Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Borrowed Car - full transcript

Gomer takes Sergeant Carters car to deliver charity items for Miss Bunny. The Sergeant reports the car stolen and Gomer wrecks it.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Now remember,
Boyle, it's Saturday.

Them requisitions gotta be
over at Supply before noon.

Don't worry about
a thing, Sarge.

Just have yourself a nice
relaxed weekend of fishing.

Everything here will
be fine. (chuckles)

So long, Sergeant.

Hope you catch one that... big.

What are they, on vacation?



What's with the ball playing?

They're on liberty, Vince.

I guess they'd rather
fool around than take off.

Yeah.

Well, most important of all,

keep your eye on
my car every minute.

Make sure this idiot doesn't
scrape me when he pulls out.

PYLE: I got it. I got it.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I guess it got flung too hard.

If you guys dented my hood,
I'm gonna dent your skulls.

Don't worry, Sergeant, it's
just an old soft tennis ball.

Beat it. What is
this, a playground?!

Well, we are on
liberty, and we...



Get out of here before I
give you something to do.

Go on, blow!

Now, look... keep
the key in the desk.

If the sun gets too hot,

move the car over to the
other lot where it's shadier.

And don't forget to wipe
your feet before you get in.

Hey, Sergeant.
If you'd like me to,

I'll wash your car for
you while you're gone.

Are you still here?

Can I wash it? Can I?

It don't need washing.

Well, it's bound to get dusty.

And I could just take a rag

and whoosh over it... No.

But it'd be no trouble at all.

Besides, we're on
cleaning detail anyhow,

and the car... You're
on cleaning detail?

Why aren't you
cleaning the duty hut?

We did. Do it again.

Well, all right, Sergeant.

I hope you have a good time.

And I hope you catch
a fish that... Now!

(car horn honks)

Don't forget them requisitions.

Uh, you got to fill out
the morning report.

And the furlow
papers for Medwin.

And don't forget to
tell Sergeant Singer...

I got to get over to Supply.

You guys stay with it and
grab the phone if it rings.

Right, Corporal.

If you hadn't opened
your big mouth, Gomer,

we wouldn't be doing this again.

Oh, I don't mind, Duke.

You do a job the second time

and you see how far
from perfect it really is.

(telephone rings)

Duty Hut.

PFC Gomer Pyle speaking.

Hey, Miss Bunny.

How are you?

No, Sergeant Carter's not here.

He's gone off for a
wonderful weekend of fishing.

He's gone off fishing?!

But he can't.

He's got all the things I
collected for the charity bazaar

right in the trunk of his car.

He was supposed to
deliver them this morning.

Well, Miss Bunny,
the car is right here.

Well, what good is
that going to do me?

And after I knocked
myself out collecting stuff

from every house and
store in the neighborhood.

Well, he'll back Monday,

and I'm sure he'll
call you first thing.

Yeah? Well, I'm not so sure

I'll be here for his call,
Monday or the day after.

Now, wait a minute, Miss Bunny.

You say the things are
in the sergeant's car?

Well, he left the key here.

I heard him tell Corporal Boyle.

Yeah, here it is.

And they're supposed
to be delivered where?

To the corner at
Fourth and Main.

Oh, yeah, I know that building.

In the basement, you say.

Oh, if you can do this,

I can't tell you what
a lifesaver you'll be.

Now, don't you
worry, Miss Bunny,

all those things'll get
there right on time.

Absolutely.

You just leave it to me.

Gomer, what are you going to do?

I'm going to take
the sergeant's car

and deliver those things
to the rummage sale.

Gomer, no.

Well, it's for a
good cause, Duke.

And Sergeant Carter
did promise Miss Bunny

and she's his best girl.

And he wouldn't
want her mad at him.

I know in a case like this,
he'd want me to drive his car.

Drive it? Gomer, he
won't even let you wash it.

Oh, Duke.

No, Gomer, wait a minute.

You're not serious this time.

Oh, no, this is the craziest
thing you've ever done.

You can't be serious.

Think, Gomer, think.

This is the sergeant's car.

You're taking his car and
without his permission.

But, Duke, I'm doing it for him.

I'm not just taking this
car for my own pleasure.

Now, stop worrying.
Well, I am worried.

This is the way
it always starts.

Somebody gets into trouble,
you've got to help them.

Mr. Fix-It, you always got to
go around helping people...

Boy, she sure got a lot of
nice donations, didn't she?

Look all that, candlesticks
and silverware and teapots...

Gomer, listen to
me, please don't do it.

Please do not take the car.

You'll see, Duke.

When Sergeant Carter gets
back and hears about this,

he'll shake my hand.

Oh, yeah, he'll shake
your hand, all right.

He'll shake your
hand until it comes off.

Gomer, this is dynamite.

I'm all set now.

Won't take me but a
minute to change my uniform.

Gomer, you're making
a mistake taking the car.

What if something happens?

Nothing's gonna happen.

I'll be there and back
before you know it.

(telephone ringing)

Company B. PFC Slater.

Oh, hi, Corporal Boyle.

Ah, fine, fine,
everything's fine.

Oh, you'll be stuck over
at Supply a little longer?

Yeah, well, well,
there's no problem here.

It's been pretty quiet
the last hour or so.

Everything quiet, under control.

Oh, hi, Gome.

Huh? Oh, Pyle just walked in.

He, uh, went over to
pick up some polish.

Okay.

What happened?

Did you deliver the stuff?

Well, Duke... What's that?

It's the car key.

Where's the car?

I couldn't help it, Duke.

It was just a little accident.

Accident?

Acci... is that what you
said, Gomer, an accident?

Tell me about it.

Everything.

Well, I don't
remember everything.

I guess it'll all be
in the lawyer's letter.

Lawyer's letter?

That's what the police said.

Police?

Yeah, they were there
to keep the crowd back.

Crowd?

There's always a crowd.

Oh...

All right, All right,
now start all over.

Exactly what happened?

Well, I couldn't get
the brakes to work,

and I went through a red light.

You did?

It was on back of a truck.

There was hardly any damage.

To the truck.

The car's a mess.

Where'd it happen?

Well, at the corner of where
Canyon and Beacon meet.

Canyon and Beacon?

Canyon and Beacon don't
meet. There's a fence there.

Canyon's not a through street.

It is now.

But it really wasn't
my fault, Duke.

I was going down this hill,

and I went to put on the
brakes and there wasn't any.

And there was this truck there.

I just couldn't help it.

Did I tell you?

Did I tell you?

Can you imagine what's
gonna happen around here

Monday morning
when Carter gets back?

And you're not gonna be the
only one that's gonna catch it.

I'm gonna get it, too.

Why you, Duke?

Why? Because I didn't stop you.

I was right here
and I didn't stop you.

But you had nothing
to do with it, Duke.

It was all my idea.

Gomer, that won't be
good enough for the sarge.

He'll want to know why I
didn't take a rifle and stop you

or why I didn't throw myself
under the wheels of the car.

Oh, Monday's gonna
be a great day, all right.

I can just hear the sergeant.

He's gonna come out
and... Wait a minute.

Monday, the sarge is
not due back till Monday.

We still have a chance if we
can get the car fixed before then.

Where is it?

Well, the tow truck took
it to the garage. All right.

Get over there and tell them

to work day and
night if they have to,

but that car's gotta
be fixed right away.

Now, look, go tell
them at the garage

to fix it and get it back
here real early Monday.

With any luck, Carter
may never know a thing.

And give me that key.

Now come on, get going.

Boyle inside?

What's the matter with you?

Nothing, Sarge, nothing at all.

Corporal Boyle's over at Supply.

What are you doing back, Sarge?

I remembered
something I had to do.

But you're definitely
leaving, right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving.

What are you so
anxious for, Slater?

Anxious? Me?
Oh, I'm not anxious.

I just hate to see
you get a late start

on your weekend, that's all.

Well, forget about it.

Who moved my car?

What car?

The car parked in
the lot, chowder head.

"What car?" My car.

Isn't it there?

If it was there, would
I be asking you?

Where is it?

Well, no need to
get upset, Sarge.

It'll turn up. Whoever took it's

bound to bring it back.

What do you mean, "took it"?

Oh, maybe you mislaid it?

Mislaid? A car?

It happens.

The car was definitely
there... you saw it.

Well, maybe somebody
took it by mistake.

Yeah, that's it,
an honest mistake.

It's possible... you know
cars, they all look alike.

Just get over to the barracks

and see if anyone
there's seen it.

Go on.

Come on, move, move, move,
move, move, move, move!

Vince, what are you doing back?

You move my car?

No, I just put the
keys in the desk.

Why, anything wrong?

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I almost drove off and
forgot I got a whole trunk

full of stuff to deliver to
some charity bazaar for Bunny.

Boy, she'd really
hand me my head

if I'd have gone
off and forgotten it.

You say you left
the key in the desk?

Top drawer.

I put it there
right after you left.

Still here.

What's up?

My car's gone.

Your car's gone and
the key's still here?

You didn't move
it. The key's here.

Then why would my
car be... It's stolen.

Stolen? Sure.

Yeah.

If you were a crook
and came on the base,

which car would you take, huh?

Persky's? Denhoff's?

No, you'd steal
the best one: mine.

It all adds up.

The crook jumped the
wires and just took off.

And all that stuff of
Bunny's in the trunk.

What are you doing?

You'll see.

Give me the police.

Look, Vince, don't you think
you ought to wait a little...

For what?

Give the crook time to get away?

This way they may nab him
before he gets out of town.

Let the police get right on it.

Hello.

Police?

I want to report a stolen car.

(chuckling): Yeah.

Oh, you did it.

Yeah, you really did it.

(clangs loudly)

Boy, you did it.

How come you didn't get hurt?

Boy, you bang
up a car like this,

and you usually don't
walk away from it.

Well, I don't understand it.

I just don't understand
what happened to the brakes.

Are you sure you're okay?

Maybe you got a concussion.

You sound like you
got a concussion.

No, I'm all right, but
what about the car?

Oh, boy, you did it.

You really did it.

But it was just an
ordinary collision.

Maybe for you,
ordinary, but for us?

It ain't every day we have to

fish knives and forks
out of a transmission.

I was delivering
some silverware.

Oh, boy, you did it.

Look-a here.

There. It was
hanging by a thread.

You'll have to have a new one.

Oh, my.

Let's see, this'll take
about four, five days.

But I've gotta have it back
no later than Monday morning.

It's a matter of life
or death. Look, kid,

you have any idea how much
labor goes into a job like this?

Take a guess how many guys
are gonna be working on this car.

Well, I... No, go
ahead, take a guess.

But I don't...
And it's Saturday.

The parts places are all closed.

What am I gonna do?

Monday's my deadline.

You, too?

Here's a deadline,
there's a deadline.

Everybody's got a deadline.

Do you know how many cars
I got piled up with a deadline?

Take a guess how many cars
I got piled up with deadlines?

Well, I... No, go
ahead, take a guess.

I don't know.

And I wouldn't
ask you to do this

unless it was an emergency.

But I've just got to
have that car back.

It's very important.
Please, sir.

Well, seeing as you're
a serviceman and all,

and if I put a full crew on

and asked the others to
do it as a special favor...

Okay, kid, you'll have it.

Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.

It's gonna take a
little bit of doing, but...

Say, Charlie, Oh, hiya, Fred.

What's cooking?

Ah, got a report
on a stolen car.

We're checking all the garages

in case they try to
get a quick paint job.

Oh, you in the
middle of something?

Oh, no, that's all right.

Go ahead, that's more important.

A stolen car?

Yeah, belongs to a marine, too.

A marine?

Well, ain't that a shame.

Well, kid, we'll get to
work on this right away.

Here's my card.

You better take a few.

Okay, I'll get the rest of
the things out of the car.

Okay.

What kind of a car was it, Fred?

It's a two-tone '59

Dodge sedan, license JIE 137.

Well, hope you catch the crook.

I think I just did.

So it was all a mistake, huh?

Yes, sir, it was
just a little mix-up.

And if you'll let me call

Miss Bunny Olson,
she'll tell you.

Okay, okay, we'll
get to her, all right.

But first, you.

Let's start from the beginning.

You woke up this morning,

went to your wallet,
and it was empty.

I don't have a wallet.

It makes the pockets bulge.

It ruins the look of a uniform.

See how flat this is?

So is this back here.

You know where I keep my money?

Right there. Very good.

Still, it would be nice

to have that sock full
of money, wouldn't it?

Sure.

You look at the fellas
on the outside living it up

and of course, the pay in
the service isn't really enough.

Pay's fine, Sergeant.

$97.50 a month.

Fact is, I save
most of my salary.

Then how do you
explain the stolen car?

I told you I didn't steal it.

I was just using it.

He was just using it.

To help out Miss Bunny.

Why can't we call her?

But the owner of this car is
a Sergeant Vincent Carter.

I was helping him out, too.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What this world needs

is more people to
help others like this.

Let's see what
he's got in the bags.

Sergeant, if you'll
listen for just a minute...

I can explain the whole thing.

I never stole anything
in my whole life.

You can ask any of my buddies.

If it's one thing I respect,
it's other people's property.

Just using it?

No, sir. You see, all
this was gonna be sold.

You can ask Miss Bunny.

She's the one that
got all these things.

She did, huh? Uh-huh.

Would you believe that
Miss Bunny got something

from most every house
and shop in this town?

Is that so?

Yes, sir. She's a
real hard worker,

night and day.

All right. Where do
we find this Bunny?

Miss Bunny Olson,
341 Riverdale Avenue.

She can straighten this
whole thing out right away.

Okay. Pick her up.

She's got to be the
brains of this mob.

Mob? But, Sergeant,
you don't understand.

Sit down. But... Sit down.

Relax, Vince.

Relax? I'll relax when
I get my car back.

I don't understand you, Boyle.

I asked you to
watch my car, didn't I?

BOYLE: I couldn't watch
it every second, Vince.

I have work to do. Well?

Well? No trace of it, Sarge.

Did you check the front gate?

Well, no. I...

I can't trust you to
do anything, Slater.

Boyle, do me a favor, will you?

Sure thing, Vince.

Oh...

Sarge... Sarge, I
don't think it was stolen.

Why don't you
just forget about it

and go on your fishing trip?

I'm sure it'll be back no
later than Monday morning,

just like it was
when you left it.

You'll forgive me if I don't
share your confidence.

"Forget about it," he says.

It was right out there where
everybody could see it.

(phone rings)
Get that, will you?

Company B. PFC Slater.

That's right.

What? You found the car?

That's impossible!

They found it? Where?

Boy, those police
sure work fast.

You told the police, Sarge?

Naturally, I told the police.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

Is this the police?

And you say you
caught the guy who did it?

Beautiful! Beautiful!

Yeah. Sarge is
here. Tell him what?

What? What? Tell me what?

Suspect says he was
just borrowing the car.

Tell them it's a likely story.

He says it's a likely story.

Now they want to
know if you're sure

it was stolen.

What else? Of
course it was stolen.

Positively and definitely.

He says maybe.

Give me that!

Hello. This is Sergeant Carter.

Yeah? Good.

I'll be right down
to press charges.

I want whoever's responsible
for this behind bars! Right.

Sarge, can I go with you?

Sure. Come on.

Watch a creep get
the book thrown at him.

Sarge? Sarge? Huh?

Why don't you sit
down over there?

You're kind of upset.

I'll go check and
find out if there's...

I'll do my own checking!

I'm not upset.

I just want to get my hands
on the guy who took my car.

Where do we find out
where they're holding him?

Officer?

For the hundredth time,

we haven't done anything wrong.

This is ridiculous.

Lady, let me
see if I follow you.

These were in a car
that don't belong to you.

He took the car, and
it don't belong to him.

Now, this stuff came from
every house and store in town,

but nothing was stolen.

Now you've got it.

These are donations
for a charity bazaar,

and he borrowed the
car to deliver them.

(door opens)

PYLE: Duke!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Bunny! What are you doing here?

They're holding us.

They think we stole the car.

It's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard of.

Oh, boy. What a mess.

I gotta get you out
of here, and fast.

Sergeant, he can
explain it all to you.

How did you get in here?

And how can you explain it all?

You can let these
people go, Officer.

It's all a mix-up. The
car wasn't stolen at all.

Oh, the car wasn't stolen?

No. I just let him borrow it.

See? I told ya, Sergeant.

Then you're the
owner of the car?

Not exactly. I just
let him have the key.

You don't own the car,
but you had the key,

and you let him borrow it.

Right.

And the car wasn't stolen? No.

Then why did the owner...
Sergeant Carter... report it?

Carter? He reported it stolen?

Yeah.

I'll kill him!

Where do I find
Sergeant Welbeck?

Slater? What did
you...? Pyle? Bunny?

Don't you speak to me.

What did I do? What? What?

What's going on here?

Look, Sergeant, there
seems to be a little confusion

about this car of yours.

Now let's clear it up.

Was the car stolen or wasn't it?

Of course it was stolen.

And before we go any
further, I have a request.

I'd like two minutes
alone with the thief.

Where is he?

Right there.

Huh? Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle? He took it?

Yeah. Now, sign this
form pressing charges.

Pressing charges?

Oh, no. I don't
want him in jail.

I'm not going to let
him off that easy!

When I get my hands on...

Will you be quiet
and listen?! Huh?

He didn't steal anything.
He was doing you a favor.

Miss Bunny called and told me
how you was supposed to deliver

all these things
over to her place.

He was doing your job!

He was afraid I'd
be angry with you.

This whole thing would never
have happened if you would

have delivered those
things like you promised.

Well, you can't blame
me for being upset.

It's my car. He had no right
taking it without my permission.

Oh, you don't appreciate
anything that's done for you!

I don't appreciate?
What do you mean?!

(all yelling at once)

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Are you going to press
charges or aren't you?

Well, I guess not.

After all, there was
no harm really done.

No? have you seen your car yet?

No. Why? What happened...?
Gomer, why don't you grab a bag here?

We gotta hurry, Sarge.
You're gonna be late.

Where's my car?

Come on. Where's my car?

Come on, Bunny.

Come on, Sarge. Where's my car?

Everybody ready to go? Okay.

It was nice meeting you.

Where's my car? Taxi!

Where's my car? Taxi!

What are you calling a taxi for?

Where's my car?

Why am I calling a taxi?

Well, your car's over
at police lockup, Sarge,

and with all that red tape,

it'll take hours before
you can get it out,

and I don't want you to
be late meeting Kowalski.

BUNNY: And you know what else?

You owe us all an
apology, especially Gomer.

CARTER: An apology?

Yeah. For getting us into
this mess by calling the police.

My car was missing!
What would you do?

Okay, so I know my car is
all right, and everything's fine.

Some apology.

Well, all's well that ends
well, right, Sergeant?

Oh, Pyle.

Hey, there.

Hey, Duke, it's the mechanic.

What mechanic?

Pyle, I was in the station

to find out if it's okay

to go ahead and fix the car.

Fix the car?

What car you fixing?

Let's go, Sarge.
We're going to be late.

Wait a minute! What car?

It's no use, Duke.

We should have told the
sergeant the truth in the first place.

There was a little
accident, Sergeant.

That's the reason
that your car's not here.

An accident?

My car?

We wanted to get it fixed up
good as new before you got back.

How much is the damage?

Guess.

Take a little guess how much.

Look, I... No, go ahead, guess.

(grunts)

A new fender,
headlights, bumper,

radiator, windshield.

I couldn't help it, Sergeant,
the brakes gave out.

There was a leak in
the hydraulic system.

The fitting fell off and
they went just like that.

You know, it's a good
thing he was going slow.

If somebody was
speeding in that car,

could have been bad,
could have got killed,

so considering everything, I
think you got off pretty easy.

It'll all come to about $350.

You got insurance?

Yeah, I got insurance.

How about you, Pyle?

You got insurance?

Well, I don't have a car.

I mean life insurance, because
when I get through with you,

you're going to be in
worse shape than the car.

I'm going to take
you... BUNNY: Vince!

Didn't you hear
what the man said?

If you'd have been driving,
you could have gotten killed!

Did you hear how
much it's going to cost?

Did you hear what else he said?

Killed, Vince, killed!

350 bucks!

Killed!

Gomer saved your life.

On top of trying
to do you a favor,

he saved your life.

Well, what are we
standing around for?

I got a 3:00 date with Kowalski.

Come on, let's get going.

Huh?

Guess how long
it's going to take

to fix your car, Sergeant.

Go ahead, take a guess.

Go on, take a guess.

Hiya, Boyle.

Hey, hi, Vince.

Hey, how'd the weekend go?

Great, great.

My car been delivered yet?

Pyle went to pick
it up an hour ago.

Pyle?

I thought the mechanic
was going to bring it back.

Well, he phoned; he was
short-handed this morning

so Pyle went to pick it up.

He should be back any minute.

Oh.

So you had a good time
in spite of everything, huh?

Yeah, the two of
us went way out...

(crashing)

(laughing)

Trash cans fell off the truck.

It's Pyle, he's back.

(chuckling)

Well, there she is,
Sergeant, good as new.

Yeah, good as new.

I'm sorry it took me so long,

but I drove real slow
and real careful-like.

I hope you wasn't worried.

Well, I'll tell you the
truth, Pyle, I was a little.

I always get a little nervous

when somebody
else is driving my car.

Uh... come on, get out,
Pyle, and let me park it.

Oh, I can park it.

No, Pyle, you better let me.

Nobody can handle
this baby like I can.

Yes, sir.

(car starts)

(chuckles)

Let's leave him alone.