Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 9 - Gomer Pyle, Super Chef - full transcript

Gomer works in the mess hall and makes a real mess of things. When a visiting Colonel eats there he gets a real surprise.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Okay, it's open for a buck.

Okay, Vince, I'm in.

I'll see it.

Come on, Carter, deal
'em like you know how.

Listen to the maharajah
of the mess hall.

How many cards?

I'll take three.

Give me two.



And I'll play these.

Cost you two clams to see 'em.

Okay, Vince, I'll
keep you honest.

That's it for me.

Read 'em and weep, sucker.

Two pair... aces and jacks.

Not so fast, sport.

I got 15.

What?

Three little fives.

Looks like he
outdrew you, Sarge.

You should only have so much
luck with your chow, Hacker.

We'd be eating like kings.

I don't know about my chow,



but I just cooked your goose.

Cooked his goose.

(laughing)

(mocking laugh)

Hey, Sergeant, I got it.

Huh?

Don't you remember?

You told me to stop by
and pick up your uniform

at the dry cleaners.

Dry cleaners?

He's already been taken to
the cleaners, haven't you, Vince?

Okay, Pyle, just
hang it in the locker.

Wait a minute, let's see
what kind of work they did.

That's not my uniform.

That skirt... it's a woman's.

Why don't you try it on, Vince?

Maybe it'll change your luck.

Can't you ever
do anything right?

I gave you a
simple little job...

Go over to the cleaners
and pick up my uniform.

Was that too much for that
peanut brain of yours to absorb?

I'm sorry about that, Sergeant.

But it said "Sergeant
Carter" on the bill.

I did? Where?

You're right, Pyle, it did.

It says "Carter" all right...

Sergeant Gloria Carter.

Well, I'll be.

Gloria Carter.

Well, I'm as
sorry as I can be...

Knock it off, Pyle.

Just double-time over
to that dry cleaners

and pick up my uniform.

Now, is that clear, or
should I write it down?

Go!

Right, Sergeant.

I can't imagine how a
mistake like that happened.

Imagine... Move! Move!
Move! Move! Move! Move!

Of all the nitwits.

You know, I used to have
plans of being a 30-year man.

But with a guy like Pyle
in my outfit, I don't know.

Any day now, any day.

Yeah, well, as my old
mess sergeant used to say,

"No matter how you stir the pot,

you only get out of it
what you put into it."

Huh?

What is that supposed to mean?

What's it supposed to mean?

Well, I was just
saying a guy like Pyle

needs special attention.

He's just not getting it.

Can you open, Boyle?

Hold on, Hacker.

What kind of attention
ain't he getting?

What kind? Understanding.

You know, a guy that
knows how to work with him.

And it's just possible,
Vince, that you don't know

how to handle him.

And can you open?

I don't know how to handle him?

What are you hinting at, Hacker?

That you'd know
how to handle him?

Well, I've had guys like
Pyle in my mess hall.

Some even worse.

I remember one birdbrain,

he couldn't even
handle a can opener.

But I worked with him, gave
him a little encouragement

and then within one week,

one week, he was
able to prepare a meal

for the whole company.

Well, what do you know, Boyle,

we got a miracle
worker sitting here.

A regular miracle worker.

Can we play?

What are you suggesting, Hacker,

that you can work a
miracle with Pyle, too?

No miracle, Vince.

Just the right approach.

You see, the
trouble with you is,

is you have no tact.

No what?

Tact, tact.

You see the difference
between us is,

is that I have feelings
for human beings.

And let's face it,
Vince, you don't.

As a matter of fact,

sometimes you
are downright crude.

Crude?

Who you calling crude?

I'm calling you crude.

Fellas, please, can we play?

You know what I ought to do?

I ought to turn him over to you.

That's right, you
got all that tact

and feeling for people... I ought
to give him to you as a present.

Why don't you?

I couldn't do any worse
with him than you have.

Okay, he's yours.

And while we're at it,

suppose we put
a little bet on it?

A bet?

Who said anything about a bet?

Well, you're the big genius
that took some goof-up

and had him turning out a meal.

There's no reason you
can't do the same thing

with Pyle, is there?

Pyle... cook a meal?

Hey, he's pretty
big with the talk,

ain't he, Boyle, huh?

But when it comes to
putting up the dough...

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

I did it with one knucklehead,
I can do it with another.

You mean, you're
going to take Pyle on?

Yeah, I'll take him on

just to prove
something to you, Vince.

Okay, how much? You tell me.

Well, since you're
loaded down with tact,

shall we say 50?

All right, let's say 50.

But remember, I'm not promising

Pyle will be the head
chef at the Waldorf.

He'll just be able to
prepare a meal by himself.

You heard him, you
heard him. 50 bucks.

By this time next
week, Pyle cooks a meal

all on his own, right, Hacker?

Right, right, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and just one
more little thing...

About that meal, Hacker,

we have to live after it.

(laughing)

Mess hall?

You mean you're
putting me on K.P.?

Oh, no, Pyle, this has
nothing to do with K.P.

You see, there's
this new regulation

that all Marines have
to be able to double up

in different jobs.

You know, in case of emergency.

So, knowing how you love to eat,

I thought you'd be
perfect for the kitchen.

Well, does this mean that I'm
going to be over there all the time?

You're not trying
to get rid of me

are you, Sergeant?

Oh, why, no, Pyle.

How could you
think such a thing?

This is just a
temporary assignment

for a week.

And what a great opportunity.

Really?

Oh, sure. Everybody
wanted the job,

but Sergeant Hacker
asked for you special.

He did?

Well, I sure hope
I'm worthy of the job.

Oh, you are, Pyle, you are.

You're going to be just great.

The fact is, I've got
every confidence

in the world in you.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

Knowing that you
feel that way about it,

I'm gonna go over there
to the mess hall tomorrow

and give it everything I've got.

Good. Good boy.

(laughing)

You will?

Well, remember, Pyle,
we're all only human

and sometimes even the
best of us make mistakes.

Don't you worry, Sergeant,
I won't let you down.

Yeah, well, whatever
you do, Pyle,

just be yourself and
everything will work out fine.

How do you mean that?

I mean, don't do anything
to change the way you are.

I mean, just be yourself.

All right, snap it
up in there now.

We're a little
behind this morning.

Pyle? Where's Pyle?

He was here a minute ago.

Pyle? Here I am, Sergeant.

I had to go change my hat.

The other one was kind of loose,

and I didn't want it
to fall into breakfast.

Yeah, fine, Pyle, fine.

But stay close. Stay real close.

Now, you're my
number one assistant,

and I'm counting on you.

Well, I sure appreciate
that, Sergeant.

And believe me, I'm
going to do my best.

I mean, you won't be sorry
for all the faith and trust

you have in me...
Yeah, yeah, sure, Pyle.

Now let's see, I want
to put you on something

nice and simple.

Uh... ah, aha, there it is.

Now since this is your
first day in the kitchen,

I'm going to put you on oatmeal.

You mean, I'm gonna
get to make the oatmeal?

My aunt had a
recipe for oatmeal...

No, no, Pyle, no.

The oatmeal's all ready to go.

You see, the ingredients
are all in there cooking away.

Now all you have
to do is stir it.

Now watch me.

Now you see,
that's all there is to it.

You just make circles.

Nice round circles.

Now why don't you try it, Pyle.

Okay.

Like this?

That's perfect, just perfect.

I've never seen
anybody take to stirring

just like that.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Just one question, though.

Is it okay if I
change directions

and go like this?

Sure, anything you want, Pyle.

Backwards, forwards, sideways.

Can I make numbers
and Xs like a figure eight?

Sure, Pyle.

Xs, numbers, doodles...
Anything you want.

But just keep stirring.

Now I'm going to go out and
check on the steam tables.

If you need
anything, just call me.

All right, Sergeant, you
go about your business

and just leave
the oatmeal to me.

Say...

That's a pretty heavy
load you got there.

Let me give you some help.

There you go.

Boy, this is way too big
a bundle for any one man.

Oatmeal!

Pyle, the oatmeal!

Pyle! Pyle!

You call me, Sergeant?

I was just helping... Shazam.

The oatmeal, it's boiling over.

Yeah, sure it's boiling over.

Why is it boiling over?

Because you stopped stirring.

You did stop stirring,
didn't you, Pyle?

Yes, Sergeant, I got not excuse.

I left my post.

Oh, I feel just terrible.

Yeah, well, get a
mop, just get a mop.

I will, Sergeant,
I'll get a mop.

Right away, right away.
You just wait right here.

Wow, what happened here?

What does it look like?

We'd better do
something fast, Sergeant.

The guys are lining up for chow.

What are we going to
do about the oatmeal?

Yeah, well, we just have to
give them what's left, that's all.

Get a rag and start cleaning up.

And the rest of you...
Move around there.

Okay, come on,
keep it moving there.

You mean that's it?

Come on, come on,
stop with the jokes.

Put something in there.

Come on, Carter, move it along.

You're holding up the line.

What do you mean?

Are you guys putting
out food for canaries?

You're feeding Marines.
Come on, let's go.

Look, Carter, you
got more than enough.

Your eyes are bigger
than your stomach.

Besides, we've been wasting
too much food in this mess hall

and I'm calling a halt to it.

Hold on, Hacker.

What are you talking about?

There's nothing in there.

Waste not, want not.

Now move it.

I don't know, there's something
phony going on around here.

Hey, Sergeant Hacker,
I finished all my mopping

and I cleaned up the whole mess.

Hey, Sergeant Carter.

Boy, when oatmeal boils over,

it really boils over.

Yeah, well, okay, Pyle, come
on, let's get... I should have known.

It boiled over?

We're out of oatmeal
because of you, huh, Pyle?

That's right, Sergeant.

It's all my fault.

I take full responsibility.

It's just like I was
telling Sergeant Hacker...

Yeah, okay, Pyle, come
on, back in the kitchen.

We got a lot of work to do.

Fill up those salt shakers,
huh? Right, Sergeant.

Sure hope you enjoy
the oatmeal, Sergeant.

Or what's left of it.

Oh, I will, I will.

I'll enjoy it like it was a
$50 dinner, huh, Hacker?

(laughing)

Okay, now, Pyle,
like I told you,

we're gonna forget all about
what happened at breakfast.

We're gonna start fresh.

We're gonna pretend
that you've never been

in this kitchen
before, all right?

Okay, Sergeant.

Okay, now you see
what we got to do, Pyle,

is start from the beginning.

We got to get you acquainted

with all the fundamentals here.

And by the time we're through,

you're going to be able to
cook a meal all by yourself.

Golly, Sergeant, me
cook a meal by myself?

Why, I appreciate your
faith in me, Sergeant,

but I don't think I
could ever do that.

Confidence, Pyle, confidence.

Now let's take a
reading on the stuff

we're going to
be using, all right?

Well, now, first of
all, this is a stove.

Oh, I already knew that. Hmm.

Well, it never hurts to be sure.

Now, repeat after
me, uh... skillet.

Skillet.

Fine.

Uh, Chopping block.

Chopping block.

Good.

Soup ladle.

Soup ladle.

Potato masher.

Potato masher.

Meat cleaver.

Meat cleaver.

All right.

I think that's about
enough for a starter.

Now let's review what
we learned, shall we?

Uh... Skillet.

Good.

Uh... Soup ladle.

Very good.

Uh... Oh, uh...
you just told me.

Now don't tell me, don't
tell me. Me... mea... meat,

meat... Oh, I
know, no, meat axe.

Meat axe. No,
it's not a meat axe.

It's a meat cleaver.

A cleaver.

Now pay attention, Pyle,

or you'll never learn to cook.

Now get this through your head.

(gasps)

What's going on here?

That cleaver, Hacker...
What are you trying to do?

Just because he
ruined the oatmeal?

(clicking tongue)

Oh, knock it off, Carter.

Sergeant Hacker here was
giving me a cooking lesson.

Yeah, yeah, well, that'll be all

for the first lesson, Pyle.

Why don't you go take a break.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

And I sure am
enjoying the course.

You just call me when you
get ready for another class.

Chopping block...
meat clature...

Come on, Charlie,
stop kidding around.

Why don't you
admit he's impossible,

and toss in the dishtowel.

I got till Friday,
that's all I'm saying.

You beginning to get
the problem, buddy boy?

You still think all Pyle
needs is the right approach?

Huh, huh?

I got till Friday,
that's all I'm saying.

Well, just remember, Hacker,

by Friday he fixes that meal,

or you're out the 50.

Just don't you worry about him.

I still say all he needs
is a little patience

and encouragement,

which is what I'm giving him,

and he'll be fine, just fine.

(no audio)

♪ ♪

(no audio)

(sniffing)

(no audio)

Well, well, well,

look who they got
serving up the noon chow.

Hey, Sergeant
Carter, Corporal Boyle.

Would you care for
some mashed potatoes?

Oh, sure, Pyle, load me up.

I'll take some, too, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant, guess what?

Huh? What's the matter, Pyle?

I made these mashed
potatoes myself.

You did?

No kidding.

Hey, Boyle, you hear that?
Pyle made the mashed potatoes...

Shh! Shh!

I don't want the
other cooks to hear.

They'll think I'm
pushing myself.

Oh, sure, Pyle, sure.

They look delicious.

You did a great job.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I can hardly wait
for you to taste them.

Yeah, well, uh, we
can hardly wait, either,

right, Boyle?

Let me know what you think.

If you want seconds,
there's plenty more.

Hey, Vince?

You think Pyle really made
these potatoes by himself?

I don't know, but
here's where we find out.

He made them.

Hacker! Oh, Mess
Sergeant Hacker?

What do you want,
Carter? I'm busy.

I understand that Pyle made
these potatoes all by himself.

That's right, Pyle made them.

So what? What's wrong with them?

Well, Boyle and me were just
wondering about the recipe.

Did he use cement
or wallpaper paste?

I had everything
laid out for him.

I even stood over him while
he mixed the ingredients.

How could he... wait a minute.

I remember.

I went back to the
reefer for some more milk.

But I couldn't have been
gone more than 45 seconds.

He couldn't have!

Oh, yes he could, Hacker.

Leaving Pyle alone for 45
seconds is inviting disaster.

But how?

It's impossible.

It can't be.

You know, Hacker, I
almost feel sorry for you.

If I was a real nice guy,

I'd let you off the hook
and call off the bet.

But I'm not a nice guy
and you got a big mouth,

so the bet's still on.

He cooks the meal on Friday,
which is tomorrow, is it not?

(groans)

Yes, sir, Boyle,
this is it, D-day.

Dinner Day.

50 big ones coming my way.

Five-oh.

You sound awful
confident, Sarge.

You're that positive Pyle's
going to blow the meal?

I'll tell you how positive I am.

I'm going to call that
fancy French joint in town,

Le Petit Château, and
make a dinner reservation

for Bunny and me.

We've got a lot of
celebrating to do.

(chuckles)

You sent for me, sir?

Yes, Sergeant.

We just received word
from the airstrip that

Colonel Driscoll arrived
from San Francisco,

and we'll be eating at
your mess this noon.

I just thought you
ought to know.

Yes, sir. Well, uh, I'll cook
up some T-bone steaks,

a couple of baked
potatoes... Oh, no, no.

Nothing special. What
are you serving the men?

Well, the menu calls for
salmon croquettes, sir,

but I'm sure that
you and the colonel

would like something
a little more elaborate.

I'm afraid you don't
understand, Sergeant.

Colonel Driscoll
makes it a policy

to always eat what
the men are eating,

so salmon
croquettes will be fine.

B-But, sir, the croquettes...

You see, I'm not
sure about that.

What I mean is, they may
not come out the way we...

Look, I know this is
short notice, Sergeant,

but whatever you
have will be fine.

That'll be all.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hey, Carter, it's all
over. The bet's off.

I've got to get over
to the mess hall. Huh?

Colonel Driscoll's on the post.

He's going to eat our mess hall.

Colonel Driscoll's going
to eat Pyle's cooking?

That's very funny.

Oh, yeah, how
funny is it going to be

when he tastes the cooking
and orders an investigation?

What do you mean?

Look, there's got to
be an investigation.

The guys, they
just beef a little.

But the colonel will
order an investigation.

Huh? Can't you see?

It's got to come out
that that miserable meal

is the result of a personal
bet between you and me.

You'll be in as
much trouble as me.

So what do you suggest?

Our only hope is
to get over there

and doctor up Pyle's meal
before the colonel shows.

Come on, let's go.

Yeah. Wait a minute.

What if Pyle's
cooking can't be fixed?

I don't know.
We'll do something.

We'll send out for Chinese.

Come on!

Out of the way! Out of the way!

It's an emergency!

Hold it, Vince. Look.

We're too late.

It's Colonel Driscoll
with Colonel Gray.

Yeah, and look who's
carrying their trays.

Oh, somebody trip him.

Somebody trip him, please.

Oh, he's serving the meal.

Vince, I can't watch anymore.

Pyle's handing out the napkins.

Driscoll, picking up his fork.

He's taking a bite.

I can't watch, either.

15 years. 15 years!

I've been a mess
sergeant for 15 years,

and now to see it
all go down the drain.

Easy, Charlie, easy.

You take it easy.

All those years serving up chow

in jungles, on beachheads,
during air raids,

in war and peace,
all those years.

And not once, not once

was I ever called
up for a bad meal.

And now, this is
the way it all ends.

And it's all your fault.

My fault? My fault?!

Who opened his big mouth first?

Who wanted Pyle to cook a meal?

Yeah, but if you hadn't
given me that static about...

Ah, knock it off!

What do you
mean, "Knock it off"?

Sergeant Hacker.
Sergeant Carter.

The colonel would like to
see you both right away.

Sergeant Hacker
reporting as ordered, sir.

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease.

I understand that
you two men have had

something to do with the
preparation of this meal.

Uh, yes, sir.

We both share in
the responsibility.

Good, 'cause I just want
to say that that is the best

pork rinds and collard
greens I have ever eaten.

Sir?

Not to mention those
black-eyed peas,

the grits and gravy,

and that cherry cobbler.

Boys, I haven't
tasted cooking like that

since I was a young'un
back home in Georgia.

A pleasant surprise, Sergeant.

I understood today's menu
called for salmon croquettes.

Well, I guess I'm
to blame for that, sir.

You see, sergeant,
when I started fixing them

salmon croquettes, I
couldn't make heads

nor tails out of that recipe,

and I knew I couldn't let the
fellas go away without eating.

So I just got to thinking,
and shazam, it come to me!

"Shazam"? See, I
remembered those

Sunday church suppers back home.

And how used to
watch my Aunt Martha

prepare all the fixings.

So I just put my memory
to work and this is it.

Well, however you did it, son,

it certainly was a
pleasant surprise.

And you deserve a lot of credit.

Well, thank you, Colonel,

but I can't claim
all the credit.

'Cause if it hadn't been
for Sergeant Hacker here

and Sergeant Carter, I
never could've done it.

Hold it, son. You lost me there.

What do you mean?

Well, to be honest with
you, Colonel, up to now,

I've been making a real
mess here in the mess hall.

But Sergeant Hacker was
just as patient as he could be.

Hardly ever raised
his voice to me.

All he was worried about
was me making the grade,

isn't that right,
Sergeant Hacker?

Yeah, Pyle, sure, that's right.

And, as for Sergeant
Carter here, when I told him

how bad things was going
over here in the mess hall,

he told me not to worry at all.

Said it was "okay" if
I ruined a few meals.

He said, "The only way to
learn is by making mistakes."

So you see, they
deserve most of the credit.

With faith and confidence
like that, how could I go wrong?

Well, apparently you two
sergeants have a real talent

for handling men,
and that's good.

Thank you, sir.

All we can do is
try, give it our best.

But, of course, with a bright
boy like Pyle here to work with,

you really have no problems.

Yes, sir, he's one
of my favorites.

Bright as they come.

Only wish I had more like him.

Well, Vince, all in all,

I'd say we've been
pretty lucky. Pretty lucky.

Yeah, Pyle really came
through for us, didn't he?

(both laugh)

He sure did.

And speaking of coming
through, how about paying off?

Paying off? What do you mean?

Well, the bet. The bet that, uh,

Pyle could manage
a meal all by himself.

Are you kidding?

You called it off.
Don't you remember?

Oh, I called it off
when I thought

that I'd have to throw his
meal out and cook one myself.

But I didn't have to.

Pyle's meal worked, so pay up.

So it worked, that's
no credit to you.

That's cooking he learned
from this Aunt Martha.

If I was gonna pay anybody,
I'd pay his Aunt Martha.

Come on, Vince, be fair.

Be fair? You be fair.

You cancel out, the
bet's off. Come on!

Well, all right.
Maybe you're right.

You're darn right I'm right.

There you got me on
a technicality. Yeah.

But you've got to
admit one thing,

what I started out to prove.

That if you show even a
knucklehead like Pyle a little

patience and understanding,
he'll come through for you.

I don't know.

What do you mean?

He did such a
good job with lunch,

I told him to go ahead
and make dinner.

You did?

He's making dinner?

Right now.

Tact, Vince, tact.

Just show him
a little confidence

and he'll come through.
Why don't you admit it?

I don't know.

Admit it. Admit it.

All he needs... (explosion)

What was that?

I don't know.

Thunder? Could be a sonic boom.

No, it sounded closer

like it came from down
around the mess hall.

The mess hall!

Pyle.

Sergeant Hacker, I got
bad news about your stove.

Admit what, Hacker?

What should I admit, huh?

What, what, what, what...
What should I admit, huh?

(laughs)

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