeling.

"A sickening feeling"?

Well, you know how it is
when your car hits something.

It kind of makes
you sick right here.

I see.

Thank you, Colonel.

I rest my case.

Colonel, I tell you,
it was just a scratch.


I'm in a very
difficult position here.

It's Sergeant Carter's word

against the word
of this good civilian.

But from all the
evidence I've heard,

I think there's only one
thing for the sergeant to do,

and that's pay up.

And that's what I want
you to do, Sergeant.

That will be all, men. Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Come on, Pyle.

It was just a little scratch.

A tiny scratch.

Sergeant Carter?

Sergeant Carter?

I just want to
say that I'm sorry

about what happened
in the Colonel's office.

All I did was tell the truth,

but they just took it wrong.

They put a different meaning

to every single thing I said.

Okay, Pyle.

As much as I hate to say so,

I think that Mr. Whipple
might be dishonest.

He could've done all
that damage to his car,

and then tried to put
all the blame on you.

But don't you worry
about it, Sergeant.

I'm going to get to
the bottom of this

if it's the last thing I do.

Well... bye, Sergeant.


Excuse me, Ms. Whipple,
uh, my name is Pyle,

Gomer Pyle.

I saw you out at
the base yesterday.

Yes, yes, I remember.

What do you want?

Well, is your husband at home?

No, he's at work... good-bye.

Uh, Ms. Whipple?

See, the reason I
wanted to see him

was to talk about that accident

my sergeant and I had
with Mr. Whipple's car.

I wouldn't know
anything about that.

You'll have to talk to him,
and I'm getting dressed

to go out shopping,
and I'm in a hurry.

Oh, I see.

Well, could you tell me

where I could get
in touch with him?

I told you I don't
have any time to talk.

Good-bye. But Ms.
Whipple... Good-bye!

Are you still here?

I told you I don't
have any time to talk.

Well, all I wanted was
just to ask if... And I told you

to get out of here... Now,
will you stop bothering me

or I'll call the police!

But, ma'am, I...


Where did you come from?

Well, from just down the street.

I was just wondering
if I could talk

to you for a minute.

I told you I haven't
got any time.

Now, get away, just
get away from the car!

All I want to do is to ask you

a couple of questions, ma'am.

Do you always drive like that?

What do you mean?

Well, I seen you hit that tree,

and it just kind of
gave me a thought.

Were you driving this
car day before yesterday?

I told you to quit bothering me.

Why can't you leave me alone?

Uh, get... get off this
property this minute!

I'm gonna call the police.

Well, all right, ma'am,

if that's what you'd like to do.

Go away.

You did it, didn't you, ma'am?

I mean, smash that fender.

So, when it
happened, I panicked.

I just panicked.

But why?

It's a brand-new car.

The price sticker is
still on the back window.

Well, I still don't
think that's any reason

you can't tell your husband.

He'd never hear me.

He'd take one
look at the fender,

and then he'd start
screaming at me!

You mean this is the first
accident you've ever had?

I've only been
driving for two days.

For ten years, we argued
about me getting a license,

and I finally won.

And the first thing I did
was prove he was right.

Well, it seems to me that
anybody that's been driving

that short of time is
entitled to one mistake.

Don't you understand?

Our life is one long argument.

The only reason I was
crying is because this is

the first time Harry has
been a hundred percent right,

and he's never
gonna let me forget it.

Well, I sure am
sorry, Ms. Whipple.

Oh, sorry, sure.

Everybody is always sorry.

Oh, why did you have
to interfere in my life?

Well, I didn't mean
to interfere, but, well,

my sergeant's innocent,
and he's being made

to take the blame for
something he didn't do.

Oh, I know, I know.

I just feel awful about it.

When Harry told me he
was going to the camp

to see your colonel,
I tried to stop him,

but he just started
screaming again!


You just don't know Harry.

He screams!

It's terrible.

Yes, ma'am, I know,
I've met your husband.

He's a hollerer, all right. Yes.

And when he
hollers, I can't stand it.

Well, excuse me
for asking, ma'am,

but what do you usually
do when he hollers?

What can I do?

I holler right back.

Just because a
person's a hollerer

don't mean that he ain't nice.

Take my sergeant, for instance.

He's a hollerer, but down deep,

he's one of the nicest
people I ever met.

Sure, so is Harry.

It's pretty deep, but
basically, he's nice.

Well, that's why I
think you can stand up

to Mr. Whipple and
tell him the truth.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.

No, I couldn't.

Maybe you could if
you'd let me help you.

Who left this stupid lawn
mower right in the front walk?

Somebody could fall
down and break their neck!

He's home, he's coming in.

Now, look, you go
out the back way.

That way, he'll never see you.

But ma'am... Oh, please,
don't you understand?

He'll be in here in a second!

But, ma'am, I'll
just stay right here

with you and give
you moral support,

and that way, you can
face up to him. No, no.

No, I can't do it; just
forget what I said.

I'll get the money,

and I'll pay
Sergeant Carter back.

You just get ahold of yourself.

There ain't no reason
for you to get all upset.

Alice, I'm home!

I heard!

I mean, uh... hello, Harry.

What's he doing here?

Uh... Harry, uh... you
remember Mr. Pyle.

He's from the... Yeah.

What are you doing here, Pyle?

Well, I... Did you
bring me a check?

Is that why you're here?

No. I just came
to straighten out

what really happened
to your car. What?

Well, you see, the truth is,

Sergeant Carter never did that
damage to your car and, well,

I'd like you to know who did.

What is this?

Uh... Harry? Yeah?

Uh... I... He...

Would you like a martini, Harry?

Well, yeah. As a
matter of fact, I would.

Good. I've got some all fixed.

Now, you say Carter
didn't wreck my car.

Huh? Well, then, who did?

Well, uh... Well...
well... the truth is...

Here, Harry, drink this.

Hey, I can't drink all that.

I'll get stoned!

It's all right, Harry.

Take it. I think you'd better.

All right, Pyle.

You got something
to say, spill it.

Well... uh...

I don't think I'm the one
that should tell you this.

I think that the person
who should tell you...

I did it, Harry.

Now, come on, now,
Pyle, cut the double-talk.

I know Carter did it.

He left the note, and then
he changed his mind, right?

But I got him dead to
rights, and he is gonna pay!

It's my fault, Harry.

I smashed the fender.

I'm the one who wrecked the car.

I had the note from
Sergeant Carter,

and I let him take the blame.

You want some
more martini, Harry?

You did it?

Yes, Harry, I did it, and...

and I'm as sorry as I can be.

You wrecked the car

and let me think
someone else did it?!

How could you do
such a stupid thing?!

I threaten this man Carter,

I go out to the base
and talk to the colonel,

I get everybody upset,

and you stand there
calmly and coolly

and tell me you did it?

How could you do such
a thing like that to me?!

It's bad enough
you wrecked the car,

then you let me go and
make a jerk out of my myself!

Don't you think?

Don't you use
your brains at all?

I mean, after all,
you're a grown woman!

I mean, you should
have some sense!

And why would you be
afraid to tell me? Hmm?

What am I? An ogre? A monster?

A raving beast that you
have to be frightened of?

You can tell me anything!

I'm a reasonable person!

You don't have to go
beating around the bush,

afraid to open up your mouth!

You're right, Harry.

I'm your husband.
You're my wife.

We've been married for
almost 20 years, right?

A human being is
allowed to make a mistake.

We're only human.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Even I make mistakes.

You're right, Harry.

You know what our
problem is, Alice?

We don't communicate.

But you see?
Once we talk it out,

everything is okay.

It's very decent of
you to come here

and straighten this
out, Mr. Whipple.

We all appreciate it.

Thank you. Of course,

I'll take care of all the
damages to the car.

It's only fair.


Oh, well, excuse me, sir,

but, actually, that
ain't completely fair.

After all, Sergeant Carter
did do some of the damage.

Oh, I figure about
ten dollars worth.

Oh, no. That isn't necessary.

Well, maybe it ain't necessary,

but I just know Sergeant
Carter wouldn't feel right

if you had to pay for all of it.

Isn't that right, Sergeant?

Pyle... Well, all
right, if you insist.

It is very kind of you.

Yes. It's very good
of you, Sergeant.

Why don't you just do that?

Just send Mr. Whipple
a check for ten dollars.

Well, I'll let you men
get back to your duties.

That will be all.

Uh... Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Come on, Pyle.

Sergeant, I hope
you don't think that I...


Well, what is it, Sergeant?


What is it, Sergeant?

Pyle, you knucklehead.
You nitwit. You nincompoop!

Why did you have to
open your mouth in there?

I was off the hook completely,

and now I'm stuck for ten bucks!

Why do you always
have to be Mr. Nice Guy?

Couldn't you keep your
mouth shut once in your life?

Don't you ever know when
to leave well enough alone?!

Of all the stupid
knuckleheads I've ever known,

you are absolutely the worst!

You're right, Sergeant.