Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 4 - A Leader of Men - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Why Pyle? Why?

You wanted a hard worker?

Pyle's the hardest
worker in my platoon.

I still don't want
him in my kitchen.

The guy is trouble.

He's always in some
kind of accident.

That's not true, not true.

Pyle is never in an accident.



He's like the little old lady
driving along the freeway.

He causes accidents,
but he's never in them.

I want somebody else.

Look, Charlie, the
C.O.'s orders say

you're supposed to get
one man from each platoon.

It doesn't say what kind
of a man, just a man.

And by all legal and
military definitions,

Pyle fits that description.

You've got him.

But this officers
breakfast is important.

It's for some real
VIP's. Sure, sure.

Probably the head of the
local bird-watchers society.

That's the kind of VIP's we get.

Aw, Vince, you wouldn't...



Look, Charlie, what
are you worried about?

Just put Pyle in the
kitchen peeling potatoes.

That boy peels real good.

And that way he won't
get into any trouble.

So I'm stuck with him, huh?

Maybe any other day I
wouldn't do this to you,

but this morning my
platoon has got field practice

with live grenades, and
I'd feel a whole lot safer

with Pyle in your kitchen
peeling your potatoes

than I would him in my
field dropping my grenades.

Looks fine, Sergeant, just fine.

I gave it everything I had, sir.

Congressman Travers is a member

of a very important
congressional committee.

He'll be accompanied by
Brigadier General Dawson.

Now, this is the first stop
on our tour of inspection.

Wouldn't want anything to
go wrong, now, would we?

No, sir. What about service?

Service? Service!

Uh, yes. Well, I put on an
extra waiter and a busboy,

and there's special
help in the kitchen.

Coffee... who's in
charge of coffee?

In charge? Nothing
more important

to a breakfast than
coffee, piping hot.

As General's Dawson's
aide, I can tell you

that that is the one
thing he insists on.

In fact, he... Yes,
Private, what is it?

Excuse me, I just want to
speak to Sergeant Hacker,

but you go right ahead...
I can wait till you finish.

No, no, go ahead. Yes, sir.

Sergeant Hacker, I
just wanted to tell you

that I finished peeling
all the potatoes,

and I didn't feel right
standing around the kitchen.

You know what they say...
Satan finds work for idle hands.

Peel the dinner potatoes.

Oh, well, I've already
peeled them, too.

Fact is, I peeled right
through till tomorrow's lunch,

and I would have done them, too,

but we don't have
no more potatoes.

There's some cabbage
needs chopping.

Done that, too, and I
scrubbed the celery,

washed the lettuce
and fluffed up

the turnip greens.

Well, get in the kitchen.

I'll think of
something. Yes, sir.

Just a minute,
Private. Yes, sir?

I have something for you to do.

I'm putting you in charge

of pouring the
coffee at breakfast.

Golly!

Uh, but, sir, he
hasn't done any...

He's obviously a
very willing worker,

and just the kind of man
I want at the breakfast.

Private, all you have
to do is make sure

that those cups are never empty,

that they're kept full of
hot coffee, understand?

Yes, sir, and I
really appreciate

your confidence in me.

Breakfast will be
at exactly 08:00.

Aye, aye, sir.

Good morning.

He's a real nice fella...

All right, Pyle, you're
in charge of coffee,

but that's all,
understand? Nothing else.

Just pour and keep
your mouth shut! Yes, sir.

Why did I have to
run out of potatoes?

Gentlemen.

There you are, sir.

Well, this is nice.

I hope you had a nice
flight in from Washington, sir.

Well, it was more
than a mite bumpy.

Took a lot out of me.

I feel like I been rode
hard and put away wet.

Well, I'm sure a good breakfast

will make you feel a lot better.

Thank you.

Colonel, I hope you haven't got
anything special planned for me.

Well, we did have

a few events
scheduled, just to...

Well, if it's all the same to
you, I'd rather you wouldn't.

I'd just kind of like
to mosey around

and see the boys as they go
through their regular routine.

Very well.

Hot.

Hmm.

Would you like some,
uh, cream and sugar?

Yes, I would, please.

Gentlemen.

How about...? All right.

Thank you.

That's good... Thank you.

It's all right to set
back in Washington

and make appropriations,
but I always like to go out

and see what the people
are getting for their money.

Now, that's a very
worthy sentiment, sir.

Hmm. Just right.

Good.

Of course, gentlemen, I
can't always find the time

to make as many
trips as I would like to.

Well, we certainly
hope you'll be pleased

with what you see here.

I expect I will.

What in tarnation?! I...

I'm sorry, Congressman.

It's all my fault.

I should have remembered
that you're a civilian,

and you don't like
your coffee stove hot,

but if you'd like me
to cool it off real quick,

I can saucer and
blow it for you.

Pyle, I think you better find
something to do in the kitchen.

Have somebody else
take over for you here.

No, no, no, please,
Colonel. It's all right.

I'm sure it wasn't this
young fellow's fault.

Saucer and blow, huh?

I haven't heard that expression
since I was back home.

Where are you from, son?

Well, I was born
on a little farm

just an itty bitty ways
outside Mayberry.

See, Mayberry's
about 30 miles from...

I know exactly where it is.

Why it's right in the
middle of my district.

You're one of my
constituents, son.

I'm Congressman Judson Travers.

Shazam!

Well, I'm Gomer Pyle.

Don't you recognize me?

Well, I don't guess you would,
'cause I didn't recognize you.

Oh, now just a minute.

I pride myself on
my recollection,

but I swear I don't remember

ever speaking with you,
or even shaking your hand.

Well, that's cause that
wasn't what you did.

Well, what did I do?

You kissed me.

I kissed you?

I was just a little bitty baby,

and it was at the Fourth of
July Grange Hall Festival.

And right after your speech,
my mama held me up,

and you kissed me right
there on the top of my head.

Made my folks so proud.

They ain't never voted
for anybody else since.

Well, I declare,

it sure is nice talking to
somebody from back home.

Sit down here and have
some breakfast with me, Gomer.

Uh, waiter, would you
please get a chair here?

Well, I couldn't,
Congressman, I-I just couldn't.

And besides that, I've
already had my breakfast.

Well, that's all right.

Sit down here and talk
to me while I have mine.

You don't mind,
do you, Gentlemen?

Well... Uh... No, of
course they don't.

Here, here. Get this
boy a cup of coffee.

There. Well, now.

Why didn't you tell me
about this before, Boyle?

Huh? Why didn't you?

Because I didn't
know about it before.

Well, that's no excuse.

That's all I need... a
general, a congressman.

Hold it.

Why am I getting excited?

It's Hacker's mess hall.

If anything goes wrong,
he'll get blamed for it.

No, he won't.

Pyle's in my platoon.

They'll blame me.

Sure they will.

Wait a minute.

Blame me for what?!

What could happen?

Pyle's in the kitchen
peeling potatoes.

He can't get in any
trouble peeling potatoes.

Yeah, what kind of trouble
can he get into peeling potatoes?

He can get in a lot of trouble.

There's a door that goes

from the kitchen into
the officers' mess.

That's all Pyle needs... a door.

He goes through it,
he's in the officers' mess.

He says something,
he does something.

He doesn't mean to
do it, but he does it.

And there go my stripes,
my pension, my career!

I got to get over
there on the double!

What are you going to do?

Nothing, but if I'm gonna
get thrown out of the Marines,

at least I want
to know what for!

And then for no reason at all,

Ada Mae Kilbourne...

She jilts old Judson Brown
and marries Pudge Edens.

Well, I declare.

Well, Gomer, you sure have
filled me in on the home folks.

But now, how about you, Gomer?

Are you happy
here in the Marines?

Oh, yes, sir, I sure am.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

And what rank do you hold?

Oh, I'm moving right along.

I'm Private First Class now.

Private First Class.

Well, that's fine.

How long you
been in the Marines?

Over three and a half years.

Three and a half years?

Well, shouldn't you have been

at least a corporal
by this time?

Oh, they'll move me along
as soon as they see fit to.

They just haven't
seen fit to yet.

Excuse me, sir.

The photographer's here.

You said you wanted
some pictures taken.

Ooh, yes, thank you.

Oh, well, I'll just
get out of your way.

No, you don't.

You set right down
here and pose with me.

You know, this'll look real good

in the newspapers back home.

That's it. Now, smile, son.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Uh, General, why don't
you and the colonel kind of

scrunch around here
and get in the picture, too?

All right. That's it.

Right around here.
That's it, Colonel.

There. Now, just kind of
put your arm around him

so everybody'll look nice
and friendly-like. That's it. Now.

Smile!

Well, gentlemen,
I want you to know

that I was real impressed
with what I saw here today.

I just hope that other
Marine installations

I visit here on the coast
will be up to your standards.

Thank you, Congressman.
Thank you very much.

However, there is one
little thing that bothers me.

Now, it may be
none of my business,

and I certainly do
not want to interfere,

but I just can't figure out

how an intelligent,
likeable, willing young man

like Gomer Pyle hasn't been
promoted to Corporal yet.

Well, I think I can answer
that for the Colonel.

When that much time
elapses without a promotion,

it's usually a
disciplinary problem.

Overstaying his leave,

failing to obey orders promptly,
something of that nature.

Isn't that so, Colonel?

Yes, sir, but in Pyle's case,

I can't recall any
serious infractions.

Oh, there has to
be, I'm sure of it.

If you have the
time, Congressman,

we could check Gomer
Pyle's service record right now,

and I'm sure you'd
find that to be the case.

Well, I reckon I could
spare the time for Pyle.

I like that boy.

It's absolutely impeccable.

There's not a mark against him.

Why, I didn't have

that good a record when I
first enlisted in the Marines.

I was sure his
slate was clean, sir.

Then how do you
account for the fact

that he hasn't been promoted?

Yeah. I'm a bit curious myself.

Colonel Gray, can you explain

why a likeable, intelligent,
willing young man

like Gomer Pyle hasn't been
promoted to Corporal yet?

Captain Myers, can you explain

why a likeable and
willing young man

like Gomer Pyle hasn't been
promoted to Corporal yet?

Lieutenant Burke,
can you explain

why a willing young
man like Gomer Pyle

hasn't been promoted
to Corporal yet?

Sergeant Carter, can you explain

why Gomer Pyle has not
been promoted to Corporal yet?

Corporal?!

But sir, I had to break my back

just to make him
Private First Class!

Well, there goes
your back again.

But Lieutenant, a
corporal has to be able

to take over the platoon
in case of an emergency.

He's got to be a leader,
and that's one thing Pyle ain't.

Sergeant... I'd hate to call
you that for the last time...

Somebody up front
wants Pyle advanced,

and when somebody
up front wants something,

it's our job to do it, so do it.

Yes, sir.

Pyle is now your
personal problem.

All those sterling qualities
of leadership you have,

you will teach to Pyle.

That shouldn't be
difficult, should it?

Pyle, remember when
you first joined up,

they said it would be impossible

to get you through boot camp,

but I did it, didn't I?

Yes, Sergeant, you sure did.

I guess I must have
looked pretty hopeless then.

Yeah.

Nobody ever thought you
would make Private First Class,

but I got you through
that, too, didn't I?

That's right.

I guess you might say you've
made me everything I am.

Yeah.

Well...

now we're going to do
the impossible again.

You've been in the Marines

for three and a half
years now, Pyle,

and it's time you
stepped up to Corporal.

Corporal?

I don't know, Sergeant.

Ain't you bringing
me along too fast?

Well, it's part of my job to
see that you get ahead, Pyle.

Now you wouldn't want to keep
me from doing my job, would you?

No, Sergeant, I
wouldn't want to do that.

Okay.

Now, to be a corporal,

you got to learn how
to be a leader of men,

give orders, like I
do every morning.

Platoon, fall out on the double!

Come on, you knuckleheads!
Move it! Move it! Move it!

Now you try.

Oh, Sergeant...

Come on, Pyle,
now, just like I did.

Well... Platoon, fall in.

On the double.

Come on, you knuckleheads.

Move it. Move it. Move it.

Can't you do better than that?

Can't you at least put a
little authority in your voice?

Now, come on, let's hear it!

Platoon, fall in!

On the double!

Come on, you... Oh, Sergeant...

I just can't.

I never could do
it as good as you.

The way your little
eyes just squinch up

and get real mean looking.

And them veins on your
forehead just pop out,

and your hair bristles
up just like a hog

that's been rooted out
of his favorite mud hole.

You just got a
natural talent for it.

Just a natural talent.

Yeah, I guess I have,

and we're just gonna have
to find it somewhere in you.

Now, come on!

Let's hear it again.

Platoon, fall in.

On the double.

Come on, you knuckleheads.

Move it, move it, move it.

Platoon, fall in.

On the double.

Come on, you knuckleheads.

Move it, move it, move it.

Platoon, fall in!

Come on, you knuckleheads...

Move it! Move it! Move it!

All right, listen up.

Now I want these barracks
cleaned until they shine.

And I'm leaving a man in charge.

Pyle, step forward.

Yes, sir?

You're in charge of the detail.

You got that? Pyle is in charge.

But it's just as if I was here.

All right, carry on.

Pyle, what are you doing?!

Well, Sergeant, are you sure

you want me to be in charge?

That's right, Pyle.

It's the sink or swim principle.

Throw you in the water
and you learn to swim.

Put you in charge
and you learn to lead.

Now get back in there!

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute,
fellers, don't go away.

Sergeant Carter!
Sergeant Carter!

Get back in there!

Fellers, uh,

I-I-I guess I have to give
you your assignments.

Course, if anybody
would like to volunteer

for anything, it would
make it a whole lot easier.

Well, uh... fellers,
then I guess

I'll have to give
you your orders.

Buck, you don't mind
doing the windows, do you?

Thank you, kindly.

And Marvin, you do the
woodwork, would you?

And Charlie and Jack,

if you don't mind, you all can

take care of the sweeping.

And, Tony, you do the dusting.

And, and, Phil...

well, I guess that leaves you

with scrubbing the floors, okay?

Now, has everybody...?

Buck, I think you'll

find you'll get better results

if you go straight up and down.

And that way, you don't
miss any of the corners.

Here, let me show
you how I always do it.

See? You go straight
up and down like that...

Excuse me just a minute.

Charlie, if you don't
mind my saying so,

I think you can do
a whole lot better job

if you take long stokes
instead of short ones.

Here, let me show you.

This is the way I always do it.

Now some folks prefer going
around in circles like this,

and others prefer going
up and down like this.

Now, don't ask me to take sides.

I like them both...
All right, all right!

What's going on here?

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

I'm being a corporal.

Okay, Pyle is gonna drill ya.

And you will obey his commands

just as if I was giving 'em.

Because I'm gonna be
standing right here watching you.

Okay, Pyle, take over.

I said take over.

Detail... atten-hut!

Right shoulder, arms!

One, two, three, four!

Right face!

Forward march!

Two, three, four...
Hey! Hey, fellers!

You're going the wrong way.

I said turn
right... Detail, halt!

Left face!

Dismissed!

Sergeant, I'm
sorry. I thought...

Pyle, the men turned right.

I know, Sergeant, and so did I.

But you see, I
always drill with 'em.

I never have drilled
facing 'em before.

If you're facing 'em and
tell them to turn right,

then you've got to turn left

if you want to go the same way.

If you tell 'em left, then
you've got to go right.

That's how it works,
isn't it, Sergeant?

Yeah, Pyle, that's how it works.

Well, looks like I've learned

another thing
about being a leader.

If you want to do anything,
you got to do it backwards.

I have had it!

I've had it up to here
and two feet higher!

Pyle, huh? It's always Pyle!

He's the American tsetse fly.

This time, I'm giving up on him.

I'm throwing in
the towel, that's it!

If they want to take
away my stripes, let 'em.

Just let 'em. And
they might, too.

You know who's
pushing Pyle for Corporal?

Colonel Gray himself.

And you know why?

'Cause that visiting
congressman wants him promoted.

Are you sure about that?

Oh, I got it from a
highly confidential

and unimpeachable source.

Scuttlebutt. And
you know what else?

They'll probably make
Pyle a corporal anyway.

Hey, that's going to
be something to see.

Gomer Pyle telling
you what to do. Boy!

All right! All right, you
can knock off the laughing

while you still got
teeth to laugh with!

I'm gonna take
one more shot at it.

Just one more shot!

Pyle, I'm going to give
you one more chance.

And I'm warning you,
you'd better not goof it up.

Now you're in
charge, you got that?

Yes, sir.

I want you to handle
this field exercise

like it was the real thing.

Now here's the situation.

Our platoon has been cut off.

We're waiting to be
evacuated by helicopter,

but we don't know
how long it'll be.

We're surround.

The snipers are firing at us
from the grass, from the trees.

Okay, Pyle, it's
all yours. Yes, sir.

Sergeant? Pyle,
they're firing at us!

Hit the dirt, men!

Well, that was the right move.

Now, what do you do?

Well, you said we
were surrounded.

That's right.

And they're snipers firing at us

from the grass
and the trees. Yeah.

Well, you better take over

'cause we're in
a peck of trouble.

Pyle! Well, you
said you wanted it

handled like the real thing.

And you know
right well, Sergeant,

if you're here,
you're in charge.

I'm out of action.

That's it. I'm wounded.

I'm out of action.
You are in charge.

Well, all right.

Pyle, will you get
with it?! Disperse them.

Somebody lobs in
a grenade and pow,

there goes the whole platoon.

Spread them out.

Golly, you're right.

Fellers! Fellers!

I'm sorry, but you're
going to have to spread out.

And keep low.

There's a sniper up there.

I remembered that
time, didn't I, Sergeant?

Sure, and how
about covering fire?

You see that rise up there?

You better get a man up there.

Well, there could
be a sniper there.

It could be dangerous,
couldn't it? Yeah.

Well, I just couldn't
pick a man to do that.

Sergeant, I just couldn't.

Give the order!

Well, at least let me
ask for a volunteer.

Okay. All right, I volunteer.

That's it! Everybody up!

The exercise is over!

Come on, let's move out!

This is it, Pyle!

The end of the road!

Okay, let them take
my stripes away,

I've had it with you!

I don't care how hard that
congressman friend of yours

is pushing you for a promotion.

You're hopeless, Pyle, hopeless!

Hi, Sarge. Hi.

I know this isn't going
to make you feel better,

but that congressman
is back on the base.

I just saw him. Sure.

He's come back to
check on his pet Marine,

his old hometown buddy.

I also saw Pyle.

He cornered the congressman
in front of the colonel's office

and they went in together.

Well, this is it, Boyle,
the kiss of death.

Pyle'll tell him everything
and really put the knock on me.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Sarge.

Aren't you jumping... Uh-huh.

Company B, Sergeant Carter.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

What'd I tell you?
That was the Colonel.

He wants to see
me on the double.

Well, I'll tell you something.

I'm going to defend myself.

I'm gonna tell them
the facts of life.

That even though
a Marine sergeant

is supposed to
do the impossible,

when it comes to Pyle,

doing the impossible
is impossible!

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, Sergeant.

Sir, do you mind if I
say something first?

Not at all. Go ahead.

Well, sir, I've been in
the Marines a long time.

To be exact, it's
going on 15 years now.

And all the time I've been in,

I've done everything
that's been asked of me.

When I finally got these strips,

it was the proudest
day of my life.

And I think I can
honestly say I've earned

everyone one of them.

You certainly have, Sergeant.

You certainly have.

Sir?

Sergeant, I'd like you to
meet Congressman Travers.

Sergeant, I'm real
pleased to know you.

Well, thank you, sir.

You know, Sergeant,
Colonel Gray and Gomer here

have been doing a real
song and dance about you.

They really think
you are something.

They do?

I was just telling the
congressman here

how hard you tried to
make a leader out of me.

Nobody in the world
could've done any better.

But like Grandma
Pyle always says,

"No matter how good you are,

you can't get an
egg from a rooster."

But I'll gonna keep
doing my best, Sergeant,

'cause if you want
me to be a corporal,

I'll keep trying and
trying till I get to be one,

because I want you
to be proud of me.

Well, I'm sure you'll be a
credit to the Corps, Pyle.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I hope some day, I can prove
worthy of your faith in me.

I know you'll do just fine, son.

You know, Sergeant, you
two have a wonderful rapport.

Almost like a father and son.

Well, that's part
of my job, sir,

to look after him.

Colonel Gray,

this time I'm really
going to ask you

to do me a little favor.

Now, if it's at all possible

and doesn't interfere
with anything,

will you please try
and keep Gomer here

in Sergeant Carter's platoon?

They are so right
for each other.

I'll do my best to see
that they stay together, sir.

And I'll do my best, sir.

Platoon, ten-hut!

Right face!

Forward march!

Platoon... halt!

Pyle, what are
you grinning about?

Is something funny? No, sir.

Then what? What?

Well, I just feel good is all.

I feel good that
you're giving the orders

and I'm just
following them. Yeah?

Well, you ain't
gonna feel so good

if you don't wipe
that stupid grin

off your face!

When you are
marching, you will keep

your eyes straight ahead

and your mouth will
not be stretched out

in anything resembling a grin!

You're still doing it, Pyle!

You're still doing it!

Well, I just can't
help myself, Sergeant.

Your yelling at me is just
like sweet music to my ears.

It makes me feel safe
and secure is what.

Safe and secure.