Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 18 - Gomer Goes Home - full transcript

♪ ♪

Hey, Sergeant.

Oh, hi, Pyle.

What are you grinning about?

Well, don't you remember?

Today's the day.

The day? What day?

The day I go home on
leave. Don't you remember?

I put in for it way
back in October.

Oh, say, that's right.

You're going home for
a whole week, ain't ya?

I still can't believe
it, Sergeant.

Do you know how long it's
been since I've been home?

Exactly 42 months,
one week, two days,

12 hours, give or
take a few minutes.

I don't blame you
for being excited.

It's a great feeling
getting home.

I remember when
I had my last leave.

What a thrill it
was arriving in town

and seeing that big banner,
"Welcome home, Vince."

It was strung across
Main Street, was it?

Uh, no, it was strung
across my mother's window.

Whenever I get home,

that clothes line comes
down, and the banner goes up.

Well, she must just
be busting with pride

having a son like you.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, here are your
leave papers, Pyle.

All signed and ready to go.

Have a great trip.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I just can't wait to
see the look of surprise

on Andy's face when I walk in.

I purposely didn't write to him.

Oh? Well, have a good time.

I just can't wait

to see all those folks
back there in Mayberry...

Andy and Opie, Aunt
Bee and Cousin Goober.

Yeah, well, good-bye, Pyle.

I'm sure you're
anxious to get started.

You remember
Andy, Opie, Aunt Bee

and Cousin Goober, don't you?

You know, Andy's the
sheriff of Mayberry...

I know. I know. Be
sure to give 'em my best.

Andy, Opie, Aunt Bee, or
Cousin Goober, or all of 'em?

All of 'em, all
of 'em. Go, Pyle.

I'll be writing you
picture postcards,

or if I have time,
maybe even a letter.

Good-bye, Pyle!

Which do you prefer, Sergeant?

One long, newsy letter,
or lots of picture postcards?

Anything! Go, Pyle!

'Cause I'll do either one.

Pyle, get out of here?!

♪ ♪

My, oh, my!

Nothing's changed.
Nothing's changed at all.

Hey, Grover.

Are you still here?


Surprise! Surprise!

Sur... prise.

Well, after 42 months,

one week, and two days,

ten more minutes ain't
gonna matter much.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Gomer.

Are you busy?

No. Come on in.

What's on your mind?

♪ From the halls of Montezuma ♪

♪ To the shores of Tripoli ♪

♪ We fight our
country's battles ♪

♪ On the land and on the sea ♪

♪ First to fight for
right and freedom ♪

♪ And to keep our honor clean ♪

♪ We are proud
to claim the title ♪

♪ Of United States Marine. ♪

Oh, that's nice, Gomer.

You know what that's all about?

Uh... over the weekend,

you went to see a
John Wayne movie?

No. Guess again.

Well... I'm in!

You're in what?

The United States Marine Corps.

The United States Marine Corps?

Right. See, here's
my enlistment papers

and this book that shows
where I'm going and everything.

Hey, there.

Can I help you?

Oh. Well, I was
looking for Andy Taylor.

Do you happen to
know where he is?

Yeah, he's off on a
camping trip right now.

I came down from
Raleigh to fill in for him.

I'm Captain Rogers.

Oh, well, I'm Gomer Pyle.

Do you happen to know

whether his family went with
him or not... Aunt Bee and Opie?


Well, golly.

This sure is a disappointment.

You see, I just
got home on leave,

and, well, I was hoping
I'd surprise 'em all, and...

well, it appears the
surprise is on me.

Well, why didn't you write
and tell them you were coming?

Well, I never figured

they'd be away on
vacation this time of year.

And like I said, I
wanted it to be a surprise.

Do you know how long
they're gonna be gone?

Well, it depends on the
weather and the fishing.

If the bass and
crappie are biting,

they might be gone
a week or more.

Oh, heck!

That's just how
long my leave is.

We're gonna miss each
other the whole time.

Well, that's a shame.

Anything I can do?

Oh, no, thanks.

Guess I'll just go
over to the hotel

and check in and
maybe look around.

Thank you, sir,

and I hope to see you
again while I'm here.

Drop in anytime.

Thank you.

Hey, Mr. Ferguson!

Gomer Pyle, as I
live and breathe!

Welcome home, son.

Are you back to stay?

No, sir, I'm just home on leave.

Well, it's great
to see you again.

And you're looking
fine, boy, just fine.

Well, so are you.

You haven't changed a bit.


Mr. Ferguson, uh, where's
Floyd's Barbershop?

Didn't it used to be right here?

Oh. Emmett bought
Floyd out about a year ago.

Floyd's retired now

and living with his
daughter up to Mt. Pilot.

Daughter's separated
from her husband, you know.

Well, I'll be.

Floyd not here anymore...
It just don't seem possible.

Yeah. If you're looking for
a haircut, don't go in here.

The only thing they got to
clip you with is a lawnmower.

Well, gee, have there
been any other changes

around Mayberry
since I've been gone?

Oh, lots of big things
happening here!


You know, we got a
coin-operated laundry

and dry cleaning store now.

You don't say!

And the latest rumor is,

some big combine from Raleigh

is thinking of
opening a carwash.

Does your car in five minutes.

Everything is machines
nowadays, Gomer.


How'd you get down here?

Airplane and a bus.

See there?

Well, I guess I'll be checking
into the hotel, Mr. Ferguson.

I'll see ya.

Good-bye, son.

A-And keep America strong!

Well, hey, Miss Petrie!

Hello, Gomer.

I haven't see you
for a few weeks.

What have you been
doing with yourself?

Oh, well, I've been
in the service, ma'am.

In the Marines.

You have?

Did you just join up?

Well, no, ma'am. I've
been in for four years.

That long?

Well, I just don't remember
things like I used to.

Oh, I understand.

Sure was nice seeing
you, Miss Petrie,

and I hope to see you
again before my leave's over.

Oh, Gomer, this
isn't Christmas, is it?

Uh, no, ma'am, it ain't.

Then I won't wish you
Christmas Greetings.

Hey, Goober!

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you was Goober.

Goober ain't here.

Well, would you happen to
know where I could find him?

About 500 miles from here

on a camping trip with
the sheriff and his family.

Well, I'll be.

I come 3,000 miles
on my first leave,

and everybody's gone somewhere.

You want I should tell
him who stopped by?

Well, his cousin, Gomer.

Gomer? Gomer Pyle?!

From the Marines?

Well, why didn't you
say so in the first place?

I'm Virgil.

Goober left me in
charge while he's away.

Well, how do you do?

Yes, sir, I've heard a
lot about you, Gomer.

I always wanted to meet you.

Well, thank you.

Tell me, how is it
in the Marines, huh?

Well, just fine.

Really get to say it much?

Say what?

"Gung ho."

Do you really say it?

Well, yeah, we
say it all the time.

Say it once.

Let me hear a
real marine say it.

Gung ho!

Doggone, how you say that!

Excuse me.

Goober's Service Station.

Virgil speaking.

Well, hello, Mrs. Watson.



Well, that's a shame.

Well, don't worry about a thing.

I'll be right over and
try to start it for you.

No trouble at all. Bye.

Mrs. Watson's got
a doctor appointment

in Syler City, and
her car won't start.

Takes hours to fix her jalopy.

Know why?

'Cause it's a 1942 model.

That car's as old as I am!

Well, think of it.

The year that car
was made, I was born.

Well, who'd ever thought

that car was gonna
be fixed one day

by that little baby
laying in the hospital?

Well, I got to
lock up for a while.

Well, wait a minute.

You don't have to lock
up if you don't want to.

I'd be happy to take
over for you. You sure?

Well, I'm not doing
much right now,

and, besides, it'd be fun

getting back at
my old job again.

Well, that'd be just fine.

I won't be more than
a couple of hours.

Just... Just make
yourself at home.

Well, thank you.

Soda pop machine's
working, if you got a dime.

Well, don't worry about me.

I'll just set here on the bench

and count out-of-state
license plates,

just like the good old days.

Hey, fella.

Say, how about a little service?

Sure thing, fill 'er up?

No, no, we've got plenty of gas,

but the engine's been acting up.

Would you mind taking
a look at it, please?

Glad to.

Mm-mm, no wonder
she's giving you trouble.

The spark plug line
is burnt clear through.

And the radiator hose is
dripping something fierce.

Looks like she's
spitting up a lot of oil.

And them points
sound like they're wore

right down to a nub.

Yeah, well, uh,

do you think you can fix it?

I sure can.

Golly, digging
into a motor again!

Now I'm beginning
to really feel at home.

Hey, fella, will you
be much longer?

I'm finished.

That car of yours is
sure in some awful shape.

You mean even after
you fixed everything?

Well, I didn't fix everything.

You still got that oil leak

'cause I didn't have
no new pinion seal.

She'll be leaking on
you while you drive,

but at least she'll
run for a while.

That's all right. Thanks a lot.

Oh, no need thanking me.

It was a pleasure just
getting the feel of grease

all over me again.

I'll make out your bill.

Not officially working
here, it wouldn't be fair

to charge you labor, so I'll
just charge you for the parts.

You can pay cash or charge it.

They honor most
credit cards here.

Will they honor
one of these, too?

Give us what you
got in the cashbox

and make it fast.

Well, I just didn't know
what to do, Captain.

Everything happened so fast.

They was out of sight

before I could get to
a phone and call you.

Sorry day! Sorry day
when I let you take over!

All right, all right! It's done.

Now, can you give
me a description?

Well, it was a 1953...

No, no... you already
told me about the car.

Can you give me a description
of the men? The men?

I sure can. I'll never
forget them as long as I live.

Okay, shoot. How tall were they?

Well, they weren't tall.

They weren't short.

You might say they was medium.

Kind of medium to tall or short.

How about the weight?
Were they big men?

No, they weren't big.
Were they skinny?

No, they weren't
skinny, neither.


Medium to fat or skinny. Yeah.

I'll never forget
them as long as I live.

Pyle, can't you think

of anything specific
about those men?

I sure can. One of
them was carrying a gun.

Gosh sakes, Gomer!

Couldn't ya tell they were
crooks just by looking at 'em?

Well, they was both
wearing neckties.

But all that proved was that
they were strangers in town.

That old broken down
car they come in with,

well, who've thought
two holdup men

would've come in an
old clunker like that.

The car was in bad shape?

Something terrible.

I don't even know how
it made it into the station.

It had no zip at all.

Well, why didn't you
say so in the first place?

If the car has no zip at all, it
won't too hard to catch up with.

Captain Rogers. Yes?

I think I ought to tell you,

that car had a lot more zip

going out than coming in.

What do you mean?

I fixed it.

You fixed the getaway car?!

Well, I didn't know it was
the getaway car when I fixed it.

I better get out of here.

Captain, I think I can find
that car for you though.

Oh, and how do you
intend to go about it?

Well, one of the
things that I didn't fix

was a broken pinion seal,

and it's leaking like a sieve.

See there?

So all we've got
to do is to follow

these oil spots and it ought
to take us right to the car.

Follow the oil spots?

Pyle, it'll be dark in an hour.

Now, will you do me a favor
and leave the police work to me?

But, Captain, I feel
responsible for this,

and it was my cousin
Goober's money.

I want to help out some way.

And the one thing I
don't need right now

is an amateur detective.

So just steer clear, huh?

Oh, and another thing.

Stay away from this gas station.

I don't want you fixing
any more getaway cars.

Captain! Captain!

You got any other men
besides these deputies around?

Not between here
and the state highway.

Who do you figure that is?

Douse your lights!

Everybody get down
till I give the signal.


Put your hands
up and turn around!


All right, what are
you doing out here?

Well, I was following
them oil spots

like I was telling you about.

You know, from that busted
pinion seal. See there?

Seems like there's been
one about every 50 feet

ever since I left
the service station.

Pyle, you're hampering

police operations
being out here.

Now, supposing you go
home and stay out of the way.

But, Captain, if I
just follow this trail, I...

You heard me. Go on home!

But, Captain... Go on!


Hi, there.

Well, well, look who's here.

Hey, Frank!

Look who's going
to give us a lift.

Well, well, well...

If it ain't old Handy
Andy himself.

Boy, when he gives service,
he really gives service.

That's what I call
Southern hospitality.

I'm going to sit in the
front seat with you,

so you don't feel
like a chauffer.

Are you fellers heading
back to Mayberry?

Well, we weren't planning on it.

Oh, well, that's
where I'm going.

So, could you just
drop me off at the fork?

'Cause that's the
cutoff back to Mayberry.

We got a better idea.

You keep driving us
to where we're going.

We like your company.

Oh, well, I really
should be getting back.

You see, I just got into
town, and there's lots of folks

that I haven't even
said "hello" to yet...

I'll say "hello" later.

What are we stopping
for? Where are we?

Well, this is the fork I
was telling you about.

The road to the left takes
you back to Mayberry.

I know you don't
want to go there.

And the road to the right
takes you out of town.

That's the one you want.

We go to the left.

To the left, but...

Yeah, we know when
we're being conned.

You're trying to lead
us right back to the cops.

Now, when you
recommend right, we go left.

Now, get going.

What kind of crazy
driving is that?!

Well, I-I really
couldn't help it.

You see, I think there's

something wrong with
this steering mechanism.

It's all I can do to hold
her steady. Well, watch it.

We want to get to where
we're going in one piece.

Yes, sir.

Pyle! I told you, Captain.

I told you all you had to
do was follow them oil spots

and that's exactly what I did.

Well, I'll be darned.

You mean, you tracked
them down that way?

Of course, by the time
I had found the car,

it had broken down again,
but I had counted on that.

Then I fixed it.

Then we managed to
bump into each other again.

Well, but how did you happen
to come down this road?

Well, I figured if I told
them to take the other road,

then they would make
me take this road,

where I knew you was waiting.

Well, I'll be.

You mean, you
really planned all this?

Of course, I didn't know
whether you'd still be here or not,

so I pretended that
the steering was bad

and I started zigzagging,

hoping I'd draw some attention,

which I guess I did.

All right, take 'em away.

Just a minute, Captain.

Can I say something
to these fellas?

Sure. Fellas,

I hope what just happened to you

will be a lesson to both of you.

I just hope wherever
it is they send you,

you'll take lots of time
out and think about this.

Maybe if you're lucky,
they'll put you in leather craft

or something where
you can learn a trade.

Okay, take them away.

Try to spend a lot
of time at the library.

And join the glee club
there if they've got one.

But the main thing to do
is to get yourself a hobby.

Something like
stamp collecting...

Just so you're not by yourself

and in the path of temptation!

Well, Gomer, I'm sorry

you didn't get a chance
to see your friends.

Well, me, too,
but I figure it don't

make much sense
my hanging around.

So I'll head on
back to the base.

So long, Captain Rogers, it
was a pleasure meeting you.

The pleasure's mine, and
thanks again for everything.

It was nice to share a mission

with the United States Marines.

I'll give everyone your best.

Tell them I'll write to them.

Bye, Grover, I'll
see you next time.

Andy! Opie!

Aunt Bee! Cousin Goober!

Andy! Opie!

♪ ♪