Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 28 - Love and Goulash - full transcript

♪ ♪

Yo napot qui va nook. No.

Yo napot qui va nok.

You see, in Hungarian

the accent's always
on the first syllable.

And that means "hello"?

Well, technically, it means,
"I wish you good day."

Hey, we'd better get going...
That bus leaves at 3:10.

Don't you think we ought
to get something to eat first?

Not on your life.

We got to save plenty of room
for my mama's Hungarian cooking.

Ah, chicken
paprikash... palachinta...

szilvas gomboc.

Silver what?

Szilvas gomboc...
That's plum dumplings.

Um, look, say, "szilvas."

Sil... vash.


Goom... boats.

Good, Gomer... we'll make
a Hungarian out of you yet.

Try to remember how to
say, "I wish you good day."

All right. Now, don't
tell me, don't tell me.

Uh... Yo napot...
szilvas gomboc.

You just wished
me plum dumplings.

Guess I better practice
some more on the bus.

Come on.

(laughing): Leo!


Let me look at you!

You have lost weight.

You are falling away to nothing.

Mama, I haven't lost any weight.

He hasn't lost any
weight, he says.

He's nothing but skin and bones.

Mama, I want you to meet
my buddy, Gomer Pyle.

Oh, how do you do?

Qui va... n-napot... uh...

Yo napot qui va nok.

That's it.

Oh! He speaks perfect Hungarian!

Thank heaven Leo
has found a friend.

Now, when he is away from home,

you can make him eat. Mama,

I haven't lost any
weight. Hey, Leo!

Oh, Papa, Leo's home! Leo!


Oh. Hey, the marines,
they feed you good...

You gained weight!

No, Papa, I haven't
gained any weight.

Of course not...
He's lost weight.

What do you mean?

I know when my
own son gains weight.

We go through
this every weekend.

Mama thinks I'm Laurel,
and Papa thinks I'm Hardy.

Papa, I'd like you to meet
my friend, Gomer Pyle.

He's gonna spend
the weekend with us.

Welcome to our home.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, where's Anna?

Where she always is.

Oh, that again.

She can stay in her
room for a hundred years,

and we still won't let her
go out with what's-his-name.

Yesterday, I tried fainting,

and she still
wouldn't come down.

Ooh, Leo, now that you
have brought home a friend,

maybe you can make her come out.

At least long enough for
me to sweep under her bed.

Okay, Mama, I'll give it a try.

Come on, Gomer, I
may need your help.

(quietly): We've got a
slight family problem.

My sister wants to get
married in the worst way,

but as you can see,

my parents aren't exactly
crazy about the boy.

The problem is that he belongs
to another Hungarian family

that my family's been
feuding with for years.

It started in the Old Country.

I know about feuds... I
seen lots of 'em down South.

Well, anyway, it's a stalemate.

Mama and Papa won't even
allow his name to be spoken,

and Anna just sits in
her room and broods.

Anna? It's me, Leo.

The other side of no-man's-land.

Leo! Anna!

You look great! Oh, thank you.

It's so good to see you.

Anna, I want you to meet
my good friend, Gomer Pyle.

Hello, Gomer. Hey, Miss Anna.

The cold war's still on, huh?

(groans): It's the
same old story.

Mama and Papa are still
living in the last century.

I know, but you're never
gonna solve anything this way.

But it's so ridiculous
that we have to suffer

for a feud that started
years and years ago.

Look, why don't
you come downstairs

and have dinner with the family?

Leo, you don't
know what it's like.

Every time I get near
them, we start fighting.

Come on downstairs.

Out of courtesy to our guest.

It'd be a real honor to have
you eat with us, Miss Anna.

Come on.

Well, all right.

But if they say one
word, just one word,

I warn you, I'm leaving.

(chuckles): Okay.

Come on.

More paprikash, Leo?

Oh, no, thanks,
Mama. I've had it.

Gomer? No, thank you, ma'am.

Hm! Two big marines, and
they both eat like pigeons.

Well, I've had second and
third helpings on everything.

Can you still breathe a little?

Well, yes, ma'am.

Then you're not full yet.

If you can leave the table
under your own power,

Mama gets insulted.


My big eater.

A fly gets more nourishment.

What do you expect?

She don't open
her mouth to talk...

Why should she open it to eat?

I'm beginning to wonder
if she has a mouth.

She must have... I hear her
brushing her teeth in the morning.

I'm warning you, Papa,
don't start up with me.

Ah. She talks... She
does have a mouth!

If she has a mouth,
then she also has ears...

Ears to listen to good sense.

Mama, Papa, one word about Paul,

and I'm leaving this table!

No, no, no, I-I didn't hear it.

I didn't hear
what's-his-name's name!

Whether you like it or not,

he does have a name,
and his name is...

You say that once more, and
you no longer are my daughter!

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Now, I ask you, I
ask you, is this a way

for a girl to talk to
her father, I ask you!


I always say that there's
two sides to every argument.

Who asked you?

Hold it, now, let's
change the subject.

Gomer and I came down
here for the weekend to enjoy it,

so let's enjoy it!

(slams silverware down)

All right!

We enjoy!


would anybody like
to hear a funny story?

Well, this happened
a long time ago

when I was just a
little boy. (chuckles)

I had this old cousin, Malcolm,

and he was the stubbornest
thing that ever was.

(laughs): Anyway...

old Malcolm, he never
would admit up to nothing.

And one day, we was down
playing at the blacksmith's shop,

where we wasn't supposed
to, and the blacksmith,

he was over there
hammering on a horseshoe.

Well, he stuck it in the fire,

and he got it just as
red-hot as it could be,

and then he
hammered on it a while,

and then he put
it down over there.

Well, old Malcolm
didn't see this.

And in a little while,
he went over there,

and he picked up this horseshoe.

Well, he dropped
it real fast like that,

and the blacksmith
turned to him, says, "Aha!"

Says, "You burnt
yourself, didn't you?"

And old Malcolm says, "No, sir."

He says, "It just don't take
me long to look at a horseshoe."

(laughing loudly)

(continues laughing)

(stops laughing)

Wasn't that funny?

It is not funny when a girl
talks to her father like that!

(Papa, Mama and Anna shouting)

(shouting continues)

Oh, I give up!

(Papa and Mama
speaking Hungarian)

Papa, Papa, wait, wait.

Look, uh, why don't we
all go into the living room,

and, uh, and we'll stretch
out a little bit, okay?

All right, that's a good idea.

We'll go into the living room.

Hey, sit down, Gomer.

Mama, where's Gomer
gonna sleep tonight?

Well, I don't want
to put anybody out.

I can sleep on the couch here.

Oh, no, no, you are a guest,

and guests don't
sleep on the couch.

Of course not... you
should have your own room.

Leo will sleep with Papa,
and Anna will sleep with me,

and Gomer can have Anna's room.

Oh, I-I don't think
that's a very good idea.

Why not?

Well, uh... because
my bed is very hard,

and-and you might
not be very comfortable.

Oh, well, I don't mind... I
like a hard bed, really I do.

But-but that's not
the only reason.

I mean, there's a dog
that lives next door,

he barks very loud.

He might wake you.

Well... I-I don't want to
be any trouble to anybody.

But there's no trouble.

You sleep in Anna's
room... You have privacy.

But I don't think
that's a very good idea.

Is nothing to
think... Is decided.


(whistles a short melody)

(pebbles clatter)

(pebbles clatter)


(whispers): Anna, I'm here.



Anna? Anna?


(pebbles clatter)

(pebbles clatter)

This is the Kovachs'
house, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Then who are you?

Private First Class Gomer
Pyle, United States Marine Corps.

What are you doing
in Anna's room?

Well... (door opens)

Gomer. Hey, Miss Anna.

Paul, come around
to the kitchen.

I'll let you in.


Gomer, I hate to disturb you,

but could you come
with me, please?

Well, who was that?

That's Paul.

Just please come with me.

I-I'll explain everything.

And this is the way... Shh...

(quietly): And this is the way that
you two get together all the time?

It's the only way.

Since our parents won't
let us go out with each other,

we have to meet in secret,

so every night, after
everyone's asleep,

Paul comes by.

Golly, you really must want
to see each other awful bad.

(sighing): Gomer, if we
couldn't at least see other,

we'd rather be dead.

Oh, don't say that,
don't ever say that.



It's Mama.

Hurry... go, go.


Tomorrow night? Yes, hurry, go.



Anna, where are you?

Oh, Gomer.

Huh? Gomer, just sit down.

Sit down. Huh?



Anna. Anna.

Would you like some
more milk, Gomer?

Anna, thank heaven
you are all right.

What's going on, Mama?

What's the matter?

What's everybody
so excited about?

When I saw you
weren't in the bed,

I thought heaven knows what.

(chuckling): Oh,
Mama, that's silly.

I just couldn't sleep,
so I came down here,

and Gomer's here
because he couldn't

sleep either.

So we decided we'd have

a little milk and
cookies and talk.

Isn't that right, Gomer?

Oh, uh... uh, yes, ma'am.

You both couldn't sleep?

Oh, we've been having
such a nice conversation,

we completely
forgot about the time.

It turns out we have
a lot in common.


if you'll excuse me, I
think I can sleep now.

Good night, Gomer.

I certainly enjoyed our talk.

M-Me, too.

Good night, Mama...

Papa... Leo. (murmuring)

I'm going to bed, too.


Well... I guess I can get
some sleep now myself.

(chuckles nervously)

Good night.

Good night, good night.


Papa, did you hear?

Anna and Gomer... they
have a lot in common.

When a girl and a boy
have an interesting talk

and they have a lot in common,

it could lead to
something interesting.

You mean Anna and
Gomer could be...?

Could be.

But he's not even Hungarian.

Who cares?

He has no job.

He's a marine, no?

And best of all, he can make
her forget what's-his-name.

(both speaking Hungarian)

Mama, Mama, he's coming down.

Now, you let me
do the talking, huh?

Whenever you do the talking,
you don't know when to stop.

Better I should do it.

I am the head of the house.

Is my job to talk to the boy

who wants to marry
with my daughter.

She's my daughter, too.

Morning, Mrs. Kovach. Oh...

Mr. Kovach. Good morning.

Sit down. Help yourself.

Sit down. My goodness.

Everything looks so nice,

I don't know what to have first.

Have a little of everything, eh?

Have a lot of everything.

These are Hungarian sausages.


Oh, thank you.

You like Hungarian cooking?

Oh, yes, ma'am,
I like it real fine.

You like Leo?

Oh, yes, sir, I certainly do.

He's like a brother to you, no?

Yes, sir, he's a real
good buddy all right.

You know, Gomer, you are
a very nice, settled down boy.

Thank you, sir.

Tell me, what do
you expect to do

when you get out of the service?

Oh, well, I'll probably go
on back home to Mayberry...

That's where I come from...

And just pick up at the
gas station where I left off.

My cousin Goober owns it,
so I'll probably work with him.

Maybe even become a partner.

A partner in a business?

Ooh, hoo, hoo.

Tell me, do you like our Anna?

Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure do.

She's one of the
nicest girls I ever met.

Good morning, everybody.

Oh, Leo!

(speaking Hungarian)


(all speaking Hungarian)

(continue speaking Hungarian)

What's the matter, Leo?

Gomer, you were just
being marched to the altar.

Huh? All those questions?

They were leading up to a
wedding, Hungarian style.

Golly! I just thought they
was making conversation.

Don't kid yourself.

They're so anxious to
keep her from marrying Paul,

they'll jump at the first
eligible man to come along.

They're that dead
set against him, huh?

They're that dead set.


That is a problem.

You don't know the half of it.

Look, Leo.

If your parents won't listen,

why don't somebody
talk to Paul's folks.

Oh, that's a good idea,

except for two small things.

One, his parents are
just as stubborn as mine,

and two, a Szabo wouldn't
allow a Kovach in the house.

It's that bad, huh?

But they might
talk to a stranger.


Gomer, you could go over there.


You? You know our son?

Yes, sir.


Then you are always
welcome in my house.

Come on, please, sit down.

Please, please, please.

Sit. Sit.

What can I give you to eat?

Some cookies? A piece of cake?

Oh, nothing, thank you,
ma'am, I just had breakfast.

I'll give you some cake.

Our son, how long
do you know him?

Well... I'll give you
some cookies, too.

Here. Eat, eat.

Thank you, ma'am.

How come he never mentioned you?

Well, I just met him last night.

You see, I'm also a
friend of Anna Kovach's.

Anna who?


I would appreciate

if you would please
to leave my house.

Well, you see, that's the
reason I came over here

was find out how this feud
started in the first place.

I am very sorry.

It's something we
don't talk about.

And we never talk
about what's-her-name.

If we knew who you are,
we would never let you in.

Well... but... if we just sat
down and discussed this...

We have nothing to discuss.

If you want to know
how the feud started,

go ask the Kovachs!

Well, if you want to
know how the feud started,

go ask the Szabos!

Hey, Leo... what
if both families

accidentally found theirselves

together in the same room?

What do you mean?

Well, is there a
particular place

your family likes to go to,
like a restaurant or something?

Well, they go to
Zimmerman's pretty often.

That's a little Hungarian
restaurant downtown.

Well, what if I invited
them down there for dinner,

and I invited the
Szabos at the same time,

you know, just
to talk things out?

Forget it, Gome.

You could get my folks
down there easy enough,

but how could you
get the Szabos there?

Well... There is a way.

It's kinda sneaky,
but it is a way.

Yeah, what's that?

Well, we could get the
owner of Zimmerman's

to call them up and tell them

that they've won a
free dinner for two,

just for this evening only.

Hey... That's one thing

a Hungarian will
never turn down...

A seven-course dinner.

(all laughing)

Ah, is very nice
for you to do this,

but was not necessary.

Well, I did want to repay
you for being so hospitable.

Aw... Oh, we
really appreciate it,

and this is our favorite place.

And a private dining room, too.

Well, maybe we better
get a waiter and order.


Oh, why don't we wait a little?

MAMA: Wait?

Yeah. We can sit
here and talk for awhile.

Talk we can do at home.

They got big meals here.

If we don't get started soon,
we could be here all night.

We have a very nice table
set up for you in the back.

Thank you. But we still
don't know how we won.

We didn't even know
there was a contest.

Don't ask. Just eat and enjoy,

compliments of Zimmerman's.


MAMA: You know,
Gomer, you should order

the stuffed ca...

Wait a minute.
Uh... Please don't go.

Uh, why don't you
come and sit down?

So this is the free dinner, huh?

Well, that part of it's true.

Leo and me's paying for it.

We don't want your dinner.

Well, you don't have to
eat it if you don't want to,

but won't you come
and set down, please?

If they sit down,
we are leaving.


All we want to do
is have a little talk,

so please come
and sit down. Please?

All right, all right,
we'll sit down.

But we will not
look at each other.

Well, uh...

now that we're all here
together and everything

I'm sure you all know the
story about Romeo and Juliet.

(speaking Hungarian)
(speaking Hungarian)

We didn't come here for stories.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Please, just hear me out,

because what I've got
to say is very important,

maybe the most
important thing in your lives.

Now, Romeo and Juliet
happened a long time ago,

but there are lots of
Romeo and Juliets today.

Like Anna and Paul,

two young people who
love each other and...

well, their family is
keeping 'em apart.

Well, now, I know you don't want

the same thing to happen to them

that's happened to the
first Romeo and Juliet,

'cause that wasn't
a very happy ending.

LEO: And in case
you don't remember,

they killed themselves.

What? Now, we're not saying

that's gonna happen.

Of course, it couldn't happen.

Anna wouldn't
do a thing like that.

She's sensible.

So is our Paul.

He could never
do a thing like this.

Could he, Mama?

Who knows with
young people today?

Yes, they can do crazy things...

especially when
they are in love.

What are you talking about?

They're all right!

No, something
happened, I can feel it.

I feel it, too.

(talking at once)

Mrs. Kovach! Mrs. Kovach!

Mrs. Szabo!

Now, there's nothing
to get upset about.

You see what you did?

It's better they should
be married than dead.

(speaking Hungarian)




You are not dead!

Mama. You are not dead.

No, Mama, I'm fine.

I'll kill you!

What's going on?

Gomer had just
asked us to come by

for a family discussion...

There will be no discussion.

You are coming with
us away from the girl.

And we don't want
that boy near our girl!

Don't worry! He won't be!

(loud, overlapping chatter)

Now wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

You ought to be ashamed of...!

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Not more than a few seconds
ago you was all worried sick.

You said you'd rather
have 'em married than dead.

How soon we forget.

We are not forgetting
that they disobeyed us.

They have no respect
for their parents.

How can you say
a thing like that?

They're both over 21.

Why, they could have eloped

and gotten married
anytime they wanted to,

but they didn't.

They didn't want to get married

without your blessings.

I'd say that's the
biggest respect

children give their parents.

You know, Papa, he is right.

They were good children.

Maybe we should give
them our blessing, huh, Papa?


(speaks quietly)

(Anna laughs)

(laughter, speaking Hungarian)

Oh, Papa!

(speaking Hungarian)

This was a lot happier
ending than Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet
ended in a tragedy,

but this ended happily.

Yes, this ended happily.


Oh, Mrs. Szabo.

Mrs. Kovach.

(parents speaking Hungarian)

(crying): I'm so happy.

overlapping chatter)

I make a toast.

To Gomer Pyle.

Without him, our families
would never get together.

He is big peacemaker.


Now I make a toast.

To Anna and Paul.

May they have a long

and happy life together.


You know, there will
be plenty more toasts

when they get married.

This will be the biggest
wedding you ever saw.

Papa, Paul and I
have discussed this,

and we really don't
want a big wedding.

What? What? What?
What? Well, we'd be

much happier if it was
just a small, intimate affair.

When a daughter
of mine get married,

everybody must be invited.

That's right. There
ain't no such thing

as a small Hungarian wedding.

You know, Anna,
on our side alone,

there's 200 relatives.

On our side, we
have 250 relatives.

But, Papa, Mama...
(parents speaking Hungarian)

We hire a big hall, musicians.

We'll eat, we'll drink,

and we dance.
That is the custom.

Well, maybe it's the custom,

but we just don't
want that big a fuss.

That is not for you to say!

You are only the
bride and the groom!

(loud overlapping, chatter)

Folks! Folks! Folks!

There really ain't any
reason to get excited.

I think if we all
discussed this quietly...

You stay out of this!

You not even in the family!

You know, he's a troublemaker.

He's right, you
are a troublemaker.

(loud, overlapping arguing)