Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 22 - To Re-enlist or Not to Re-enlist - full transcript

Sergeant Carter helps Gomer prepare for transition into civilian life by setting Gomer up with a job, a place to live and even a girlfriend, in hope that Gomer won't re-enlist.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, look at this!

And you thought the
day would never get here.

What's that?

Well, this memo
from Headquarters.

It's a list of all the
guys in the platoon

whose three-year
hitch is up next week.

Huh? Yep.

There it is in black and white.

Read me some of the names.

And start with the "P's."


That's it! Again!


Beautiful. Beautiful.

What does it say about him?

Nice and slow, Boyle.

Nice and slow.

Well, like I said before,

a week from Saturday,
his hitch is up.

Who's that? Pyle.


To think I'd live
to see the day.

All those times I tried
to get him off my back.

And now it's here!

What I couldn't accomplish

in solid three years is here.

Father Time came along

and did the job for me.

You see, Boyle?

If you're just patient,
it all works out.

Listen, Sarge, I hate
to be a party-pooper,

but aren't you forgetting
one thing? What's that?

Well, it's just
entirely possible

Pyle might reenlist.

Bite your tongue! Why not?

Why wouldn't he sign up again?

No, don't say that, Boyle!

Come on, Sarge,

it's the most natural
thing in the world.

You know how Pyle
feels about the Marines.

He's sure to reenlist.

No, he can't! I won't let him!

Well, how can you keep
a man from reenlisting?

What're you gonna do, Sarge?

Break his arm so
he can't sign up?

Hey! Come on, Sarge.

You might as well get set

for another three
years with Pyle.

Boyle, cut it out!

What are you,
some kind of sadist?

No, but what're you
gonna do about it?

How are you gonna keep him out?

I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

I'll keep him out.

Oh, I'll keep him out.

Yeah, the three years
went by pretty fast

after all, didn't it?

Yeah, it sure did.

It's been an interesting
enlistment period, hasn't it?

It has been for me.
I'm gonna do it again.

You, Duke?

You've already decided?

I've been thinking

along the same lines myself.

How about you, Gomer?

You're gonna re-up for
sure, aren't you? Me?

Well, doing a little
woolgathering, boys?

Oh, uh, no, Sarge,

we were, uh, just
on our way out.

Let's go, you guys.

Oh, uh, Pyle... Yes, Sergeant?

Uh, listen, Pyle,

I'd like you to come
into town with me

this afternoon. Into town?

What are we gonna do in town?

Well, it's a little detail,

and I need you there, okay?

Meet me after chow.

What kind of detail
is it, Sergeant?

What are we gonna do?

I have to pick
something up, all right?

Well, what are you
picking up, Sergeant?

Can you give me a hint?

Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Pyle, just meet me, will ya?

Where are we going, Sergeant?

Where are we going?
You'll see, Pyle.

In here, come on.

Hey, fellas. Hello, Al.

Uh, this is the guy I told you

I was bringing in. Oh, yeah.

I got the stuff all laid out.

Right this way, son.

Sergeant, I'd still like to know

what this is all about.

You'll see, you'll see.


Try on this jacket.

Go ahead.

Do you like it?

Well, yeah, Sergeant.

But I sure wish I knew

what this was all about.

Here, this goes with the outfit.


I'm telling ya, Pyle,

you look like you
stepped right out

of one of them men's magazines.

Sergeant, but
now can you tell me

what this is all
about, please? Right.

Now, I'll tell ya.

This is a little
going away present.

Huh? Look, Pyle,

your hitch is up
next week, right?

That's right, Sergeant.

Which means you can't
wear your uniform anymore,

and your old civvies
certainly don't fit

after three years in service.

You mean the
Marines are buying me

all these new clothes?

Not the Marines... me, Pyle, me.

It's on me!

I'm the one's who's
springing for it.

You, Sergeant?

Right, Pyle.

This whole outfit is a gift

from me to you, okay?

Well, Sergeant Carter,

I never heard of such a thing!

Well, yeah, I know, Pyle.

But when you figure

all the time we put in together,

how close we
worked day after day

for three solid years,

and now it's coming to an end,

well, you don't
just let that go by

without doing
something about it.

I felt I had to do something

extra special for you.

Like making sure

that, when you go out
into that civilian world,

you go in style.

Like so!

I don't know what
to say, Sergeant.

Look, Pyle,

never look a gift
clothes-horse in the mouth.

Just accept it in
good health, okay?

Sergeant Carter, I
think I'm gonna cry.

Okay, so you bought
him a new suit.

What guarantee is that?

Pyle could still reenlist

and wear it on weekends.

That is correct.

But I haven't
stopped with a suit.

Yeah? Look,

why would Pyle even
consider reenlisting, huh?

Because he never had
it so good as a civilian

as he's got it in the Marines.

So what do I have to do?

I have to make it possible

for him to have it
real good as a civilian.

You mean set him
up in civilian life?


It's sort of one a
one-man Poverty Program.

Where we going, Sergeant?

Where we going this
time? You'll see, Pyle.

You'll see. Hey, Gus!

Be with you in a
second, Sergeant!

Who is he, Sergeant?

What are we doing here?

Don't ya get it, Pyle?

A job.

I'm trying to line
you up with a job!

A job?

For me?

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Only this time the
surprise is on the other foot.

You did that, Sergeant?

You lined up a job just for me?

Why not?

Well, golly, I just don't...

Don't thank me, Pyle.

Just tell Mr. Finch
here your qualifications.


this is the Private Pyle
I was telling you about.

Or should I say the
soon-to-be Mr. Pyle?

I'll tell you one thing

it's murder trying to find
a good man these days.

And this is a good
man, believe me, Gus.

As his sergeant, I
can tell Pyle is loyal,

conscientious, trustworthy.

What more do you want?

Well, I can't very
well turn a man down

after recommendations
like that, can I?

Okay, son,

starting next Saturday
you got yourself a job.

You hear that,
Pyle, you hear that?

How lucky can a dischargee get?

Sergeant Carter, I
think I'm gonna cry.

I know just what
you're gonna ask me.

You wanna know if a new suit

and a steady job is
enough, right, Boyle?

You wanna know
if steps one and two

is all it takes

to make sure Pyle
don't reenlist, am I right?

You mean, you got
something else in mind?


Step number three.

Where we going,
Sergeant, where we going?

You'll see, you'll see
soon enough, Pyle.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Nelson?

Yes? Uh, this is the young man

I was telling you about.

Can you show him
the room? Why sure.

It's right down here.

Room? What room?

Got it nice and cleaned up.

Had the exterminator
in this morning.

Sergeant? Shh!

Go ahead, Pyle, take a look.

Just take a look!

Uh, now you did say he
had full kitchen privileges,

is that right? That's right.

The kitchen is downstairs,

the first door
past the staircase.

And paint?

You're gonna paint
the room a nice light tan

before Saturday, right?

A nice beige.



And drapes.

You're gonna put some
of them up, aren't you?

Oh, yes.

Also beige.

Do you like beige?

Well, I... I like beige.

It don't show the dirt.

And look over here, Pyle.

You like going to
the movies better

than anything else, don't you?

Well, look at this.

You're practically on
top of the Orpheum.

If it rains, you don't
even have to get wet.

Well, if you gentlemen
have made up your mind,

that'll be one week's
rent in advance.

Uh, forget it, Pyle, it's on me.

Here you are.

One ten-spot in advance!

Thank you.

But, Sergeant, that ain't right.

That ain't right at all.

A suit and then a job and,

and now a place to live?

I told you forget it, Pyle.

It's just still another
way of saying thanks.


You can pick up your
key anytime Saturday.

Oh, oh, yes, and please
don't smoke in bed.

Do you smoke in bed?

Uh, no, Mrs. Nelson.

He doesn't smoke at all.

Yes, well...

Well, in case you
take up smoking,

please don't do it in bed.

He won't. He won't.

Did you ever smell
a burning mattress?


If you ever smelled
a burning mattress,

you'd never smoke in bed.


Yeah, uh, well, uh,
good night, Mrs. Nelson.

Good night.



I think I'm gonna cry!

I know, Pyle.

Me, too.

Sheer, total happiness does that

to people like us.

All these things that
you been doing for me,

I don't know how I'll
ever thank you, Sergeant.

Vince! Vince!

Now that you're
gonna be a civilian,

you can call me, Vince.


Oh, now I know I'm gonna cry.

A suit, a job, a place to live.

You mean, there's
still something else

you're getting for
Pyle? That is correct.

Well, what else?

Well, what else is there?

You see, Boyle, you see?

If I'd have left it up to you,

you never woulda known
there was something else.

Well, what? A car?

Nope. A season box

to all the baseball games.

Uh-uh. Well, what else?

What do you get for the
man who has everything?

The coup de grâce.

The clincher.

The whipped cream and the nuts

on the top of the sundae! What?!

Companionship, Boyle.

Good ol' female companionship.

What do you mean

which one of my girlfriends
wants to get married?

They all wanna get
married, including me!

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But I was just asking
about your friends.


Well, I just happen
to know a nice,

eligible bachelor, that's all.

I mean, I'm not too crazy
about him as a soldier,

but as a human being,
that's something else.

Vince, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking about Gomer Pyle,

that's what I'm talking about.

Gomer? Right.

He's getting discharged.

He's getting out next Saturday.

Yeah, so?

So, you like Gomer, don't you?

Well, sure.

I think he's an
awfully nice boy, but...

Oh, is that why you... Exactly.

I wanna fix him up
with the right girl.


Hey, how come
you're so interested

in Gomer's future
all of the sudden?

I mean, considering

what you usually
have to say about him!

Well, I'll tell you how come.

As long as he was in service,

his Marine life came first,

and it was my duty to
see he cut the mustard.

I watched over this
kid for three years,

I made a man out of him.

Well, I can't suddenly let go.

He's gonna be settling down now

and I wanna make sure

he doesn't make any mistakes.

Ooh, ooh!

I know who'd be
just right for Gomer.



You mean that girl with
a Dick Tracy nose job?


Oh, come on, Bunny.

Pyle's ain't no Rock
Hudson, but give him a break!

How about Mildred?

You remember Mildred?


That's the one that's still
wearing braces on her teeth!

She is not!

She just happens to
have a very bad overbite.

Bunny, come on, please!

Somebody cute,
attractive, like you.

You got her, right?

Where we going, Sergeant?

Where we going now?

Where does it look
like we're going, Pyle?

We're going to Bunny's place

to do a little socializing.


Well, it's okay

now that you're
practically a civilian.

Who knows... we might
even do some double dating.

You know, keep in touch

and all that sort of thing.

(doorbell rings) Sergeant
Carter, I just can't believe

that one man could be so kind

and thoughtful to another man.

Yeah, I know,
Pyle, but let's face it.

We've served
together so long that...

well, I almost feel
like I'm your father.

My father?

That's right.

And even though
it's the end of the line,

as far as you and the
Marines are concerned,

I feel I ought to do
the fatherly thing and,

and see that you get off

to a good start
in your new life.

Hi, Gomer!

All hail and farewell, huh?

Hey, Miss Bunny.

Come on in!

Well, Gomer,

I'd like you to meet a friend of
mine, Miss Betty Lou Hanson.

Hey, ma'am.

It's a pleasure.

Thank you, Gomer.

Same here.

Uh, well,

why don't we all sit down
now that everybody's here.

(chuckling): Yeah.


(all laugh)




Say, Bunn.

Yeah, Vince?

What'd ya say you and Betty Lou

go whip us up some
liquid refreshments?

You know, something
nice and tall.

Oh, good idea, Vince.

Uh, come on, Betty Lou.

Well, see you in a jiff.

Well, what'd ya think?


Pyle, where are your eyeballs?

That's no ordinary
girl in there!

She's a living doll!

Not to mention, A:
She's got her own car.

B: She's got a good job
at Kulky's Hardware Store.

C: Her father's
a factory foreman

with 14 years seniority.

But, Sergeant...

Yeah, I'm telling
you, Pyle, some day

that girl is gonna make
somebody a wonderful wife.

But, Sergeant,
I... A great girl.

A great girl.

It's a wonder
she's still available,

but I guess she can afford

to play it cozy, right, Pyle?

I mean, a girl

with her assets and attributes,

can afford to pick
and choose, right?

Yeah, Sergeant, but...

And you know
something else, Pyle?


I think she likes you.

She does?

But look, who am I
to try to crystal-gaze

the future course of nature?

Here we are. Refreshment time.

Hey, that's great!

Tall and cool, just
the way we like 'em,

right, Pyle?

There, Gomer.

Do you like lemonade?

Yes, ma'am, I really do.

You hear that?

It's like they've
known each other

practically all their lives!


Hi, Sarge, what's the good word?

The good word?


Better yet, spectacular! Oh.

Things went pretty
good last night, huh?

You should've seen the way

those two were
looking at each other.

They had Cupid written
all over their faces.

No kidding? Yeah.

You know something, Boyle?

I know how I felt
about Pyle to start with,

but now, well... it
kinda gives me a kick

to know that I'm giving
him a helping hand.


No, no, I mean it.

There's no law that says
I can't be happy for him

even though he's
as good as gone.

But he's got to be gone, right?

Oh, yeah!

I would say.

Well, he may not be as
good as gone like you say.

Oh, come on, Boyle.

I told ya, it's all
over but the packing.

Or the unpacking...

Whichever the case may be.

What's that? Oh...

just a little fly in the
ointment from Headquarters.

Boyle, what are
you talking about?

Well, here, look for yourself.

The Colonel wants
all platoon leaders

to talk to each and every man

whose enlistment's up

and encourage him to reenlist.

Is that all?

Boyle, don't you have
anything better to do

than to come around
here scaring me like that?

But, Sarge, he says
he wants you to talk

to each and every man
and that includes Pyle.

Right, right.

Don't you think I know that?

It's S.O.P. to give
them a nice lecture

on why they should
stay in the Corps.

I know all about it.

So what about Pyle?

So nothing about Pyle.

You mean you're
gonna talk to him?

You're gonna give
him the lecture?

Yeah, it's my duty, ain't it?

(overlapping chatter)

All right, men, listen up!

Now, men, it is my duty,

not as your ranking NCO,

but as a man with the highest
regard for the Marine Corps,

to address you platoon members

who will soon be completing
your first tour of duty.

Now, some of you men
have no plans whatsoever.

By that I mean, you
have nothing to do,

no place to go,

no civilian skills to
take advantage of.

And so, to you men, I
say stay in the Marines

and serve not only your
country, but your own dignity

as a useful human being
in the scheme of things.

On the other hand,

some of you men have
a good job lined up,

a nice place to
live, a lovely girl,

all waiting for you
to take rightful place

in a civilian society.

To you men, I say, good luck!

Sarge, you in a good mood?

Are you kidding?

Do you know what day this is?

That's why I asked.

I'm afraid Pyle
double-crossed you

after all. Huh?!

Of course, in a very
nice sort of away.

Boyle, what are
you talking about?

Well, don't look now,

but according to this hot
flash from Headquarters,

you just won yourself
ten-days leave

for having the only platoon
with 100% reenlistment.


Congratulations, Sarge!

Like they say, you give a
little, you get a little, huh?

Oh, come on!

There has to be
some kind of mistake.

Pyle couldn't have reenlisted.

Well, figure it out.

A job, a girl, a
nice place to live...

He's too well set!

No, he couldn't have,
he just couldn't have.

Something must have gone wrong.

Huh, huh!

Look at this, Mr. Voice of Doom!

What'd ya see, huh?

I told ya there had to
be some kind of mistake.

I felt it down in the
marrow of my bones!

Sergeant Carter, could I
speak to you for a minute?

Sure, Pyle, sure.

You came to say a
few last words, right?

You might say that, Sergeant.

Well, Pyle, let
me say mine first.

It's been a real pleasure.

So long and good luck.

That's all, Sergeant?

That's all?

Well, what more is there, Pyle?

This ain't the French Army,

I can't kiss you on both cheeks.

I just thought maybe you was
hiding something deep-down

that you want to say.

Well, okay, Pyle.

I don't go in for that
sentimental mush,

but since this is a
special occasion I'll say it,

Pyle, I hate like the
dickens to see you go.


Yeah, this is a very
sad moment for me.

I wish you were gonna stay.

I'm gonna miss you, Pyle.

You are?


So why don't you go now?

I kinda hate good-byes.

Okay, Sergeant.

Now can I say something?

What, Pyle?

Surprise, surprise, surprise!


Pyle, what is this?

Some kind of gag?!

No, Sergeant, this is no gag.

This is no gag at all.

Pyle, what are
you talking about?

Oops, sorry.

Pyle, what is this?

What are you doing?!

You're discharged aren't you?

You didn't reenlist, did you?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Sergeant,

I wasn't planning
on reenlisting at all.

Huh? That's right.

I was all set to go back home.

I had my old job back

at Wally's filling
station and everything.

And then... Then
what? What, what, what?

And then you started doing

all those wonderful
things for me.

Then I said to myself,
"Now how in the world

could I ever leave
a man like that?"

Huh? And when you said

you felt just like
my father, that did it!

I had to reenlist

'cause I sure couldn't
leave my adopted daddy!

Yeah, um... And
then when I heard

that everybody had
reenlisted except me,

had to change all my
plans and make it 100%

so you could get
that ten-days leave

that all the Sergeants
were talking about!


So, surprise,
surprise, surprise!

Oh, Vince.

Are you just gonna sit
around all evening and mope?

Three years.

Three more years I'm
gonna have to spend

with that knucklehead.

And to think he was
almost out and I ruined it.

He reenlisted because of me!

Stop that, Vince!

Three years, three
more years, Bunny,

I gotta listen to...

(mimicking Gomer):
Hey, Sergeant!



Surprise, surprise, surprise!


What's so funny?

You're funny!

You're such a silly Sergeant.


Well, is that
really all you have

to look forward to
the next three years?

Gomer Pyle?

Well, what about me?

What about all the times

that you and I are gonna have

during the next
three the years, huh?

What about that?

Well, I never
thought about that.

Well, you just think about it.

And here's something else
you can think about, too.

Hey, yeah!

What's the matter with me?

(both laugh)

(doorbell rings)

What's that?

Oh, I don't know.

I'll go see.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!


Hey, Miss Bunny. Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle, what are you
doing here, huh?

What are you doing here?

I'll tell you, Sergeant.

I was on my way to the movies

then I happen to
remember what you said

the last time we was up
here doing some socializing.

Remember when you thought
I was gonna be a civilian?

Huh? You said we
ought to keep in touch.

So that's what I thought

I'd start doing right away...

keep in touch.

I think I'm gonna cry.