Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 21 - Gomer and the Queen of Burlesque - full transcript

Sergeant Hacker sets Gomer up with a burlesque dancer as a joke telling him that she's a school teacher from out of town. Gomer wins her over with his charm and when he finds out the truth he accepts her for who she is.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Have a nice evening, Sergeant.

Hey, Pyle.

Where you headed for tonight?

Well, I'd thought I'd
go over to the YMCA.

They're having a
glass-blowing demonstration.

It sounds like a don't-miss.

It sure does.

What are you
fellers going to do?

Aw, we don't know.

It's a toss-up between

a slide lecture
on Indian pottery

and an organ
recital at Town Hall.

So we'd thought we'd go
get a few beers and decide,

even if it took us all night.

Hey, fellas, how about a
quarter for a bowl of soup?

Aw, come on. I ain't
had nothing to eat

in a couple of days.
What do you say?

What do you say? No, no.

Here you go, mister.

Oh, bless you, son.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I'm glad there's a few
kind people left in this world.

Poor feller.

You're the patsy of all
time, you know that, Pyle?


Do you really think
he's going to go buy

a bowl of soup
with your quarter?

Well, that's what he said.

Sure, that's what he said.

And right now, he's
on his way to a store

to buy a bottle of muscatel.

He's a drunkie, Pyle. A wino.

The only soup he drinks
comes in shot glasses.

Don't you know that?

Well, no.

If a man tells me he's hungry

and wants a bowl of soup,
I've got to believe him.

Do you believe everything
people tell you, Pyle?

I try to.

People don't usually
go around telling lies.

In other words,
you're a believer.

You've got the faith, right?

You might say.

Pyle, you're beautiful.

Well, I'll see ya.

You know, I was just
thinking about Pyle.

Pyle? At a time like this?

Yeah, I'd like to get Pyle
together with Lila up there.


I'd like to introduce
her as a schoolteacher.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know how
Pyle has such faith.

I'd like to put it to the test

and introduce her
as a schoolteacher.

Oh! It'd be for his own good.

Wise him up a little,

and maybe we'd get a few laughs.

You want me to do what?!

Look, Lila, it's only
for a couple of dates.

We thought it
would be a funny gag

if you went out with
this Gomer Pyle.

Now, see, he doesn't
know who you are.

So after you spend
some time together,

we'd bring him down here
and he could see what you do.

Funny, huh?

Hysterical, except
for one little hang-up...

I don't dig practical jokes.

Now, beat it, fellas.

I have to get ready
for my next show.

Aw, come on, Lila.
We're big fans of yours.

We're here all the time.

Sure, honey. It's
just a small favor.

It'll be good for a few kicks.

You'll only go
out with him twice.

That's all there is to it.

What do you say,
huh, Lila? Please.

Well, since you are
fans of mine, I'll do it.

You hear that,
Jensen? She'll do it.

For 50 bucks.

50 bucks?!


I don't know, Sarge.

50 clams is a lot
of money for a gag.

Yeah... But look at
it this way, Jensen...

You're helping to
educate a fellow Marine.

And won't it be worth it

to get a look at his
kisser when he graduates?

I still think you
should've worn something

a little more conservative.

How am I going to sell Pyle

on you being a school
teacher in that outfit?

Look, you're only
paying me 50 bucks;

for that, I don't go out
and buy a new wardrobe.

Okay, okay.

He's not here yet;
we'll have to wait.

Uh, this is our rec hall.

I'm thrilled.

Would you care to sit
down over here and wait?

Can I get you anything?
A bottle of pop?

An ice cream bar?

Please, I'm nauseous
enough from the fresh air.

Gee, it's real nice of
you to ask, Corporal,

but I don't think I should
stop and play ping-pong

when I haven't aired
out my mattress.

Well, you can do that
later; forget work right now.

Come on, we'll get
in the next game.

Hey, look who's here.

Hiya, Sarge.

Hey, Jensen. Hiya, Pyle.

Nice to see you again, sir.

Yeah. Well, I'd like you
to meet my cousin Lila

who's visiting from out of town.

Lila, this is Ron
Jensen and Gomer Pyle.

Pleased to meet you.

Hi. Pleasure, ma'am.

Lila's down from
Seattle for the weekend.

Oh, well, I sure hope
you have a nice visit.

Yeah, well, she just
wanted to get away

from work for awhile...
and a little change of scene.

She's a schoolteacher.

A schoolteacher?

Well, ain't that interesting.

What grade do you teach?


Fifth. Fourth.

It's a split class.

Oh, well, that's
a wonderful age.

It must be real gratifying to
teach youngsters like that.

Yeah, it's a blast.

I-I mean, it's very nice.

Well, uh, it's sure nice
to meet you, ma'am.

I hope you have
a real nice time.

Oh, Pyle. Uh, wait a minute.

Are you doing
anything special tonight?

Tonight? No, I
don't have any plans.

Well, maybe you
could do me a favor.

You see, I got some
paperwork for tonight,

so I can't entertain Lila.

And I was wondering if
you could take her out.

Golly, I don't know.

Well, you see, she doesn't
know anybody down here

and I just hate to
think of her spending

Saturday night all alone.

No, that wouldn't
be very much fun,

especially being away from home.

All right, Miss Lila,

I'll be happy to
escort you tonight.


Oh, would a movie be all right?

A movie? I suppo...

Well, as long as I'm
back at my place by 10:00.

You know I have to be
back at my place by 10:00?

Yeah. schoolteachers...
You know the hours they keep.

That sure was an enjoyable
picture, wasn't it, Miss Lila?

It was a real winner.

Don't you just love
pictures about dogs?


You want to know
something, Miss Lila?

And I hope you
won't repeat this.

But you remember the
part near the waterfall

where the boy thought
that the dog was dead,

after he had pulled in the canoe

with the children in it?

Well, I started to well up.

I was just about to cry.

You did, huh?

Didn't it make you
want to cry, too?

Well, I wanted to cry

from the time I
walked into the theater.

Hey, hey... wait a minute.

Don't I know you?

Are you speaking to me, sir?

Not you, dodo... her.

Sure, sure. I've seen you.

You're the girl...
The veils, huh?

Come on, Gomer.

Of all the nerve.

I never saw that
man before in my life.

Well, you know what
they always say...

Everybody in the
world has their double

and you probably look
like a person he knows.

Gomer, I could
really go for a drink.

Would you mind?

A drink? Why sure.
Why didn't you say so?


I'm sure glad you
thought of this, Miss Lila.

These are really refreshing.

Yeah, I haven't had a
drink like this in years.

It's because they make
their own ice cream here

and they use two scoops.
Would you like another?

No, thank you. One's my limit.

Would you look at the time?

Gomer, I've got to go.

Well, I'll see you home.

Oh, no... no. I'll get a cab.

We have to do this
again, you know.


I mean, uh... I had
such a nice time,

and, uh, tomorrow's
my last day here

so we have to do it again.

Oh, well, fine.

How about tomorrow afternoon?


Well, not too early.

Just leave it to me.

I'll plan a little tour of
all the historical sites

and I'll explain it to you.

Ain't that something?

You're the schoolteacher

and I'll be explaining
things to you.

Ain't that funny?

Hey, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant, Corporal.

I was just waiting
up to thank you

for taking out my cousin again.

Did you two have a nice time?

We sure did.

We went to see this dog picture

that just about had
us both in tears.

And then we went and had
double-scoop ice cream sodas.

Double-scoop sodas...

Is that the way to
top off an evening?

And I'm taking her
out again tomorrow,

if it's all right with you.

Are you kidding?

I couldn't put her
in safer hands.

What are you going to do?

Well, this is really going to
come as a big surprise to her,

but I thought I'd take her to
see the county flower show

and then we'd hike up
and see the old mission.

Do you think she'll like that?

Well, good night.

I sure hope you enjoy
the show, Miss Lila.

You know, it ain't everybody
who enjoys looking at flowers.

I'm sure it's going
to be very exciting.

A person could
have a real wild time

in a place like this.

Are you sleepy, Miss Lila?

Well, I didn't get
to bed until 4:00.

4:00? But you left at 9:30.

What'd you do, stay
up and watch TV?

Uh, yeah. I fell asleep

watching the
educational channel.

Well, would you look at that!

What? Snapdragons.

Snapdragons... I
can hardly believe

they're blooming
this time of year.


And look at these hibiscus.

And looky over there!


I knew I should've
brought my camera.

Ain't it exciting?

Do you always get that
excited about flowers?

I sure do.

Most people take
flowers for granted,

but I just can't get over
the wonder of them.

Just think of it...
These are living things.

Not too long ago, they
was just seeds, and now

look at 'em... they're all
sizes, shapes, and colors.

And... Oh, my goodness!

They've got
everything here today.

Here's some dogwood.

My, my! That sure does
bring back memories.

My fourth-grade
teacher, Miss Moran,

she'd have a sprig of
dogwood on her desk;

kept it right over there
by the pencil sharpener.


So, now every time
it comes springtime,

I always think of Miss
Moran and her dogwood.

What do you keep on your desk?

Oh, uh... daffodils.


Daffodils, always a favorite.

What variety? Hmm?

The Golden Trumpet
or the King Alfreds?

Wait a minute. Don't
tell me, don't tell me.

I'll bet you had
the King Alfreds.

Yes, the Alfreds.

I knew it. I just knew it.

Most people prefer them
because they're bigger

and they stay in bloom longer.

Oh, excuse me a
minute, Miss Lila.

I'll be right back.

Here, Miss Lila,
this is for you.

Gomer, you didn't
have to do that.

Well, I know, but...

anybody that likes
flowers as much as you do

should have some.

Here, I'll pin 'em on for you.

People just don't realize

how fascinating an
old mission can be.

All the color and the history.

This mission here dates
all the way back to 1785.

It always gives me
kind of a funny feeling

that I might be standing
in the exact spot

that Father Serra stood in.


Father Junipero Serra.

He was the Franciscan monk
who founded this mission,

along with eight
others just like it.

Just imagine, a man like
that devoting his whole life

to bringing civilization
to the Indians.

He taught them farming
and how to raise livestock

and carpentry.

Hey, Father!

Well, Gomer, it's
good to see you.

How have you been?

I've been fine, Father.

Oh, by the way,

I'd like you to
meet Miss St. Clair,

a friend of mine
from out of town.

Oh, well, welcome to
our mission, Miss St. Clair.

We're always pleased to
have out-of-town visitors.

I thought she'd find
the mission interesting.

You see, she's a schoolteacher.

Oh, a teacher. That's nice.

I would like to escort
you around personally,

but the fact is, Gomer knows
the mission as well as I do.

It's nice meeting
you, Miss St. Clair.

Oh, and, uh...

here's a little souvenir
of our mission.

Thank you, Father.

That's one of those cards

with the monks'
thought for the day on it.

What's it say?

"May you be in
heaven a half hour

before the devil
knows you're dead."

Aw, that's nice.

That's the bell from
the mission chapel.

Sure does sound
pretty, don't it?


It's really nice sitting
on a shady bench

and watching the sun shine down

through the trees,

listening to the bell toll.

It's really peaceful.

You know, there's a spot
like this back in Des Moines.

That's where I was raised.

It's a beautiful park,

and a stream running through it.

I used to stand for hours
on this little wooden bridge,

just stare at the water.

Kind of gave me a chance
to think about things.


I haven't thought about
that little wooden bridge

in, oh, I don't know how long.

Everyone should have
a place they can go to

by theirselves to
think things out.

I think you're right.

You know something, Gomer?

I had a nice day.


Oh, thank you, Miss Lila.

I've had a real nice day, too.

Hey, Pyle!

Pyle, we've been
looking all over for you!

Hey, Sergeant, Corporal.

I was just on the
phone to my cousin.

She wants to go
out with you tonight.


But she's supposed to be
leaving for home tonight.

Yeah, well, uh,

she wants one of
those final farewells.

You know how women are.

Oh, uh, here's the address where

she wants you to meet her.

It's one of those little
out-of-the-way restaurants.

750 Wharf Street.

Isn't that that street

where all them bars
and honky-tonks are?

Yeah, there might be a
couple of those dives there,

but this is strictly
a class place,

right, Ron? First-rate.

Favorite of the gourmets!

Well, wouldn't you know it?

It takes an out-of-towner
like Miss Lila

to know where the
good places are.

You know what?

I think I'll stop off and
get her a farewell present.

That would be a
very nice gesture.

Well, she's a very nice lady.

And thank you very much
for giving me the message.

You know, Jensen,

he's been out
with her twice now,

and he still thinks
she's a schoolteacher.

He believes.

Oh, he believes.

Step right in, folks.

Okay, folks, showtime
in just a few minutes.

Plenty of good tables left.

No cover. No minimum.

Come on in, folks.

Well, pardon me, sir.

Uh, I'm not sure I
have the right address.

Is this 750 Wharf Street?

You got it, buddy.

Well, golly,

it don't look like
much of a restaurant.


Well, they serve food in there.

But just don't eat it.

Huh? Listen, Buddy,

the reason I'm
telling you this is

because I have a
boy in the service

and I think it's
my patriotic duty

to steer you guys right.

Have a couple of
beers, enjoy the show,

but forget about eating.

Well, thank you very
much for the advice.

Showtime in a few minutes.

I wonder why she
wanted to meet me here...

Plenty of good tables inside.

No cover. No minimum.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Anything from the bar?

Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.

I'm just waiting for a friend.

♪ ♪

Hey, Miss Lila.

I got your message
from Sergeant Hacker.

I hope I didn't
keep you waiting.

Gomer, I've got something
very important to tell you.

Oh, I already know
about it. You do?!

That the food here is terrible,

but don't worry, we'll
get something later on.

Here's a little
something I picked up.

It's sort of a little

Gomer, listen to
me. I want you to go.

I want you to get
out of here right now.


I lied to you.

I'm not a schoolteacher.

You're not?

No, I just told you that

so you wouldn't
know what I really did.

You see, I work here.

You do?

I'm a... Oh, I understand.

You're one of them
"pussycat" waitresses

and you didn't want me
to see you in your costume.

No, you don't understand.

Hey, Lila, come on!

Time to get started!

Gomer, please, will
you go right now?

But... I'll meet you later.

But right now, just go!

Hey, Pyle.

Sergeant, what
are you doing here?

Is this a coincidence?

This is the place you're
supposed to meet my cousin Lila.

Where you going?

Well, I was just on my way out.

Just on your way out?

But I thought you were
gonna meet her here.

Come on, sit down here.

Sergeant Hacker? Huh?

I'd like to ask you something
about your cousin Lila.

Is she all right?

Huh? Why do you ask that, Pyle?

Well, when I came
in here a while ago...

Ladies and gentlemen,

once again, it is showtime
here at the Persian Pussycat,

and in keeping
with our policy here,

we are bringing you tonight
a star-studded evening

of entertainment.

We're proud and happy
to present the loveliest girl

in the world!

And here she is...
that human bombshell,

our stellar attraction,
Miss Lila St. Clair!

♪ ♪



Oh, yeah, there we go.


Keep it up. Wild.

Walk it, baby. Yeah.

Walk it. Yeah.

Hey, Sarge, how come
we're not laughing?

Shut up, Jensen!

Who is it?

It's me, Miss Lila.

I didn't mean to
disturb you, but,

well, you forgot your present.

It ain't nothing
real fancy, but...

well, I hope you like it.

Ain't you gonna open it?

Because if you don't like it,

I'd be glad to exchange it.

You see, Gomer, it
was... it was all a gag.

Hacker and his buddy talked
me into going out with you,

just so they could bring
you down here tonight

and have themselves
a good laugh.

That's all there was to it,

just to see how you'd react.

Kind of a long way
to go for a gag, isn't it?

Well... it didn't
really hurt nothing.

After all, something
good came out of it.

If it hadn't been
for this little joke,

you and me never would
have got to meet each other

and ended up friends.


Gomer, you made friends
with a schoolteacher,

not a burlesque dancer.

Well, if that's your
chosen profession,

I don't see anything
wrong with it.

I don't care for that
kind of dancing myself,

but, well, if it's your line of
work, you must do it very well,

or else you wouldn't
be the star of the show.

Now, open up your present.

I sorta wanna
know how you like it.

It's a mission bell.

It's kind of a souvenir
of the day that we spent.

I frankly thought it'd
make a nice paperweight

for your school
desk, but... well...

I think it'll look just as nice
on your makeup table here.

Who is it?

It's me, Hacker.

Here's your 50 bucks.


Here's your money.

This one's on me.

What are you staring at?

Haven't you ever seen
a mission bell before?

Yeah, yeah, I'll get him.

Hey, Pyle, it's for you.

For me? Thank you.

Hey, Sarge, it's Lila St. Clair.

You're kidding!


Well, hey, Miss Lila.

Hey, Pyle.

What's up with you and Lila?

Yeah, what's going on?

Oh, well, it's about
her rubber plant.

Her what?

Well, ever since I took
her to that flower show,

she's gotten real
interested in flowers

so she went out and
bought herself a rubber plant.

And now she thinks
it's got the fungus

and she's just beside herself.

But you want to
know what I think it is?

I think the soil has
too much alkali in it.

I wasn't even planning
on going into town,

but you can't turn your
back on a sick plant.