Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 8 - A Child Shall Lead Them - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Sergeant Carter?

Sergeant Carter? Huh?

Sergeant, you
should just see it.

You should just see it! Huh?

Just see what?
The Capitol Building.

The sun just come
out from behind a cloud

and the dome is glistening
bright as anything.

That's nice.

Sergeant, you know,
I was just thinking.

You and I hadn't had a chance
to do any sightseeing together

since we've been
here in Washington,

and since I don't have to
rehearse for the show today,

I thought now might
be a good time to do it.

Uh-huh. The hotel
clerk downstairs

gave me these tourist brochures

and I thought it might
be fun if we went over

and had a look at the
Library of Congress.

Library of Congress,
huh? Uh-huh.

And then we could head on
over to the Bureau of Engraving

and watch them
print up some money,

then maybe to the
US Navel Observatory

or the Botanical Gardens.

Sounds very interesting, Pyle.

I hope you have a great
time. Oh, I'm sure I will...

Well, ain't you coming? Uh, no.

Uh, I happen to have
a very important date

with a certain
Miss Rose Pilcheck.


That little number at
the All American Café?

She's got the day off.

Well, it's such a perfect
day for sightseeing, Sergeant.

I'd just hate for you
to miss all these sights.

Rose is like one of the family.

And I'd hate to disappoint her.

Well, if she's family,

why don't you bring her along?

Pyle, this kinda family

you don't take to the
Bureau of Engraving.

Now if you don't
mind I gotta get going.

I promised Rosy I'd
pick her up at 11:30.

Well, okay, Sergeant.

But later on if you and
Miss Pilcheck get bored,

we could arrange to meet
at the Jefferson Memorial.

That's a perfect place
to meet and meditate.

If you don't believe me,

they got some
pictures in here of it.

Of course there's lots
of places we can meet.

We can meet at the FBI Building.

Oh, here it is, here's
the Jefferson Memorial.

And there's just a whole slew
of pictures, see, Sergeant?

Sergeant Carter?

Sergeant Carter?



Taxi! Taxi!

Sergeant, look.

The Jefferson
Memorial. Yeah, yeah.


Sergeant, even if we
don't all get together,

I still think that you
and Miss Pilcheck

should try to take
in some of the sights.

It is really thrilling
and educational

to be so close to the
seat of our government.

And it really makes
you feel proud.

Makes you feel like this really is
the land where our Fathers died

and the land of the
Pilgrim's Pride... Pyle,

what are you talking about?


America, Sergeant.

Don't you get a certain
feeling just being here?

I'm getting a feeling I'm
never gonna get a taxi.

Hey there, young feller.

What'cha doing
over here by yourself?

You better get
up off the street.

Where are your folks?

And why aren't
you in school today?

Taxi! Taxi!

Boy, oh, boy.

It's murder to try to
get a cab around here.

What's this, Pyle?

Where'd the kid come from?

I don't know, Sergeant.

I just saw him over
here looking kinda lost.

And I started talking to
him, but he won't answer me.

Maybe you'd have more luck.

What's the matter, kid?

Something wrong?

C'mon, say something.

That's Japanese.

He says he's lost and
he wants to go home.

Golly. How'd you know that?

I spent a lot of
time in the Far East,

Pyle, you know that.

Don't you speak English, kid?

What'd he say, Sergeant?

What'd he say? He
says he's from Japan.

His name is Toki.

He sure is a long way from home.

I wonder what he's doing
way over here in Washington.

He's probably with one
of them embassy families.

Doggone, how you talk that!

I guess he ain't.

He must be with tourists

or some people over on business.

The best thing to do is
turn him over to the police

and let them take care of it.

The police?

Well, it seems a shame
to do a thing like that.

Well, what are we going
to do with him, Pyle?

The police are set up
to take care of lost kids.

I suppose you're right.

It's probably the
only thing to do.

But then you better explain
to him first in Japanese

so he'll know what we're doing.



Sergeant, I don't
think he likes the idea.

Look how frightened he is.

Well, what do you want me to do?

I'm late for a date.

Well, just look at him.

A little boy all alone
in a strange city.

It can be a
terrifying experience.

I remember once
when I was little,

my momma took me shopping

to Mossbacher's Department Store

and I got lost back there in
the gardening department.

There I was back there playing

among the lawnmowers,

and when I looked
up she was gone.

And boy, I was really scared.

Even to this day when I see
somebody out mowing a lawn,

I get a sick feeling right
in the pit of my stomach.

Well, what do you
suggest we do with this kid,

adopt him?

No, Sergeant, but I think

the friendly thing to do

would be to get his
address and take him home.


I'll get his address,

but forget about taking him.

I got no time.

We'll put him in a cab.

2130 MacArthur Boulevard...

He lives at 2130
MacArthur Boulevard.

Good going, Sergeant.

That's what I call real
good detective work.

Yeah, let's get him home.

Now all we need is a taxi.

Try and get one.


How did you do that, Pyle?

How did you get a taxi so fast?

I don't know, Sergeant.

I just grinned and waved.

Come on.

Driver, take the kid

to 2130 MacArthur Boulevard.

Here, this ought to cover it.

And drive real slow.

'Cause he's probably
not used to anything

faster than rickshaws.

Hey, kid, what are
you doing here?

Get back in the cab.
You're going home.

I mean...

What'd he say, Sergeant?

What? Oh, great!

He's afraid to go alone.

Well, maybe I better
ride along with him

and keep him company.

Good idea. Get going.

Sergeant, there's just
one problem, though.


Well, what if an
emergency comes up?

An emergency?

Well, yeah, suppose he
gets sick and tries to tell me.

I won't be able to understand.

And what if his
folks are not home?

What'll I do with him?

Sergeant, come with us, please.

All right! All right!

We'll both take him.

I'll have to call Rosy

and tell her I'll
be a little late.

You and your lost kids.

Wait in the taxi.

Vince, where are you?

Anything wrong?

Well, I just called to tell you

I'll be a little late, Rosy.

I was on my way over when
Pyle ran into this lost kid.

Lost kid?

Yeah, of all times.

The kid's Japanese

and I'm the only one
that can understand him,

so I'm trapped into
taking him home.

Vince, what a nice thing to do.

It is?


You taking the time and
trouble to help a child in need.

I think it's marvelous.

Marvelous, yeah.

Well, that's just
what I said to Pyle

when we found the little fella.

"Here's a marvelous chance,"
I said, "to do a good turn."

I mean, what kind
of person are you

if you can't help
out a poor lost kid?

You know, Vince, this is a side
of you I've never seen before.

You know what you got?


Yeah, well, kids and
animals are my weakness.

Probably be my undoing.

Oh, don't say that, honey.

Why, it's a quality in
a man I really admire.

It is?

Well, look, Rosy baby,

I'll be right over just as
soon as I dump the kid...

I mean, take the child home.

Well, take your time, honey.

I'm not ready, anyway.

Just fixing my face.

Don't overdo it, baby.

There's no use
fooling with perfection.

Oh, Vince.

Uh, look, Rosy, I got to go now.

The meter's running.

I'll be there
before you know it.

What's going on? This
is an amusement park.

This must be the place.

Just look at the way
his face is beaming.

His house must be
around here somewheres.

Yeah, he seems to
recognize it, all right.

I don't get it. I just
don't get it, Pyle.

This don't seem to be a home,

unless they got a roller
coaster in their living room.

I just don't understand
it, Sergeant.

Maybe you got the wrong address.

Maybe you got your
Japanese mixed up.

Look, Pyle, there's nothing
wrong with my Japanese.

Now the only thing
to do with this kid

is to turn him over to the cops
like I wanted to do in the first place.

Please, Sergeant,
let's don't do that.

Ask him one more time and I'm
sure he'll give you the right address.


Please, Sergeant,
just one more time.

It won't take long and
you'll be on your way.

All right, kid, we're going
to try it one more time,

and this time get it right.

Let's have it.

Did he tell you, Sergeant?

He wants to go on a
ride first before he'll talk.

How do you like that?

You know, Sergeant, that
might not be a bad idea.

It might be just the thing.


That's using child psychology.


Well, lots of times,
the only way to get

anything out of a child
is by humoring him.

And if we give him a ride

then he'll be nice and relaxed

and then he'll tell
us where he lives.

Oh, no.

No kid is going to blackmail me.

No, sir.

Sergeant, he might
not tell us otherwise.

Then answer is no, Pyle. N-O.

There will be no
rides, is that clear?

No rides!

What are you doing in an
amusement park, Vince?

You see, honey, the little lost
kid gave us the wrong address.

And I'm waiting for him to
come up with the right one.

In the meantime, I'm
using child psychology.


Yeah, the best way

to get things out of a
child is to humor him.

Well, that's fine, Vince,
but meantime this is

my only day off, and
this apartment is stifling.

And I can't keep taking
showers, so you'd better hurry.


Oh, you know what else is good?

You take cold wash clothes

and you wrap 'em around
your wrists... Hello? Hello?

All right, Pyle, is the
kid all humored up now?

Is he ready to talk?
Because time is running out

on me and my date,
so this better be it.

I think he's nice and
relaxed now, Sergeant.

He'll probably tell
you, so ask him.

All right, kid, now...

Come on, come
on, I'm asking you...


Did you hear that, Pyle?

Did you hear the latest?
He don't remember.

Well, what do we do now?

Don't just stand there with your
mouth open, what do we do now?

He don't remember. He
says he don't remember.

Excuse us, Toki.

Well, what's the excuses?

He don't understand you.

Sergeant, a terrible
thought just occurred to me.

You know what I think he's got?

I think the poor little
feller's got amnesia.


Yeah, that's probably the reason

he can't remember
his right address.

I remember seeing this movie
once about an amnesia victim

called Make Way For Mr. Nobody.

There was this concert violinist

and he was in this accident,
and he woke up in the hospital

and couldn't
remember who he was.

Well, he fell in
love with his nurse

and they was
about to get married,

but he didn't realize

that he already had
a wife and four kids...

Three boys and a girl.

Pyle, what is all this?

What does it have
to do with the kid?

Well, don't you see, Sergeant?

It could be like the
feller in the movie.

All right, Pyle, let's
just say you're right.

Supposing the kid
does have amnesia,

that's all the more reason

to turn him over
to the authorities

and let them handle him.

Oh, no, Sergeant, that
might make it worse.

At least he knows who we are,

but the authorities, they'd
be complete strangers to him.

He might not ever talk to them.

So what do you suggest?

Well, we could give
him a few more rides

and little by little, as he
gets to know us better,

he'll relax and
start remembering.

Okay, Sergeant?

Okay, okay.

Boy, it's a lucky thing
you speak Japanese.


What does that mean?


Just look at the little feller,

Sergeant, having
the time of his life.

You'd never know to look
at him that he's got amnesia.

Maybe now he don't.

Are you having a good time?

Are you enjoying yourself?


It worked. Did you
hear that, Pyle?

He told me where he lives.

He lives at 15th and
Ohio Drive Southwest.

How about that?

I knew it, Sergeant, I knew it.

It was your patience
and understanding

and willingness
to take the time.

Sergeant, you're one of
the most patient men I ever...

Come on, come on, let's go.

Swan Boat Rides?

This is a boat rental place.

He did it to us again.

Oh, Sergeant, you
know what I think?

I think this
poor little feller's

done got his self a relapse.

Poor, poor little boy.

The boat basin?

What are you doing
way out over there?

Well, it's a long story, honey,

but I came up with
a fantastic diagnosis.

The kid's got himself
a case of amnesia.


Is that what you said?

Yeah, that's a medical
term for loss of memory.

I know what it means, Vince.

But what's that got to do

with you being out
there with the boats?

Well, I know it sounds weird,

but it's all part
of the therapy.

In fact, I got Pyle out
on the boat right now

trying to bring the kid around.

When are you going to
bring yourself around, Vince?

We were supposed
to have lunch together,

and here it is, almost 2:00.

Yeah, well, what do you say
we make it an early dinner?

You name the restaurant...

Champagne, candlelight,
dancing to the jukebox,

just the two us...
And then after that...

Hello, hello?

Hello? Hello?

Well, okay, did
the kid get his ride?

No, Sergeant, we waited on you.


Toki insisted.

He won't do
anything without you.

Pyle, I don't have
time for a boat ride.

Don't tell me what he said,
Sergeant, or I think I'll cry.

My, my, that was
really relaxing.

I don't think Toki's
ever been so relaxed.

Why don't you ask
him now, Sergeant?

Don't worry, I will.

He told you, didn't
he, Sergeant?

Take it easy, Pyle.

How do we know this is
really the right address?

Well, Sergeant, from
all I've ever heard

about amnesia victims,

they start remembering
things gradually,

like that feller in the movie.

All I know is this kid has given
us two bum steers already.

But don't you see, Sergeant?

He could remember all kinds of
addresses before he hits the right one.

But I'm sure this is it,
Sergeant. I just know it is.

So this is it, huh, Pyle?

East Capitol and
22nd North East,

also known as D.C. Stadium.

The home of the
Washington Senators!

I just don't
understand, Sergeant.

Well, I do.

This whole thing is nothing
but a great big put-on

and he's an out-and-out
little phony. Phony?

Look at the evidence.

His first address was
an amusement park,

then he took us for a boat ride

and we wind up
here at the ballpark.

Doesn't that look a little
suspicious, Pyle, even to you?

Well, I'll admit it
does, Sergeant,

but I'm sure there's
an explanation.

I suppose we should
take him in there,

and while he's relaxing,
watching the ball game

he'll come up with
the right address.

Say, that might just work...
Give him one more chance.

That's a great idea, Sergeant.

Yeah? Well, you take
him in, because I'm leaving.

I have had it. My
babysitting job is over.

But, Sergeant...

Good-bye, Pyle.
Good-bye and good luck.

Enjoy the ball game,
have a good time.

I'll see you around.

And Toki... sayonara.

That's right, Toki, I'm leaving.


What'd he say, Sergeant?

Nothing... nothing.

He said something
nice. What'd he say?


He said, "Good-bye, Daddy."

Ah, ain't that nice.

Well, good-bye, Sergeant.

And thank you for everything,
and don't worry about us.

We'll do the very best we can.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, so long.

Come on.

Rosy, listen, this is it, I
swear... the kid's last chance.

If he don't come up with
the right address I'm through,

I'm washing my hands
of the whole thing.

Really, Vince?

Oh, absolutely, honey.

For the rest of the
day I'll be yours.

All mine.

Oh, that's wonderful, Vince.

I can hardly wait.

Oh, honey, then you
really understand?

Of course I understand, Vince.

I understand that I spent ten
bucks to have my hair done

and another five bucks for
a facial, which I never get,

and here I am standing with
a whole new head for nothing!

Rosy... And I'll tell
you something else.

Nobody else ever
did this to me before...

Make a date with
me and stand me up!

I spent all day getting ready

and went out and
bought a brand-new dress.

Just who do you
think you are, you...?

Hey, Sergeant, look,
the bases are loaded

with the tying run on third.

Oh, that's very interesting.

I don't know who's up next,

but he sure is in a
position of responsibility.

He called him out!
He called him out!


He's safe by a mile!

What's the matter,
ump, you blind?!

You hear that, Pyle,
the kid speaks English.


All right, come on.

All right, you little
phony, now let's have it.

We want the
whole story and fast.

And don't give us
that Japanese routine.

You know how to speak English.

All right, kid,
where do you live?

The truth, let's have it.

Okay, I'll tell the truth.

I live at the Japanese embassy.

Did you hear that, Pyle?

Did you hear that?

When I asked him before
he denied he lived there.

That wasn't a very
honest thing to do, Toki.

Why didn't you
tell us the truth?

I was afraid if I told
you, you'd take me there.

Huh? GOMER: Well,
if that's your home

why wouldn't you
want to go there?

Well, I stay at the
embassy all the time.

I've been in Washington
many months

and never go
anyplace but school.

I never see anything.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

If you ask me, you're nothing
but a spoiled rotten little kid,

and a con artist.

And if I was your father,
I'd bend you over my knee

and whale the tar out of you.

I'm sorry, and I apologize.

But you see, I thought
the only way to have fun

was to make American friends.

And you're sure good
friends, because I think today

was the nicest day I
ever had in my whole life.

Thank you, Sergeant
and thank you, Gomer.

You know something?

I think it was a nice day, too.

Come on, Sergeant, now I'll
really show you where I live.

Wait a minute, what's the rush?

The game ain't over yet.

Don't you want to take me home?

I'll take you home when
I'm good and ready.

Now come on, let's
see the rest of the game.

Now remember, we're just
going to drop him off and beat it.

I called up and told them

we were bringing
him home and that's it.

Okay, Sergeant,
but what's the hurry?

Well, I've been thinking...

Maybe if I gave
Rose another call...

She may have cooled down by now,

and I can talk her into
going out with me tonight.

That's a good idea, Sergeant.

When she hears the whole story,

I'm sure she'll forgive you.

And I'll back you
up all the way.

Toki... This is my sister.

Your sister...

Miyoshi, these are my friends...

Gomer Pyle and Sergeant Carter.

Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Yes, we certainly are glad
to make your acquaintance.

Thank you, Sergeant.

You have been
kind to my brother,

and my family is very grateful.

Oh, don't even
bother to mention it.

I mean, we had all the fun.

And I don't know when
I've seen a nicer boy.

Please come in. Won't
you join us for tea?


No thank you, ma'am.
Sergeant Carter's got

some real important social
business to take care of.

Pyle... He's trying
to patch things up

with his girlfriend,
Rose Pilcheck.

They had this little

Oh, I see.

Well, it's nothing
really urgent and I...

Sergeant, you've given us
too much of your time already.

But, I... Perhaps another time.

Thank you again.

Come, Toki.

Pyle, do you know what you did?

She was about to
invite me in for tea.

Yeah, I know, Sergeant,

and wasn't we
lucky to get out of it?

You could have been
stuck in there for hours.

Pyle... Never mind.
Don't talk to me.

Just don't talk to me...