Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 24 - Goodbye, Dolly - full transcript

Gomer buys Dolly, an old horse, to save it from the glue factory, without taking into consideration the question of 'how you hide a horse on a marine base?'

♪ ♪

How about a refill, Lou?

No, thanks, Bill.

If I'm gonna get there,
I better be on my way.

Well, I don't envy you none.

You and that old horse
have been together

for a lot of years.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss Dolly.

Right good old mare.

When they get to be that age,
there's just nothing left to do

but to have 'em put away.

I guess.

I'm gonna walk her
over to Wes' place

and he's gonna
lend me his trailer.

Poor Dolly.

Thanks a lot.

I should be able to get a lift

the rest of the way from here.

Well, hey there, girl.

Ain't you a pretty one, though?

Say, I know what you'd like.

You just stand right
here and I'll be right back.

Afternoon. Cup of coffee?

Yes, sir, I think
I'll have a cup.

But if you don't mind,

I think I'll take
the sugar first.


Looks like Dolly found a friend

her last day around.

There you go.

Now, that ought to hold
you till your next bag of oats.

Thanks. See ya, Lou.

Well, here's your coffee.

Oh, thank you.

And by the way,
that sugar I took,

I hope you don't
mind that I gave it

to that horse outside.

Oh, you mean, old Dolly.


Yeah, that's her name.

Well, it sure suits
her 'cause she's one

of the sweetest,
friendliest horses I ever met.

She reminds me of Maybelle,
an old horse I used to ride

on my Uncle Clarence's
farm back home.

Yeah, too bad about Dolly.

On her way to the
glue factory, you know.

Glue factory?

Yeah, he's having her put away.

You mean that feller
that was just in here?

He's taking her to
have her put awa...?

It's a shame, I know,
but she's getting on.

Mister! Hey, Mister!

Pardon me, sir,

but, uh, could I ask you
something about your horse?


Is it true you're
taking her somewhere

to have her put away?

Afraid so. We're
heading there now.

Well, why on Earth would
you want to do a thing like that?

She's not sick, is she?

I mean, there's
nothing wrong with her.

No, nothing but a
bad case of old age.

She's just wore
out, ain't ya, gal?

Can't do a lick of work no more,

and I can't afford to keep her.

But a sweet old horse like this,

surely there must be
somebody that'll give her a home.

Afraid not. There aren't
too many retirement homes

for old nags.

No, I guess there's just
one place for old Dolly.

Come on, gal. Let's
get it behind us.

Wait a minute. What if
somebody wanted to buy her?

Dolly? Who'd want to
buy an old nag like her?

Well, I might.

Why, you're in the Marines.

What would you be
doing with a horse?

Well, that's something
I'd have to figure out,

but no need for you to worry.

Well, I don't know, son. I...

Listen, I've got
ten dollars on me.

If that's not enough,

I can give you some
more the first of the month.

Okay. If you want her
that bad, you can have her.

I just hope you know
what you're doing.

Hey, Lester. Huh?

Come outside a minute.

♪ ♪

There, that ought to do it.

Nobody'd ever know that
there was a horse in there.

Yes, that's a pretty
good job, all right.

But Pyle, tell me one thing.

How long do you
think she can stay here

without being discovered?

Well, it's just till I
find a place for her.

I'm sorry, Lester.
I just had to.

I couldn't stand to see 'em

take the poor old thing
off to be destroyed.

Besides, she reminds
me of Maybelle.

Well, let's just hope you
can find a stable for her

before anyone finds her.

Come on. We better
get back to the barracks.

Yeah. Thanks a lot
for helping me, Lester.

It's a relief to know for
at least the time being

that she's out of sight
and won't be noticed.

Say, if, uh, any of you
fellers don't want your apple,

I'd be glad to take it
off your hands for you.

Uh, Joey, do you
want your apple?

How come you want extra apples?

Oh, well, I want to get 'em
for between-meal snacks.

You see, I been feeling
tired and listless lately,

and that can mean
only one thing;

that my body's slow on iron,

and there ain't no better way

to get you iron
than eating apples.

Okay, you can have mine.

Thank you, Joey.

Any of you guys want to
give your apple to Pyle?

He's got tired blood.

(men chuckling)

You can have mine, Pyle.

Thank you, Lester.

Anybody else want
to give me their apple?

Oh, gee, thank you.

All I can get here.

Thank you. Uh...
Any apples over here?

Be glad to take
'em off your hand.

Right in the bag here.
Thank you. Apples?

Okay, Nelson, let's get
this sack tightened up.

For a second, I thought
you were still in it.

Not bad, Hummel, not bad,

but them socks could
be rolled a shade tighter.

Yes, Sergeant, I'll
get on it right away.

Uh, Sergeant Carter,
before you inspect me,

I think there's something
I better tell you.

What's the matter, Pyle,

you got some excuse
about something?

Oh, no, Sergeant,
it's not that...

Well, that's why we always
pull these surprise inspections.

Just so we can catch slackers.


I'm sorry, Sergeant.

This is what I
tried to tell you.

Don't try to tell me anything.

You've been hoarding food,

saving up for them
midnight snacks.

You're nothing but a
big chow hound, ain't ya?

Yes, sir.

He has an iron
deficiency, Sergeant. Huh?

I don't think the Sergeant
wants to hear about that.

You're darned right I
don't want to hear about it.

You're through
stuffing yourself, Pyle.

Get rid of them apples!

From now on, you're
down to three meals a day,

just like the rest of us!

Yes, Sergeant, no more apples.

Come on, Boyle.

I've had enough
of this barracks.

Well, pick 'em up! Pick 'em up!

Hey, Sergeant
Carter, Corporal Boyle.

Did you notice the roll Pyle's
getting around his middle?

He's nothing but
a big pile of fat.

Now that you mention
it, he is putting on weight.

Must be those apples.

Yeah, well, he
ain't the only one.

The whole
platoon's getting soft.

I think I better
double up on PT.

Yeah, I think so, Sarge.

That's it, Dolly, chew
'em up real good.

There ain't nothing worse
than gobbling your oats.

Now, that's all I've got.

That's all I've got
on me, right there.

Remember now,
you stay right here.

Whatever you do, don't
you move from this spot.

29, 30, 31, 32...

This is a strange time
to be doing this, Sarge.

It never hurts to
get in a little extra.

We can all use it, Boyle.

What's the matter, Sarge?

I just thought I saw Dumbrowski
looking in the window.

You know, horse face Dumbrowski?


Yeah, that character
over in Quartermaster.

What would he be
looking in our window for?


There's nobody there, Sarge.

But he was just there.

It couldn't have
been Dumbrowski.

He's on leave.

Well, if it ain't him,

there's somebody else
on this base that looks

an awful lot like a horse.

Look, Sarge, maybe you better

forget about the exercising
and get some sleep, huh?

You've been
pushing it pretty hard.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Let's hit the sack.

You know, it's funny how some
people look like horses and dogs.

You know what you always
looked like to me, Boyle?

A giraffe.

A giraffe?

What do I look like to you?

Never mind!

Pyle, aren't you coming to bed?

I'm worried, Lester.
(bunkmate snoring)

Worried that somebody's
gonna discover Dolly.

Well, you've been
pretty lucky so far.

I know, but, well, I
haven't had a chance

to go find her a place to stay,

and I'm just worried

about how long my
luck's gonna hold out.

Well, there's nothing we
can do about it right now,

so let's get some sleep.

I'll try, but something tells me

this is gonna be
a restless night.

I bet I don't sleep a wink.


Pyle! Pyle!

Shazam! It's Dolly!

Oh, my goodness!

(Dolly whinnies)

What's so funny, Boyle?

What's that, Sarge?

(Dolly whinnies)

I thought that was you.

It's a whinny,
like from a horse.

It sure is.

Could some joker be
watching a Western

on television
this time of night?

Impossible. The rec
room closes at 10:00.


(loud whinny)

Hey, Sarge, that sounded real.

That horse face in the window;

that wasn't
Dumbrowski's horse face.

That was a horse's horse face!

Come on.

PYLE: Hey, Sergeant Carter.

I guess you'd like
an explanation.


No, wait. First, I
want to make sure

this isn't some
kind of nightmare.

I want to be sure
we're all awake.

You're Pyle, you're
Boyle and this is a horse.


Pyle, I thought I'd
seen everything.

You sneaked a kid on the base,

a girl, a dog, a cat,
a skunk, but a horse?

A horse?!

I can explain everything,
Sergeant, honest, I can.

Do that, Pyle, because
I'm just dying to know

what a big ol' white horse
is doing on a Marine base

in the middle of the night.

Aren't you just
dying to know what

a big ol' white horse is
doing on a Marine base

in the middle of the night?

Tell us, Pyle, what's a
big ol' white horse doing

on a Marine base in
the middle of the night?

Well, she was on her
way to the glue factory,

you know, to be put away?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I just couldn't stand
the thought of 'em doing that.

So, well, I bought her.

Oh, well, that
explains everything.

Come on, Boyle.



Sergeant, then is it all right

if the horse stays around,

temporarily, I mean?

Oh, no, Pyle, I thought
that was understood.

You're to get rid of
this horse right away.

Immediately. Now.

You're to get this
horse off this base

immediately, now!

CARTER: Now you listen
to me, you blockhead!

I'll bounce you out
of the Marine Corps

and into the brig
at Leavenworth!

Now you get this
horse off this base!

Once and for all, off this base!

(softly): Is that clear?

Sergeant, can't we wait
until morning at least?

Pyle, get your shirt on
and get her out of here!

Well, yes, Sergeant.

Well-Well, you'll have
to hold on to Dolly

so she don't run off.

This whole thing
is ridiculous, Boyle.

Here I am, in the
middle of the night,

standing out here
in my underwear

holding on to a horse.

How do these
things happen to me?


Now, the training
schedule for today

will be as follows:

Right after morning chow we
will go out to the obstacle course.

After that, there will
be small arms practice,

followed by... (Dolly whinnying)

followed by Judo
practice, and after that...

(Dolly whinnying)

All right, Platoon, ten hut!


All except you, Pyle.

Okay, Pyle, I think
you know what I heard,

and I'm giving you
just two seconds

to convince me that what I heard

I didn't really hear.

No, Sergeant.

I'm afraid you heard right.

It was Dolly.

Pyle, I thought I told you
to get her off the base.

Well, it was the middle
of the night, Sergeant.

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

See, it's going to take time

to find a stable.

All right, let's go
back to the beginning.

Just who did you buy this stupid
horse from in the first place?

From a farmer.

And she ain't stupid.

Okay, this farmer
you bought it from,

take her back.

But Sergeant, he was taking
her to have her put away.

I know that, Pyle.
Take her back.

But, Sergeant... Back, Pyle,
back, and that's an order.

Sergeant, just
think for a minute.

Is this something that we
want on our conscience?

Our conscience?

What are you
talking about, Pyle?

Putting Dolly away.

Don't you see, Sergeant?

It's something we'd have on our
conscience the rest of our lives.

What do you mean "we,"
Pyle? How did it become "we"?

You're the one that brought that
stupid nag here in the first place,

and if you can't get rid of
her, I will. Now where is she?

She ain't really
stupid, Sergeant.

Where is she?

Well, I've got her tied up
behind the water tower.

Okay, come on.

We're going to the
motor pool to get a truck.

We'll get rid of that
horse once and for all.

Do I have to,
Sergeant, do I have to?

You have to, yes.

Hey, Sarge, I've
been looking for you.

I've been over at headquarters.

They heard the whinny, right?
The colonel heard the whinny?

No. An ordnance team
from back East is on the base

and the Colonel wants
you to take the men out

on the test area right away.

Right away? Yeah, they're
doing some kind of demonstration.

In fact, the team's out
there now setting it up.

Okay, okay. Now hear this, Pyle.

You get that horse of yours
back to that farmer right now.

Understand? Yes, Sergeant.

And the minute
you hand him over,

you head straight back to the
test area, you got that, Pyle?

Yes, Sergeant.

But can I ask you
just one question?

Are we both sure that this
is really what we want to do?

Get out of here!

Yes, Sergeant. I
guess we are sure.

If I just had more time,
Dolly, just a little more time...

That's our answer, Dolly.

I'll hide you in
that shed till dark

and that'll give me
time to find you a place.

This is perfect, Dolly.

You'll be out of sight and
you'll be nice and safe.

Platoon, halt!

Right face!

At ease.

Pyle, how did you
get back here so fast?

Did you get rid of the horse?

Well, I... You didn't do it.

I can tell by the look on
your face you didn't do it.

Pyle, I gave you an order,
and when I give you an order

I expect it to be carried out!

Where'd you put the
horse? (jeep approaching)

Ten hut!

At ease.

Everybody here, Sergeant?

All present and
accounted for, sir.

Good. We'll get right
to the demonstration.

Where'd you put the horse?

Now, men, you're here to witness
a new type of plastic explosive.

One that's half the size,

yet packs twice
the explosive punch.

Where'd you put the horse?

I want you all to
look down there,

and you'll see what one
of these charges can do

to that old supply shed.

Now stand fast, watch closely
and no talking. (mouthing)

Now then, if there're no
questions, we'll proceed.

Sergeant Carter. Sergeant
Carter. Quiet, Pyle.

All right, men, we're ready.

Sergeant Carter.
Sergeant Carter, please.

Will you be quiet, Pyle?

You heard the
colonel, no talking.

But Sergeant...
All right, sir, all set.

Fine. Let 'er rip.



Hold it! Hold everything!

Sergeant, what in
the devil is going on?

Has Pyle gone crazy?

Well, uh, sir, the...

the shed happens
to be occupied, sir.

Occupied? Who's in there?

Well, it's not
exactly a who, sir.

It's an it.


Sir, I guess you'd
like an explanation.

Like I said, sir,
this is all my doings,

and I sure hope you
won't hold Sergeant Carter

and the rest of the
platoon responsible.

I suggest you take this horse

right back where
you got it from.

I understand your concern,

but we can't treat
horses like human beings.

We can't let them stand around
and wait for their time to come.

Yes, sir.

You better get
started right away.

I will, sir.

Let's get on with the
demonstration, Sergeant.

Aye, aye, sir.

Are you satisfied, Pyle?

Are you convinced now
that that horse has to go?

Or would you like a direct
order from the Pentagon?

No, Sergeant.

I know now it's the
only right thing to do.

And, well... don't
worry, this time I'll do it.

♪ ♪

What do you think?

It's pretty.

Not bad for an amateur, huh?

You mean, you're not an artist?

No. I just dabble a little.

Well, for a dabbler, it
sure is turning out pretty.

The branches on that
tree look almost real.


It's just a hobby I picked up

after I retired.

I own all this land,

and I've got nothing to
do now except paint it.

I figured if it's good enough

for Churchill and Eisenhower,
it's good enough for me.

Who knows? I may be
another Grandma Moses.

Well, it's real nice to come
out here in the fresh air

and sunshine and
the birds singing.

You get pretty sick of
reading the newspaper,

playing cards and
watching television.

I bet you do, at that.

This picture may
never win a prize...

May never even
be sold or anything.

It'll prove nothing, except
that somebody did it.

That somebody served a purpose.

It's like that tree.

May not mean anything
to anybody else,

but it does to me.

Why? Because I'm painting it.

To me, it's useful.

You're right.

That tree is
serving a purpose...

well, by just being there.

I never thought of it like that.

It's a good way to think.

Then you get the feeling

that you're not just
vegetating on a shelf.

You're serving some
purpose in life, and...

Still something to be...

Don't she look
good standing there?

Well... yes.

Don't you think she'd
look good in your painting?

I don't know.

Maybe she would.

Then she's all yours to
paint to your heart's content.

You see, sir,
Dolly's a lot like you,

and that old tree
out there, too.

She's getting on in years,

but, well, she'd
still like to be useful,

and well, posing for you

and adding something
to your painting...

Well... well, that'd do it.


maybe she would
round it out, at that.

How long could you
let me have her to pose?

Oh, you could have
her permanent, sir.

Permanent? But...

You see, I've been looking
for a real nice home for her.

And this place would be ideal.

Well, Dolly'd not only
be a good model for you,

but she'd make you a
wonderful and loyal friend.

Both of you being retired,

you'd be good
company for each other.

All right, son.


Well, well, hello there.

I don't have so many
friends around here

that I can afford
to turn down one.

Well, thank you, sir.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Well, good-bye, Dolly.

And see, there you
are, serving a purpose.

Hey, Sarge, look over here.


Now he's really flipped.

Come on, Boyle.


Another animal
you're saving, Pyle?

Have you gone crazy?

Have you lost your
mind completely?

There's no deal, you understand?

The deal's off.

Whatever agreement he
made with you... it's not legal.

It won't stand up in court.
He's mentally incompetent.

Sergeant, all I was...

And you come with me, Pyle.

I don't want to
hear another word.

Sergeant, you don't understand.

All I understand, Pyle,
is that you're not bringing

any elephants on this base.

Now get that
through your fat head.

No elephants.

But Sergeant, I wasn't
buying this elephant.

He's with the circus.

Huh? You see, the circus

is opening in town tonight,
and I was just asking

this feller where I
could buy tickets.

Say, Sergeant, would
you like to go with me?

I'm sure we'd have
a real good time.

Oh, just stay away
from me, Pyle.

Just stay away!