Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Prize Boat - full transcript

♪ ♪



Pyle... Pyle.


Pyle... Pyle.

Pyle... Pyle... Pyle.



Pyle... "The Pretty
Pink Petunia Company"?

Must be those flower
seeds I sent away for.

They send you a free
sample along with a booklet

on "petunia raising
for fun and profit."

Gosh, can I read it
when you're through?

I know you're
just kidding, Joey,

but it's just plain wonderful
what you can get for free

by just sending away for it.

Well, the postcard's mine,
and all the rest are Pyle's.

Cure Your Cold By Hypnotism.

ABCs of Kelp Farming.

Plywood and You.

Freighter Cruises
To The Antarctic.

Dental Technology For Beginners.

Migrate Now To Paraguay.

Some of the companies
send you free samples

of the things they
got coming out.

Like this here shaving cream.

It's brown instead of white,

and it leaves your
face suntanned

after you finish shaving.

Would you like to try?

Got a guy around
here named Pyle?

Over there.

Your name Pyle?

Gomer Pyle?

Yes, sir.

Sign here, delivery.

A delivery?

Just sign it, will you?

I got to get my
truck out of here.

Don't tell me you've got a
whole truckload of petunia seeds.

What are you delivering?

See for yourself.

Let's go see what it is.

This is yours?

Well, it can't be.

Well, I-I just don't understand.

Sir, I'm afraid
there's been a mix-up.

Your name's
Gomer Pyle, ain't it?

Well, yes, sir, but,
well, who... how... what?

It's one of the prizes

from the Frost Flip
Bottling Company.

You entered the
contest, didn't you?

Well, yes, sir, I think
so... So you won.

Happy sailing.

How about that, Pyle?

Your own boat.

It's a beauty.

You going to give
us a ride, Gome?

A boat.

Maybe we can put
it in the parking lot.

Come on, you guys.

Not now; we have to
get over to the rifle range.

We'll move it after we get back.

Okay, come on!

Let's go.

A boat.

Those clowns get
over to the rifle range?

Yeah, about an hour ago.

When they get back,

send them to sick bay
for their booster shots.

A boat?

What's that?

On a Marine base?

Anything wrong?

For a minute I thought
I saw a boat out there.

A boat? You're kidding.

I know it was a hallucination,
but it looked so real.

Maybe I ought to go
to the doctor's, too.

Left, left, left.


Halt, two, three.

Right face.


All right, let's get it over
to the parking lot, let's go.

All right, everybody, heave-ho!

You know, I have been
pushing pretty hard.

Could be I need
a nice, long rest.

You look okay to me, Sarge.

Maybe you could
use a little more sleep,

but outside of that...

There it is again, Boyle.

I'm really seeing things.

You're not seeing things, Sarge.

There is a boat out there.

All right, what's
going on here?!

We're just taking this
boat to the parking lot.

Where did it come from?

Whose is it?

It's mine, Sergeant, I think.


This belongs to you?

Yes, sir, I won it in a contest.

How about that, Sarge?

Isn't it a handsome one?

All right, knock it off.

You clowns clear out of here.

Boyle, get them over
for their booster shots.

Fall in!

All except you, Pyle.

Did you want to
see me, Sergeant?

Yeah, in the office.

I want to hear the whole
story about this boat.

I never heard anything
so stupid in all my life.

A boat on a Marine base?

All right, now let's
hear it, nice and slow.

Well, this Frost Flip
soda pop company

had this contest
to write a jingle,

so I sent one in.

A jingle, what kind of jingle?

Well, as I remember it, it
went something like this:

"Here's a tip... Take
a nip of Frost Flip.

"It's got flavor galore and
much, much, much more,

with vip and zip in each sip."

With zip and vip?

With vip and zip... in each sip.

For that, you won a boat?

Believe me, Sergeant, I'm
just as surprised as you are,

but you don't have
to worry about a thing.

It won't get in anybody's way

because I decided to
send it back to the company.

You're going to send it back?

Well, I hope they won't
think I'm too ungrateful,

but I've come to realize

that a boat'd be
just too much for me,

what with the expenses and all,

so it's best I send it back.

And end up with nothing?

Oh, just the joy of winning

is reward enough
for me, Sergeant.

Pyle, come with me.

Have you ever thought how
much fun you could have on a boat?

Yeah, I guess it could be fun.

You bet it could.

Uh, look, Pyle,
you might be right.

This may be too much for
you to swing all by yourself,

but now, if you had a partner,

then it wouldn't
be no sweat at all.

A partner?

Well, sure.

I might even go in with you.

You would?


I'll take care of
all the expenses.

I mean, what could
that be? Gas and oil?

I pay the whole freight.

You don't have to do
anything except supply the boat.

What do you say?

Golly, Sergeant, that
sounds just perfect.

Why, I'd be honored to be
partners with you on anything.

Then it's a deal.

We're partners.

We can even use my car
to tow it down to the ocean.

Come on.

Well, there's just one thing
that worries me, Sergeant.

It sounds like I'm getting
the best part of the deal.

Are you sure this
is being fair to you?

Don't worry, Pyle.

It's going to be
all right for me.

Yes, sir, it's going to
be plenty all right for me.

Come on, Pyle.

Let's hook that boat on my car.

I guess that does it, Sergeant.

Okay, let's put the
show on the road.

Hop in.

Ah, it's a beautiful
day to break in a boat.

All set, Pyle?

Yes, sir, Sergeant.

This is going to be the
start of something wonderful.

Anchor's aweigh!

Golly, Sergeant.

Pulled the bumper
right off the car.

That's just the reason I
was afraid of owning it.

Right away, there is an expense.

You're probably gonna
need a new bumper.

Guess it wasn't on too good.

This is a terrible way for us to
begin our partnership, Sergeant.

Forget it, Pyle.

So I'll just get
myself a new bumper.

Well, golly, that's
really going to cost.

Well, how much can it be?

My department...
Don't worry about it.

Besides, it's nothing

when you realize I'm getting
a new boat out of the deal.

Come on, there's a
garage a half mile from here.

The guy can put on a new bumper

in no time at all.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

Afternoon, sir.

May I see your
driver's license, please?

Yes, sir.

Is the car registered
in your name?

Yes, sir.

Uh, what's the trouble?

Well, when pulling a trailer,

your car has to have an
extended rearview mirror.

An extended rearview mirror?

I didn't know
anything about that.

Yeah, well, these things
happen the first time out,

so I'll pay the fine.

You give tickets in duplicate?

No, this ticket is
because you don't have

a safety chain on your hitch.

Well, at least we didn't
get one for speeding.

The limit's 65 and I
was only going 60.

We are getting one for speeding?

Pulling a trailer,
the limit's 50.

It could be worse.

If it was night, you'd
get another one

for not having side lights.

See, Sergeant, there's a
good side to everything.

Would you sign
right here, please?

This is going to
cost me a fortune.

Well, you should
have checked the rules

before you took to the road.

And here.

And one more.

Here you are.

And... one... two... three.

Better get those things
taken care of right away.

First the bumper and
now this, Sergeant.

Golly, I'd already be
busted if it wasn't for you.

Boat owning's sure a lot
easier when you got a partner.


Well, there they are,
Pyle, our fellow mariners.

In a couple of minutes,
we'll be out there with them.

It's going to be great.

What's the matter?

I was just thinking about
our partnership, Sergeant.

What with the bumper and
the tickets and everything,

it's really beginning to add up.

Forget it, Pyle.

Having the boat is
more than worth it.

So there are a couple
of little expenses.

I'm a partner; I got
to lay out something.

I suppose so.

All we got to do
now is gas her up

and slide her into the water.

Come on.

Hey, Sergeant.

What? Look.

"Boat licenses sold here."

Do we need a license?

I don't know.

Well, I guess we'd better
go inside and find out.


Ahoy, there.


Uh... that boat
we got out there...

Do we need a license for that?

For all boats, fill this out.

Good for three years.

I'll do it, Sergeant,

and I insist on
paying half the license.

Uh, that license for three
years... how much is it?

Five bucks.

That's two dollars
and a half for me.

Hold it, hold it.

It's my pleasure.

I said I would pay
all the expenses

and when Vince Carter
makes a deal, it's a deal.

Not a penny from you.

His money's no good
here, understand?


Okay, Sergeant.

All right... let's see now.

One, two, three, four, five.

There you go.

How long would you say
that boat of ours is, Sergeant?

You'll find all that
on the old license

of the guy you bought it from.

But there is no old license.

It's a brand-new boat.

New boat?

That's right.

This ain't no second-hand
tub we're talking about.

It's factory fresh,
first time in the water.

"First time in the water"?

Here's your license sticker.

Let me finish that for you.

Where's your boat?

It's right out there,
the one on the trailer.

Oh, it's a beautiful
boat, 20-footer.

Don't put it away yet. Huh?

Well, it's a new boat.
She'll be needing things.

Oh, look, buddy.

We don't want none
of them flags and junk.

We don't need anything.

Oh, so you've got your
life preservers, hmm?

"Life preservers"?

Well, no, but we're both
good swimmers and...

It's the law, a life preserver
for every passenger.

Makes good sense.

Safety first.

How much are they?

Ten dollars a piece.

Six for $50. Most
people buy them that way.

Fifty dollars?!

Yeah, well, we just want two.

That's for the two of us.

Right, why should you get
something you don't need?

Since you won't be taking
out any girls, two is plenty.


Uh, just a minute.

Make that a dozen.

A dozen life preservers.


Don't put it away. Huh?

Now, the law requires
a couple of other things:

a compass and a bailing pump.

I'll let you have that for $17.

To put a 20-footer
in the water...

And I'm giving you guys

a chance to get in
on a real good deal.

As all you guys know,

Pyle has got this here boat,

and I offered the use of
my car to pull it around.

Well, it just don't
seem fair for us

to hog the whole
thing to ourselves,

so we decided to let

the whole platoon in
on our good fortune.

Now, as many of you
guys that are interested in

sharing in the fun,

and whatever incidental
expenses there may be,

just sign right here
and we're in business.

Hey, sounds good.

These expenses,
Sergeant, what are they?

Well, like, uh...
there's the license.

That's, uh, five
bucks for three years.

Say we got ten guys,

that's 50 cents
apiece for three years.

All right, step right up.

One at a time
now, don't crowd...

Atten-hut! At ease.

This your boat, Sergeant?

Yes, sir, but it's just
here temporary, sir.

Nice-looking job, very trim.

Thank you, sir. But it's
blocking the roadway.

Better move it. Aye, aye, sir.

Get their signatures,
I'll be right back.

Well, that certainly
sounds good,

50 cents for three years.

Give me that pen, Pyle.

Well, there's the
other things, too.

What "other things"?

Well, there's the
life preservers

and the compass
and the bailing pump.

Sergeant didn't have
time to name them all.

How much is all?

Well, it's about
$200 to start off with.

And then there's five dollars

every time it goes
into the water,

or $40 a month for a dock space,

and there's the insurance.

And if we want a bait tank,

then we have to buy
one of those for fishing.

Great bunch of guys.

I bet it was unanimous, huh?

It sure was, Sergeant.
Give me that.

This is what we should've
done right from the beginning.

What? Where's...?

Well, none of them
wanted in, not one.


What's wrong with them guys?

Sergeant, why don't
we sell the boat?

No! We're still going
to swing it ourselves,

even without them clowns.

And when they see what
great fun we're having,

they're going to come crawling.

Now, let's see, I
got just enough

to handle the
insurance and the dock...

I still think we
ought to sell it,

and that way I could
pay you back everything,

and then we wouldn't
have any more problems.

Look, if somebody
came along and offered us

a big, fat profit for
it, sure we'd sell it.

Then we could buy another
one and come out ahead.

Another boat?

That's right.

But until that happens,
we're holding on to this one.

There can't be
any more problems.

We got everything
the law requires.

What else can there be?

You mean Pyle is
going to have to pay

an income tax on
that boat? That's right.

One of my main duties
with the tax department

is assisting contest winners.

Most people don't
realize that prizes

are treated as ordinary income.

Yeah, I guess not.

And the amount of
the tax will depend,

of course, on the
value of the boat.

So if you'll ask
him to fill in...

Hi, Sarge. Pyle.

Pyle? Uh, this is Mr. Markham.

He wants to talk to
Pyle about the boat.

Oh? Yes, sir, what
can I do for you?

Well, I'd like to find out what
you think the boat is worth.

I'm sure that we can agree
on something reasonable.

Golly, I don't know. I
imagine it's worth, well...

Why? Uh, you interested
in buying it, buddy?

Well, fact is...

Because if you
are, the price is,

uh, $7,000.

That much, Sergeant?

Well, I wouldn't even
think it's worth half that...

Pyle's right, Sarge. It's
not worth anywhere near...

What do you guys know?

I'm telling you,
buddy, seven grand,

maybe more.

That does seem high.
Are you quite sure?

Look, I'm a partner.

Don't you think I
know what I own?

A partner? You
mean, uh, part owner?

Yeah, him and me, 50-50.

And if you're
interested in buying it,

the price is 7,000
bucks, not a penny less.

Oh, I'm not
interested in buying it.

I'm from the Internal
Revenue Service.

Internal Revenue
Service? Yes, you'll pay

a tax based on the
value of the boat,

which now appears to
be considerably more

than I'd estimated.

But there's a bright side.

You won't have
to pay all the tax

since the Sergeant
here has informed me

that he is co-owner.

Then you will pay the
tax on half the boat.

Pay tax on half the boat?

Excuse me.

What's all this?

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

I thought we agreed
that the only way

to pay the taxes and
to get your money back

is to sell the boat.

But just putting a
sign on it won't sell it.

It won't? Never.

You've got to use salesmanship,
the personal approach.

Give me Sergeant
Dubinsky at the Commissary.

Dubinsky's perfect.

He's got all kinds of money,

and I can sell anything
to that meathead.

Hello, Gus? Vince.

Yeah, how's the family?

Good, good.

Great bunch of kids.

You know, I was just
thinking, with a family like that,

what could be better
for you all to enjoy

during their growing
years than a boat?

Now, it just so
happens that... huh?

Yeah, a boat.

What's so funny about that?

Look, it's a great
buy, brand-new.

Gus, will you stop laughing?


Does he want to buy it?

The guy's got no class.

Who needs him anyway?

Get me Sergeant
Hacker, Company C.

The line's busy?

Well, I'll wait.

I should've called
him in the first place.

He'll take it just like that.

Hello, Charley? Vince.

Say, I was... What
are you laughing at?

Dubinsky just phoned
you about the boat.

All right, all right, forget it!

Sergeant, maybe I'd
better go over there

and put our phone number
on that "For Sale" sign.

That way, people
will be calling us.

Pyle, will you forget
about that sign?

It don't mean a thing.

Believe me, the
only thing that counts

is personal hustle.

Attention! At ease.

About that boat, Sergeant...

Yes, sir. We're going
to move it, Lieutenant.

We'll have it out
of there right away.

Why, have you sold it?

No, sir, not yet.

Oh, good, I saw

the "For Sale" sign
on it and I'm interested.

If the price is reasonable,
I'd like to buy it.

Did you hear that, Sergeant?

The Lieutenant seen the sign.

Well, it's all done, Sergeant.

We delivered the boat
where the Lieutenant wanted it.

Now we can cash his check
and get you your money back.

What's the matter?

Sure is a pretty
thing, ain't it?

Yeah, she's real sweet looking.

And we never got out on it.

No, we never did.

Well, it just ain't right.

We're entitled to at least

one ride on it after
all we've been through.

One ride anyway.

The boat belongs to
the Lieutenant now.

You haven't cashed
the check yet.

I just got to get on that
baby once, come on.

Get in the boat.

Cast off the line, Pyle.

Listen to that.

Purrs like a kitten.

Yeah, it sounds real nice.

This is going to be
our first and last trip.

But we're going to
make it a great one.

I'll take it out to sea and
we'll really give it a ride.

Oh, you might as well
get rid of that sign now.

But Sergeant, I...

Just pull it out! We
don't need it anymore.

Sergeant. Not now, Pyle.

But, Sergeant...

Pyle, you never
talk to the captain

when you're casting off.

Okay. We're pushing off.

♪ Oh, sailing, sailing ♪

♪ Over the bounding main... ♪
But, Sergeant!

Where did all this
water come from?

It's coming from over here.

Pyle, you stupid...!

Well, it never would've
happened if I had a claw hammer.

Boy, that thing was
really nailed in there.

Pyle, will you shut
up and get the pump!

Get the bailing pump!


Hold that!

Boy, that fella at the store
was right about one thing,

we really did need this pump.


I think he's right
about something else.

I think we're going to
need those life preservers.

Hey, Sergeant!

I've got some good
news for a change.

Oh? I just talked to
Mr. Markham on the phone.

You know, the man from
the Internal Revenue?

And he said since the boat sank,

it's considered a casualty
loss, so there's no tax owed on it.

Well, that's something anyway.

I still feel real bad about
you having to spend

all that money on traffic
tickets and safety supplies.

What can I do, Pyle?

I gambled and lost.

Well, one good thing
came out of this, Sergeant.

I've learned my lesson.

I ain't gonna never
enter another contest.

Just like this application
I just got in the mail.

You know what I'm
going to do with it?

I'm going to throw it right
here in this waste basket.

I don't care if they are giving
away a brand-new convertible.

I just ain't interested.

"A brand-new convertible"?

The White on White Soap Company

for the best last
line to their jingle.

Let's see that.

"The soap for you
is white on white..."

White, white... What
rhymes with white?

But, Sergeant... A
fight, light, bright...

Well, don't just
stand there, Pyle.

Think of some words.

Sight, bite... Might, night...

Trite, white... Sight...