Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 21 - Gomer and the Card Shark - full transcript

Gomer finds himself caught in the middle between his buddies and a card shark. Gomer is used as a patsy so show that you can win and he wins big.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Let's see, now.

I'll have a bowl of chili

and a banana split with
lots of whipped cream.

Right. And don't forget to
put chopped onions on the top.

Of the chili, that is,
not the banana split.

No kidding? Anything else?

Yeah, would you bring the chili

and the banana split
at the same time?

I eat them together.

Oh, I'll bring them, but
I'm not going to watch.

Oh, hey, Duke. Hey, Gomer.

Boy, you sure missed a
good movie tonight. Yeah?

Yeah, it was
about this lady spy,

and she done away
with seven different fellas.

She poisoned them and
stabbed them and shot them.

What movie is that?

Love in Madrid.

Well, I wish I'd gone
with you, Gomer.

I really, really do.

Why, what'd you do?

Oh, some sailor was running
a poker game in his hotel room

down the street
and I got cleaned out.

I even lost my watch.

You didn't.

This guy had
unbelievable good luck.

He cleaned everybody out.

I lost $75.

Why, Duke, that's terrible.

Plus my watch, that's
another nine dollars.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

Don't you know that no good
ever comes from gambling?

Gomer, please, I feel bad
enough losing the money

without getting a
lecture on top of it.

Here's you order.

Anything for you?

Yeah, I'll have a glass
of water and a toothpick.

That's all I can afford.

Well, I'd be glad to lend
you something, Duke.

No thanks, Gomer.
I've got no appetite.

Banana split and chili.

I mean, I really
got no appetite.

Gomer, that's him,
that's Evans the sailor.

That's the guy that
won all the money.

That's his wife with him.

Excuse me, will you, honey?

I see a client of
mine over there.

Well, hurry it up. I'm hungry.

Hi, boys. Hi.

Say, you ran into some
tough luck tonight, huh?

I'm very sorry about that.

Yeah, well, live and learn.

You couldn't seem to
catch a hand all night.

Well, that's too bad.

Well, maybe you'll get
even tomorrow, huh?

There'll be another game,
same time, same place.

No, there's no
tomorrow for me, I'm flat.

Well, payday's in a
couple of days, isn't it?

Maybe we'll see you then.

Well, don't count on it.

Here, boys, let me
take your check.

Oh, wait a minute, that's mine.

Forget it, it's on me.

Why'd he do that, Duke?

Why'd he take my check?

Don't worry, he can afford it.

That just shows you
how lousy my luck is.

He picked up the check, I
didn't even order anything.

Gomer, you got 15
cents I can borrow?

I'm going back to base.

Ill-gotten gains.

I hope he's happy
with his ill-gotten gains.

So then I pull this hand, a
house full, aces over tens.

So I think I got it made.

Well, all of a sudden, in...

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Am I breaking up something?

I can come back later.

Oh, no, Sergeant Carter.

Duke here was
just telling us about

a terrible experience
he had last night.

Gomer... Really?

He's about to have
another terrible experience.

And that goes for the
rest of you knuckleheads

if you don't can the chatter.

But nothing could be as terrible

as the experience
he had, Sergeant.

That's enough, Gomer.


Well, now you got me interested.

Just what was the
terrible experience?

Well... Go on, Duke.

Tell the sergeant
what happened to you.

Well, it was just...

He lost $75 in a
card game, is what.


And tell him what
else you lost, Duke.

He lost his wristwatch.

And guess who he
lost it to? Tell him.

A sailor.

A sailor?

You let a sailor clean you out?

Oh, boy, that's the end.

When are you
knuckleheads going to learn

that you don't play poker
if you don't know how?

What is this, a regular game?

Are they going to
play again tonight?

Well, yeah, Sarge, but
you better take it easy.

This guy, Evans, is pretty
lucky and he seems to enjoy

taking it out on Marines; he
cleaned out a couple of guys

in Sergeant Persky's platoon.

Oh, really?

Sergeant Carter,
you're not planning

on going up there and
gamble, too, are you?

Well, it wouldn't really
be gambling, Pyle.

It'd be more like a mission.

A mission with two objectives:

one, to get some of
that Marine money back

and two, to teach
that sailor a lesson.

Well, if you have to do it

just remember one
thing, though, Sergeant:

"True luck consists
not in holding

"the best of cards at the table.

Luckiest is he who knows
when he rise and go home."

I'll remember that, Pyle.

Will you, Sergeant? It's easy.

"True luck consists
not... Knock it off!

I, uh, heard there's a
poker game going on.

Room for one more?

Yeah, I think
there's a seat open.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Sorry, Sarge, but
that's the way it goes.

Better luck next time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gee, I sure hope the Sarge
has better luck than I did.

He may not, Duke.
You know what they say:

"Lucky in love,
unlucky in cards."

And you know Sergeant
Carter's a lucky lover.

Hi, Sarge, how'd you do?

Did you remember, Sergeant?

Did you remember when
to rise and go home?

I lost $80 and
both of you shut up.

Then you didn't
remember, Sergeant.

It was, "True luck
consists not in..."

Knock it off, Pyle!

I was right, Sarge.

That Evans is a
slick poker player.

He is, isn't he?

He's more than slick.

He's a lot more than slick.

What do you mean?

Well, I can't prove it,

but the cards don't fall
that way all by themselves.

This guy was breaking
the law of averages,

if you know what I mean?

Yeah, I think that's it.

I mean, if both of
us got cleaned out,

there must be something
phony about this guy.

If I was you, Sergeant Carter,

I'd have spoke right up and
told him what was on my mind.

I would have said, "Listen,

I don't think you're
playing honest."

You can't do that, Pyle.

You got to have
more than suspicion,

you've got to have
proof and I don't have it.

But I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

I'm going to spread the word

around the base.

This guy won't have any
of our guys playing with him.

Well, I should think not.

Sarge, guess who just walked in.

Yeah. The game
probably just broke up.

Come on, let's get out of here.

But, Sergeant, it's
still early and I don't

think I'll go back
to the base yet.

I may stay here and have
another soda or something.

Is that all right with
you? That's all right.

Oh, and sergeant? Yeah?

Here's a quarter.

Fifteen cents for the bus fare

and an extra dime in if you
want a candy bar or something.

Here, take it.

You don't have to worry
about paying me till payday.

You're a sport.

Come on, Slater. See you, Gomer.

Hey there.

Hey, what do you say?

Is it okay if I sit down?

I'd like to talk
to you a minute.

Well, I'm kind of
busy right now.

I was going to have
something to eat.

Is it important?

Well, I think so.

It's about your reputation

and I think that's
very important.

What are you talking about, man?

Well, I'm going to tell you
this straight to your face

'cause I think that's
the best way to do

in a case like this.

Back home we never say
anything behind somebody's back

that we wouldn't
say in front to him.

What are you talking about, man?

Well, you've been playing cards

with my sergeant and
my buddy over there,

and they've got an idea
you haven't been playing fair.

What? That's right.

And they're going
to spread the word

all over the base so nobody
will play with you again.

Are you kidding?

They're saying that?

That's what they said.

But it's luck, it's
just pure luck.

Listen, you've got
couple of minutes?

Why don't you come
up to the hotel with me?

I want to prove
something to you right now.

Well, I better get
back to the base.

Now wait a minute. You just
made a very serious charge.

You've got to give me a chance
to straighten this thing out.

This is important to me.

What's your name, buddy?

Gomer. Gomer Pyle.

Well, come on, Pyle.

You come up to
the hotel with me.

You've got to give me a
chance to set this thing straight.

You'll see.

Come on in, Pyle.

Oh, honey, this
is a friend of mine.

This is Gomer Pyle.

Gomer, this is my
wife, this is Shelia.

Hey, ma'am. Hello.

Honey, would you excuse
us please for a few minutes?

Gomer and I have a little
private matter to discuss.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, our
home is in Montana,

but when the
fleet's in, you see,

Shelia come down, we rent
this little place in town here.

Oh, I see, that's nice.

Sit down, Gomer.

Now, listen, you know
what you said downstairs,

that's a terrible thing
to spread around.

Frankly, I like to play cards.

Playing cards is
a hobby of mine.

And if you spread a rumor
like that around, Gomer,

well, pretty soon, I won't
have any hobby anymore.

Well, I sure wouldn't
want to do that.

But how come you
win all the time?

Tell me that.

I'm a lucky guy,
that's how come.

Some guys are lucky,
some guys aren't.

Now, you play cards, don't you?

Oh, yeah. I play Fish sometimes.

But if there's more than four
of us we play Spit in the Ocean.

Yeah, well... Look,
do you play Blackjack?

Oh, no.

Well, I'll show you.

The object of the
game is to get 21

or close to it, but not over.

Now, let's try this.

Now let's see.

Now you got 20.
Now that's very good.

Now, I have...

I have 12. Now I have
to take another card.

King, now that's ten, so I
lose because I went over.

You see, it's just
a matter of luck.

Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose.

Now suppose we were
to play for a little money?

Oh, I never gamble.

It's not really gambling, Gomer.

I mean, it's like
a test, you see.

Pretend like you're
in a laboratory

and we're making a test to
prove if a guy's lucky or not.

Oh, well, I don' t
know. Well, look,

I'll put up a nickel for you.

And we'll just try it a
couple of times, okay?

I want to prove to you that
this game is just plain luck.

What luck.

What unbelievable
luck, blackjack again.

Well, that proves
it, doesn't it, Gomer?

You're a lucky guy.

You know, if your friends
would've been that lucky,

they would have won,
too, instead of losing.

I guess so.

And I sure am sorry.

Here, take your money back.

Oh, no, no, that's not
my money, that's yours

You won it fair and square.

But I can't take it.

Why, you even gave me
the money to start out with.

It was a test.

Well, look, Gomer,

if it'll make you any happier,

I'll take my nickel back.

Okay, now we're even.

But there must be
more than $50 here.

Well, listen, why don't
you take this money

back to your
friends at the base.

It'll kind of make up part
of what they lost, okay?

Well, all right.

But I really do have
to be going now.

Well, okay, Gomer,

and thanks for letting
me clear myself, okay?

Oh, Shelia? Yeah?

You want to say
good night to Gomer?

He's just leaving.
Good night, ma'am.

Good night.

And I sure do feel bad
about coming up here

and winning all this
money from your husband,

but he insisted.

He did?

Well, I'll see you all.

What was that all about?

Oh, nothing. I was just
putting a little money

back into the
business, that's all.

How do you mean?

Well, the dope there
just tipped me off that

the suckers back at the base
were getting a little restless.

They think I'm not
playing an honest game.

Oh, no, Pete.

Don't worry about a thing, baby.

I just let the rube win

a little money to prove
that I was straight.

Everything's okay now.

Pete, I don't like it.

They're getting wise to you,
just like they did in Jersey.

What are you talking about?

I told you I fixed it.

When the rube shows
the dough back at the base,

we're home free.

No, let's get out of this place.

I never did like this set up
and that phony sailor suit.

Look, do you think I'm
going to blow this town

two days before payday?

Do you know they get
paid the day after tomorrow?

Look, when we leave this town,

we're going to
leave with a bundle.

And you know that dope,

that Gomer Pyle
that just left here?

He's the one that's
going to help us do it.


You won all this dough,
Pyle, from Evans?

That's right, Sergeant,
playing blackjack.

That's where you get
as close to 21 as you can.

You see, the ace counts for...

Yeah, yeah, I know
what blackjack is.

What I want to know is...

There's 52 bucks here, Sarge.

52 bucks?

How come you played him, Pyle?

You never gamble.

That's right, I don't, but it
really wasn't like gambling.

It was like a laboratory,
and we was doing a test.

A test? That's right.

A test to prove

that card play is
just a matter of luck.

The only reason I
accepted this money

was to get back part of
yours and Duke's losings.

Did I did wrong, Sergeant?

Well, I don't know.

What do you think, Boyle?

I'll tell you what I think.

I think he was setting you up.


I mean, he let you win.

So he can take more
dough away from you later.

How can you do
a thing like that?

Well, it's the simplest
thing in the world.

He just dealt you
good cards, that's all.

But he didn't deal all the time.

I dealt, too.

And besides that, I really
am lucky at games, Sergeant.

Back home when we used to
play scissors, paper and stone,

I used to win
almost all the time.


Don't you remember that game?

Scissors cuts paper,
paper wraps stone,

stone dulls scissors.

See, if I throw out scissors,
and you throw out paper,

then I get to slap you
on the wrist like this.

Pyle! Oh, excuse me.

I didn't mean to
do it that hard.

I really am lucky,
though, Sergeant.

I've always been lucky.

Kids back home used to get
mad at me 'cause I was so lucky.

Listen, Pyle,
I'll tell you what.

Let's prove something
to ourselves.

You take this dough
and go back up there

and play that guy again.

But I don't want to
gamble anymore, Sergeant.

Only did it to get
back your losings.

Do it as a favor
to me, will you?

Like a test.

You did one test.
Well, do one more.

We got to make sure this
guy's on the up-and-up.

You don't want him going
around cheating Marines, do you?

Well... And this
time, play him poker.

But Sergeant Carter, I don't
even know how to play poker.

Besides... You don't'?

Well, it's very simple.

(clears throat)


the dealer deals five
cards to each man.

Boy, talk about beginner's luck.

Golly, I really did well

for playing poker
the first time, didn't I?

Real well? You did terrific.

If the cards are with
you, they're with you.

It's all a matter
of luck, Gomer.

And in your case,
beginner's luck.

I guess.

That's right.

We proved you're a
luckier guy than I am.

So what's the use
of playing anymore?

Besides, I can't afford it.

So, so long, Gomer.

I'm just not playing
you anymore.

Well, listen, would you
like part of this money back?

Oh, no. Fair is fair.

You won it, you keep it.

But this is it... final game.

So long, Gomer.

Well, okay. Bye.

What's that?

That's the fish
going for the bait.

I don't get it.

Is it possible I was
wrong about this guy?

Could be, but I sure am glad
all those tests are over with

and I don't have
to play anymore.

I just don't like
gambling. I really don't.

Yeah, but wait a minute, Pyle.

As long as you got
this lucky streak going,

maybe if you went back
just one more time...

Oh, no, Sergeant,
please don't ask me.

But you don't understand, Pyle.

I'm still a little
curious about this guy.

But, Sergeant, even if I did
want to play with him again...

Which I don't... He
won't play with me.

He said so. Huh?

He won't play with me.

He said it wouldn't be any use.

He could never beat me,
and just wasn't any point

in playing with me again.

And just suppose
you were to show up

and say you wanted
to play again?

What would he do?

He'd just refuse to
play with me, is all.

Oh, really?

Well, let me tell
you something, Pyle.

If you want to play, he'll play.

And you do want to
play, don't you, Pyle?

I really don't, Sergeant.

Listen, Pyle, you're
going to play him,

and he's going to let you play,

and we're going to be there
to make sure that he does.

But Sergeant... It's a
matter of principal, Pyle.

This is a free country,
and that means

nobody can dictate to you,

nobody can tell you what you
can do and what you can't do.

So I'm telling you, you're
going to play cards, and that's it!

I just can't understand

how you let that Marine walk
out of here with 130 bucks.

When I think of the dresses
I could have bought for that.

And I need shoes, too.

Honey, relax.

I guarantee you we'll get
every penny back. Triple.

Well, I hope you're
right, buddy boy,

because another fiasco
like you had in Jersey...

Will you forget about Jersey?

Honey, come here. Watch this.

Now, look, I'm going
to start easy on 'em

for the first couple
of hours, see?

Yeah. Kind of build
up their confidence.

And that'll lead
up to one big kill.

Now, look, turn
up that first hand.


Ten high.

EVANS: Try that one.


Full house.

Four kings.

What have you got?


I don't get it.

Look, all these
suckers got pat hands.

They don't draw
any cards, right?


But I draw.

Now take the first
four cards off the top.

That's pretty slick.

And I don't even do the dealing.

I just make up the cards.

That's pretty good.

How'd you work it?


Trade secret. (laughs)

Sergeant, I wish you
wouldn't make me do this.

Just think of it as
another test, Pyle.

That's all, just another
test. But Sergeant...

And remember, whatever you
do, Pyle, we'll be right behind you.


Excuse me, boys.
I'll be right back.

Oh, Pyle.

Listen, this is
nothing personal,

but I told you last night,

I don't want to play
cards with you anymore.

Yes, I know, and, well,
that's what I told my...

Listen, Evans, what
are you trying to pull?

This is an open game, ain't it?

Yeah, but, you know,

this guy's got real
beginner's luck, Sarge.

You're an old card
player, you know.

Nobody can stand
up against that.

Beginner's luck?

Listen, we didn't cry when
you cleaned us out, did we?

Now, do you take my buddy in,

or do I blow the
whistle on this game?

No, no, don't do that.
Okay, come on in.

The first one in a half hour.

All right, here.

Sergeant Carter, I'm
tired. It's almost midnight.

You can't quit now, Pyle.

You're barely even.

You don't want to waste
a whole night, do you?

Yeah, I'm getting tired, too.
Nobody's been hurt much.

Maybe it's a good time to quit.

Oh, okay. It's
all right with me.

What do you say we let Charley
deal off the last hand, okay?

All right. All right.

Come on, Pyle, get
lucky, will you? Get lucky!

And since this is the last hand,

I think I'd better shuffle 'em
up pretty good, huh? Okay?

All right, Charley,
do your worse.

Golly, Sergeant Carter,
I hadn't done too badly.

I'm still a dollar
and 20 cents ahead.

What's a dollar, 20?

Where's your luck, Gomer?

Where's the famous Pyle luck?

Well, I'll open.

Uh, how about 20 bucks?

I mean, since it's
the last hand and all.

Well, maybe I'm being foolish,
but I think I'll stick with you.

Here's my 20...
and I'll raise you ten.

MAN: Well, I'll
see your 30, and,

like he says,
it's the last hand.

I'll, uh, double the bet.

Pick up your cards, Pyle.

EVANS: What about you, Pyle?

Are you in, or you out?

If you're in, put up your dough.

What do you think I
should do, Sergeant?

Uh... he's in, and, uh...

he raises it, uh... 50.

EVANS: 50?

What's he got there?

Well, nothing really much.

It's just that...
No talking, Pyle.

Come on, let's play.

Well, I got nothing at all,

but seeing this
is the last hand,

I'll be real stupid.

I'll try to outdraw you guys.

Well, I'm out.

Well, I don't know
what everybody's got,

but, uh, I am going
to see your raises

and add... 50 more.

$50? Sergeant
Carter... Shut up, Pyle.

Yeah, I'll see that,
and raise you 50.

Something tells
me I shouldn't do it,

but, uh, I'll raise you back 50.

I should get out, shouldn't
I, Sergeant Carter?

No, no. Wait.

Uh, no limit, right?

Slater, give me your
dough. Right, Sarge.

CARTER: Here's mine, all right?

All right.

We'll see you, and
we'll raise it, uh...

200 bucks.


Don't do that, Sergeant.

That's all your money.

Quiet, Pyle.

I got to stay in that one.

Boy, am glad
I'm out of this one.

Well, I'm in.

That cleans me out.

I'll see it.


Uh, I'll play these.

Same here.

These are good enough for me.

Three pat hands, eh?

What about you, Pyle?

(whispers): Sergeant Carter,

there's an awful lot
of money out there.

Are you sure this
is a good hand?

It's a good hand, Pyle.

You don't want any more cards.

But is it real good?

Yeah, it's real good.

It's a good hand, Gomer.

Believe me, it's a good hand.

Well, is it the
best you can get?

Well, it's practically the best.

Just play 'em.


You mean it's not the best?

Pyle, it is not the
best, but so what?

It's good enough.

Well, not for me, it's not.

I want the best.

I'll have four cards, please.

What?! Give him his
cards back. Sergeant!

He didn't mean to throw 'em in!

What do you mean,
give him back his cards?

He threw them in. That's it.

Gomer, what did you do that for?

Well, golly, Duke, with
all that money out there,

I want the best.

CARTER: Give him his cards back.

He didn't mean to throw them in.

Yeah, give him his cards
back. He made a mistake.

That's right, it was a mistake.

Please let him
have his cards back.

Mistake, nothing. He
threw 'em in, they're in.

But he can't! Nobody
throws away four kings!

How do you know
he had four kings?

Well, uh...

Deal out the next four
cards, will you, Charley?

You sap!

Just like in Jersey!

The same as in Jersey!

CARTER: So, the police
got there, and that was it.

Oh, that was nice work
nailing this guy, boys.

There are at least
three places I know of

that's looking for him.

You know, he's made a specialty
out of clipping servicemen.

Well, I had him spotted
right from the start.

The only trouble was
getting the goods on him.

That's why I sent Pyle in
as a decoy to set him up.

Ain't that right,
Slater? Right, Sarge.

Well, too bad a lot of your
buddies weren't as sharp.

You know, Sergeant, one
thing about servicemen...

They're too easy
with their money.

There's always somebody around
ready to take it away from them.

Yeah? Well, they got
to get up pretty early

in the morning to take it
away from old Sergeant Carter.

Well, we got to get going.

Glad we could help, Lieutenant.

So long, boys.

All set to go, Sergeant?


By the way, Pyle,

you picked our dough
up off the table, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, Sergeant.

I picked it all up while
you was calling the police,

and I put it in my pocket.

Thank goodness for
that. Yeah. Where is it?

Well, you know how lucky I am?


Well, I took all the money,

and I bought
these raffle tickets.

Raffle tickets?

Pyle, you bought
raffle tickets?!

What crook sold you
all them raffle tickets?!

That fella over there.

I think I'm going to be sick.