Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 29 - And Baby Makes Three - full transcript

Gomer brings a baby on base when the parents he is babysitting for get delayed.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

And the milk is here.

All you have to do is warm it.

Not too hot, just warm.

Oh, and there's his baby food.

He gets one
vegetable and one fruit.

One vegetable
and one fruit, right.

Honey, please. We're...

All his toys are in the
bedroom beside the crib.

He sleeps most of the time,

so he really shouldn't
be any bother.

Don't worry about
a thing, Nancy.

Me and Timmy's
gonna get along fine.

Let's just hope that
your mama's all right.

I'm sorry to impose
on you like this, Gomer,

but it all happened so suddenly.

Oh, we just got the call
from the hospital this morning.

We called every
baby-sitter we know.

It's such a short notice.

That's why I had to call you.

I'm glad to do it. I'm
really happy to help out.

Well, we can never
thank you enough.

Honey, we'd better get going if
we're gonna get the next flight.

Oh, yes. Come on. Oh, Gomer,

we'll probably catch the,
uh, 6:00 o'clock plane tonight.

It's only San Francisco,
45-minute flight.

We should be back here
by 7:00 or 7:30 at the latest.

Well, there's no need to rush,
just so long as you're back

by 5:30 in the morning in
time for me to make reveille.

No later than 9:00. (laughs)

Oh, and this wind-up
teddy bear's his favorite toy.

Honey! Oh, I'm sorry.

See you later,
Gomer. Right. Bye.

Bye-bye, and don't
worry about a thing.

(winding up teddy bear)

(lullaby plays)

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

(cooing) ♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ The old gray goose is dead ♪

♪ She died in the mill pond ♪

♪ She died in the mill pond ♪

♪ She died in the
mill pond ♪ (cooing)

♪ Standing on her head ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ The old gray goose is dead. ♪

(phone ringing)

(clears throat)

That's it.

Great. Now.


Uh, Gomer, this is
Howie. How's Timmy?

Oh, he's fine.

He's just fixing to
go back to sleep.

But how's Nancy's mother?

Why, she's okay. It
was just appendix,

and they got it in time.

Oh, Gomer, we're gonna
get back a little later

than I thought tonight.

Oh, well, that's
perfectly all right.

I've got until 5:30.

See, it's ten o'clock now,
so if you catch the next plane,

you should be back
here before midnight.

That's just it, Gomer.

They're not flying.
There's too much fog.

We're borrowing my mother's
car, and we're driving back tonight,

but the soonest we
could get there would be,

oh, 5:00 in the morning,

and that could make
you late for reveille.

Well, then what I'd better
do is just call Sergeant Carter

and tell him I'm
gonna be a little bit late.

I'm sure he'll understand.

(phone ringing)


(quiet groan)

All right, all right.


Company B Sergeant Carter here.

Sergeant Carter,
this is me, Gomer.

Were you sleeping?

Hmm? No, I was playing polo.

You were sleeping, weren't you?

What do you want, Pyle?

I was hoping you
wouldn't be sleeping,

'cause if you were sleeping,

I sure wouldn't
want to wake you.

Well, I was, and you did.
Now what do you want?

Oh, well, Sergeant,
I've got this problem.

You see, there's a chance

that I might be just the
tiniest bit late for reveille,

and so, I wanted
to check with you

to see if it'd be all right if I
come in around 6:00. You see...

What do you mean, 6:00?

You think this is a bank?

You're a Marine, and we open
for business at 5:30, reveille.

And if you ain't here,
you'll be listed as AWOL.

But, Sergeant...

AWOL, Pyle, which
makes you subject

to a possible court-martial
and a term in the brig.

Is that clear?
Now, just be here!

(slams down phone)

He's gonna be a little late.

He's gonna be a little late!



Looks like I just made it.

I waited till the last minute,

but this little fella's
folks never did show up,

so what I'm about to do
is go ask Sergeant Carter

if it's all right
if he stays here

till they come and pick him up.

I'm sure it'll be okay.


Sergeant Carter?

It's me, Gomer.


(clears throat)

What I tried to tell you
on the phone was that

Private Reilly and
his wife had to go

to San Francisco, and
they left their little baby

for me to take care of.

Well, they're gonna
be a little bit delayed,

and, well, I couldn't be
in two places at once.

So, there wasn't
nothing else for me to do

except bring the little
baby back here with me.

I hope that's all right.

He won't be any trouble.

He's the nicest little
baby you ever did see.

(cooing) All we need is a
place for him to stay, and...

and, well, Reilly will be by

and pick him up just
as soon as he can.

So I'll just take him
over to the barracks

with me for a while, okay?


Is it all right, Sergeant?

(mumbling): Well, all right.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant.

I just knew you'd understand.

(contented sigh)

(men snoring)

(bugle blowing reveille)


Shh! That's just reveille.

That don't mean that
you have to get up.

That's for Marines only.

(crying continues)

Holy smokes!

Gomer, where did
you get the baby?

(overlapping chatter)
It's Reilly's baby.

He got stuck up north,
and I had to bring him here.

It's all right, though, 'cause I
checked with Sergeant Carter.

Hey, would one of you fellas
hand me that diaper out of

that bag and throw
it over my shoulder?

I'll be burping him in a minute.

Mmm. Is that good?

(blowing whistle)

All right, come on, move,
move, move, move, move, move!

Dress it up there,
come on, dress it up!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's move!

All right, roll call
and sound off!

(baby crying)

It's all right, Sergeant.

He's just getting used
to his new surroundings,

and they're supposed
to cry a little bit.

It's good for their
throat and eyes.

(crying continues)

I guess he wants to get
a good look at Timmy.

He didn't get to see the
little fella too well last night.


PYLE: Ain't he cute, Sergeant?


Pyle, you're out of your mind.

You need medical care.

What is this?

Well, it's Private
Reilly's baby, Sergeant.

You brought a baby on the base?

But I checked
with you, Sergeant,

and you said it'd be all right.

What are you talking about?

What did you check with
me? What? What? What?

Well, don't you remember?

I came in right before
reveille this morning,

and I told you that
Private Reilly and his wife

had to rush up to San Francisco,

on account of her
mother was sick,

and they left their baby
for me to take care of.

And, well, you
said it'd be all right

if I kept him here
in the barracks.

I said that? Well,
sure, Sergeant.

I came right up to your bunk

and explained the whole thing,

and, well, you
nodded all the time.

Then I must have been asleep.

Can't you tell when
a guy's asleep?

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but when I phoned you

and told you I
was gonna be late,

you said I'd be
listed as A-W-O-L,

and, well, I just had no choice.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it!

Well, I left Private
Reilly a note

and told him that I had the
baby here with me, and, well,

he said he'd be back about
5:00, and it's almost 6:00 now,

so he ought to be coming
along any time now.

What do we do with a
baby in the meantime?

A baby in the barracks?

Ain't there some
way we can call Reilly

and tell him to get here faster?

Well, he's on the road.
What about relatives?

Does he have any relatives
we can get to take the kid?

Well, no, Sergeant.

That's the reason
they called me.

Oh, brother!

Sarge, phone call
for Pyle. It's Reilly.

You see, Sergeant?

He's home, and he's all set

to come down here
and pick up Timmy.

I'll get it right away.

What's that? It's a zebra!

What do you think it is?

The whole transmission?!

Well... I guess it
can't be helped.

Well-well, you just
do the best you can,

and we'll take real good
care of Timmy till you get here.

Well, bye.

Well? Well?

I'm sorry, Sergeant, but I think

we're gonna have
little Timmy with us

a little longer than we figured.

Reilly's car broke down,
and he's getting it fixed.

Okay, that does
it! The kid goes!

I don't know where, but he goes.

To a hospital or a home,

someplace they
can look after a baby.

But Sergeant, I...

Look, Pyle, I've got
a colonel's inspection,

and I ain't about to get caught
with a baby on the premises.

Let's see. Babies, babies.

Now, Sergeant,
I'm not really sure

that's such a good idea.

Huh? Putting
Timmy with strangers.

I heard about a little baby once

that the same thing happened to,

and it frightened him so bad

that he was affected
for the rest of his life.

Every time he walks
into a strange place today,

he breaks out in hives,
and he's 32 years old.

Now we wouldn't
want to be responsible

for turning little Timmy

into a blotched up
grown-up, would we?

Sarge, what's the story?

What's gonna happen?



how could you take a
little sweet baby like this

and-and send him away?

(Timmy cooing)

(gurgling and laughing)

Sweet! Sweet! Sweet!

(Timmy fussing)

You know why babies
smell so good, Sergeant?

You'd smell good,
too, if you was sprinkled

with talcum all day long.

You know something?

There ain't nothing
as smooth and soft

as a little baby's skin.

(cooing) You want to
touch him, Sergeant?

No, Pyle. I want
to get rid of him.

I've got inspection, remember?

Well, he'll be all right

back here, won't he, Sergeant?

I mean, they never do
inspect back here, do they?

Pyle, they don't
have to see him.

All they got to do is hear him.

Well, he'll be all
right, Sergeant.

Let me go get him
some breakfast.

Some nice warm milk

and strained potatoes will
keep him nice and quiet.

I'll be right back.
Wait a minute.

Sergeant Hacker will
be at the mess hall.

All I need is for that big mouth

to find out I got a
kid stashed here.

Well, I won't say one word.

No, I'd better handle it.

You and Boyle take
turns watching the kid

while the others get breakfast.

And remember, not a word
about nothing to nobody!

(Timmy cooing)

And try to keep him quiet.

Well, well, well, if it
ain't the star boarder

and champion chow hound himself.

And beating the crowd.

How many eggs
this morning, champ?

One or two... dozen?


Uh, no eggs. I'm going light.

Oh, just a side of beef
and a gallon of chili, huh?

Could you get me
a glass of warm milk

and some strained potatoes?


Warm milk and strained potatoes.

Are you on a diet or something?

Uh, yeah, that's right.

Oh, what kind of diet
is it? What's it for?

Oh, nothing special.

I've just been going
heavy on the chow lately,

and I thought I'd take it
easy for a while, that's all.

Well, can I have it, or can't I?

Oh, sure, sure.

See Pete in the kitchen.


Warm milk and strained potatoes?

Warm milk and strained potatoes.

I wonder what's wrong.

Well, like he said, Sarge,
he's just going easy.

Think a minute.

Who needs food like that?

People with ulcers.

You think that...?

That's it.

The guy's got himself an ulcer.

Sure. That's why
he's on that diet.

And he doesn't want
anybody to know.

You see, Jensen,
that's the way it goes.

All those years of steaming

and churning inside
finally caught up.

The poor guy's
got himself an ulcer!

Move along, move along.

How're you doing, Pyle?

Just fine, Sergeant.

Sergeant Carter was
in before getting some,

you know, warm milk
and strained potatoes.

Uh-huh. Uh, well,
excuse me, Sergeant.

Relax, Pyle.

I know the whole
story, everything.

You mean he told
you all about it?

How can you hide
a thing like that?

Well, I'm sure glad he told you.

After all, it's nothing to
be the least bit ashamed of.

Of course not.

When you got a
problem like that,

you ought to let your
buddies pitch in and help out.

That's exactly what I've
been saying all along.

Who's taking care of him,
the doctor on the base?

No, just mostly
Corporal Boyle and me.

The sergeant wanted us to
keep it amongst ourselves.

He was afraid if word got
out, he might lose his stripes.

Yeah, I guess it could be
the end of him around here.

But still, he ought
to have a doctor.

Well, there's really no need.

The only time he ever complains
is when his tummy's empty.

That's when he takes
the hot milk, huh?

Well, not hot, just
nice and warm.

Boy, I never would have guessed.

But you've been in on this
all this all along, huh, Pyle?

Uh-huh, it was me that carried
him onto the base this morning.

Really? Uh-huh.

Well, you go eat your breakfast.

I'm going to go up
and look in on him.

Come on.

There you go, sweetheart.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Look at him, Sarge.
He's almost asleep.

Come on.

When is Reilly
going to get here?

That must be him now.

Hiya, Vince.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Now look, you gotta
stop being so jumpy.

That's the worst
thing in the world for it.

What are you talking about?

Relax. Will you relax?

I know all about it.

Pyle told me.

Pyle told you?

I'll kill him!

Now, you see?
There you go again.

You gotta settle down.

I only came over
here to help you.

Here, I brought you
this, heavy cream.

Heavy cream?

Best thing in the world for it.

I ought to know,
my uncle had one.

Your uncle?

Yeah, yeah.

Now that's exactly what

you ought to
take for your ulcer.


Come on, Vince.

Warm milk, strained potatoes.

What else could it be, huh?

What else?

Oh, sure.

What else? It's my ulcer.

The only thing I
don't understand is

why you couldn't come
right out and tell me.

Huh, what, are you
proud or something?

How long have we known
each other? Seven, eight years?

Yeah, something like that.

Then why all the secrecy?

You're acting like an old lady.

I mean, what are friends for?

Well, I just wasn't
thinking, Charlie.

I-I'm sorry.

Thanks for coming to see me.

Yeah, well, now, wait a minute.

You want any strained foods,

any warm milk,
any cottage cheese,

anything at all, you just
say the word, you hear?

Right. Right, okay.

Hey, hey, hey and Vince!

Listen, you stay off
that roughage, you hear?

Right! Right. Right, okay.

Hey, hey... oh, yeah, wait.

And another thing
that's nice and bland.

You know what? What?

Angel food cake.

My aunt used to
make it for my uncle.

Angel food cake.

I'll get some. No, you won't,

'cause I'm gonna
make it for you.

I'm gonna bake you
an angel food cake.

I insist.

We're gonna see this
thing through together, pal.

Oh, thanks a lot, Charlie.

One special angel food
cake coming right up.

You hear that, Vince?

I'm gonna make you
an angel food cake.


he's gonna bake me
an angel food cake.

I want that over at 350 exact.

Not 349 or 351; three-five-O.

That's the best for
an angel food cake.

I'm making Sergeant
Carter an angel food cake.

You wanted to see me, Sergeant?

Oh, yeah, Pyle.

I spoke to Sergeant
Carter and I'm fixing him up

with some of those
bland foods that he needs.

I'm also giving him a little
treat: an angel food cake.

Tell him it'll be ready
in about an hour, huh?

An angel food cake? For a baby?

Yeah, when you
got a condition like...

Really, all he needs
is some warm milk.

Say, did you get
to see the little fella

in the back room when you was
over talking to Sergeant Carter?

Well, he was probably sleeping.

It's really a shame you
didn't get to see him though,

'cause he ain't gonna
be here too much longer.

Reilly will probably be
by for him any time now.

Reilly... Reilly's baby.

Sure, warm milk
and strained potatoes.

I know the sergeant appreciates
everything you're doing.

Just like you said:
"What friends are for?"

Oven's ready, Sarge.

Oh, good, good!

He didn't finish his
bottle, but he's fast asleep.


Any sign of Reilly?

No, sir, he hadn't
showed up yet.

Oh, we're gonna be
in trouble. Big trouble.

The colonel's gonna come
around and that kid's gonna wake up

right in the middle
of inspection.

Take my word for
it. I got a feeling.

Well, he should sleep
right through it, Sergeant.

All you do is put the
bottle in his mouth.

That way, when he wakes up,
he'll have something to drink,

and that should keep him quiet.

Okay, do it.

And when the colonel leaves,

we're getting that
kid out of here.

Reilly or no Reilly, he
goes to a hospital like I said.

But, Sergeant... No
buts; we'll take him

to the hospital
where he was born.

Tell them he needs
a six-month checkup

or something, like with a car.

They'll have to take him.

But, Sergeant, couldn't
we keep him here

just a little bit longer?

I've waited all I'm gonna wait.

This is it.

When the colonel goes, he goes.

I've had it. Come on.

The colonel, he's coming.

The teddy bear...
Stash it, stash it.

That's all we need.


wouldn't it be better if you
told the colonel the truth?

Honesty is the best policy.

Are you listening to
Denny Dimwit here?

Pyle, you're out of your mind?

Do you know what would happen

if I told the colonel
I had a baby here?

Well, I'm sure he'd understand.

Just like when I told you
that I had a baby here,

you were very understanding.

Sure I was understanding.

That's because you're an idiot,

Pyle, and don't know better,

but I'm a sergeant
and I was asleep.

And besides, sergeants
don't get involved

in harebrained things
like hiding babies.

Well, I still think that if you
told him, he'd... Ten-hut!

At ease.

The roster forms seem
in order, Sergeant.

Right, sir.

(lullaby plays)

Where's that music
coming from, Sergeant?

Music, sir?

It seems to be coming
from this filing cabinet.

It is, sir? Well, I
can't imagine...

Why, it's a teddy bear!

I can see that.

What's it doing here?

Well... (lullaby stops)

It's, uh, Private Reilly's, sir.

A present for his kid.

That's it, sir, it's a present.

(Timmy cries)

What's that?

What's what, sir?

(crying continues)


It's a baby, sir.

I know. I've seen a
couple of them in my time.

Well, you see,
sir, Private Reilly

had an emergency
up in San Francisco,

and I was at his
place babysitting.

And then the airport got fogged
in and he couldn't get back,

and, well, I couldn't
leave the baby,

so I brought him here.

I-I know it's not
in the regulations,

but, well, I just
plain didn't know

what else to do.

Highly irregular, Pyle,

but I can appreciate
the spot you were in,

caught between
responsibility and duty.

Yes, sir.

When do the parents get back?

Well, they should be
back any time now.

Well, considering
the circumstances,

one Marine helping another,

I supposed we can
overlook it this time.

(phone ringing)

Company B, Corporal Boyle.

Oh? Thank you very much.

It's Private Reilly, sir.

He and his wife
are at the main gate.

Oh, good!

The parents? Yes, sir.

So I'll just collect
Timmy's things

and take him and
them to the front gate,

if that's all right, Colonel?

Of course.

I'd say the parents were
lucky to have someone

do as responsible
a job as you've done

looking after their child.

Thank you, sir.

He's a good man.

A little unorthodox
and a bit sentimental,

but a good man.

You know, sir, I
felt the same way

when Pyle told
me about the baby.

You mean, you were in on this
from the beginning, Sergeant?

Oh, yes, sir. The minute
I found out about it,

I took over completely.

Help feed him and everything.

One Marine lending a
helping hand to another.

I see. Sergeant Carter.

Yes, sir? A private

doing something like
that is understandable,

but a sergeant should have
reported this directly to me

and explained the circumstances.

With those stripes
you're wearing,

I would've expected a
more intelligent handling.

You've conducted this matter

in a most undisciplined
and haphazard manner.

Sergeant, you'll report
to my office at 1400.

We'll have a little
private meeting to discuss

the proper conduct
of a Marine NCO

when confronted
with a novel situation.

Aye, aye, sir. Carry on.

Sergeant Hacker.

Were you looking for me?

No, sir.

So you were in on this, too?

You'd better join
Sergeant Carter

when he reports to my office.

I'll have a few things
to discuss with you, too.

Yes, sir.

Where did you get that bottle?

Well, here we go.

Say good-bye to
your Uncle Hacker

and your Uncle Carter.

You know, it was kind
of nice having a baby

around here for a while.

And wasn't the
colonel nice about it?

It's just the kind of thing that
brightens up your whole day.

Well, say bye-bye.


(continues talking to baby)

(crying in distance)

I'll kill him!

So help me, I'll kill him!

(men snoring)

Where is it?

Where is it?

Pyle! Pyle!

Huh? Where is it?

Where are you hiding it?

Hiding what, Sergeant?

Come on! Come on, the kid!

You're babysitting
for Reilly again.

No, Sergeant.

They picked up Timmy this
morning, don't you remember?

Then it's another baby.

You've gone into
the baby business.

I don't know what
you mean, Sergeant.

Pyle, I heard a baby
crying a few seconds ago,

and it came from this direction.

So don't sit there
and tell me...

(crying outside barracks)

There! There it is again!

You've stashed the
baby outside somewhere.


Why, it's a pussycat.

It must've just
wandered onto the base.

Ain't it amazing how much
they sound like babies?

Back home, it used to
confused me all the time.

Go back to sleep!

Get out of here, you stupid cat!

You poor thing, you.

Are you lost, huh?

Don't you have a home?

♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪

♪ Go tell... ♪