Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 30 - Friendly Freddy, the Gentleman's Tailor - full transcript

♪ ♪

Well, what do you think?

You think I can get away

with wearing it for the
wedding tomorrow?

Yeah, to a hippie wedding maybe.

Well, how about if I
wear a black tie with it?

That'll make it more formal.

Look, Sarge, I've
got a better idea.

Why don't you
forget about the jacket

and wear your dress blues?

That way, you'll be safe.

Nah, it's strictly
a civilian wedding.

One of Bunny's friends
in the secretary pool.

I'll stick out like
a sore thumb.

The ushers are supposed
to wear dark suits.

So? So who's got a dark suit?

Besides it's too
late to buy one now.

Why don't you rent one?

Yeah, yeah,

I guess that's
what I'll have to do.

You're sure a sport
jacket wouldn't...

Sarge, you're gonna be an usher.

Yeah, yeah.

Where are the guys?

They been paid yet?

Yeah, just about.

Well, I guess I'll have
to go give them the usual

end-of-the-month pep talk.

All right, you guys, before
you take off for town,

listen up and listen up good.

For those of you
who don't remember,

let me remind you,
today is payday, right?

That means that
outside the main gate

there's a whole army
of characters just waiting

to sell you everything

from the Brooklyn
Bridge to the Taj Mahal.

Here comes the part
about the vultures.

Like vultures,

these hustlers will
swoop down on you

and pick your pockets clean
if you give 'em half a chance.

So keep your hands
on your wallets.

So keep your hands on your
wallets and walk right by 'em.

CARTER: My advice to is
put the money in the bank.

Because a penny
saved is a penny earned.

'Cause a penny saved
is a penny earned.

All right, you've been warned.

That's all.

Sergeant Carter,
thanks for the warning.

I'm sure all the
men appreciate it.

Well, you be careful, Pyle.

You're the biggest
pushover of them all.

Oh, don't worry, Sergeant.

Like you say, I'll look
out for them vultures.

Boy, you sure do
have a way with words.

(clamoring)

Hey, Private.

How about a nice new
watch for the girlfriend?

No, I'm sorry, she's
already got one.

Thank you.

Hey, Marine,
how'd you like to buy

a beautiful pearl necklace?

100% naturally cultured.

For the mere price of $18.50.

No, thank you.
All right, $12.50?

No.

Ten bucks even.

All right, you twisted my arm.

I'll even throw in a
mother-of-pearl pillbox

for the little lady's
artificial sweetener!

What do you say? No, thank you.

Hey, Mr. Freddy!

Well, if it isn't
my old friend, uh,

my old friend,
uh... Private Pyle.

Private Gomer Pyle. Of course!

Had it right on the
tip of my tongue!

You remember, you sold
me a friendship ring for my girl.

Of course I remember.

Shazam! Right?

You're the one who's
always with the, "Shazam."

That's right, Pyle.

Don't listen to a word I said.

This is one of the vultures
I was telling you about!

In fact, he's king of the hill.

Excuse me, Sergeant,
do we know each other?

I have a feeling you're
confusing me with someone else.

Oh, no, I'm not.

You're the bum that
took me to the cleaners

with that phony fur piece.

Fur, fur, fur, fur
piece, fur piece.

Yeah, the one that fell apart.

Was that you?

Oh, look, friend,
I can explain...

You're not my friend.

And he's not yours either, Pyle.

So stay away from him.

He's nothing but a crook

and if you've got any sense
you'll shove off right now.

Hey, listen,
Sergeant, I'm, I'm hurt!

I'm really hurt!
Just because once,

one, once, once I was,

I was fooled by a
dishonest supplier,

I have to suffer
the rest of my life.

That's why I gave all that up
and went into my new business.

New business?

Yeah, no more two-bit items,

like those guys are
peddling over there.

Look at them pushing themselves
at those innocent Marines.

Oh, how uncouth, how vulgar.

They're a disgrace
to the selling business

and, thank goodness, I'm
not in that game anymore.

You mean, you're not
a salesman anymore?

Well, that's a
little part of it.

I'm now a gentleman's tailor.

A tailor?

Well, ain't that nice.

Yeah, I've taken on a class line

and all my sales are
by recommendation.

Well, that sounds good.

What kinda line do you have?

Suits, son.

Hong Kong suits.

You don't say.

Well, where's your store?

Right here.

You mean your car?

Well, I still like to keep
the overhead down,

so I can pass on the savings

to my customers.

GOMER: I see.

Golly, you sure
got a lotta suits.

All top-grade stuff.

You know, Hong Kong
suits are the finest.

Here, uh, slip your
fingers over this.

It's nice.

It's real soft. What,
what are you?

About a 42 long?

How'd you guess?

It's an art.

That comes with
knowing one's business

inside and out.

Now, just slip this on, huh?

Well, really, Mr. Freddy,
I do have to... No.

No, no, no, come on,
there's no obligation.

I just wanna show how
I can run my business

without using any of that

high-pressure stuff on anyone.

Just look at that now, will you?

Just look at it.
Is that perfect?

Hey, it really is a nice fit.

Nice fit?

It's you!

Now, tell me, do
you have a dark suit?

Well, no, you see, I don't
have much occasion...

Look, I got nothing against
the greatest uniform in the world,

heaven knows, but every
marine should be able

to walk off his base in style.

By the way, dark
is in this year.

You see? Midnight blue.

Pyle, have you seen
Corporal Boyle around?

No, I didn't, Sergeant.

Pyle?

Is that you?

Yes, Sergeant,
must be this new suit.

I even feel different in it.

How do you like it?

Hey, great, Pyle, great.

Yeah, and that's
nice-feeling material.

It's one of them
Hong Kong suits.

Well, it figures.

If there's one thing I know,

it's good material.
Really, Sergeant?

Yeah.

It's kind of a hangover
from my high school days,

when I used to help out
in a haberdasher store

during the Christmas rush.

Yeah, that is good stuff.

What? Did you win it?

No, Sergeant, I bought it.

And guess how
much I paid for it?

Well, a suit like that,

did you go as high as $75?

No. More?

You bought it on time?

Wrong again.

This suit cost me $39.95.

No kidding!

That's all?

For this kind of suit?

And dark is in this
year, Sergeant,

so I'm right in style.

Pyle, where'd you get this suit?

Well... I'll tell you why I ask.

I got to go to a
wedding tomorrow

and I might just wanna
buy a suit like that.

Well, who's gonna get married?

Well, it's, uh, one
of Bunny's friends,

in the secretarial pool,

it's, it's gonna
be a, a big affair.

You know, with
ushers, and bridesmaids,

and buffet, the works.

Oh, well, that sounds real nice.

Yeah, well, that's
why I was ask.

At $39.95, I'd be crazy
to rent one for just a day.

Where did you get it?

Well, you're gonna
kinda be surprised.

Where? Where?

Well, I got it from
Friendly Freddy.

(sighs)

I shoulda known.

But, Sergeant, you said yourself

this was real fine material.

Yeah, well, there must
be something wrong.

Maybe he's in smuggling now.

Oh, no, Sergeant, I don't think
he'd ever do a thing like that.

Why don't you go
try and find him,

and get yourself a suit.

Oh, no.

Even if he is on the level now,

I ain't running after him.

Is he still out at the gate?

No, I don't think so.

Uh-huh, he took off, left town.

Well, no, Sergeant,

he generally spends
most of his time

at the pool hall in town.

Pool hall, huh?

You're gonna have to
beat this suit to death,

if you want to get rid of it.

You know, this suit
can be worn anywhere.

And of course you're
seeing it in the daylight,

you get the idea
of the real color.

Pretty neutral, huh?

This can be worn anywhere.

All work, uh, evening c-clothes,

travel, ball, ball, ballgames.

I mean, you can...

this is a practical
all-around suit.

Look at the crease
in the trousers.

Don't touch it...
You'll cut your fingers.

Take my word for it,

you'll be plenty
happy if you, uh...

Excuse me, sir.

Sergeant?

I thought I recognized you.

Something I can do for you?

You?

What could you do for
me? Oh, I don't know.

I thought maybe
you'd be interested

in a nice dark
suit for yourself.

You know, I'm now
in men's clothing.

I've got a class operation.

Here, Sarge, feel the material.

Now just check those
goods. Judge for yourself.

You're darn right
I'll be the judge.

I can tell the way
you're feeling it,

you really know material.

Well, I never bought junk.

Oh, I know, I know.

If you really wanna
give it the acid test,

why don't you try one on?

Let's see, now, um,

you're a, uh, 40 stout, right?

Regular! 40 regular!

Regular.

Even if I did try one on,

that don't mean
I'd wanna buy it.

I don't take the first thing
somebody shoves in my face.

Well, naturally.

You'd be crazy if you did.

Especially when I trust you

about as far as I can throw ya.

Well, this time, let the
goods do the talking.

Here. Step into
the dressing room

and see for yourself.

The dressing room? Yeah.

Across the street
at the gas station,

where it says "Men."

Hey... Hey, Sergeant.

Golly!

You did it, Sergeant!

You went out and
got yourself a suit

from Friendly Freddy.

Did you, Sergeant,
from Friendly Freddy?

Well... Just like I did.

Not like you, Pyle.

I took a little time
looking it over

at the gas station.

Well, you look just
beautiful, Sergeant.

Just like you stepped out

of one of them 75
cent magazines!

Yeah.

Notice how the
jacket falls right

to where I bend my fingers

like it's supposed to, huh?

Just like it was tailor-made!

I told you, Sergeant.

I told you it's always better

to give a person the
benefit of the doubt.

Even a person like
Friendly Freddy.

Yeah, well, uh,

look, Pyle, I gotta go to town.

What's on your mind?

Oh, well,

knowing you was going
into town for the wedding,

I was wondering
if I could get a lift.

I just missed the bus.

Okay, but I'm in a hurry.

Me, too, Sergeant.

Ain't that something though?

Here you was just about
to lose your confidence

in Friendly Freddy
and he comes along

and restores your faith
with such a fine suit.

Look, Pyle, will you
save the sermon?

Come on! Yes, sir.

Sergeant? Yeah?

We look like twins, don't we?

Hey, Lou-Ann!

Gomer! Your suit!

Oh, you look just beautiful!

(sneezes)

Why, bless you.

Thank you.

Do you really like it?

Well, I should say so.

Oh, it's just beautiful.

You look so handsome.

And you should
see Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter?

He liked this on me so much,

he went out and
got one exactly like it.

Well, I can certainly
understand why.

You are an absolute
fashion plate.

Well, should we sit down?

Or don't we have enough time?

Oh, well, the matinee
don't start for an hour yet,

so we've got time to sit down

and talk for a while.

(sneezes)

Why, bless you!

Gomer, don't tell you're
coming down with a cold?

No, I don't think so.

Well, maybe it's an
allergy, like Daddy.

He just has to look at
goldenrod or duck thistle

and he, he, he... (sneezes)

Bless you.

Golly, I hope I'm not
carrying any germs

or pollen or anything around.

Well, I can't imagine.

Bless you.

Gomer, I just wonder if, if...

Well, bless you again.

Now you wait right there.

What are you doing?

There. You see?

You're sneezing, but I'm not.

Well...

well, do you think
maybe it's the couch?

No, Gomer, I don't.

Actually, I think
it's your suit.

My suit?

(both sneeze)

You see, you see?

It only happens
when I'm next to you.

(both sneeze)

Why, this is terrible.

Oh, my gosh.

Sergeant Carter.

I sure hope his suit's
not making him... him...

(sneezes)

(sneezes)

(both sneeze)

(both sneeze)

Oh.

Oh, Gomer, I'm sure
it's nothing permanent.

Why, it's just probably

something they put
on it at the factory,

like moth-proofing or something.

That's right.

It did come all the
way from Hong Kong.

Well, then, that's
it, of course.

Why, you should have
just had it dry-cleaned first.

I am so dumb.

Here, I have ruined

a perfectly good
Sunday afternoon for you.

Aw, now, Gomer,
don't you go being silly.

Why, there's a While-
U-Wait Dry Cleaner

right around the corner, and
it's open seven days a week.

And we got a whole hour
before the movie starts.

That's just what I'll do.

You know something, Lou-Ann?

That's one of the things
I like most about you.

You've always got
the right answers

for just about
everything. (giggles)

(sneezes)

Oh, bless you,
that's my fault again.

(sneezes)

Quickly, Gomer, before
my mascara starts to run.

(sneezing)

(Gomer sneezing)

(Gomer sneezing)

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Gosh, you finished already?

Well, sort of.

Sir, where did
you get that suit?

From a feller by the name
of Friendly Freddy. Why?

I'm wondering did you
get a guarantee with it?

Gosh, I didn't think to
ask Mr. Freddy for one.

Why?

Well, I think you'd
better see for yourself.

Golly!

I guess I don't have to
tell you it shrunk a little.

20,000 suits I've
dry-cleaned, 20,000.

This is the first time anything
like this has ever happened.

But how?

How in the world?

It's the material.

Looks like it's made out of
reclaimed odds and ends.

Not only does it shrink, it
can fall apart at the touch.

Oh, my gosh.

Sergeant Carter. Huh?

My sergeant... he's
wearing the same suit.

I got to go warn him.

Mister, have you got
something I could borrow

till I get my own clothes?

Yeah, yeah.

Better tell your
sergeant not to clean it.

Burn it, yes,
but don't clean it.

Oh, there you go,
Vince, you look real nice.

(chuckles)

Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter.

Pyle.

What are you doing here?

Where are your clothes?

Sergeant, I got to talk to you.

(organ playing "Wedding
March") Have you been sneezing?

Pyle.

'Cause if you have,
Sergeant, you ain't sick.

It's the suit.

(sneezes)

See there?

But whatever you do,
don't have it cleaned.

Vince, Vince, come on, come on.

That's our cue; get
out of here, Pyle.

Sergeant, don't have it cleaned.

Just brush it real good.

Like these little threads,
just brush 'em off.

Pyle, get out of here.

I'll kill him!

I'll strangle him with
my own two hands!

Well, I can appreciate
how you feel, Sergeant,

but maybe it'll be just as
much a surprise to Mr. Freddy.

Sure, sure.

Let's face it, Pyle,
we were taken.

You shrunk and I unraveled.

You gonna tell me
that's a coincidence?

Well, I don't know
what to think, Sergeant,

not until I hear what
Mr. Freddy has to say.

I'll tell you what
he's going to say.

He's going to say nothing,

because I'm going
to do all the talking!

Wait a minute.

Ain't that him
sleeping in his car?

Yes, sir, I think so.

Come on.

(horn honking)

All right, all right!

What?

What happened?

What happened, Officer?

If it's about them
parking tickets, I can... I...

Ser-Sergeant, wha-what happened?

We want our money, that's all.

We want our money
back for them two suits.

What happened?

This is what happened...
A jacket with no sleeves.

And, Pyle, tell him what
happened to your suit, Pyle.

Well, that's the reason I'm
in this raincoat, Mr. Freddy.

I took this suit and
had it dry-cleaned...

And this is what happened.

You know any midget
who can wear a 42 long?

This is terrible.

I mean, that's just...
Wa-wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Did you say you
had it dry-cleaned?

Right after it started
to make me sneeze.

Look, I got a
wedding to get back to.

Oh, no, son.

Didn't you read the tag, the
one tied to the middle button?

Well, no, I didn't think to.

Well, what if he did?

If it was like the tag on my
jacket, it was in Chinese.

Only on one side; the
other side was in English.

It told you the suit was made

of a hundred percent
virgin krakalac.

Krakalac?

The newest thing
in synthetic fiber.

I mean, all you got
to do is take care of it.

You can't just bring it in
to any old dry cleaners.

It's got to be hand-washed in
ice cold water and Epsom salts.

You hear that, Sergeant?

It's all my fault 'cause
I didn't read the tag.

Mr. Freddy didn't have
nothing to do with it.

Okay, okay, that's
Pyle's tough luck.

But what about my suit?

I didn't have it
dry-cleaned; I just brushed it.

You must have
brushed it vigorously.

Krakalac is very fragile,
like the petals of a rose.

You can't just
take a rose and...

Never mind that.

Just make good
on my suit and fast.

I will, Sergeant, I will,
I-I'll give you another suit.

But no more krakalac for you.

This time wool,
100% simulated wool.

Oh, no, this time
I ain't settling

for anything less
than my money back.

I got a wedding to get back to.

My girl's waiting for me.

But Sergeant, even if you
do get your money back,

it's Sunday and all the
men's shops are closed.

Where you gonna
get another suit?

All right, all right.

You got me against
the wall and you know it.

Okay, give me the suit.

Let's see, you're the 40 stout.

Regular, regular!

Maybe this suit'll
even be better

than the other one, Sergeant.

Yeah, maybe it'll
last for two days.

Here we are.

One 40 regular and one 42 long.

Shazam! For me, too?

That's right,

above and beyond all
legal obligation on my part,

just so I can keep my
hard-earned good will.

Golly, you hear that, Sergeant?

Big deal.

But, fellas, uh,
this time please

take it easy with
the suits, huh?

You treat 'em right,
they should last a lifetime.

Where we gonna
put 'em on, Sergeant?

The gas station,
the gas station.

Good-bye, girls, I'll
see you tomorrow.

Vince, where have you been?

It's all over.

Huh? Over?

Well, I went out
to get a new suit.

You saw what happened.

Miss Bunny, I insisted
on coming back

with the sergeant to
explain things to you.

It was all my fault.

What? Well, I feel

like I got him into
this in the first place,

and, well, I'd like to make
it up to the two of you.

So what would the two of you say

to having dinner with
me and Lou-Ann tonight?

My treat.

Well, that's awfully
sweet of you, Gomer,

but you really don't have to.

Forget it, Pyle, forget it.

Well, maybe we could even
make it dining and dancing.

I don't think so, Pyle.

Well, I sure wish you'd let me.

I'd feel a whole lot better.

Well, that's very sweet, Gomer.

Okay, we'd be glad to.

Wait a minute,
you didn't ask me.

Okay, I'm asking you...
Are we going with Gomer

or am I going home and
never speaking to you again?

We're going with you.

At first I was horrified,

but then when I
thought about it later,

it was funny, I
mean really funny.

Well, at least you weren't
sneezing like Gomer and I.

We couldn't even hold
a polite conversation.

(laughing)

That must have been rich.

But you should have seen Vince.

There he was acting
all formal and serious

with his sleeves hanging out.

Well, I don't think it's funny.

I don't think it's funny at all.

Oh, come on, Vince.

But I was humiliated.

To me, that's
nothing to laugh at.

That's why I went down

and had it out with
that Freddy character.

And we got spanking
new suits from it, too.

He was real nice about it.

It has nothing to do with nice.

I just didn't let him get
away with anything, that's all.

He may be sharp, but not sharp
enough to pull one over on me,

so he just nicely came up

with a couple of
decent suits, that's all.

Yeah, but what are
we yakking about?

There's good music playing.

Come on, let's dance.

Ooh, I'll buy that.

(mid-tempo jazz playing)

(laughter)

38... 39... 40.

There you go, Private,
a full refund with a smile,

and you can even forget
about the nickel change.

Gosh, thanks a lot, Mr. Freddy.

Big deal. Come on, Pyle,

while we still got the
shirts on our back.

I-I don't blame
you for being mad.

I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.

All my good intentions wiped
out by one crooked supplier.

But don't worry, he'll never
get my business again.

Well, I sure hope not,

not after what he did
to you, lying like that.

Pyle, will you come on?

Fr-From now on,

I'm dealing strictly with my man
handling the sheepskin coats.

Him I know since I was a kid.

Sheepskin coats? Let's go, Pyle.

Yeah, a friend of mine
bought out the entire cargo

of that Norwegian freighter,

you know, the one
that got hung up

on the coral reef
off New Jersey.

You probably read about it;
it was on all the front pages.

I don't remember
that. Do you, Sergeant?

No, I don't. Let's go.

Anyway, my buddy's giving
me a special price on these coats

before he starts selling
to the department stores.

Of course, I can let you
have it for a mere $51.50.

'Cause once these sheepskin
coats hit the department stores,

you got to pay at least

a hundred and a
quarter for 'em, right?

Oh, boy, they sure are pretty.

Look at that lining.

Well, yeah, that's
100% virgin fleece.

See the tag.

Ah, come on, who
are you kidding?

It's a piece of junk,
just like your suits are,

and you know it.

Let's go, Pyle.

But Sergeant, it was a
real good-looking coat.

Pyle, when are
you going to learn?

How many times do
you have to get burned?

Now, take your money,
put it in the bank,

and stay away from that crook.

But, Sergeant... Move,
Pyle, that's an order!

Uh... just a minute.

What kind of lining
did you say that was?

Fleece, 100% virgin fleece.

Let's see, you're the 40 stout?

Regular, regular.

Regular.