Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 1 - Car for Sale - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

"Seattle World's Fair."

"Seattle World's Fair."

Memories, memories.

Hey, Sergeant.

Something wrong with your car?

Huh? Oh, no, I'm just
giving her a last cleaning out

before saying good-bye.

Pyle... See this
old rubber horse?

Try and imagine it blown
up with Bunny laying across it

and me pushing her
around San Diego Bay

waving good-bye to the fleet.

Yeah, that's when we were young.

Pyle, look at this basket.

Boy, I wish I had a dime
for every picnic lunch

Bunny packed in this.

Get rid of this, will ya, Pyle.

What is it, Sergeant?

Never mind, just throw it away.

Sergeant, did I hear you
say you was cleaning her out

just before saying good-bye?

Yep. As of today,
the old bus and I

have driven our
last mile together.

From here on in, it'll
be somebody else's foot

on the accelerator.

I don't understand, Sergeant.

I'm selling it, Pyle.

Selling it to Sergeant Hacker.

Boy, if this old
car could only talk.

All them drives Bunny and
me took along the ocean.

Them hot days on the beach

when we used to crawl
under it to get out of the sun.

And the nights...

we used to park up
on Lover's Lookout.

I remember once
when the horn got stuck

and they almost
pushed us off the cliff.

Yeah, the old bus could write
a bestseller, that's for sure.

With all those pleasant
memories, Sergeant,

why are you selling her?

It's costing me, Pyle.

You know cars.

They reach a certain
age and... whamo...

You got to be a millionaire to
keep them in gasoline alone.

You mean you ain't
getting good gas mileage?

12 miles to the
gallon... 12 miles.

I can't afford it.

Not an old car and a girl
that eats like Bunny both.

Sergeant, golly, if it's just
as question of gas mileage,

I'd be glad to look at
your carburetor for you.

Oh, no thanks, Pyle.

Whatever it needs, let
Hacker worry about it.

Me, I'll just take the 250 bucks

and I'll look around
for a small... $250?

Is that all?

Golly, Sergeant, I sure wished
I'd known you was selling her.

I'd have bought it
from you in a second.


Sure, what with
me going into town

to see Lou-Ann every free night.

Why, I figure I could buy a car

just from the savings
of the bus fare alone.


Well, I wish you'd
told me, Pyle.

I'm afraid Sergeant
Hacker beat you to it.

Now, if you don't mind,

I do believe you're keeping
your wheelbarrow waiting.

Well, I'll see you tonight
at the bus stop, Sergeant.

Hey, Sergeant, if I get
there before you do tonight,

you want me to save you a seat?

That way, if it
gets real crowded,

you wouldn't have to sit over
the back wheels or anything.

No thanks, Pyle.

Sergeant Hacker's
going to give me a ride in.

Hey, Vince, take it
easy on my trunk, huh?

You got the dough?

All set, pal, right here.

One, two, three, four,
five, five is ten, ten is 20.

What this? Where's the rest?

Uh, well, it's coming.

Okay, kick in.

Well, look, Vince, I
don't have it all right now,

but I'll pay you the
rest, don't worry.

At ten bucks a week.

Oh, no. No, you don't, Hacker.

Nobody said anything
about buying on time.

You want the car... it's
cash on the barrel top.

But, Vince, you didn't say that.

Well, I'm saying it now.

No $250, no deal.

But, Vince, wait a minute.

I ain't got a minute,
seeing as how I'm keeping

a legitimate cash
customer waiting.

Hey, Pyle.

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

Pyle, are you still
interested in buying my car?

Sure, but I thought you
said Sergeant Hacker...

No, he ain't buying it.

You got the cash,
the car is all yours.


Well, I sure do want it.

Good. And you're
sure you got the cash?

All I got to do is
go over to the bank

during noon chow, if
that's all right with you.

Oh, yeah, fine, Pyle.
That'll be just fine.

Oh, uh, one more thing, Pyle.

It's usually not a good idea

to sell a car to
anybody you know

in case something
goes wrong with it.

I mean, you know
about the rotten mileage,

so don't blame me.

Oh, I know, Sergeant, but maybe
I can do something about that.

I'll take a look
at the carburetor.

Sure, sure.

Well, see you at noon chow.

And you will have
the cash, right?

Oh, you bet, Sergeant,
I'll have the money for you.


Hey, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant Hacker, Corporal.

Guess what? What?

This car you
didn't want... Yeah?

I'm buying it.

You are?!

Just as soon as I
go over the the bank.

I'm sure glad you
decided not to buy it.

It really was my lucky day.

Well, I'll see ya.

How do you like that guy?

Sold his car right
out from under me.

I guess Gomer had the cash.

Yeah, well, don't worry...

I'll take care of that Carter.

I'll fix that welsher, but good.


No. If I know Pyle,
he's just going in

to tell Carter
how great it runs.

Excuse me, Sergeant,
you got a minute?

What's the problem, Pyle?

It's no problem. It's
no problem at all.

I just wanted to tell you how
nice the car's been running.

Fact is, I don't see how a
car could run much better.

Yeah, well, that's nice.

Now go get some sleep,
will ya? Right, Sergeant.

I just wanted to check in.

And thank you, Sergeant.

Thank you for making this

one of the most
thrilling days of my life.

Okay, now.

I'd sure like to know what
you're going to prove, Sarge.

Shh, hold it down.

Boy, this is going to shake
up old Vince pretty good.

Okay, pour it in.

You've heard of gas-lighting
somebody, haven't you?

Well, we're about to gas tank
Carter right out of his skull.

But it ain't Carter's
car anymore, It's Pyle's.

Wait... wait till Carter
hears the mileage

that Pyle thinks he's getting.

Keep pouring.

Hey, Pyle.

Wait a minute, wait up.

You driving into town?

Oh, sure, Sergeant.

You mind if I ride
along with you?

Well, of course not.

It'd be my pleasure.

Hey, the car really looks good.

What did you do?

Oh, just a wax cleaner is all.

After I stripped
all the old wax off,

the paint job wasn't half
as dull as I thought it'd be.

Yeah, well, it
really looks good.

Hey, don't forget to fill 'er
up before you leave the base.

I already did that, Sergeant,

last night before I took
her out for a test run.

How far did you go?

Oh, I must have drove
up and down the coast road

a couple of times.

Couldn't have been
more than 70, 75 miles.

Yeah, well, I guess
we got enough

to get us into town, all right.

We got more than that, Sergeant.

Gas gauge is right on full.


Well, it must be
stuck or something.

I'm telling you, you're
gonna have to gas up

when you hit town for sure.

I'm sorry about the
gas gauge, Pyle.

You know I would have
mentioned it if I'd known about it.

There's no need to
apologize, Sergeant.

I'm sure it ain't stuck.

See, the gauge is
down just a little bit.

I hate to be a killjoy,
Pyle, but I know this car.

It should be riding
on empty by now.

Yes, sir.

Fill it up, please. Yes, sir.

Well, one way or another,
I don't mind telling you,

I'm happy I don't
have to worry about it.

Yes, sir, my one big
problem in life now

is figuring out
what I'm going to do

with all the money
I'm saving on gas.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

What's that?

Oh, this is my car diary.

I like to keep a record of
things like gas mileage and all.

Okay, Pyle. Just as
long as you keep smiling.

That'll be 64 cents.

64 cents?

Two gallons on the
button. That's all she'd take.

That's all?

Did you hear that, Sergeant?

The gauge ain't broke after all.

Let's see... 76 miles...
and two gallons...


Sergeant, you ain't
gonna believe this,

but I'm getting 38
miles to the gallon.

Can you imagine that?

38 miles.

That's impossible.

How can you get 38?

I don't know, but there it is.

You double-check it, but
I'm sure I got my figures right.

Yeah. What'd you do?

You do something to
it, like the carburetor?

No, all I done was turn the
carburetor set screw one time.

And you got 38.

That's impossible.

How could that be?
How could that be?!


Hey, Sergeant, may I come in?

What's up, Pyle?

Sergeant, guess
what? Guess what?

I just had to come
and tell you right away.

It's about my car.

I just had it filled up with
gas again, and guess what?

You're right back down
to 12 miles a gallon?

No, Sergeant, I'm up to 45.


Pyle, you got to be kidding.

No, Sergeant.

I knew you wouldn't believe me,

so I had them
make out a receipt.

See there? 32 cents.

Why, that car's costing
me practically nothing to run.



Did I say something, Sergeant?

Are you mad at me?

Not you, Pyle.

I'm mad at myself.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

That's me!

All hindsight, no front sight.

I don't follow you, Sergeant.

Forget it, Pyle.

The fact is, it's a lot tougher

being without a car
than I ever dreamed.

It is?

Well, not for me
personally, mind you.

It's Bunny, poor kid.

Boy, I never dreamed bus fumes

could hit a person like that.

All through the movie
she was toxic, Pyle, toxic.


And the blisters on her feet.

It just kills me to have to
make her walk everywhere.

Like the other night
on the way home

from the chiropodist,

I had to carry her
almost the whole way.

That's terrible, Sergeant.

Boy, that's rich, ain't it?

Here I sell you the car
because I can't afford it,

and all of a sudden I'm pouring
twice as much money down the drain

on door-to-door cab fares.

But, Sergeant...

Listen, why should I
stand here boring you, huh?

A deal is a deal, right?

I mean, it's my own fault

that I didn't look
before I leaped.

Not that I can explain
that to Bunny's feet.

Sergeant, you don't
have to say another word.

What do you mean?

Sergeant, do you want me
to sell you back your car?

Oh, no.

No, I couldn't.

I couldn't do that to you, Pyle.

But, Sergeant...
Pyle, a deal is a deal.

But really... Pyle, I sold
you the car, and that's it.

Pyle, wait a minute!

Hey, hey, Pyle!

How's the old car running?

Oh, just fine, Sergeant.

Only it ain't mine anymore.

You're kidding!
What do you mean?

Whose is it? I just sold it
back to Sergeant Carter.

Well, how come?

I thought you were
in love with this thing.

Well, actually, it was
more for Miss Bunny's sake,

seeing how her health
was suffering. Her health?

Uh-huh. The poor
thing was getting sick

riding buses and
walking, and the sergeant

needed the car
more than he realized.

Yeah. Well, your sergeant is
one considerate guy, all right.

I mean, how many guys would
go against their better judgment

just for the sake
of a girl, I ask you.

Well, that's the
sergeant, all right.

And the, uh, car belongs
to him again, right?

As of this very minute.

Welcome to step number two.

Now that Carter
owns the car again,

we start siphoning the gas out.

Pyle, what's the
matter with you?

You want to get yourself killed?

Well, hey, Sergeant.

I just missed my bus,
and I was just wondering

If I was going into town.
If you was going into town.

Just like old times, huh?

Okay, Pyle, I guess that's
the least I could do for you.

Well, thank you, Sergeant,
I sure appreciate it.

Don't mention it.

I guess Miss Bunny
was really glad

you got the car back for her.


Oh, yeah, real glad.

I guess you know
you need some gas.

Huh? The needle... it's
setting right on empty.

Wait a minute, Pyle,

didn't you say you
had a full tank last night

when you gave me the keys?

Yeah, Sergeant... It
couldn't have been down

more than a couple
of gallons at the most.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

All I did was drive over to
Harry's Roadside Rest and back.

That can't be more
than four or five miles.

How could it be empty?

Well, maybe it's the gauge.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Yeah, it must be the gauge.

Yeah, yeah, I got plenty of gas.

I just don't understand
it, Sergeant.

There I was, getting
45 miles to the gallon,

and you ain't even getting
the 12 you used to get.

What do you suppose it is?

What'll it be,
boys? Fill 'er up!

Well, that's one consolation:

you don't have to worry
about the gas gauge...

It works just fine.

That stuff really clears up
the sinuses, don't it, Sarge?

Yeah. But it's worth it.

I'd go around with gasoline
breath for the rest of my life

just to see the look on
Carter's face tomorrow.

Oh, no!


Hey, Pyle! Come here!

I know what you're
gonna say, Sergeant.

I know I'm supposed to be
raking up behind the barracks,

but, you see, I swapped
off with Private Blodgett

on account of the goldenrod.

He didn't speak up, but
he's got this terrible allergy...

All I'm interested in is
my car, Pyle, your ex-car.

I want to know what's going on.

Why? Is something
wrong, Sergeant?

Something wrong?! Now
I can't even get it started!

That's how empty
that gas tank is!

Are you sure?

I'm positive!

That's what I can't figure out.

I filled it up last night
before I picked Bunny up.

Let's see, we went
down to the fish pier

and watched them
unload the tuna.

Then we took a drive
up the coast highway

for a taco and a beer.

Then back to the base.

That's about 80 miles,

and the tank holds a
little more than 16 gallons,

which means I'm getting about...

less than five
miles to the gallon.

Five miles to the gallon, Pyle!

Well, that sure don't make
much sense, does it, Sergeant?

Boy, I never should've let you

talk me into buying
this piece of tin back!

Sergeant, are you trying to say

that you want to sell
the car back to me?

Well... not if
you don't want it.

Well, I sure
appreciate it, Sergeant,

but I don't think so.

Why not, Pyle?

Last week you
couldn't wait to buy it!

Well, after you pointed out to
me how I was hardly using it,

I decided you was right.

But I'll be glad to
check it out for you.

Be more than happy to see

if I can find the trouble, if that'll
help out. Yeah, you do that.

Well, uh, hello, Charley.

Boy, now, that's what I call

a real perfectionist, Vince.

You won't be happy till you have
this thing running better than new.

That's right, Charley.

Just like I told Pyle:
"Don't spare the horses."

I want it tuned like a violin,

a regular Stradivari.

No kidding. And you know why?

Because I got ethics.

When I sell a car, I want it
fair and square and honest.

I don't think I
follow you, Vince.

Well, I haven't
posted the notice yet,

but, uh, I got the
car up for sale again.

Oh. Yeah.

I figured I'd buy a
new one after all.

And you know the
kind of rotten deal

they give you on a trade-in,

perfect shape or
no perfect shape.

Yeah. Well, good luck.

Thanks. Not that I'll need it.

Hey, Charley!

Boy, am I dumb!

I just remembered... last
week you were in the market.

That's right, I was. Yeah?

Well, if you're still interested,
I'll give you first crack.

No, I don't think so, Vince,

not if it needs
all that fixing up.

What fixing?

I told you, Pyle is tuning.

It ain't like something
was busted.

Come on, Vince, this
is sunny California.

I got my windows open... I
heard you ranting and raving

about the crummy
mileage you get.

You're kidding!

Right, right, right.

That's why I got Pyle
working on it right now.

Listen, I'll, uh, I'll even
knock the price down a little.

A little? If you want this
conversation to continue,

you'll knock the
price down a lot.

Like how much? Say down
to a hundred bucks even.

A hundred?

You're gonna blow it
again, huh, Charley?

The buy of a century,
and you're gonna blow it,

just like before.

I guess so.

Hold it!

I think I just heard
Pyle calling me.

He must've found the trouble.

Uh, wait here,
uh, don't go away.

Hey, Pyle.

Are you sure you don't
want to buy my car?

Well, no, Sergeant, I
really and truly don't.

Well, okay, Pyle.

I just wanted to give
you one final chance,

seeing as how I got
Hacker foaming at the mouth.

Well, thank you, Sergeant,

but you go ahead
and sell it if you can.


And, Sergeant?

Uh, yeah, Pyle?

I've gone over it with
a fine-tooth comb,

and I'm sorry, but I
can't locate the trouble.

Okay, Pyle.

Get back to your detail!

Well, Pyle didn't
find anything wrong.

It don't even need fixing.

Good, good!

Well, in that case,
I'll give you 75 bucks.

But you just said a hundred.

That was a while ago...
Now it's an older car.

Okay, Hacker,
but only if it's cash.

Cash! Well, if it's
gonna be cash...

65 bucks? You got a deal.

Twenty, forty, sixty, five.

Hey, Sergeant.

I found that extra set of
car keys. I don't want 'em.

Give 'em to Sergeant
Hacker... it's his car now.

Golly! Did you sell the car?

What'd you get for it, Sergeant?

$200 at least, I'll bet.

Pyle! $150?

Car running that smooth's

got to be worth $150.

A hundred?




Sergeant, you didn't...

$65! I sold it for $65!

Now, get out of here!

Watch it, Jensen, you're
sloshing all over the place.

I'm not sloshing...
it's leaking.

Okay. Let's get
the gas in the car

and hide these cans
before Carter gets back.

You really think he'll
be able to figure it out?

Let's not take any
chances. Hey, Sarge!

Uh-oh, it's Carter!

Get these cans in the trunk.

And then beat it!

Hey-hey-hey, what's up, Vince?

You change your mind again?

No, I just thought I'd bring
you an extra set of car keys. Oh.

You smell gas?

Uh, gas?

No, I don't smell anything.

Must be that new
aftershave lotion you're using.

I got something for you,
Vince. Yeah? What's that?

A cigar.

Just to seal our
bargain on the car.

You sure this ain't one of
them gag exploding ones?

Boy, you certainly are
a suspicious guy, Vince,

you know that?

And you know
something else you are?

You are ungracious.

You are definitely
an ungracious guy.

I'd hate to be married to
you. Knock it off, will ya?

It's your car!

Fire! Fire!

Hey! Hey, grab a
fire extinguisher!

Give 'em a hand! Come on!

Somebody call
the fire department!

What happened?

How could a car
blow up just like that?

Well, what do you
suppose it was?

Do you think it's the gas tank?

Maybe somebody left a
cigarette burning in the car.

Oh, Hacker? What?

Here are the keys to your car.


Hey, Pyle!

Wait up.

Hey, Sergeant.

What did Sergeant Hacker want?

Well, I don't know whether
you'd approve or not.

What? What? Tell me.

Well, your car...

I mean, your car
before it was my car

before it was his car...

Yeah, what about it?

Well, it's my car again.

Your car?

You mean the car that blew up?

The car that burned?
You mean that car?

That's right.

Pyle, how can
you be that stupid?

You got to be
kidding to be so dumb

as to let somebody sell
you a piece of junk like that.

But, Sergeant... What
are you, Mr. Nice Guy?

Sergeant Hacker's car
burns, so you feel sorry for him,

and you buy it from him.

That's not nice, that's stupid,

just plain stupid!

But I didn't buy it, Sergeant.

Huh? Well, you
said it was yours.

Well, Sergeant
Hacker gave me $20

to take it off his
hands as junk.

He did? Uh-huh.

And do you know
something, Sergeant?

This car ain't done for.

You can restore
a burned-out car.

I can get a new windshield
here, some new upholstery,

and give her a new paint job...

Nobody'll ever
know the difference.

Aw, come on. And I'm gonna
try and get her into shape.

And if I do, do you think
you might be interested,

seeing as how Miss Bunny
can't ride buses and things?

Well, if you're getting
pretty good mileage

and the gas gauge works...

What am I talking about?!