Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 26 - Chef for a Day - full transcript

♪ ♪

All right, call.


Tails. You lose.




(laughing) Okay!

That makes us even.

Best out of three.

This one tells the story.


(strained laughter)

You lose.

For the next four days,
Pyle works in your kitchen.

Yeah, yeah.

You should have left well
enough alone, Charley.

He was only assigned
to you for two days.

You never should have
tried for double or nothing.

Listen, trying to keep
Pyle out of my hair

is always worth a gamble.

So, this time, I lost.

Don't take it so hard, Charley.

It could have been worse.

You could have lost money.

That would have
been easier to take.


Okay, now, I want
that mess hall gleaming

before the thundering herd
gallops in here for breakfast.

And when you get
finished with that,

you can start
peeling the potatoes

and dicing the
carrots for lunch.

Yeah, Pyle?

Besides dicing some carrots,

do you want us
to curl some also?

A curled carrot
always looks nice

against a lettuce
wedge and a tomato.

Makes the plate look complete.

Look, Pyle, don't try to tell me
how to run my business, huh?

Just dice the carrots.
That's all. You got that?

Yes, sir. Dice, don't curl.

Now, I gotta go over
to Supply for a while,

and while I'm gone, I
don't want none of you

to touch a thing in here.

Just do your work, and
stay away from the food.

Is that clear?

Aye, Sergeant. Aye, Sergeant.

I said that for
everyone's benefit, Pyle,

but for yours in particular.


At ease, men. At ease.

Where's Sergeant Hacker?

He's over at Supply, sir.

Well, that's too bad.

I have an early staff meeting,

and I'd like to get some
breakfast in a hurry.

So would one of you men
get me a cheese omelet,

a side order of bacon,
coffee and white toast, please?


Don't anybody look at me.

I don't know nothing
about making an omelet.

That makes two of us.

I couldn't even heat
up a frozen dinner.

Well, looks like you draw
the short straw, Gome.

Golly, I don't know, fellers.

Cooking up a little ol' omelet

and a mess of
bacon is one thing,

but you all heard what
Sergeant Hacker said.

He said for us not
to touch a thing...

Not one single, solitary
thing... Till he got back.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Sergeant.

You've already
had your breakfast?

Yes. I have to
get an early start.

But I wasn't here.

I mean, who did the cooking?

That's just what I was
going to ask you, Sergeant.

I'd like to see the man
who made this breakfast.

I think I know who it was, sir.

I'll be right back.

You did it, right, Pyle?

You cooked the
colonel's breakfast?

Well, yes, sir. But, you see...

What did I tell you?
What did I tell you?

Don't touch a
thing in my kitchen!

So what do you do?

You take it upon yourself
to cook for the colonel.

The colonel, of all people!

But, Sergeant, honest, I
wouldn't of never thought

of not doing what you said
except that the colonel...

Except that the colonel
wants to see you right away.

And, may I add, when
he's through with you,

it's my turn to
have you. Come on.

Colonel, sir, this is
the man responsible

for what you just ate.


that was the best cheese
omelet I've ever had.


Thank you, sir.

The texture was perfect,

and the flavor
was extraordinary.

Where did you ever
learn to cook like that?

Guess you have to give all
the credit to Grandma Pyle.

I used to follow her around

when I was just a little feller

and watch her put
in a pinch of this,

and a pinch of that.

Guess I learned
everything I know from her.

Well, it's a pity we don't
have her in the Corps, Pyle.

But we've got you, and
that's good enough for me.

You deserve a lot of
credit, too, Sergeant.

Imagine, taking a marine

who's been around
the base for years

and putting him where
he can really perform.


You've discovered
a great hidden gift.

Thank you, sir. Someday,
you're going to have

to tell me what you did to make
that bacon so unusual, Pyle.

My wife would love to know.

Oh, there really
ain't nothing to it, sir.

Just tell her that while
the bacon's sizzling,

sprinkle a little sugar on it.

Makes it all kinda
crispy and sweet.

Marvelous. Just marvelous.

Sergeant, you should
see what you can do

about getting Pyle on
permanent duty here.

With a cook like
him in your kitchen,

I may come around more often.

And if things keep on improving,

I may even put in a
word about making yours

the official mess for
high-level functions.

Good day.

(door opens)

I'm glad everything worked
out all right, Sergeant.

Still and all, I know I shouldn't
have touched that food

when you told me not to,
but I was in kind of a spot

what with the colonel
wanting his breakfast and all.

You did exactly
right, Pyle. What?

This was a test.

A test?

I wanted to see if
you had the initiative

to face a problem on
your own, and you did.

Well, I'm real glad that
you're pleased, Sergeant.

The important thing is you
pleased the colonel, Pyle.

And, like he just said,

you ought to stay
on here permanent.

That's very flattering,

but I just couldn't leave
Sergeant Carter's platoon

after all these
years. I just couldn't.

What do you mean, you couldn't?

This could be a big
break for you, Pyle.

Uh, uh, by the way,
did your grandmother

teach you to make
any other things?

Oh, yeah, lots of things,
like peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler.

Chicken fricassee.

Gold. I struck gold.

Who would have thought
that a knucklehead like Pyle

would turn into such
a cooking wizard?

So what's the problem?

Just tell Carter you want Pyle.

He'll be happy
to get rid of him.

No, he won't!

Carter won't ever
give anything up

as long as he knows
somebody else wants it.

He'll hold back
just out of spite.


Let another guy make
points with the colonel.

No, I gotta play it cool.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

But how do you outfox
a guy like Carter?

There's two ways to
handle a fella like that.

One, you gotta fight dirty.

Two, you gotta
fight downright filthy.

I think I'll use them both.

Vince, you gotta
get me off the hook.

Pyle ain't getting
to you, is he?

Please. I'm begging you.

You gotta take him back.

Aw, come on. You
got three more days.

A bet's a bet. I
won fair and square.

Okay, I'll make a deal with you.

We'll bet again... Our
usual best out of three.

Only, this time, if you lose,
you take Pyle back right now,

and I never get
him again. Never.

And, if you win,
well, I'll keep Pyle

for as long as he's
stationed on this base.

Are you serious?

I am.

You been out in the sun
too long or something?

You'd take a chance on
getting stuck with Pyle for good?

Or getting rid of him for good.

Wait a minute.

If I lose, Pyle never
gets mess duty,

and I don't get any
relief from him at all.

It's a 50-50 proposition.

You could win.

Getting rid of Pyle
once and for all.

It's worth it.

Okay, our usual
best out of three.

Toss. Right. Call.




(moans softly) (laughing)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

What are you griping about?

You won, didn't you?

We're even. Yeah. Great.

I mean, yeah, great!

Maybe my luck is changing.

Don't be so sure of that.

This is the one that counts!


I don't believe it!

I just don't believe it!

I never beat you
that quick before!

Couldn't we make it
best three out of five?

Nothing doing. It was your idea.

Pyle is all yours.

Couldn't we try it
just for a month?

No, sir, you got Pyle.

You know...

you were crazy to make
a bet like that, Charley.


But bless you for it.


The man I been looking for.

I am?

Golly, Sergeant, if it's
about them carving knives,

I just want you to know

I'm fixing to go in
there and sharpen them.

And run the risk of
cutting your fingers?

Forget about it.

As a matter of fact, forget
about everything today.

Today is a special
day for you, for me,

for the whole base.

It is? And do you know why?

Because, at long last, the
Marine Corps is really going

to start taking
advantage of your talents

on a full-time basis.


You're being
transferred, my boy.

As of right now, you
are a full-time member

of my organization.

You mean I'm being shipped
out of Sergeant Carter's platoon?

That's right, Pyle.
Welcome aboard.

And may this be the beginning
of many cheese omelets together.

I see it, but I
don't believe it.

The transfer.

What a beautiful
thing to behold.

You know, Boyle,

I've had a lot of happy
times in the marines,

but this has gotta rate

as the top thrill of all time.

And lose him on a simple bet.

It's incredible.

But beautiful, huh?

And talk about poetic justice.

An apple polisher like Hacker

getting stuck with an
apple head like Pyle.

What did I do right, huh, Boyle?

What lucky star
was I born under?

Oh, Pyle.

You're here for your
transfer orders, right?

Yes, sir.

Well, here it is.

Just hand it in to
Sergeant Hacker

when you check
into the mess hall.

Yes, sir.

Golly, Sergeant, it
just don't seem possible

me leaving the platoon
after all these years.

Well, that's the way
it is in the marines.

You do your job, and
go where you're sent.

I know, but, just the same,

this is one day I was
hoping never would come.

I think I'm gonna cry, Sergeant.

Control yourself,
Pyle. You're a marine.

You better get going.

Sergeant Hacker's waiting
for you at the mess hall.

Yes, sir.

I'm sure gonna
miss you, Sergeant.

I really will.

And you, too, Corporal Boyle.

We'll still see each other.

The mess hall
ain't that far away.

It ain't the same as
being together though.

But I guess I should be grateful
for the years that we did have.

We sure went
through a lot together,

didn't we, Sergeant Carter?

Yeah. Well, you
better get going, Pyle.

You know what I ain't
going to never forget?

The time I sprained my
ankle on that forced march,

and you had to help
me back to the base.

You pretty near carried
me for five whole miles.

I'll always remember
that, Sergeant.


I don't care how many
platoon sergeants I have

while I'm in the Corps...

to me, you'll always
be the top sarge.

Pyle, you better go.

Yes, sir.

I'll be seeing you... I hope.

Well, he's gone.

This time for good.

You still happy about it?

Of course I'm
happy about it, Boyle.

Of course I am.

Hey, Sergeant
Carter, Corporal Boyle.

Boy, you two are a
sight for sore eyes.

Pyle, what do you think
you're doing out here?

You can get in a lot of
trouble goofing off like this.

Oh, I'm not goofing off.

Sergeant Hacker told me I
could relax for a couple hours.

Fact is, he's been real nice.

But to tell you the truth,

as nice as he is, I
still wish I wasn't here.

I sure miss the old platoon.

Sergeant, ain't there any
way I can get transferred back?

Well, uh, I don't know, Pyle.

Orders are orders.

If the brass thinks you can
contribute more to the Corps

by peeling spuds,
swabbing the deck,

scouring GI
cans, well, that's it.

Oh, I don't do
none of them things.

Fact is, I don't
hardly do nothing

except cook for the colonel.

You do what?

Ever since I was on
temporary mess duty.

There wasn't nobody else around,

so I had to cook the
colonel's breakfast.

That's when he
told Sergeant Hacker

not to let me go.

But I thought... Hacker sai...

Boyle, I'm beginning
to smell a rat.

(door opens)

And here he comes.

Hey, hey, Pyle.

Visiting with old friends?

Well, all set to go back to work

after your little rest period?

Yes, Sergeant.

Not so fast, Hacker!

I got a few things
to say to you.

Sorry, Carter, can't stop now.

We wouldn't dream of keeping
the colonel waiting for his lunch.

What new delicacy are
we cooking today, Pyle?

That double-crossing
apple-polishing fink!

He rigged the whole thing!

He threw that bet!

He wanted to get
Pyle in the first place.

What are you complaining about?

You wanted to get rid of him.

But I never thought
Hacker would use Pyle

to make points with the colonel.

What difference does it make?

He got what he wanted
and you got what you wanted.

That still don't
give him the right

to go around stealing
one of my better men.

Huh? That's right.

Pyle was just beginning
to show a lot of promise.

In time, he could have been one

of the top men in my platoon.

Fine thing.

I give him the best
four years of my life,

and now he's stolen away
from me right in his prime.

Boyle, I want Pyle back.

Look, Pyle, we've
been over all this before.

You don't want to go
back to your old platoon.

But, Sergeant...

But you're doing great here.

The colonel is
bringing officers over

from other
companies to eat here.

We're gonna be famous, Pyle.

Well, that's real
gratifying, Sergeant,

but I miss all my old buddies.

And most of all, I
miss Sergeant Carter.

And I hope he misses me, too.

Don't worry, Pyle,
he doesn't miss you.

Well, maybe he does.

After all, we was
together over four years.

Pyle, he doesn't miss you.

I bet he does.

All right, you
leave me no choice.

I never wanted to tell you this,

but your Sergeant Carter
misses you so much

that he was willing to
give you to me on a bet.


That's right.

He was willing to
hand you over to me

on a mere flip of a coin,

a cut of the cards and
a quick Indian wrestle.

I don't understand, Sergeant.

You were gambled away, Pyle.

You were the stakes.

Can I make it any
clearer than that?

Everything under control, Pyle?

Yes, sir, I was just slicing
some cabbage for coleslaw.

Good. Now when you finish that,

I want you to... (sniffs)

What's that I smell?
Something burning?

Oh, my gosh, it's the
bread I was baking!

Baking? Then how
come you got it on broil?

I'm sorry. I guess I
made a little mistake.


You made another little mistake.

You left out the yeast, too.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I guess I just
didn't have my mind

on what I was doing.

That's not like you, Pyle.

But what the heck?

I guess anybody
can make a mistake.

But let's get with
the program, boy.

(loud clattering)

♪ ♪


Something go down
the wrong way, sir?

No, somebody salted my bacon.

Salted your...?

But you ordered your
bacon with sugar on it.

Unfortunately, the sugar
ended up in my omelet.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Frankly, the food in this mess
hall has been going downhill

for the past few days.

One morning, the
toast is burned,

the next morning,
the coffee isn't perked,

and this morning,
everything's wrong

Shall we go, gentleman?

I hate to see you
go away hungry, sir.

Isn't there anything I
can whip up for you?

No, thank you.
We don't have time.

He's gotta go!

I know.

Look, I don't hate him.

I really don't.

It's gone beyond that.

It's just kind of a
numb, dead feeling.

Like after you've cried a lot.

I gotta figure out some scheme

to make Carter take him back.

Hey, Sarge, why don't
you try the honest approach,

just as a change of pace?

Honest? With Carter?

Bite your tongue.

He knows you pulled a fast one

when you grabbed Pyle away.

You've run out of sneak attacks.

I think the best thing to
do now is level with him.

Level with him? That's right.

There's no point
in stewing about it.

If you want Pyle back that bad,

lay it on the line.

He played you dirty,

and you shouldn't let
him get away with it.

You know something?

You make a lot of sense, Boyle.

Pyle belongs to me,

and I ain't about to let
Hacker put one over on me.

I'll have it out
with him right now!

What are you doing here?

Well, I, uh...

You just came over
to gloat a little, huh?

Well, I want you to
know something, Hacker.

I was just on my
way over to see you.

I want you to know that I'm wise

to that crummy
little trick you played.

Taking a man out of my platoon

who's a good cook

so you can make
points with the colonel.

But, Vince... And
how did you do it, huh?

By lying and cheating.

And worst of all,

you violated
"best out of three,"

which is pretty dirty.

Dirty, dirty, dirty!


You're right, Vince.

And when you're
right, you're right.

I did take Pyle
out of your platoon

to make points with the colonel,

but is that so terrible?

Could you blame me?

Aren't we all trying
to better ourselves?

But let's face it, it's
not worth it, Vince.

I have to live with
you and myself,

so I'll tell you what.

If you want Pyle back,
you can have him.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't take him back
if my life depended on it.

Are you sure, Vince?

Sure, I'm sure.

But you said... Forget it!

He's gone.


Hey, Hacker, where you running?

We didn't finish.

But you said... I said...

You didn't hear all I gotta say.

Hacker, I'm gonna show you

the kind of guy
you're dealing with.

Best out of three, as usual,

but the way it should be done.

Honest, no cheating.

If you lose, you
get Pyle for keeps.

If I lose, I'll take him back,

as much as I'd hate to.

Huh? That's right, Hacker.

And you want to know why?

Because I'm a bigger man
than you are, that's why.



You win.


That's gonna be hard to beat.

Here goes.

Okay, this is for
all the marbles.


What happened?

You beat me fair and square,

that's what happened.

I got Pyle back.

Hey, Sergeant.

Oh, hi, Pyle.

You're back, huh?

Yes, sir.

Well, report to the barracks.

You got the same bunk as usual.

Thank you, sir.


I just want to tell you
that I'm happy to be back,

even though you may
not feel the same way.

What makes you say
a thing like that, Pyle?

Well, Sergeant Hacker
told me about the betting

and how the one
that loses gets me.

But I don't mind.

I really don't.

You may be the loser,

but just being
back in the platoon,

well, I figure I'm the winner.

Pyle, I think you might
be interested to know

that the sarge lost
that last bet on purpose.

He wanted you back, so he
threw the bet to make sure.

Huh? That's right.

I just thought
you'd like to know it.


Is it true, Sergeant? Pyle.

Is is true you lost on
purpose? Pyle. Pyle!

You wanted me
back? You really did?

Pyle, get over to the barracks

and stow your gear, will ya?

You did miss me.

I knew it, I just knew it.

Move, Pyle, move,
move, move, move, move!

Yes, sir, Sergeant.

And it sure is good to
be back home again.

Big mouth!

Here you are, Sergeant.

I sure hope you like it.

Okay, Pyle. Now we'll see

what all the
fireworks were about.

Are you sure you made
'em this way for the colonel?

Yes, sir. That's the way I
always make an omelet.

It is, huh?

Well, what do you think?

Pyle, from now
on I think you better

confine your household
duties to sweeping.

Get a broom.

You mean, you don't like it?

Get a broom on the double!

Yes, sir.

Pretty bad, huh?

Are you kidding?

This is the greatest
omelet I ever tasted.

I don't get it.

Why didn't you tell him?

And start the whole thing again
with the colonel finding out?

You know something else, Boyle?

They tell me he also
bakes like a dream.