Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 10 - A Little Chicken Soup Wouldn't Hurt - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Well, here we are, huh?

You're in a hurry, huh?

You haven't got
time to sit a minute?

Well, it isn't that.

It's just that I told
Naomi and the kids

I'd be home early.

So why didn't you
bring them, Sol?

You know what a pleasure
I get when I see them.

You know why, Ma.

I brought them last week,
you always do too much.

You're always cooking
and baking and serving.

You knock yourself out.

So I knock myself out.

If I can't knock myself
out for my children,

who can I knock myself out for?

For nobody,

that's just it, that's why
we brought you out here,

so you could rest and relax.

You've worked
hard all your life.

Now just sit and
look at the ocean.

How long does it take
to look at an ocean?

What I mean is just relax,

just... sit and
don't do anything.

You know people
who are able to do that.

Sure, I know them.

They're all laying
there in Forest Lawn.

You know what I mean.

Now you be a good girl.

You'll bring the
children next week?

I'm not gonna tell you.

'Cause if I do, you'll get
busy in the kitchen again.

So long, Ma.

I'll see you.

Bye, Ma.

Kiss the children and Naomi.

And drive careful.

Don't take chances.

So you'll get there
five minutes later.

Excuse me, young man.

What time is it?

It's 20 minutes
after 1:00, ma'am.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Excuse me, young man,

you're before lunch
or you're after lunch?

No, ma'am, I haven't had it yet.

So why are you eating
peanuts? Ma'am?

Peanuts lay on the chest,
especially before lunch.

Oh, well, it's just a few.

Excuse me, young man.

Where were you planning
to have this lunch?

Well, there's the hot dog
stand right down the street here.

I thought I'd stop there
and have a few hot dogs.

That's a lunch?

Ma'am?

That's no lunch.

First, peanuts and
then a hot dog?

And what about a hot
vegetable, a piece of fruit,

a hot drink to wash it all down?

Oh, well, usually on Sundays

I don't like to go
to a restaurant.

I just stop and get a
sandwich and a bag of peanuts

and a candy bar, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Chazerei.

Ma'am?

Something to
stuff yourself with.

Um, excuse me, young man.

It has to be peanuts
and hot dogs?

Ma'am?

Well, I mean, if you would
sit down to a nice hot lunch,

wouldn't that be better
than to eat standing up?

It should all go
down into your feet.

Oh, well, I really
didn't want to bother

going to a restaurant.

Who's talking
about a restaurant?

I'm talking about
by me in a house.

Oh.

That's real nice
of you, Mrs., uh...

Gordon. I'm Molly Gordon.

And with whom have
I got the pleasure?

Oh, I'm Gomer.

Uh, Gomer Pyle.

I'm pleased to meet you, ma'am.

You're very, very polite, Gomer.

But you're very skinny.

Like a toothpick.

So, you'll come?

I really don't know
whether I should.

Eh, it's all right, you'll come,

you'll eat, you'll enjoy.

Settled, yes?

Well, well, all right.

A toothpick.

Just like a toothpick.

That's my children
and my grandchildren...

My whole life.

Well, they're very nice.

What do you mean "nice"?

They're perfect.

That's my daughter-
in-law, Naomela.

And these are the grandchildren,

Stevela and Lindela.

And that's my Solela.

He graduated from UCLA.

"Magna cum louder."

What's he do?

Well, he went for a CPA,

and now he has a very
big important company

in Los Angeles.

That's wonderful.

He has a partner, but, uh,

Sol does all the work.

You must be real proud of him.

He looks like
a real fine feller.

I couldn't help but noticing

when he was talking
to you out there.

Oh, Sol is a good boy.

You see, after my Sam died,

I went to live with
him and his family.

I used to cook for
them and clean,

I was a babysitter.

Hmm. What didn't I do?

So then Sol decided I
was working too hard.

I should retire.

So he fixed me up
with this apartment.

$300 a month.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What do I need it?

Huh? What do I need it, Gomer?

It's too fancy schmancy.

You know what I think?

I think the whole place
was decorated by a sissy.

Well, it's real pretty, though.

Eh. Look at the... the
standing and talking.

I bet you're starved.

Come. Come, we
can talk by the table.

Sit down.

And now, Gomer,

you're going to start
with a piece of fish.

Homemade gefilte
fish that I made myself.

Then, I'll give you a
plate of chicken soup...

Wouldn't hurt... and
a piece of chicken.

Then I'll give you a little
piece of gedempte flanken.

This gedempte
flanken you never ate.

That's right, I never
even heard of it.

Peanuts and hot
dogs you heard about

and gedempte flanken not?

What the matter,

they don't teach you
nothing in the marines?

Golly, Mrs. Gordon, that
sounds like an awful lot of food.

No, wait, I'm not finished yet.

There's more?

Well, if you wouldn't
taste my kugel,

I'll feel insulted.

So, go, darling, start.

Eat, yes?

Here, put a little
horseradish on the fish.

Wouldn't hurt. Yeah?

You like it?

It's good?

Mm... It's delicious.

So I'll get you another piece.

But I've hardly
started on this one.

I'll get you another piece.

I really think this
will be enough.

Oh, you don't like it?

I love it, it's delicious.

So I'll get you another piece.

Oh, you're there.

Here.

Here's your tea.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

Mrs. Gordon, do
you play the piano?

An Oscar Levant I'm not.

It's really the piano for the
grandchildren when they come.

What's this say?

"Di Grine Kuzine."

Is that right?

Perfect.

I bet you speak Jewish.

What was your name
before you changed it?

It was always Pyle.

You didn't shorten it?

No, ma'am.

Pyle could've been Pylchinsky,

Pylaschevitz, Pyliakov.

You find out, I bet
you'll be surprised.

I don't think so.

But what does this mean?

"Di Grine Kuzine"?

It means "The Green Cousin."

You see, it's a
story about a cousin

who comes from the
Old Country to America

and she's green, a greenhorn.

But she's beautiful, with
cheeks like red apples,

and dancing feet.

And she gets a job
in a millinery store

and one, two, three,
she becomes a Yankee.

Well, that's cute.

Can you sing it?

Well, a Barbra
Streisand I'm not.

But I'll try.

Come.

♪ Tsu mir iz gekumen a kuzine ♪

♪ Sheyn vi gold iz
zi geven, di grine ♪

♪ Bekelakh vi royte pomerantsn ♪

♪ Fiselakh vos betn
zich tsum tantsn ♪

♪ Bekelakh vi royte pomerantsn ♪

♪ Fiselakh vos betn
zich tsum tantsn. ♪

That was wonderful.

Now you try it.

Oh, no. No, no, look.

The words are written
in English letters.

You read English, yeah?

Come. Try.

♪ Tsu mir iz gekumen a kuzine ♪

♪ Sheyn vi gold iz
zi geven, di grine ♪

♪ Bekelakh vi royte pomerantsn ♪

♪ Fiselakh vos betn
zich tsum tantsn ♪

♪ Bekelakh vi royte pomerantsn ♪

♪ Fiselakh vos betn
zich tsum tantsn. ♪

You know you got a
very nice voice, Gomer.

Thank you.

Now you see, you sing a song,

you relax a little,

and now, I bet
you're hungry again.

Oh, no, ma'am,
not for a long time.

Never mind, we sing
a few more songs

and you'll get hungry again.

Do you like blintzes
with sour cream?

Yoo-hoo, Gomer!

You're home?

Mrs. Gordon.

How'd you get way back here?

Well, they told me I
would find you here,

so I found you here.

Oh, it's all right,
I'm not staying.

I know you're busy.

I just came to bring
you something.

Well, what's that?

Well, Gomer, you know
when you left yesterday,

I felt terrible.

There was so much
good food left over.

So I decided I
would bring it to you.

Oh, Mrs. Gordon, you
shouldn't have done that.

What do you mean, I
have to throw it out anyway.

Well, looks like you
brought an awful lot.

And, well, I'm not
sure my sergeant

will let me keep all that here

in the barracks.

Why shouldn't
he let you keep it?

He just might object.

But why should he object?

Come. Come to your
sergeant and I'll explain.

No, no, no, no, it's
too heavy for you.

Sergeant?

What do you want, Pyle?

You're supposed
to be out on detail.

Yes, sir, I know, but
I was just wondering

if I could ask you a favor?

Whatever it is, the answer's no.

What do you mean "no," Sergeant?

You didn't even hear
yet what the favor is

and already it's "no"?

Huh? Who's this?

Well, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about.

Mrs. Gordon, this
is Sergeant Carter,

and that's Corporal Slater.

How do you do? Mrs.
Gordon was nice enough

to invite me to Sunday
dinner yesterday.

And today she
brought over some food

she thought we might like.

You know, Gomer, when
I look on your sergeant,

I can see here is a
man who likes to eat.

Look at the pair of cheeks.

Look how nice he's filled
out in the front and in the back.

Not like you. Toothpick.

Uh, ma'am... How much did you
weigh when you were born, Sergeant?

I bet you were a small baby.

Sure, small babies
all grow up big and fat.

Uh, Mrs. Gordon...

You want to know
what's in the bag, huh?

I can tell you're an eater.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

You're before lunch
or you're after lunch?

No, we're going to have
our lunch in a few minutes.

So why are you smoking? Huh?

If you're going to
eat, you don't smoke.

So, this is what
I've got in the bag.

Here... Ah... there.

Uh, look, this is all very nice,

uh, Mrs. Gordon, but, uh,

pretty soon they're gonna
be calling us to lunch.

In just a few minutes.

So you'll go to lunch.

This is just a nosh.

A what? A nosh, Sergeant.

That's just a snack.

You tell him, Gomer.

All right, first... You
like chopped liver?

Well, I'm sure it
tastes very good,

but, uh, we got our
lunch waiting for us

in the dining room.
Tell me, Sergeant,

who does the
cooking for you here?

He's a very good
cook. Charley Hacker.

I should live so long
if your Charley Hacker

can make chopped
liver like this.

Here, taste.

Tell me, who has
better chopped liver,

me or Charley Hacker?

This is delicious.

So what are we standing?

Boys, sit, sit.

That's right, it's bad
to eat standing up.

It all goes right to your feet.

This is delicious.

We certainly do appreciate
this, Mrs. Gordon.

If you really appreciate,

you could do me a favor.

Hmm? What's that?

Tonight you'll all come
to my house for dinner.

Oh, we couldn't do that.

No, you don't have
to give us dinner, too.

All right, hold it, I'm
still in charge here.

If Mrs. Gordon says
we're going to dinner,

we're going to dinner.

Oy, ah leban oif dir.

So you'll come,
you'll eat, you'll enjoy.

I forgot something.

To drink.

How can you eat it so dry?

Here, here you are.

And I'll see you
all tonight, yes?

Gomer will show you where to go.

All right, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Gomer, when you come,

you'll bring the
empty seltzer bottle?

It's a deposit.

Hey, you're Mr. Gordon,
Mrs. Gordon's son.

That's right, yeah.

Well, I'm Gomer Pyle.

I don't know whether
your mother told you or not,

but she invited me and
the sergeant and Duke here

to dinner tonight.

No, she didn't say.

She just said she was
having company, that's all.

She's the nicest lady.

And she makes a
heck of a chopped liver.

Can I talk to you
fellas a minute here?

Look, I don't want
to spoil anything,

but, well, this
is just the thing

I'm trying to keep
her away from.

You see, my mother would
cook for the whole world

if she had the chance.

One of the reasons
I set her up out here

was so she would get away
from the drudgery of cooking

and having to work
so hard at her age.

Now, I think she's
earned a rest,

and I'm just trying to
make sure that she'll get it.

Now you guys can
understand that, can't you?

Well, yeah. What
do you want us to do?

Just don't go in.

Just forget about
the dinner invitation.

Well, shouldn't
we at least go in

and explain why we ain't coming?

No. When she finds out
you're not going to show up,

she'll just turn in early
and get a good night's rest.

But she'll be real disappointed.

She's expecting us.

It'll be all right.

Now just don't worry.

But we promised we'd be here.

Pyle, you heard what he said.

He said don't worry about it.

So don't worry about it.

Okay, we'll go.

Thanks. I really
appreciate it. Thanks.

Sergeant, I'm just wondering
if we're doing the right thing.

Huh?

Shouldn't we at least
have told Mrs. Gordon

we're not coming?

That poor little old lady's

going to be sitting
there waiting on us.

Pyle, you heard
what her son said.

He said don't go in.

But she's still going to
wonder what happened.

Look, maybe her
son knows something

he didn't want to tell us.

What do you mean, Sergeant?

What if she's a sick woman
and shouldn't exert herself,

and one more
dinner could kill her?

Do you want that
on your conscience?

Now come on, do you
guys want a pizza or not?

But, Sergeant... What now, Pyle?

Well, even if she
ain't supposed to

exert herself or work,

maybe we could
invite her to dinner.

Couldn't we do that?

Pyle, her son said
to leave her alone,

so let's leave her alone.

He must have a reason.

Well, Sergeant, I'll
feel a whole lot better

if I go back and
see Mrs. Gordon.

I won't tell her that
we saw her son,

but I will ask her to go
have a bite to eat with me.

Okay, Pyle, you
want to get mixed up

in a family deal, go ahead.

Come on, Slater.

Oh, Gomer, you're here.

Well, what happened?

You had an accident?

Where are the others?

Where's the sergeant?

Oh, well, ma'am, they
decided at the last minute

not to come.

Why? What's the matter?

I said something?

Oh, no, of course not.

They just decided not to come,

and since they're not coming,

I thought it might be nice
if I took you out to dinner.

What?

I'd like to take you
out to a restaurant.

Who eats in a restaurant?

You eat in a restaurant
when you're out of town.

Well, please say you'll come.

But everything's
prepared. It'll...

I know, but it will keep.

Why don't you
take the night off,

and for a change, let
somebody wait on you.

How does that sound?

Meshugge.

What's that mean?

It means crazy.

Then you won't come?

I'll come, I'll come.

But it's meshugge.

You have decided, monsieur?

Mrs. Gordon, have you
made up your mind yet?

So much to read.

And the prices...

Now don't you worry about that.

What would you like?

I know, how about a steak?

Have a steak.

We'll have two steak dinners.

Very good, monsieur.

And how do you like the steaks?

How do you like your
steak, Mrs. Gordon?

How should I know?
I didn't taste it yet.

I didn't mean that.

Do you like it rare,
or medium, or...?

Oh, medium, medium, please.

Same for me.

Very good, monsieur.

Want to dance?

Dance?

Well, yeah, it is all right
for you to dance, isn't it?

Well, when I got something
to dance about, I dance.

But when I'm
sitting in a restaurant

and at home I got
a full refrigerator,

I got nothing to dance about.

Come on, let's
give it a try anyway.

What you thinking
about, Mrs. Gordon?

Gomer, you wouldn't believe it.

What?

What you're paying
for those two steaks,

I could make
dinner for 16 people.

And have some to throw out.

Is it good?

Mm. It's a little dry.

That's creamed spinach.

It's a little flat.

How are the mashed potatoes?

It's a little lumpy.

I'm sorry.

Would you like to order
something else, Mrs. Gordon?

No, no, no, it's fine.

You'll excuse me.

Is anything wrong?

No, no. I'll be right back.

Excuse me, sir, the
lady who was with me,

did you happen to
see where she went?

Oh, yes, I did, sir.

You did? Is she all right?

Where is she?

She's not sick, is she?

In there, sir.

Now, in the creamed spinach,
I add a touch of nutmeg

and a teaspoon grated onion.

Here, taste.

You like it?

Delizioso.

Would I lie to you?

The mashed potatoes,
I wouldn't throw out.

I would make a potato kugel.

A potato kugel is easy to make.

You got some gribenes?

Oh, Gomer, I had
such a wonderful time.

I-I can't tell you.

Well, I don't see how
'cause you cooked dinner

for the chef and
his whole staff.

Oh, but it was my pleasure.

Gomer, I didn't embarrass
you though, did I?

Me? How could you embarrass me?

Well, I mean when
I went in the kitchen

there in the restaurant.

Oh, no, ma'am.

And besides, they really
all seemed to enjoy it.

I enjoyed it more than them.

You did, didn't you?

Ah...

Well, that's all that matters.

Uh, when you are
you going to invite me

to have dinner again?

Right now. Come on in.

I got a full refrigerator.

No, ma'am, not right now, but...

well, how about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night,
any night. Abi gezunt.

Well, could I bring
some friends?

Bring friends, bring anybody.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

Just one more thing.

Tomorrow night... is your
son coming to see you?

Yes, I think so.

Or I could call him.

Why? You would like to meet him?

Well, yes, ma'am, I would.

All right, so you'll
come tomorrow night.

Yes, ma'am, and
I'll call you later on

and let you know who
else is coming with me.

Oh, thank you, Gomerela.

Thank you for tonight.

And thank you
for tomorrow night.

You should live to be 125.

Look, I ain't gonna
get myself humiliated

two nights in a row.

What if her son comes in
tonight and tells us to get lost?

Oh, well, I think everything

will be all right
tonight, Sergeant.

Why? Why is tonight different?

Well, since I took her
out to dinner last night,

maybe he won't feel
she's being overworked.

Nothing doing.

Oh, please come, Sergeant.

She was terrible disappointed
you didn't last night.

And she'll feel even worse

if you don't come tonight.

I'm sorry.

She said she'd
make some kreplach.

And since you liked her
chopped liver so much,

she said she'd make
a whole bunch of that.

And she's going to make
one of her specialties...

Gedempte flanken.

I've had it, and it's delicious.

With potato kugel?
With potato kugel.

And tsimmis? And tsimmis.

I'll go, I'll go.

Hi, Mr. Gordon.

Hey, what's going on?

You're surprised to
see me here, aren't you?

Yeah, well, frankly, yes.

My mother called and said
you were anxious to meet me.

Well, not so much me as
really all the other fellers.

Huh? What are you talking about?

What fellas?

Just step inside, Mr. Gordon.

Would you give me that plate.

Thank you very much.

What's going on?

What are you
trying to do, kill her?

No, sir.

And I hope you won't
take offense to my asking,

but... are you
trying to kill her?

Now what's that
supposed to mean?

I guess it just means

that she's going to surely die

if she's not allowed to
do what she wants to do...

And that's doing
things for other people.

But if she's forced
to sit on a park bench

and look out at the ocean,

well, she's just going to get
a lot older before her time,

and it's just going to
surely shorten her life.

Mrs. Gordon, could I
have some of that kugel?

They're eating
it all down there.

Excuse me, boys,
can I have that?

Thank you.

Now tell the truth, Mr. Gordon,

when's the last time you
saw your mother that happy?

Well...

Here. Anybody
want a little bit of this?

Shall we go have
some gedempte flanken?

Why not?

There we are.

All right, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Detail, halt.

Left face.

Dismissed.

Hello. Hello, boys.

Hello, Mrs. Gordon.

I hope you don't mind
I made myself at home

and waited for you.

What are you doing way
out here, Mrs. Gordon?

Two things.

First, I came to bring
you the good news.

What's the good news?

I'm moving back in the
house with my son the CPA.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes, it is nice.

And I know who I got to
thank for it... Gomerela.

Aw... Never mind, "aw."

Sometimes it takes a
stranger to point out something

that your own son
can't understand.

So now my Sol understands,
thanks to Gomer Pyle.

He's real smart, Sergeant.

Who Sol?

Oh, Sol is smart with figures.

But Gomer is smart with people.

What was the other thing

you was going to
tell us, Mrs. Gordon?

Well, the other thing,

as long as I'm giving
up the apartment,

I had to clean out
the refrigerator.

So I brought you
a couple of things.

I put them inside.
It's all right?

Oh, sure.

A nosh.